Somachat Alayich - Episode 04 - The Bar Approach

00:00 Speaker 1 Happy for you.

00:01 Speaker 2 Happy for you.

00:03 Speaker 1 Michal Levitin, how are you?

00:04 Speaker 2 Boruch Hashem. Chani Marzel, how are you?

00:06 Speaker 1 So here we are together again. Coming all the way from Lod to Bnei Brak. It’s just fun to meet and talk.

00:14 Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.

00:15 Speaker 1 How’s the feedback? I got some about the last episode, with the balloon seller. Do you know how many girls—women now—remember that part?

00:27 Speaker 2 No, it came back to me too. Yes, very much.

00:29 Speaker 1 And to bring that story full circle: on that committee with the... with the teachers, the person who really led the committee and was in favor the whole time was my mother.

00:39 Speaker 2 I didn’t remember that.

00:40 Speaker 1 You didn’t know that.

00:41 Speaker 2 And when you told me, I said, “Wow, now it all makes sense.”

00:46 Speaker 1 Because you two have a very special connection.

00:48 Speaker 2 Your mother covered for me in twelfth grade, at the graduation ceremony. She was my homeroom teacher. There was a graduation ceremony, and that day I had a performance in Vienna. I mean, a flight to perform in Vienna—the first time I was flying abroad for a performance.

01:00 Speaker 1 You went international.

01:02 Speaker 2 And I bring my mother to the ceremony, knowing I have to rush off to the airport any minute.

01:07 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.

01:08 Speaker 2 And... I ask your mother—she’s the only one who knows I have to fly. I tell her right then, yes; she didn’t know beforehand. I say, “I have a flight. I have to perform. Is there any chance you could move my name up so they call me sooner?” She says, “There’s no... wait, it’s in the middle of everything. There’s nothing I can do.” I said, “Yes, but my mother’s here, and I want to get my diploma.” So your mother says, “Do you need that diploma?”

01:33 Speaker 1 She asked you that?

01:34 Speaker 2 “Do you need it?” I told her no. “Then go.”

01:38 Speaker 1 And how did your mother react?

01:40 Speaker 2 Exactly the same way. I said to her, “Mom, maybe you could stay and get the diploma? I’ll go.” She says, “What do I need the diploma for? Come on.”

01:47 Speaker 1 So, speaking of diplomas.

01:48 Speaker 2 Yes.

01:49 Speaker 1 When you were on our podcast, you said, “I have a birth certificate.”

01:53 Speaker 2 Right.

01:54 Speaker 1 And ever since, I’ve been using that line about myself, because basically, that’s what I have. I also say that my high school diploma doesn’t count as far as I’m concerned, because there was a lot about it that wasn’t much of a diploma.

02:05 Speaker 2 Yes.

02:07 Speaker 1 I just want to talk about this whole subject of diplomas and what they mean. Because—

02:13 Speaker 2 Listen, one day somebody got up and decided you need a diploma.

02:16 Speaker 1 Why? I’m genuinely asking—

02:19 Speaker 2 Some way of getting everyone in society into line.

02:22 Speaker 1 Ultimately, since you said “birth certificate,” I’ve come to understand that that’s the certificate. The fact that Hakadosh Boruch Hu brought us into the world. He believes in us and trusts us, and it’s up to us to prove ourselves.

02:34 Speaker 2 Right.

02:34 Speaker 1 And from there, you can only grow and develop and... be engaged in doing good.

02:40 Speaker 2 Right.

02:41 Speaker 1 And then, the second we’re born, they measure our weight, measure this, measure that.

02:46 Speaker 2 Everything goes on a... they even call it a curve. How do you expect people to grow up straight and happy and good when it starts with a curve? Thank Hashem she didn’t come out crooked! What is this—

02:57 Speaker 1 All the terminology and...

03:00 Speaker 2 The measurements and everything, it’s—

03:01 Speaker 1 Then this week I saw some responses. I want to talk with you about today’s episode. I want to talk with you about the club and the responses you’re getting. But when you spoke about something, someone told you, “It’s backed by research.” As if there are researchers, while we’re just sitting here coming up with some theory.

03:16 Speaker 2 Right, right. Someone wrote to me that there really is research on people who bring joy, that they build emotional resilience, and on how humor really builds resilience—emotional resilience—at home. Research. There’s actually research on it.

03:29 Speaker 1 It’s really what you’ve been showing for years, which led you to open the club. So what did that do for you?

03:37 Speaker 2 Not much. I mean, great.

03:43 Speaker 1 I saw it and replied to you that it’s amazing how two women with nothing but birth certificates suddenly get that validation. And ultimately, through what we’re doing here, there’s something we’re building.

03:54 Speaker 2 Look, research is done on things that work in practice. So—

03:59 Speaker 1 Someone had to start it.

04:00 Speaker 2 Someone had to start it. So great, okay, I’m happy to be part of the research. I mean, it’s not something that suddenly—

04:07 Speaker 1 No, but it’s like you’re getting a professional stamp of approval.

04:12 Speaker 2 That’s nice.

04:14 Speaker 1 Because? Because people in the world still want that?

04:17 Speaker 2 There’s a place for it, yes. There are still people who believe in research, who take it seriously, who go by it. Less and less, though—

04:26 Speaker 1 We can see—

04:27 Speaker 2 These days, anyone can say, “Studies show.” Nobody checks who conducted the studies or who decided what they show.

04:31 Speaker 1 I posted something about a messy house.

04:33 Speaker 2 Exactly. “Studies show” a messy house means high emotional intelligence. “Studies show” a woman needs more sleep because her brain requires more. There are lots of studies these days—

04:42 Speaker 1 No, today you can go to AI and it’ll write it for you and even give you sources and links that you’re never going to open.

