Choosing the Right High School

00:00 Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Zalman Schneer. Welcome to the Everything Chinuch Podcast, brought to you by the Menachem Education Foundation. Here, you'll find fabrangens, workshops, live interviews, and more, all to inspire you, the Chabad educator. We hope you enjoy today's episode.

00:20 Speaker 2 Good evening, everyone. Um, first of all, thank you so much for coming on. The mere fact that you as parents, mothers, took the time out of a busy evening to join us is an indication of your focus and your attention and your desire to enhance your child's chinuch. Now, we're all aware that the Rebbe Rashab said that you have to think about your child's chinuch a half hour a day. And I always have the question, if you have more than one child, and if you're mishpacha birch ha-yeladim, what are you doing spending the whole day thinking about your child's chinuch? And one of the answers that I got once from somebody when I asked that question was, everything you do, you think how it affects your child's chinuch. Every action you take during the course of the day. So definitely, the mere fact that you're taking the time to sit down and hear what we're going to share with you is an indication to your child, it's a message how important she is to you, that you want to know and you want to hear and you want to be knowledgeable. Many years ago, there was a production. I don't remember the name of the production, nor do I remember the details of the production, but I remember one fact. In the middle of the production, there was a song called Hanaleh, and a girl was packing her suitcase to go to school out of town. I don't remember the context. I remember-- And next

01:42 Speaker 2 to me in the, in the aisle was sitting some shlochas, and suddenly I heard sobbing. Some were crying, some had tears on their eyes, and some had these broad smiles on their faces. I couldn't figure out this contradiction. Why are some crying, and why are they smiling? To me, it was only a production that the girls worked for. What's the big deal? Afterwards, I asked some of them, because some of them had been my students, "Tell me, please, what was going on? Why are you so emotionally distraught?" And the one who was crying said, "Because you can have no idea how hard it is when you have to say goodbye to your child. And even though you know she's going to a good place, and even though you know this is a decision made to end consideration, it's just so hard." And it brought back all those memories, and that's why I was crying. And then I asked the child, um, the parent of the ch-- uh, that was smiling. I said, "Why were you smiling with that broad, victorious smile?" "Because I had so much naches that I was able to send my child to school where I know she'll get the best possible chinuch." So we see that this entire conversation on having a child go to school in another city or even what decision to reach about a child in your own town is so complex and so difficult. Um, during the course of this evening, you might get a question on

03:13 Speaker 2 a poll, and if you don't mind answering. And the first question I'd like you to answer is, is this the first time you're sending a child away? And I'm just curious to see, interesting to note, for how many of you is it the first child, and for how many of you is it not the first child? And once you've answered that question... Once you've answered that question, you'll know for yourself the answer. We will also know, we will see that there's a difference if you're sending this child the first time or you've sent oth-other children away. And actually, I just made a major error, because we don't say send a child away. We never send a child away. The child goes to a meset chinuch that is best for them. So let's take the word send away out of our vocabulary, because that has a negative connotation to me. We help the child go to a school that will do the best for the child. Now, even if it's not your first child that is going away, let me tell you that every child is so different. And it is, even if it's your sixth child or your seventh child or your eighth child, it's like your first child, because each one has a different narrative. Each one has a different story. Each one sings a different song. So every single time a child goes away or even in your own town to a different school, it is a time for much thought, much consideration.

04:54 Speaker 2 So what is the goal of this evening? I hope at the end of this evening, at the end of this one hour, you'll be more knowledgeable to know what the aspects you should consider. You'll be more informed as to what you should watch out for, what direction you should take, what you should do once your child does go to a different school. But I will tell you, there's one thing you will not know. You will not know where to send your child, because we don't know your children, and we're not going to be able to say, "All girls with red hair go in one place. All children with blue eyes go to another place," because each one is a world in itself. Tomorrow morning, you're going to receive a pamphlet, a little, um, online by email of different schools, I think there are very many high schools actually, that completed information about their school. You will study that. You'll review it. You'll consider it. And taking this into, uh, uh, consideration, everything we will share with you and information you're going to learn, it'll help you make the right decision. Of course, with the Rebbe's brachos and the yechid Hashemayim. Just today, I was reading some letters from the Rebbe about this question. And do you know? There's no one answer. To one person, the Rebbe writes that it's, um, how can it even enter the possibility of sending your child to a school that is not imbued with Hasidus? Obviously, it was a, a

06:19 Speaker 2 parent asking for a child that there were other schools in the community, but not a Chabad school. And the other parent that the, the Rebbe answered, "Ka chafetz," about a boy, "Ka chafetz li boy." He should go where he wants to go, where he feels he's gonna be most, most successful. So there's no one answer. There's no one template. But as educated consumers, he used to say, as an educated parent, we'd like to share with you what exactly should you keep in mind when making a decision. Let's keep in mind, first and foremost, what will help our child fulfill their potential as individual, as a Bas Yisrael, as a Bas Chabad. To help answer this question, we have three people joining us tonight. We have Mrs. Spalter, who is a parent, who I think eight ch-- eight of her children have gone out of town, who's a shlucha in Mequon, Wisconsin. We have Mrs. Gitty Bronstein, who is a social worker in Crown Heights and has dealt and continues to deal with many out-of-towners. We have Mrs. Majeski, who's a principal of a high school, Chabad High School in Arizona, as well previously, working in Crown Heights in Bnos Menachem. She knows the picture from many different, um, views. What we're going to try to do during this hour, share with you, to hear from you. At the conclusion, hopefully, we'll have some time for quest- for questions as well. And so we begin with the one who's ultimately going to make a decision together

07:51 Speaker 2 with the child, with the parent. Mrs. Rivky Spalter, please.

