The child is disturbing everyone - maybe I should stop bringing him to shul?

00:00 Hello, everyone. We’re now in the holiday season, when we spend many hours in shul, and our children come with us. Bringing children to shul is a challenge. At first, they get ready at home, excitedly shouting, “We’re going to shul with Dad!” We pack them a bag of candy and treats, and they walk hand in hand with Dad to shul. But after sitting there for a few minutes, they simply get bored. And when they get bored, they make sure everyone around them knows it. They start talking to each other, arguing, finding a friend from preschool or from class, going in and out, and running around. The situation becomes unpleasant. And it’s not just unpleasant for the people around them, though it bothers some of them too. We parents ourselves feel very uncomfortable with what’s happening, and that can lead us to say things to our children that aren’t very nice—things we’ll later regret saying. So today’s class, with Hashem’s help, is about bringing children to shul. We’ll begin with the halachic question and the broader outlook: Is it right to bring children? Is it not? But the main part of the class will be about how to do it properly and effectively when the children come with us, so that only good comes of it, with Hashem’s help. I want to open with something that happened this morning. Today isn’t a Yom Tov; this class is being filmed on a weekday, of course. This morning, during Shacharis in shul, a father arrived with a little girl in a stroller. Davening began, and he gave her his phone so she could watch various things on it. At some point he took the phone back, and the girl started getting bored.

02:01 She began trying to tug at his tallis; she wanted to go here and there. The father grew frustrated and said to her, “What’s with you today? What do you want today? What’s with you today?” You could hear how deeply frustrated he was. I was watching from the side and thinking to myself—and of course, it’s no great feat to sit on the sidelines and criticize what’s happening with someone else. Not at all. Still, I found myself thinking: What does he mean, “What’s with you today?” What’s with her? She’s absolutely right. She’s bored. How long can she sit there? Nothing there interests her. She wants to go play, to do something interesting, something that speaks to her. Sitting in shul with nothing to do isn’t interesting to her. So what’s with her today? She’s terribly bored. That’s what’s with her today. The truth is, I was also at davening this morning with two of my children. They’re older, so at first they sat and read some books. There’s a very nice library there. But eventually they got tired of reading too, and they started playing and bickering with each other a little. Because I’d just seen what happened with that father and had those thoughts, it helped me personally understand that my children really weren’t to blame. So I told them we’d be leaving soon, that davening was nearly over, and I promised them something worthwhile to help them sit calmly for a few more minutes. But what do we actually do in situations like that? And is it even right

03:41 to bring children with us to shul? First of all, the Alter Rebbe says in Shulchan Aruch that a person should teach his young children and train them to answer amen. A father has a mitzvah to teach his children to answer amen. He continues: “As soon as a child answers amen, he has a share in the World to Come.” As soon as the child begins answering amen, he has a share in the World to Come. So how wonderful it is to teach them to answer amen! And where can we teach them, if not where it actually happens—in shul, where the whole congregation answers amen together? At home there are fewer opportunities, though of course there are opportunities there too, with every blessing. But answering amen together with the whole congregation in shul is something special. The Alter Rebbe continues and says that we must train them to stand with awe and reverence. They need to learn to stand with awe and reverence. In other words, we’re talking about a shul where they learn to answer amen and learn to stand with awe and reverence. There is something truly wonderful about that. Through it, they have a share in the World to Come. So bringing them to shul to hear the davening, experience the atmosphere and the melodies, and hear the amens certainly has tremendous value. I’ve seen that when the Rebbe came out for davening and children were there, he would stop by them, look at them, and give them a coin for tzedakah with a warm smile. You could see how pleased the Rebbe was that the children were there, and how he encouraged them for coming. How important and wonderful it is for children to come to shul. There is a story about Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananya, one of the leading Tannaim of his generation. He lived at the end of the Second Beis Hamikdash era, both before and after its destruction.

