Sending Confident and Resilient Children to Camp with Rabbi Zalmy Kudan

00:00 Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Zalman Shneur. Welcome to the Everything Chinuch podcast, brought to you by The Menachem Education Foundation. Here, you'll find farbrengens, workshops, live interviews and more, all to inspire you, the Chabad educator. We hope you enjoy today's episode. This episode is part of the parent webinar series presented in partnership with Chabad schools and camps to strengthen Chabad Chinuch. In this episode, Rabbi Zelme Kudan shares insights on sending confident and resilient children to camp, offering practical tools and strategies for a meaningful and successful summer experience. Rabbi Kudan serves as a Shliach in Santa Barbara, California, and is the Educational Director of Lamplighters Jewish Academy in Oxnard, California. He is a board member of CKIDS Camp Gan Israel International and Sivhas HaShem International. He trains over two thousand camp staff professionals each year through his chinuchtools.com platform. We hope you enjoy and gain from today's episode. Welcome, Rabbi Zelme Kudan.

01:30 Speaker 2 Yeah, thank you very much. I, uh, echo the, uh, zechus. I think it's, uh, really, really... This has been a dream of mine to somehow bring together the parents of campers so that the parents and the staff and the kids can all be on the same page. So I'm very grateful to Rabbi Shneur and, uh, the Menachem Education Foundation, uh, for all the webinars, but this is, uh, this is one that I f-feel very passionate about. I do have the opportunity to train, like Rabbi Shneur said, about two thousand staff members every year from overnight and day camp staff, uh, through the Chinuch Tools platform, and we are very, very grateful, uh, to have this opportunity to share with you some of the things that staff know, but it would be so cool if our campers would know that before they get to camp. So let's jump right in. So what does a confident and resilient camper look like? Reason number one, they participate. They participate in camp. Campers who come to camp and participate have a great time. Baruch Hashem, our camps have been getting better and better and better, and the programming is unbelievable. And the campers that are able to show up ready to participate, what-whatever it is, they have a great time. Number two, they know how to deal with difficult other people. When you put seven hundred people or six hundred people or five hundred people into a, into a environment, an ecosystem, there's gonna be people that jive and

03:05 Speaker 2 click, and there's gonna be people that don't. Some people will love their counselor, and some people in that very same bunk are not going to get along with that counselor for whatever reason. We have different personalities. We've all experienced this in our own homes, in our own places of work, and, uh, it is a truth that we, uh, get along with certain people and we don't get along with certain people. So it's important when our kids go to camp that they're able to deal with difficult other people. And finally, we want our children to be safe, emotionally and physically. And what we're gonna try to do is offer two ideas for each of these three things, a total of six or maybe seven tips that allow, uh, that parents, we can share with our campers. Everybody knows their child the best. Hashem has gifted our children to each one of us. You know your children the best and which ones they would benefit from getting a little bit more of a deep dive into. So first of all, this is something that we teach all the counselors to share with their campers, that there's something called the Gan Izzy guarantee. Now, obviously, not every camp is called Gan Izzy, so it's also whatever camp you're going to, it is-- they have the same guarantee. And that guarantee is that if you do everything on camp schedule, even the things you don't like, you're gonna have a great time, guaranteed. And what we do is, with

04:33 Speaker 2 a lot of the camps, the counselor will ask on the third day of camp for everybody to-- they introduce this at the beginning of camp, and they ask the campers to raise their hand on Wednesday or Thursday, a couple days into camp, right before lights out, "Raise your hand if you have done everything so far on our schedule." And whoever puts up their hand, they ask them one by one, "Are you having a great time?" And every single camper answers yes because camp is a community family activity. And when we do things, when we participate, it's fun. I've done this many times, but I-- we could take a group of adults and play duck, duck, goose. We're gonna have fun. It's going to be fun because we're participating. And the one or two people that are watching from the side may not be having as much fun as we are playing it. And the fact is that the schedule is good. The things that we're doing are fun, and learning is good. And when you participate, you daven during davening time, you clean up during clean up time, camp is fun. And the way that camp is structured is that people and bunks that are participating have fun. They have a lot of good-- They have a good time. And if unfortunately, a camper is not ready to participate, that's when it starts getting into, you know, they have to, they have to sit back, they have to make up davening time, they have to

05:58 Speaker 2 make up this type of time, they have to clean up during activities, and that's when it becomes less fun. So one of the things that I would love every camper to know right now is that if you just do everything on the schedule, even the things you don't like, you're gonna have a good time. And you know what? We help each other. 'Cause let's say you like soccer, and the other campers don't like soccer so much. Well, if they play with you, you're gonna have a much better game, right? 'Cause everybody's playing. And then let's say you don't like arts and crafts so much, but the rest of your bunk does or some other kids in your bunk do, you participate with them, they're gonna be having a good time, and you're also gonna have fun because just like soccer's not so bad, arts and crafts isn't so bad. It's okay, especially if you're doing it with friends. And this is something that's just super helpful for a camper to come to camp knowing that I am going to try to participate in as many activities as much as humanly possible. One of the big obstacles to participation in camp is what the Velt calls homesick, and I call home missing. And the reason I don't like using the term homesick is because there's really nothing sick about missing your home. That's a very healthy feeling. So imagine... Well, let, let me do it like this. I'm gonna do the speech like I do for