07:58 Speaker 3 I'd like to thank the Menachem Education Foundation and Morah Tachtel for inviting me this evening. Tonight, I come to you as a mother of children that have gone away to school for their chinuch. We have sent away our eight daughters. Um, for high school, they were in Bais Rivkah, and for elementary school, they started out here in our community, but eventually went to Postville, Iowa, and to Cheder Lubavitch. Our sons went to many different yeshivas. Um, sending children away from home is not a new thing. As a matter of fact, my father has shared with me that in the nineteen-forties, and maybe it was even in nineteen-forty, his older brother, uh, was sent away to New York. His family lived in Houston, Texas. His brother was only eleven or twelve years old, and his father took him to the train station and told the conductor, "Let him off in New York." There were no cell phones. There was no way to keep in touch, and off he went. As a matter of fact, the 5th Rebbe sent Boruchum to meet him at the train station. Another example of a family who has sent their children away is one that has inspired me greatly. This one was shared to me by my sister-in-law, Dini Rappaport, whose father, Rebbe Yankel Shwe, who grew up to be one of the Rabbonim of the Beis Din of Crown Heights. He was sent away as a young child in Russia. When he was a little boy, his father passed away,

09:34 Speaker 3 and his mother was left with three young boys. And what was her biggest worry? She wanted to raise Hasidisha Yiddishe boys. And she wondered, how could she do it without a father? How could she do it in such difficult times in Russia? And so what did she do? When she saw a Hasid, Reb Lazar Mishlovin, visiting from the city of Samarkand, she sent one of her children, her first, her son, Baruch Shalom, back with him. Reb Lazar was afraid to take him. It was a secret yeshiva, and it was dangerous. But, but Baba Bunia, alah-- alaha haShalom, she took him, and she pushed him on the train, and she sent him. A year later, she sent her next son, who grew up to be Reb Isaac. And a year after that, it was time to send her youngest son, Reb Yankel. And this little boy was eight years old, and he didn't want to go, and he was crying and crying, and she was trying to console him. And I picture what that must have been like for both of them. And she-- the only way she could comfort him was when she said to him, "Im yirtze Hashem, I'm going to save money, and as soon as I have enough money to buy a train ticket, I'm coming to visit you." Such was the relationship that she had with her children that when his-- when she told this to her son, he accepted it, he felt comforted, and then when he went away to

10:57 Speaker 3 s- to yeshiva in Samarkand, he would go every time there was a train that came from his city, he'd follow the schedule, and he would walk to wait for his mother. For nine months, he would walk by foot to the train station, and he would stand there and wait for the train to unload every passenger and to see if his mother would come off. And he never got discouraged. He just went again and again. And after nine long months, and she was on the train, he waited, and lo and behold, she actually came off the train. Baba Bunia, alaha haShalom, describes this to-- described this to Dini and said, "Coming off the train from the smaller city to the big city of Samarkand was overwhelming. It was noisy. There was lots of people going in many directions, and poor people, sick people." And she wondered for a moment, how was she going to find her son? But she heard in the midst of all this noise, a cry of a young boy yelling, "Mama, Mama." And she looked, and she found him not far away from her. She said, "How did you know I was coming today?" And he said, "You told me you're going to come, and so I came every day to wait for you." So we are following in the footsteps of these giants. When we send our children away from home, we are walking on the shoulders of these people that had tremendous mesirat nefesh, and it gives us strength for

12:27 Speaker 3 our mesirat nefesh. Parenting our children that live away from home in m- in many ways is no different. It's just that the location has changed. But the same values that we start from birth, these are the same things that we continue. The idea of showing our children that they are responsible, and they are part of their chinuch. Showing them that every challenge that they may have, and there are challenges. There's different challenges that come when you're away from home. Every challenge really is a secret opportunity, and every challenge brings its own opportunity for more brachos. It was always important for me to show our children how they have a part in their chinuch, and in their experience, it can be from the most minute details. For example, I remember one of my daughters called us that she was not feeling well one morning, and she thought she had a fever. She was very sick, and she was alone in the dorm, and she didn't know what to do. And so I said, "Well, maybe take some Tylenol." She said, "No, no, there's no more Tylenol." I said, "Well, try a heating pad." And of course, every idea that I came up with wasn't really... did not meet her level of expectation for success. So finally, I said what I should have said in the very beginning, and I said, "What's your idea? What would help you to-- What do you think would help you to feel better?" And she said, "Well, I was thinking I

13:57 Speaker 3 could call the dorm mother and see if there's tea." And I said, "Great idea." And sure enough, she did that, and she felt better. So having them be a part of it and showing them that they are strong, really, and empowering them, to me was a big part of the, of the success of the experience. And having them understand that in every situation, it really is a po-- there's a lot of positive aspects for it, and for them to be able to look for the positive, and to stay interested and to stay involved in their lives no matter where they are, to just be current and in touch with them. In my own personal approach as a mother, there were three main areas that really helped me stay grounded and support our children. Number one was the spiritual aspect, and that was staying connected to my own personal Mashmiach and the people that really, I really trusted for parenting advice, and people I could lean on for guidance and support. So that, that I felt helped me over the years, and including with that is to say my Chitas every day, and as hard as it is, and to continue my own learning really kept me centered and grounded. The second thing is partnering with my husband. Sending the children away was really a joint effort, and my husband is the one who spent hours and hours studying with them for their different tests, um, doing homework with them, and not to mention hours and

15:35 Speaker 3 hours of driving back and forth to Chicago and to Iowa, um, to visit the children, bring the children back and forth, and anything else that was needed at that time. And the third thing that was really important is building a strong relationship with the school. I personally benefited very much from living with Mora Tachdel. Actually, I was an out-of-towner as, as a child in high school. My parents moved away from Crown Heights when I was in ninth grade, and I started living at, at Mora Tachdel's house. And then years later, when my children lived at Mora Tachdel's house, and later when the dorms opened, they lived in the dorm. It was really very strengthening for me to have a person that I could, uh, bounce things off with, who could give me more insights. And I felt, and I saw that this kind of support wasn't only for me. I could see how busy she was with many, many parents all hours of the day and night, giving them similar, uh, advice and, and answering their needs and, and, and, and being there for them. Also, I really benefited from the, from the continuous communication that I had with, with principals and teachers at Bais Rivkah. Um, Mora Naiman, Allah Hashem, she reached out to me. Mora Sarah Goldman, Mrs. Brook, there were many, many teachers and more that were in touch with us. The shluchais, all these things really were very, very helpful for me as a parent to be involved and to be

16:58 Speaker 3 able to support my daughters. And so my advice to you, my fellow mothers, is, number one, be patient with yourself and your child. It's a journey. Like any journey, there's ups and downs, but it's a beautiful journey, and enjoy the process. Find the joy in parenting, and fi-- Go in and earth that simcha because it's really a very special time. Whether your child is at home or whether your child is away, we always need to stay focused on, on the joy. Trust in the Rebbe's guidance and maintain Emunah ubitachon. That is tremendously helpful. We do our best, and the Aibisher does the rest. We just have to do the best we can. And it's incredible when we see the Aibisher give back to us. And celebrate your successes, keep learning. Thank you.

