שלום בית (חלק 2): עצות לא שגרתיות

00:00 Speaker 1 This is Igris, and we are now continuing our Shalom Bayis series. We will have several letters, I believe four of them. No, three. Three letters from our year, Tuv Shin Lammed Gimel, but we're not gonna start with those. We're actually going to start with something that we began yesterday. So yesterday, we talked at length about how Taharat Hamishpacha is effect-- is a family purity, is effectively a Segula for, uh, for Shalom Bayis, for a good relationship at home. And the Rebbe talked in a lot of these letters about how people who are struggling with their relationships with their spouses should double down on Taharat Hamishpacha, review the laws, see if they've forgotten something, and a lot of times, that's the solution. In one letter, we even saw that the Rebbe says that this is usually the case, that usually when there's arguments in the home, this comes down to a lack of adherence to Taharat Hamishpacha, and that the first thing a couple should do when they start arguing is, and noticing that their arguments are regular, is to reopen those books and make sure they're not missing an area of Taharat Hamishpacha. I found this wild letter. This is one of the wildest letters I have ever seen. This is in volume four, the letter is Alef Kuf Mem Alef, where somebody writes to the Rebbe looking for a Tikkun because they were Nechel in Niddah. Now, how do I know that? I don't know. It doesn't say it in Igris. However, I have

01:03 Speaker 1 a couple hints to it. One of them is that the Rebbe's Tikkun that he gives them is the exact Tikkun given in Shulchan Aruch by the Rama for being Nechel in Niddah. Also, I looked up a couple other people who printed this letter in different books. They also said Mesammeh that these people were Nechel in Niddah or Safek Niddah. It sounds like later on that it was Safek Niddah. So I don't know what that means. Maybe it means there was something wrong with their Mikveh, that there was some sort of Chatzi Tzah that ended up being an issue. Don't know the story, but I do know that they wrote to the Rebbe looking for a Tikkun because they had had a problem with Taharat Hamishpacha where they actually made a big mistake, or at least a Safek of a mistake, which is implied lower down in the letter. In response to this, the Rebbe effectively tells them to work on their Shalom Bayis, which is just incredible because it shows that the s- that the system works in the other direction as well. We saw yesterday that if Shalom Bayis is suffering, a person needs to fix their Taharat Hamishpacha. Here, the Rebbe tells somebody that because their Taharat Hamishpacha is suffering, this must mean there's a problem with their Shalom Bayis. We'll read some of it inside together. The Rebbe writes, "Veman Amichtaveich Shemnei Kam Sispin Sisarach Veman Adata." It took a while for several reasons for me to respond. "Shememedia Al Mikra Shekara

01:59 Speaker 1 Im Zuga Setechia Umkakish Tikkun Badei Uvada." Something terrible happened to you and your wife, and you're asking for a Tikkun for both of you. In Alef, he tells them to set aside a certain amount of money. This is the basis of the Rama. It's in Shulchan Aruch. Um, Kuf Ayin He, I think. Uh, but now it's on a recording forever, so it's, it's now-- I'm now eternally wrong if I'm wrong. In any event, there's a Rama that says that if somebody is Nechel in Niddah, they, uh, they should, uh, fast forty fasts. The amount the Rebbe gives here is the amount of Tzedakah that he, uh, that he figures is the amount of forty fasts, and the Rebbe said even better if you can split it up into forty pieces. This isn't really the focus of our shiur today, but there is a really interesting Tikkun here where you can see the Rebbe breaking down the amount of Tzedakah you'd have to pay for fasts. And if you wanted to apply that to any of the Tanyas that are mentioned in Kabbalas HaSfarim, this would be a great macher for how to apply that directly. So the letter is available to you for that purpose. But anyways, this is what we're really here for. "Yishtadli Bishtadlus Hyes Egda El Bilud Nishal Shalom Bayis Bnehu Ven Zuga Setechia." You should try much, much harder. Try very, very hard as much as possible for Shalom Bayis between you and your wife. "Chat Nu Shi Zaru B'Zeve Tachtas

