The Sharp Answer to a Woman Debating Pregnancy

Welcome to our weekly Mivtza Shabbos program. This program is dedicated l'nishmas the Rebbe's wife, the Frierdiker Rebbe's daughter.

The Rebbe mentioned many times that the Shabbos before the coming week has a connection with the coming week. So since this coming week is [unclear], this Shabbos, in this parsha, it is mentioned that when [God] gave the Torah, He says, "Speak to the women first." If we want that the geulah should come, first speak to the women, because they have the koach to influence - the koach to influence their husbands. The Rebbe writes in a letter, she's called the akeres habayis - she gives [the spirit of] the home.

If children grow up properly, most of the time it's thanks to the wife, to the mother - not to the husband. The husband is busy learning, busy going to work; she is home. And if she wants her husband to do what he's supposed to, she has this. You know the saying: the husband is the head and the wife is the neck - wherever the neck turns, that's where the head goes. She has this. So that's why the Torah was given [to the women first].

So when we make a lechaim, as the Rebbe mentioned - I've mentioned this a few times - you give a lechaim to somebody, you say "l'chaim," which means "to life." Life isn't [about wealth being] more important first, but the first thing is: when a person has nachas from children, then life is a good life, then life is really life. And it doesn't matter whether you're rich or not rich. The Rebbe spoke many times [about this]: whether you have a million dollars or you don't have a million dollars, you sleep on the same mattress, you eat the same rye bread, as I said years ago.

So if she does the right thing, the right way, from the home - when children see that the mother lights candles, when the mother bakes - there is an effect. When the children stand around the table, when she lights candles and closes her eyes and makes a brachah, and they know that by her it's not just [routine] - she closes her eyes and thinks about giving brachos to all the people that need a refuah, for her family - they see that this has an effect on the children. When the children come home from school, from yeshiva, and they smell challah - not that she went to the store and bought it, she baked for Shabbos - because she needs that brachah, that extra [care] that she puts in, and it's important to her, and that brings the shalom [bayis]. Then she has these three things: she lights candles and says "good Shabbos" - she separates between weekdays and holy days. She takes time to separate, and she takes a piece of dough and puts it on the fire, she makes a brachah - she separates between the gashmiyus and [the spiritual]. So she has this.

But she also has to know that she has to compromise, and that's one of the reasons the Rebbe says in a beautiful letter that the mezuzah is usually placed on a slant. Why? To show that in this home there is compromise - that it's not whatever she says goes or whatever he says goes, they both compromise. And that's why - I once heard a vort, it's not from the Rebbe, but I heard it - it's about the word "mezuzah." What's a mezuzah? The letters zayin-vav, "zu," add up to 13 - a boy becomes bar mitzvah at 13. The letters zayin-hey, "zah," add up to 12 - a girl becomes bas mitzvah at 12, not 13. A boy becomes bar mitzvah at 13, and here it's the opposite. Why is it like that? The answer is because they both compromise. Even though she becomes bas mitzvah at 12 and he becomes bar mitzvah at 13, it doesn't matter - they both compromise. And that will bring the family together.

But before I read a letter from the Rebbe, I want to mention - a couple of months ago I spoke, we spoke about why Chabad does not make a eulogy [unclear]. We all know that the Rebbetzin - as is well known - was the epitome of bitul. If a woman wants to know what it means to have a house, a home, and take care of the home, you learn from the Rebbetzin. She has this: if not for her, the Rebbe couldn't have accomplished what he accomplished. To her credit - she stayed home. The Rebbe Maharash, they had at home [the same pattern] - the Rebbe was never home. The Rebbe would farbreng for hours and hours at night. The Rebbe was never home, and the Rebbe did all this always only with her permission - if not for her permission, the Rebbe wouldn't have done it. So she gets the credit - whatever the Rebbe accomplished is to her credit. As we just mentioned, the way the wife wants it to be, that's how it is.

Now, our family was very close with the Frierdiker Rebbe's nurse, Mana [?]. She later [became close with the family]. Mana came on the boat with [the Frierdiker Rebbe's family] - she was very close, very close. She lived upstairs, in the apartment, the Frierdiker Rebbe's apartment. The Frierdiker Rebbe considered her as a daughter. I heard from her that when the Frierdiker Rebbe gave presents to his daughters for every Yom Tov, if he gave a present, he gave her one also - she was like a daughter. And then, while the Rebbetzin was alive, the Rebbe's wife, Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka, used to come every day upstairs, and that's how she got close with Mana. And later on, after Chaya Mushka passed away, she [Mana] was close with her - she was probably the closest person that she ever had. I mean, Chaya Mushka didn't have many close friends - she did have some, but these were [far and few between], they would speak on the telephone sometimes - but she [Mana] was mamash like a sister [to her]. So I heard a lot of things from her about the Rebbetzin, which today I don't have much time to say. But I do want to say that a lot of stories that are said about this, a lot of stories that are said about Rebbetzins in general - you have to be accurate. There are certain things that are not accurate, and could be true, but what I heard from her, I don't want to speak about it today. She is now [unclear] on the highest level, with Mana.