17:52 Speaker 2 Thank you so much, Rivky. Every word you said was so meaningful. I know that many of you have had children in online school, and others have gone to a local school, possibly Hebrew Academy or Bais Yaakov. And if you don't mind posting that question, um, Bela, so we can know, uh, basically where, where most of the parents are coming from, what, what has been their vantage point, where their children have attended. But Baruch Hashem-- If you can pop that question. Thank you. Baruch Hashem, we did not have to send our children away when they're in first or second grade. Baruch Hashem, you were able to watch your child take her first steps into school, watch your ch- your child as she grew, and mo- most likely, most of you are talking about seventh or eighth graders who are considering making a change now. And making a change does not necessarily mean sending out of town. If you live in a community that has Chabad schools and maybe more than one Chabad school, maybe the one of them might be the most appropriate for your child. Maybe a smaller school, maybe a school with a different dynamic. The point is to find the one that works best for your child. And then the question is asked: If my child is going at the age of fourteen or fifteen, at what age should we start thinking about it? What age should we start preparing them? And if you don't mind answering that question in the pop-up question

19:23 Speaker 2 as well, um, if you can put it on, Bela. At what age should most parents feel they have to start preparing their child? Can you put on the next question, please? At what age should most parents feel they should start preparing their child to go away? Not at what age are they leaving, but what age should you start preparing? Questions of this sort, and to understand how we can try to... our utmost to ensure that our child is in a place that she can have true emotional wellness, where she can reach her potential in a healthy way. I feel the person who could most answer that kind of question, when to start preparing a child, how to try to give the child a sense of emotional wellness, 'cause we know one can't progress if one is in a state of s-- of, of just uncomfortable with oneself. We asked Mrs. Gitty Bronstein. Um, Gitty Bronstein has had many years of experience with students from out of town in Crown Heights. Not just in Crown Heights, but also in other areas as well. So I really want to ask you, Mrs. Bronstein, what ti-- at what age-- Let's see. Most people answered at seventh and eighth grade, sixty percent. What is your feeling? At what age should parents start thinking, "Oh, my child must probably will have to go out of town. Let's see what I can do to prepare them"?

20:59 Speaker 4 Okay. So first of all, good evening, everybody. Thank you, Motel, and MEF for giving me the opportunity to speak to all the parents tonight. So that's an excellent question. And I would say, first and foremost, you have to know your child. Meaning, if you ask yourself: Is my child ready to go out of town? Not-- If your child is not socially or emotionally ready to leave home, then you really need to speak to your mashpia. Am I doing the right thing by sending my child out of town, even though he or she is reaching mesivta age or high school age? Know your child. If there's an opportunity to keep your child home, if they are not emotionally ready to leave home, then that's something that really needs to be addressed and questioned and carefully thought out with a mashpia, a mental health professional. Um, that would be in terms of what age. Having said that, I would probably say that in seventh or eighth grade, it's time to start preparing your child to leave home. How does one prepare their child to leave home? First of all, I would try and prepare them to be independent. Send them to summer camp, send them to Kinus camp, send them to winter camp. Navigate flying with them. This is something that parents don't even think about, but I remember once helping a girl. Uh, uh, let me just give a little disclaimer that any time I reference a, a girl that I helped, obviously I change any

22:26 Speaker 4 identifying, um, information or factors. Having said that, I remember once helping a girl who was having a lot of issues transitioning to ninth grade. What was her biggest fear in September? Not the school, not the socially, the flying back and home for Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, flying back for Sukkot. She never flew alone. She didn't know how to navigate the airport. She was terrified. That's something that could easily be avoided. When the child is in seventh and eighth grade, fly with them. S- Get them used to flying themselves. Let them learn how to navigate the airport, which is very overwhelming for a young fifteen, fourteen-year-old girls. It can be very overwhelming. Teach them how to navigate on their own. Let them fly once they're comfortable doing it with you on their own, so that when they come to high school, that is not an additional stress. That's an, a stress that you already dealt with and they're already comfortable with. I would say-

23:22 Speaker 2 Go ahead. I'm sorry.

23:24 Speaker 4 I would say prepare your child socially and emotionally to the best of your ability before you send them out of town. What does that mean? If a child is displaying any mental health issues, whether it's OCD, anxiety, depression, social anxiety, in seventh and eighth grade, deal with it then. Do not assume that just because you're sending them out of town, whether it's to New York or, or another out-of-town school, that they will suddenly be okay. They will not. The issue will probably just become exasperated. So if a child needs help, and most parents know already in seventh or eighth grade if their child is struggling, get them the help then. Um, I, I, I would also say I've had called-- many calls from parents who are, you know, when their child's in eighth grade, that they would like to send their child away, but they know their child struggles with whatever. It's usually social issues or social anxiety. So in seventh grade, eighth grade, they're already getting them the help, whether it's with a local therapist or a therapist online, if they want somebody over Zoom. They're already getting that, them the help when they're in eighth grade, so that the-- when they come to ninth grade, they already have tools in their toolbox. They know what to do. They have a relationship with a therapist. They have who to turn to, and they, they come prepared. One story that always comes to mind is I have a close friend who sends their children to

24:55 Speaker 4 an out of town-- They live out of town on Shluchas, Camp Shluchas. They send their children to a local day school, which is mixed. And when their children turn Bar and Bat Mitzvah, they pull them out of the local, uh, day school. They put them on online school. But this parent was telling me how they send their child to every single girl and boys bar and bat mitzvah out of town, out of the country. It's a huge expense. It's a huge tircha. But these parents have the foresight, and they said that when their children go off to high school, to mesivta, they have a strong network of friends. They, they know people, they're close to them, not just from the computer, but they actually spend time with them, because every month they're flying someplace else for another girl's bat mitzvah, another boy's bar mitzvah. And I thought these parents, look how wise they are. They have the foresight at a young age when their child is still at home, seventh, eighth grade, preparing them so that when they will send them out of town, they are at least socially, which is one of the largest, one of the biggest struggles that I personally see. They're preparing them that they already have a strong network.