02:59 Speaker 1 Azahirus." That is, be exe-exceedingly careful about it. Now, remember, this is part of the Tikkun for them messing up a Niddah problem. So part of the Tikkun for them making a mistake with, uh, family purity is the Rebbe telling them to be extra careful to respect each other. "Veyadum Mamrezal Nashim Daaten Kala Vishi Demaas Mitzuya." He says, as is well known, as Mamre Chazal, we actually saw this yesterday. It's brought in the Altar of the Rebbe Shulchan Aruch by Hilchas Einav, that a, that women, they are Daaten Kala. They are, uh, Ishi Demaas Mitzuya. They cry more easily. "Velechem Teivishi Yehu Mivata Mitzidai." Therefore, whenever possible, he should be Mivata. He should give in from his side. "Mchafik Retzeinech B'frat Mivli D'alma." Specifically when it comes to Gashmius-dik matters, when it comes to things that have to do with Gashmius, not about Ruchnius, a husband should be Mivata basically all the time. And by the way, we're gonna see a couple letters where the Rebbe says this is a rule across the board. That when it comes to Kedushah, when it comes to Yinay Kedushah, things like Chinuch, things like Kashrus, things like Shabbos, things like Taharat Hamishpacha, the husband sometimes, if frequently, needs to put his foot down. But when it comes to Mivli D'alma, things about the world in general, husband should just give in. These things are not that important. The world is a very temporary place, and it's just not worth fighting over. "Im Bechal Eysi Fligu D'azal Ma'ales L'Shalom Bayis

04:03 Speaker 1 V'rachas Kama V'Kama B'Erev Shabbos Kodesh Anu Ato Kulanu B'Erev Shabbos Kodesh Lachem Chatzey Sipurav Ket Zevulun Seno V'yas Moshiach Einu." The Rebbe says, at all times, Chazal want us to be careful about Shalom Bayis, but especially on Erev Shabbos, and the Rebbe flips that a little and says, Erev Shabbos davka after Chatzey, which is the time we're in now, very close to Moshiach. As Moshiach gets closer, it becomes significantly more important for us to be careful about Shalom Bayis. The Rebbe also has a really interesting Tikkun here where he tells him, I never knew this. He says, "Certainly you know," I didn't know, "that Tikkunei Zohar is broken up into forty parts and that it's actually labeled by date from Erev Rosh Chodesh, from Erev Rosh, Rosh Chodesh Elul until Yom Kippur. So you can learn one piece of Tikkunei Zohar every day from Erev Rosh Chodesh Elul until Yom Kippur." We're a little late in the game to start, but in case you were interested for next year, Tikkunei Zohar can be broken up into forty parts. I didn't know. He also tells him to be careful about, uh, keeping the, the Shu- the Shloi Sheshurim chitahs. Um, and here he says, "Yesh Lashar Shalom Hes To Bies Ye'es Levinegel Es Sifa Beis Haine Vinegel L'Shalom Bayis." The Rebbe says, "I'd like to go back to the second point here that we talked about, Shalom Bayis." He's gonna say more about it. "Ki Yeduach Shegadol HaShalom V'cholatei R'kula D'archai D'archinem V'chol Nesi Vesher HaShalom."

05:07 Speaker 1 Peace is very, very important. The entire Torah, its ways are ways of pleasantness and all of its paths peace. "B'frat B'golis Aachren," specifically when it comes to this final exile, "K'mor Naazal In Yoma," as Chazal say in Yoma, that one of the reasons that we got into this mess in the first place, had a destruction of the second Beis Hamikdash was because of a lack of peace. "V'kol Kamish Mis Karnav Ket Zevulun," and the closer we come to the end of this exile, "Haris Afkos Mitatch Neged Hu V'yes Vinegeshel El Ineach Las Shalom Elam Klal." That is, the Yetzer Hara, for the opposite of Shalom Bayis, is stronger these days than ever before. People always talk about the rising divorce rate and the rising rates of people needing to go to therapy, especially husbands and wives, marriage therapy. Where was this, uh, a century ago? One answer is that we just weren't as open about things, but another answer is the one that the Rebbe is giving here, and I think it's a lot more believable, is that we're getting close to the end of this exile. This entire exile was predicated on a lack of Shalom between people. So now the Yetzer Hara is really kicking up in full form, trying to get husbands and wives to fight with each other to push off the final redemption. "Even Ish L'Ishah Didmata Shemedugmas Ish V'isha Tamana B'frat." Specifically, the Yetzer Hara tries to get in the way of a husband and wife because they are