07:24 Speaker 2 our campers. Baruch Hashem, I have the opportunity to run, uh, for the last twenty years, day camp. For, uh, last twelve years, an over-- two overnight camps, the boys and the girls overnight camp for children. And what we've seen is the following is very, very helpful for campers. You're feeling that you're missing your home. That's a healthy feeling. Some people call it homesick, but I don't. I don't believe that missing your mommy and daddy is sick. I believe that's very healthy. Imagine a camper who didn't miss their mommy and daddy. That doesn't sound very healthy. Imagine a, a camper who goes and could care less about their bedroom. They're so happy not to be in their bedroom. That doesn't sound healthy. It's very healthy to miss home. That's number one. Usually by then, the shoulders of the camper drop, and their body starts to relax because they realize there's nothing wrong with them, and there isn't anything wrong with them. Number two, crying is good. I always tell them, "Have you ever been to a chasuna? You ever went to the bedeken where the chasan covers the kallah's face? What are all the ladies doing behind the kallah? There's a bunch of ladies standing behind the kallah. What are they all doing? Crying. Are they happy or sad?" Crying is not a bad thing. Crying doesn't mean that you're, that you're hurt. Crying just means that you're overwhelmed with a very strong feeling, and this is a good feeling that you're overwhelmed with. A feeling

08:53 Speaker 2 that you miss your mommy, your tati and your, your siblings, and your, your bedroom and your home. A beautiful place. So you're crying. It's a good thing. The only problem is, is that sometimes if we're home miss all day, if we have this very strong, intense, good feeling all day long, it's gonna prevent us from doing some of the things we wanna do in camp. We wanna play sports. We wanna daven. We wanna learn. We wanna have fun. We just wanna chill. We wanna be able to eat a meal without crying. And if I'm always thinking about this beautiful, great feeling, it's gonna take away from some of camp. So we're gonna follow what the Alter Rebbe says in Tanya. That when you have a strong feeling, it's a good feeling. The example the Alter Rebbe was speaking about was marirus. If you feel bitter about an aveira you did, if you think about it all day long, you're never gonna do anything. It's gonna prevent you from doing mitzvahs. It's gonna prevent you from advancing in your avodas Hashem. You're always gonna be upset. So designate a special time to deal with that feeling, and then the rest of the time you can enjoy. Rabbi Zalmi strongly recommends breakfast as an amazing time to home miss. It's the beginning of the day. You eat something, and then you can go out, either if the counselor allows you to go outside for a couple of minutes, or if you have to do it in your

10:16 Speaker 2 seat by your breakfast table. You can put your head down. You can think about mommy, and then you can think about tati. You can think about your siblings. And if you cry, that's great. And if somebody in your bunk doesn't know yet that crying is a good thing and they wanna laugh at you, that's okay. When they get older, they'll learn that crying is a good thing. It means that you're overwhelmed by a strong feeling, and it's a very good way, very healthy way of expressing yourself. And this, I believe, is something that the, the campers that know, especially those of you that know that your campers have experienced home missing before, this is a very good thing to know before you come to camp, that you're gonna experience some very strong feelings. They're good feelings. It would be amazing if we could designate certain times. The morning is a great time for that because if you do it at, uh, you know, if, if you're gonna designate your home missing time for nighttime, you might lose out on sleep and tired campers have a very hard time enjoying camp. All right. Uh, I'll mention that not only do tired campers have a hard time enjoying camp, but dehydrated campers also do. I, uh, very, very passionate about drinking tons of water. You know, when you're, when you're, uh, when you're hydrated and you have enough water and someone steps on your toe, you say, "Ouch." They say, "I'm sorry." You say, "It's okay," and

11:33 Speaker 2 you move on. But if you're dehydrated and your body is in survival mode, someone steps on your foot, you could get very offended, and you might feel like you're being attacked because your body's already on the, on the defense. So it's important to be in a very, very hydrated state. You could tell your children that it's a little graphic, but if your urine is slightly yellow, you're already twenty-five percent dehydrated. So you wanna have a lot of water to make sure you have good, clear urine. That's a good way for them to know that they're drinking enough water. How do we make sure that our children are able to deal with difficult other people? So one of the things that we teach campers and children and students, do this in school as well, it's always okay to ask any staff member or any fellow camper any question that begins with the words "I'm wondering." So how does that play out? You see someone in your seat. So the eight-year-old might wanna say, "Get out of my seat!" A much more effective way is, "I'm wondering if I could have my seat back." You don't like an activity. The eight-year-old might wanna say, "This activity is stupid." A much more effective way of speaking to your counselor is, "I'm wondering if we could play something else. I'm wondering if we could play football instead of soccer." Your counselor tells you that you only have one minute left to go to bed, but you didn't finish brushing

13:12 Speaker 2 your teeth, and you wanna be healthy. So you look at the counselor straight in the eyes and you say, "I'm wondering if I could brush my teeth first." That's a very respectful way of asking. You're gonna go very far when you open up conversations with I'm wondering. I highly recommend that parents begin modeling this right now. When we ask our children to do things, we start overusing the I'm wondering. I'm wondering if we could please clean up our room. I'm wondering if, uh, if, if you... what you like best for supper, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And as the children hear it a lot, they start to imitate us, and they start to assimilate this into their way of speaking. The next three slides are gonna be the three parts of the friendship mindset, and each part on its own is very valuable. And when you put them all together, it's dynamite. And this is something that I just wanna be upfront. This is something that I believe takes time to learn. At the same time, I think that we have to start now. Let our children start now. And even if they don't get perfect at it this year or this, uh, in the next few weeks that we have before they go to camp, they'll be a lot better off than they were not starting this process. The idea of the friendship mindset is very simple. It's the idea of ve'ahavta l'reiacha kamocha. Um, the... Yes, I'm going to share this slideshow,