05:49 When his teacher, Rabban Yochanan ben Zakkai, praised his students, he said of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananya, “Fortunate is she who gave birth to him”—fortunate is his mother. It is said of his mother that when he was a baby in his cradle, she would take him to the beis midrash so that he would hear words of Torah. He didn’t understand, but his neshamah understood. And because of that, he grew into a holy Tanna like Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananya. Throughout his life, his special description was “Fortunate is his mother.” It all came from his time there, in the beis midrash, in shul. How wonderful, how important it is to be there. Last year was a Hakhel year. Hakhel takes place in the year after Shemitah. In the time of the Beis Hamikdash, on Sukkos, all the Jewish people would go to the Beis Hamikdash. In fact, even now, before Sukkos, the theme of Hakhel continues until Sukkos. What was special about Hakhel? The entire family came to the Beis Hamikdash—the men, the women, and the children. And it says that those who brought the children received a special reward: “To give a reward to those who bring them”—a reward for bringing the children to the Beis Hamikdash. So how important it is to bring children to a holy place like a shul. On the other hand, halachah also says that if a child disturbs everyone—the father can’t daven, the congregation can’t daven, and the child doesn’t understand where he is and just makes noise and disrupts things—then it’s better not to bring that child to shul. Shul isn’t a babysitting service, right? A child who is disruptive doesn’t understand what it’s about. So bringing children is very, very important, but if a child really disrupts things for everyone, that’s a different story.

07:39 According to halachah. But this is where the broader outlook comes in. Sometimes we’re quick to decide that it’s better for a child not to come because he makes noise. We’re too quick to make that call. But in our generation, the world outside, the street, has so many fascinating things to offer, so many experiences and thrills. We have a responsibility to make shul an experience for children. It’s no coincidence that today, in many, many communities, they set up special minyanim for children. While the congregation is davening, there’s a separate minyan where a few people take on the task of davening with the children, with songs and various incentives. It’s no coincidence that today, in almost every shul, when a child comes in, there’s immediately that nice person—or several respected people—offering him a candy or something tasty. In many shuls, toward the end of davening, the children gather to answer amen to the last Kaddishes, and then stay to say the Twelve Pesukim. Because in our generation, we have to give them a spiritual experience, an experience of shul, to counterbalance what the street has to offer. It’s very sad to see shuls that were opened when many immigrants came here to Israel and were once full of people. But as that congregation grew older, suddenly the shul became very, very empty. Their children no longer came to shul; the young people didn’t come. And they didn’t come because, when they had come as children and made a little noise, the adults had immediately scolded them. So why would anyone want to come to a place where people scold him? Sadly, this led to shuls simply closing. Even today, there are many, many shuls whose congregations struggle to get a minyan for almost every davening. The young people didn’t continue coming because they didn’t feel it was a place where they had a good experience. So, in our generation—

09:47 According to halachah, again, it’s important to bring children. If a child is very, very disruptive, it’s better not to bring him. But today we should make every effort to bring as many of them as possible. Of course, as we’ll discuss shortly, we need to be thoughtful about how to do it properly. But they should come, because today we need so much to make sure they have a good experience of shul. And the shul, too, should provide suitable activities so that the children enjoy themselves and feel comfortable and happy. We want shul to remain etched in their memories as a fun, pleasant, good place—a place worth going to. That’s our responsibility today. So what do we do? I arrive as a father with my children, and they might make noise, and I feel uncomfortable—very, very uncomfortable. People look at us; you do get looks from people. What can you do? First of all, it all depends on how I prepare in advance. Being prepared for what might happen is already half the solution. Last week I went with my students—I teach tenth grade—on a fascinating Selichos trip. We began in Netivot, at the resting place of Rabbi Yoram Abergel. We said Selichos with them there in the middle of the night, at around three in the morning. From Netivot we continued to Mount Masada, with the aim of climbing the mountain at sunrise, davening Shacharis there and touring the mountain—giving them something unique and special, an experience centered on Selichos and davening. We got to Arad, and from there it’s about a half-hour drive to Mount Masada, along a winding desert road. The students were half awake by then and were starting to make a little noise on the bus. The principal said to me—

11:40 The principal said, “Why don’t you tell them a little about where we’re going? It’ll calm them down to hear a story.” So I said, okay. I knew a little of the story of Masada; I’d been there a few times and had read a little about it. I began telling them the amazing story of Masada: a solitary mountain in the middle of the Judean Desert, like a fortress, where a large group of about nine hundred Jews stayed for around three years. The Romans, who had already destroyed the Beis Hamikdash, couldn’t capture these Jews because they were up on the mountain. Eventually, after a long siege around the mountain, the Romans began building a ramp up to it, using Jewish slaves they had brought from Jerusalem. And the Jews on the mountain didn’t want to harm the Jews building the ramp, because a Jew doesn’t want to harm another Jew. I told them the story dramatically, but I didn’t tell them its very dramatic ending. I said, “Wait until we’re up on the mountain, and you’ll hear it there.” Then, when we started climbing the mountain, I suddenly heard students saying, “Wow, that’s the ramp!” The ramp was the very ascent, the structure the Jews had built that the Romans later used to break through onto the mountain. “Wow, that’s the ramp!” They touched it excitedly. When we finished, the principal said to me, “It’s so good that you told them that story.” I asked why. He said, “Look how seriously they approached the place. These students didn’t know the mountain’s story. As far as they were concerned, they could have been going to some mountain in the desert, climbing it, sweating and working hard for no reason first thing in the morning. Instead, they understood that they had come to a mountain with a story, a place with meaning, where something happened. It has a message. Something moving and special happened there.”

