The Lessons We Learn From Sarah Imeinu

Historic Treasures — Episode 281 Transcript

Welcome to our weekly Shabbos program.

Today we read the parsha. I want to touch upon a few things here with this coming week's parsha. It is a very unique parsha — every parsha is unique, but we can learn a lot from this one. Number one, we learn from this about tzniyus — we learn in this about being modest. We learn from the parsha the role of a Jewish woman in Chayei Sarah, and also the inyan of purity of the family. This is all taken from the Rebbe's letters.

The Chabad custom is not to make a hesped when somebody passes away. The Chabad custom is not to make a hesped. Why don't we make a hesped? I mean, the world does, but we don't, because when a person goes to the other world — the other world is called the world of truth. This world is called — this world is a false world. And the way we act, and the way we talk about the person who passed away, that has an effect on him.

So if we praise the person more than we're supposed to, maybe it's not 100% true. And if we say less than we're supposed to, it's also not 100% true, because he is now in [the world of truth]. So therefore we don't make hespedim. It's like they say — a woman either is pregnant or she's not pregnant; she cannot be a little pregnant. It has to be 100%. So we don't make a hesped.

So the question is, why does it say this week that a list [of her years] was made? Some answer that this is the only time — or maybe there's another time, maybe it says this by Yaakov — but not too many times does it say this. The reason is that it says she was — when she was 100, she was like 20, just like when she was 20 there was no sin. So the same thing goes: she was 100 without sin, so she was "kulah shavah" — she was completely equal [in goodness] — because she was 100%. So whatever you praise her for, you're not saying something false, because whatever you praise her for, she deserves — everything. That's why, by her, they did make a hesped.

Now, what is the greatness, what's so holy about her? We know there was [greatness], but what was she great for, what did she do? So it says about her — "kol kevudah bat melech pnimah," the glory of a king's daughter is within. As we learned today in the parsha, the glory of a Jewish woman, a girl, is within — the inyan of this is what made her very great. This is her merit, and this is the lesson to us.

Now, over here I picked up a letter. I'm just going to read a few — just two small paragraphs — where the Rebbe speaks about Jewish girls. The Rebbe writes — I'm not going to read the first paragraph, about the gathering — but the Rebbe says:

"Apropos of the above reference to the proper conduct of Jewish girls, especially in the present generation, which is noted for laxity in many areas, and in reply to the question which has been addressed to me by many inquirers as to what should be the length of girls' dresses and skirts, I have already made known my opinion on this matter, namely that, as a general rule applicable to all Jewish girls everywhere" — and the Rebbe underlines — "the dress should be long enough to cover the knees in a sitting position.

"The above, as emphasized, is by way of a general rule and minimum. However, it is necessary to bear in mind that, according to the custom prevailing in certain communities or circles, the above norm may not be adequate for matters of [tzniyus] and the like. A local custom sometimes dictates more stringent norms than the above minimum. Consequently, it is up to the local rabbinical authorities to determine what is the minimum requirement to be observed in that particular locality.

"It should be added — and this is an important point — that where local conditions necessitate a stricter observance, this does not necessarily imply that the stricter norms are merely by way of an extra restriction, since it is possible that, because of prevailing conditions, this strictness may be required by halachah, as similar situations are often found in other areas as well."

So then the Rebbe goes on and gives brachos. But this is what we can learn from this. And it says — why did [Sarah and Avraham] merit to have a son like [Yitzchak]? They say it's because the parents were great, so they merited to have him, as it says about him. And it says that when Mashiach comes, we will say — not about Avraham, not about Yaakov, but about [Sarah] — because of this. I think it says — I don't know exactly — but the idea is: when Mashiach comes, we'll look back and see whether they deserve it. So he will come and say: how long does a person live in this world? Let's say 100 years, 120 years — let's say the lifespan is 100 years.

Half of the time a person sleeps — 50 years. So you can't say he accomplished for 100 years, because when a person sleeps, he doesn't do anything. So it's only 50 years. Out of those 50 years, 10 years a person spends eating — let's say a person eats and doesn't accomplish anything either — so it's only 40 years left. Then give a person 10 years' credit that he did some good, so it's only 30 years left. So let's split it — he'll say, "I'll take half upon myself, and you take half upon yourself." And who [gets the credit for] this? This is because it says — [as heard, unclear] — "his mother." So this is the lesson that we can learn from here.

Now, also about clothes — when a woman, a girl, goes out, they must always know to learn from [Sarah], as we learned in the parsha today, and we see what happened — look what happened to her — because a woman's dignity is pnimi [inward]. And that's why also our mother — who is called our mother, the Rebbetzin, the Rebbe's wife, the mother of our generation, our spiritual mother — look how she was: she always stayed in the house, she always stayed inside. And this is how our children should behave as well.

Then the Torah speaks about the shidduch — how [Avraham] wanted Eliezer to find a girl for his son. So the Torah says: don't go [to the Canaanites], go to my land, and watch yourself — they shouldn't take my son there. And he wanted [the girl] to be from his own family. And here we can learn something very important for us today. We can learn like this:

We're talking about — you know, there are people, and the Rebbe didn't agree with this — there are people that, when a girl or a boy goes out [in a shidduch], the parents want to know where the family comes from, what background the girl or the boy should be from. The Rebbe felt that the main thing is that the person has to be a Jew, of course, but beyond that [the family background shouldn't matter so much]. There was a letter here — I don't have it in front of me — a very important letter: a woman writes [to the Rebbe] — she was at a shiur — and she writes the name of the [one] which I'm not going to mention, who told her that all Jews are the same, whether you're religious or not religious, we're all the same — we all come from [unclear] — as long as a Yid has a Jewish mother, they are the same, equally good. So now she has to marry off her daughter, and she writes to the Rebbe that some people don't want their sons to go out with her daughter because she was not religious, and they want a religious, G-d-fearing family. The Rebbe was very, very strong — he was against that. The Rebbe wrote a whole letter that we shouldn't look at what house she comes from and look down on her — that's not the way. So it has to be a Jewish girl, and where they come from is not the issue, as long as they are [Jewish].