26:05 Speaker 5 Thank you very much. I think that what you're saying basically is that you have to have foresight. You can't just tell your child or discuss with your child in May of eighth grade, "Okay, you're going to school X out of town." It has to be prepared in every possible way, as you put it, socially, um, emotionally, and later on, we'll hear from Mrs. Majeski about academically. Um, if you can just to see again what we're dealing with. If how many of the, your children have gone away from home, whether it was to camp or whether it was to winter camp or a Kinus camp. Do you mind posting that question, please? Okay, let's see what the percentages are. I don't see the numbers yet. Now I do, actually. I would say eighty percent, eighty-eight percent have gone to sleep away camp, two percent have gone to winter camps, gone to Kinus camp, none of the above, eight percent. I think the fact that eighty-eight percent of the children have gone to overnight camp talks for itself how important that is. I would just add from my experience, and I'm wearing many different hats tonight. Principal for over many, many years, and hundreds and hundreds of students were out of town, who I love dearly. I'm a mother of boys who have gone out of -- I'm a grandmother and an aunt of children who have home, and even those who live in the dorm, their second home is our home. So I hear a lot

27:31 Speaker 5 every Friday night. I do hear a lot, and I hear that some people say, "Oh, in camp, I was such good friends. I was such good friends with certain people, and when I came here, they acted as if they didn't know me." And it's such a hurt, and they feel betrayed. And I realized one of the answers is there have to, has to be a continuing relationship. You go to camp, you meet the girls, you're friendly, and then whether you communicate by whatever way, by old-fashioned phone or by other means that exist today, you keep on the connection, 'cause otherwise the camp becomes an isolated situation, and then you come here, and they sort of give me the, you know, the shoulder, and, oh, they have their own friends. But if you keep this connection, it really makes a difference. I can tell you ninth graders, and in our school there were, I would say, a very large portion of ninth grade. Today, it's about forty-five girls, but it used to be like thirty, forty girls were out of towners. Those that did keep a connection with the girls they met in the summer, it made a major difference. I also want to-- so we walk you through the process. They go to local school, the parent sees them grow, they find... they help them prepare for the situation, and finally, they apply to schools. Let me ask you, Mrs. Bronstein, from your point of view, during the application process, to what degree should a

28:51 Speaker 5 parent inform the school about a student's strengths and challenges?

28:55 Speaker 4 Good question. So before we even get to the school and what to share with the school-

29:01 Speaker 5 Mm-hmm

29:01 Speaker 4 ... I would say first and foremost, pick a school that is right for your child. And I see that mistake so often, which is so painful. What does that mean? That means that if a chi-- if you know that your child struggles socially, and your child is used to a out of town school, three girls in their class, five girls in the class, and you don't-- you know that she has social issues, maybe the best place for her is not a class where there are two hundred girls in a grade. Maybe a smaller school, which where, where she will feel less overwhelmed and more socially acclimate, you know, in a healthier way, is better. So know-- pick the school that fits for your child. That's number one. Number two is if your child is struggling with Yiddishkeit at a young age, then put them in a school again that is appropriate for them. I remember once, and of course, again, I say change any identifying factors. I was working with a girl, girl who was in a school which was not the right school for her. Every day, she lived on the edge of when she's going to be kicked out. It was terrible. She didn't feel good about herself. Her parents wanted her in this school. It wasn't the right school for her. There are schools in, in, in, in this community who cater to all different types of girls. So know the school, know your child, and try and find a good balance

30:22 Speaker 4 there. Um, with regard to the application process, I feel very strongly, strongly that it is important and vital to be transparent, transparent with the school if your child is struggling, whether it's academically or emotionally. The schools here are open. They hear. They will work with parents. I see this all the time. Parents question, should they be honest that their child is on medication? Yes, you should be honest your child is on medication. Should I be honest that my child is seeing a therapist? Yes, you should. They are not going to not take a child because she's on medication or because she's seeing a therapist, as long as she is emotionally stable So by ho-- withholding this information, which inevitably it always comes out, number one is you're doing a disadvantage to your child because you're not allowing the school to best prepare to help your child. What does that mean? If you're sending your child to a dorm and your child is struggling, that dorm mother should know what the struggles are so that in advance they can make sure, A, um, I've seen where a girl must go to sleep at a certain time. She absolutely has to go to sleep by ten, nine PM, ten PM because she has anxiety if she doesn't get enough sleep. If you share that information with the school before sending her to the dorm, they will be sensitive and put her in a room with one other girl and not six other girls. Um, if your child

31:51 Speaker 4 is struggling academically, there are P3 programs. There is, um, Title I. There are all different government programs where you can get your child the help now. So the more transparent you are with the school, the more likely your child will be set up for success. Um-

32:10 Speaker 5 Of course. Go ahead.

32:11 Speaker 4 One, one last thing that I would add is that many times I've worked with girls who are, before they come to school, that the parents will reach out, you know, usually it's like the summer of the end of eighth grade, before they come to ninth grade, and they have a concern, and they want their child to be set up with a therapist. So we have, you know, one or two or three sessions. So their child comes to school and is already-- we have a relationship. The child already knows that there's somebody to turn to the first week when she's having an issue. If she's having an issue, there's already... The-there's-- parents are setting up their child with the best support team as possible. So that's another, um, avenue to consider. Um, yeah. So that's what I would say. Be honest and open about your child with the school, and ultimately you'll be helping set up your child for success.

