Rabbi Peretz Chen | My child doesn't share! How will I know what's going on with him?

00:00 Yesterday we were with the children at a special amusement park at Kibbutz Yagur, near Haifa. There were electric rides and all kinds of trampolines, and, without the evil eye, lots of children. It was very, very hot. The children were having fun, the parents were sweating, and there was joy and gladness and a Yom Tov for the Jews. Then I was standing with the children in line for the bumper cars for little kids, and I saw a family whose two younger children were in one of the cars. About four or five adults were standing to the side, watching them. For the entire four or five minutes those children were in the bumper car, the adults’ eyes were simply shining, and the smiles never left their faces. Four or five minutes straight. It makes us so happy; we enjoy it so much. We’re so happy when our children are happy and having a good time. We want things to go well for them, we want to help them, and we want to be involved in everything that happens to them—in their successes and in their challenges. But what happens is that, little by little, children sometimes stop sharing as much with their parents. They want their independence, and they don’t tell us things. As parents, we feel a little disconnected. We don’t know what’s going on, and it’s only when something out of the ordinary happens—a special success or a particular challenge or difficulty—that we suddenly hear about it. Until then, we’re out of the loop, not in touch, and things carry on without us. We don’t want it to be that way. We want a connection with them; we want to know what’s happening in their lives. But often, it’s also a little convenient for us parents. Let’s be honest. The boy is in class, the girl is at school, they have a teacher and other teachers, and the teachers are doing their job. We’re out of the picture, and that’s convenient for us. Or perhaps it isn’t always convenient; it’s just that the rush of life and all its demands create this reality.

02:16 But let’s think for a moment: If we had a business that we had built with our own two hands and developed ourselves, would we say, “Fine, let things run, and we’ll get involved only in extreme cases”? Or would we come into the business day after day after day, check what was happening, look at the reports, and make sure everything was moving forward? That’s probably what we’d do, because otherwise the business couldn’t get off the ground. Without a manager there to check what’s happening, it won’t run properly. Our children are the business of our lives. They are our life’s undertaking, our mission, our life’s shlichus. Surely our involvement there needs to be much, much greater. I can say this as a parent, but also as a teacher and an educator for many, many years. More than once, a parent gets angry: “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you do this or that?” And of course parents need to be updated. But sometimes I think to myself—and sometimes I even say it, gently, of course—“Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you check?” Sometimes, with all our work, rushing around, and worries, we simply forget to do something. But where were you as a parent? Doesn’t this concern you? Ask. Find out what’s going on. That’s a thought many teachers have: Why doesn’t the parent get in touch? And they’re right, because this is a shared undertaking for all of us. It isn’t only the parent’s responsibility, and it isn’t only the teacher’s. The teacher is certainly involved, but it belongs very much—and especially—to the parents themselves. So in today’s lesson, let’s make a good resolution together. A good resolution for the new year. By “new year,” I mean the new school year that is approaching, may it be for the good, amen. And just as before the new year, before

04:22 Rosh Hashanah, there is a custom—we’re told that the Chabad Rebbeim, including the fifth Chabad Rebbe, the Rebbe Rashab, would make a new resolution to be especially careful in observing a particular mitzvah in the coming year—so too, as the new school year approaches, we’ll make a good resolution together today. Its purpose is to be more involved and better informed about what’s happening with our children. So today we’ll talk about why it’s so important to keep up with what’s going on, to be involved, and to find out how they’re doing. We’ll also talk about the power of a good resolution: when we make one, the resolution itself already has the power to bring about good things, with Hashem’s help. So why is it so important to know what’s happening? To call from time to time, to ask, and not to stand on the sidelines? First of all, when a teacher knows that this parent—this father or mother—calls from time to time or sends a message asking, “What’s happening? How are things going? Where do things stand?” that in itself makes the teacher pay much more attention to how the child is doing. Of course teachers need to pay equal attention to everyone. That’s all true. But human nature is such that when you know you’ll have to give a report from time to time on what you’re doing, you approach things differently. It’s no accident that among chassidim it is customary—and the Rebbe asked for this many times—to send the Rebbe reports about their activities: what I did, how I did it, how I progressed. The Rebbe wanted the reports to be as detailed as possible, with a real account of every aspect of the activities. When a Jew knows, when a person knows, that they’re expected to give a report, their actions look different. I remember that when I was studying, I had the privilege of studying by the Rebbe for a little over a year. I and many, many other students who were studying like me would, from time to time,

