Mom, Dad, let go! - How do you hand over responsibility to your children? | Rabbi Peretz Chen

00:00 I know today’s lesson is exceptionally important. How do I know? Because of how many things went wrong while I was filming it. Yesterday morning I was at the Kinneret, filming the lesson early in the morning, right beside the waves. When I listened to the recording afterward, the setting was stunning, but there was so much background noise from the waves and, apparently, the wind. So this morning I filmed it again, with another stunning view, and something went wrong with that recording too. That’s when I realized this must be an important lesson, because good things, important things, come with obstacles. They don’t come easily. So today we’ll talk about that big word: responsibility. “Take responsibility.” “Why aren’t you taking responsibility?” “Where’s your sense of responsibility?” But sometimes in life we need to let go of a little responsibility, especially when it comes to raising our children. One of our biggest tasks is to transfer responsibility from our hands to theirs. So in today’s lesson, with Hashem’s help, we’ll talk about how to do that. We’ll also understand why it’s so important for them to have that responsibility, and we’ll see that this is the process Hakadosh Boruch Hu takes us through as well. I want to begin with a story from the start of last week. Last week, our extended family went on a short vacation up north. I was packing the car, loading bags and getting everything organized, when I suddenly noticed that the spare car key was missing. I searched and searched but couldn’t find it anywhere. It made me a little anxious, because I’d already had an incident with a key in the past, and it was a headache that cost quite a bit of money too. So I kept looking, wanting the peace of mind of knowing where the key was, but I couldn’t find it. My wife saw me running around and said, “Let it go. Leave it. You’ll suddenly see it turn up somewhere. Just let go of the responsibility of

02:13 finding the key right now.” And I listened to her. Hakadosh Boruch Hu tells Avraham Avinu, “Whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her voice.” So I listened to Sarah’s voice—to my wife’s voice—and let it go. I said, “Okay, we’ll find it. We’ll find it when we find it. Whatever happens, happens.” We went on vacation and came home. I remembered that the key was missing and still couldn’t find it anywhere, but in my heart I’d already let go. Then, on Friday, just before Shabbos, I got into the car to drive to Minchah before Shabbos. My son came over to the car and felt something in the pocket of his Shabbos suit. He pulled it out and discovered the car key in his pocket. It turned out that the previous Motzaei Shabbos he’d gone to the car and left the key in his pocket. It had stayed in his suit pocket all week, waiting until Friday, when we were going to shul. I’d let the matter go, and things worked out. Sometimes in life you need to let go—not take full responsibility for making everything happen here and now, exactly when and how you want it. But when it comes to raising children, this is absolutely crucial: we need to gradually transfer responsibility from ourselves into their hands. Broadly speaking, there are two kinds of parents: the parent who intervenes and the parent who is involved. A parent who intervenes steps in and decides everything for their children, because they know best, because they’re the father or the mother. An involved parent offers advice and helps the child work out how to make the right decision, but it remains advice. Ultimately, they leave the decision in the child’s hands. For example, a new school year is about to begin. Schools offer children a range of extracurricular activities, and the children

04:19 have to choose two from a list of five or ten. A boy or girl is unsure which activities to choose, so they come to us, their parents. The parent who intervenes will say, “Listen, my dear son,” or “my dear daughter, you’re going to this activity and that one, because they’re the best, they’re the most worthwhile, and they’ll help you in life.” Okay, so the child listens like a robot and does what Mom and Dad said. Fine. An involved parent will say to their child, “Listen, this activity has these wonderful advantages, but it also has certain drawbacks. The other activity has these advantages, but it has different drawbacks too.” That way, you give them a clearer picture, because they’re still young and can’t see the whole picture yet. But the final decision about which activity to choose is theirs. That way, they feel capable of making decisions. They learn, little by little, to use their judgment. And if they end up choosing an activity that isn’t the best one and miss out on something better, that’s an excellent life lesson: sometimes you need to think things through more carefully and consider other angles. That’s how you learn about life. That’s how you become much better prepared for life’s challenges. After all, later in life the decisions will be far more significant—like the decision of whom to marry. That’s a weighty decision, with consequences for generations to come. That’s when you need that sense of how to make decisions. Where to live, where to work—those decisions are much more significant than choosing one activity over another. But it starts with these small things: giving children the