Now, here I want to share with you one paragraph — this is from one of the Rebbe's letters. A girl writes that she met a boy — she doesn't write how she met him, that's just how she writes — a very nice boy, and he's becoming [religious] — he's not yet, but he's becoming — can I consider marrying him? So first of all, [the Rebbe] answered: "Don't mix marriage with [the hope that he will become religious]," even if she's sure that he will become religious. A religious girl should marry a religious boy. Don't wait until maybe he is going to become [religious]. We don't mix them together.

Now I want to read this letter — it's not entirely clear, but this is a letter from the Rebbe, just one paragraph, an interesting letter:

"In reply to your letter, I was pleased to hear that you are strictly an Orthodox girl and want to get married to a strictly Orthodox boy. However, I cannot approve nor give my blessing to your proposed marriage, in view of the fact that the boy desecrates the Shabbos, even though unwillingly. A Jew must make every sacrifice for the observance of the Shabbos, and when there is truly a will, G-d helps."

This is [the Rebbe's] answer to her. Now, the next paragraph, the Rebbe says to her: "May G-d grant him a good heart to begin to observe the Shabbos, and may He provide him and his sustenance without desecration of our religion, like a true Jew." And then: "I give my blessing that G-d grant you a happy life."

So here we see — when it comes to a marriage, how you have to be careful, even if you meet somebody who's not 100%, you have to know that it has to be 100%.

Now there are many [letters about] boys as well, and the Rebbe answers more or less the same idea.

And as it says in this parsha, Eliezer — when he met [Rivka] — he made a sign to himself: when he would ask for water, she would say, "Also I will give water to your camels." This is the one — this is the woman. And then, when she saw [Yitzchak], she took a veil and covered her face.

So we see from this parsha — and this is what the Rebbe would say — the Rebbe said that when looking for a girl, look for three things. Number one, we see from this that she should be a religious girl, that she should be from a good family.

The Rebbe said that this is what we can learn from this parsha. Then, following the parsha further, it says that after this, he brought her into the tent, and then he married her. Rashi says that when he brought Rivka into the tent, it was like when Sarah was there — there was a candle burning from one Shabbos to the next, there was a blessing in the dough, and there was a cloud over the tent. And as soon as he brought her in, right away there was a candle — of course it is derived from here — I'm not going to go into that — it is derived from here that a girl should light candles before marriage, because it says [Rivka] was three years old [in Rashi's chronology] — before marriage — I'm not going to go into that, but here we learn a few things, and I'm going to finish with that.

We say every Friday night — this is to the girls, this is all gathered from letters — it says: "Sheker hachen vehevel hayofi" — "favor is false and beauty is nothing" — a woman who fears G-d, she is the one who should be praised.

So the question [the Rebbe] asked there: beauty is nothing? The Torah says that all Jewish women are beautiful, and the whole miracle of Purim — if not for the beauty of Esther HaMalka, we wouldn't have had the miracle — that's why [Achashverosh] married her. And we see that Sarah was [beautiful], and we see [Rivka] was [beautiful] — so why do we say [beauty] is false, how can it say that? So the answer — and it's a very important answer — is: these are the three mitzvos that a woman has. As we see, when Rivka came into the tent — if it says that candle-lighting is "false" [secondary], it doesn't mean that she doesn't light candles.

We're not talking about people who don't light candles. She lights, but it's not [just that] — she does it, let's say, one-two-three [quickly, by rote]. At the moment that she lights the candles and covers her eyes, she can [daven for] everything, and the children stand around the table and watch the way the mother — or the daughter — covers her eyes, and she has in mind brachos for everybody. But [some women] don't do it that way — she doesn't do it, she has no time, she just makes the brachah fast.

If that is also secondary, why does she have to bake? She could go to the store and buy ready-made [challah], but a woman [should] bake. The children, when they come home from school, from cheder, come home and smell the challah — this is part of it. But for her, she doesn't have to — she's busy, she's busy with other things. And the brachah — it's an extra brachah they gave her — to take a piece of dough, put it on the fire, and make the separation. But if that's secondary too, [what about] niddah — the preparation for going to the mikvah, for separating from her husband — this whole inyan, she does it, of course, but that too is not taken seriously enough. She doesn't learn too often about these things.

So why does it say beauty is nothing? Because beauty — today you're beautiful, and in ten years your face changes, and you look different — that's only temporary. So if that's the case, why [mention beauty at all]? Because the most important thing, the real beauty, is a woman who fears G-d. And that's why she was given the [mitzvah of] separation.

She is given the responsibility to separate. When she lights candles, she says "good Shabbos" — the whole home knows that now it's Shabbos. She separates between the weekdays and the holy days. When she bakes, she takes a piece of dough and separates it [hafrashas challah], and she makes [the blessing].

And the same thing with the children. How do we know a child is a Jew? It doesn't matter what the father is — the main thing is what the mother is. So it depends on the woman — this is the main thing of what a woman is, and this is what [G-d] gave a woman. And then, when she gets married, she will have children — healthy children, children who will follow the mitzvos, and she will bear children. This is the main thing, and this shows that this is the kind of girl that a person should choose.

And this is what we can learn from the parsha. Next week we'll continue our weekly program. Thank you.