Rabbi Peretz Chen | The way to create change and improvement in our home

00:00 Hello, and have a healthy summer. How are you? How was Pesach? We’re now after Pesach, and Pesach was also a vacation. Some people will say, “Vacation? What vacation? We worked hard in the kitchen with the kids.” True, but by vacation I mean a change of routine. Generally, we don’t go to work, there’s no school, and when the routine changes, there’s time to think. To think about our home, our family, how we do things, how things are going, how we manage everything. Is it going well? What should we improve? What should we do better? That’s what happens during a vacation, and many of us come out of it with a whole load of good resolutions. We decide that, with Hashem’s help, when we get back to our routine after Pesach, things will look different. The children’s bedtime will be much more reasonable—an hour earlier—so they’ll wake up in the morning with energy. And they won’t eat in every corner of the house anymore. We cleaned the house so thoroughly. We worked hard, scrubbed, cleaned, poured our hearts and souls into it. What, are they going to undo it all in seconds? No. From now on, we eat only in the kitchen, at the table. And so we make all kinds of rules. There won’t be any more swearing in our home. We realize that the way we speak isn’t always appropriate, that sometimes there are words we shouldn’t use. We decide that after Pesach we’ll work hard and make an effort to speak more appropriately. So we’re full of resolutions, with a good feeling in our hearts that our home is about to improve. We start the period after Pesach, the summer season, but somewhere deep down, if we’re honest, we feel and fear and know that last time we were on vacation, we also came away with a pile of resolutions—maybe even the same ones—and they hardly lasted. Suddenly the routine began, and it swept

02:26 us along. The things we’d resolved, the things we’d been so sure about and so committed to, melted away. They didn’t happen. So on the one hand, our hearts are excited about this fresh start and these powerful new resolutions. On the other hand, somewhere inside, we know it probably won’t happen. There’s a phrase in the Zohar: “Joy is lodged in my heart on one side, and weeping is lodged in my heart on the other.” On one side there’s a certain joy in the heart, and on the other side there’s weeping. Yes, both are there. So what can we do? What can we actually do so that, with Hashem’s help, this time will be different? So that this time we really, truly see some change in the things we’ve resolved to do—or at least in some of them? In today’s class, we’ll share a tip. It’s very, very simple, but also very practical. If we follow it, with Hashem’s help, we’ll be able to achieve some of the change we’ve been hoping for, to actually get there, instead of seeing it quickly melt away, disappear, and be lost. But before we get to the tip, I want to give two introductions that will help us understand it better. The first has to do with the current situation, with today’s war. The second has to do with Sefiras HaOmer, which we’re in now. Then we’ll understand what action we can take that, with Hashem’s help, will allow us to see a change. So, this class is being filmed today, on Isru Chag. This morning I’d planned to take the children to a park, because when do we have a chance to go out with them? Once the work and school routine begins, there really isn’t time. We want to do a lot, but there’s no time. So I told myself, “Isru Chag is the time. Let’s go to a park, have a picnic. It’ll be fun; we’ll spend time together.” I looked for somewhere to go and found a park in the Eshkol region. I looked at its location and saw that it was

04:58 right among the communities near Gaza, just a few kilometers from Rafah—really close to Rafah, which is in the headlines. I started weighing it up: Should we go or not? Because it’s frightening. I live in Ashkelon, and here in our area, things have already been relatively cleared out. Though sadly, some of them are coming back, and may Hashem watch over us and protect us. But over there, that’s the hottest area. How could I go there? In the end, through hashgachah pratis, we didn’t go. We really had wanted to, but for a few reasons it didn’t work out logistically. So we went to a park near Karmia, close to home. And honestly, this is not an easy time. I was there in the woods with the children. It was nice, we had an enjoyable picnic, but it was unsettling. After all, this is an area where terrible things happened. Sadly, there’s a tension in the air. But what’s actually happening? How does it work? There are areas in the Gaza Strip that have already been cleared and captured. It’s hard even to use those words, because sadly, they keep returning here and there. And there are areas, like Rafah, where an operation hasn’t yet begun. How does this work? Of course, every one of us would want them to go in all at once and finish off all those accursed villains, not one of whom has any place in Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s good world. We’d want it to happen all at once, but apparently it can’t quite happen all at once. Of course, there are discussions about the pace of the operation—whether it’s too slow or should be faster. There’s a lot of discussion about it. But we all understand that things take time. You have to get to one place, gradually clear it, keep advancing, and move on. Sadly, there are many traps there,