06:07 Speaker 1 a dugma Of, uh, the Ish and Ish and the Malach, the, um, I guess, Zo and Malchus. Of Alufim Gam LaShechina, but of course, the camel is only loaded with what it can handle. Vevad Enes Mekches Al Zeh. Lamed Ben Assayan. Certainly, you've been given the strength to stand up to this test. And, uh, he tells him to look in Ehchaltzu. I believe we might have read part of this letter in the Ehchaltzu section. We were going through the reasons for the Ehchaltzu. Uh, I think that's it for he-- for now from this letter. Okay, so we just saw, we saw Tahras Mishpacha working in the opposite direction. The main takeaway I wanted from this letter is that when someone has this Nichshon Tahras Mishpacha, this, uh, is frequently a problem in Shalom Bayis. So he tells him to fix up his Shalom Bayis. Now we talked in this letter a little bit about the idea of Vitor, that husbands generally speaking should be giving in on Mili D'alma. That when it comes to religion, you can't always give in, but when it comes to things about the world, it's best to just kind of roll over. Vatemitzide Lahafik Retzin Afad Mili D'alma. That's the line here. I wanna talk a little bit more about Vitor in this amazing letter. These are just some really interesting letters today. This is from, uh, volume five, the letters Aleph, Reish and Zion. And here the Rebbe talks about Vitor, but he also frames it as the entire

07:09 Speaker 1 purpose of a person entering this world in the first place. And he explains to this particular husband that, uh, that if you have a strong Yetzer Hara in a certain area, that's because in a prior life you failed in that area. So somebody who's having trouble with Shalom Bayis had trouble with that in their last life, and that's why they have a strong Yetzer Hara for it now. We'll read that letter. Just, I'm telling you, just great letters today. Vayina Mechtave, in responding to your letter where you said that you would keep the Shiurim and give Tzedakah, Vam Negeh LeShalom Bayis, Harbe Chitziniyot Chutza Vam Penimy Es Hadayanim Nekid Bai. He says, "On the outside, everybody thinks my family life is going well, but inside it's not going so well. Behind closed doors, there's not Shalom. There's no peace." Far Kasavti Lehi Mechtavi Hakedem, the Rebbe says, "I already wrote you on this." Vebadi Yihu Ha'alemas Ve'esteh Nim Biyichud Al Ivin Shalom Bayis. Vedavka Bizden Chutzi Samas Viyese. The fact that there is Helim and Hester when it comes to Shalom Bayis, where it becomes difficult, that only shows how important effort in that area is. Ki Yiriva Yalemas Ve'esteh Nim Te'ach Muchach Asher Zehu Davka Mikira Berurim Shulei. When you find that there are a whole lot of challenges, Ha'alemas Ve'esteh Nim, when you find that there are challenges in a certain area, that is God telling you that that's the area where you're supposed to be doing your Ichur Berurim. The areas that

08:13 Speaker 1 you find most difficult are not the areas you should be ignoring. They're the areas that you were put in this world to be fixing. Everybody has a small part of the spiritual and physical world that they're supposed to be fixing by being alive in this world, and the signal for which part is mine is which part is most difficult, which part do I find most Ha'alemas Ve'esteh Nim. Which is really just a, a cruel trick kind of, 'cause you know, you meet somebody who doesn't like to daven very much, say, "Why don't you go learn Torah?" No. Fact is, if you don't like davening very much, that means you're here to daven. So this is, uh, but this is a fact. So somebody who has problems at home, that's something that they were sent down here to fix. Kamuban, because the Ari Z"L, as is understood from the works of the Ari Z"L, and, uh, brought in, uh, all sorts of areas in Hasidus, like Kuntres Ha'Avoda, the end of Pereck Vav. Asher Levad Yechidim, besides for a couple people, Harin Neshamos Didere Sin Eilehem Kvar Ba'olam. Besides for a few rare cases, most people alive today, that means the, I don't know, ninety percent of the people on this Zoom call right now, they, uh, they've been here before. They were already in the world before. Vayim Atah Begilgul. They are coming back for a reincarnation. Most of us are on a reincarnation. I believe in some Sefarim it says most of us are