33:04 Speaker 5 I would just add from the school's point of view that, you know, forewarned, you're prepared. If you know what to expect, you can work with the child. I saw a letter that Rabbi Gershon Eftin brings down in his book, that is the Chaf Bat Chinuch, that Rabbi Matasav wanted to bring girls from Morocco to Bais Rivka. Sounded great, girls from Morocco to Bais Rivka, and they didn't have a very good, um, educational structure in Morocco. And the Rebbe asked, one of the comments the Rebbe said was, among others, "Make sure the school knows what to expect when they get them, and make sure the school has the resources to deal with them." It's not a matter of throwing your child into like a laundromat and coming out all folded and neat and clean. It's a matter of seeing are there resources even available at that school for what your daughter needs. And I would ask you, Mrs. Bronstein, if a child comes, whatever values their parents have tried so hard to imbue them with, and they come to a different school, and they think everyone, "Oh, I'm not in my community anymore. We're the only one of the few Shomer Shabbos families, but everybody here is Chabad." And yet the parent wants the child to retain their own values, but their peer pressure might be surrounding the child and influence them as well. So what can a child do, or what can a parent help a child do to retain these values they were taught

34:19 Speaker 5 at home when they come to a new school?

34:22 Speaker 4 That's an excellent question, and I would answer to that is it doesn't start when the child is going away from home. It starts many years beforehand. If a parent has a close, positive relationship with their child, if a child knows that I can come and tell my parent anything, then the parent is doing okay. So if a child feels at a young age that they can come and tell the parent whether it's, "I stole money from the pushka," and I've seen this. These are all things that I've dealt with. "I shoplifted. I've been in touch with a boy." Whatever it is, if a child feels that they can come and be honest with their parents and that their parent is able to contain it, the parent could hear it and not react in a way that the pa-- the child feels like, "I can't come talk to my child, to my parent," then that parent is doing okay. So it's so vital that a child feels, "I can come and tell my mother anything. She will not react in a way that will turn me away from next time coming to speak to her." So even if it's something that's shocking to you as a parent, I would say remain calm, take it in, reassure your child, show your child you can contain, you can hold what they're telling you, and then later you can go cry, call your mashpia, speak to your husband. You'll deal with it. But show your child you can contain

35:43 Speaker 4 it. So what happens is when the child knows that they can share things with their parent, then when they come to high school, there will be peer pressure, and there will be challenges that make them question their values and think, "Well, I, I... You know, this looks interesting. This is against what my parents taught me, but this sounds good. This is what all my friends are doing." If a child is able to come to you and share that with you, then you're okay because you'll be able to help your child if you know what's going on in your child's life. Talk to your child beforehand. Encourage open communication. Encourage your child to have relationships with older girls, whether it's a head counselor, a counselor from camp, a shluch who came out to work for you. I've seen many, many times. I could say from my own personal children, where, you know, those that develop a relationship with an older mashpia or a counselor in camp, that's a positive relationship, and they keep up that relationship, is life-changing. So again, talk about it beforehand, open communication. Be able to hold what your child tells you without overreacting, so that your child feels comfortable to come share with you whenever they're having a challenge or when they're having an issue with peer pressure.

37:03 Speaker 5 So actually, the question I was going to ask you, you answered. If a child needs support, what should a parent do? And you actually answered it earlier, that, uh, you can start the support much earlier before the child even comes to school. And set up a support system, whether it's with a mashpia or a therapist or whether academically. If you have all these things in place, that makes all the difference, and not start searching once the child is here. Now let me ask you from the other point of view. We read about some of the possible challenges, but how does the experience of being an out-of-town student help a child grow?

37:36 Speaker 4 So I would say that girls learn how to become independent. Girls learn how-- Girls and boys, they learn how to figure things out on their own. They learn how to handle situations without relying on their parents to solve their problems. They learn skills, how to live on their own, how to live in a dorm, how to deal with difficult people, how to live with sometimes difficult people. I've seen girls grow emotionally and, and, and, and learn to overcome their challenges when they're living. I also think that when they're in an environment where there are constant fabrangas, there's programs, there's magalim, there's mivtzim, there's always something positive happening. When a girl gets involved in that, it helps them grow spiritually and emotionally. It becomes their life. However, if a girl needs support, which many girls do, get them the support they need. I've had, had-- I have had high school girls message me in twelfth grade, thanking me for helping them in ninth grade when they first came to New York, deal with the social challenges that they had, and now they're at the point where they're leaving high school. I guess they're reflecting back, and they're recognizing how, you know, and just showing hakaras hatov for, um, the support that they got. One other point that I want to mention earlier when you asked what a-- Morah Tachtel, what a parent could do, you know, to help their child. I have a sister who sends her children out of town at a-- for high school.

39:05 Speaker 4 She lives, you know, on shluchas out of town. She flies in for every high school girl's production. And I couldn't believe it. I said, "She's, she's taking off work. She runs a preschool. She's a shlucha. She has little kids at home." She said-- And her attitude was, "I need to show my child that even her production is so important to me in life." And to me, that was such a great lesson. Your child's milestones are your milestones. Their, their proud moments become your proud moments. And if you can share with them and show them that I am here with you and believe in nephesh in every way, I have no doubt that you will see nachas.

39:44 Speaker 5 I am actually wanna add to that the other way around, too. Your milestones are their milestones, and your accomplishments are their accomplishments. Knowing from my own children and from my nieces and nephews, when a parent makes a dinner for Chabad and shares with their child of the dinner, this and this is happening, even bring them down for the dinner. We did get permission for that because that was so meaningful to the girls. Or what's happening or, you know, last Shabbos we had this person, remember him? Just involve them. And we were so excited that this family we tried to get to come finally came. It's just a feeling that I'm still part of this family unit, I'm still part of this shlichas. Um, I just wanna thank you very much, Mrs. Bronstein. Please don't leave because we're gonna do questions and answers, uh, later on. But I do want to turn to Ms. Pesky, who is the principal. And you know, a principal wears many-- A principal is an academic leader, a principal is a spiritual leader, a principal also gives you a tissue to wipe your, uh, tears when you have to, and a principal also laughs and smiles with you. And as having one who has so much experience in Crown Heights and out of Crown Heights, what would you say are some of the challenges a girl has coming to live in a dorm, whether it's socially or even in, uh, about taking care of her own personal needs? What are the

40:58 Speaker 5 challenges that she would face, and how could a parent help a child overcome these challenges?

