שלום בית (חלק 1): טהרת המשפחה

00:00 Speaker 1 Okay, this is Igris, and, uh, we are coming close to Rosh Hashanah, so we're coming close to the end of our volume, and we're also coming close to a time where we have to-- Or, I mean, we're already in a time where we have to make an accounting for how things have gone over the past year. We've talked recently about Cheshbon HaNefesh. We've talked recently about, uh, preparing for Rosh Hashanah. I wanna talk today about, uh, a Ben Adam Lechavere preparation for Rosh Hashanah, which strikes an Ben Adam LeMakom preparation for Rosh Hashanah, which is Shalom Bayis. Shalom Bayis, peace in the home. Specifically, uh, the kind of peace in the home that the Rebbe is going to be talking about in our letters today. We have a letter from Taf Shin Lamed Gimel. It's printed near the end of the book. The truth is that all-- at the end of every volume, at the end of most volumes in Igris, they take all the letters where they don't have a date, and they put them at the end of the book. So this is a left-out letter from Elul. This could have been from any time of the year, but it is printed near the end of volume twenty-eight from exactly fifty years ago, and the date is just, is just Taf Shin Lamed Gimel. And somebody writes to the Rebbe about a problem with Shalom Bayis. That's what it says on the bottom down here, that the family was having trouble with peace

00:57 Speaker 1 in the home. And the Rebbe writes, this letter is Yud Taf Taf Kuf Lamed Ches. It says, "Kanira hi isa ana gasim shlake debaye vinyana Taris Mishpacha uva meila nizuke shneiam." Look at that. It says, "Clearly they were not careful about Taris Mishpacha, clearly they weren't careful about the laws of family purity, and therefore, they are both having problems with Shalom Bayis." The issue, and he says nizuke is the issue with Shalom Bayis, that their Shalom Bayis is damaging both-- is going to damage both of their Shalom Bayis. "Ulai yakiru ze." Maybe they can come to this, uh, understanding. "Ide asbaras acheir, ulai gam me'attsmam." Maybe they'll understand this on their own. Maybe somebody else has to explain this to them. "Umeili yadu shrak ze hasiba lashinei yachasi bneiha," and then they will understand that this is the only reason why there's a change in relationship between them. "Veleit peirur lechulo," and not that they've gone-- grown separate over time. You know, people talk about irreconcilable differences. I believe that's the, the usual phrasing of many divorces in America. The Rebbe says in this particular case, and again, very important to note, this is a letter that is to a specific person. But in this particular case, the Rebbe says that the issue in their marriage is not that they grew apart over time, it's that they stopped keeping Taris Mishpacha properly, and had they kept Taris Mishpacha properly, they would have had peace in their home in this particular case. "Yitaken," they should fix

02:02 Speaker 1 it. "Viye bitshuva al chatav," they should do teshuvah for their sins. "And pon Hashem and loift mitnin," you can't run away from Hashem. I think that's what that means. "Kim davka and hagam viduyakus bechai nesum shehem vechanaleva vekalavan." The Rebbe says they have to make sure from now on that they live properly as married people, and this is easy to understand, that this can repair the problems. The Rebbe says not all is lost. Um, it's not hopeless. They have a Shalom Bayis problem, and they have been weak in Taris Mishpacha, and if they do teshuvah for having been weak in Taris Mishpacha and then strengthen their dedication to family purity, their marriage will improve. And he says he's gonna mention their name, "Ba'etziyon." Now, I hadn't seen a lot of letters like this before. We talked before, and we have a whole shiur on how people having trouble with, um, people having trouble have-- with, uh, having children. Frequently, the Rebbe recommends Zehirus and Taris Mishpacha, but I hadn't seen a lot about it being an issue in Shalom Bayis. Truth is, it's in like a thousand letters. I brought you five of my favorites, but, uh, at least, I don't know, at least ten, fifteen letters where the Rebbe writes, somebody writes to the Rebbe about a problem with Shalom Bayis. He says, first of all, check Taris Mishpacha. Sort of like when something goes wrong in someone's life, the Rebbe says check mezuzahs. I think it's somewhat safe to say that if something's