14:46 Speaker 2 and some of these resources are also on chinuchtools.com in a greater... If you go to digital resources, they're in a much more fleshed out way if you wanna get the full edition of some of these tools. Uh, so the friendship mindset is a way of realizing the mitzvah of ve'ahavta l'reiacha kamocha, to love your friend like yourself. In other words, treat everybody like a friend. And what we find is, is that the more you treat people like a friend, the more they treat you like a friend. Says that the way water reflects a face, that's the way people reflect each other. And it's not a magic wand. It doesn't mean that if you say one nice thing, the other person is immediately gonna start being nice. But over time, if you stick to it, if you keep treating these people like your friend, they will start to act friendly. It works. The first part is to make sure that you are indeed your own best friend. If you're not friendly with yourself, and you don't believe that you are worthy, and that you do good things, and that you're comfortable and confident and, and, and are a person of That is step one. Step two is a mental mindset, and that is that I treat people like a friend. If they're not nice to me, I'm even nicer to them. So if someone says, "You're..." You know? So that, that's the cl-- It's a mindset. I'm always looking at this person like a friend. So,

17:47 Speaker 2 uh, you know, I know a girl who went through high school, and there were some mean texts that were sent at a public WhatsApp group about her on her third or fourth day of school. It was a new school she'd just come to. So what she understood was, she's like, "How do I look at this as a friend?" She said, "This must be a bully test. They're testing me to see if I'm bullyable or not. How long can that take?" A couple days or so. So she decided for the next three days, she's just gonna chill. Do lunch by herself and just let it ride, and after three days, the test will be over, and they'll start being her friend. And meanwhile, she was nice to everybody. The principal even tried messing it up and tried getting them to apologize to each other, which in theory should have made it into a fight again. But in other words, right? Bring out the, bring... This, this girl said, "I, I don't, I don't have anything to, you know, I don't have any problems. If they wanna apologize, they can, but I'm okay." Keep being nice, keep being a friend. Uh, three days later, the whole thing was forgotten. They went on to the next drama. These girls are very, very close friends. They go to each other's houses. Everything's fine. Just look at everybody like a friend. They're just trying to help me. They're trying to do something nice to me. If my best friend would

19:00 Speaker 2 say my shirt is ugly, what would I say? I would say, "Thanks for letting me know." And that's really the third part. The third part is to respond like I would to my best friend. If my best friend said, "You, you, you stink at basketball," I know they use a different word nowadays. I might say, "You're right. I wish I was as good as you." Or, "That, that, that dress is not a Shabbos dress. Oh, man. Could you teach me how to dress nicely? You dress so classy. I wish I could dress like you." Just respond like a friend. Start complimenting them. At first, they might mock you. At first, they might try to make fun. At first, they might try to test your limits. But if you just keep doing it, people will see, hey, this person always acts like a friend. And people wanna be friendly with people who always act like a friend. It's human nature. You might hear a rumor about yourself. You can say, "Do you believe that?" And no matter what the person answers, yes or no, you can say, "Okay, well, you can believe what you want." It's not nice to make people believe things. It's not nice to call people mean. It's not nice to call people rude. It is nice to respond like a friend. "Hey, I'm still your friend. I still like you. I notice you're good even when you notice my bad. You wanna believe something about me? Okay. That's your right. You're allowed

20:19 Speaker 2 to do that." And as soon as you allow it to happen, it's no longer fun. It's no longer cool. What if a friend doesn't wanna play with me right now? Well, if they're my friend and they wanna play with someone else, cuz I'm good. I want you to play with whoever you wanna play with. And whenever you wanna play with me, I'm ready. And as soon as you allow that space and it's okay, suddenly your friendship mindset affects them. And what we find is that it really is true, Ɣimaen apanim apanim. That the more you dig into this, and the more you practice this, and the more you get good at this, of always looking at people... And we can practice right now, 'cause Baruch Hashem, most of us have siblings at home, and there's plenty of opportunities, at least in my house, to practice the friendship mindset and to practice focusing on the positive and, right, and Kamecha, to focus on our own, on our own selves. And in that way, we are able to, um, we are able to, uh, really dig in to these, um, to these, uh, friendship ways of looking at people. And if our children can go to camp wanting to do this, even just wanting to do this, wanting to be a friend, you're not gonna get it right every time. There's gonna be times you're tired. The, the counselors woke you up the night before for a cereal party in the middle of the night. I hope

21:44 Speaker 2 they don't do that anymore, but I think they might. And, uh, supper wasn't so good. You're a little hungry. You're not always gonna get it right. But if you want to get it right, if you wanna act like a friend, and you want to check in with yourself every night, you know, make sure you write down three things, you're gonna see a lot more success in these areas. Uh, by the way, uh, if anybody has any questions, you're more than welcome to ask them in the question and answer box, in the chat box, and Im Yirtze Hashem we'll get to them at the end. So, so far, just to go review a little bit, we spoke about participation in camp. We spoke about the Gan Izzy guarantee that having our children go to camp with the mindset that they are going to participate in everything, and that's what gives them a good time, that that's a guarantee to have a good time. Second of all, we spoke about home missing as being a good feeling, crying's okay, and to try to set a time like breakfast to home miss. Then we spoke about an opening, a conversat-- difficult conversation opener. Anytime you wanna say something to someone, you're not sure how to say it, start with, "I'm wondering." You have something you wanna tell your counselor, and you don't know how to say it, start with, "I'm wondering." There's something you wanna tell a camper, they're, they're, they're very loud or very rude, you can