41:03 Speaker 4 Thank you, Morah Tachtel. I wanna start by saying to all of you dear parents that I feel you. Not I feel you, I am you. Not only because I love every single one of my students so dearly, and I know what they're going through, because I have a lot of grandchildren that are soon gonna have to be going very, very far away to be able to go to school. So I really know what you're going through. And I really want to, um, thank Morah Tachtel and Menachem Foundation, and Mrs. Bronstein also, your words really resonated with me, so thank you. Um, I'm going to reiterate a few things. Some things that I say may be re-repetitious, um, with regards to what, um, Mrs. Bronstein said, but in terms of what I'm gonna say, I feel like I would like to say them, uh, anyways. If your child is in the-- on the online school or is growing up in a very, very small town and, um, doesn't have a lot of friends and doesn't socialize a lot, I cannot tell you enough how important it is to make sure that they have opportunities to socialize and to go to camps and to-- anything you could do to give them those opportunities, even to come to Crown Heights or to a community where there is, you know, no regular brick-and-mortar meistes where they could be together with friends, because it really helps prepare them for the challenge of dealing with, you know, the social scene when

42:19 Speaker 4 they come into a regular school and certainly into a dormitory. I always tell parents, the dormitory can take care of your child if she can essentially take care of herself. What does that mean? Most dormitories have two young twenty-year-olds taking care of twenty or even more young girls in a house and a dorm mother who shows up occasionally. What does it mean to be able to take care of yourself? It means that you're gonna eat properly, you're gonna sleep properly, you can handle yourself emotionally, you can deal with whatever stress is coming up, you can self-regulate. And the normal little ups and downs with their normal range that, you know, have a better day, have a worse day, have a little happier day, a little sad, a little more stressed. Within normal range, they can support you. But if it goes anywhere beyond that, they really can't. And this is where all this additional support that Mrs. Bronstein was speaking about comes in and is so, so, um, important. So to get to your actual question, some of the challenges. A dormitory is a wonderful place. If it's done well, it is a happy place. It is an exciting place. It's a chassidisha place. It's a healthy place. And let's say even everyone is treated with kindness

43:39 Speaker 6 Even in such an, an environment, it could be very overwhelming and it can be very challenging s-for any child, but certainly for a child who's coming from a small town, um, it can be very difficult. Um, there is no really no privacy. I need my space, especially if I'm an introvert, I need personal space. It's so noisy, it's so exciting. It's difficult. Just in terms of finding personal space for myself, it can be difficult. Having this awareness before you leave, I think is number one. Having this conversation with your child before she leaves is very, very important, and then discussing with the hanhala different ways that you can carve out that personal space for yourself and make this environment work for you is something very important. This is something that I learned over the years. For example, if a child-- if a, a girl is an introvert and she needs a lot of me space or me time, and she's... even if she's in a room with two people, the dorm is very exciting. There's a lot going on. Number one, request a room with less girls, like Mrs. Bronstein said. But in addition to that, we need to find a way to carve out space and time for ourselves. For example, take a walk by yourself. Maybe when you're going to school, walk by yourself. Find opportunities, um, figure out times when your room might be quiet and go into that room by yourself. I remember when I was in Bnot Menachem, I had

45:10 Speaker 6 such a student. I said to her, "Right when school ends, leave right away, people linger, and go into your room until you have a half an hour by yourself in your room." These are little tips that help a girl who needs a little personal space and time for herself, um, to make it work in a very hectic environment of a dorm. Um, also work out with the hanhala. Sometimes girls need to go home, especially in the beginning as they are adjusting. Work out with the hanhala that maybe they should have some more or additional opportunities to go home, especially if they're not too far, they're not living too far from home, to go home a little more often in the beginning as they adjust, so that they can get that support also from their parents, and of course, be in touch with them as... on a daily basis. Another challenge is studying. It's noisy, and I have homework, especially if you're in an, an academic environment, a school that's highly academic. I have to figure out how to study. It's noisy. Um, figuring out... Again, sitting with the staff and figuring out. Sometimes, um, I'll tell a girl, "Stay in school if you can't concentrate, and you can't figure out a way to, you know, how to study, where to study. Stay in school a little extra if it's walking distance and study, and then go home a little bit later." Um, finding a little space in, within the dorm where it's a little quieter.

46:33 Speaker 6 Speak to the dorm staff and let-- ask them to help you figure out how you can manage to study, um, even though it's hectic. Um, you also have to learn, a student also has to learn how to discipline herself, to make sure that she gets-- that she eats properly. Again, this dorm may prepare, um, and provide delicious, healthy meals, but very often a girl will decide to go on some crazy diet. I'm not talking about anorexia or something very serious. I'm talking about even with, again, within normal, you know, within the normal range of issues with girls. "Oh, all of a sudden, I don't want to eat this. I don't like that. I don't like this. I don't like that." What are you eating instead, Mamaleh? You know what I mean? Have a plan B. If you're not... If you don't like the f- the dinner, what are you gonna make for yourself? And make sure that, that, that is provided for her so that she can eat and be healthy. Um, very... And, you know, one of the things that I think most dorms struggle with is getting the girls to sleep on time. It's very important, and we all try to get them to sleep on time. But as teenagers will be, very often, they don't go to sleep on time, and they're very, very tired, especially if your daughter needs a lot of sleep. Again, request a room where there are less girls, and she needs to learn to discipline herself to

47:48 Speaker 6 no matter what excitement is going on. I've heard many times, "I'm so tired, but I don't want to leave the, the exciting, um, conversation or the exciting dancing that's going on or the exciting singing that's going on." They need to learn to discipline themselves and to take care of their needs, um, appropriately, each girl accord-- in accordance with what she needs. Um, and likewise, like we said-- like I said before, making sure that she figures out how she can manage academics. Uh, very often, there are many... Like most dormitories, in our dormitory, we have all kind of programs going on, from the school, from the dorm. There's always many, many exciting events going on almost nightly, very, very often. But sometimes a girl has to know, "I don't have to go to everything. I can't go to everything, either because I need my sleep or because I have to study." Sometimes studying has to take precedence, you know, over some of these exciting events. So girls have to learn how to, like, discipline themselves and to make wise choices with the help of their parents and the help of the dorm staff and the hanhala. I want to also... Oh, should I continue to say a few more points or-

48:58 Speaker 5 Yeah, sure. It's very important.

