Somachat Alayich - Episode 03 - Cast Your Burden on Hashem

00:00 Speaker 1 I’m Happy for You, Michal Levitin.

00:01 Speaker 2 I’m Happy for You, Chani Marzel.

00:03 Speaker 1 My dear.

00:04 Speaker 2 Praise be to the Creator.

00:05 Speaker 1 So we launched a podcast.

00:07 Speaker 2 Right.

00:07 Speaker 1 And you’ve started getting reactions.

00:09 Speaker 2 Wow.

00:10 Speaker 1 How’s it going?

00:11 Speaker 2 It’s wild.

00:12 Speaker 1 Tell me a little more.

00:13 Speaker 2 People are getting to know a different Michal, and that really moves me.

00:18 Speaker 1 What moves you?

00:19 Speaker 2 It moves me that they’re suddenly realizing there’s a person behind the character. I mean—

00:24 Speaker 1 Behind the characters.

00:25 Speaker 2 Behind the characters, there’s a woman who’s really just like me—

00:30 Speaker 1 Crossing boundaries.

00:30 Speaker 2 Like—crossing boundar—yes. Yes, it’s nice to see people suddenly—

00:37 Speaker 1 You’re getting different feedback.

00:38 Speaker 2 Yes, absolutely, absolutely.

00:40 Speaker 1 And what does that do for you? Make you want more?

00:42 Speaker 2 I don’t know. I’m here. I don’t know, because I surprise myself each time with what I’m going to say. I don’t know; I don’t come prepared.

00:52 Speaker 1 Right.

00:52 Speaker 2 So—and it’s nice. It’s really nice.

00:56 Speaker 1 Hashem, open my lips.

00:58 Speaker 2 Let’s put it that way. Absolutely.

00:59 Speaker 1 Beautiful. So I’ll tell you what I want to talk about today.

01:03 Speaker 2 Okay.

01:03 Speaker 1 I’m coming with my curiosity.

01:06 Speaker 2 That’s what’s beautiful about you, Chani, and what people love: you don’t let me off the hook, and you ask really curious questions.

01:11 Speaker 1 Last week we talked about whether you’ll stay onstage or not, where your confidence comes from, and all that. And you said that everything could change in an instant, and—

01:21 Speaker 2 Right.

01:22 Speaker 1 And okay, you always have those two extremes, but you know you’ll always reinvent yourself, and in the end it’ll have an impact and an audience too.

01:29 Speaker 2 Right.

01:30 Speaker 1 So that’s—I don’t think that’s something that will change.

01:32 Speaker 2 Right.

01:33 Speaker 1 But there was very much this—Hashem’s place in it. I really feel, in all my work with you and in all our conversations, that He’s present, and I want us to talk about that.

01:46 Speaker 2 Wow.

01:48 Speaker 1 What is Hashem to you?

01:50 Speaker 2 The truth is, I was born into a home where Hashem was very present.

01:56 Speaker 1 What does that mean?

01:57 Speaker 2 It means hearing “with Hashem’s help” and knowing they really mean it.

02:05 Speaker 1 Exactly, because I think there’s something about being born into a certain way of life, with all the “thank G-d” and “with Hashem’s help.”

02:12 Speaker 2 Right.

02:12 Speaker 1 Ahavas Yisroel too, and all sorts of things that we—

02:15 Speaker 2 I remember once saying “with Hashem’s help” to one of my children, and he said, “Not ‘with Hashem’s help.’ I want you to really mean it.”

02:19 Speaker 1 I remember when we’d ask for something, my father would say, “If Hashem wills it.” But whose will were we talking about? When he said “if Hashem wills it,” he meant one thing, and we wanted something else. You know, whose will?

02:32 Speaker 2 Right.

02:32 Speaker 1 What’s the will?

02:33 Speaker 2 But I really felt there was genuine intention behind it. A very, very deep faith in it.

02:40 Speaker 1 Did you feel you had someone to turn to and talk to?

02:43 Speaker 2 Who, Hashem or my parents?

02:45 Speaker 1 Hashem.

02:46 Speaker 2 Always. Yes.

02:47 Speaker 1 Really?

02:48 Speaker 2 Yes.

02:48 Speaker 1 What’s your earliest memory of that?

02:50 Speaker 2 My earliest memory of really, really, really praying... I mean, there were a few moments. The one I’m best known for was when I was outside the committee meeting that was debating whether there was a place for humor in our school, before that Pesti performance.

03:13 Speaker 1 What was that about? Tell us.

03:15 Speaker 2 That story’s pretty well known.

