Why Chabad Women Insist on a Sheitel

Episode 52: "Why Chabad Women Insist on a Sheitel"

Welcome to our weekly program, The Inside Story of Chabad in America, through the Mindel Archives. This program is a continuation of last week, so I think it would be a good thing to listen to last week's program, because this is a continuation.

Today I want to share with you a discussion that I had with Rabbi Sholom Ber Goldstein. He told me he came here as a bochur from Israel in the late '40s. He was a very shy bochur, very quiet — you know, in those days, when you came from Israel, it was like you felt you might never see your parents again. So he came here, and since he was shy and quiet, the Rebbe took care of him. The Rebbe would always ask him every day what he was doing and what he needed.

When it came time for him to become a chassan, the Rebbe told him, "This girl is for you," "this girl is not for you." Finally he became a chassan. So he asked the Rebbe that the Rebbe should be the mesadeir kiddushin. In those days the Rebbe would be mesadeir kiddushin; this was his hope. The Rebbe said yes, but there was a condition: the kallah has to wear a sheitel, and the chassan has to have a beard. That was the rule — I think there were two or three exceptions where the chassan did not have a beard and the Rebbe was still mesadeir kiddushin, and there was a reason for that — but in general the Rebbe did not want to be mesadeir kiddushin if the chassan did not have a beard and the kallah did not wear a sheitel.

Now, as in a maamar I once mentioned, a beard is something very important — [this is mentioned by Reb Akiva Eiger? unclear]. Also, I believe the poskim mention that when people used to take an oath among Yidden, they would hold a Sefer Torah; but when they didn't have one, they would hold the beard, because a beard is tzelem Elokim. The Nazis didn't care to take pictures of the way they killed Yidden, but they did care to take pictures of two things: the way they tore and burned a Sefer Torah, and the way they cut off a Jew's beard, which is tzelem Elokim.

Unfortunately, there are many people nowadays who trim their beards or shave. I know that my father, all of a sudden, told me — he had such mesirus nefesh about it — he put a towel over his beard so that people would stop him and ask him why he wears a beard, so he would say he has a toothache. I mean, the beard is important, and now we live in America where there's no problem, and people trim their beards anyway. That's from a maamar.

Now, it says here that the Rebbe said about wearing a sheitel: this is the proper way of kisui rosh, covering the head, in the greatest degree of tznius. Wearing a sheitel has to do with the husband, the children, and the grandchildren. When a woman walks in the street and she has a sheitel, everybody knows that this is a religious woman walking. The difference between a sheitel and a tichel, a kerchief, is that a kerchief you can take off very easily, but a sheitel is not something you can just take off — so it's good to wear a sheitel. Another reason why a sheitel is better than the kerchief: with a kerchief, sometimes you can see a bit of hair peeking out, but with a sheitel it's fully covered, you can't see any hair. Nowadays sheitlach are even nicer than before — now it's no problem — but in those days a sheitel was a big mesirus nefesh; many women didn't want to wear a sheitel. So this was the condition the Rebbe set.

Another reason for the sheitel: years ago, when a woman was not loyal to her husband, they would uncover her hair. So when a woman walked in the street with her hair uncovered, people knew she was a woman who wasn't loyal to her husband. Someone asked in a letter — very interesting — why doesn't the Rebbe come out and say that a woman should shave her head, so there's no hair at all? So the Rebbe answered: no, we should not shave the hair, because when a woman shaves her hair, she takes away from her womanhood — she loses her womanhood. The Rebbe was very careful about how she feels. The point is not to shave, but to cover the hair. That's very important.

Now, going back to Rabbi Goldstein: he told his kallah that she has to wear a sheitel, because otherwise the Rebbe would not be mesadeir kiddushin. So she said, "I'm sorry, I'm not going to wear a sheitel." He was very upset — I think it was through a relative — and he spoke to her for three hours. She said no. Afterward she thought that he was going to break the shidduch because she wasn't going to wear a sheitel, and that he felt he had to be firm about it. So she started to cry. She cried and said to him, "I come from [a place] — I don't know where — my parents are not here. What does Hashem want from me? Now I'm going to have a broken engagement." She thought he would break it off, and she cried, "What does God want from me?"

When he heard that, he said to her, "Why would I break this off? We'll see, we'll have time, maybe you'll change your mind — but I will never break this." When she heard that her soul was so important to him, she said, "Okay, I will wear the sheitel." That's what he told me, and he told this to the Rebbe, and the Rebbe was very, very [moved].

The Rebbe told them something that's not relevant now, but the main point was that she agreed to wear the sheitel. Then he asked the Rebbe, "Why did you do this for me, that you should take care of me?" So the Rebbe answered him — and this is the lashon he told me — "Whatever has to be done, has to be done." And even after that, the Rebbe always asked how he was doing.

So, around the time of his marriage, the Rebbe told him, "You should learn Pirkei Avos with your wife the first year — or maybe half a year — after the marriage, I'm not sure, every Shabbos. You shouldn't skip a week with her. It's very important." Then the Rebbe said, in a joking manner, "I want to tell you something in Pirkei Avos" — this was said in a joking manner — "but don't tell her until after the first year of marriage; then you can tell her." He was very close to the Rebbe.

What was the pasuk that the Rebbe mentioned? Again, in a joking manner, it says in Pirkei Avos: "Yehi beischa pasuach lirvacha" — your home should be open to the poor. It means that you should have a home with an atmosphere of an open home. A Yid should have an open home, so that poor people should know they are welcome — this is a home that you can walk into, have a cup of coffee, have a place at the table, and not a closed home.

I've mentioned before that in the early years in America, some homes — before you come in you have to take off your shoes outside, and then the carpet is so thick you sink into it and can't even get out. But that's not the kind of home the Rebbe meant — a home of hachnosas orchim; you have to have an open home.

Then it says in Pirkei Avos: "Ve'al tarbeh sicha im ha'isha" — don't talk excessively with your wife. What connection does this have to the first part, about having an open house where poor people can walk in? So the explanation is: it's possible that when you've established this open home, and people are going to come to you and say, "Can I come to you for Shabbos?" you'll say yes, and you'll bring guests home. Your wife will open the door and say, "Why did you bring guests? First of all, you never told me, and why did you do it?" So that's why it says, "don't talk excessively" — this is only a hint.

But the Rebbe spoke many times over the years about the role of women nowadays. Women have an influence on the husband, because they have the koach of separating — just like they have the three mitzvos: Challah, Niddah, and Hadlokas Haneiros. They take a piece of dough and separate challah, they make a brocha, separating between gashmiyus and ruchniyus. They tell the husband when it's time to observe taharas hamishpacha. And also, with hadlokas haneiros, when a woman lights candles and says "Good Shabbos," everybody knows that Shabbos has arrived. So she has the koach of separating.

And, as the Rebbe says, a child is Jewish depending on the mother, not the father, and she is the akeres habayis — she is the mainstay of the house. She makes the home, and she has the koach to separate.

So this was a continuation of last week. This is the biggest symbol that a person can have in Hashem. We should learn from this lesson, and with Hashem's help, next week we will continue our Thursday night program. Thank you.