Rabbi Peretz Chen | - The experience of the Shabbos table - How do I get my kids to stay around the table?

00:00 Hello. So, how many festive meals have we had already, with more to come, G-d willing, over the coming holidays? One meal after another. Rosh Hashanah has so many meals. For those who live outside Israel, every Yom Tov lasts two days, which means a lot of meals—one after another after another. How do we get the children to sit with us around the table? We put so much work into these meals. It’s a lot, a lot, a lot of work. So what can we do to help the children stay at the table longer? In previous classes, we’ve spoken a little about this. For example, in one class we talked about doing something special at the meal: putting special things on the table, things the children like. We talked about complimenting one another at the table, which really brings everyone closer and builds them up—when I compliment my wife, my wife compliments me, and we compliment the children. By the way, I got a response to that class from a family in Jerusalem. They have one child, and he sits with them at the meal, but the meal feels really sad. The parents were very, very troubled by this, because they were afraid of losing him. They had already had some painful experiences in this area, and they were afraid their son would lose all interest in joining them for the Shabbos meal. The woman who heard the class decided to do something. She told me that she put special little cups for saying l’chaim on the table, and her husband prepared a short Torah thought ahead of time that would speak to their son, too. As soon as the meal began, they said l’chaim. She complimented her husband, and he complimented her. Their son noticed, she said, that something out of the ordinary was happening. Suddenly the atmosphere was so pleasant, in a way he hadn’t experienced before, and he got drawn

01:56 into it. He suddenly began sharing what was easy for him and what was hard for him. That woman said, “It simply saved my life.” That’s how she felt. She had felt an unusual kind of frustration, as though she was about to lose something precious, and this saved her life. So it’s a very, very powerful tip: compliment one another at the meal—parents complimenting children, children complimenting one another. Compliments, compliments, kind words at the meal. In one of the most recent classes, we also talked about telling an intriguing story at the Shabbos or Yom Tov table. A story with drama, a gripping story, stories of chassidim, stories of tzaddikim. One listener commented on the video that this was absolutely right, and that it could even be a family story, or something beautiful about scenery or nature—as long as the meal becomes an experience. And he’s so right. The meal has to become an experience, something pleasant and enjoyable that everyone looks forward to all week. I want to share something. About two weeks before I got married, two Shabbosos before my wedding, I was in New York by the Rebbe, as is customary in Chabad in the period before a wedding. On Friday night, again, two weeks before the wedding, I was a guest at the home of a very special man, Rabbi Simon Jacobson. He’s a world-renowned speaker, a wise man, a deep thinker, and a fascinating person. He invited me for the meal. We’re related—our grandmothers are sisters. So I came to his home for the meal, and it was just him, his wife, and me, their guest. It was a fascinating meal. He’s a truly interesting, engaging person who has written bestselling books. One of the things he said to me at the meal was about Shabbos meals. He

03:58 told me, “You need to make sure that the Shabbos meal in your home is interesting, that it’s an experience. Invite guests. Guests always make a meal more interesting, colorful, and lively. Tell stories, tell jokes, make it interesting. Make the Shabbos table interesting so the children will want to be there.” He was so right, and that’s the idea behind stories and compliments. But in today’s class, we’ll talk about another tip—a very, very powerful one that can help children connect with the meal and stay at the table. And adults, too, for that matter. I recently saw just how powerful this idea is. At our Rosh Hashanah meal on the second night, we had guests over. Between our children and theirs, bli ayin hara, there were a lot of children—a whole group of them. At first, everyone sat, ate, and enjoyed the delicious fish and salads. But a few minutes later, the table was suddenly empty. Only the adults were left; the children had gone out to the yard to wander around, play, and talk. I wanted them to sit with us, so I decided: let’s play a game. What kind of game? I called to the children, “Come, come, there’s a game! An interesting game!” Some of them came over. Games draw children in. So we played a game. I told them, “We want to have a good year. Let’s go through the alphabet and say what kind of good year we want to have.” I said, “This year will be a year of…” Someone said “light,” someone said “faith,” someone said “love,” and someone said “Ahavas Yisroel.” Then I said, “Okay, now the next letter.” “This year will be a year of… trust.” “A year of understanding.” Then came the third letter: “A year of Geulah.” And so, for each letter, they started coming up with words. Everyone

06:05 offered words, and of course we emphasized that they should only be positive words. Little by little, everyone got into it. The adults enjoyed it no less than the children, and each person enjoyed the clever word they’d come up with. It was so beautiful and so engaging. But the main gain was that some of the children spent a few more minutes with us at the table, enjoying themselves. It wasn’t a matter of saying, “Sit here because we worked hard,” or “If you don’t sit down, you won’t get dessert or a treat.” That’s an option too. But what do we gain from it? Nothing, except forcing the poor children to sit there when they aren’t enjoying it. So what will that do for us in the future? But when you make it a game, games have power. They have tremendous power. I recently saw a video in which the Lubavitcher Rebbe speaks about a mother’s responsibility in raising her children. Among other things, the Rebbe says that part of a child’s healthy development is having people play with him, have fun with him, and engage him in playful activities. It’s part of his healthy development as a child and as a person. So our job is to bring as many positive, engaging activities as we can into their lives. At the Shabbos and Yom Tov table, that can take the experience to a whole new level. We see the power of games in general. What is it about play that’s so powerful? One thing the Rebbe strongly supported was running summer day camps and overnight camps for children. The Lubavitcher Rebbe valued this so highly that it was the one place he traveled to. The Rebbe never traveled anywhere apart from his home, the beis midrash, and the resting place of his father-in-law, the Frierdiker Rebbe. The one other place the Rebbe traveled to was the children’s summer camp, Camp Gan Israel. What do they do there? And the Rebbe spoke about what makes it special