03:18 Speaker 1 Give us the short version.

03:18 Speaker 2 I’ll give you the short version. When I got to high school, I planned on performing there and so on.

03:26 Speaker 1 As in, showing your talent.

03:27 Speaker 2 Right. So I—

03:29 Speaker 1 You’d get a stage for your talent.

03:30 Speaker 2 Exactly. Let me go back a little and say that I lived in Kiryat Malachi until I was thirteen. I actually did eighth grade in Kfar Chabad.

03:40 Speaker 1 Right, we were in the same class. We’ll do an episode about that.

03:42 Speaker 2 Right. So when I got to Kfar Chabad, I realized there wasn’t really room for—do you remember our eighth-grade graduation performance?

03:50 Speaker 1 Yes. We also did—we broke new ground in some way with that performance. What did you do in it?

03:55 Speaker 2 Let me tell you how I saw it. I don’t know how you felt at the time, but I remember the opening speech: “Everyone can do what she dreams of. We’re going to put on a collaborative play.”

04:10 Speaker 1 Right.

04:10 Speaker 2 Do you remember that?

04:11 Speaker 1 We brought in a new director. It was something new.

04:13 Speaker 2 It was amazing. And everyone was supposed to write on a slip of paper, right? Everyone would write what she dreamed of being. And I wrote, “I want to play a Russian woman. I don’t care what her role is; I want a Russian character.” Because at that time I’d really been honing it. My father was in the hospital, and I often did impressions of the nurse—Sasha, Misha, Grisha, Kasha, Natasha. I felt I was very good at it, and I wanted to do it. That was my dream. The day comes when they hand out the roles, and I’m not in it. Nothing. I don’t get any role. So I go to the person in charge and say, “I asked to play a Russian woman.” And she says, “That won’t work. It just won’t work.”

04:55 Speaker 1 So you stepped back—and you weren’t in it?

04:56 Speaker 2 And I wasn’t—now—

04:58 Speaker 1 No, I’m trying to reconstruct it. I’m trying to remember...

05:01 Speaker 2 Okay, so I told her, “Fine, if that’s not an option, I don’t have to do it. I didn’t go to school here for eight years. I don’t have to do this graduation performance with you. I only just got here.” I mean, I didn’t feel that I—besides, I didn’t have—you know what was going on there.

05:18 Speaker 1 Yes.

05:18 Speaker 2 We’ll do an episode about being ostracized.

05:21 Speaker 1 Yes.

05:22 Speaker 2 So I didn’t feel like fighting for it. I had nothing—nothing to fight for.

05:26 Speaker 1 And where was—and what was the disappointment, though?

05:28 Speaker 2 Wow. Wow.

05:30 Speaker 1 Were you hurt, or disappointed?

05:31 Speaker 2 Hurt. Wow. Like, what, are you playing games with me?

05:34 Speaker 1 Yes.

05:34 Speaker 2 I mean, what’s going on here? Why? And understand, it got to the point where, I think a week before, they realized I wasn’t coming. I wasn’t at rehearsals, because I hadn’t been given a role. They told me to choose something else. I said, “I don’t want something else. You opened by saying everyone could fulfill her dream, that this was going to be the concept this year. We’d create a play out of you, your talents—and now you’re canceling that. As far as I’m concerned, you’re canceled.” I mean, I canceled them right back. I didn’t feel—

06:03 Speaker 1 I think it was about concepts in Chassidus.

06:05 Speaker 2 Right.

06:06 Speaker 1 I remember which concept I did.

06:08 Speaker 2 Okay, I’ll tell you afterward which one I did.

06:10 Speaker 1 So did you go onstage in the end?

06:11 Speaker 2 In the end—what do you mean, go onstage?

06:14 Speaker 1 A week before.

06:14 Speaker 2 A week before, they called my parents in and said that if I didn’t go onstage, I wouldn’t get my certificate.

06:19 Speaker 1 Oh, that happened.

06:20 Speaker 2 It did. So there was a threat, because they didn’t like that I was doing what I wanted. I mean, that—and I’m sitting there—

06:27 Speaker 1 They probably also felt that, in the end, it wouldn’t look good to have a student who didn’t go onstage.

06:32 Speaker 2 Exactly. And I’m sitting with the administration, saying, “But you promised—you promised any character was possible. Why can’t I do the role as a Russian woman? Why can’t I come up and say the same thing: ‘Hello, welcome.’ The topic was iskafya. I’ll talk about iskafya. What difference does it make to you if I say it that way?” “No. We decided there would be no other languages, because otherwise it would open the door. One girl would want this, another would want that.” There was some excuse; I don’t remember what. I said, “Then forget it.” Anyway, they threatened that I wouldn’t get my certificate, and that frightened my parents—

07:01 Speaker 1 The bottom line.