07:02 battles, and things take time. When you capture a place, you take it in sections. It’s a process. There’s stage one, stage two, until eventually you achieve an overall conquest, take everything, and gain control of it all. In fact, this appears in the Torah as well. When the Jewish people enter Eretz Yisroel with Yehoshua bin Nun, the Torah says that the conquest of the land will be, in the Torah’s words, “Little by little I will drive them out before you.” Why little by little? “Lest the beasts of the field multiply against you.” It’s explained there that if we conquer the entire land at once and drive out the enemies, whole areas will be left empty. I won’t be able to settle it all at once. And what happens to an empty place? All kinds of wild animals come, and there are other problems. That’s why, “Little by little I will drive them out before you.” First you conquer one section and settle it, then move on to another section. That way, as the Torah says, the conquest is carried out much more properly and effectively. After all, Yehoshua bin Nun did not conquer all of Eretz Yisroel. Other peoples still controlled certain parts of it. Only in the time of King Shlomo was there complete control. Things took time, because in a war, when you’re conquering one part after another, things take time. Just as that’s true physically, when conquering a country, a land, or a territory, it’s also true of spiritual conquest. We’re now in Sefiras HaOmer. We count each day of the Omer, and, as you may have noticed, beneath the count—“Today is one day of the Omer,” “Today is two days,” and so on—it lists the attribute we need to refine that day, from among the seven attributes. On the first day it said chesed shebechesed, kindness within kindness. On the second day it said gevurah shebechesed, restraint within kindness, and so on.

09:30 Then comes Tiferes within Chesed. Each day has its own combination. Today, when we counted, it said Chesed within Gevurah. That’s how it is every day. What does it mean? As we prepare for the giving of the Torah, we need to purify ourselves, to refine our souls—so that we become better, serve Hashem more, and have fewer negative things within us. That work happens step by step. It can’t happen all at once. On the first day, it’s Chesed within Chesed. Chesed means love. We want to reach a great love for Hakadosh Boruch Hu. How do we do that? Through Chesed: with great joy and enthusiasm in serving Hashem. We learn how great Hashem is, a great love for Him awakens within us, and that’s how we come to love Hashem, to feel love for Hakadosh Boruch Hu and for spiritual things. Then the next day is Gevurah within Chesed. Gevurah means working with determination. Because I want to attain a great love for Hashem, a great love of Torah, and a great Ahavas Yisroel, I’ll work with Gevurah—with inner strength, powerful enthusiasm, and tremendous energy. That’s Gevurah, and it helps me ultimately reach the goal of Chesed, of love. Each of those qualities represents a particular refinement of the soul, a step forward for the soul. So over the forty-nine days of Sefiras HaOmer, we conquer one more part of ourselves and then another, until, with Hashem’s help, we achieve a greater, more complete conquest—and there we are, ready for the giving of the Torah. Just as we saw with the physical conquest of a region, so it is with the spiritual conquest of our souls. What does all this tell us? After all,

11:42 we’re still dealing with the question we started with: How do we make sure that this year, the decisions we made and the changes we long for really happen, instead of remaining just decisions that lead nowhere? The method is “I will drive them out little by little.” Step by step, day of the count by day of the count, quality by quality—slowly, with patient work. What does that mean? Say we’ve decided there are several things we want to change. We choose one thing. We may have decided on five things, or four things, or something like that—but we choose the one that matters most to us and put all our energy into it. If we spread our energy across several things, we can’t conquer everything at once. It simply doesn’t work. “Lest the beasts of the field multiply against you,” the Torah says. Unwanted things will crop up, and it won’t work in practice. But if we choose one thing and focus on it, and all the effort and energy of the husband, the wife—both parents in the home—goes toward it, if we devote all our resources to it, then with Hashem’s help we’ll see change. We’ll see the change we’ve been hoping for, see something moving forward, and feel encouraged by it. We’ll feel better about ourselves, too, because finally something is happening. Not all our decisions have fallen by the wayside, as we’ve experienced until now. So the tip is very simple and practical: choose one thing. And when it comes to that thing, we—the couple, the parents at home—are the best people in the world to know how to make it work. We know our children best, and we know ourselves and our needs best. We know what to do to make it happen. But we have to choose one thing. Then, with Hashem’s help, we’ll see how things progress and how that long-awaited change really happens in our home. That way, we’ll succeed in driving them out little by little,

14:05 and the beasts of the field won’t multiply against us, and everything will fall into place. So may we have success, with Hashem’s help. May we enjoy a healthy, happy summer together with our children, and may we merit the complete Geulah. On the seventh day of Pesach, we sat together at Moshiach’s Seudah. We asked and prayed so earnestly, and we were sure that, with Hashem’s help, the Geulah would come. We’re still sure the Geulah will come. We’re also still in the month of Nissan, an auspicious month. “In Nissan they were redeemed, and in Nissan they are destined to be redeemed.” May we merit the Geulah soon. With Hashem’s help, may the hostages return to us. May all the wounded recover fully. May we merit the coming of Moshiach and the resurrection of the dead. If you feel the tip we discussed in this class speaks to you, please share it. Share it with a friend. And if your own wealth of experience has given you ideas for improving on it, write them in the comments below and share them with us, too, so we can learn from each and every one of you. Good news to all, and have a healthy summer. Thank you very much. All the best.