23:02 Speaker 2 say, "I'm wondering if we could be a little quieter. I'm trying to fall asleep." Anytime you start with, "I'm wondering," you're gonna have a f-- uh, a, a, a good, a good c-- a good sentence. And then we learned about the friendship mindset. Number one, to check in with ourselves, to write three things that I did or said well every day. To look at everyone as a friend. Try, try to believe that everything they're doing is just to make you better, just to make y-- just for your benefit. And then to respond like a friend. Compliment them. Allow them to believe what they want. Allow them to take the space that they want. All right. Now we're gonna get into safety. One of the things that we teach in camp, and this is a industry standard, it's a mandatory standard of the American Camp Association, and it's, uh, definitely should be a rule in every mesib, is called the rule of three. That we always need three or more people in any space, any private space. And a private space could be a bunk house, it could be a arts and crafts room, it could be a baseball field that's not nearby, uh, anybody else. It could be, uh, a, a rowboat that is going out into the water away from people. Anytime there are three people, anytime there's a private space, we need to have at least three people there. Okay? The rule is a little bit more intricate. In other words, if we're

24:33 Speaker 2 dealing with changing or with, uh, or with a medical need that, that i-involves uncovering the child, then we would have to have two staff members specifically. So there is a more, uh, nuanced, uh, rules to this, uh, to, uh, policies to this rule. But what the children need to know is that they should never be alone with anybody. Not a counselor, not another camper. Try always to have at least three people there, and if not, walk outside. If you walk into a, a bunk and your counselor's there, the counselor should say, "Please give me a minute. Rule of three." That's what the counselor's supposed to say. But even if the counselor doesn't say it, walk outside. You know the rule of three. And this way, you'll always be able to be safe. There's always another person there. If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, if anything's wrong, you will always have a third person there to be able to make sure that you understood things correctly, and that if there's something that happened, they could tell someone, and this is very, very important. So I believe very strongly that every camper should go to camp knowing the rule of three. They have to understand the rule of three. They have to understand why there's a rule of three. The Chachamim were brilliant. They made a rule called Yichud. It's exactly the same rule. Of course, that applies to specifically men and women, but the same rule would apply to any two people really. But for sure,

25:55 Speaker 2 I would emphasize that a staff member and a camper should never be alone. It's not-- It's, it's against the rule. It's against the rule of three. The rule of three is a very important rule. And I would even-- you might even wanna tell your children that if you find that there is a counselor that's not keeping the rule of three, that's a good time to use it. I'm wondering, and go over to that counselor and say, "I'm wondering about the rule of three because this counselor, uh, you know, uh, uh, was, uh-- asked me to go on a rowboat, and it was only me and him there." That would be a very appropriate way to use the I'm wondering opening. While we're on the topic, I get a lot of times frustrated parents telling me that they're shocked about different things, different conversations that went on in their children's bunks. Unfortunately, in the goals that we're in today, children know way too much at way too early of an age. And, uh, I believe very, very strongly that we cannot send a kid of any age to camp without having many conversations. I don't think it's one conversation. Um, I think that we really have to make sure that they hear from us, the parents, first about Kedusha and Tznius and, and about the way that our body is holy and special, and the special mitzvahs that are given to the body are holy and u-- and special. I am not-- Uh, I don't think

27:29 Speaker 2 I'm an expert on the topic. Please contact your Mashgiach or, or, uh, or whoever, your Massanet, that is the top expert. I don't claim to be an expert. But here's a few things that could get the conversation started, and, um, hopefully, this can be helpful not only for camp, but for all. I think it's very important that our children hear this from us first. So first of all, I would say that teenagers these days are ten, 11, and preteens are eight, eight to nine. So whatever you thought when you were a child as becoming a teenager, whatever your parents were telling you, I believe it's happening way, way younger. Uh, could be it's even happening physically younger, but for sure happening knowledge-wise with the, uh... 'Cause the fact is that people are much more exposed as much as we try, and even if we're very good about it, there's no guarantee that all of the friends and everybody else was a hundred percent good about it. And the friend's friends, and they're coming together in camp, and as much as we try to supervise, and we have s-- the ca- counselors supervise, there's no question that the Yetzer Hara likes to make, uh, make, make this exciting. So let's try our best to get the Kedusha message first. One Inyan that's very simple for even the youngest child is that our Torah is the holiest thing. The holiest object in the world is the Torah. And the Torah is kept inside an Aron Hakodesh, and

28:56 Speaker 2 the Torah has a mantlel as a cover. And inside the Aron Hakodesh, there's a door, and in front of the door, there's a curtain. It's kept in the most private, private, private, special, special, qu- quiet place, and it's only used for the mitzvah of reading the Torah. That's the only time we take out a Torah. And the same thing is true about our bodies. Our bodies are holy. They're a very, very, very special, holy thing that Hashem has given us to be able to do Torah and mitzvahs with, to be able to help them, Hashem, to do holy mitzvahs with. And the holiest parts of our body are kept the most private, just like the Sefer Torah, which is the holiest thing, is kept the most private. And, uh, the, uh, the private parts of a, of a, of a person, those are holy things. They're used for special holy mitzvahs, specifically when you get married. But-- And again, every child according to their age and understanding. But the bottom line, uh, and, and again, I'm not trying to be an expert, but that's the idea, that this is a holy, special thing, and therefore it's kept private. And there are people, the Yetzer Hara loves to take holy things and make them not so holy. Unfortunately, we're dealing with it right now. Eretz Yisrael is always a focus of the Klipa. It's the holiest land, and therefore all the evil people, they wanna have-- they, they wanna engage with it. And the same thing