07:01 Speaker 2 No, it frightened my parents because of high school, okay? It was my eighth-grade certificate for moving on to high school. What, I wouldn’t go to high school? Okay, fine, I’ll go onstage. What did I do? What was my role? To offer ice cream? And the girls say, “No, we’re not eating it. We’re practicing iskafya.” Okay? Iskafya means overcoming our animalistic desire—it’s a concept in Chassidus. That was my role.

07:24 Speaker 1 And did you manage to bring some humor into that, or were you not really there at all?

07:27 Speaker 2 No, I went on and—

07:28 Speaker 1 You didn’t go onstage.

07:29 Speaker 2 No.

07:29 Speaker 1 You weren’t there.

07:29 Speaker 2 No. I just went on, said what I had to say, and left. And it was—

07:34 Speaker 1 Wow, what an experience.

07:36 Speaker 2 Completely surreal. Really, really, really. Fine. Next, I go to high school, where they’d promised this amazing Pesti, where you could put on a play and there was a chance to—

07:48 Speaker 1 Express your talents.

07:49 Speaker 2 Express your talents, and I’m pinning my—

07:51 Speaker 1 Hopes on it.

07:52 Speaker 2 I was there. Then the auditions came around, and of course I was the first to sign up because I wanted to perform. Fine, they put me on the list. Then the script arrived, and there were actual auditions for the different parts. I saw that the whole story was about India. There was a shliach in India and something with matzos that the Rebbe had sent him to deliver. And with my imagination—India! Wow, I’ll play an Indian woman in an Indian market, and I’ll do... what do you call it? An impression. I could already see myself doing the opening live as an Indian woman. I chased after the teacher in charge and said, “Listen, I have an idea.” She looked at me and said, “Where did you come from? What’s gotten into you?” I said, “Yes, let there be a little humor, a little...” “There has never been humor in our school, there is no humor in our school, and there will be no humor in our school.” I realized it wasn’t going to happen. I thought to myself: What’s going to happen? I have to survive here for four years. Are they going to shut me down again? I mean, what’s going to happen? No.

08:52 Speaker 3 But what were you telling yourself at the time?

08:53 Speaker 2 I told myself: I’m doing everything I can to get them to change their way of thinking. I feel like I’m doing something right—

09:00 Speaker 3 But did you realize you were breaking new ground?

09:02 Speaker 2 Yes.

09:03 Speaker 3 Did you realize it then, too?

09:04 Speaker 2 No.

09:04 Speaker 3 So at the time, you were frustrated.

09:06 Speaker 2 At the time, I was... I don’t know if I’d call it despair, but a kind of—

09:11 Speaker 3 Deep frustration.

09:11 Speaker 2 Frustration. And I told myself, “They’re missing out on so much joy. Why are they doing this to themselves? Why are they being so hard on themselves? Why won’t they let themselves be happy? If I come out playing an Indian woman, everyone will laugh and enjoy it. Why are they keeping that from people?” I mean, it bothered me. I also had this sense of justice: I can show you—

09:31 Speaker 3 It’s like you’re in the light.

09:33 Speaker 2 Yes.

09:33 Speaker 3 You know the light, and people are in the dark.

09:35 Speaker 2 And people are in the dark. That’s exactly how I felt.

09:37 Speaker 3 Wow.

09:37 Speaker 2 That I just needed to light a match for them. I had to light a match for them.

09:39 Speaker 3 It’s hard to believe it was like that.

09:40 Speaker 2 Yes.

09:41 Speaker 3 I mean, look where we are today compared to... Okay.

09:43 Speaker 2 You can’t imagine. You really can’t.

09:45 Speaker 3 Okay.

09:45 Speaker 2 It feels like a different civilization.

09:47 Speaker 3 Right, so you’re telling them this crazy idea. Go on.

09:49 Speaker 2 And I chased after the teacher, you know, trying to convince her why it was a good thing. I said, “What’s the problem? Why is it a problem to laugh? What does it go against? Where does it go against anything? ‘Serve Hashem with joy.’ It’s inner work.” You know, she started telling me—

10:03 Speaker 3 The festival was in the month of Adar.

