Rabbi Peretz Chen | 3 actions to strengthen our connection with our children

00:00 Hello, dear friends. How are you? What’s new? How’s it going? Today, with Hashem’s help, we’re going to talk about how to build a relationship, how to create a stronger connection with our children. The truth is, where do we find the wisdom we need? With the sages of Israel. The sages of the Mishnah, the sages of the Gemara, the sages of Israel throughout the generations—that’s where it all is. Through their spiritual greatness and their vast knowledge, they truly knew and understood the deepest reaches of the human soul. So when we ask how to build a stronger relationship, how to create a deeper connection, the answers are there, with the sages of Israel, in the holy Torah. Today we’ll talk about three things that, with Hashem’s help, will make our connection better and our relationship stronger when we put them into practice. Right at the beginning of Pirkei Avos, the Mishnah’s first instruction to us is: “Be deliberate in judgment, raise up many students, and make a fence around the Torah.” There are three things here, each of them a guidepost for building good relationships and connections in general—and, of course, we’ll connect them to our subject, raising children. So for a moment, let’s leave the world of raising children and talk about leadership. Someone who leads a community or a group needs these same three things to succeed. Once we understand how this works with a community or a particular group, we’ll immediately understand how it relates to raising children. Let’s say I’m a rabbi with a community. I have a connection with the people, and I want that connection to be genuine. The first thing I need is to “be deliberate in judgment.” It’s very easy to rush to judge people and blame them for one thing or another

02:25 because I see them behaving inappropriately. But the Mishnah’s first instruction in Pirkei Avos tells us: “Be deliberate in judgment.” Before you pass judgment, slow down. Wait. Take a few moments to examine your own thinking. You may suddenly discover that what you thought wasn’t true. I have to share a story about a student I had. This student was chronically late every morning, day after day after day. Of course, the educational staff didn’t like it and spoke to him about it. Then one day he told us something, and it turned out there was a situation we hadn’t really known about. What was it? His parents weren’t living together. They had separated and were on the way to divorce, or something like that, but it was a difficult separation. His father was constantly looking for ways to harass and hurt his wife, whom he was separating from, and the children too. There was something genuinely unhealthy going on with him, and he made their lives difficult. The mother was alone at home with several young children. The student I’m talking about was the oldest. She had to leave for work every morning, run everything on her own, and cope with all that entailed, under very, very difficult circumstances. And this boy was a good boy. He saw that things were hard for his mother and wanted to help her. So every morning, when his mother had already left for work because she couldn’t be late—she needed that job, she needed to earn money—he would stay home and take over for her. He would finish dressing his siblings, make sure everyone had a sandwich, and take them out to kindergarten and school. In effect, the whole burden of the household fell on him, and he did it because

04:25 he understood there was no choice: his mother needed his help. That was why he was late every day. Once we understood, instead of being angry about his lateness, we embraced him for it. We told him, “Well done. You’re an exemplary son. Others should see what you do and follow your example.” Suddenly we understood what was behind it all. Suddenly we understood why he was late every day. Be deliberate in judgment. You can’t make judgments and hand out grades when you don’t really know the full story. So when someone leads a community and sees behavior that seems inappropriate or wrong to him—what do you know about what’s behind it? Do you know what’s going on in that person’s home right now? What’s happening with his children, his finances, or perhaps his health? Maybe what he said or how he behaved comes from a particular situation. Before handing out judgments of one kind or another, you need to look into it. Be deliberate in judgment. It’s fundamental; you can’t do without it. The Mishnah continues: “Raise up many students.” What does that mean? How does it relate to the previous phrase? When we’re deliberate in judgment, we’ll naturally raise up many students. When people see that we’re not the sort who immediately criticize, get angry at everything, and look at everything negatively, but that we look for people’s merits and the good in them; that we’re deliberate in judgment and find out the facts instead of immediately starting to shout—then they’ll want a relationship with us. They’ll want to feel connected to us, and we’ll naturally have many students. That’s the meaning of “raise up many students.” Every one of us works somewhere and belongs to some kind of group. And it’s certainly much more pleasant for us to be

06:34 connected to people who don’t immediately throw negative comments at us, but respond with patience, even when we do something wrong. Every one of us makes mistakes: we’re late for work, we make a mistake at work, or we do one thing or another. How pleasant it is when the person in charge of us can be understanding, recognizes that we sometimes make mistakes, and checks the facts before getting angry and making a fuss. Isn’t it pleasant to work for someone like that? So when a leader behaves this way, he naturally raises up many students. People want to connect with someone like that, to come under his wing. The Mishnah continues: “Make a fence around the Torah.” What does “make a fence around the Torah” mean? One of the things that will help many people connect with me is that fence around the Torah. What do I mean? Our Torah has many, many mitzvos. Some are from the Torah, and some are rabbinic. For example, all the laws of muktzeh on Shabbos—and there are many of them—are not from the Torah; they’re all teachings of the sages. Of course, we must observe them down to the smallest detail. We don’t take the words of the sages lightly. The words of the sages are more stringent than the words of the Torah. But these are teachings of the sages, and those teachings give us many, many mitzvos—a basket full of mitzvos. What do we gain from that? Because of it, every Jew has something to hold on to as a way to connect. If, say, there were only a small number of mitzvos and someone struggled with them, he might not feel a real connection to the mitzvos or to Judaism. Because Judaism has so many laws, and of course we must observe all of them, each person also has particular things to which he feels a special connection. And that becomes the key and the gateway through which he