04:48 Speaker 2 Exactly. Totally. So...

04:51 Speaker 1 So let’s get down for a moment—

04:51 Speaker 2 But still, it’s important. I mean, it really is important to give it that... that intellectual basis, because there are women who really need it in order to... Listen, what is this club I run? Basically, I teach women very, very practical tools for bringing joy into the home. People who are born with that don’t need the... okay, they have that natural side, and they... I believe there are other stand-up comedians like me who never get onstage, and their homes are very happy and funny and positive and good. There are people like that. So I really put it into rational tools for people who still believe in research. You understand? Who need the—

05:33 Speaker 1 Can I call you a teacher? At the end of the day, you’re a teacher.

05:37 Speaker 2 Let’s call it something else.

05:40 Speaker 1 At the end of the day, you—

05:41 Speaker 2 But okay.

05:41 Speaker 1 A mentor. Because when you come and learn something from someone, that person is a mentor. They guide you—

05:47 Speaker 2 But, but—

05:47 Speaker 1 An instructor. They show you what they have. The fact that you’ve organized it into a method and can convey it in clear words, rather than just saying, “Here, make the recipe however you think best”—

05:57 Speaker 2 Right.

05:58 Speaker 1 That makes it something very... it has a beginning, a middle, an end, a process, practice. There’s—

06:04 Speaker 2 Exactly.

06:05 Speaker 1 There’s something to it.

06:05 Speaker 2 So that’s why—again—I’m not dismissing those tools: the research, the structure, the starting point, that rational side of things. Because ultimately, what I want is to teach every woman to be—

06:19 Speaker 1 Okay.

06:20 Speaker 2 A stand-up comedian mom in her own home.

06:22 Speaker 1 So let’s talk about the club for a moment. I feel like you’re living and breathing it already.

06:25 Speaker 2 Wow, yes.

06:25 Speaker 1 You’re living and breathing it, and you have a club, and it also has a very—

06:31 Speaker 2 Yes.

06:31 Speaker 1 Distinctive structure.

06:32 Speaker 2 Right.

06:32 Speaker 1 I’m with you behind the scenes and I see what’s going on. But I don’t see the responses, because you receive them and share a little.

06:39 Speaker 2 Right.

06:40 Speaker 1 I think you share very little, actually. It’s like—

06:42 Speaker 2 I share a little because I feel uncomfortable.

06:44 Speaker 1 What makes you uncomfortable?

06:45 Speaker 2 It’s uncomfortable. It’s an overwhelming number of incredible compliments. I mean—

06:49 Speaker 1 Okay, and what do you feel? When you get a compliment like that, what do you feel?

06:53 Speaker 2 I don’t... I don’t want to become arrogant, so—

06:56 Speaker 1 You’re afraid of arrogance?

06:57 Speaker 2 It’s not that I’m afraid of arrogance, but, in a way... okay, I’m doing... I...

07:08 Speaker 1 Then let me ask you a different question.

07:10 Speaker 2 I promised something, and I’m delivering on it. So why should I get carried away with myself? I mean—

07:14 Speaker 1 One second. Before you share the responses, tell me about one really, really meaningful piece of feedback about the club that touched you, because I want to move from there to another question.

07:27 Speaker 2 I can read you the responses. But what touched me was: “I’m a different mother. I’ve become a different mother.”

07:37 Speaker 1 I think you posted one today: “It’s a shame you didn’t open the club a few years earlier.”

07:43 Speaker 2 I get that all the time. All the time.

07:45 Speaker 1 Wow.

07:45 Speaker 2 Yes. “Where were you thirty years ago? Where were you before—”

07:48 Speaker 1 Okay, so what happens for you when you get a message like that?

07:53 Speaker 2 It... it warms my heart. I’m happy. It puts me in a good place, because I tell myself, okay, I’m doing what I promised, what I said I would do. It’s happening.

08:06 Speaker 1 Wait, let’s say—

08:07 Speaker 2 It’s working.

08:08 Speaker 1 If you didn’t get that, would it mean you hadn’t done what you promised?

08:10 Speaker 2 When I opened the club, I really expected to get feedback like that: “I’m a different mother.”

08:19 Speaker 1 Okay. But there could also be a mother in the club who tells you, “I’m not a different mother.”

08:24 Speaker 2 Right.

08:24 Speaker 1 So what happens then?

08:26 Speaker 2 Well, she got an atmosphere, an approach, and tools. She can use them, or she can choose not to. Again, I can’t—

08:33 Speaker 1 Can I give you my two cents?

08:34 Speaker 2 Yes.

08:35 Speaker 1 From where I stand.

08:35 Speaker 2 Okay.

08:36 Speaker 1 That I’m also doing things and getting feedback. Baruch Hashem, these days I get a lot of feedback about how I’ve made, and continue to make, artificial intelligence accessible.

08:46 Speaker 2 Right.

08:46 Speaker 1 With Pop AI and all the other things that really make it accessible. So I get very, very warm, very moving feedback. And these days, I feel like I’ve taught myself to accept it, because I used to push it away: “No, it’s not me.” You know, even when it came from a place of being proud of myself and all that.

09:04 Speaker 2 No, so I don’t push it away, but—

09:06 Speaker 1 What I’m saying is, today I know how to embrace it and be grateful, but to thank Hakadosh Boruch Hu.

09:11 Speaker 2 Of course.

09:12 Speaker 1 Just to feel connected to that channel.

09:14 Speaker 2 Right.

09:15 Speaker 1 Wow! Thank You, Hashem, for choosing to send this abundance through me.