10:04 Speaker 2 Yes, exactly, coming up to the month of Adar. Why not? In the end, I’d probably chased after her a bit too much, and she actually convened an emergency committee. I’m serious. There was the principal, the counselor, the discipline coordinator, the grade coordinator, the tznius coordinator, and another coordinator with nothing better to do.

10:17 Speaker 3 She called them in: There’s a girl, Michal Levitin—

10:19 Speaker 2 Yes.

10:19 Speaker 3 Who wants to make people laugh.

10:20 Speaker 2 Exactly. And the question was whether that was right for the school’s image. That was the question.

10:25 Speaker 3 Absolutely not in our school.

10:26 Speaker 2 Exactly. What would it do to the school’s image? What would it do to the school? I mean, what would it do to the girls? What might it lead to?

10:34 Speaker 3 Okay.

10:34 Speaker 2 They were terribly afraid of humor, because to them it was a kind of frivolity—

10:39 Speaker 3 Can you understand them?

10:40 Speaker 2 “A company of scoffers.” I mean, that was their way of thinking—

10:42 Speaker 3 Can you find a way to understand them—

10:43 Speaker 2 Yes.

10:43 Speaker 3 Today, from where you stand now?

10:44 Speaker 2 Yes, yes, yes. I understood them even then, because they genuinely had no tools to deal with it. None at all. I mean, the moment you made a joke, it was, “Michal, go outside.” They didn’t have... Today a teacher might say, “Tell us, so we can all have a laugh.” Today teachers are... It’s a different world, a different world. A generation has passed. But back then—

11:02 Speaker 3 So how did you know there was a committee?

11:04 Speaker 2 I knew, and while the committee was meeting, I found myself, for the first time, a fourteen-year-old girl praying: “Hakadosh Boruch Hu, help me. Was I born into the right generation or not?” I mean, I felt as though I was traveling through time. On a journey. Like I’d been transplanted from another generation—

11:23 Speaker 3 Yes, yes.

11:23 Speaker 2 And I was simply ahead of my time. Help them understand that they need to change the way they think.

11:29 Speaker 3 You’ve brought that back to me.

11:30 Speaker 2 So help me. They’re sitting in there discussing my life.

11:33 Speaker 3 Was she actually talking about it?

11:33 Speaker 2 Yes. Absolutely, absolutely.

11:35 Speaker 3 Okay.

11:36 Speaker 2 I felt as though something momentous was at stake for me. I really did.

11:40 Speaker 3 That’s wild. Okay, and...?

11:43 Speaker 2 And then the teacher came out and said, “Michal, we discussed it and discussed it from every angle, and we came to the conclusion that—”

11:50 Speaker 3 You could put on a whole show just about that discussion.

11:54 Speaker 2 “Humor really does come from within you, and it’s something that... Although we still don’t do humor in our school, I’ll give you some sort of part so we don’t break your spirit.”

12:04 Speaker 3 Oh, so it was out of consideration for you.

12:05 Speaker 2 It was consideration for me. Not even an understanding of what it could do for everyone else.

12:09 Speaker 3 Were you grateful?

12:11 Speaker 2 Yes. I was grateful, but also very disappointed, because she told me what I was going to do. She said, “Listen, you’ll be a balloon seller.” But I wanted to play an Indian woman, and I’d been very clear about what I wanted.

12:26 Speaker 3 You had a vision for the part. You were directing it.

12:28 Speaker 2 Exactly.

12:28 Speaker 3 You knew what you wanted. Go on.

12:29 Speaker 2 Then she told me I’d be a balloon seller, and I said, “But how does that fit the plot?” And she said straight to my face, “It doesn’t fit the plot.”

12:34 Speaker 3 “We made up a part just for you.”

12:35 Speaker 2 “We made up a part just for you, because if, G-d forbid, it’s a chillul Hashem, we’ll simply cut it in the edit, and it won’t spoil the...”

12:40 Speaker 3 The stage show.

12:40 Speaker 2 No, the script.

12:42 Speaker 3 Oh.

12:42 Speaker 2 You see? It wouldn’t disrupt the flow of the script.

12:44 Speaker 3 After all, they did give you something.

12:45 Speaker 2 Yes. You remember back then, if someone lifted a leg or something, they’d cut it. They could even cut a song in the middle because someone’s elbow showed. That was how they edited things back then. She told me up front, since it would always be edited and then people would buy the recording, you know: “We’ll cut you out in the edit.” As if it came with the—

13:04 Speaker 3 Understanding.

13:05 Speaker 2 The understanding that it might not be good, that it might be embarrassing, and that they were taking a risk.

13:11 Speaker 3 Okay, and what happened?

