Episode 6: From Soul to Fulfillment | With Miriam Rosenbaum, owner of the website 'Nikudi'

00:00 Speaker 1 A baby is born, and with him comes an enormous challenge. A challenge accompanied by oxygen tubes, medication, stress, juggling everything, and above all, a great deal of faith that holds it all together. And how did all of that lead to a website that helps so many children improve their reading and learn to love it? Welcome to a conversation with Miriam Rosenbaum, creator of the Nikudi website. Don’t miss a word, because you’re going to draw a lot of strength from this. How can we turn our lives into lives of shlichus, full of meaning? I’m Chani Moskowitz, a shlucha in Kharkiv, Ukraine. In this podcast, we’ll meet women who have brought their shlichus into a variety of fields. Through their stories, they’ll help each of us find and define our own shlichus in the world. Because living the life we were created to live is the best there is. Shlichus as a way of life. Let’s begin. Hello, Miriam Rosenbaum.

00:59 Speaker 2 Hello, hello, Chani. What a privilege this is for me.

01:02 Speaker 1 Truly. Listen, I’m excited on a whole other level. But so everyone understands why I’m so excited, introduce yourself to everyone—to those who don’t know you and those who know you a little. Who are you? What do you do? Why did I come to you?

01:19 Speaker 2 Well, yes. My name is Miriam Rosenbaum. I’m an ordinary woman...

01:26 Speaker 1 I don’t believe that.

01:29 Speaker 2 Really. If I look back at myself a year and a half ago, I was living a normal, routine life. I was a first-grade teacher. I went to work, came home, enjoyed teaching those sweet girls, and then my life changed. A year and a half ago, I gave birth to a sweet baby named Emmanueli, Chaim Emmanuel, and he’s on a ventilator. He was born with a very, very rare lung disease, and we’ve been in the hospital ever since. We spent ten months at Sheba Medical Center, and now we’re at ALYN, a rehabilitation hospital in Jerusalem.

02:11 Speaker 1 It’s striking that you say “we’ve been in the hospital.”

02:13 Speaker 2 Yes, of course.

02:14 Speaker 1 Because you’re there and not there, in a way.

02:16 Speaker 2 Absolutely. That’s really an important point...

02:20 Speaker 1 Even when you’re just calling, you’re there.

02:22 Speaker 2 Yes, exactly. I believe that’s something we’ll talk more about. Right now, we’re getting very close to bringing him home, which is huge and also overwhelming. We’re going to have Emmanueli at home with all the equipment and everything that entails. It’s very exciting, very exciting. We’ve waited for this moment. We’ve gone through a very long process to prepare for it. And yes, I think I’ve already started telling my story. But broadly speaking, that’s my life right now. That’s how I’d sum it up. Of course, Emmanueli’s birth set us on a personal journey. I personally went through tremendous growth. Emmanuel’s birth brought so much good with it. So, so much good, and we’ll talk more about that.

03:27 Speaker 1 Shall we go back? It’s not that long ago, really—a year and a half.

03:31 Speaker 2 Right.

03:32 Speaker 1 How did it all begin? At what point did you know your life was about to change, and what did you feel?

03:37 Speaker 2 It really began during the pregnancy. There were various concerns, but no one could pinpoint exactly what was behind them or what was happening with the baby, with Emmanueli. I was being monitored, and when I gave birth, doctors were there. After the birth, Emmanueli went into intensive care. His condition was very, very serious. We were in truly extreme situations. That’s where it all began, with his birth. And you know, we’ve really been on a journey of ups and downs. There were times when we thought there was no way back, and things turned out differently—differently from what people thought, from what we thought.

04:41 Speaker 3 Wow. Where do you draw your strength from? You’ve been in this for a year and a half now. You must be a different person.

04:48 Speaker 2 Yes.

04:49 Speaker 3 But how do you find that strength? Where does it come from?

04:54 Speaker 2 First of all, I think all the strength I have, all the faith I have, really comes from my foundation, from my childhood. When I suddenly found myself facing difficult moments, I found myself holding on to faith. I asked myself, “Where did I get this from?” And I realized it came from my childhood, from the faith I received at home, from my foundation. And where do I draw my strength from? As I said, from that foundation, from my childhood, from the faith I received at home. I’ve also learned things along the way, as I’ve dealt with all this. I’ve learned what gives me strength, what helps me keep going without falling apart. Would you like me to go into that? The first thing I learned about myself is that I’m human. That means I can fall apart. I can simply feel that it’s too much for me, that I need to step away for a moment, to stop, to find a moment for myself, to go for a walk or go out with my husband, Chananel. Just to find something that gives me strength, and to let myself feel, “I need to stop for a moment. I can’t do this right now,” without feeling bad about it. Without feeling that there’s something wrong with me. And after I recover a little, after I stop and rest, or just give myself a bit of a break, I come back much stronger. I come back with so much more strength. So where do I get my strength? Precisely from those moments when I break down. When I let myself have those moments, I come back much stronger.

06:59 Speaker 3 Making room for that, and then it actually gives you...

07:01 Speaker 2 Yes, making room for weakness. For the understanding that I’m allowed to fall apart. I’m allowed to fall apart; I’m allowed to feel that this is too much for me now. And that gives me a great deal of strength. Another thing that gives me strength—and I always come back to this in the end—is faith, but a faith that lets go. Eventually I reach a point where I say, “Hakadosh Boruch Hu, listen, enough. This is beyond my understanding. I’m handing it over to You.” I may think something is good. I may think things need to happen a certain way, that this is what’s best for Emmanueli. That’s how I see it. But I’m handing it over to You. I understand that You see the whole picture, and You know what’s good for Emmanueli and what’s good for us. So that’s it—I’ve let go completely, and You’ll do what’s right. You know what’s right, because I can’t control this anymore. It’s beyond my control. So I’m handing it over to You. That also gives me strength. In the end, I always reach that place and realize that this is how I’ll manage to keep going, because I truly can’t control anything at all.