06:43 travel to the Rebbe’s holy Ohel. I would write a report every two weeks, describing everything that had happened over those two weeks—all the successes and all the challenges. Now, how did that help? It helped a great deal. When I know that in another week, or half a week, or two weeks, I’m supposed to write a detailed report about what I’ve done, it makes me do things much more effectively, much better, and more appropriately, because I have to submit a report. I very much want that report to be good—to be positive, pleasing, joyful, and moving. It’s the same in our case. When the teacher knows that a parent will ask what’s happening, that automatically makes that staff member pay much closer attention. Another thing: how important it is for the teacher to know important details about the child. For example, there are all kinds of fears in the world. Some people are afraid of dogs, some of elevators, some of balloons. There are many kinds of fears, traumas, anxieties, and similar things. So let’s say there’s a child who’s afraid of balloons—it does happen—and the teacher doesn’t know. They have a birthday celebration in class and inflate balloons. The child becomes anxious and, unable to control his reaction, simply runs out of the classroom. He flees. He can’t stay there, and the teacher might get angry with him: “What? You’re leaving without permission?” The teacher might make a fuss, send him to the principal, and then involve the parents. All of that could have been avoided if the teacher knew that this particular child was afraid of balloons. Then they could find alternatives. There are other nice ways to decorate a classroom besides balloons. In other words,

08:39 Information about a child’s sensitivities, about things we need to be careful of in dealing with him, can help us tremendously in helping him move forward. There are points that, if we focus on them, can help him reach great heights. If a staff member knows about these things, it can help enormously, bring about remarkable improvement, and prevent so many mistakes and unnecessary situations that could have been avoided entirely. Another thing: the child knows that we, his parents, are aware of what’s going on. We’re not in a situation where he comes home and we ask, “How’s school? How’s cheder?” and he says, “Everything’s fine.” “How was it?” “Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine”—until suddenly we discover that not everything is fine. When a child knows that we parents know what’s happening and are involved—of course, not excessively or in a way that puts pressure on him, but in a pleasant, balanced way—it makes a difference. Parents can sense their child. They can tell when it’s becoming too much and unpleasant, and when it’s still comfortable and reasonable. But the very fact that he knows we’re up to date can be conveyed in a wonderful way. When we hear about something good he did, we can give him a prize: “We heard such-and-such from your teacher.” He gets a prize from us, and he also gets the message indirectly. We haven’t even told him that we spoke with the teacher, but he suddenly understands: They’re involved; they know what’s happening. How much that can help! He knows we’re involved and that he can’t pull the wool over our eyes. That’s very, very important. We can achieve this through involvement, through keeping in touch—an occasional phone call, or not even a call, just a WhatsApp message or an SMS: “How are things? What’s going on?” Showing interest is very effective in getting the teacher to pay attention. It’s also very effective in letting the child know that we’re involved. And another way it can help tremendously

10:49 is that we’ll simply find things out early. When we discover something only after it has grown into a major issue, it’s much harder to deal with. After all, when do they usually contact us parents? When the child has already gone much too far. But if we knew earlier that he was having difficulty with a particular subject, or had a problem with lateness, or some behavioral issue, we could address it and help much more effectively—while it’s still in the early stages, before it has reached every level of the school administration. When the flame is still small, it’s much easier to deal with. When it’s large, it’s much, much harder. That’s why it’s so important for us to be involved. Of course, there are many, many reasons why our involvement as parents has such a significant effect on a child’s success, but we’ve discussed just a few points. We spoke about how, when a teacher knows we’ll be in touch, he’ll pay much more attention, because before long he’ll need to give us an update and we’ll ask him what’s happening. We saw how, when a teacher knows early on about various difficulties, as in the example with the balloons, it can prevent many, many problems. We discussed how a child’s knowing that we’re involved will itself lead him to behave accordingly, because he knows, “My parents know exactly what’s going on with me.” And it will also help us learn about things at a much earlier stage. When you know about something early, it’s much simpler and easier to address. So here’s the small good resolution I suggest. First and foremost, I’m saying it to myself; anyone else who wants to listen and take it on is welcome to do so. It’s a good resolution for us to make as we approach the new year: with at least one of our children—the child