13:12 Speaker 2 What happened? I went on for less than a minute. I think it was sixty seconds. I don’t really know. “The sun is shining, the birds are chirping peacefully—is there anything more wonderful?” I came on with the balloons and a top hat. To this day, ask anyone who remembers me from the festivals in those years, especially that year.

13:30 Speaker 3 You’re the balloon seller.

13:30 Speaker 2 What do they remember? Just the balloon seller.

13:31 Speaker 3 Right. You brought something, and... Look at that. You brought something new into the world.

13:37 Speaker 2 I really did. And from then on, it became history.

13:39 Speaker 3 It was a sensation.

13:40 Speaker 2 It was a sensation. It really was. And look, when I see it today—

13:43 Speaker 3 What did you do up there?

13:45 Speaker 2 Listen, I went on feeling free. I mean, I went on thinking, “At last I’m doing what I love, what I was born to do.” I came on with the balloons, took in the audience, connected with them, looked them in the eye, and said a line and a half: “The sun is shining, the birds are chirping peacefully—is there anything more wonderful? People are walking and running as though...”

14:11 Speaker 3 And everyone was laughing.

14:12 Speaker 2 And everyone was laughing. You don’t understand—it was hysterical. I did almost nothing, I’m telling you. I had sparkling eyes and a smile.

14:19 Speaker 3 And you came back to Hakadosh Boruch Hu?

14:21 Speaker 2 Yes.

14:22 Speaker 3 Okay.

14:23 Speaker 2 Yes.

14:23 Speaker 3 So that was when you found that connection through personal prayer.

14:26 Speaker 2 I said, “That’s it. You’re with me.” That’s how I felt.

14:28 Speaker 3 You felt the hand of Hashem.

14:29 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

14:30 Speaker 3 A connection.

14:30 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

14:31 Speaker 3 Okay, how beautiful.

14:32 Speaker 2 And that was it. From there, it just took off.

14:34 Speaker 3 Wait, and in the following years, did you keep soaring? I remember in twelfth grade—

14:38 Speaker 2 In twelfth grade, I produced it.

14:39 Speaker 3 You produced all the music.

14:41 Speaker 2 Right.

14:41 Speaker 3 Not the drama.

14:42 Speaker 2 Well, that too, along the way. I mean, it was a musical. Producing the music was drama in itself.

14:48 Speaker 3 I have the recording. I’ll let you publish it, because that’s a whole unpleasant story.

14:52 Speaker 2 Right!

14:53 Speaker 3 It’s crazy.

14:54 Speaker 2 Wow, that was one of the most beautiful festivals.

14:56 Speaker 3 But when I look at it today—my children really love it—when I look at it, it’s an incredible production.

15:02 Speaker 2 Right.

15:02 Speaker 3 An incredible musical production.

15:04 Speaker 2 Right, right.

15:06 Speaker 3 Okay.

15:06 Speaker 2 Because it was a musical. I put my soul into it.

15:10 Speaker 3 For Hakadosh Boruch Hu.

15:11 Speaker 2 Yes, exactly. And I really felt—

15:13 Speaker 3 So you felt Him, and what—He became present in your life?

15:17 Speaker 2 Yes, very much.

15:19 Speaker 3 And that was in moments of happiness—

15:20 Speaker 2 Which means that—

15:21 Speaker 3 In moments of joy? In which moments?

15:22 Speaker 2 Everything, everything, everything. I always knew how to come back and thank Him, and I let go of so many ideas about how things had to happen.

15:30 Speaker 3 What do you mean by letting go?

15:32 Speaker 2 E-everything. The obstacles they put in my way afterward, and with everything I said, okay, I’m not going to hold myself back. I’m—

15:41 Speaker 3 I’m here, doing my part.

15:42 Speaker 2 I do my part in everything. At the Festi. I mean, after the Festi—no, not after the Festi, after the balloon seller, the director came up to me and said, “Listen, we got calls from the production team, from everyone, about how much good it did and how truly...” That was very kind of her, really. And first of all, credit to the management: in the end, they did give me that opportunity. That’s important.

16:04 Speaker 3 Of course.

16:05 Speaker 2 Because I think they really broke new ground along with me. Really—

16:09 Speaker 3 But you know what I loved? In the end, they did it for you.

16:12 Speaker 2 Right.

16:13 Speaker 3 Because, come on, you succeeded, you worked hard—

16:15 Speaker 2 Yes.

16:15 Speaker 3 But once you succeeded, they saw you—

16:17 Speaker 2 Yes.