09:18 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

09:18 Speaker 1 And when you’re connected to the channel, you work on making that channel good and able to receive. But it isn’t mine, and I think that, in the experience—

09:28 Speaker 2 Of course, we talked about that too. Yes, the whole idea of being a channel. Absolutely, absolutely. I immediately thank Hakadosh Boruch Hu that I managed to convey it the way I wanted to.

09:40 Speaker 1 So, just as a friend, I’d suggest you let go of the promise. I mean, you know you’re giving it everything you can and doing it as professionally as possible.

09:53 Speaker 2 Right.

09:54 Speaker 1 Now let’s talk for a moment about the abundance you’re giving there.

09:58 Speaker 2 Wow.

09:58 Speaker 1 Because at the end of the day—okay, there’s the status.

10:01 Speaker 2 Yes, that’s also a complaint from the club members. “We can’t keep up with—”

10:06 Speaker 1 We can’t keep up.

10:06 Speaker 2 With all the content.

10:07 Speaker 1 And by the way, when you pour lots and lots of abundance into a small vessel, it can’t contain it, and it can even break.

10:17 Speaker 2 Right.

10:17 Speaker 1 So we need to think about the amounts and how to do things there. What I suggested in our last Zoom conversation was that there’s a buffet with so much abundance—

10:29 Speaker 2 Right.

10:29 Speaker 1 And each woman can take what she— Even if she takes just one thing from it—

10:33 Speaker 2 Wow.

10:33 Speaker 1 It’s worth what she paid, and it—

10:35 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

10:35 Speaker 1 And it changes her life.

10:36 Speaker 2 Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.

10:37 Speaker 1 In other words, go with the buffet approach.

10:39 Speaker 2 Exactly. You know, just the Shabbos Stage that I—

10:43 Speaker 1 Tell us about it.

10:43 Speaker 2 Send on Thurs—

10:44 Speaker 1 Tell us about that stage.

10:45 Speaker 2 Thursday. Basically, it came from the idea of giving the mother a place at the Shabbos table. So often we get to the Shabbos table exhausted. We don’t have the energy to talk, or even to listen to anyone. It’s like, “Let’s finish eating, let me go to sleep.” And I think that’s such a huge missed opportunity. It really comes from wanting to restore the mother’s place. She’s the— Yes, they sing Eishes Chayil to her, but her husband is always concentrating and doesn’t see her; he’s with the angels.

11:11 Speaker 1 No, but let’s get into Eishes Chayil. What’s your issue with it?

11:15 Speaker 2 Eishes Chayil, yes. Good thing she—

11:17 Speaker 1 Jumps right in.

11:17 Speaker 2 Good thing she was up again during the night, okay. Okay, good thing she—

11:24 Speaker 1 The main thing is, Eishes Chayil.

11:25 Speaker 2 Totally. Good thing her husband, you know, doesn’t notice exactly what he’s singing there.

11:30 Speaker 1 Okay.

11:31 Speaker 2 It’s a dvar Torah connected to the theme of the month. It’s short and lovely, with a good message that the mother can read aloud even if she’s terribly tired.

11:42 Speaker 1 It’s connected to the weekly parsha.

11:43 Speaker 2 The weekly parsha.

11:45 Speaker 1 And to the language—

11:45 Speaker 2 To the language of the club, which also lifts the mother up. I mean, it really gives her a stage. She’s directing things here, she’s the—

11:53 Speaker 1 And what did we add there?

11:54 Speaker 2 A family game! Wow, listen, that’s really one of the best things. Everyone joins in.

12:04 Speaker 1 What are you hearing about it?

12:05 Speaker 2 I’m hearing, “Finally, the kids aren’t running away from the table. Finally, there’s laughter at the table. Finally, there’s—”

12:13 Speaker 1 Joy.

12:14 Speaker 2 Joy and everyone taking part, and they look forward to next week, to the next game. It’s...

12:19 Speaker 1 So you see? There’s this whole Shomachat Alayich buffet. I only took— I just haven’t had time, because there’s this and there are the discussions and the video and a tool and an exercise and—

12:30 Speaker 2 And there are monthly things.

12:31 Speaker 1 It really, really is a lot. I took the mother’s stage.

12:36 Speaker 2 Right.

12:36 Speaker 1 It gives me my place. Is it worth it?

12:39 Speaker 2 It’s worth it.

12:39 Speaker 1 Is it worth this training room?

12:41 Speaker 2 It’s worth it.

12:41 Speaker 1 It’s worth it.

12:42 Speaker 2 It’s worth it.

12:42 Speaker 1 So I think that’s something you need to talk about and explain, because I also see women saying in their feedback, “Wow, but how?” The overload, the overload, the overload of our lives means that, as you said, when so much abundance is poured out, it’s like—

12:59 Speaker 2 I also want to make it clear that, with everything going on in my own life, I really, really understand women who tell me, “Listen, we want to join the club, but we know we won’t have time.”

13:10 Speaker 1 Exactly.

13:11 Speaker 2 And that really is a valid point.

13:15 Speaker 1 Right.

13:15 Speaker 2 What I want to say is that everything I do in the club is meant to free up time in your life.

13:22 Speaker 1 Explain that.

13:23 Speaker 2 I want to explain. If you practice once a week—I send a video that’s three to five minutes long, maximum, explaining a tool for dealing with fights with the kids, stopping arguments, or taking time for yourself—

13:39 Speaker 1 Or choosing joy.

13:39 Speaker 2 Choosing joy.

13:40 Speaker 1 Victimhood.

