How to Explain Taharas Hamishpacha to Others

Episode 73: "How to Explain Taharas Hamishpacha to Others" (כ"ב בשבט תשפ"א)

Welcome to our weekly program, The Inside Story of Chabad in America, through the Mindel archives. In honor of Yud Shevat, the yahrzeit of the Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka, I want to dedicate this program to the Rebbetzin and to Jewish women. We already spoke a few months ago about the Rebbetzin — who she was when she came to America — but today I want to share with you, I want to read a letter from the original letters, or some notes, pertaining to Jewish women, Taharas Hamishpacha, and also girls before marriage — how to prepare pre-teenage girls as they become mature adults. This is what I want to share with you, and I will share with you, at the end of this program, a special letter that the Rebbe wrote to my wife — a revolutionary idea that the Rebbe had, and this was in the '70s.

At the end of this program, a group of uncommitted women came to Crown Heights for a lecture on Taharas Hamishpacha, family purity. So the shliach who is in Crown Heights wrote to the Rebbe that he has difficulty explaining to the people about family planning, and the woman who is going to give the lecture also has a problem about family planning — she doesn't know what to do. So they're asking the Rebbe what they should do, how they should speak to the people to convince them about Taharas Hamishpacha, about family planning.

So here I'm going to read the letter — the Rebbe gave this letter to Rabbi Mindel — what they wrote. So I have it here, and I want to read this inside, to be exact. So this letter is about how to present Taharas Hamishpacha to the uncommitted.

This is what she wrote: "One of the young women active in this field told me that she, as well as all of her colleagues, are having great difficulty in presenting convincingly one particular aspect of the recently expressed position of the Rebbe Shlita on the topic of family planning. Many people are willing to accept all the points about the ongoing obligation of pru urvu — having children — as well as the observance of Taharas Hamishpacha, but nevertheless they — and this includes also frum couples — tend to indulge in a limited degree of a kind of family planning, quote-unquote 'by spacing,' or 'spreading out,' their children over several years instead of having one right after the other without a break. It is very hard to persuade them that this is wrong. They are able to cite numerous, seemingly reasonable and impressive arguments in favor of this practice. These are based on personal, psychological, and financial considerations. They revolve largely around the physical and mental health of the mother, claiming that the average woman simply needs a rest of a year, or two years, or three years between pregnancies, especially after she has already been through a few.

"I was asked to suggest how to approach this point, but aside from the usual religious arguments about trusting in the Almighty's wisdom, goodness, and blessings — which, by themselves, are apparently insufficient to persuade most people — I too am unable to devise any additional replies to this question, because this is such an important and sensitive issue, and especially because the Rebbe Shlita, during the farbrengen of [unclear], urged people to ask him for clarification of unclear or problematic matters. I would therefore ask for clarification of this matter: if, in effect, the position of the Rebbe Shlita is being correctly interpreted as being opposed to even this above-mentioned kind of limited 'family planning,' then we are in need of — and respectfully request — his guidance and help in how to convey this successfully, to frum and non-frum alike. In addition to counter-arguments based on bitachon, those of us working in the field feel very strongly the need of supplementary arguments of a rational and pragmatic nature. And since we are going to have the meeting tomorrow, Sunday night, I am asking the Rebbe for an answer." And then she signs her name.

Okay, this is the question that she asked. The Rebbe answered — in Los Angeles — in Hebrew, and here is the translation in English, like this:

"A human being has the option, and it is within one's capability, to prevent conception, but conception itself — and that the baby should be perfectly healthy — this is exclusively up to Hashem, since a human being cannot assure conception at will, whatever she wants; it's up to Hashem there. One may well ask, 'If not now, when?' However, all agree that in the natural order a younger woman is likely to give birth to a more perfect baby."

So, in other words, if a person doesn't know when — I mean, if a person is going to rely on their own [judgment], they might end up not having children at all, so you have to rely on Hashem.

And the second point — that she needs rest — the Rebbe writes in Hebrew. Okay, this is Hebrew, I'm going to just do the English:

"It is difficult to believe that anyone says that a woman who has already experienced the joy of giving birth to a child, holding her baby in her arms, and following each step of her child's advancement, thanks to the care of rearing that she has been giving to her child, and so on, should consent — not to mention desire — to deprive herself of all that real pleasure for the sake of the above-mentioned reasons, all the more so after reflecting seriously on what has been said in the preceding answer."