03:06 Speaker 1 going wrong with peace in the home, the Rebbe's go-to advice is to check Taris Mishpacha, make sure that everybody knows the proper dinim and that they're being careful with them. Here's a similar letter from volume ten. The letter is Gimel Ayin Alef, and the Rebbe writes here, "Bracha v'Shalom" he's writing to a woman. And we have this weird typo that shows up on the screen, so I don't know what that is. It's from a date. "Remai nam mechtav," I'm responding to your letter from a certain date. "Vekesev es asher imhi, asher imhi," excuse me, "imhi. Leshushi alav," she's a mother to six kids. "Vi yesh riva veisa," they're always arguing in their home. "Vechehen lechavim tikufes ebriyas shel bnei bayis, ein ekames shetsarech li." Sometimes everybody's health isn't as it should be, so sometimes there's health problems, . Sometimes there's peace problems, there's Shalom Bayis issues. The Rebbe says, "V'miknim k'meilu." Now, this is a lot more general. Remember, in our last letter, I was very careful to tell you the Rebbe's writing to one individual. That individual's marriage problem is Taris Mishpacha. Who says this is a general rule? Well, here the Rebbe kind of says, "V'miknim k'meilu," in cases like this, where we have arguments in the home and health problems in the home, "tzarich lechol hareish lizor ha'dafikim mitzvot Taris Mishpacha." We have to first of all double our carefulness, double how careful we're being when it comes to mitzvot Taris Mishpacha. Specifically, niddah, yimei ha-taharah, mikveh keShairah, vekeyatz bezeh. "Vechehen," furthermore,

04:13 Speaker 1 the Rebbe says, "tzarich libdekes hamizuzos beveisam," they have to check the mezuzahs in their homes. "Sheykulam kashairis," they have to make sure that all the mezuzahs are kosher, so also check the mezuzahs. The Rebbe's focusing really on Taris Mishpacha. "Vehabal yibdek es tefilin shel lei," and the husband should check his tefilin. "Veha'ishah l'ases es aprusas tzedakah," he also wants the woman to give pruit as tzedakah. So he has other bits of advice. The normal, I don't wanna say segulas, but you know what I mean, the normal segulas of the Rebbe for fixing problems. But the big headline here that's different than usual is being careful about Taris Mishpacha, specifically niddah, yimei ha-taharah, and mikveh kShairah. "Kein tzarich levaryim mesheidach ve'achasno zeim ze lepagid ai, aidese beKaved and ben abasi serel." I believe at some-- One, one of-- In one of our previous classes, I believe we read this letter before. A lot of it sounds familiar to me as I'm reading it out loud. But in any event, uh, also you should check by the shaduch to make sure that nobody's honor was hurt in that shaduch. "Hainish mekene mishtadchu im acher, acheres, achika chaz behem." Maybe they were, uh, originally going to be married to one person, and then they backed out at the last minute, and someone still is holding a grudge. That's something to check out. In any case, the Rebbe says that they should fix their actions, and from now on, everything should be okay. So the point here, once again,

05:15 Speaker 1 our headline is that a lack of Shalom Bayis could be tied to a lack of zehirus, a lack of carefulness in Taris Mishpacha. Another letter like this over here. This is a letter in volume nine. The letter is Beis Taf Taf Kuf Lamed Ches. And the Rebbe says, "Shalom u'bracha." In response to the letter, uh, "Asher ein la Shalom Bayis," that there's no Shalom Bayis. "Mem hetalim she'zeh mesibas chamesah." Everybody always blames the mother-in-law. Says here that she's saying that it's because her mother-in-law, "Amikab bikurum itim tikufes beikam." The, uh, the mother-in-law, she's always visiting their house. The mother-in-law is over all the time. So this, uh, sh- they, they, they write that they think that their Shalom Bayis problems are because the mother-in-law won't stop visiting. The Rebbe disagrees. "Heine karov levadei." The Rebbe says, "I'm almost certain." That's because they're having problems with Taharat Hamishpacha, not because the mother-in-law is visiting too often. They're not being careful enough about the laws of family purity. There's all sorts of negative things that come from people not being careful about Taharat Hamishpacha. This is also included in it. So there are many ills, many societal ills that come from people not being careful about family purity, but one of the main ones is that it harms the Shalom Bayit. it says in why does the Torah say that a wife and her husband should separate from each other for a certain period of time every month? So that she will be more-- So that her