49:00 Speaker 6 I would like to also mention about emotional health and reiterate what Mrs. Bronstein said. Um, getting help if you need it before you go, go away to school is so, so important. And even just getting some tips on how to self-regulate. It's so true that very often a s- a child has some small issue or, or even a bigger issue, and they'll come into a dormitory situation with all of this going on, and they're triggered, and it gets much worse. So make-- having a good relationship with some therapist, if that would be necessary, or even just getting tips on how to self-regulate, how to calm herself, what she needs to do. Maybe she needs to take a run. Maybe she needs to just learn how to do some breathing, whatever it is. These are such important tips, um, as they're adjusting to all of this new situation that's around them. Um, another thing I wanted to mention, Martell mentioned it earlier at the beginning, is I did have the opportunity to run a dormitory in New York and a dormitory out of town, and there are quite a few differences between them. And I think it's important when you make a decision about where to send your daughter that you understand this. In New York, um, girls, even though the moisses are much larger than out of town, but I find dormitory life much less complicated in New York. And I'll tell you why. In New York, most girls have a bubby or a sister

50:29 Speaker 6 or somebody down the block. Out of town, nobody has a relative down the block. Even out of town-- or even the in-towners don't have a relative down the block. So everything is within the dorm. There's really not too many places to go, um, for support, for another change of scenery, for some quiet or whatever. In New York, I found a large percentage of the students lived pretty close to the school. They lived, um, an hour or two away. Not all, but a large percentage of them lived pretty close, and they were able to go home more often. M-most of them, uh, many of them, almost weekly. Out of town, most of the girls lived very far from the school. Again, an ocean away, an expensive ticket away from home. And again, the dormitory really, the require-- the requirements of the dormitory to the girls and the burden, so to speak, that the girls are carrying being in the dormitory is much more overwhelming. And lastly, but also very importantly, in New York, you step out of your house, and there's a hundred places to go and a hundred things to do. Take a walk. You can meet somebody. You can go to the pizza shop. You can go to seven-seven-seventy. You can hang out here, there. Out of town, you cannot go anywhere, most places, without a car. So everything is very self-contained in the dormitory. And, um, understanding this when you make a decision about where you're sending your daughter, understand that she's gonna

51:52 Speaker 6 be in that house most of the time, and she has to be able to manage it. Um, I think that's very, very important. It's very beautiful. It's very wonderful, but it does come with, um, challenges. Um, I have a few more things I wanted to say about this. Should I continue or Taphil? You wanna interrupt me with anything?

52:09 Speaker 7 Let me ask... And we'll see how much time we have.

52:12 Speaker 6 Okay.

52:12 Speaker 7 I just wanna say what you just said. In, um, in my involvement with the Manatan Foundation, in conjunction with them, I visited a number of high schools in the past year, and you, what you said reflects reality so clearly. There's such a difference if the school is in a community that has a large Chabad community or no Chaba-- almost no Chabad community. And it's a major, major difference in the way the school is run. It's a major difference, especially for out of towners in the dorm. So you have to know your child and know where she would more progress more and where she would be happier. But I would-- do wanna a-ask you from the academic point of view, Mrs. Majeski, what should a parent do to prepare their child academically? Maybe they're going to a day school, and maybe they don't know how to read Russian. Maybe they're in an online school and never learned math and sci-- well, math and whatever else, history or English or science. What do you think a parent should focus on in order to prepare the child academically? They should be able to join a regular ninth grade wherever they might be going.

53:10 Speaker 6 Okay. Um, so I wanna also again repeat what Mrs. Bernstein said before with regards to academics. Choose a school that matches to your daughter's abilities and needs. If your daughter is really not an academic, um, don't send her to a school that's highly academic. It's not gonna work, and she's not gonna be happy. I do a lot of... Many times I'll say, "Okay, I'll modify. I'll make it work for the girl. I'll make it easier for her." In the end of the day, if you don't feel you can do what everyone else is doing, you don't feel you belong, and then you're not, you're just not happy. Although we have many, many nice programs in all of our schools, Baruch Hashem, in the end of the day, school is a place of learning, and we spend a lot of time, most of our time doing it. And sitting in a classroom, even if the school will accommodate her, even if you say, "I don't care. Let her just... I just want her to be there. I want her to get the Avia," she's not gonna feel she belongs, and she's not gonna feel happy. Having said that, I would say in terms of preparing the girls, I think the online school is doing a great job, and I've seen them also working harder and, you know, and really improving over the years. The most important thing I would say is, in terms of Limudei Kodesh is the skills, the Chumash skills, um, which I see

54:19 Speaker 6 that they are coming in pretty strong, Baruch Hashem. Um, Chumash skills, Chumash and Rashi skills as much as you can. If you could introduce them a little bit, doesn't have to be a lot, but even a little bit to a little bit of Yiddish, because most of our schools do teach the That the online students sometimes struggle with is the fact that they do everything on a keyboard, and they never really write with a pen. Um, and in addition to that, all the Hebrew words that they type, so they're not writing with a pen, and Hebrew words are all transliterated, written in English. And you come into a normal school, and the teacher wants you to write with a pen and write a lot of notes and write a lot and write in Lashon Hakodesh. So that's another thing that I feel somehow I wish it could be incorporated, um, in the programs for students who are preparing to go, um, to high school. I wanted to add one more nekuda. Maybe you have something else you want to say, Martochal, before I...

56:49 Speaker 7 Do... Go ahead, add your nekuda.

56:51 Speaker 6 Yeah, I had one nekuda I wanted to say with regards to the social scene. Many girls-

56:58 Speaker 7 I was gonna say my next-- Glad you're answering before I ask.