30:17 Speaker 2 is true with our holiest parts of our body, that people wanna say it's gross, or they wanna say it's Ochir, they wanna laugh and make little jokes about it. That would be like laughing about a Sefer Torah. That would be li- laughing about something that's very, very holy and special. It's not something that we do. We don't do that. And this is true also about the holiest mitzvah of Kidushin. It's also a private and special thing. That's why we don't talk about it, and we don't joke about it. And it could be-- And th- this is what it is. Th- this is the mitzvah. We, uh, again, each person to their, to the right age. This is what the mitzvah is, and this is the part of the body that it's used for. But the bottom line is that it's holy, and it's special, and that's why we keep it holy. That's why you don't hear us talking about it all the time because it's like the Sefer Torah. It's in a private, closed place. Use every opportunity to bring this conversation up and remind them again. Uh, in our school, we like to send out, uh- A, a, uh, message. Today's a good day to do Chazzara 'cause we learned about, you know, uh, Yehuda and Tamar or Lot and his daughters or something. And Chumash is a good-- it's a good-- it's a good opportunity. But, uh, unfortunately, there's also other opportunities. There's-- we, we drive around, we see things that are not

31:27 Speaker 2 tzinus or not good or, or, or we see things that are tzinus and exceptionally good, and we're able to say, "Oh, look, that's a beautiful way of kedusha. Look how that person is, is, is being sensitive." Or, uh, the child sees two people, uh, two guys in the street acting not tzinus-like. You could say, "Look, aren't we so lucky that in our Torah we know that this is something that's supposed to be kept holy and special?" And, uh, try to answer those questions directly. Um, I'm just bringing this up that now is a good time to do it because if your child has not been expo-- uh, exposed to this first by you, it is very hard to believe that in camp there is not a very high risk of information that is not appropriate being shared as much as we try to avoid it. That is unfortunately the fact, and, uh, please speak to your mashgiach and rav for your personal family guidance. The final nekuda that I wanna g-give, and then I hope we can get some questions and answers. Uh, the final nekuda is about the rules of camp. I think it's very healthy for our, um, for our campers to go to camp knowing the rules of camp. So Baruch Hashem, I've been doing this for a long time, and we haven't changed the three rules of camp. The three rules of camp are respect campers, staff, and stuff, follow directions from all staff members, and be where you're meant to

32:57 Speaker 2 be. Those are the three rules. And I think it's very valuable for our children before they go to camp to look at these rules and to explain to us what they feel this means. What does it look like to respect campers? What happens if a camper, uh, ruins it for your bunk and shabbos competition? What happens if a camper is being mean to you? What happens if all the other campers are being mean to a camper? How do we respect them then? Et cetera, et cetera. What does it look like to respect staff? Why is it important to respect staff? Is it really a big deal to take a staff member's stuff and, and, and, uh, put toothpaste on it? Is that such a big thing? It's a prank. They all do it. Everybody does it. Why does-- why do we not wanna do that? Why is it important to respect staff? And let the kid come up with some ideas. And then, of course, respecting stuff. There's a mitzvah of bal tashchis. There's a mitzvah of, uh, gezela, geneiva, right? Th-these are real mitzvahs. We're not allowed to steal. We're not allowed to destroy things meaninglessly. And what does that look like in camp? What does that-- how does that play out? Following directions from all staff members. I like to ask the question, when is it difficult for you to follow directions? Wh-when i-- whe-when is it, when is it okay? Wh-wh-wh-- you know, wh-when do you struggle with that? Um, by davening,

34:31 Speaker 2 by learning class, by this, by that. Okay. So what's your plan? Because we wanna be someone who follows directions from all staff members. And I believe in my children that they can do this, and I believe that you wanna be a, a camper that follows that, but sometimes it's hard. So what are we gonna do? Let's make a plan now. And, uh, be where you're meant to be. Again, this is, uh, pr-primarily a safety rule for camp. It's impossible for counselors to keep track of the campers, and a lot of the bullying and inappropriate stuff that happens in camp happens when the campers are not where they're supposed to be. So it's a safety issue. Um, it's also, uh, a, sort of part of the gan izzi guarantee that if we're always where we're supposed to be, we're gonna be having a good time. And the, um... And, uh, that, that is the, uh... And so be where you're meant to be. This is a very important rule of camp. And having these rules are, uh, a-- in the kids' head before they go. Let them know. Not every camp is gonna say the rules exactly like this. But if, if they could keep these three rules, and I've been doing this for a long time, if there's anything in camp that a child does that is not what we want them to do, it is in conflict with at least one, if not two, three, four, five, six, seven of these, of these rules,

35:55 Speaker 2 right? And, uh, this is very important. All right. Uh, so again, to review, we have, uh, just gonna go back to the, to the beginning, and then we'll take some questions. Um, we spoke about participating in camp with a gan izzi guarantee and, uh, to make-- to do every activity no matter what and to u-- uh, look at homesickness in a positive and okay way, to be okay homesickness and to try to designate time. Uh, the second, uh, the second thing we spoke about was having a friendship mindset, being able to deal with difficult people by getting good at the, "I'm wondering" opener, so when they have a problem, they can open up a question or speak up using a wondering and always be okay with that. And then the three parts of the friendship mindset to write down three things they did well every day, so they're their own best friend. They don't-- it doesn't matter so much when someone else puts me down 'cause I know I'm doing good things. And then to look at everybody else as a friend and try to understand, why would my friend do this to me? They must be my friend, so why do they do this to me? And then to respond like a friend by complimenting the other person and allowing them to believe what they want and play with whom they want. Then we spoke about two safety ideas. Number one, the rule of three, that we always need to have three or more

37:19 Speaker 2 people together. We're never alone with someone else. And along with that, to make sure that the conversations with Tznius and Kedushah are started by the parents. And finally, the three rules of camp, to respect camper, staff, and stuff. Follow directions of all staff members. Be where you're meant to be. To have a real open conversation with the campers so they are familiar with this, and they've thought a little bit about where they struggle with those things and what type of plan they will have. All right. Now I am going to try to go through some of the questions. The first question was, will the slideshow be shared? And the answer is yes, it will be, thank Hashem. Um, and that is, that is that. So we're happy for that. Uh, the second thing, uh, the second question is, second. Why do I recommend breakfast as a time for home missing? It would appear that that would make them kinda ruin their day, right? 'Cause now they're gonna be the whole day dealing with this home missing. So what we have found is that nighttime is the w- most difficult time for a camper to home miss because there's nothing to end it. It's an endless loop. They're in bed, and they just don't have anything to distract them or to help them move on from that feeling. So even if they recognize that it's a good feeling, and even when they realize that they're doing something positive and the crying is okay, there's nothing next.

