The Rebbetzin’s Refined Character

Welcome to our weekly program, the inside story of Chabad in America, through the Mindel archives. Being that we are a few days away from Yud Daled Kislev, the anniversary of the Rebbe's wedding, I want to say something about the Rebbetzin.

In the last program I said that this week we were going to discuss the correspondence between the Rebbe and dignitaries, but I'm going to leave that for another time, because before Yud Daled Kislev I want to mention something about the Rebbetzin. A few months ago we already discussed this, and I shared some stories with you about the Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka, and I don't want to repeat it again — you can always click back and see it. There's not much more that I can say; she was a very private person, she was an isha tzenua, she was a very hidden person.

How do I know this? I only met her once, and soon I'm going to tell you a story about when I met her. But I know this because the Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka didn't have many friends — what I mean by that is, we were all her friends, but I mean close friends, she didn't have many. The closest friend that she had — people used to come sometimes to visit her, call her — but a real friend, who spoke to her on the telephone for hours, who went to visit her all the time, for many years, was Manya. We already had a program about Manya. Manya was the nurse of the Frierdiker Rebbe; Manya was the nurse of the Rebbetzin, the Frierdiker Rebbe's mother. She was from Riga. She wasn't married yet when she was the nurse for the Frierdiker Rebbe's mother, who wasn't feeling well. So the Frierdiker Rebbe asked her, "Can you please come with me" — this was about 1940 — "to America, to be a nurse for my mother, [unclear — possibly a reference to the Frierdiker Rebbe's mother, Rebbetzin Shterna Sarah]." And she did so.

She lived with the Rebbetzin upstairs. The Rebbetzin did not live in 770, but Manya used to come every single day, and she got close to the Rebbetzin, and she was like a sister to her. From then on, for all the years, they were like sisters. She was like a daughter to the Frierdiker Rebbe. When the Frierdiker Rebbe used to give presents to his daughters before Yom Tov — before Sukkos, before Pesach — the Frierdiker Rebbe also gave to her. So she was very close, and I did hear a few things from her, and I think I mentioned it, but what she told me — knowing that the Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka was a very private person, a hidden person, an isha tzenua — I'm not going to discuss that, but I want to say four things about the Rebbetzin.

Number one: the Rebbe said that that day, Yud Daled Kislev, is the day that bound her to him and him to her. This was the connection between the Chassidim and the Rebbe — it was Yud Daled Kislev, because the Rebbe married the Frierdiker Rebbe's daughter. [Manya said] she was very modest — not only modest in clothes, she was modest in words. With her, it was feinkeit, her edelkeit — this is what I heard from Manya.

And also, of course, when she passed away, the Rebbe said many times — I don't know whether the Rebbe had said it before, but I know that when she passed away [he said something along these lines] — that you can learn from her, and her name was also [unclear].

And the last thing, the most important: she was the one who said that the Frierdiker Rebbe and the Rebbe belong to the Chassidim.

So, being this — to me it seems like she was like Sarah Imeinu. We learned a few weeks ago that when the malachim came to tell Sarah that she was going to have a child, it says there that she was — so she was like Sarah: her quiet, private demeanor, very refined, and her support for the Rebbe was within, within, within. She was very reserved.

Now I will tell you an experience that I had with the Rebbetzin — maybe I said it once before, I don't remember, but even if I did, I'll say it again. Manya the nurse lived in Long Beach, New York. Rabbi Mindel lived in Long Beach, New York. This was about two years after I got married — this was in the early 1950s, I was a young man then.

[Rabbi Mindel said to me:] "Can you take me to the Rebbetzin and drop me off on President Street, and go to the farbrengen — after the farbrengen you'll pick me up." In those days, if the farbrengen ran until two or three in the morning, this was in the early 1950s — so Rabbi Mindel dropped her off at the Rebbetzin's, and she sat there for hours, like she did many times.

Rabbi Mindel came to my home — he parked the car, he went in to the farbrengen — after the farbrengen he asked me, "Do me a favor — take the car, go to President Street, to the Rebbetzin, and pick up Manya, bring her here, and I'll take her back to her home in Long Beach."

So I did. I came to the Rebbetzin's home, I knocked on the door, she opened right away, and she said, "Come in." I was a young man, I had a black beard then, I had just gotten married. "Come in" — and with that, I don't know, I was finding [myself in front of] the Rebbetzin, and I was very nervous, and I said, "I'm here to pick up Manya." She said, "Okay, just a minute." She went in the back and told Manya to get ready. While Manya was getting ready, she came back to the door and said, "Come in and sit down." I didn't want to sit down, and I was standing, and she asked me how the family was — whatever she asked me, in English. I don't know why she spoke to me in English — I can speak English, but that's how it happened.

While she spoke to me, I felt my pocket — I had an envelope with a few dollars, but I couldn't find it, I didn't have it with me, and I was looking around, you know, like I thought maybe I had dropped it. So she saw I was nervous, and I said, "I hope I didn't leave anything here." So she looked at me, and she smiled, and she said, "Of course you left — you left a very good impression." This is the Rebbetzin. I'll never forget this story — her feinkeit, the way she treated people, the dignity she gave people. This is something that we can learn.