09:09 Speaker 1 on our third or fourth reincarnation. Vikr, Bi Asah Hu Letaken Es Mashiah Chasu Bikim Taryag Mitzvot Begilgul Makaymim. The reason why we came back is because we're supposed to fix the things that we messed up last time when it comes to re-- to fulfilling all six hundred and thirteen mitzvahs. It's hard to do all six thirteen in one life. We are on our last round before Mashiach comes. Vechol Ze, Vechol Zaman, Vechol Ze, Vechol Ze, Vechol Ze Kamuban, Gam Heim Nichuyam, yeah. Vechol Ze Kamuban, Gam Heim Nichuyam Bikim Chol Taryag Mitzvot, Aveilu SheLechasu Begilgul Makaymem Echiluku Asher, Ve'eilu Hamitzvot SheLechasu Pam Hakedemas Har Yetzer Hara Eimen Agada Zeviyesu. Says, how can you know which ones you fulfilled the last time? Those are the areas in which you don't have much, much of a Yetzer Hara. The areas in which the Yetzer Hara doesn't push you very hard, those are things that you did a very good job on last time you were in this world. The areas in which the Yetzer Hara really challenges you, those are areas in which you did a bad job last time, and the Yetzer Hara doesn't want you to fulfill your mission this time. Kim Rak Deishi Shara Im De-Bechir HaChafshis. Kim Yinyanam Eiluch Kvar Hubru L'fam Hakedemas, you already fixed those previously. Mashain Kim Yinyanam SheChasu L'fam Hake-Me-Ake-Akedemeis. Hain Ish Lehu Hubra Chalkem Be'eilo Maza. Vechalkem Enevesh Hashayach Ninyanam Eilu. These are all the things we just explained outside. Hari Is Nagde SheYetzer Hara Him Chalf Teke. Therefore,

10:14 Speaker 1 the Yetzer Hara is very strong in those particular areas that you didn't fix in your prior life. Ein La'adach Havdavam Mevor. I don't have to explain something that is well understood. So now the Rebbe drives it home. Degei Lav La'asiyat Heil. Sh'zel El Eker. So practically then, practically what the Rebbe is saying is that if a person's having challe-challenges in Shalom Bayis, this was an area that their soul came into this world to fix, that their soul failed in last time it was in this world. So practically, says the Rebbe, what advice do I have for you to practically get around this problem? Arei Eida Pamah Er. I'm gonna once again point out to you. VeZares, and I'm going to, uh, going to, uh, encourage you. B'nin Ishtadlus B'Shalom Bayis ViYes. If you try very hard with Shalom Bayis. Afshin Idris L'zevitorim, am, uh, Vitorim, that zero's not supposed to be there. It's a typo. Even though this requires sometimes giving in. Mekemish Vitorim Enebinin On Torah and Mitzvahs, as long as those Vitorim are not in things of Torah and Mitzvahs. When it comes to giving in, the Rebbe's advice, we saw this in this letter back here, we're seeing it again over here, the Rebbe tells husbands, "You should be giving in on things except for Torah and Mitzvahs. On Torah and Mitzvahs, you can take a stand. On everything else, roll right over." Vitor is a Mida, a positive Mida. Kamesha Kasavti Lei, Meaz SheAmor Hazal, Isha DeMasa Mitzuya, as I wrote

11:17 Speaker 1 many other times, that women, they cry easily, and Shiar Dimasa DeNaalu, and the ti-- gate of tears is never locked, therefore when they do cry, the person who makes them cry frequently gets in big trouble. MaBracha Ladam Yishvil Ishte, and the Bracha a person gets is because of his wife. These, the Rebbe's giving him, uh, Kavonas that will help him give in more often, but the Rebbe's point here is that the main key to Shalom Bayis is Vitor, is giving in on most issues, those issues that do not strike to the heart of Torah and Mitzvahs and the Kedusha of the home, it makes the most sense to just give in. Now, uh, beautiful letter, but also somewhat overly simplistic advice. Chas Veshalom to say that about the Rebbe's letter. I'm sure to this person it was all the advice that was necessary, but for us, I don't think that's all the advice we need. Um, I don't think that we can just go home, be-be Mevakhteh, and that, uh, and that, uh, and that we'll all have perfect homes because of that alone. So the Rebbe does have other letters where he explains, gives a couple other tips. Uh, one that shows up a bunch of times in our year, in volume twenty-eight, that is Taf Shin Lamed Gimel, exactly fifty years ago. We have at least three letters on this topic, where the Rebbe talks about Vitor, but more than anything else, talks about visiting a Rav to sort out problems that happen