38:47 Speaker 2 So they go to bed, they, uh, have a hard time falling asleep. The next day they're tired. It's very hard to be in a good mood when you're tired. It's very easy to spiral, and it, it creates a challenge. What we find is that by breakfast, they eat, they're up, they're fresh, they eat. They, they're in a good mood. They eat breakfast. Usually after breakfast is a short break, and then it goes right into learning class, and they're, they're... Campers have to go to learning class. They're in learning class. Their mind is distracted. They're able to move on, and it seems to work very well. Um, okay. Going to the question and answer box. Do I recommend sending a child to camp who is explicitly saying they do not want to go? Um, this is a good question. So this is a hard one because-- and everybody knows their children best, and I don't know if there is a one-size-fits-all answer to every camper. Um, I'm gonna answer with a little bit of a story. There was a camper that once came to one of our overnight camps, and he was a twelve-year-old camper, and he was extremely, extremely having a hard time, a lot of anxiety. Really, really, really difficult time. And the parents, uh, wanted him to stay. And he stayed. The camp started Monday night. Monday night, he did not sleep a wink. Tuesday night, he barely slept. Wednesday, he was having a really hard time, and I'm speaking to him, and

40:08 Speaker 2 he says to me, he says, "Rabbi Zalmi, I cannot do Shabbos." So I call the parents. The parents agreed. They made him a ticket. Zayde's gonna pick him up, bring him to the airport. I get a call that night from the father. He says, "Maybe we should have Zayde intentionally come late. He'll miss the plane. He'll have no choice. He'll stay in camp because without Achel, during the day, he's having an okay time." I took a deep breath and I said, "I believe my responsibility is to your son at the camp, my camp. And this is the way I see it. Either we could force him to stay in camp, either he'll think it's an accident or he won't. We'll most probably lose his trust. We'll-- Definitely, he's gonna have a hard time at night. Shabbos is-- He's very nervous about Shabbos for good reason. It's gonna be very hard. Or we could send him home, make the flight, and at your Chabad house, bake him a cake and have him stand up in front of the whole Would lead to a desirable result. There's special garbage bags that they use for diaper, uh, you know, for diaper genies and those types of things. Maybe they could be used to store the wipes and put into a regular garbage can, and it won't smell. Maybe there's another... There's Ziploc bags. Maybe there's a way to get around it. Um, but I hope that our directors can, uh, can work with you. I really, really do.

43:35 Speaker 2 Um, because the child needs to be able to have what he needs. Can a child have a positive experience going by himself with no friend in the bunk? Absolutely, yes. I did this my whole life. I was a child in Albany, New York, and I had very few classmates, and they almost never put me together with them in my bunk. Um, and I think it's important for, uh, kids to do that with the training of the friendship mindset, with the tools of the melanchol muscle, knowing what to do when someone upsets you, knowing that there are kids that don't know how to speak nicely, and what do you do when that happens, and having a plan, and being able to speak up to a head of counselors or a counselor saying, "I'm wondering if you could help me. This kid is not being nice, and I don't know what to do." And role-playing that with your child. Uh, I like to role-play with children, having them look at me in the eyeballs while they speak, and they often will look away mid-sentence. And I say, "Try it again," looking at me the whole time. Let them build confidence in asking for help because that's gonna be important as well. Uh, let's see. Um, what if they can't help miss their mom at nighttime? How can they stop the feeling? It's a great question. Um, first of all, I, we need to emphasize to this child that how wonderful and beautiful and amazing it is that

45:07 Speaker 2 they think about their mother often, and they have such a beautiful relationship with their mother that they can't fall asleep at night without thinking about their mother. It's so beautiful. It's so good. This is not a problem. This is a good thing. The problem is that it's keeping us up at night. That's the problem. In other words, the problem is tomorrow morning I'm gonna be tired. But right now, I'm doing a good thing. That itself often is enough to relax the, the camper. If it's not, again, I believe that allowing them the opportunity to do it at breakfast or another time during the day gives them opportunities that they are able to learn over time. Maybe they won't be able to learn right away, but over time, they will get used to home missing at a different time and being able to compartmentalize and say, "Right now, I know I miss my mommy. I know it's a good feeling." They have a picture, they look at it, it gives them like a night, and they're able to push off the session for the next day. Someone asked, I'm wondering, so thank you. If a camper takes medicine, should he bring it to camp and hand it to the nurse? So I was an EMT in camp a few times or assisted EMT. And, uh, I remember once I was a counselor also at one point, and I saw a camper fall off the bunk, and I ran over to them. And, uh, as I got