16:17 Speaker 3 And they agreed to do something they were very, very afraid of—

16:20 Speaker 2 Right.

16:20 Speaker 3 And they took a risk—

16:21 Speaker 2 Yes.

16:22 Speaker 3 So they gave you a role—tailored a role for you—where, at worst, they’d cut you out in editing.

16:26 Speaker 2 Yes.

16:26 Speaker 3 And that, too, is something you really have to look at and work through.

16:28 Speaker 2 At that moment, for me, it was “take it or leave it.” Really.

16:33 Speaker 3 Wow.

16:33 Speaker 2 It was either that or—I think that ever since then, I’ve been very willing to take what’s there. I mean, I approach it with a lot of humility. Even if I don’t get exactly what I want—

16:47 Speaker 3 Because—and then what happens?

16:48 Speaker 2 Because I’ve discovered that when I’m willing to accept even the lesser thing, I get to what I want very quickly, and even beyond it.

16:55 Speaker 3 What is that? Let’s try to put it into words.

16:58 Speaker 2 Um, it means that sometimes, when we say, “Open for Me an opening the size of a needle’s eye,” you have to see the needle, the eye of the needle.

17:07 Speaker 3 Mm-hmm.

17:08 Speaker 2 And not ask for the great hall.

17:10 Speaker 3 But, but you still need to aspire to both that and the great hall.

17:12 Speaker 2 Right, but you have to be willing to accept the needle, and then you’ll see the great hall and the whole world.

17:21 Speaker 3 I understand.

17:22 Speaker 2 Because—

17:22 Speaker 3 So when you say, “I agreed to take things,” what was your vision? What was the big thing you wanted?

17:28 Speaker 2 I didn’t know.

17:29 Speaker 3 Ah, but you knew, “I’m meant for something big.”

17:31 Speaker 2 Yes, but I didn’t know where to place that. I didn’t know.

17:33 Speaker 3 You didn’t even know what “big” meant.

17:34 Speaker 2 Right.

17:34 Speaker 3 And when you don’t know what “big” means, it can keep getting bigger.

17:37 Speaker 2 Right.

17:38 Speaker 3 Okay.

17:38 Speaker 2 Right. I didn’t know. I said, Hakadosh Boruch Hu could put me, I don’t know, all over the world in an instant. But I didn’t know which stages, which name, where, what to aim for. Today any little kid will say, “I want the Menora, I want...” I don’t know, the Cultural Center.

17:54 Speaker 3 Because she’s already seen it.

17:54 Speaker 2 I didn’t have that in—

17:55 Speaker 3 Her eyes already know it; she’s seen it.

17:56 Speaker 2 Exactly. So back then I had no frame of reference at all.

17:58 Speaker 3 She has something to dream about.

17:59 Speaker 2 But I knew that I...

18:02 Speaker 3 So today, you’re actually giving children a horizon for their dreams.

18:06 Speaker 2 Yes.

18:07 Speaker 3 How does that feel?

18:09 Speaker 2 Amazing.

18:09 Speaker 3 Huh? It’s like...

18:13 Speaker 2 It feels like Hakadosh Boruch Hu knew at that moment—

18:16 Speaker 3 So really, that’s “Cast your burden upon Hashem.”

18:19 Speaker 2 Right. I do that all the time, with everything.

18:23 Speaker 3 Meaning you don’t pin your hopes on any other person.

18:29 Speaker 2 Right. They’re all messengers.

18:31 Speaker 3 Now, tell me, were you born with that?

18:35 Speaker 2 That’s a tricky question, because, again, we did grow up in a home with a great deal of faith, and we also went through many crises.

18:45 Speaker 3 And challenges.

18:45 Speaker 2 And challenges. You have to understand, I didn’t grow up with a father who was around very much. My father was a shochet. My older sisters, let’s say, really grew up with him there, but by the time I was born—

18:57 Speaker 3 How old were you when your father started traveling?

18:59 Speaker 2 Um, I still remember him working in Israel. My father was a shochet for the Marbek company, which was then around Kiryat Malachi, near Be’er Tuvia. I even went with him to a shechitah once. I watched, and he explained it to us. I remember that, so I was very, very little. But soon after, he was flying abroad for stretches at a time.

19:19 Speaker 3 And back then, people would go away for long stretches.

19:21 Speaker 2 Yes, a month or two, and the longest was three months. That was the longest.

19:26 Speaker 3 And when he came back, for how long?

19:27 Speaker 2 He’d come back for anywhere from a week to a month. So Dad was always, you know, the nice dad, almost like an uncle, bringing presents and things. He was less of an authoritative presence.