06:24 feeling that they know how to make a decision, that they can take responsibility, that we trust them. And it starts at a very young age. For example, a mother is baking a cake or challahs for Shabbos, and her daughter or son comes over wanting to take part. It’s most convenient for us if they play off to the side, watch a movie on the computer, and leave us in peace to make the cakes and challahs. After all, if they get involved, what a mess there’ll be! What will come of it? It won’t turn out right, and everything will get dirty. But if we say to that child, “Okay, you want to help? Come on over. Here’s your piece of dough. This is your bowl. Let’s get to work,” then maybe in the end—and usually, at first, this is probably what will happen—it won’t turn out very well. But what feeling will they have gained? They trust me. They’re putting responsibility in my hands. They believe I can do it, that I’m capable, that I can be trusted to do things properly. That feeling enters their conscious mind and, especially, their subconscious. It sinks in deeper and deeper. When the time comes for a significant decision, they’ll be better able to make it, because they’ll know they’re responsible, they can use their judgment, and people trust them. That’s a wonderful gift that we parents need to give our children. And this applies at every age. Of course, if the choice involves something dangerous, something that threatens the child’s safety, then our duty as parents is certainly to stop it, put on the brakes, and explain that it’s dangerous. Certainly not. We don’t leave dangerous things to their judgment. That goes without saying. But with things that fall more into a gray area, like which activity to choose—that’s fine. Which activity? Our child now wants, uh, uh,

08:29 He decided he wants to study a tractate, to complete a tractate of Gemara, and he’s deciding between two. So the father can either explain it himself or ask someone else, and then lay out the picture for him: What will he gain from this tractate? What will he gain from the other one? But the child will make the decision. Or a child wants to go study at a particular school. He’s a little older now—high-school age, yeshiva age—and he’s deciding where to study. Again, if one place is problematic, Hashem protect us, then of course we have to stop him. But if both places are good, even if one is a little better than the other, they’re both basically sound places. Our job as involved parents, rather than interfering parents, is not to tell him, “You’ll study there because that’s where I studied.” No. “Listen, this yeshiva has wonderful strengths: A, B, C, D, and E. But it also has things that could use some improvement. And that other yeshiva, that other school, has its own strengths and weaknesses. You’ll make the decision. The decision will be yours.” First, if things are unpleasant afterward, he’ll have made the decision, not us, right? So we’ve gained something there. But the main benefit is that we develop their sound instincts and their ability to see things properly. How do you make a decision? How do you make choices in life? Then, when they reach major decisions—like whom to marry, for example—they’ll have those instincts, that ability to distinguish between things, to exercise judgment, to weigh gains against losses. That’s a gift we’re called upon to give them for their entire lives: to be involved parents who are there and know what’s going on, but don’t interfere. A friend told

10:27 me something remarkable. One of his children wanted something, and the parents weren’t very willing to give it to him. The child made a threat. He said, “If you don’t give me this, I’ll do this and that.” The threat made the father a bit anxious—and he told me just how anxious he got. He really panicked. He didn’t know what to do. Should he give in because of the threat, or...? He didn’t know. Then, he told me, his wife said to him—after all, women were given greater understanding—“Do you know why our son is playing this game with you? Because he feels you’ve taken all the responsibility for this situation onto yourself. So he’s playing a game. If you let go of that responsibility and hand it over to him, he can decide whatever he wants, but there are consequences. You’ll see things look different.” So he listened to his wife and made an inner decision to let go of the responsibility and hand it over to his son, who would make the choice. If he made a bad choice, made a mistake and paid a price for it, he would learn. So he told his son, “Listen, my dear boy, you know where we, your parents, stand. You know our position, right? You know we don’t agree to this, and the threat isn’t acceptable to us either. But this is your responsibility. If it causes harm, if you lose out because of it, that will be the result of your decision.” And he says that, remarkably, the child backed down very quickly. He dropped both the demand and the threat, and things went back to normal peacefully—as soon as the father let go of the responsibility