13:41 Speaker 2 Right. And you practice it. You watch it and put it into practice right away. It’s as practical a tool as you can get. If you give yourself those three minutes to listen and try it, you save a huge amount of time spent fighting with the kids, arguing, overthinking, feeling guilty, feeling like a victim—

14:01 Speaker 1 But what happens is, you’re saying, “If she’s already opened the video—”

14:06 Speaker 2 Right.

14:07 Speaker 1 And there’s so much going on—then there’s the group, and then— And in our heads we’re also thinking, “Okay, I didn’t watch last week’s video, so I won’t watch this week’s.”

14:16 Speaker 2 No, so that’s—

14:16 Speaker 1 Ultimately, each one stands on its own.

14:18 Speaker 2 Stands on its own.

14:18 Speaker 1 There is a process here, but each one also stands on its own.

14:20 Speaker 2 Right. Even if you open the video from two weeks ago now, you’ll find something you can do with it.

14:24 Speaker 1 I can tell you my daughter watches them on repeat, so she’s already in the club, preparing for—

14:29 Speaker 2 There are single women in the club, you know.

14:31 Speaker 1 No, she’s a child. She’s thirteen.

14:33 Speaker 2 I know, but still, there are single women who joined because they’re interested in—

14:37 Speaker 1 Absolutely.

14:37 Speaker 2 They want to prepare themselves, and that’s wonderful. Yes, the examples are about children, but a smart young woman can take that same example and apply it today or tomorrow with an annoying teacher or with—I don’t know—anyone she meets. In the end, it teaches interpersonal relationships and—

14:58 Speaker 1 Now, what’s different about what you show on your status? Speaking of which, yesterday I shared the haircut with Briani[?].

15:07 Speaker 2 Right.

15:07 Speaker 1 And absolutely, absolutely, someone who watches that—

15:11 Speaker 2 Not every day. Not every day.

15:12 Speaker 1 By the way, you also have to spend about five minutes on it.

15:14 Speaker 2 What do you have to do?

15:15 Speaker 1 To watch it, you also have to give five minutes of your time.

15:18 Speaker 2 Yes, right, right.

15:18 Speaker 1 You can spend time on your status to wa—

15:20 Speaker 2 Exactly. People are doing that anyway, so they might as well come in and practice.

15:23 Speaker 1 So what’s the difference? Why do I need a club?

15:27 Speaker 2 Because there’s a difference between being impressed by how I reacted—

15:32 Speaker 1 And knowing what I did.

15:32 Speaker 2 And knowing what I did.

15:34 Speaker 1 Okay.

15:35 Speaker 2 What was going through my mind that made me react that way.

15:38 Speaker 1 Okay, and the club is also something you pay for.

15:41 Speaker 2 Right.

15:42 Speaker 1 I think that, given the abundance of what’s offered, if you don’t use the buffet approach and instead think, “I’m in the club, so I have to do everything in the club,” the vessel is too small. I mean, the price is small compared with everything that’s offered, with all that abundance.

15:57 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

15:59 Speaker 1 Breaking it down as a buffet can really work. Think of an actual buffet with so many things on it. A woman is given a cup, and it isn’t very big, so she simply chooses what to fill it with.

16:12 Speaker 2 Right, right.

16:13 Speaker 1 And that’s her cup. She paid ninety-seven shekels, seventy-nine shekels—it doesn’t mat— The point is that once she pays, she can choose what to take, fill her cup, and bring it into her life.

16:25 Speaker 2 Right.

16:25 Speaker 1 That’s basically the idea.

16:26 Speaker 2 Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. Look, again, there’s inspiration on the status. That’s true.

16:32 Speaker 1 But she wants it in her own life, in her own home. I mean, she wants what she saw Michal do in my home, not to be Michal—because we’ve already talked about how Michal isn’t—

16:43 Speaker 2 No.

16:44 Speaker 1 Not from every angle, the good and the less good. Come on, everyone has the gifts they received from Hakadosh Boruch Hu. And the challenges, and the journey, and everything.

16:54 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

16:55 Speaker 1 But yes, to learn how to bring this into our homes, you need a vessel, and that vessel is the energy you put into it—the commitment. Because if you opened a free club, for example—

17:08 Speaker 2 No.

17:08 Speaker 1 It would be full of women, but chances are most of them wouldn’t actually do it.

17:13 Speaker 2 You have to pay something, for your own sake, to receive it.

17:22 Speaker 1 I think that’s energy.

17:23 Speaker 2 It’s...

17:24 Speaker 1 You need to do something that commits you.

17:26 Speaker 2 Exactly.

17:27 Speaker 1 So a woman who wants to bring this in has to be willing to set aside a little time for it. I mean, a woman who doesn’t—no... In the end, it isn’t about time, because we scroll through statuses and all sorts of other things.

17:42 Speaker 2 Right.

17:43 Speaker 1 That burn up our time.

17:45 Speaker 2 Right.

17:45 Speaker 1 But again, that comes from a place of needing a release or an escape, or whatever it is. Whereas for this, she has to make room. It’s an inner thing.

17:53 Speaker 2 Right.

17:54 Speaker 1 It’s making room inside yourself—

17:55 Speaker 2 Completely.

17:55 Speaker 1 To be willing to—

17:56 Speaker 2 Right.

17:57 Speaker 1 Get into it.

17:59 Speaker 2 Exactly, exactly. And the women who manage to do it enjoy it like crazy and gain tools. And listen, the messages I get are honestly wow. Yesterday I opened the group for discussion, and the compliments the women wrote were unbelievable. I look at them and read them twice. Like—

18:19 Speaker 1 So it’s—

18:20 Speaker 2 Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

18:23 Speaker 1 Is this what you imagined when you opened it?

18:27 Speaker 2 Um, it’s what I hoped for. Yes.

18:28 Speaker 1 Yeah?