08:11 At this camp, they give the children a Jewish experience in a special atmosphere, with games and activities. They have a pool there, and in this way they manage to instill Judaism in the children through an enjoyable experience—one that will stay with them and make them want it for the rest of their lives. There are stories of children who later established families of G-d-fearing Jews because of those summer camps. It came from presenting Judaism to them through experiences, games, and things that interested them. If we look a little deeper, everything in the world needs to be directed toward Hakadosh Boruch Hu. Anything can be used positively or negatively. Take the alphabet game we spoke about earlier. You could play the very same game in a very negative way. Instead of saying that alef stands for ahavah, love, and Ahavas Yisroel, you could say alef stands for arur, “cursed”; beis could stand for balagan, “chaos”; and gimmel for gezel, “theft.” You could do that. But you can also take that very same game in a very positive direction. That’s the idea: to take games, to take what we’ve been given, and direct it toward the good—to something that will help us, our families, and our children grow. It’s interesting how powerful games can be. There’s even a sicha in which the Rebbe of Lubavitch speaks about chess. Chess is a beautiful, distinctive, very clever game, and the Rebbe devoted an entire sicha to explaining how every move in chess carries a message for our avodas Hashem. The way the pawn moves, the way the bishop moves, the way the other pieces move, and the steps they take

10:25 on the board are not arbitrary. They symbolize different moves in our lives here in this world. Games are very powerful. We can learn a great deal from them. So our task is to bring games into our Shabbos meals and Yom Tov meals, and we can do wonderful things with them. Sukkos is coming soon. On Sukkos, for example, we can play that same alphabet game, but with words connected to Sukkos. What word or words connected to Sukkos begin with alef? Someone might say esrog, someone else arba minim, the four species, and someone else ushpizin. What words connected to Sukkos begin with beis? Someone might say brachos—there are many brachos, over the lulav and over sitting in the sukkah. For gimmel, we have gimel tefachim, three handbreadths: when you make a sukkah using strings or metal bars, the distance between them needs to be within three tefachim, under the halachic principle called lavud. And so on. Daled—daled minim, four species, and so on. You can come up with really wonderful things. Or here’s another example of a game, though it requires preparation: take and print out a few pictures beforehand. For example, print a picture of a foot, hold it up during the meal, and ask, “Who knows what this picture has to do with the holiday?” Someone might say that a regel, a foot, is connected to the shalosh regalim, the three pilgrimage festivals. You can do this with all sorts of pictures, and the children will think about what the connection might be. Put up a picture of a spring. Someone who knows will recognize the connection to the Shiloach spring, from which water was drawn for Simchas Beis Hashoeivah. These are sweet, lovely ideas that can really

12:21 enhance the meal. They can make it pleasant and fun, and afterward we parents will say, “Wow, what a meal! What fun we had! What a powerful, special Yom Tov!” It takes preparation and thought. Not all of us are experts at coming up with games on the spot. But like any good thing in life, it takes preparation, and when you prepare properly, things go well. So let’s sum up what we’ve discussed. We spoke about how important it is to make the meal engaging and experiential, something that speaks to the children. In the past, we spoke about giving each other compliments and doing special, out-of-the-ordinary things that the children will enjoy and that will make them happy. We spoke about telling stories—a good story, a dramatic, compelling story that will capture their hearts. Today we spoke about bringing games into the meal, games that fit the occasion. We discussed two kinds of games that can enhance it. Of course, everyone can add more ideas, with Hashem’s help, and take it to new heights. You can also ask the children to prepare something—perhaps the older ones, who can put something substantial together. You can make a whole project out of it. You’ll see that you parents will enjoy it, the children will enjoy it, your guests will enjoy it—everyone will enjoy it. So may it be Hashem’s will that we put these things into practice. I would be very, very happy if you shared this important class. Share it with a friend, and let’s bring them these simple but very powerful ideas too. And, with Hashem’s help, may we have much, much nachas from our children. May we go with them this coming Sukkos to the Third Beis Hamikdash. May we make the pilgrimage there together with them, in joy, with nachas and great peace of mind. I’d also be glad

14:27 if you would leave a comment below and tell me what you think. Share a tip for games at the Shabbos or Yom Tov table. Share it with us, too. Let’s share ideas with one another. Once again, may you have much, much nachas, and a joyous Yom Tov. Much success. May we merit the complete Geulah very soon. Amen, may it be so. Thank you very much. Good news and all the best.