So now I want to read just a short letter that the Rebbe wrote about women. [The Rebbe] says that people, even religious people, should daven - it's in the letter - in the same shul: the father, the mother, and the children; they should eat together. Not that the son should go to one shul, the daughter to another shul, the wife to another shul, the husband to another shul - they should daven in one shul. That's the best thing - the Rebbe writes, "Be together."

And we often see - the Rebbe writes - I'm going to read now the way the Rebbe wrote and the way the Rebbe signed this: "We often see fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, in four separate worlds. Some families have fallen, unfortunately, to economic and social pressure, to the point of almost total segregation, where fathers are engrossed completely in material [pursuits] and mothers look for personal fulfillment at the expense of the family, where children are placed in the hands of hired help and their education and character training are left void of religious content."

But, as mentioned, the spirit of family unity is often lacking also amongst religious people - they learn, but it's lacking. The Rebbe gives a suggestion: every Friday night, eat together - the family, at least Friday night, should eat together, sit together, talk together, and this will keep the family together. It was a very important point that the Rebbe stresses.

The Rebbe writes to somebody: "You write about the lack of responsibility in taking care of your children. It's a matter of common sense, as well as the Torah emphasizes, that a Jewish woman finds her fulfillment precisely as a wife and mother, and that is where she can truly accomplish great and wonderful things, if she only desires it. It is written that God created man straight, but he has sought many calculations - and in our abnormal times, it has become a prevalent, common mistake, a view that the wife must seek employment, and by all means, outside the home. To be sure, if there would be some employment that could be done at home to supplement the parnassah, that would be all right, as is mentioned in connection with the chapter of Aishes Chayil. But outside employment, this matter has become quite customary and second nature, to such an extent that it has resulted in a complete reversal of values - making the essential secondary and the secondary essential, as if a woman can be regarded as a real person only if she goes against her nature and against the order of the world.

"The above would be true even if the woman has one or two children to take care of and no other duties in regard to spreading Yiddishkeit in the proper manner of a Jewish home, in accordance with the verse, 'All the dignity of the king's daughter is inward,' for surely the highest function and greatest happiness of a woman is to be a wife and mother and take care of the home and the children. How much more so when, thank God, they have more than the minimum number of children, especially when they are at the age that they are entirely dependent upon the attention and loving care of their mother. And when one lives in a place where to keep a Jewish home is in itself a challenge, not as it used to be in olden days and different circumstances. And when one has, in addition, the greatest responsibility and privilege of strengthening [the home] with the light of Yiddishkeit - all this certainly requires all the mobilization of the woman's [unclear], consideration, and peace of mind, and there is no greater satisfaction than being able to accomplish all the above. It would be a downfall, after all the above, that there would be [a need for] outside employment."

Now the Rebbe finishes off here, and I'm almost done. A woman asked the Rebbe - and women should know this - she didn't want to become pregnant. Why? Because she was going [on with her career] and she wouldn't be able to do her work properly. Can you imagine? The Rebbe answers here - I have the answer, it's sharp. This is what he wrote: "Who are you to play with God? Maybe that child that would be born, that was supposed to be born, is going to be a gadol." He wrote "God" - I never saw the Rebbe write that word - "and [that child] would be able to bring much more [benefit] to people than you are [unclear]. Don't play with God."

The Rebbe mentions here that Elkanah, who was the husband of Chana, was rich - he could afford a babysitter, but he didn't [hire one]. And Chana did not want to go to the Beis Hamikdash, such a holy thing - why? Because [she said], "I have a child," and when a person has a child, this is the most important thing. "I have children, and God gave me a child," and that is the most important [thing]. Then [the Rebbe] goes into [the reason she] didn't want to be buried [away from home] - to help [unclear]. Anyways, we see from all this how much a woman should learn from the Rebbetzin: a woman's place is in the home, taking care of her children.

And if they want to make parnassah, the best thing is - maybe nowadays you can make it from the house, and if not, maybe try a few hours. But the main thing is this, and this is what we can learn. Next week we'll continue our weekly program. Thank you.