18:29 Speaker 2 Yes.

18:29 Speaker 1 Ah. Well, you’re a director. You know how to envision things. Tell me.

18:33 Speaker 2 Yes, this is absolutely it. Otherwise I wouldn’t have gone into it. I mean, I wouldn’t have done it this way.

18:39 Speaker 1 No, but you went about it in a way that—

18:39 Speaker 2 Come on, I’ve invested in this—

18:42 Speaker 1 That’s exactly what I was about to ask you.

18:44 Speaker 2 With several companies, more or less.

18:46 Speaker 1 Huh?

18:46 Speaker 2 A maintenance company, a technical company, a... I mean, there’s this whole incredible professional operation here, and money is really being poured into it. People don’t know that. But come on, the result is on an incredible level.

19:04 Speaker 1 Right.

19:04 Speaker 2 It’s not because I’m handling it myself.

19:06 Speaker 1 No, it’s because you know how to hand it over to professionals who know how to do it.

19:11 Speaker 2 Right.

19:11 Speaker 1 But what I wanted to ask you is, you’re a very, very busy woman.

19:16 Speaker 2 Right.

19:17 Speaker 1 So how—where do you—how do you manage to fit this in?

19:20 Speaker 2 Listen, I had an embarrassing mishap this week. I was onstage, I had no reception, and the group didn’t open for discussion.

19:26 Speaker 1 Because you’re the one who opens it.

19:27 Speaker 2 Because I open it, and I’m also supposed to have backup from the company. But something there, um—

19:31 Speaker 1 Fell through the cracks.

19:32 Speaker 2 Fell through the cracks, because I didn’t know I’d be onstage. Never mind that, as far as I’m concerned, of course I’m onstage every day, especially in Adar. But it fell through the cracks. And you think—I actually said to myself, “Oh my goodness, what have I taken on?”

19:46 Speaker 1 Right.

19:47 Speaker 2 Like, why in the evening? As far as I was concerned, the group was supposed to open in the morning. But the audience asked for evenings—who has time to write in the morning? The women put their kids to bed, and then they’re free. But I’m onstage, so I do it—as soon as I come offstage, I start another shift answering them. But it’s wow.

20:08 Speaker 1 It’s like you put energy out and get filled up again. But that’s really true of everything you do.

20:13 Speaker 2 Right.

20:13 Speaker 1 Just like when you go onstage: you put out energy and get filled up.

20:15 Speaker 2 Right. And I also had this thought: right now I really am at the height of my activity and energy, and that’s exactly what I want to pass on to people. Exactly that vibe. That even when we’re at our busiest, we can still smile, still respond kindly, still... I mean, I could have waited until retirement, okay? Until I’d married off all the kids—

20:36 Speaker 1 And moved to a village.

20:36 Speaker 2 And moved to a village, and I’d be all relaxed. But what kind of energy would I be passing on? “Good morning, life is beautiful, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping.”

20:45 Speaker 1 And you’d sell balloons, too.

20:46 Speaker 2 And sell balloons, too. You see? That’s not the energy my audience needs.

20:51 Speaker 1 Incredible.

20:51 Speaker 2 They need the energy of someone in the thick of it.

20:53 Speaker 1 Wow.

20:54 Speaker 2 And that’s exactly what I... So it’s as authentic as it gets.

20:58 Speaker 1 Beautiful. Tell me, how are you with sticking to things in general?

21:03 Speaker 2 Sticking to things?

21:05 Speaker 1 When you hear the word “consistency,” what does it bring up for you?

21:08 Speaker 2 Um, wow.

21:11 Speaker 1 Look at the questions I’m starting you off with.

21:14 Speaker 2 Not good. I’m not good at that.

21:16 Speaker 1 Well, look at that.

21:17 Speaker 2 I’m not good at it.

21:18 Speaker 1 But look how you’re sticking with this.

21:20 Speaker 2 Because...

21:21 Speaker 1 You’ve created anchors for yourself.

21:22 Speaker 2 Right.

21:23 Speaker 1 But you’re all in. You’re all in, a hundred percent. I can say that from my experience.

21:29 Speaker 2 Thank you, I...

21:29 Speaker 1 No, and it’s—

21:30 Speaker 2 Right, right.

21:31 Speaker 1 And it’s beautiful. Because with you—I mean, you know, we’ve been working together for a while now, and I had this thought. Routine things bore me. You can see it even when we make videos and do things: every time I need to come up with something new.

21:47 Speaker 2 Right.

21:47 Speaker 1 Good thing we have the Gavizon[?] company telling us no.

21:51 Speaker 2 Completely.

21:51 Speaker 1 “Stick with the format for now, and then you can come up with new ideas.”

21:55 Speaker 2 Completely.

21:55 Speaker 1 Because I signed up with you for the new ideas.

21:56 Speaker 2 Yes.

21:57 Speaker 1 There are some really great programs coming up in the club, too.

21:59 Speaker 2 Right.

22:00 Speaker 1 Because I need that for this. And I wondered, what will happen with Michal? Because I think Michal is like that, too. But you’re so invested, a hundred percent, giving it your all. And it’s also really lovely that your family is part of it.

22:13 Speaker 2 Yes.

22:14 Speaker 1 Your kids are wonderful, and they’re kind of—

22:17 Speaker 2 Very much so.

22:17 Speaker 1 Part of it. It’s like this whole thing that’s going on, and it’s very, very interesting.

22:23 Speaker 2 Right.

22:23 Speaker 1 So—

22:24 Speaker 2 I had a certain—

22:25 Speaker 1 Aren’t you going to give yourself a little credit for sticking with it?