19:41 Speaker 3 Someone who raised you.

19:42 Speaker 2 Exactly. That was Mom. But my mother also constantly gave us that sense of calm: that G-d is here, that Hashem is with us, that—I mean—

20:00 Speaker 3 You don’t need to worry.

20:00 Speaker 2 Yes, that was something... Exactly, exactly. It was always there. If we moved house while my father was abroad—and my mother really did move us on her own—you felt a tremendous amount of faith—

20:15 Speaker 3 Didn’t you also look at her and think, wow, how is she doing this? Or wonder whether it was really right? Didn’t you have questions—

20:22 Speaker 2 About my mother?

20:22 Speaker 3 About that situation.

20:24 Speaker 2 About what?

20:25 Speaker 3 It’s a way of life that’s different from your friends’.

20:28 Speaker 2 Right. No—

20:30 Speaker 3 Or were you used to it? Did it seem normal to you?

20:32 Speaker 2 Yes, yes. I didn’t feel different or unusual.

20:36 Speaker 3 “Cast your burden upon Hashem”—let’s go back to that.

20:40 Speaker 2 Um, again, it’s there all the time.

20:45 Speaker 3 I mean, I go through difficulties—

20:46 Speaker 2 I don’t see—

20:47 Speaker 3 You go through challenges in life. Your father came back to Israel when he got sick?

20:52 Speaker 2 My father actually had some kind of—

20:57 Speaker 3 Medical episode?

20:57 Speaker 2 He fainted, had some kind of episode, and that’s where the whole story began. There was a medical flight, and he had emergency surgery there. He was in Brazil. Then he arrived back in Israel by medical transport. You know, seeing him like that... And that’s where a very, very, very intense test of faith began for everyone in the family, each person at their own stage—

21:24 Speaker 3 What was there?

21:24 Speaker 2 —of life.

21:25 Speaker 3 What was there in that faith?

21:26 Speaker 2 It really was a matter of casting your burden upon Hashem. Because the doctors said he had a month to live.

21:32 Speaker 3 Mm-hmm.

21:32 Speaker 2 That was the diagnosis. It was an aggressive brain tumor. They removed the initial tumor in Brazil, let’s say, and by the time he got to Ichilov here in Israel, they did another MRI and more tests. They said it was as though just a day had passed, but it had already grown back. It wasn’t—

21:47 Speaker 3 Wow.

21:48 Speaker 2 It wasn’t something that...

21:49 Speaker 3 So there’s the fact, the medical assessment, and then there’s something else between you and Hakadosh Boruch Hu.

21:54 Speaker 2 Yes. And that’s when my mother really became an absolute powerhouse. She said, “Come on, let’s remember that doctors were given permission to heal, but Hakadosh Boruch Hu is the One who decides.”

22:06 Speaker 3 Wow.

22:06 Speaker 2 “So let’s all really remember that.”

22:08 Speaker 3 And then it’s as though you’re standing there, taking part in Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s story.

22:13 Speaker 2 Yes. Absolutely, absolutely.

22:14 Speaker 3 With curiosity, with prayer, with what?

22:17 Speaker 2 With fear.

22:18 Speaker 3 With fear.

22:19 Speaker 2 Yes.

22:19 Speaker 3 With everything.

22:20 Speaker 2 With everything, yes.

22:21 Speaker 3 But you know He’s in charge, and there’s nothing—like, at that point you reach a place where there’s really nothing you can do.

22:26 Speaker 2 Right, but there’s also a great deal of responsibility to do your part. I mean, what can we do? So my mother sets up a command center, gathering every bit of information from around the world about what could be done. What do we do? Okay, this is the situation. What do we do? And then it starts—every practitioner you can imagine, all kinds of natural healers, all kinds of air purifiers, everything. She brings them all in on an SOS basis.

22:59 Speaker 3 Okay, so “cast your burden” doesn’t mean she disconnects from the situation.

23:03 Speaker 2 No.

23:03 Speaker 3 It’s: What can I do?

23:04 Speaker 2 Exactly. First of all, my job was to cheer up my father, and everyone in the family had a different job. You look into these practitioners, you handle this, you’re responsible for that. You have to understand, the whole household changed its diet, down to eating sprouts and—you can’t imagine.

23:23 Speaker 3 That wasn’t common back then, either.

23:24 Speaker 2 It wasn’t.

23:24 Speaker 3 It wasn’t.