46:34 Speaker 2 closer, the camper fell again. I rushed him to the infirmary. We opened up the camp file, nothing. And take him to the emergency room. Of course, it was out of Shabbos. And, uh, take him to the emergency room, and turns out the child has epilepsy. He brought medicine to camp, lost it for whatever reason, and, uh, was having seizures. Um, I don't, uh, I, I cannot recommend having a camper, a child being responsible for medicine. I think it's not, not a good idea. I think it's a doubly not good idea 'cause there's other children in the bunk. So even if we trust our child that they... And we know that they're responsible with their meds, the chances that someone else will find it and test it is very, very high and could be catastrophic. So I think we have to be extremely, extremely careful to, uh, make sure that all medicines are dealt with the way that the camp wants us to in the medication management system. I daven and hope and pray that camps could be extremely sensitive to children who are sensitive about taking meds. I hope that they could do it in a quiet way. We've managed to do that many, many years in our, in our, uh, camp, but I, I cannot imagine, um, a kid being responsible for medication in camp. It just does not sound like a good idea. Um, someone is recommending for wipes, a peri bottle. That might be another alternative solution. You could try it out

47:59 Speaker 2 now and see if that works. Thank you. Um, what if my daughter is so upset there was no space for her in camp, it was full? This is a big problem. This is a big problem. I spoke to one camp director this year. They turned away two hundred and forty-four applications. Spoke to another camp, uh, they, they turned away over a hundred applications. Spoke to another teen camp, over three hundred applications they turned away. This is a real problem. We need more camps. We need more good camps. And, uh, definitely something that needs to happen. Um, at the same time, we have to believe in Hashgacha Protis. Uh, my wife and I are in our, I think, third round of Shaar HaBitachon. We learn a couple of pages every Shabbos together. Highly recommend it. Really helps us see the world in a great way. I think that our children are gonna end up exactly where they're supposed to be this summer. Of course, we have to do our Hishtadlus, we have to try, and we have to, uh, do our best, but we have to trust Hashem also. I had a student who was all... The entire class went to one camp. He was the only one turned away. He was mad. It felt... I felt wrong. I felt like, "Come on, what are you doing to this kid?" He went to a different camp, he came back that summer, and he literally had the best time of them all. And it was perfect for

49:28 Speaker 2 him. Um, okay, someone's going back to the medication question and asking about melatonin. Maybe that's something that could, uh, help them fall asleep. Again, uh, you have to work with your camp's policies. I think that it's very important. Um, I know that in our camp, melatonin and inhalers and EpiPens are three things that we allow our counselors to handle. So it's not gonna be in the custody of the camper, it'll be in the custody of the counselor. They don't have to go to the infirmary every night, which is a massive schlep, but they can go to the counselor. But this way, there's an adult that is supervising it, so it doesn't become something that all the campers think it's cool, and we're taking a melatonin party. We have no idea what kids are doing, if they're mixing medications, if it's good healthy for them. It could be a real problem. I, uh, I, I hope that camps have procedures and policies in place that allows the kid to take melatonin at night without having to schlep a, three acres away to the infirmary that's closed. All right. Uh, I have a few minutes left. Is there any other, uh, questions? And for the other panelists, see... Oh, visiting day. Is visiting day recommended for a child who is emotional? If a parent can't come for visiting day, does it have a negative impact on a child? What do camps do with kids if the parents can't come? So this is a gr-great question. Uh, you

51:00 Speaker 2 know your child the best. I, I can't answer for your child whether y- if visiting day is gonna set them off or set them up. Um, but again, I look at missing mommy and tatty as a good thing. I'm not trying to avoid kids missing their mommies. I think that's a good thing. I, I think it's okay. Uh, you know. Um, but at the same time, you, you know your child the best, and maybe that's a conversation you wanna have with your child, you know? It's gonna be hard the first few days of camp after not, you know, missing mommy, e-even though it's a good feeling, and Rabbi Zalmi explained it well, and it's a good feeling, but still, it's not, you know, it's a lot. It's emotional. Do we want to do that again after visiting day? Is that gonna be harder? Uh, mo-- the most camps, uh, during visiting day do have the counselors look out for the kids who don't have a visitor, and they do something special with them. Uh, I know that that is something that happened to my, my kids. Uh, s- if you know someone, if you know a staff member that's there, maybe you can have them specifically look out, give them a couple dollars to buy them something for the canteen on visiting day. Um, but that is, that is definitely something that should be considered. Um, I would definitely not send the kid to camp just because I can't visit them on visiting day. It's

52:15 Speaker 2 one day. They'll figure it out. It'll be okay. And I noticed a few camps that are not doing visiting day, which was interesting. Okay, next question. I was bullied in camp when I was twelve. My counselor participated. How do we make sure things like that don't happen? Unfortunately, first of all, I'm sorry that happened. It's not okay. It's not okay. It's really, really not okay when our staff do not model the hafetz chayyim that we are sending our kids to camp to learn from them. It's really not okay. I also had counselors that were not the greatest. I know I also had counselors that were the greatest. I know the difference, and for this reason, I spend a lot of time every year trying to get as many counselors I can to try to get themselves in a mindset to be in the right place. We can't prevent it from happening. The best thing I could offer you is to tell your child what to do when someone's mean to them, to look that counselor right in the face and say, "Wow, this counselor's trying to build me up. She must be trying to make sure that I'm the best unbullyable person in the world. Even the counselor's trying to make sure I'm not, I'm not bullyable. I'm gonna treat the counselor like a friend too." And look at the counselor and say, "Wow, you got me. That was a really good insult. I wish I could insult as well as you. High five." And