08:28 Speaker 3 It’s such a relief to take that responsibility off your shoulders—the responsibility for what’s happening and what will happen. You do your part, and you let Hakadosh Boruch Hu lead.

08:37 Speaker 2 Right. And in such acute, extreme situations, when there really is nothing more you can do, you feel it even more strongly. You understand even more deeply that you’re in Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s hands.

08:51 Speaker 3 Wow. That’s incredible.

08:53 Speaker 2 Yes.

08:54 Speaker 3 Wow, Miriam. And you have three more children at home.

08:58 Speaker 2 Three.

08:59 Speaker 3 Baruch Hashem, wonderful children.

09:01 Speaker 2 Sweethearts.

09:02 Speaker 3 How do you tell them, first of all, “Hello, the brother we’ve been waiting for is here”? But then, wait—this isn’t what you imagined. And I’m sure you’re feeling one thing yourself while needing to project something else, because...

09:17 Speaker 2 Okay, that’s a whole subject in itself. Emmanueli needs support—physical support, of course, and emotional support—and we want him to be healthy. But we also have children at home, and we want to protect their emotional well-being. It isn’t that one matters more and the other less. Both matter. That’s the first thing we understood as soon as Emmanueli was born: we needed to look after the children at home. We’re constantly trying to find the balance. Okay?

09:54 Speaker 3 Right, because it would be so easy to say, “That’s it, we’re with the baby, we’re devoting ourselves to him all day...” But there are three other children here.

10:00 Speaker 2 Exactly. So it’s a constant process of thinking, weighing one thing against another, and looking at the whole picture from above. Okay? When Emmanuely was born, we decided we weren’t going to hide anything from the children. We weren’t going to tell them, “Oh, there’s a sweet baby, he’s just staying with Mommy at a hotel.” No stories. We tell them the truth, but in terms they can understand. I have to say that throughout this whole journey, we’ve consulted professionals. These are very, very sensitive matters, and you need professional guidance. So we consulted professionals all along and found a way to tell the children at their level. For example, when Emmanuely was born, we told them that a sweet baby had been born, but they couldn’t see him yet because visitors weren’t allowed in. He was in a special room, and he had a special bed with a special tube that was helping him. The tube was giving him air to help him breathe, because breathing was a little hard for him. And they accepted it. Later, we saw that in the way they told other people about it, and in how they expressed it in their drawings, their questions, their conversations. The point was that they shouldn’t feel afraid or anxious: What’s happening? Where’s Mommy? That absence—

11:37 Speaker 3 The uncertainty is the worst part.

11:38 Speaker 2 Exactly. Uncertainty causes anxiety, and it was very important to us that the children always know what was happening, at their own level, of course. And again, all of this was done with professional guidance. It still is, of course.

11:55 Speaker 3 Wow, that’s so wise. It’s a project in its own right...

11:59 Speaker 2 Completely. It’s important, and I often find myself davening to Hashem to help me with the children at home. I tell Him, “This is going to affect them—it certainly is affecting them—but Hashem, please let it affect them for the good. For the good.”

12:17 Speaker 3 Absolutely. Absolutely.

12:18 Speaker 2 That’s a very, very strong prayer that I daven all the time. And it takes work. It takes work to explain everything to them and give them the feeling that they belong here and can ask anything. The scariest questions, anything they want.

12:37 Speaker 3 Wow.

12:37 Speaker 2 Because Mommy is here and Daddy is here, and we’re strong enough to hold their fears, their worries, all the things Emmanuely’s birth brought up—and keeps bringing up. Right?

12:52 Speaker 3 Of course.

12:53 Speaker 2 Still.

12:53 Speaker 3 You see yourself in them.

12:55 Speaker 2 Completely.

12:55 Speaker 3 Your fears, the difficulties that—

12:58 Speaker 2 Completely. Exactly. I can give you an example. When Emmanuel came home for the first time, one of the children just ran to his room. We noticed right away, so I went to him and brought him a treat. He said, “Mommy, I can’t. It scares me. Looking at the tube makes me feel sick. I can’t handle those sounds. I can’t listen to the beeping.” I looked at him and davened silently, “Hakadosh Boruch Hu, please help me find the right words.” Then I thought, wait a second—I went through this too. He’s no different from me. For months, I struggled with it. I wanted Emmanuel to be an ordinary baby. It was hard and frightening for me, and it’s completely understandable that he’d react this way. So I told him, “Sweetheart, you know, I felt that way too. I was just like you, and it’s normal. It’s okay.” And I saw that the moment I let him feel those feelings, he calmed down. He understood that it was okay, that he was okay. He didn’t feel guilty about the feelings coming up for him, as though he had to love Emmanuel immediately. He didn’t.

14:24 Speaker 3 Wow, they’re so fortunate to have you.

14:25 Speaker 2 It’s work, work, work. And again, I think it’s a process. Because we’ve consulted people and keep consulting them, it helps me. I have tools, with Hashem’s help—amen, right? I can’t always find the words on the spot. Sometimes I feel I still need to get a little better at it.

14:43 Speaker 3 It’s all a process.

14:44 Speaker 2 Yes, but it also takes a lot of davening. And again, understanding that what they’re going through is what you went through a few months ago. So give them the space to go through their own process. What they’re going through now is completely understandable.

15:02 Speaker 3 How do they feel about him personally? When he comes home, are they excited?

15:07 Speaker 2 Yes.

15:07 Speaker 3 When Emmanuel came—

15:08 Speaker 2 Yes.

15:08 Speaker 3 Do they feel—

15:09 Speaker 2 They love him very much, and they’re very excited about him. They argue over who gets to give him his medicine—

15:17 Speaker 3 Wow.

15:17 Speaker 2 And who gets to clean his suction device. “No, Mommy, me! Me!” Just think what an incredible process that is: they ran to their rooms, and now they’re arguing over who gets to care for him. Of course, they wouldn’t do any of it alone. I wouldn’t let them.