Now it also seems to me that when the Rebbe said the words "that day bound me to you and you to me," to Chassidim — the connection was very strong to Chassidim, because his connection to the Rebbetzin was also very strong. Meaning, as it says in the Chumash, in the parsha that we learned a few weeks ago, that Avraham, the husband of Sarah — the neshama was called "nisha," and "sarah" is the guf, the body. "Vatamas Sarah" — Sarah passed away, meaning the body passed away, there was no more body. It was in Kiryat Arba — because the four couples were buried there, that's what's called Arba, and this was Chevron.

But al pi [Chassidus] explains, as the Rebbe mentioned, b'peirush "Kiryat Arba" — where the guf, the body, is made out of four elements: eish (fire), mayim (water), ruach (air), afar (dust). When these four are connected, that's the body. Then Avraham comes to eulogize [lispod] and cry — because then his neshama is here but the guf is not here, and the whole purpose of the kavanah [of creation] is to have a neshama in a guf, and so he made a hesped.

Now, speaking about a hesped that I want to mention — in another letter the Rebbe said we don't make a hesped; the minhag is not to make a hesped. Avraham made a hesped — why don't we make a hesped? [The Rebbe] explains: we don't make a hesped because when a person passes away and goes to the other world, the true world — this world is called Olam HaSheker. That [other world] is true — true means a hundred percent, like they say somebody is pregnant — you don't say she's "a little pregnant," she's either pregnant or she's not pregnant, it has to be a hundred percent. So sometimes you cannot say — if you say too much [praise], it's not true sometimes, and if you say too little, that's also not true. That's not appropriate. So that's why we don't make a hesped — the best thing is not to. But by Sarah, since it says [every day of her life was equally good], it means every minute of her life was a hundred percent, so you can make a hesped, because every word you'd say would be [unclear — possibly "emes," true].

And this is how I can connect this to the Rebbetzin. The Rebbetzin gave the Rebbe encouragement to do whatever he did. Like Rabbi Mindel said, the Rebbe would never do something without [the involvement] of the Rebbetzin. And that's why, when she was alive, the Rebbe farbrenged — years back, the Rebbe would farbreng until late into the night. The Rebbe wasn't home in 770 — the Rebbe did many things, the Rebbe was hardly home. Other people weren't [sure], the Chassidim were [not sure] why the Rebbe was [out of] the house so much — it was the hiskashrus of the Chassidim, which she said, that came to the farbrengen.

So the Rebbe was there with the Rebbetzin, and she gave herself over completely to the Rebbe, because of the hiskashrus from the Rebbe to the Chassidim — this is what she wanted.

Now, when she passed away, the Rebbe stopped farbrenging — he didn't stop completely, he would farbreng Shabbos and Yom Tov — but on the weekdays, imagine, Yud Tes Kislev, such a big Yom Tov, [there was] no farbrengen; Yud Shvat, Purim, Yud Beis Tammuz, he didn't farbreng. It was a different hanhagah when she passed away.

So when she was here, she encouraged the Rebbe to do these things. Also, there was a shinui [change] before she passed away and after. There were letters — Rabbi Mindel used to come in and take dictation; all the English letters were written by Rabbi Mindel, he took dictation, most of [unclear]. When she passed away, there was Rabbi Hodakov calling, but there wasn't dictation. Rabbi Groner writes that the Rebbe called him in, and the Rebbe told him, and he would look at the previous letters and compose it, and the Rebbe said that before it goes out, you have to call Rabbi Mindel and make sure that he okays it. So it was a different hanhagah.

But when the Rebbetzin was here, it was completely different. Also, when she passed away, [regarding] the Rebbe's tzavaah [will] — a Rebbe doesn't have to write a will. Moshe Rabbeinu didn't leave a will, nor did Yaakov Avinu have to write one. The Rebbe called over [unclear], called [unclear] — this was after. Also, the Rebbe went to the Ohel much more often than before. So then it was completely different. When she was here, she encouraged the Rebbe to do a lot of things.

The next important thing, of course, which is the most important, as I mentioned, is the significance of the statement that the Rebbetzin made — that the Rebbe and the Frierdiker Rebbe belong to the Chassidim. This is a very important thing that the Rebbetzin left [us], and from this we can learn how the Rebbetzin viewed [her role], and we gain an understanding of how the Rebbe felt toward the Rebbetzin. This is her legacy.

Now, since we're a few days from Yud Daled Kislev, what can we learn from this? We can learn, first of all, that Kislev — it says "connected" — what does that mean? We have to connect. What does "connection" mean? It says in [the teaching] that the Rebbe and the Rebbetzin, their [ways], should be the same thing — we should learn from the Rebbe, we should learn from her ways, we should learn from the hanhagah of the Rebbe. Also, we have to know how a husband and wife — how he had to [treat] her and she had to [treat] him — how a person has to treat his wife, and the main thing, that's really how to talk to people, and everything.

Now, I once read — before I finish — I don't [recall] where, [a teaching] about the Rebbe, about kedusha: it says that in the word "tzadik" there are five letters — in the middle is the tzadik, then there are two letters before the tzadik and two letters after the tzadik. The letter next to the tzadik, on the right hand, is a "ches," and on the left hand is a "yud." When a person is close to a tzadik, that's "chai" — alive. But when a person is far from a tzadik, then the first letter is "mem" and the last letter is "sof" — then it's like "mes," dead.

So the idea is that we should learn from here that we should connect to Chassidim, through this, and may this be a joyous day, may it give us [strength] and clarity, and we should say that she was an isha tzenua — so we should all learn from her, her feinkeit, hashlama.

Next week we'll continue our weekly program. Thank you.