And the last thing the Rebbe addresses is what about those who fear the pain, as she mentioned. So the answer here: "The real reason behind such fear is the inconvenience, albeit temporary, of being unable to participate in various social events, and similar inconveniences for a period of time. Not least is the thought" — a fundamental introduction to the entire Shulchan Aruch — "what will [others] say." That's what the Rebbe says — that's what she's afraid of; she might be ashamed that she has a lot of children, or whatever. "In summary, when a woman is given to understand what the true obstacles are, she will surely opt to leave it to Hashem to decide when is the good time for her to be blessed with additional healthy and happy children." And then the Rebbe says, "Much more could be said to expand, but..." Yes, this is what the Rebbe answers — this is the answer.

So I thought I would read this, so this is exactly the way that people asked, and what the Rebbe answered.

Now, one more paragraph before I get to the girls. A woman asked — I'm not going to read the whole letter, because it's not a letter to read, and I don't want to read it — but she complains to the Rebbe that the whole idea of Taharas Hamishpacha doesn't make any sense. So this is one paragraph I'm going to read, what the Rebbe wrote, in Hebrew, and this is the translation in English:

"It is not at all understood that when it comes to the health of a minor organ, or a tooth, she asks the opinion of a doctor, because he studied this subject for many years. But when all those" — and the Rebbe underlined "who studied" — "the topic of Taharas Hamishpacha, family purity, say that this pertains to and is fundamental to shalom bayis, family harmony, the health of her entire body and that of her husband, she says that this is not so — even though she's aware that she has not studied at all" — the Rebbe underlined the words "at all" — "about the reasons of Taharas Hamishpacha. It is known that there are women who — have pity on them, Rachmana litzlan — but it is also known that the consequences, over time, even though they are ashamed to admit the misfortune they have brought upon themselves, they have become mentally confused, to the point where they do not recognize what is happening to them and the causes, Heaven protect us."

This is a very sharp answer to this woman.

Now, the last thing I'm going to say here is: in the early [unclear period], my wife, one year, she was the head of N'shei — she was the president of N'shei — and then she was the head of the committee. So they made a program; there were four sessions. This is what they wrote to the Rebbe: one session was "Getting Back to Basics"; one session was "Raising the Adolescent Child," girls and boys; one was "Your Child's Potential, Nurturing Nature"; and one was "The Home-School Team." And each session had a guest lecturer, and they wrote to the Rebbe about this.

The Rebbe answers — first of all, the Rebbe says that all this that you wrote is very necessary. Then the Rebbe added, in Hebrew — this is a letter to my wife, because she was the head of the committee — okay, I'm going to translate this into English. This is in Hebrew: "It is a good idea" — the Rebbe says — "to add, to the second session, meaning to 'Raising the Adolescent Child,' an explanation of tznius in general, and perhaps also as a topic in and of itself, and in the home. It is necessary as well; explaining this is of utmost importance." That's number one.

Number two — from Hebrew, at the end: "It should be added" — the Rebbe said — "the preparation of the girls, and explaining to them the appearance of adolescence, the monthly cycle, and their reaction to this, and the increased tznius. Understandably, the professional who explains all this should be a woman." And this is what they got from the Rebbe.

They wrote there, at the session, "Stages in Life: Preparing and Helping Our Daughters Through Their Pre-Adolescent Stage in Life," and what the Rebbe [advised was] advising the mothers on how to introduce this topic to the daughters, about the physical changes in her body, such as her monthly cycle, with the need for increased tznius.

So this was a revolutionary idea, the Rebbe's idea. I think what they did was they then went to Visiakov [?] and to Esther Schoenfeld [?], and to more schools, and the Rebbe said this is something new, and this is a very important topic: preparing our daughters and guiding them through adolescence, a topic whose time has come. And they wrote back and forth — that's not important right now.

So now, by the way, the Rebbe said there should be a woman who should give the lecture. Rabbi Hodakov — I have a letter from Rabbi Hodakov — he says, that was his opinion: men should not teach the girls, should not give lectures; only women to women, men to men. Then he says the Rebbe spoke — a couple of years [earlier] — the Rebbe spoke to a woman, but [someone] made sure that [he] was standing there, Rabbi Felikov [?] said, and Rabbi Groner [unclear] — but he's just a man — he doesn't feel that he agrees with what Rabbi Hodakov said.

Now, here we see that instead of speaking about this through N'shei — which we all know, tznius, or women can organize this thing — again, I think it would be a very important thing for the N'shei, and this is the lesson for today.

With Hashem's help, next week we will continue our weekly program. Thank you.