08:44 It connects him to the other things, because this is a mitzvah that speaks to him. For some people, when Sukkos comes, that’s their holiday. The sukkah excites them; they’re enthusiastic about it. For them, it’s the key to the other mitzvos of the Torah. So when there’s a large basket of possibilities, when we “make a fence around the Torah”—those fences are the additional things the Sages added to the Torah’s laws and mitzvos—each person has a gateway through which to connect. It’s the same with what we were saying about a community leader: when a leader is involved in many different things, he has many more ways to connect people to him. “Here, you take responsibility for this; you work on that.” Each person can do what they’re naturally drawn to, and their connection to that particular thing will connect them to the other things the leader represents, believes in, and encourages. And all of this is in those three teachings: “Be deliberate in judgment”—meaning, be patient before passing judgment—“raise up many disciples,” and “make a fence around the Torah.” That patience is what will bring us many disciples, and their connection to us will come through those fences, through that wide range of things. Connecting to one of them becomes a gateway to everything else. And it’s exactly the same when we’re raising our children at home. The children come home from school one day and don’t listen to us. We tell them to put their schoolbags in a certain place, or to wash their hands with soap because they’ve been outside. Every home has its own rules. Maybe it’s taking off shoes outside so they don’t bring all the dirt from the street into the house. Every home has its rules, and the child doesn’t follow them. The easiest thing is to come down on him at two hundred kilometers an hour: “What? What did we ask you to do? What’s going on now?” It turns into a whole commotion. Wait, wait. He just got home from school. Who knows what someone said to him? What

10:42 happened with the teachers? With his friends? Who knows? Who knows? Soap. Wait a moment. “How are you, sweetheart? How was your day? Is everything all right?” Suddenly we may hear things, and then we’ll know how to respond. When things happen with our children, it’s very hard, honestly, because they’re our children and, when it comes down to it, we allow ourselves much more with them than we would with other people. But if we practice being a little patient, being deliberate in judgment, then we will “raise up many disciples.” Our children will want to connect with us much more. “Here’s a father who understands me. My mother notices me. They sense what I’m going through. They don’t immediately get angry with me. They try to understand me; they identify with my difficulties.” So our connection and relationship with our children becomes much, much stronger. Because we’re deliberate in judging them, we “raise up many disciples.” And to truly create that strong bond, there’s also “make a fence around the Torah.” A home encompasses many, many activities. Take the Shabbos table, for example. There’s a child who would feel fulfilled, happy, and connected if he shared a dvar Torah at the Shabbos table. He might prepare it himself or bring it home from school—it doesn’t matter. His role each Shabbos will be to share a dvar Torah at the Shabbos table, because it speaks to him very, very personally. That’s the key, the gateway through which he’ll also connect to the other things our home represents. And there’s another child who isn’t interested in sharing a dvar Torah. He doesn’t want to, for whatever reason. But if he serves dessert at the end of the meal—the ice cream, the fruit salad, the cake, or whatever it may be—

12:48 if he’s the one to serve it, that will make him feel fulfilled. So we’ll connect him to that particular activity, and for him it will be the gateway to the other things. A home has so many things going on. We can involve him on Shabbos and during the week. Yes, “make a fence around the Torah.” There are many, many fences, many different things. At home, too, there are so many things: everyday activities, preparations for Shabbos, shopping for Shabbos, or shopping in general. So much falls under what we call a home, and we know best what each child connects with. So we’ll connect each one to it personally and give them a sense of importance. That’s the key, the gateway through which they’ll connect to the other things. And when we’re deliberate in judgment—when we don’t immediately react to what they do, but try to be a little more patient and understand whether there’s something going on behind the scenes—as hard as that can sometimes be, they’ll be connected to us as our disciples: “raise up many disciples.” And that’s also thanks to “make a fence around the Torah,” finding what each one connects with most and giving them a personal connection to it. So with Hashem’s help, our relationship and connection with them will be much, much stronger. That’s what we long for. What do we want? A connection with our children is a central part of our shlichus in this world. It’s the most meaningful thing, the reason we go to work every morning. We think about it. We’re happy when things go well and troubled when they don’t. It’s what matters most to us. So may that connection become much stronger, with Hashem’s help, through those three teachings, as the Sages of the Mishnah tell us in Pirkei Avos. Let’s all offer a prayer that, with Hashem’s help, through these words of the Mishnah, our connection with our children will grow stronger; that there will be good news for the Jewish people; and that the soldiers entering Rafah to fight

14:51 there will have success beyond all expectations. May not a hair on the head of any one of them be harmed. May only the accursed enemies be wiped from the face of the earth, and may no Jew be harmed, G-d forbid. May we have nachas from our children, may the wounded recover, may the poor hostages be brought home, and may we have a great deal of nachas, with Hashem’s help. If you feel that what we’ve said here speaks to you, share it. Share it with a friend. If you have something to say about this, write it in the comments below. If you like the video, YouTube will show it to many more people. That’s how it works. Sharing it will also help spread this class further across the internet. So may we all have blessing, a great deal of nachas, and success. Thank you very much. Good news. All the best. Goodbye.