What the Rebbe Said About Sholom Bayis

Welcome to our weekly Shabbos program, "The Inside Story of Chabad in America."

I mentioned a few weeks ago about Rabbi Mindel — he worked with the Rebbe over fifty years, taking dictation of thousands and thousands of letters: Hebrew letters, English letters, Russian letters, Yiddish letters. And many times, being by the Rebbe over fifty years, he discussed with him certain things — he told him certain stories, and certain questions that people asked, he spoke over with the Rebbe. So Rabbi Mindel wrote down certain points, certain topics from the Rebbe.

So today I want to share with you a topic — there are many about shalom bayis, many topics, but one inyan I want to bring down that the Rebbe wrote, or that the Rebbe discussed with him.

Before I tell you, I just want to say the Rambam says that the husband should respect his wife, give her kavod more than himself — as they say, he is the head, she's the neck; wherever the neck turns, that's where the head goes. You should have respect for the wife. But that's something I mentioned about, something which I'm not going to elaborate on today.

I once heard — [unclear] — when somebody told the Rebbe that folding his tallis is a segula, he tells the Rebbe this. So the Rebbe says, okay, but you should know that helping wash the dishes on Shabbos, helping your wife wash the dishes, is also a segula — that'll be — so he felt that would be an even better segula. But anyway, that's a separate matter.

Now, this letter here — the person asked the Rebbe whether he should try to keep his family together. He got married — you know, people get married, children get married — but sometimes after the marriage they feel, "I made a mistake," or "it's not for me," and they want to break it off. People ask [this question]. So this is one answer. The Rebbe answers like this: trying to keep the family together, trying to build a new life, and makes the word definite — to be married. And he wrote a big "Yes" — this is the Rebbe's handwriting — not only that, [regarding] divorce.

Rabbi Mindel writes here that in general it is the Rebbe's opinion that it is of the utmost importance to preserve shalom bayis at home at all costs, and to avoid divorce — and even separation — as much as possible. Some people don't divorce, but they think, "oh, we're going to separate for a few months" — that's not good. The Rebbe did not agree with that, with separation. There are other ways to do it, as we're going to say soon, but not separation. When people separate it's not good for the children, when they separate it's not good, and I'll tell you soon what the Rebbe said.

And Rabbi Mindel writes, being by the Rebbe, he wrote notes to himself of things he heard from the Rebbe many times: when it comes to shalom bayis, he answers — make sure the mezuzah of the home is placed on a slant. It should be on a slant, because that shows that in this home the husband and wife compromise. [It's an interesting point about the word mezuzah itself — unclear in detail.] This is how husband and wife should always live, and then they'll have shalom.

And they should realize that everyone has their responsibility in this world as husband and wife. This is all from the Rebbe — that peace in the home is the greatest thing, and it's important to keep the family together, and when you divorce you're cutting something off. [There is also a teaching the Rebbe brought — about the words ish and isha and the letters that form them, and how removing certain letters leaves only "eish," fire — unclear in detail, but the point being that divorce "cuts off" and that is the worst thing.] That's why he writes these points from the Rebbe.

Also, the Rebbe says many times: any shalom bayis problem, discuss with friends, a rav, or a psychiatrist, but not divorce and not separate. I mean, there are people — I'm not saying everybody, maybe for some people the Rebbe did agree — but in general the Rebbe did not agree with separation, because that's not good for the family. It destroys the entire current situation and starts a search for a new life for her and for her children, with a constant confusion of mind which comes from the doubts of "did I do the right thing," and "perhaps I lost my chance," and they sometimes regret it. But they should try not to divorce, and if you do have to divorce, I guess then it's probably the last resort. Then he adds here: don't make changes, and one change might lead to another change — even separation will also be a change, because in general, changes [lead to more changes] — separation but not divorce.

Then the Rebbe also says — I think that's what Rabbi Mindel meant from the Rebbe — that if they separate or divorce, and later a son wants to make a shidduch, it'll be difficult to make a match. And so this is the Rebbe's advice: always speak it over with friends, but divorce is the last resort.

Now, on the same page, the person asked the Rebbe that they have difficulty deciding where to live. So what should they do? The husband says "I want to live here," and the wife says "I want to live here," or they want to stay, and they get into disagreement, and it's very important. There is a letter from the Rebbe that I saw — you should listen, when it comes to moving, you should listen to the wife.

So anyway, here the Rebbe brings down a story. He writes this down: "I was once walking in the street, a person met me, gave me shalom, and I returned shalom. He says to me, 'Rabbi, where do you come from?' I told him, 'From a great city of Torah and of scholars.' So he says to me, 'Come with me, live with us — if you live with us I will give you thousands of gold and silver and precious stones.' So I told him, 'If you gave me all the precious stones in the world, I would not live there. A person should always live in a place of Torah, and raise your children in a place of Torah' — as the Mishnah says, that a person should always live in a place of Torah."

The question is, people ask the Rebbe, "What about [shluchim] who live who-knows-where, and the Rebbe sends them there?" So the answer is, if the Rebbe sends a person somewhere, the Rebbe gives a bracha. And, as once Rabbi Pin[?] from Tunisia said to the Rebbe, [the Rebbe] sent him to live somewhere where there was no minyan and no mikvah — "how will I raise my children?" [The Rebbe] says, it's hard work — even if the Rebbe gives a bracha, you shouldn't rely on that alone. The Rebbe can only give a bracha if the parents also help out, if the parents put in the effort — the parents have to work on it. But it's easier, because the Rebbe gives a bracha — like the Rebbe told somebody, "I need a bracha for my son, he should sit and learn," and [the Rebbe] says, "I can give a bracha if he learns, if he puts in the effort, I can give a bracha and then he'll succeed — but if he doesn't learn, the bracha won't help." So even if the Rebbe sends someone and gives a bracha, it doesn't mean [success is automatic] — they have to answer this themselves, the parents have to work on it.

So here the Rebbe says that when it comes to moving a family in general, the feelings of the wife should be reckoned with — it's important that the wife [is considered]. A further important consideration is that, having been blessed with children, it is essential to live in a place that offers the best conditions for bringing them up in accordance with the tradition — the blessing of Torah in its fullest measure. If, nevertheless, there are doubts, then it's advisable to consult with certain friends about the situation and discuss it with them. But in general, a person should live in a makom Torah. This is because many people ask the Rebbe — there's probably confusion about where to live.

And Rabbi Mindel writes here that the Rebbe says many times that the lack of shalom bayis brings a feeling of depression, and the Rebbe gives advice about how to get rid of depression. This is the topic I wanted to mention in this program today. Please G-d, next week we'll continue our weekly program. Thank you.