22:27 Speaker 2 Absolutely. Yes.

22:28 Speaker 1 Please, I want to hear it. Or bring in a character who’ll do it—I don’t mind.

22:31 Speaker 2 “Listen, Michal, I didn’t believe in you at the beginning, because homework was never something you did. You were never even consistent about showing up, never mind the homework. We hardly saw you in class at all. And now you really are sticking with it and sending something in every week—”

22:47 Speaker 1 “I always said you had potential.”

22:48 Speaker 2 “I always said so.”

22:50 Speaker 1 So you get to take credit for saying you had potential.

22:52 Speaker 2 Look, you saw me so often that you must have learned something from me. Um, again, I think the kids at home really enjoy this whole thing. I was very worried about it.

23:06 Speaker 1 Really?

23:06 Speaker 2 I was—yes.

23:07 Speaker 1 What? Tell me, tell me.

23:08 Speaker 2 Because listen, I’m revealing state secrets. In a way—

23:12 Speaker 1 But you did that on your status, too.

23:13 Speaker 2 Right, but not to the extent of teaching what’s behind it. This goes deeper. I mean, it’s not oversharing, but there’s a certain depth to it, another layer. I think the kids find it interesting, too.

23:26 Speaker 1 Because suddenly it has names.

23:28 Speaker 2 Yes.

23:29 Speaker 1 And suddenly it has... I mean, the mother who always told them she was like their birth certificate—suddenly that birth certificate has become—

23:38 Speaker 2 Yes, I think in a way they also feel proud that their mother has become someone who shares this, and—

23:44 Speaker 1 You’ve brought it into a realm that isn’t just about creativity.

23:48 Speaker 2 They used to be, let’s say, Michal’s kids, whose home people couldn’t quite figure out. I mean...

23:54 Speaker 1 Now, do you want me to go into that a little?

23:56 Speaker 2 Sure.

23:57 Speaker 1 Because in the end—no, what I’m saying is, in the end—

23:59 Speaker 2 We’re opening up everything here anyway. What’s left?

24:01 Speaker 1 It’s one of those conversations where you start without knowing where you’re going... There aren’t any set questions.

24:05 Speaker 2 Completely.

24:05 Speaker 1 You didn’t get questions in advance, and I didn’t come with questions prepared either.

24:08 Speaker 2 Nothing. But that’s the fun of it.

24:09 Speaker 1 Whatever comes up. Um, because when it comes to the home and the kids and the institutions—the school and all that—you don’t really fit that mold. I mean, I put myself in the shoes of one of your daughters’ teachers: Michal Levitin has opened a mothers’ club. What do you think she thinks?

24:35 Speaker 2 What does she think to herself about this woman?

24:39 Speaker 1 Huh?

24:39 Speaker 2 Look, the teachers really do—there’s a certain amount of frustration with the way our home works.

24:49 Speaker 1 Okay.

24:50 Speaker 2 Um—

24:50 Speaker 1 Because ultimately there’s a framework, and you’re creating a somewhat different framework.

24:56 Speaker 2 Yes.

24:57 Speaker 1 And do you think she—

24:58 Speaker 2 It’s not about the teachers. First of all, it’s not about the teachers. There’s nothing—

25:00 Speaker 1 No.

25:01 Speaker 2 Against them or between us. I’m talking about the system, the institution itself.

25:06 Speaker 1 Do you know the two things the education system is missing? A system and—

25:09 Speaker 2 Education. That’s a good one.

25:12 Speaker 1 But—

25:13 Speaker 2 Yes. So—

25:15 Speaker 1 But in the end—

25:17 Speaker 2 I believe that—

25:17 Speaker 1 I mean, people looking on see rules and order, a home that runs on a schedule: getting up at a set time, sending the kids off at a set time, eating... All sorts of things that are less rigid at your house.

25:32 Speaker 2 Right.

25:33 Speaker 1 Now, maybe that’s the system.

25:35 Speaker 2 Yes.

25:35 Speaker 1 Because it works, and there’s something very healthy there.

25:37 Speaker 2 Right.

25:38 Speaker 1 I saw it. I was at your house once, late at night, and your son came in and started washing dishes. I thought, “What’s going on here?”

25:44 Speaker 2 He knows that’s his job. I don’t pressure him about when he does it.

25:47 Speaker 1 I’m not even impressed. I mean, at least be impressed.

25:50 Speaker 2 No, I mean, that’s something—that’s his job. So, you know—

25:54 Speaker 1 What? You explained this to me, and I didn’t know it. For me, it comes up in other things, like not wanting the children to have a burden, and things like that. But yes, being a partner. I do think children need to help.

26:07 Speaker 2 Children have to have that. It’s an anchor of love.

26:13 Speaker 1 So tell us about it.

26:14 Speaker 2 For the children. I mean, in a home where children don’t have a regular, meaningful role, a child doesn’t feel secure in their place.

26:21 Speaker 1 Tell us. Talk about it—go into more detail.

26:25 Speaker 2 Okay. I believe every child has to have a meaningful role at home. That way, if one day they start wondering, “Do they love me or not? Do I belong here or not?” the thought will pass right through, because they know they matter so much.

26:44 Speaker 1 Explain what you mean by “meaningful.” And what if, in the end, they see it as a burden, as something—

26:50 Speaker 2 No. First of all, we give them a choice. Yes.

26:54 Speaker 1 You give them options, and—

26:55 Speaker 2 Of course. These are the jobs around the house. Each one—

26:58 Speaker 1 Give an example of something you’d call meaningful.