06:32 Speaker 1 husband will like her better, so that she'll like her husband better to improve their relationship. Obviously, we don't give, uh, we don't give reasons like that for mitzvot as the Gemara did, so we're allowed. The Gemara says that one of the reasons for the separation period is that they should like each other more, and if they're not separating properly, they're not gonna like each other all that much. The Rebbe is bringing an answer in nigleh for this. This is in addition to the issues that it-- how it impacts childbirth, how it impacts many other things . The Rebbe says, it is my hope I hope you'll be able to explain this properly, uh, the less that there is, um, the less that there's embarrassment. Th-that things work better, the less, the less shameful people are about explaining things. So the more open maybe that we are, the better we... Experience has shown, I think that the, uh, maybe this is a good translation. Experience has shown that the more open we are about things, the better they turn out, maybe. and has to be explained in a peaceful way, in a pleasant way. So that everybody ends up more satisfied, and the Rebbe gives them a berakhah. So that is a third letter about how Shalom Bayit issues may be improved by improvement in Taharat Hamishpacha. Now, I understand that the direction here has been sort of a, if you're having Shalom Bayit problems, double-check your Taharat Hamishpacha. But I'm also reading these letters in

07:44 Speaker 1 a second way that is shayaach to everybody, including those who have good Shalom Bayit and are good at Taharat Hamishpacha. It seems like the stronger you are in Taharat Hamishpacha, the stronger the Shalom Bayit. So if somebody wants to improve this aspect of their lives, I also think these letters are a direction, pointing, uh, pointing us in the direction of more zehirus in the halak-- in the halakhahs of Taharat Hamishpacha. Another letter, this is from, this is from, uh, volume twenty-four . The letter is . Here, the Rebbe writes to a woman, berakhah and Shalom. In response to your letter from, from, from where you write about certain relationships in your house that are not going well. Again, Shalom Bayit problems. The Rebbe says, . Look at that. Usually, usually this comes from, usually the inappropriate distance, usually distance that you don't want comes from closeness that was inappropriate in the first place. When coming close to somebody is not mutar, according to Torah, which is the Torah of life, that causes distance between people. People think that, uh, the Taharat Hamishpacha is getting in the way of their marriages. They cut some corners and they say, "We're not gonna be so careful about the halakhahs. We have to worry about our, our life together." And the Rebbe says, when people are close, when they should be far, they find that they are far when they should be close. The Rebbe is allowing, though, that this doesn't always come from people, uh, from people being,

09:01 Speaker 1 um, lazy or being uncaring about the halakha. Sometimes people just don't know the dinim very well. So the Rebbe says, a lot of times people suddenly have problems in their home and they don't know why, and the reason why is because they're missing some din in Taharat Hamishpacha. We could all use a review. Therefore it is their responsibility. It is her responsibility and her husband's responsibility to check with the Rav and make sure they're doing everything correctly in Taharat Hamishpacha. Maybe the reason why they're arguing so much is because they're making a mistake that they were unaware of in the laws of Taharat Hamishpacha, which means that when a husband and wife fight each other all of a sudden or suddenly there are problems in the home, one of the first things that a husband and wife should do is open those sefarim on Taharat Hamishpacha and see if maybe they've forgotten a din or maybe they didn't know about a din that they could fix, and this will fix it. They fix their ways. This is that they can fix their ways from now onward, and nothing can stand before will. And certainly, if they do teshuvah and they, and they change what they're doing and fix their Taharat Hamishpacha issues, they won't have family issues anymore either. The Rebbe once again says also to check with mezuzahs and, uh, also that she should be careful to, uh, separate coins from tzadaka before halakhot snehirot, sort of go-to segulas for problems, and he gives