57:01 Speaker 6 Oh, okay. Okay, thank you. I tried to, you know, think, um, what's, what's important to share if I could help somebody. So many, many girls, especially girls coming from small places, have this dream of coming to a regular school, and I'm gonna have a hundred friends, and I'm gonna have a best friend. And they come to that school, and they see girls seemingly who's so confident, and they all look like they have it figured out, and they all have their friends. And everyone has it figured out except one person, me. And I feel like it's so important to lower that expectation for girls to understand that most girls don't have that best, best friend, certainly not in the beginning. And usually, many girls the whole high school and in the ninth and the tenth grade. When the girls become a little more mature and more confident and a little more socially, um, you know, emotionally, um, how you say, you know, giving and, and, and, uh, kind, then-- and they stop looking over their shoulder so much, those friendships can solidify. In the beginning, we have to come and lower our expectation and be happy that everyone is nice to me. I remember a therapist once told me there's a difference between having a friend and being friendly. Everyone is friendly. I'm not lonely. Be happy and be satisfied with having company when I'm eating, company when I'm walking somewhere. I'm not lonely, and I don't have to feel like I'm in this group or

58:30 Speaker 6 that group, and I don't have to have a best friend because having that expectation, it's really unrealistic, and many girls are very disappointed when they first come to school. And also, a little secret to share with all the girls, that just as you-- as scared as you are of everyone else, they're just as scared of you. And even though it looks like everyone has, has it figured it out, they don't. And if you look closely, I think you will see that today we're best friends, and tomorrow we're not looking at each other and not talking to each other or even worse than that. And understanding this coming in, I think, will help a lot of girls, um, just, like, prepare them mentally, having a lower expectation in terms of that whole social piece, I think will just avoid a lot of unnecessary pain.

59:16 Speaker 7 Thank you so much. You really, really are right on target, and you described-

59:20 Speaker 6 Thank you.

59:21 Speaker 7 I have one last question, but a very important one. Regarding communication between parent and school, okay, the child went through the application process. She's finally accepted. She's settling in. What should be the parent's format for communication with the school from your experience? How often do you think a parent should call the school? Do you think a parent should call the school? Should a parent wait for the school to call them? What do you feel is the most optimal way of having a true communication between parent and...

59:51 Speaker 6 Okay, so really, this is very individual to a principal. I think it's important for a parent to find out from a principal, "How would you like me to communicate with you?" You know, "Do you prefer a phone call? Do you prefer an email?" I highly doubt that most principals prefer a voicemail, a voice message on WhatsApp, or even a long-winded text. I don't believe that that is the way to go. But again, I would in-- I would urge parents to reach out to, to the principal, or at the time of the interview, ask, "How would you like me to communicate with you?" Um, it's very, very nice for parents to be in touch on a regular basis, even monthly. But certainly, I would say the following. Call the principal or call whoever it may be or whoever it's relevant to, whatever the issue may be relevant to, whether it's a dorm mother or whoever. Call them when it's a small problem, and I don't wanna bother her, and I think it's nothing. Because that is when it's easy to handle the problem and do a good job. If you wait until it's such a big problem that, oh my, I have an emergency, it's much more difficult to get out of the situation and out of the problem. So call when you think it's probably nothing, and maybe it is nothing, but that little nothing, we-- I can take care of it. I know about it. I'm aware of it, and I'm gonna look out

1:01:01 Speaker 6 for her. Another thing I wanna say is, like, I, uh, I welcome and I, I urge parents to be in touch. And usually, I even say even furthermore, "Send your daughter. Have your daughter come and talk to me." Um, and I try my best. Most principals will try their best to solve every problem. And sometimes we can't solve every problem, or sometimes we can't say yes to whatever your request is. But even just knowing that you were heard and knowing that you were understood and knowing that I know about it, that itself is already a comfort. And maybe because of that, I can make up for it in other ways or whatever it is. So communicating is so important as often as you can. I would suggest once a month, but certainly as needed, but don't wait until the problem becomes such a big problem that your daughter's so upset, and she's crying, she's depressed. That's-- it's late. It's very late to bring a problem up.

1:01:51 Speaker 7 I think that, you know, everything every-- all of you have mentioned are so relevant and so important. And yes, we focus on some challenges, and we focus on ways that the challenges can be dealt with. I would like to add from my perspective, as I said, wearing all my different hats, that it's also a very great chutz both ways. It's a chutz for a school to have out-of-towners. I would say in the school that I worked in, most of the leadership of the school Were out of towners, whether it was achas heads or GO heads, because they were very focused and very wanting to do everything they can to get the most out of the learning experience. And it's also a zchus for the child. She knows she's going to a school, not because the food is better, not because the building is fancier, because she's going to a place that's going to teach her a life built on There's also a zchus for the parent, because a parent raising a child is putting in so much effort and wants the best for the child. And when you see your child not just survive, but thrive, it's the greatest neches. I also want to say that tomorrow when you get the information about all the schools, remember, the school completed the information. So in other words, it's a perspective of the school, the way the school sees itself. So it's very important that you really look into it and see which school is best for

1:03:05 Speaker 7 your child. Um, so I wanna take this opportunity, first and foremost, to thank the pr-the presenters. I know you're all such busy people, and when you said yes to me, I was so grateful. Mrs. Spalter, Mrs. Bronstein, Ms. Modjeski. I wanna thank MEF for arranging it. The whole purpose here is a very simple one, to help you, the parent, have the information in order to make the right decision. And I am confident a hundred percent that whatever decision you make, that's where the wants your child to be, and the Rebbe's brachos are gonna be overflowing. I just wanna, um, how do you get the list of schools? It's go... Somebody asked the question now. It's going to be emailed to everyone who registered for this webinar. I also wanna add one last thing so you can sleep calmly and peacefully tonight. When we went in for yechidus, my husband and I, and we wanted to go on shlichus someplace, and the Rebbe told us our shlichus is chinuch. And he told us we should our children to And then the Rebbe added, "And your students are all your children." Every single mechanich or mechaniches, every single principal, every single person involved in chinuch has this feeling of love, care, and concern for your child. This is where you're sending them, to the embrace of the leadership of the school, of the teachers of the school, as Mr. Spalter mentioned. So you're not sending her out to the wilderness. You're sending them to a place that's

1:04:29 Speaker 7 going to care for them, that's going to love them. However, it can only be happening not in a void, not in a vacuum, but working together with the parent. It's the parent, the school, the child, and most important of all, the and the Rebbe's brachos. Thank you very much for joining, and I hope it was helpful to you. Thank you.

1:04:50 Speaker 6 Thank you. Have a good night.

1:04:52 Speaker 7 Thank you so much again, Ms. Modjeski, Mrs. Bronstein, and Mr. Spalter.

1:04:55 Speaker 6 Thank you, Morah Tavel.

1:04:56 Speaker 8 Good night. Thank you.

1:04:57 Speaker 7 My pleasure.

1:04:58 Speaker 6 Good night. Thank you for listening. Wishing you much hatzlacha in your vital shlichus.