27:01 Speaker 2 Meaningful is tidying the living room, setting the Shabbos table, doing the dishes, doing laundry, folding it, putting it away in the closets, washing the floor. I’ll tell you what the children’s jobs are right now. And watching the little ones, okay? That’s how it works in my house at the moment. Everyone has something different. Right now, Dovi is responsible for the living room, Schneur for the kitchen, Mendy for washing the laundry, Libi folds it, and Rivka watches the little ones.

27:35 Speaker 1 Amazing.

27:35 Speaker 2 That’s how it is right now—

27:37 Speaker 1 And they know that. I mean, how did that conversation go? How did they choose?

27:41 Speaker 2 We sat down for—

27:42 Speaker 1 An actual team meeting?

27:43 Speaker 2 A team meeting. We said, “These are the jobs that need doing—”

27:46 Speaker 1 Okay, but they already know there are jobs and that they’re going to take one. I mean, it’s not—

27:50 Speaker 2 Of course.

27:50 Speaker 1 It’s already built into the system.

27:52 Speaker 2 From the moment they were born. I mean, even Brini [unclear] has a job: she takes the shoes from the living room and puts them on the stairs.

27:59 Speaker 1 Mm-hmm.

27:59 Speaker 2 And little Shira throws diapers in the trash. I mean, from the very beginning, there’s something regular that each child does, and of course it can change. Now, there was—

28:11 Speaker 1 The word isn’t “job.” The word is—

28:13 Speaker 2 It’s not a chore; it’s being a partner.

28:14 Speaker 1 Being a partner.

28:15 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

28:15 Speaker 1 Taking part, taking responsibility.

28:16 Speaker 2 Exactly. And it gives a child a sense of meaning in the home. They need me—not just what I do. I mean, it doesn’t come from a place of—

28:29 Speaker 1 And do you take it for granted, or do you also show appreciation? Or both?

28:33 Speaker 2 No, of course there’s appreciation. Of course there is, but it’s also a given.

28:38 Speaker 1 I’m still stunned.

28:38 Speaker 2 But it’s a given.

28:39 Speaker 1 Right, that’s what interests me—how you combine the two.

28:42 Speaker 2 There’s appreciation.

28:42 Speaker 1 Because I saw it and I was shocked, and you were just—

28:44 Speaker 2 I mean, it’s like me wanting appreciation because I came home from work today. “Everyone, look!” But of course I went to work today.

28:51 Speaker 1 I get it.

28:51 Speaker 2 It’s the same thing. “Guys, I did two shows today! Where’s the applause for your amazing mother?” But it’s a given.

28:59 Speaker 1 Okay, it’s a given for you too.

29:01 Speaker 2 It’s a given for me that I have to—that I go to work—

29:03 Speaker 1 So there’s also that—okay, that’s a whole month in the club. I’m going to figure this out with you because I want it for myself. I’m going to keep pulling at this, because—

29:13 Speaker 2 Yes.

29:13 Speaker 1 Because wow, there’s something here. Wow, we didn’t put it on the schedule, but it’s going on there, because—

29:19 Speaker 2 It’s going on there.

29:19 Speaker 1 Because it—

29:20 Speaker 2 I trust you to put it on there, Chani.

29:22 Speaker 1 No, because it’s really, really important. There are mothers whose work is completely taken for granted, and then their children have no gratitude. And there are others—like me, I don’t take what I do for granted, or what the children do. So there’s a lot of gratitude, but I think we need a balance between gratitude and treating things as a given.

29:42 Speaker 2 We do.

29:42 Speaker 1 So, wow, we need to meet. What’s your dream for the club?

29:52 Speaker 2 Wow. For it to have thousands of members, thousands from all over the world, because—

29:57 Speaker 1 That’s Geulah.

29:58 Speaker 2 That’s Geulah. It really, really is. It’s different. It’s different. It’s simply different. And I see it in the responses too. Yesterday I also got—

30:07 Speaker 1 So do you think we should present it this way, maybe in the webinar too—as the “bar method”? Because there’s so much there. From your perspective, it’s wonderful that you’re offering all this abundance, but there’s a bar. They buy a cup, then go to the bar and fill it. One woman fills her cup, takes it in, empties it, and can go back to the bar to fill it again. Another walks around with that same cup for a whole month. Think about it: you have a video with an exercise.

30:38 Speaker 2 Right.

30:39 Speaker 1 You have the Mother’s Stage, and you have the bot—not to mention the bot, which is a cup of its own—

30:47 Speaker 2 It’s incredible.

30:47 Speaker 1 We don’t even know everything it holds.

30:49 Speaker 2 Someone wrote to me that she was having a problem with toilet training her child. She left me a message this morning. They’d already paid five hundred shekels for a half-hour phone call with a consultant, and it hadn’t helped. So she said, “Okay, let’s ask the bot.”

31:04 Speaker 1 Let’s ask Michal in the bot.

31:05 Speaker 2 Let’s ask Michal in the bot. And she said it worked out—the problem was resolved.

31:10 Speaker 1 It worked.

31:11 Speaker 2 It worked.

31:11 Speaker 1 Make an effort.

31:13 Speaker 2 Fifty to a hundred and eighty shekels.

31:14 Speaker 1 Send her a link to Bit.

31:17 Speaker 2 Because listen, it’s just incredible. It’s incredible.

31:23 Speaker 1 I mean, what’s happening in the club today is “one candle for one person is a candle for a hundred.” It’s—

31:30 Speaker 2 Absolutely, absolutely.

31:30 Speaker 1 You do that onstage too, when you stand up there and make people laugh. But that’s a kind of filling-up for the moment, something that can come back—

31:38 Speaker 2 No, it can last a week, a month, even a year.

31:40 Speaker 1 Yes, but it’s not—

31:41 Speaker 2 But it’s—

31:41 Speaker 1 There’s no practice there and no training.

