The Questions the Rebbe Asked a Chosson

The Questions the Rebbe Asked a Chosson

Welcome to our weekly program, The Inside Story of Chabad in America, through the Mindel Archives. Today's program will be based on some of Rabbi Mindel's articles, some of which have the Rebbe's notations about shidduchim. Since we are now in the parsha of Chayei Sarah, which speaks about the shidduch between Yitzchak and Rivkah, we will speak about what Rabbi Mindel wrote about shidduchim and about the role of women. What is the goal? How should a person—whether he needs to get married or she needs to get married—go about a shidduch? And what lesson can we learn from this?

This week, in Chayei Sarah, Avraham Avinu asked Eliezer to promise him that he would not take a girl from Canaan for Yitzchak—that he should be very careful about what family the girl came from. So Eliezer made a siman, a sign. In other words, he made a sign: if he saw the way the girl gave water to the camels, if he saw that she was a baalas chesed, he would know that this was a girl who belonged—who should belong—to the family of Avraham.

Later we learn that when Yitzchak came and saw Rivkah, she covered herself, and then Yitzchak took her into the tent. When Yitzchak saw that she was tzanua, modest, like his mother Sarah—of whom it is said, kevudah bas melech penimah, as we learned in the previous parshios—we know that the home of Avraham was a home of hachnasas orchim, and we know it was full of gemilus chassadim, of chesed.

Now, he brought her into the tent. When he brought her into the tent, he also saw that it says that when Sarah was alive, there was a ner dolek, a candle that burned from Erev Shabbos to Erev Shabbos; there was a bracha in the dough that she made; and there was a cloud over the tent. And when Sarah passed away, these things stopped. As soon as he brought Rivkah into the tent, the ner dolek began to burn again from Erev Shabbos to Erev Shabbos, there was a bracha in the dough, and there was a cloud over the tent. So he saw: she is like my mother, so this confirms that I should marry her.

So Rabbi Mindel says on this—and the Rebbe made a very interesting notation there—every Friday night we say in Eishes Chayil: "Sheker hachein vehevel hayofi, isha yiras Hashem hi tis-halal"—false is grace, and beauty is vain; a woman who fears Hashem, she shall be praised.

So he asked the question: what do you mean, beauty and charm are nothing, false, by a Jewish woman? It says that all Jewish women are beautiful. Besides, the Torah says Sarah was beautiful. If beauty were nothing, the Torah would not mention it. The Torah says Rivkah was beautiful. Rachel was beautiful. If not for the beauty of Esther HaMalkah, we would not have had the miracle of Purim—the reason we have the miracle of Purim is because Esther HaMalkah was beautiful; that's why she was married [to the king]. So we see the importance of beauty. So why do we say, "Sheker hachein vehevel hayofi, isha yiras Hashem hi tis-halal"?

So he writes: Sheker hachein—"hachein" is spelled with three letters: hey, ches, and nun. Hey is Hadlokas HaNeiros, Ches is Challah, and Nun is Niddah. The Aibeshter gave a woman three mitzvos: lighting candles, challah, and taharas hamishpacha.

Sheker hachein—when the hey is sheker, sheker doesn't mean a woman who doesn't light candles. It means she doesn't do it mitoch, from within; she only wants to be yotzei, to do it superficially. She lights candles, but that moment—that comes at the time of lighting candles on Friday, after giving tzedakah—that is a very holy moment for a Jewish woman, a very important moment. She can ask the Aibeshter not only for her family but for anything she wants. She can ask the Aibeshter for banei, chayei, u'mezonei revichei—children, life, and ample sustenance—when she puts her hands over her eyes. That is a very important moment. But if she does it fast, as if it's not important, just to be yotzei—when that is sheker, it's called false; it's not the real thing, it's not the way a woman should light candles.

When the hey is sheker, or the ches, challah—the Aibeshter gave her that she bakes challah. She takes a piece of dough from the gashmiyusdike dough and separates it, puts it on the fire, and makes a bracha. The Aibeshter gave her the opportunity to make a bracha. But she says, why do I have to make a bracha, I can go to the store and buy challah—when that is sheker, it's not the real thing. I hope I'm not going to make any bakery lose customers. But that's called sheker. I remember when I was young, I used to come home from yeshiva Friday, and I would smell the challah—you could smell Shabbos. And she makes a bracha. In other words, she takes something gashmiyusdik and makes it ruchniyusdik. She makes the kitchen a ruchniyusdike kitchen. That's how people should live in the family. But when that is sheker—

Or nun, taharas hamishpacha. Taharas hamishpacha means she has to get ready. Every month she should learn the dinim of taharas hamishpacha, the relationship between husband and wife, going to the mikveh, to have healthy children. It's very, very important—but it depends on who is doing it, of course.