15:31 Speaker 3 At the level—

15:31 Speaker 2 Yes, only what they actually can do. Everything is done together with me, of course. But it’s an incredible process, and it’s still going on. We move forward each time. Until now, the process was accepting Emmanuel and getting used to all the sounds around him. Now the process is taking him out: let’s go to the park with him, let’s invite friends over. So we keep moving forward in their relationship with Emmanuel. And again, I feel that what they’re going through isn’t different from what I went through.

16:08 Speaker 3 A parallel process, really.

16:08 Speaker 2 Yes, and that’s okay. We have to keep giving them the feeling that all the emotions coming up for them are okay. They’re absolutely okay.

16:18 Speaker 3 Wow. Earlier you talked about growing up in a home where you were given emunah, and at school, presumably—we grew up with it, as they say. It’s very interesting. I was thinking about it recently: we all grow up, each of us in her own surroundings, and our lives are more or less alike. Then life begins, and suddenly each person finds herself somewhere different, and Hakadosh Boruch Hu sends each of us challenges. If someone had told you two years ago that your life would look the way it does today, how would you have felt?

16:54 Speaker 2 Wow, that’s a huge question. I think that in every pregnancy with my older children, I had a lot of fear about whether the baby would be healthy. The subject of children’s health really was on my mind, and I davened about it all the time. And if I could have seen myself now—how I’ve grown and how my life has changed for the better—I would want to be the person I am now.

17:27 Speaker 3 Yes, but that’s something you can only know from where you stand now.

17:30 Speaker 2 Right.

17:30 Speaker 3 Because from a distance, it’s very frightening.

17:31 Speaker 2 Right.

17:32 Speaker 3 To imagine what it would be like.

17:32 Speaker 2 Of course. I’m not saying otherwise. I daven that Emmanuel will be healthy, that everything will be okay, that there will be miracles and all of that. But when I look at myself, at who I am and how I’ve grown, yes, I would want to be at this point—and, with Hashem’s help, keep growing endlessly. But Emmanuely has changed me, my marriage, and our family so much for the better, in ways I never would have dreamed possible. To me, that’s a miracle in itself. Beyond the miracles happening with Emmanuely, what’s happened to me is a miracle too.

18:11 Speaker 3 Wow, that’s incredible.

18:12 Speaker 2 Yes.

18:14 Speaker 3 Wow, Miriam. Which moments were especially hard? In everyday life or in general—things you can’t get out of your head because, at the time, they felt like the end of the world?

18:29 Speaker 2 I think the hardest moments were, of course, when things with Emmanuely became critical. It really happened to us. I was physically shaking. But Chananel and I found ourselves in the place I spoke about at the beginning: let go. We’re letting go. We’re letting go. Hakadosh Boruch Hu, You know what’s best. There was a time when we stood beside Emmanuely and just sang to him. It was Adar, and we sang, “And it was turned around, and it was turned around, when Adar begins...” People looked at us as though we were crazy. Okay? Everything around us was traumatic, but we sang to him. We didn’t have to force it; it just came out. And we said, “We’re letting this go. Hakadosh Boruch Hu, we’re handing it over to You. You know what’s best.” I think, as I said at the beginning, we always reach that moment of letting go. In every extreme situation, there was that point of letting go with emunah, of turning to Hakadosh Boruch Hu. Not, “Hakadosh Boruch Hu, make a miracle, make a miracle.” No. Enough. Hakadosh Boruch Hu, it’s Yours. It’s Yours. I’m doing what I can. I’m davening. I really am doing my part. The doctors are fighting for him right now. From here, it’s Yours. So again, that’s where all those critical moments led us.

20:12 Speaker 3 I have goosebumps. What a gift emunah is.

20:15 Speaker 2 Yes.

20:15 Speaker 3 And on the other hand, you really have to take that gift with both hands. Not everyone takes that gift and uses it in everyday life, and it can make such a difference.

20:25 Speaker 2 Right. In everyday life, you think, you know, okay, so my boss told me this, and... There are things you think are under your control, right? Things we all experience in our daily routines, and it feels as though they’re under my control. But ultimately, truly, okay, we make the effort, but Hakadosh Boruch Hu guides everything. He guides everything. It’s all in His hands.

20:50 Speaker 3 Yes, you have to bring that into everyday life too, into the very—

20:52 Speaker 2 Yes.

20:52 Speaker 3 Small things.

20:53 Speaker 2 Yes. Exactly.

20:54 Speaker 3 How do you start, like, actually living that way?

20:56 Speaker 2 So, I don’t know, if the technician brings something I didn’t want, okay, I did what I could and something went wrong. So, okay, Hakadosh Boruch Hu, it’s in Your hands, and I trust You now that things will move forward.

21:10 Speaker 3 Wow.

21:10 Speaker 2 All sorts of things that really are small, or seem small, but...

21:15 Speaker 3 The bris wasn’t when he was eight days old, or even eight months old. How did you feel about that, and how did it finally happen?

21:25 Speaker 2 Right. Of course, our dream was for Emanuel to enter the covenant of Avraham Avinu, like every Jewish mother who wants her son to...

21:36 Speaker 3 Like, you know.

21:38 Speaker 2 Her child... Yes. And what’s surprising here is that, as far as the doctors were concerned, it was possible. There were many, many points along the way when the doctors said, “Go ahead, it’s possible.” But it was actually halachah that decided otherwise. The rabbi who guided us on matters of halachah throughout the whole journey said it wasn’t possible according to halachah, because halachah was protecting little Emanuel and looking at the whole picture, at all sorts of factors. In the end, the halachic ruling was that little Emanuel couldn’t have a bris because it would put him in danger. So that’s the first thing: it’s amazing to see how halachah and the Torah protect life.

22:22 Speaker 3 Wow.