31:43 Speaker 2 No practice, of course.

31:43 Speaker 1 There’s no training room.

31:44 Speaker 2 Right.

31:45 Speaker 1 No training room.

31:45 Speaker 2 Right.

31:46 Speaker 1 And the club is a training room.

31:47 Speaker 2 Right.

31:48 Speaker 1 I mean, I’m not saying we sat down here to advertise it, but I think we did need to talk about it. Because what does a woman want to bring into her life?

32:00 Speaker 2 Joy. She wants to bring in calm, peace of mind. She wants real authority, not authority that comes from fear and control. This week, in the club, we introduced the trust tool and the five—

32:17 Speaker 1 Words.

32:18 Speaker 2 Five words.

32:18 Speaker 1 That woman used twenty words, yes.

32:20 Speaker 2 Good, good. And someone says, “Listen, it didn’t work, and then I screamed, and that worked.” Of course. Of course screaming will work, but what happens afterward?

32:34 Speaker 1 What happens to you afterward?

32:35 Speaker 2 What happens to you? What happens to the child afterward? There’s no doubt that screaming works. There’s no doubt that hitting works. There’s no doubt that... But we’re not there anymore. We don’t want to be there.

32:45 Speaker 1 Amen.

32:45 Speaker 2 So, again, I told her this, and of course we’ll make it clearer next week too: when you believe in yourself and in the change you’re making, the children see it, and you won’t have to say it over and over.

33:00 Speaker 1 Amen.

33:00 Speaker 2 But the moment you’re afraid, when you tell yourself, “Let’s see if this works. Let’s see if this works,” and you’re all wound up wondering whether it’ll work, the child—

33:07 Speaker 1 Feels it.

33:08 Speaker 2 ...picks up on it. He picks up on it.

33:11 Speaker 1 It’s in the glands. In the end, connection is in the glands. It’s what you feel in every interaction and every relationship.

33:17 Speaker 2 Exactly.

33:18 Speaker 1 I say this to people I work with in business: “How much do you want to charge for this?” And then I ask her, “Is that really the amount you want?” Because if she doesn’t feel sure of it, she’ll say, “I gave him a price, and then he talked me down.” He didn’t talk you down. He could just tell where you were coming from in the first place.

33:34 Speaker 2 Powerful.

33:35 Speaker 1 You started out feeling it was worth fifty shekels, and then you said, “Let’s try seventy.” But when he heard you say seventy, he could hear that you didn’t really believe in it, so he brought you back down to where you did.

33:43 Speaker 2 Exactly.

33:43 Speaker 1 Again, it’s about making the vessel bigger.

33:44 Speaker 2 Exactly.

33:45 Speaker 1 In the end—wow, now it makes sense to me with the club too. It’s the bar method, and over time you can make your vessel bigger.

33:51 Speaker 2 Nice.

33:51 Speaker 1 But it’s really a bar with vessels. Let’s make a nice AI image of that.

33:57 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

33:57 Speaker 1 And... that’s it. Then every woman really can find her place there.

34:02 Speaker 2 Right.

34:03 Speaker 1 And bring in joy and peace of mind. Then she can also reinvent herself. Because I think people today are thirsty to bring out their own light. I’m telling you that from—

34:13 Speaker 2 Right.

34:14 Speaker 1 ...my own experience.

34:15 Speaker 2 Right.

34:15 Speaker 1 Once I got clear about my own mission of bringing light out into the open, suddenly there was so much light wanting to come out.

34:20 Speaker 2 First of all, I’m proof of that.

34:23 Speaker 1 Yes, but that’s the thing. I understand now what my mission is, and I thank Hashem that you helped me get clear about it. But suddenly, it’s as if so many people want that too.

34:33 Speaker 2 Right.

34:33 Speaker 1 So I made a bot for it. I made a bot that helps women bring out their light, and—I’m with you and the bots; I don’t even want to see the world anymore.

34:42 Speaker 2 But it’s incredible, because when you’re in a place where you feel at ease and—

34:50 Speaker 1 Peace of mind.

34:51 Speaker 2 ...peace of mind, then you’re free to bring out who you are.

34:54 Speaker 1 Right. And the world needs everyone’s light. Which brings me back to the birth certificate, because when we were born and received a birth certificate, Hakadosh Boruch Hu—

35:03 Speaker 2 We received the—

35:04 Speaker 1 We received the light, and we received the trust that Hakadosh Boruch Hu has in us. That’s what we need to share and give to others.

35:10 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

35:11 Speaker 1 So—

35:13 Speaker 2 So, yes.

35:13 Speaker 1 First of all, Michal, well done for sticking with it. And now I have even more faith that it will keep going, and that you’ll keep going and succeed in reaching as many women as possible.

35:25 Speaker 2 Amen. It really is Geulah.

35:29 Speaker 1 Yes.

35:29 Speaker 2 Truly.

35:29 Speaker 1 And every so often you hold a webinar where you invite women—

35:32 Speaker 2 To bring other women in, yes, right.

35:34 Speaker 1 To explain the club to them in more detail.

35:36 Speaker 2 Right.

35:36 Speaker 1 Right, and at that webinar you’ll explain it. I hope they’ll understand and agree to join. And I hope more mothers will... I don’t know how you manage to find the time to read the messages, but may your only problem be reading messages and replying to women, and—

35:54 Speaker 2 Wow.

35:54 Speaker 1 May that be the problem you have in your life.

35:57 Speaker 2 Amen. Amen.

35:57 Speaker 1 Keep spreading it. You’re amazing.

36:00 Speaker 2 Thank you. Chani Marzel, thank you for being you.