12:18 Speaker 1 in the home. Now, this was a bit of a surprise to me, but it probably shouldn't have been. I, I've grown up Um, I've grown up hearing from Rabbonim. I remember that the Shliach where I grew up told me that he was-- that most of the, most of his day was spent counseling husbands and wives. But at the same time, I cannot imagine, I cannot imagine whatever argument I have in my home bringing it to a Rav. But the Rebbe gives this advice a lot, so maybe it's something that we should be employing more often, going to, uh, Rabbonim, Chassidishe Rabbonim, local Rabbonim, to talk out our marriage problems. Okay. So, on that note, here's a couple letters to that effect. This letter is Yud Tuf Tuf Kuf Mem, and the Rebbe says that once again, Shalom is very important, specifically between a husband and a wife. Uh, «Gam b'inyanim ha'zeh sh'ulchan», uh, even when it comes to material things, Shalom matters. «Af she'ein shleimus be'lamazim u'me'aleh gam yiachaz im yachol lihiyot tiyus itov.» In all ways, all relationships could be better. «Toda zevrutzeinu ha'tov shekol echad ve'echad me'amaseh chelko be'zeh.» Even though all relationships could be better, it's your job to make your relationship as good as it can be. «Va'afilu b'im tzarich le'vat al ezim yamim.» Once again, there's that word, Viter. Even if you do have to give in on some things, «Lechazek Shalom», to strengthen peace, it's worthwhile. However, that's not the main point of this letter. The main point of

13:21 Speaker 1 this letter is that living in a proper way requires . You can't be fighting all the time. «An she'kablu ka'ana ba'agav shasam shekol echad ve'echad mehem san gamat em es haShem ve'aslihim.» Okay. «Ve'im yenasu ka'ana», if they're having trouble with this, «Ve'hiskabel zeh ba'agav shasam», and they're not really able to, uh, to, to, uh, to accept this idea that it's important to make sure that there's peace and that they feel peaceful, «Yatziu kol hatainis ve'hasfarad sh'elem bechol zman», I think. And I think that's a bechol zman. «The Rav mehuhara ve'aseh k'atsasrei.» So they should take all of their kindness, all of their complaints about each other, all of their explanations, and on every occasion that this happens, they should take this to a Rav mehuhara that is a posek, and they should do according to what he says. Basically, go into arbitration with a posek when you get into serious problems that you can't, uh, that you can't find your way out of through normal, healthy arguments. It's time to go to a Rav. The Rebbe says this in another letter in volume twenty, and this is letter Yud Tuf Tuf Kuf Mem Alef. That's the next letter. Once again, the Rebbe starts out by talking about the importance of peace between husband and wife, where Hashem says that he will erase his name in the water so as to make peace between a husband and a wife. «Lachein ashlem li shtabel li ametz.» Therefore, they have to try very, very hard, et cetera, «Sheyesh

14:24 Speaker 1 Hashem benem» to make sure there's peace between them. «Yestaber et haRav me'anash sheyichya, uh, sheyichi», I think. «Atvir yashelem.» No, I think that's, «Yestaber et haRav me-me'anash sheyechya atvir yashelem?» I don't know. I don't know what that, I don't know what the Shin Yud's doing there. What do you think, Surly? You're my, you're my- Sheyichya. You think Sheyichya? Sheyichya. Okay, fine. They should speak to a Rav me'anash. This time the Rebbe's being more specific. They should speak to an anash Rav, not just any old posek, posek, and bring their tvias, bring their claims to him. Once again, I guess I, I, I come from a, maybe, may-maybe it's my upbringing, maybe it's my own family. I can't imagine, uh, going to a Rav with these sorts of things. But, um, unless things were very, very serious, «Chas ve'Shalom.» But the Rebbe doesn't seem to be saying just when things get very serious. I think the Rebbe is saying that when there's, uh, when there's any disagreements that keep on coming up again and again, go to a Rav and have a Rav help you hash them out. Just really interesting. «Ve'ach nivlu es kol yetze halatam she'shlifu laterach u'bemaisim tevim.» He gives them a bracha that they'll be able to raise all of their children, «Laterach u'bemaisim tevim,» and tells them, «Ein l'chadeveim im ne'arat.» And if you really, really want to have peace in your home, you can have it. Nothing stands before the will for peace. One more letter on this topic about