22:22 Speaker 2 Then we reached a point at ALYN Hospital, a rehabilitation hospital, where Emanuel’s condition had become stable, but the doctor was very, very concerned. The rabbi who was guiding us said that now we could discuss a bris, and this time it was actually the rabbi who persuaded the doctor. It had always been the other way around.

22:43 Speaker 3 The other way around.

22:43 Speaker 2 Yes, and the doctor agreed. He’s an amazing doctor who cares for us at ALYN Hospital in Jerusalem. He consulted many doctors, weighed all the possible risks, and in the end decided to do it. He said he’d been a mohel for thirty years—yes, he’s both a mohel and a doctor—and this was the most complicated bris he’d ever had in all those thirty years.

23:08 Speaker 3 Wow.

23:09 Speaker 2 He really used all sorts of techniques, including medical ones, to make the bris go as smoothly as possible. And it was a miracle. A miracle, a miracle.

23:18 Speaker 3 How far in advance did you know it was going to happen?

23:20 Speaker 2 Well, first we’d planned to have the bris a month earlier, and the night before, Emanuel developed a fever. We’d bought clothes, ordered catering, you wouldn’t believe it—sent invitations. My husband, Chananel, had invited all sorts of people. In short, we’d reserved a hall there at the hospital. Everything was arranged, everything was ready. The night before, Emanuel developed a fever, so there was no chance, and we even had to wait a week. Then, over the next few weeks, he had a fever again and again and again. He was teething, or, you know... In the end, the doctor came in two days before and said to me, “Mrs. Rosenbaum, the bris is in two days.” I was like, “What? Wait a second. No, just a second.” Then we said, okay, we have to think of a different approach, one that suits little Emanuel. As much as we wanted to make it a big celebration, apparently we needed to do something tailored to him. So we ordered these little platters from a lovely woman who prepared them for us at a moment’s notice, and invited family and a smaller group of people. And it was—there really was a moving, intimate bris, exactly right for little Emanuel. It was truly an incredible day. Just seeing a miracle before your eyes is unbelievable. It’s a privilege, a very great privilege.

24:39 Speaker 4 I’m sure there was also a feeling of—I don’t know if “coming full circle” is the right phrase—but we made it through.

24:44 Speaker 2 Yes. And when they blessed little Emanuel that he should grow up to Torah, chuppah, and good deeds...

24:49 Speaker 4 How can you bear that?

24:50 Speaker 2 And you say, if we managed to have a bris, anything is possible.

24:54 Speaker 4 Wow.

24:55 Speaker 2 Yes.

24:56 Speaker 4 You’d actually been calling him Emanuel for a long time already.

24:58 Speaker 2 Right.

24:59 Speaker 4 At what point did you decide you had a name and were going with it?

25:02 Speaker 2 Oh, that’s an incredible story too.

25:04 Speaker 4 Let’s hear it.

25:05 Speaker 2 Everything is incredible. Listen.

25:07 Speaker 4 We could talk for a day—actually, a week.

25:10 Speaker 2 During the pregnancy, we had lots and lots of tests. Before one of the tests, I wrote to the Rebbe through the Igros Kodesh, the books of the Rebbe’s letters, and opened to a letter in which the Rebbe blessed a boy on the occasion of his bar mitzvah. His name was Chaim Emanuel.

25:29 Speaker 4 Wow.

25:29 Speaker 2 So I said to my husband, Chananel, on the way to the test, “Listen, I opened the Igros Kodesh and got a letter with Chaim Emanuel, a boy named Chaim Emanuel. What an amazing name! Chaim Emanuel. Who is with us through life? Who is really there with us, guiding our lives? Hakadosh Boruch Hu.” I told him, “Listen, remember that name.” And after the birth, we were in intensive care. A week went by, we passed the time when the bris would have been, and we understood it probably wouldn’t take place on time. We needed to give the baby a name so he would have an identity, because a name gives strength, and—

26:01 Speaker 4 Of course.

26:03 Speaker 2 So I reminded Chananel. I said, “Do you remember the name?” It took him a while to recall it. He didn’t remember right away.

26:08 Speaker 4 You’d been through a lot since then.

26:10 Speaker 2 Exactly. And in the end we said, okay, obviously, there’s no—

26:14 Speaker 4 Wow.

26:14 Speaker 2 That’s the name. How could it not be? And it really is such a moving name, with enormous meaning. As far as I’m concerned, everyone who hears that name is already part of a shlichus. Since we’re talking about shlichus.

26:25 Speaker 4 Yes.

26:25 Speaker 2 To me, there’s already a kind of shlichus in Emanuel’s name, Chaim Emanuel.

26:30 Speaker 4 Really, as though the name was created especially for him.

26:33 Speaker 2 Absolutely, absolutely.

26:35 Speaker 4 Wow. So it only recently became official. When was the bris? Two months ago?

26:38 Speaker 2 Two months ago, two and a half months. Yes. They asked us whether we wanted to add a name, because now there was a bris and we could. We said, “No, no, no. We’re not touching that name. He’s Chaim Emanuel.”

26:51 Speaker 4 Wow, wow, wow.

26:51 Speaker 2 There’s nothing to add. Yes.

26:53 Speaker 4 Tell me, on a practical level, I’ve caught little glimpses of this. By the way, I should tell everyone that they can follow you on Instagram.

27:03 Speaker 2 Right.

27:03 Speaker 4 You post on your status too.

27:04 Speaker 2 I post on my status too. You can also...

27:07 Speaker 4 It’s fascinating. Take my word for it.

27:09 Speaker 2 Thank you, Chani, thank you.