12:51 with whom things seem a little more challenging, the one whose situation needs closer attention—we’ll be much more in touch with the educational staff. If we see that it helps, and with Hashem’s help it should, we’ll naturally want to do the same with our other children. But let’s start. The good resolution is to focus on one child and make an effort this year to be much, much more in touch. Just another phone call or message: “How are things? What’s going on?” When you make a good resolution, the very act of making it already helps. It already makes a difference; it already moves things forward. The Gemara tells us about Reish Lakish. At first, Reish Lakish was an exceptionally strong, robust man, involved in things he shouldn’t have been involved in. But Reish Lakish did teshuvah and became a student of Rabbi Yochanan. The Gemara relates that at first he could leap across a river in a single jump. He was a very powerful man. But when Reish Lakish resolved to do teshuvah and begin connecting with Torah and studying it, he tried to do the same thing—to cross the river in one leap—and could no longer do it. The good resolution itself had already brought about an inner change in him. He had already lost some of the physical strength he’d had before. That is the power of a good resolution: the very act of making it already begins to help. It is also written in halachah, regarding fasts, that if non-Jews come to a city to wage war against it and conquer it, and the people must go out to fight, fasting helps them succeed in battle. But the problem is that if they fast now, how will they fight? They won’t have the strength. The Shulchan Aruch says that they should resolve to fast afterward. They won’t fast now, because they need strength to fight. But the very act of resolving to fast afterward will already help them succeed in that battle. Making a good resolution has power. I saw a letter the Rebbe wrote to a woman in Detroit, in the United States, who had established an organization there for various Chabad activities for women. The Rebbe writes to her about the good she is doing and its many advantages, and says that although what she is setting out to do may at first seem ambitious, something so big that you wonder, “How is this even possible?”—the very act of resolving to do it helps bring what seems ambitious and beyond our reach down into reality, so that it actually happens. Making a good resolution itself gives you strength. A good resolution has power. We see this point in connection with the Geulah as well. The Rebbe once said that some people ask, “Wait a minute—we believe Moshiach could come at any moment. So why make plans at all?” Plans to do this and that, to establish an institution, to help people, to do so many good things, to teach Torah and start classes—why make plans? Moshiach is coming; everything will change. What place is there for all these plans? It might seem as though making plans means I don’t fully believe Moshiach is coming, because he could arrive in a moment and everything would change. So why do you need plans? But the Rebbe said exactly the opposite: making good resolutions, positive plans—the very act of making those

15:01 If they fast now, how will they fight? They won’t have the strength. The Shulchan Aruch says in halachah that they should make a good resolution to fast afterward. Not now—they shouldn’t fast now, because they need the strength to fight. But making that good resolution to fast afterward will itself help. It will help bring success in this war, because making a good resolution has power. I saw a letter the Rebbe wrote to a woman in Detroit, in the United States. She had established a Chabad organization there that ran various activities for women. The Rebbe wrote to her about how good her work was and its many merits, and so on. He told her that, at first, what she was doing might seem ambitious—something huge. How could it even be possible? But making the good resolution to do it already helps bring what seems so ambitious and beyond us down to earth, so that it becomes a reality. Making a good resolution itself brings strength. A good resolution has power. We see this point in connection with the Geulah, too. It’s interesting: the Rebbe once said that some people ask, “Wait a minute. We believe Moshiach can come at any moment, so why make plans at all?” Plans to do this and that, to establish an institution, to help people, to do so many good things, to teach Torah and open classes—why make plans? Moshiach is coming; everything will change. What place is there for plans, for all sorts of plans? It can seem as though, if I make plans, I don’t really believe—or my belief is somehow lacking—that Moshiach will come, because Moshiach could come in a moment and everything will change. So why do you need plans at all? But the Rebbe said exactly the opposite. The very act of making good resolutions, positive plans—the very making of those resolutions

17:12 Good resolutions themselves help bring Moshiach. When Hakadosh Boruch Hu sees a Jew making a good resolution, aspiring to do good, wanting to take on special tasks and do things that will improve the material and spiritual condition of the Jewish people—that matters. Far from delaying the Geulah, G-d forbid, or showing a lack of faith, these good resolutions do exactly the opposite: they bring the Geulah closer. A good resolution has power. So let’s also make a resolution for the new year, for the new school year: with Hashem’s help, we’ll be in much closer contact with the educational staff, at least for one of our children. Let’s get into the habit of checking in at an interval we decide on—sending a message, picking up the phone: How are things? What’s happening? With Hashem’s help, that can only help. May it be Hashem’s will that in the new year we see much nachas from our children. May we hear many, many, many, many good things from them and receive lots of happy updates about how they’re doing. With Hashem’s help, may we have nachas from all of them. And in the merit of the good resolution we’re making together today—a resolution of tremendous importance, because our children are, after all, our life’s shlichus—may we merit that Moshiach comes soon, with Hashem’s help. We’ll walk with our children to greet Moshiach and say to him, “You see, Moshiach Tzidkeinu? These are our children. These are the fruits of our efforts, the gift we’re bringing. We invested in them; we kept up with what was happening in their lives. It only helped. And, boruch Hashem, you can see our successes now that you, Moshiach, have arrived.” May it be Hashem’s will that we merit Moshiach’s coming very soon. Amen, so may it be. Much nachas. A good year. Good news.