15:29 Speaker 1 going to a Rav when you have Shalom Bayis problems. This is the next letter in the series, Yud Tuf Tuf Kuf Mem Beis, also from fifty years ago. «Main l'lechaveh.» Um, first of all, he says, «Tasiach le'da'at legamrei me'get chas ve'Shalom.» First of all, remove all thoughts of divorce from your mind, God forbid. Uh, that's to this specific individual. «Mikzeh lehakeil tenai hayim data, data el hashenisim.» When it comes to changing the conditions of your life right now or keeping them the way they are, «Kemini geva lamachim dirasim» or changing where you live, «Kenayim bekiytze bezeh,» in all similar instances, here is the following rules. «Tznikim shnem levara tameim lejnei rav misasa bigatz bezeh.» They should take their two ideas, their reasons why they want to, I guess one wanted to live in one place, one wanted to have one sort of job, the other one wanted a different thing. The Rebbe says to them, in all similar areas like this, where there's a recurring argument between a husband and wife, where there's a sticking point between them, you should go to a Rav, explain your reasons to the Rav, and have the Rav arbitrate for you. «Zman efan li sasag bezek efal darish.» You want somebody who has time to, uh, to, to invest in this. «Ve'tarf me'em afi tera.» He can help them make a compromise according to Torah. «Ve'gadol hashlam sheh b'rachah Hashem b'kol» and great is peace because it brings down a bracha from Hashem in all things. What I think

16:30 Speaker 1 we're getting from these three letters is the idea that obviously not every small tiff between a husband and wife needs to go to a Rav. But if there are consistent sticking points, in this case, this is somebody who's even thinking about a divorce, «Chas ve'Shalom,» so these seem to be very serious issues. But I think we could extend this to any recurring arguments, recurring sticking points, where the husband and wife have something that they each have an opinion on, and they never seem to be making process, they, progress, and they keep on hitting the same exact point, and it's causing a lack of Shalom in the house. This would be something to bring to a Rav and have the Rav arbitrate. I do not envy the Rav who has to do that arbitration, but the Rebbe's advice is to bring it to a Rav, and people should do it. Uh, it's all over the Rebbe's letters. There's three from our year and many from many other years. There's one more thing that I wanted to point out. With that, we're done for today. This is another thing that I found a little counterintuitive. I'm not showing you many letters from the Rebbe that I thought were very intuitive, um, because a lot of the Rebbe's advice for Shalom Bayis isn't much different than from what I think many of us assume makes Shalom Bayis. But a couple of these, the ones I'm bringing out today, are ones that I found surprising. First of all, the

17:22 Speaker 1 opposite «taros mishpacha» thing I found surprising. The level to which the Rebbe says Viter is important and the emphasis on Viter for everything except for «Yom HaKedusha» is something that I wanted to pull out. The idea of going to a Rav, as you can tell from the way that I'm teaching it, is obviously something that I hadn't really thought of before. And the, uh, final thing I wanna point out, the Rebbe talks in a couple places, not all of these are straight-up letters. That's why I'm bringing a weird text in front of you. This one was in Hiskashrus. This one is in, uh, uh, Midor DeRabbanu, Chelek Beis. The Rebbe tells couples frequently that they should learn Torah together. I don't know how many couples do that, that they have a Seder. I don't know how many husbands here have a Seder with their wives. Um, I don't. I, I have in the past, but at the moment, I don't have a consistent Seder with my wife, which is a little bit of shame given that I have a consistent Seder with literally everybody else on the planet. So maybe, maybe we should pencil her in somewhere. Anyway, this is from volume, uh, volume twenty-four. It's on Yiddish page, volume twenty-four, page ninety-eight. The Rebbe says, «Pashut shekedai lekbei ichin l'tamud Torah im zivgas ha'chaya.» It is pashut that you should be setting aside time to study Torah with your wife. «Binyan ha'timim afi al hilchas ha'mudeh Torah,» choose subjects that according to the Alter

18:23 Speaker 1 Rebbe's hilchas ha'mudeh Torah are things that are appropriate for women to learn. «Vele pelesh ela sei,» I'm shocked you would even ask whether you should be having a «chamuda» with your wife. That's part of marriage. «Vele pelesh ela sei,» I'm surprised you'd even ask me. This is a, a letter that was originally in English, so it's kind of hilarious that we're reading in Hebrew, but it was printed in Yiddish and that was just the easiest way to find it. that's a typo. They should have at least one . They should have at least one Seder together, husband and wife. We talked a couple of back about the, back, back about the importance of . The Rebbe says at least one of your should be with your wife, and it should be something and subjects that interest both of them. The Rebbe gives some ideas for what to learn with your wife or what wives should learn with their husbands. that is the weekly that is things that have to do with upcoming holidays this time of year, oh, then the Rebbe was coming close to Elul, so would also be appropriate things to learn. also the holidays of Tishrei, there's one more down here. I don't know what this book is, but it also records letters from the Rebbe and maybe some of them that haven't made it into I- Igris yet. The Rebbe's writing to the woman and says to her, "I am giving you advice that you should have a not that you