27:11 Speaker 4 And I can see that you’ve become so knowledgeable about the technical side. One day you were sitting and talking, and a woman wrote to you—someone who also has a child who apparently deals with something, some issue involving oxygen. She wrote, “I can hear the sounds of the machine, the oxygen-saturation monitor, in the background.” And I’m genuinely curious how you—because apart from everything emotional and psychological, and the fact that this is your child, your very flesh and blood—on a practical level, you now have to be a technician for machines, medications, things where lives hang in the balance. I also remember you once saying that you’d be on the road, stuck in traffic, and your mind would go straight to, “Is there enough oxygen or not?”

27:54 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

27:54 Speaker 4 How do you get into all of that?

27:56 Speaker 2 So first of all, it’s a process. It’s a process, and a long one. Of course, every mother—I know mothers of children on ventilators—goes through this process at a different pace, in a different way. And every child’s condition is different too. Right. So it’s a process of learning, first of all on a technical level: really understanding what’s happening, what’s connected to what, what each machine does, what every beep means. It’s a whole world. A whole world. I say I could be a nurse. I tell the nurses there, “Listen, you can hire me without an interview.” I joke around with them. Of course, there’s still so much I don’t know—I shouldn’t get too carried away with myself, but... You’re Emmanuel’s personal nurse. Okay, but I already have a pretty broad background. And it’s a process. It’s not just about technical knowledge; it’s also a process of gaining confidence. That’s it. Confidence—the confidence to make decisions. I can tell you it took me time to reach the point where I could look at Emmanuel and say, “No, that’s not how he is. He’s okay. No, despite what the numbers are showing, he’s okay.” Or I can look at him and say, “No, something is bothering him. I need to do something about it.” Little by little, I’m learning to know him. And that’s a process I’ve gone through within myself too: not feeling bad that it didn’t come naturally to me. “Look, there’s your son. Can’t you see that something’s...” No, no, no. It took me time to get to know Emmanuel and his needs, because there’s

29:39 Speaker 2 no getting around it: I hadn’t known anything like this before. Now I feel that, little by little, I have much more confidence, and my intuition with Emmanuel has become sharper too. Right, it’s something you have to live through to learn. Yes, yes. And I’ve also learned not to feel bad about it. I’ve learned that I need my own time to learn—to learn how to sense these things. Wow. Yes. Your body learns through the process itself. Yes, yes, and it really is a process, day by day, each time. I can feel myself getting better at it and growing in this area too. Another qualification to add to your list. Absolutely. Getting better. Wow. Absolutely. What’s it like, since you mentioned other families you’ve probably known for a while? Suddenly you see all kinds of challenges you’d never dreamed of. Every family has its own story. It’s depressing. Let me tell you something: when I look at other cases, I say, “Oh, Hashem, thank You. Thank You for what You gave me, truly.” I couldn’t have handled what they’re dealing with. And someone looks at me and says, “Oh, Hashem, thank You...” Each person, really—it’s all relative. You look at your own story, and Hakadosh Boruch Hu gives you the strength to deal with what you have. And getting to know other mothers along the way gives me so much strength. So much strength, and the feeling that I’m not alone. Because there are very, very difficult moments when I can feel terribly guilty. Why is this so hard for me? Why doesn’t it come more easily? What am I complaining about? And then I talk to another mother, and she says, “Oh, I felt that way too. You need to remember that you’re okay. For me it was even worse.” And then you say, “Okay,

31:23 Speaker 2 okay, it’s natural. It’s okay that I feel this way, that this is how I’ve dealt with it.” It really puts things in perspective. You know, our situation isn’t something where you just meet other mothers going through it when you’re out and about. So when there’s a mother dealing with something similar, it really gives you strength. We share things with each other, and we help each other see things in perspective: “Okay, you’re okay. You’re okay. Something similar happened to me too, and it’s okay.” You know, like that. I imagine that just knowing there’s someone—even one person in the world—who really feels a little of what you’re going through makes a difference. Because I’m sure you have sisters and friends, and they all try to support you: “Of course, talk to me, I’m listening.” But who truly understands? Yes, it brings a lot of comfort, a lot of strength, and a feeling that what you’re going through is normal. Yes, you’re not alone. Yes, what you’re going through is normal, because I went through something similar too. Yes. Wow, Miriam. Tell me, shall we tell everyone about the adorable Nikudi? Of course! How could we not? You used to be a teacher. Right. Like so many others. Yes. And that’s it—you can’t carry on teaching in a situation like this. Right, right, you can’t. Where did you teach? I taught first grade at a Chabad girls’ school. They were so sweet, really. That suits you so well. Absolute sweethearts, and I loved it very, very much. And Nikudi—maybe I’ll tell you about Nikudi? Yes, from the beginning. So first of all, Nikudi is a whole website devoted to helping children learn to read. It has all kinds of digital activities children can enjoy and use to really learn to read while having a wonderful time. And actually, our website grew specifically out of a challenge, out of a difficulty. It all started during COVID, right? When I was—

33:18 Speaker 2 No, had you had the idea before that? The first spark came during COVID, because I’d made videos with puppets for my students. I have a huge bag full of puppets here in the cupboard. So that’s really where it started: I made videos for my students, and I enjoyed it tremendously. I also got feedback from parents: “Listen, wow, the whole family sits and watches the videos.” And I got a video of a two-year-old girl saying to me, “Teacher Miriam, look what...” I laughed and thought, well, my videos are reaching pretty far, and I’m enjoying this. There’s something here. Yes. Then COVID passed, and I gave birth. After the birth, Chananel and I felt this sense of, “Wow, we’re doing amazingly well.” Not in a boastful way—we genuinely looked at ourselves and said, “Wow, we’re dealing with something enormous. The children are at home, we’re managing to keep things going, and we have strength. We have inner strength.” And what I’m saying about myself is true of every woman. It’s not that I’m special or that I’m the only one. Every woman listening to me has those strengths, right? Suddenly we had that realization. And as we drove to the neonatal intensive care unit every day, Chananel would say, “Come on, Miriam, do something with your videos.” And I’d say, “Okay, Chananel, we had this life-changing conversation and that’s all well and good, but come on—right here, right now? We have a baby in the neonatal intensive care unit fighting for his life. Seriously, Chananel?” But little by little, he kept bringing it up, and it started to sink in. Then I said, “Wait a second. Maybe—maybe something involving a website?” Because as a first-grade teacher, I know there’s no website like this.

