Before Telling Off Another Person…

Welcome to our weekly program, The Inside Story of Chabad in America, through the Mindel Archives. This program is a continuation of two weeks ago, Parshas Kedoshim, and you can always click back and see it.

We learned there — it says about giving mussar, admonition, how you should give mussar. You have to know, it says, "Hochei'ach tochiach es amisecha" — you shall surely admonish your fellow — "v'lo siso alav cheit" — and you shall not bear sin because of him. That means that you don't embarrass somebody. You can tell somebody off if you need to, but without embarrassing them. It's important — when a person gives mussar — how, and to whom, and whether he should, and if he's allowed to give mussar, because mussar is very, very powerful. We should try to avoid giving mussar.

Now, talking about that — a few months ago, I think I mentioned in my program a letter from the Rebbe where one asked, "Why do I have to learn Chassidus? I can learn Mussar." So the Rebbe answered — which I'm not going to go into the whole thing, just I'll take out a nekudah, a point, for a minute. The Rebbe says like this: first of all, why do you have to learn Mussar, when in Chassidus there is already "sur meira" — go away from bad? That's Mussar — it tells you how bad this is, and you should go away from this, and sometimes it even says that you're going to be punished if you do this and this and this. This is basically Mussar — telling off, meaning negative and positive, you have to have both. But of course, I say, if you learn Mussar, the Mussar will be more powerful — the Mussar will be in a different way.

Also, the Rebbe says that there is an obligation to learn Chassidus — it's an obligation. There are six mitzvos — I mentioned this, I'll mention it again — the Rebbe mentions six mitzvos that are tadir, that are fulfilled twenty-four hours a day. You don't find this anywhere — only through Chassidus do you know this. These six mitzvos you are obligated to do all the time. Number one, he says here: believe in G-d — that tells you how to believe in G-d, not to believe in any other deity — to affirm His unity, to love Him, to fear Him, not to go astray after your heart and after your eyes. And we spoke about this — it doesn't mean simply "don't look," that's too easy — we spoke there about what it really means; that's a deeper meaning. These things you learn through Chassidus.

So, what you learn through Chassidus — your whole outlook on the world is different. You know, everyone says: when you put on blue glasses, the world is blue; when you put on green glasses, the world is green. The world itself is not blue, it's not green — that's the way you look at the world. So when you look at the world through the lens of Chassidus, the world is a completely different world.

But Mussar is something that you have to be on a special level to give. And in particular, it says: don't judge somebody — when you're giving Mussar to somebody, you're judging him, you're telling him off, "why did you do this and this" — if you were in his situation, maybe you would be the same; you are not in that situation, so who are you to give Mussar? Another thing is that it can bring on a kitrug — certain kitrugim, certain accusations, might start working, when you say something which is not good.

And this reminds me — it has nothing to do with this directly, but it reminds me — be careful what you say. Once, I remember, by Pesach — I remember the story — by the Rebbe [unclear name], upstairs in 770, [unclear] — the waiter served the soup on Pesach, and it wasn't real chometz, you know, but it looked like the kneidlach [unclear], like a potato starch — it looked like that. So somebody serving the Rebbe, a waiter, mentioned to somebody that it looked like chometz. The Rebbe heard the word, and immediately it was moved away — they didn't even want it, they didn't eat it — even to speak of it. You have to always be careful whatever you speak. And of course, especially regarding kanoius — zealotry — there, between zealotry and cruelty is a very, very thin line. You could be a kanoi, even in good things, but don't be a kanoi.

So, by learning Chassidus and stressing this, a person's whole Mussar will be different. Now, a person can ask: didn't we hear that Mussar — and as a matter of fact there were many times — also in Chassidus, the Rebbeim spoke very, very hard words, that they had to say certain things.

I remember — I remember when I was a bochur — once, there was a big baal habayis, a very kind person, a very good person, a very frum person, but he wasn't a big lamdan — he was not learned. And the Rebbe was speaking about [unclear posuk], and the Rebbe stopped in the middle, and looked at him, and said, "Nu, nu, Reb [unclear name], do you..." — he was shocked. I mean, he wasn't a lamdan, and everyone knew he wasn't. So what does it mean? It looked like he was embarrassed. So that's what we spoke about — the mesorah that came out from there, from the Frierdiker Rebbe, is that sometimes that person — we don't know, but Hashem knows — maybe he had to go through certain punishments, certain things, and by the Rebbe saying that to him, which looked like it embarrassed him, maybe that took away everything that could have [come to him]. But that's a tzaddik — that's what the Rebbe, blessed be he, [could do] — but we are not on that madreigah, to speak Mussar to somebody.

Many times, when the Rebbe did say a harsh word, he smiled afterwards, because it's not that the Rebbe wants to [embarrass someone].

I want to read to you just a small letter — how the Rebbe answered somebody who complained that people speak in shul during davening, and this person tells people off for talking, and the Rebbe answers him how he should tell them off — what kind of Mussar he should give a person, how he should give a person Mussar about talking. So I want to read this to you, to show you an example of how the Rebbe feels about a person giving Mussar.

This is a letter written in 5739:

"This is to acknowledge receipt of your letter, in which you write about the unbecoming conduct of some congregants in shul during prayer, and ask for some suggestions to deal with the problem.

I trust there is no need to emphasize to you at length that — this has always been the case, and especially nowadays — it is much easier to influence people in a cordial and pleasant way, as it is written, 'The ways of the Torah are ways of pleasantness, and all its paths are peace.' Thus, in order to be effective, it is necessary to make a personal approach, not in the presence of others, and certainly not publicly, which is also a [unclear]. And while it is a mitzvah in the Torah to admonish your fellow, the law requires that the first approach be made in a personal and quiet manner, not in the presence of others — since it concerns Jews who are observant and responsive to Torah and mitzvos, there is the assurance that words coming from the heart enter the heart, and are eventually effective.

In these days, when we learn Pirkei Avos, you surely remember the Mishnah which says, 'Be among the disciples of Aharon — loving peace, pursuing peace, loving creatures and bringing them close to the Torah.' Let it be remembered that Aharon was the Kohen Gadol, yet he did not consider it beneath him to go to people and speak to them personally, and do everything possible so that there should be true peace — peace between a Jew and his Father in Heaven, as well as peace between a Jew and another Jew, through proper conduct in accordance with the Torah."

This is how a person should act if he does want to give Mussar.

Here is another one — just another couple of minutes, I'm not going to read the whole thing. This is also about somebody who spoke loshon hora, and the Rebbe was very shocked that he spoke that way, and said, "I'm not used to this kind of speech." The Rebbe writes like this:

"What prompts me to reply to your letter at all is that, in trying to find some explanation for it — that he spoke, that he didn't speak good words about other people — the only conclusion I can come up with is that your tefillin are most likely not kosher, or your mezuzos are not [kosher], or both. I therefore consider it my duty to call your attention to it, with a view to having them checked and rectified. And though this, too, may prove — to use your expression — counterproductive, I will at least have done my duty. It is possible that at some future time you will reflect on the subject matter and reconsider your position. If you do, it will be helpful for you to note and look up the following sources referenced in the Shulchan Aruch, section 285, end of paragraph one. Should you wish to do something about it, you will be well advised to inform yourself of the ruling of the author of the Shulchan Aruch, Rabbi Yosef Karo, and then apologize to him in a suitable manner. On my part, the matter is closed."

And he signs there.

So this is how the Rebbe feels as far as telling off [someone]. So this is a continuation of Parshas Kedoshim. This is a lesson in how we should conduct ourselves, Hashem['s way]. Next week we will continue our Thursday night program. Thank you.