But when hadlokas haneiros is sheker, when challah is sheker, when niddah is sheker, then hevel hayofi, he says. And the Rebbe made a notation there: then beauty is nothing. Beauty is very important, but it's only important if you have those three things. Today a person is beautiful, and tomorrow, or in half a year, the nose changes, and he becomes a different person—that's not real beauty. When the Torah says that Sarah Imeinu was beautiful, when the Torah says that Rivkah, Rachel, or Esther HaMalkah were beautiful, it's because they had ruchniyusdike beauty. So when these three things—hadlokas haneiros, challah, niddah—are sheker, then hevel hayofi. Why? Because "isha yiras Hashem hi tis-halal"—a woman who fears Hashem, she shall be praised.

This is the real idea: when Yitzchak saw that Rivkah had these qualities, like his mother, he said, this will be the mother of Klal Yisrael, who will bring forth Yaakov Avinu, and she becomes a true akeres habayis. And the mutual respect between husband and wife is very, very important—she respects him, and he respects her.

I remember there was a maaseh about how a woman has to show respect. I read somewhere that Rebbetzin Rivkah, the wife of the Rebbe Maharash, was once in a room with him, and when she went out her dress got caught in the door. She was on the other side, and the Rebbe Maharash was inside. She didn't want to knock and disturb him by asking him to get up, so she stood there—I don't know how many hours—until he opened the door and asked her, what are you doing here? She told him what had happened. But this is the derech eretz, the respect a wife must have for her husband.

Now, we spoke about her—what about him, what is his responsibility?

I want to show you something. When we got married, at that time we used to go into yechidus with the Rebbe. We, the chassanim, used to go in. Let's say several chassanim got married in the same month, so one evening we all went in separately; the Rebbe kept each of us for a minute or two to give a bracha before the chasunah. At that time, there was a bachur who went in to the Rebbe. Usually we went in for a minute or two, but he was there for fifteen minutes. Rabbi Groner tried to open the door in the middle—what could a bachur be doing with the Rebbe for so long—but he closed the door again. Then the bachur came out, and he told some of his close friends what happened.

The Rebbe had asked him, did you make a hachana—did you prepare for the chasunah? He said yes. The Rebbe said, vos—what? So he said, he rented an apartment. The Rebbe said, good. Then the Rebbe said, vos noch—what else? He said, he also painted the apartment. The Rebbe said, vos noch? He said, he bought a bedroom set. The Rebbe said, vos noch? He said, he got some things for the kitchen. He didn't know what the Rebbe meant. The Rebbe said, vos noch? So he said, he also bought a hat. The Rebbe still said [vos noch]—he thought the Rebbe meant something in ruchniyus, so he said, I also received smicha. And then he had nothing more to say.

So the Rebbe told him that the preparation for a chasunah, before you build a bayis ne'eman b'Yisrael, the first thing is you put up a mezuzah. You have an apartment, you said—you put up a mezuzah. And it says in the sefarim—the Rebbe said it's not from him, it says in the sefarim—that the word "mezuzah" breaks apart into mem, zu, and zeh.

Mem is forty: when Moshe was on Har Sinai, he received the Torah; he was there forty days and forty nights. So mem stands for Torah. I'm not saying it exactly the way the Rebbe told it, but this is more or less what he conveyed. Torah she-be'al peh also begins with a mem and ends with a mem. So mem is Torah. When you prepare, you have to know that this home will be a home of Torah—you should learn Torah, that this home should be a home of Torah.

Zu goes on B'nei Yisrael. I'm not sure exactly how the Rebbe put it, but zu refers to the Yidden—that the home should be a home of hachnasas orchim, that people should know this is an open home, a Yiddishe home, a home like Avraham Avinu's. Not like some homes in America today—I've walked into fancy homes where they have slippers standing there, you have to change your shoes, and then you step onto a carpet so thick that you can barely get out. That is not the way Avraham Avinu's home was. A home should be a home of farbrengen, a home of chassidishkeit—that is a home.

Zeh—when you have Torah and hachnasas orchim, then "zeh Keili v'anveihu," then "ish v'isha, Shechinah shruyah beineihem." And this is what the husband should know.

Now, in another letter, the Rebbe mentioned: people get married, and later, baruch Hashem, they have children, they live, and sometimes it happens—he didn't say machlokes, but it becomes a matter of different opinions. They have different opinions, different arguments about certain things. So what should they think?

My father-in-law writes: why does a chosson give a kallah a plain ring under the chuppah, not a diamond ring? He writes that it is so that she should have her mind on the chosson, not on the twenty-thousand-dollar ring. But, he writes, why specifically a plain ring? Because, just in case, if a diamond ring falls on the floor and breaks, you can fix it—but whoever knows, a professional can always tell where the damage was, even if you fix it; there is still a spot you can tell. When you give a plain ring, and it falls on the floor and breaks, then you fix it, and you can't even tell it was ever broken.

And that is why he gives her a plain ring: to remind the husband and wife, always think back to how we were under the chuppah, the happiest time of our lives. So when we have differences, chilukei dei'os, this will remind us, and this will bring shalom.

And this is the lesson of tonight's program. So I think this is what the Rebbe means by this letter: that when we follow in the ways of our forebears, this is called a yesod in Torah and mitzvah, and this will bring shalom bayis forever.

Thank you.