35:15 Speaker 2 That brings together all the activities connected to reading. There wasn’t an answer out there. And then I said, “Wait a second,” and we started thinking about it. We put together questionnaires to see if it was feasible, and from there it just took off. I mean, I feel like it came to me. Wow. Nikudi just came to me. It’s crazy to think that we built this business while he was in the hospital, but it was simply meant to come through me. That’s really how I feel. Wow. Earlier you said that everyone has the strength they need. It’s interesting, because sometimes it feels as though we have to reach an extreme point to discover that. Right. Even though we really can discover it in everyday life too. But Hakadosh Boruch Hu doesn’t give a person a challenge they don’t have the strength to face. So the greater the challenge, the greater the strength, and you discover it. And you were aware of that, too. Yes. Because I think sometimes people are going through something, and you’re still in the middle of it. You’re not coming to tell us, “Hi, hello, happy ending. I went through something—” Right. “And now I’m here to tell you about it.” You’re right there, in the thick of it, and the fact that you’re aware of this while you’re seeing it happen—it’s incredible, and it really gives you the ability to— Yes. Keep discovering more and more. Right. Because you’re there. You see it; you see how it works. We came to this realization as one week went by, then another, then another, and you’re waiting for a miracle. Come on, where’s the miracle? Come on, Hashem, do something—let them take out his tube, let him get up on his feet, let him crawl. And then you reach a point where you say, “Look, the fact that he’s here right now is a miracle. The fact that he’s held on and is still holding on, and that little by little, little by little, he’s

37:03 Speaker 2 improving in tiny steps—that’s already a miracle. So what are you going to do? Sit and wait for a miracle? No. No. Start living now, and see the miracle. Because what kind of life would that be? What kind of life would that be, just sitting there?” Once you realize you don’t know how long this will go on, you have to wake up to your life. Start living. You can’t just wait for a miracle and be depressed because it hasn’t come. No. Maybe look at it the other way around. Maybe see the little miracles along the way. And that’s really what gave us this understanding about Nikudi, too. Come on, start living, start doing. There’s no reason to wait. Wow. There’s no reason to wait. It’s really a complete shift in how you look at expectations and disappointments. After all, when are we happy? When an expectation is fulfilled. So if your expectation is, “I want Emanuel to walk tomorrow,” of course you’ll be deeply disappointed. You won’t know how to get out of it. Yes. But if your expectation is, “Wow, he made a little progress. Wow, we have another day with him, and we can see him progressing,” then you’re setting your expectations differently. Yes. I mean, we can do that in every area of life. Yes. I’d say it’s a combination, right? A combination of expecting a miracle and believing it will happen, while seeing the little miracles along the way, seeing them and focusing on the good. Wow, that takes so much work. It’s work... And it doesn’t always happen. Really, to anyone listening to me, it doesn’t always happen. It’s work, and I fall. I really, really do fall. You’re even allowed to fall, you know. Yes, yes. It’s like a graph that goes... Yes, because that really is part of it. The key is to get back up. Right. We’re human, and we fall. And as you say, we have to get back up afterward. Wow. So,

38:57 Speaker 2 as a mother of children, I’m not exactly impartial, because I already know Nikudi and, how should I put it, I’m hooked. But how would you explain it to mothers who don’t know it? Technically, what ages is it for? I won’t even mention that we use it as a family. Yes. So, Nikudi—I was actually surprised myself, to tell you the truth. I see toddlers, two-year-olds, enjoying the site and singing the songs, really picking up the sounds and names of the letters. That must give you so much nachas. And I always say that Emanuel didn’t just do something good for me; he did something good for the world. Just think: because of him, children are learning to read with enjoyment. It’s incredible. You see? So much good is happening because of Emanuel, truly. So, what ages is it for? I no longer give a starting age. I don’t know. Every mother can think it through and see how ready her child is to take in the names of the letters, their sounds and the songs. It’s intended for children who are in the process of learning to read. If a child has just finished learning to read and their mother wants to give them a little push, strengthen their skills and make their reading more accurate—or if a mother wants to give her child the fun and enjoyment of reading, so the child has a positive, enjoyable experience—then it’s really for that child. And it’s screen time, too. Who wouldn’t want screen time to be quality time that’s educational and fun? Nikudi really answers that need. I’d say it’s suitable for children up to age six or seven. Even if there are older children who are struggling, it can absolutely

40:54 Speaker 2 be suitable for them.

40:55 Speaker 5 To help them improve.

40:56 Speaker 2 Yes.

40:57 Speaker 5 The interface is really fun, too. The children manage it on their own, even though my children didn’t have much experience with computers. They just hadn’t had the opportunity.

41:03 Speaker 2 Absolutely, yes.

41:04 Speaker 5 But even my five-year-old clicks around by herself and manages just fine. It’s very, very easy to use.

41:09 Speaker 2 Right. Basically—

41:10 Speaker 5 Smooth.

41:10 Speaker 2 We created and built the whole site with the idea that a child could navigate it independently, use it, and run all the activities on the site alone. We really worked on that. We tested the games, too: we let children try them out and use them. It was very important to us that children could navigate the site independently. That was a very important goal.

41:36 Speaker 5 Were your children part of that?

41:37 Speaker 2 An integral part.

41:39 Speaker 5 Of the preparation.

41:39 Speaker 2 An integral part. They were our test subjects. “Here, try this.” I’d watch from the side. “No, no, no. Okay, okay, that needs improving. That needs improving.” That’s how it worked.

41:47 Speaker 5 They were already waiting for it to come out, because for them the...

41:50 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

41:50 Speaker 5 You know, how long has it been since you started creating it?