10:03 Speaker 1 them a berakhah. I don't think I want this letter right now. Okay, so we saw something like, what? Four letters about how Taharat Hamishpacha is sometimes linked to Shalom Bayit problems. I think this should launch us into probably a larger discussion about the importance of Taharat Hamishpacha, um, Taharat Hamishpacha. No, about the importance of Shalom Bayit. That's the one I wanna focus on today. About the importance of Shalom Bayit in general, something I'd like to continue tomorrow, because actually in our volume, in volume , we have something like thirty letters on Shalom Bayit, and that's one of the main sources for the Rebbe's talks on Shalom Bayit. So I wanna do a two-parter on this. I think tomorrow we're gonna continue. Starting with that, I wanna talk about Shalom Bayit in general and how it's specifically a berakhah for parnasah, which I think is very important, especially this time of year, going into Rosh Hashanah. Uh, as we learned in the ma'amar that we learned at the aisle together, Seruli's ma'amar, that we learned in the, that we learned when we went to the aisle together. Um, one of the main reasons to focus on peace among people going into, going into the month of, uh, going into the month of, not the month, going into the time of Rosh Hashanah is because Rosh Hashanah is a time when we have, when we make the kli for our blessings for the entire year, and the kli for berakhahs for the entire year is peace between

11:07 Speaker 1 people. The Rebbe picks up on this theme and says that if you want to have a kli for parnasah, that kli for parnasah and berakhah is going to come through peace, and through peace specifically in your own home. This goes all the way back to Shulchan Arukh. This is thirty-two. Not exactly where you would expect to find it . You have to go looking in, uh, in to find this din, but you have to be very careful not to make your wife suffer. not to hurt her feelings with your words. since she cries easily, God is very quick to punish anybody who harms her. Therefore, a person needs to always be very careful with honoring his wife. because a berakhah only comes to a person's house because of his wife. Therefore, the Ḥakamim told the people in their generation, "You want the secret to becoming rich? Treat your wife well. If you treat your wife well, you're going to become very wealthy." There's a letter from the Rebbe that quotes this And also expands upon it and also has a fun introduction. This is, uh, I, I like the first paragraph. The first paragraph isn't really shas to our Indian, but in the first paragraph, the Rebbe complains about a Kohen who is very angry, even though Kohanim are normally angry people. So basically, they had a conversation before and, uh, . So I think that's the Rebbe reading it. The Rebbe says, "I was very surprised to read that you were angry at somebody,

12:34 Speaker 1 even though it's true that Kohanim, you're a Kohen, and it's true that Kohanim are kept on him. They're usually angry. The Rebbe says, "This isn't the first thing you have to do as a Kohen, you know." There are all sorts of responsibilities a Kohen has, and there's no reason why step one is I'm going to be angry like a Kohen is angry. You don't have to be angry. Then the Rebbe says, "I believe what he's saying here. I believe what the Rebbe is saying here is that if you're gonna direct your anger at anybody, maybe direct it at yourself. I think that's what this means. 'Cause he says that, uh, "Why would you save your anger for somebody else since a person is closer to themselves?" I think here that Rebbe is saying that it's not a-- That whoever he is angry at is not a person who's worth being angry at because that person does all sorts of good. In any event, that's not the part we're looking at. I just like that paragraph. Here's our part. I think that's . Maybe it's plenty even plenty. I think it's the word plenty even plenty. If you remember what I told you about a certain person, that Indian of Shalom Bayis impacts Parnassah, that there's a direct correlation between how much money you make and how peaceful your home is. It's a mission at the end of Anybody who's in our share of the , you're gonna love this line. If we have to make

13:53 Speaker 1 a Ishtadlus, according to Torah, it forces us to make a Ishtadlus, make a Kli. When it comes to natural means of Parnassah, Parnassah, Parnassah. Certainly, we need to make a strong Ishtadlus when it comes to things that the Torah tells us brings us Parnassah. The Rebbe says it would be excessive to have an Alichas on this, but I'm gonna do it anyway because I'm a man of excesses. I'm gonna tell you that what he means here is that we, uh, we're told in the Torah all over, all over the place that we need to make a Kli for Parnassah. We can't just sit at home and wait for money to fall into our laps. We need to try. There has to be Ishtadlus. That's true. However, if we have to do that, and that is the-- that is working with nature to use a natural way to gain money, then . All the more so, we need to be very careful to make a Kli in Ruchnius. What's making a Kli in Ruchnius for Parnassah look like? Well, we have a couple of examples from the past couple of Shiram. First of all, a really good Rosh Hashanah. Rosh Hashanah is the time when we get our, we get our Parnassah for the entire year. A good Rosh Hashanah is a Rosh Hashanah of Kabbalah and mainly a Rosh Hashanah of saying Tehillim. That's the main thing that gives a Kli for Parnassah on Rosh Hashanah. There's also, it's brought in many places in Siddis,