53:39 Speaker 2 practice it and role play it. Counselors can't be mad at people that don't fight back. You can't. It just doesn't work. Um, by the way, if you want a very comprehensive friendship mindset thing that was created by my boss at Lambe Jewish Academy, Mrs. RaCHel, MorAchaeli Matulick, um, it's on our website, chinuchtools.com in the digital tool, uh, digital, uh, resources tab on the top. Uh, there is a... It's a long exercise, but you could try it. You might even wanna try it with that counselor that bullied you and see if you can see yourself look at that counselor as a friend and turn around that attitude and see if you can help it with the, um, with the, uh, uh, with your, with your daughter maybe to role play that type of mindset shift and send her with a copy so that if it happens, they can, they can do the switch. Uh, the friendship mindset. That's, uh, on chinuchtools.com. Now, someone asked a really, really good question. Should I dis-- How much should I disclose, uh, if a child has high functioning autism, how much do I disclose to the counselors? Meaning it may negatively impact the way the child is treated by the counselor 'cause teens don't know much about the nuances of the diagnosis. So I want to, um, I think this deserves a lot of attention, this question. The best thing that, that you can give that counselor is every possible tool to protect your child, to care for your child,

55:06 Speaker 2 to understand your child, and to know how to react when your child does something that might be considered misbehavior, but they're really not trying to misbehave. I work with a lot of children, and there is a, a child on the spectrum who, during COVID, g- sent to the principal's office 'cause he told the teacher, "How come your no- your mask isn't over your nose?" And the, the, the teacher was sitting behind the plexiglass window, and instead of having the patience to say, "What made you say that?" the teacher sent him to the principal's office. And all, all, uh, as soon as I told him, I said, "You know that glass, uh, screen in front of the, the teacher's desk? That's his mask." "Oh, okay, so he is wearing a mask. Okay." Um, so, uh, I think we have to be very, um, uh, I, I think more the better. If you could get a letter from the therapist or, or from yourselves, the parents, that says, "This is what you might expect. This is what works. This is what doesn't work." Those are, for, to me, that's the best thing you could do. And as a counselor, I appreciate it. Uh, one of my good friends always says, "Send the tip to the counselors before the summer." If I wait till the end? Okay, fine. Uh, but that's, uh... I don't know if that's... Okay, great. Um, okay. Uh, someone asked for the website. The website is chinuchtools.com. It's right over here on the screen.

56:38 Speaker 2 And, uh, if you go to digital resources or digital, uh, tools on the top, you will see some of what we're looking for here. Um, okay. Um, the other information will be shared, uh, by Menachem Education Foundation. The same way that you signed up, you'll get an email, I believe, with a survey and the slideshow that you are watching, so all those resources will be there. I'd like to thank all my campers who watched this, my former campers. Uh, we're getting some shout-outs here. Um, the recording also will be sent out, yes. Okay. Um, is there anything else? If there's anything else, uh, we'll wait one more minute. Um, but I just wanna once again thank all of the parents here. I just think one thing that has to be said is that sending our kids to camp is a tremendous sacrifice. It is not easy. If you live out of town, especially, flights and everything, it's, it's extremely, extremely... Uh, it takes a lot of resources and a lot of trust and a lot of tefillin to send our kids to camp. And we ha-- I, I have seen it again and again and again. We have to trust the Rebbe that he knows what he's talking about. Camp is a great place for our children to develop socially, emotionally, physically. Let's prepare them as best as we can, and let's daven that all of our camps are in Yerushalayim. Let's, uh, appreciate the kipah tefillin at the beginning. I was having kavannah that

58:19 Speaker 2 all the head staff that are in Eretz Yisrael should make it to camp on time, and, uh, they should have an amazing, amazing summer. I'll just, uh, because I said I'll take one more question. Um, how do we make sure that the kid's medicine gets to the staff member? Uh, this is something that I would email the camp about. The camp should have a procedure for collecting medication and a way to get it done. Um, I know that, uh... So I, I don't think it, it should... They, they sh-- they should just make sure, please make sure that it's marked with your child's name and the correct dosage. Um, best way to prepare my daughter who has a small class to be in a big environment. Um, I will never forget my first day in camp. Uh, and when I found out that there's more Jewish kids my age than I thought existed in the whole world, um, that was a very overwhelming experience. Um, I don't know that you can-- I don't know if that's something you could imagine without being there. Um, I think the one thing that you could, the, the one thing that was helpful for me was my kemechah muscle. Knowing that I'm a good-- I'm good, and I, I, I know myself, and I have some tools. And, uh, you know, talk about it. Listen to her and, uh, and s-see, see what we could do. Um, phone calls and g-- What can a mother do if she feels

59:44 Speaker 2 like, um, it's hard for her to communicate with her son when he goes away for camp because the phone calls are very short? First of all, you have to hope that your son is not like mine who, uh... I have different s-sons. One-- Some of my children called every single week and every opportunity. Some of my sons, uh, unfortunately ended up in the emergency room, and that was my one way to get a hold of him 'cause he finally had to call me. But, yeah, Baruch Hashem, he's okay. But, uh, I think if your son knew, maybe write him a little plane letter or a bus letter. If your son knew how much it would mean to you to call home when he hears that it's his bungk stern, if he would come and call, and call, I think that's very helpful. Sending emails to your camper is very helpful. It's a one-way communication. You don't get any response back, but they do get the emails. And, uh, you can mention in the email also that you're waiting very much for the phone call. And, uh, take care of yourself and your own anxiety and speak to your mashgiachim and, uh, your, your mental health team to make sure that you are managing yourself well. Uh, we don't, uh, definitely don't wanna be a cause of anxiety for the child. They're having a, you know... But, uh, definitely, uh, this is, uh... Yeah, those are small things you could do to hope and pray that

1:01:04 Speaker 2 they call. But, uh, my experience, if they don't call, they're probably having a really good time. All right, everybody, thank you so much. You can reach out to me in my email. It will be on the slideshow. It's on the screen. If you have, uh, specific questions you wanna follow up privately. And everybody should have a wonderful Tzadikah summer and only the best. Thank you for listening. Wishing you much atzlacha in your vital shlichas.