41:53 Speaker 2 We’ve been working on it for a year and two months.

41:55 Speaker 5 For them, that’s forever.

41:56 Speaker 2 Yes, yes, yes. So they were really part of it.

41:59 Speaker 5 Like a pregnancy and birth.

42:01 Speaker 2 Exactly. That’s how I feel. As though we’ve had another child. Yes.

42:06 Speaker 5 What was that first day like, when something you knew so well, something you’d been living with, was suddenly in—

42:13 Speaker 2 It was—

42:14 Speaker 5 Hundreds and hundreds of homes in a single day.

42:15 Speaker 2 It brings up a lot of mixed emotions. On the one hand, you feel that at last this news is going out into the world, something revolutionary is out there and meeting such an important need. On the other hand, I think, “This Nikudi was mine until now. It was just me, the programmer, the designer and the rest of the team working on it.” And suddenly, that’s it. It’s no longer in my hands.

42:46 Speaker 5 It’s slipped out of your hands.

42:46 Speaker 2 It’s out there now. I have no control over what happens, and that’s nerve-racking.

42:51 Speaker 5 Yes, of course.

42:51 Speaker 2 So there are mixed emotions, and again, it takes inner work to say, “I’ve made the effort. That’s it. Now it’s out there, it’s in the hands of Hakadosh Boruch Hu, and it will only do good.”

43:03 Speaker 5 Wow. What kind of feedback are you getting?

43:05 Speaker 2 Wow, incredible feedback. First of all, the site has only been—

43:10 Speaker 5 Only three weeks?

43:10 Speaker 2 Live for three weeks.

43:11 Speaker 5 Wow, it feels like much longer.

43:14 Speaker 2 And there’s been so much buzz around the site, so much interest: What is it? What’s happening? Because it’s a new, revolutionary product, there’s a lot of interest, and the feedback from mothers has been amazing. “My son is learning and progressing. He struggled to learn the chirek vowel sound; he kept mixing it up with tzeirei and segol. And now, listen, he sits down and reads fluently. He uses the memory aid you gave in the video and plays the games. Each time he tries again and again, and then he succeeds.” The feedback has been amazing.

43:57 Speaker 5 My children say, “I got another star! Another star!”

44:00 Speaker 2 Truly amazing feedback. I didn’t expect it to be on this level, and it really moves me. It moves me very, very much.

44:09 Speaker 5 I think the innovation is also that it’s not, “Oh, we have a child who’s struggling with reading; let’s find something for them.” No, it’s for everyone.

44:15 Speaker 2 Exactly.

44:15 Speaker 5 Because in a class of thirty children, honestly, which child learns to read completely? Apart from those children who practically teach themselves, and that’s not a large percentage. And making it an enjoyable experience in general—

44:28 Speaker 2 Absolutely. Yes.

44:29 Speaker 5 And let them make progress on their own, because we could sit with each child for two hours every day, but practically speaking—

44:36 Speaker 2 Right.

44:36 Speaker 5 We don’t get around to it.

44:37 Speaker 2 And the website is also meant for children who are ahead. Say there’s a child who’s really interested in reading, and her mother isn’t exactly a first-grade teacher and doesn’t know what to do with that right now. This website offers an excellent solution. It really does, for every level.

44:55 Speaker 5 That’s just amazing. I’m imagining the day you say to Emanuel, “Listen, look at this website, all of it.”

45:01 Speaker 2 When he really reaches the stage of...

45:03 Speaker 5 Amen, amen, amen.

45:04 Speaker 2 Amen.

45:05 Speaker 5 Wow. Miriam, shlichus as a way of life.

45:09 Speaker 2 Wow.

45:10 Speaker 5 You spread shlichus. I mean, there’s no... we don’t have to go looking for it. But tell us about some moments of shlichus. You know, there’s the shlichus that we... I think the more a person grows up with shlichus, talks about shlichus or lives it, the less she notices it. She doesn’t think, “Now I’m doing shlichus.” It becomes part of life. But still, were there moments somewhere along the way with Emanuel, with the website—it’s really one journey—when you felt, “Wow, I had a shlichus here”?

45:41 Speaker 2 I’ll tell you: a week and a half after Emanuel was born, somehow, through hashgachah pratis, I came across a video of Rabbi Margaliyot. Um, Margaliyot—I don’t remember his first name. He was being interviewed, and the interviewer was talking with him about everything he’d been through. He had faced a medical challenge—

46:05 Speaker 5 Oh, Aharon Margaliyot.

46:06 Speaker 2 Aharon Margaliyot, yes. And I remember this video so clearly. He says that he came to understand that Hakadosh Boruch Hu had given him this medical challenge so he could fulfill a shlichus. He was hospitalized and hooked up to medications or something, I don’t know. He would simply take the IV pole with him, walk around the ward and talk to people, because he told himself: “Wait a second. If I’m here, apparently I need to do something here. I’m not going to sit in my room and suffer and say how awful and hard this is for me. I need to do something. I’m here on a shlichus. I have a role here.” He would go from patient to patient, talking with them and encouraging them. That gave him a sense of meaning. This wasn’t happening to him for no reason. After I heard that interview, I said, “Wow, wait—that’s exactly what’s happening to me. I’m not in the neonatal intensive care unit for no reason. Hakadosh Boruch Hu didn’t send me to Emanuel for no reason, and I’m here at Sheba, a place I really just want to run away from. But apparently I’m here for a reason.” And suddenly, when I started looking at it from that angle, everything changed. It gave it tremendous meaning.

47:26 Speaker 5 Wow. It’s like turning one little thing around in your mind.

47:28 Speaker 2 Completely.

47:29 Speaker 5 It’s just good.

47:29 Speaker 2 So I set myself a goal each day. Today I’ll talk to a mother. Today I’ll talk to a nurse. Today I’ll smile at the secretary. I’m not here for no reason. I wasn’t doing anything grand. I didn’t bring some big... come give a class—

47:50 Speaker 5 Activities.