14:51 Speaker 1 that Mariv on Rosh Hashanah, Dafke. Mariv, Aris on Rosh Hashanah is a Kli for Parnassah. That's a, that's a, that's a Ishtadlus that's necessary if you wanna make money in the coming year. Another one, Shalom Bayis. And as we learned from our previous five letters, another one, Taharas Mishpacha, because careful-- being careful about Taharas Mishpacha. Make sure that there is a good Shalom Bayis. And a good Shalom Bayis, make sure you're gonna have Parnassah. These are all things that, uh, that are part of the Ishtadlus. So people who are really into the Ishtadlus for Parnassah should also add to their repertoire a Ishtadlus in Hilchas Taharas Mishpacha, a Ishtadlus in Shalom Bayis, and Ishtadlus on Rosh Hashanah in Zogyn, in Zogyn Tehillim. Um, you don't see that as much as you do with people making a Kli of Parnassah, but that is, that is, uh, that is a shame. Okay. It says, "Although a lot of people see these as minor things, people don't usually talk about, uh, the importance of, the importance of Shalom Bayis." I mean, that's not-- When we look at-- When, when you ask somebody who, you, I don't know, you find a big Hasid somewhere, right? Or you find a big Mashpia, a big Rav, uh, I think we notice when they have Shalom Bayis problems, that's for sure. That definitely is a note against them. But in a lot of cases, we don't count it in their-- We don't, we don't go looking to see just how good their

15:57 Speaker 1 Shalom Bayis is and rate them accordingly. The Rebbe says that's not correct. He says, "You really want an Even HaBechin, If you want a real Even HaBechin, how much of a Hasid someone is, look at what's going on in their home. This is the best way to figure out how Hasidish someone is, is how they treat other people, specifically those close to them. A peaceful home is a sign of a, is a sign of a big Hasid. You'll get this from any Hasid, the rest. So here we have a letter that explains that the Kli for Parnassah is Shalom Bayis, and that also Shalom Bayis is an Even HaBechin of how much a person is a Hasid in the first place, tying back into our idea that Shalom Bayis is a Kli for Parnassah, and that specifically Taharas Mishpacha is a way to ensure that we have Shalom Bayis. We're a little early today. I can give you some of part two, or we can talk. Do you guys wanna talk, or you wanna, you want a little more for today? I'm letting Sruly decide. Sruly is the guy, bye.

16:45 Speaker 2 Me? I'm, I'm, I'm the moderator.

16:47 Speaker 1 You decide.

16:48 Speaker 2 I think, I think we should talk a little bit and-

16:49 Speaker 1 Let's talk a little bit.

16:50 Speaker 2 S-sa-save a nice, nice healthy dose for tomorrow because I think this is a fantastic, fantastic topic. I think it's really, really good because I think that this is something that, um, in general, people as, you know, you go through the Hasid classes and it's almost like a one and done for most Baba Bat. I'm not talking about people that are very, very Machmir and continuously learning Halachas and being Machmir on things. It's like you learn these things and what I never learned it again. I learned it when I was a Hasid, and I never re-read it. The only time I ever went back to the Sefardim that I got as a Hasid was when I had a question about something and I needed some direction on. So I think, you know, this concept of refreshers, I know a lot of times they do like maybe for the women, some types of refreshers. But I think there's a very-- is a great need in the, in the, in the community to not only give a refresher on the Halachas, but to bring out points such as this, how it ties into Parnassah, how it ties into Shalom Bayis. Because sometimes a person finds themselves married seven, eight years, and all of a sudden they're having some sort of discord with their wife, or they're fighting about stupid little things, and, you know, they don't have that reminder to tie that back to something here. The Rebbe says so clearly is literally a recipe for a better

17:53 Speaker 2 Shalom Bayis. So I think this is a fantastic topic, and I think we shouldn't just leave this on the table, and this might be something that we could talk about as a, as a Hachlata for the new year, to do something about this for, for, for the community, to try to, you know, invigorate people in the Yonom of Taharas Mishpacha in this Signon, in this style of understanding the benefits, not just someone talking about it, but seeing how the Rebbe writes so clearly. You know, people look in Igress for answers for all sorts of things. It's right under your nose, the answer for it.