19:38 Speaker 1 should just learn occasionally, but there should be a regular time every week, I guess every month, ideally every week, probably. that you learn with your husband ideally of the week. That's the second time the Rebbe has recommended that for husbands and wives. or maybe some other area that is interesting for both of you. If you need it in English, there is now plenty of things printed in English that the two of you can learn together. Doing that will strengthen the relationships in the family. This will strengthen the relationships between the husband and wife, and also between the parents and their children. That is, if the husband and wife learn together, this will strengthen their relationship and also strengthen their relationships with their kids. This will also give much more satisfaction, personal satisfaction in, uh, in their relationship with each other. So we have here one more piece of, I think, somewhat unconventional advice, which is that you can increase Shalom Bayis and also increase the Shalom between parents and their children by the husband and wife taking some time to learn Torah together. Okay, that's it for today.

20:45 Speaker 2 Can I ask, uh, just comment two things and ask one thing? At the begin-- Yesterday, at the beginning of this year, you, um, s- you set the premise that this is somehow connected to and Rosh Hashanah. Um, h- did I miss that connection?

21:00 Speaker 1 Nope. I didn't restate it. Once again, very important for . I mean, what we're doing now is a . What we're doing now is doing and a big part of is and a big part of that is strengthening our relationships with our wives. The other thing that we mentioned yesterday is that, uh, is that the key for Rosh Hashanah is Shalom between people, and the main Shalom between people is Shalom Bayis, Shalom between a husband and a wife. So the entire key for for Rosh Hashanah, which is something that we touched on, uh, not just touched on, went into a little bit at length yesterday. I have it on the screen in front of you if you're looking at it, that, uh, your source for and of course, for all the of the new year comes from peace, specifically peace between a husband and wife. So yes, that's the, uh, theme of the day.

21:34 Speaker 2 And, and the Rebbe does mention that actually in, in the letter where the Rebbe talks about the tears of the that it brings up that, that the man's comes through the wife if, uh, you know, the man's comes through the wife and the woman is, is b- basically much closer to the . So gotta be careful with that because her ans- her, her are heard quicker.

21:53 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.

21:53 Speaker 2 The two comments I wanted to make is number, number one is about . You mentioned twice about the concept of putting your foot down, and I, I, I wanna just, you know, maybe suggest that even within the concept of when there is a situation in where a man has to, you know, where there's a where he shouldn't be let's say, right? It's not a it's a, it's a, it's a it's a type of situation, that there's a way to b-- put your foot down and there's a way to put your foot down, right? There's a way to say and blah, blah, blah, or there's a way to, to, to, to present the, uh, the, the, the, the need to follow the husband's day and path, that's not in a, uh, mean or, or, uh, or descending, descending, uh, condescending, condescending manner. That's just one . And the second thing is I wanna point out something the Rebbe wrote in the letter, which is very interesting, uh, the last letter, which was right? Rav-- A lot of times Rabbanim have to realize their own place when it comes to giving advice to couples and understand that if you're not a Rav who either has the time or has the experience or the knowledge or capability, don't mix into people's lives and pretend that you are now a psychologist and a psychotherapist and give advice when you're completely unqualified. And here the Rebbe basically says from the the Rav has to be a qualified Rav to deal

23:21 Speaker 2 with these concepts of Shalom Bayis. And I think sometimes Rabbanim do make this mistake. They think they're therapists. The smart ones are able to do certain levels of counseling and then know and have a Rolodex figured to-- Well, today, I don't know if anybody even knows what a Rolodex is, but have a Rolodex of, of therapists that they know fit hashkafically and whatever to that community's needs, and they can refer these, these, these, uh, this couple or these people to a qualified therapist. But I think it's very important for Rabbanim to recognize that they're not therapists, and the Rebbe pointed out very clearly that it has to be it even has a time to it. Thank you.