47:51 Speaker 2 No. Just a conversation, talking.

47:55 Speaker 5 That can be much harder than running an activity, I have to say.

47:58 Speaker 2 It can be.

47:58 Speaker 5 Going up to someone like that—

48:01 Speaker 2 Yes.

48:01 Speaker 5 That can be very hard.

48:02 Speaker 2 And then, when I started looking at everything we were going through, and at where I was right then, from a place of “There’s a reason for this, and I’m here on a shlichus,” it became much easier for me.

48:16 Speaker 5 Wow.

48:16 Speaker 2 Much easier. And even today, when I have... There have also been very, very hard periods when it was terribly difficult for me to come to the hospital. It was hard. And I said, “Okay, Miriam, how are you going to help yourself? Today, do some little act of shlichus. Talk to a mother.” And that gave me strength. It gave me meaning. We’re not here for no reason. A long hospitalization—there’s a reason for it.

48:46 Speaker 5 Wow. If we bring this to someone who... You know, women of all ages listen to us, including teenage girls, and what you’ve been through is truly extraordinary. But let’s talk about a girl coming home from school on the bus, exhausted, completely wiped out. Someone sits next to her, and she wonders, “Should I say something? Maybe I should say something? Maybe I’ll ask how she’s doing?” Really, that awareness can accompany anyone in her own situation. Because what is shlichus? A shlucha is someone who knows that everyone she meets is there through hashgachah pratis, and every place she finds herself is through hashgachah pratis. And if you can do that in a situation where you could so easily curl up inside your pain and say, “Poor me, what am I doing here?” then all the more so, anyone can take that approach, that awareness, and—

49:41 Speaker 2 But it’s important for me to say—

49:43 Speaker 5 Yes.

49:43 Speaker 2 I didn’t always have the strength for it. There were days when I didn’t have the strength. I felt it was beyond what I could manage, and yes, I needed a little quiet for myself, and that’s okay. If there are moments when you need some space of your own, that’s okay. But the overall approach should be: “Why am I here? What’s the reason? I have a shlichus here.” And again, there were moments when I felt I needed my own corner and my own space.

50:17 Speaker 5 Yes. That’s also part of... again, it’s a process.

50:20 Speaker 2 Yes, understanding that if there are moments when, okay, I don’t have the strength right now, I need a moment to understand what’s going on with me, that’s okay too.

50:28 Speaker 5 I’m not talking to every person I meet all the time—

50:31 Speaker 2 Yes, yes.

50:31 Speaker 5 That too.

50:32 Speaker 2 Yes.

50:32 Speaker 5 Yes. I think each person really needs to find her balance, because each of us knows herself and knows those moments when she needs quiet. To give to others, we also need to be full ourselves first.

50:41 Speaker 2 Right. And if, for one woman, shlichus means talking to people, someone else might not find that easy, and shlichus for her might be something different. Each person finds her own meaning in it.

50:52 Speaker 5 It’s very personal.

50:53 Speaker 2 Yes. If my shlichus was to talk with mothers, someone else might feel that something different is her shlichus.

51:01 Speaker 5 Yes, and anyone who follows you knows that the platforms where you share your day-to-day insights make it feel like we’re going through the journey with you.

51:09 Speaker 2 Completely.

51:09 Speaker 5 And that’s an enormous shlichus in its own right, that...

51:12 Speaker 2 Completely, completely. I really feel it’s a shlichus to share the journey and all the experiences we’re going through with little Emanuel. I truly feel—

51:22 Speaker 5 You might share just a few words, but for someone else they could change her life.

51:26 Speaker 2 Right, right. And I think—in the end, it strengthens me too, because of the responses and the conversations. I get into conversations with women and find new friends, and they tell me what helps them and how they cope. That strengthens me in return. That’s what’s amazing about it.

51:49 Speaker 5 Wow, that’s incredible. Miriam, how can people reach you? Where can they find you?

51:55 Speaker 2 I’m on social media. First of all, you can find me on Instagram, if you have it—search for miryamrozenbaum1—and on status too. How do we do that? Do I give my phone number? How do we—

52:07 Speaker 5 We’ll include a link and—

52:08 Speaker 2 Yes.

52:09 Speaker 5 Anyone who wants to find you will find you.

52:11 Speaker 2 So yes, truly, with pleasure and lots of love. Really.

52:16 Speaker 5 I highly recommend it. Tell me—

52:18 Speaker 2 Thank you, Chani.

52:19 Speaker 5 A few words to close?

52:22 Speaker 2 What I really want to say is this: if you’re listening to me, I’m speaking to each of you personally. Every single person listening. If you’re going through something in your life—each person with her own challenge—what I want to say is that you know your own strengths and you know what helps you. You can find your own way to come through this challenge stronger and greater. And in the end, we’ll see that everything that happens to us is truly good. Sometimes things don’t look good to us—through our eyes, they really don’t look good. But what we need to remember is that Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s nature is to do good, and sometimes the very, very best things don’t have vessels to contain them. They come in a form that, to our eyes, looks less than good. So remember that everything you’re going through is good, completely good. It takes work—work on that emunah. That’s it. With Hashem’s help, may we...

53:33 Speaker 5 You’re the best example of doing that work, of...

53:35 Speaker 2 It’s constant work, constant work. I fall and get back up, and it’s not simple. You know. Truly. Yes.

53:45 Speaker 5 And your strength can strengthen others. You strengthen me, so I’m sure that everyone who sees you, hears you or follows you can draw so much strength for everyday life.

53:54 Speaker 2 Thank you. With Hashem’s help, may I be a good shlucha.

53:57 Speaker 5 Yes. Wow! Miriam, thank you so, so much. It was a pleasure talking with you.

54:00 Speaker 2 For me too.

54:01 Speaker 5 Thank you so much.

54:02 Speaker 2 My pleasure.