12:13 for the situation. We need to let go of that responsibility and put it in their hands. At first, with small things, small decisions. Say we’re standing in the supermarket in front of the snack shelves. We’ve told the child he can buy only one snack, and he’s deciding between chips in one flavor and Bissli in another. For him, right now, it’s a weighty decision. And we tell him, “Decide. Make a choice. You like this one, and you like that one. This is one flavor, and that’s another. Make a decision.” Is that something small? It’s the smallest thing, absolutely tiny. But this little thing will grow into something big. The small decision he makes for himself here will help him make the right decisions in the big, significant matters of life, and see things properly. The truth is, this is exactly the process Hakadosh Boruch Hu uses with us. After all, there’s such a thing in the world as free choice. Animals don’t have free choice; the angels in heaven don’t have free choice. They’re like robots: they have a task, and they do it. Hakadosh Boruch Hu gave us the ability to choose, as the Torah says: “See, I have set before you life and good”—on one side, life, goodness, holiness—“and death and evil” on the other side: problems, transgressions, the negative things in the world. Now, the Torah goes on to say, “Choose life.” The Torah commands us to choose good, but we still have the ability to choose what isn’t good. Why did Hakadosh Boruch Hu give us choice? What’s the idea behind it? By giving us choice, Hakadosh Boruch Hu is, in other words, telling us, “I believe in you. I trust you. I’m putting the responsibility in your hands.” I created

14:21 a world, an amazing world, a world full of amazing things. Wherever you travel in the world—what a world! “How manifold are Your works, Hashem.” It’s an extraordinarily wonderful world, and every good deed we do strengthens the world’s existence. Every negative deed weakens it. So Hashem trusts us? We could destroy things! But yes, He trusts us. He gave us the ability to choose. He tells us, “I believe in you. I’m handing the responsibility over to you. You’ll do what needs to be done. I trust you to do what needs to be done.” So if Hakadosh Boruch Hu places the responsibility in our hands in matters that affect the entire universe—as Chassidus explains in Tanya, every small action a person takes here in this world affects all the higher worlds, from this world through the world of Atzilus and beyond; it affects everything—and nevertheless Hakadosh Boruch Hu gives us that responsibility, shouldn’t we give our children the responsibility to choose between things? So that is our task, our duty as parents: to put decisions in their hands, to let them decide. We’ll be involved parents. We’ll advise them and help them see things more clearly. But ultimately, we’ll make every effort to let them make the decision—of course, in a way that suits their age and the situation, not with dangerous things, but with things they can reasonably decide given their age and circumstances. We’ll let them decide. That’s the great gift we can give them, and then, when it comes to the significant matters in life, they’ll know much better how to choose and how to make a decision. We all long for the Geulah to come already, for Moshiach to come. This galus has been so long, and we’re waiting so eagerly for the Geulah. Hakadosh Boruch Hu can bring the Geulah in a second, at this very moment, bring

16:29 The Geulah. But Hakadosh Boruch Hu decided that the Geulah would come through the deeds we do, through the actions we take. Because Hakadosh Boruch Hu believes in us, because He trusts us, He has also placed the responsibility for the Geulah in our hands. The Geulah is something the Jewish people have yearned for throughout history. We have long yearned for the complete Geulah, and yet He has placed something so precious to Him in our hands. How much responsibility Hakadosh Boruch Hu has given us! So may it be His will that we live up to that responsibility. Let’s take good actions, do good things, bring the Geulah closer, and strengthen the world’s existence. And may we have the wisdom to give our children responsibility, to show them that we trust them. Give them a part in what we’re doing in the kitchen. If I’m fixing something at home and they want to help, let them take part. Give them that feeling: I trust you, I believe in you. You know how to take responsibility. And let’s help them—give them the opportunity to make decisions, so they feel that they’re deciding things. That is a wonderful gift we as parents have both the opportunity and the duty to give our children. So may we have much, much nachas as we raise healthy children—healthy in body and healthy in spirit—happy children, children filled, with Hashem’s help, with joy. May we merit the complete Geulah, with Hashem’s help. And I have one request before we finish: If you feel that the subject of this class has given you, is giving you, or will give you something, and has opened up some points for you to think about, please share this class. Pass it on to someone else. Let them, too, hear this idea and take it to heart, and with Hashem’s help, put it into practice in their own lives. It’s something that will greatly improve our children’s future. Good news.

18:32 Thank you very much. A complete Geulah. All the best, goodbye.