13:23 When you know in advance where you’re going, it feels completely different. It’s just like someone arriving at a hotel. A person who comes to a hotel expects to be pampered: good food, an air conditioner in the room that cools properly without making noise, a pleasant atmosphere, maybe a good show in the evening, activities for the children and a nice pool. He has lots and lots of expectations because he paid good money for it. But when an employee arrives at that very same hotel to work, he doesn’t expect a room with a quiet air conditioner. He doesn’t expect exceptional meals. He doesn’t expect entertainment or anything else, because he knows he’s there as an employee. So both people have arrived at exactly the same hotel, but one has come as a guest who paid a lot of money, and the other has come to work and earn a living. When you know in advance where you’re going and what you’re there for, your expectations follow accordingly. I need to know—we need to know—that when we come to shul with the children, we’re not coming alone. We’re coming with the children, so we need to prepare in advance. I’ll bring various things in my pocket to give them, to bribe them when things get difficult. I’ll also choose in advance to sit not deep, deep inside the shul, but near the exit. After all, the children will be coming and going, so why should they have to make that whole trip across the shul, with everything that might happen along the way? If I need to go out to them, I won’t have to cross the shul every time from the far end or the middle. I sit near the exit. It’s much easier for me and for them to go in and out as needed. It makes things much, much easier. And if they suddenly start

15:10 Making noise—so I understand that this was to be expected, because they’re children. So I bring out what I prepared in advance. I tell them I’m going outside with them, spend a little time doing things with them, daven a little outside, and do what needs to be done. Because sometimes, even if you’re not so enthusiastic about taking the children, there’s no choice. Sometimes your wife has just given birth, or the mother isn’t feeling well, and the children need to come with you to shul. If you know in advance that you’re taking them, you can arrange it properly. Every father and mother knows what will help their children feel calmer and more settled. If you prepare in advance, it’s much, much easier, it works better, and it goes well. Less pressure, less sweating, less worry about the looks and reactions of the people around you. So it depends very much on our preparation. Bringing children to shul is a wonderful, important thing. Of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananya it was said, “Fortunate is she who bore him.” This is what will teach them to answer amen, and its value is tremendous. But of course, if a child is very, very disruptive, then first of all, you don’t always have to bring him. Still, our goal should be to find a way to bring them. With the world as it is today, and all the experiences and attractions outside, they need to know that shul is enjoyable too. It just requires us to prepare in advance and think wisely. Sit down with your wife and think about how to do it wisely—perhaps they should be there for a little while, for part of the time, not the whole time. We need to think it through. These are things we need to pay attention to, and then it looks completely different. So may it be Hashem’s will that, with His help, we have nachas from our children, and that our children

17:01 know how to answer amen, as it says there in halachah, and know the value and preciousness of a shul and a beis midrash. May they be connected to shul not only in the physical sense, but may their very being, with Hashem’s help, connect to a place of holiness. May we soon merit the Geulah, when we’ll come to shul with all the children and go up on pilgrimage with them, very soon, on Sukkos. Presumably they’ll be calmer then, because things will be a little different. Then everyone will truly feel the special power of holiness, which is the real experience of life. May we merit that very soon, and may we have much nachas from our children. I’d be very, very glad if you shared this class, because so many parents face this situation. In fact, every parent with children goes through this, especially when the Yomim Tovim arrive: the question of bringing them to shul. So share it with a friend. Let them hear these ideas too; perhaps they’ll open up some important points about raising our children. I’d also be very glad if you commented below the video. Tell us what you think, and share tips from your own experience. Let’s enrich one another with information on this very important subject. So once again, may we have much, much nachas from our children. May we raise them with joy, health, peace of mind, plenty of strength, abundant livelihood, and health and harmony at home, with Hashem’s help. May it be a good and sweet year. May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year, and may your final sealing be for the good. May we merit the complete Geulah. May we hear good news. All the best, goodbye. Thank you very much.