23:25 Speaker 2 It wasn’t common back then. Look, there was always an awareness of health, I’ll tell you that. Our home did have an awareness of health—

23:29 Speaker 3 No, but I think that kind of awareness—

23:30 Speaker 2 This was extreme, because they bought things to purify the house. I mean, the air—

23:37 Speaker 3 Wow, wow, wow.

23:38 Speaker 2 Energy purifiers. You can’t imagine—all the treatments, everything. Stones, mushrooms, everything from the plant, animal, mineral, and human worlds was brought in.

23:49 Speaker 3 Wow.

23:49 Speaker 2 I mean, I don’t know how much money was spent there...

23:53 Speaker 3 It’s as though money doesn’t matter.

23:54 Speaker 2 Money doesn’t matter. Money doesn’t matter. I mean, if we could have sold the house right then—we couldn’t, because it wasn’t our house; my grandparents were involved too—but if we could have, that would have been—

24:05 Speaker 3 Wow.

24:05 Speaker 2 That would have been it.

24:07 Speaker 3 Tell me—

24:08 Speaker 2 Because a life is worth more than any floor tile. I mean, we were throwing everything we had into it, absolutely everything. That was the feeling.

24:14 Speaker 3 And how long did he actually live?

24:16 Speaker 2 Not a month. Fourteen years.

24:19 Speaker 3 What is that? Fourteen years of seeing Hakadosh Boruch Hu in everything, all the time.

24:24 Speaker 2 Yes. To the point that he underwent eleven brain surgeries during that period, and in between, he kept working. He traveled—not to Brazil, admittedly, but to Poland—for short shechitah trips.

24:33 Speaker 3 Oh, he also did shechitah?

24:33 Speaker 2 Yes. Like, I’m recovering, I’m alive, I’m—

24:38 Speaker 3 What do you have to say about your mother?

24:40 Speaker 2 That she’s larger than life, and that she gave us the strongest lesson you could possibly have in this life. Truly.

24:48 Speaker 3 Tell us more, tell us more.

24:49 Speaker 2 First of all, that there really is something you can do. I mean, even if you receive a terminal diagnosis, there is something you can do.

24:59 Speaker 3 As long as you have the strength to try—

24:59 Speaker 2 Never give up.

25:01 Speaker 3 Try to find what you can do.

25:02 Speaker 2 Absolutely.

25:03 Speaker 3 But don’t be a victim.

25:04 Speaker 2 Don’t be a victim. Don’t just say, “I’ll leave it to Hashem,” and that’s it, goodbye.

25:08 Speaker 3 Carelessly.

25:11 Speaker 2 Right.

25:11 Speaker 3 Like leaving it to Him out of—what’s the word?

25:14 Speaker 2 Indifference.

25:15 Speaker 3 Yes.

25:15 Speaker 2 Like, “Okay, that’s what they say, and that’s—”

25:18 Speaker 3 That’s really the power of association.

25:20 Speaker 2 Right. “Hakadosh Boruch Hu, You brought this; You’ll sort it out.” Hakadosh Boruch Hu also sent many, many shluchim who can help sort it out. You just have to reach out to them.

25:27 Speaker 3 Wow.

25:28 Speaker 2 So it’s not just, like...

25:30 Speaker 3 So the lesson you took into your own life is that when you’re facing something, you’ll look for and find a way: What can I do to solve it? He’ll send me the people—

25:40 Speaker 2 Right.

25:40 Speaker 3 And He’ll also give me the...

25:41 Speaker 2 Absolutely. And in the end, He’ll decide. I know that. I mean, He’ll also decide whether I find those people, how much help I get from them, at what level, and for how long.

25:49 Speaker 3 What I need to change.

25:50 Speaker 2 Yes, very much so. And there’s—

25:52 Speaker 3 Are you able to pass that on to your children?

25:53 Speaker 2 Um, I believe so. Yes.

25:56 Speaker 3 Yes?

25:56 Speaker 2 Look, I think the understanding is what I learned there, what my mother always said: When you go to war, you don’t send only infantry. You also need artillery, you need intelligence, you need the Shin Bet, you need—you need many, many other units.

26:10 Speaker 3 Torah scholars.

26:10 Speaker 2 Torah scholars too. You need every unit to win the war. So to come to a hospital—a medical center—and say, “Okay, this is my only unit,” that’s not right.

26:22 Speaker 3 Wow. But that applies to everything in life.

26:24 Speaker 2 Of course, of course it applies to everything in life. But that was—

26:28 Speaker 3 How do you put that into practice today?

26:31 Speaker 2 Well, that’s a broad question. Be more specific.

26:33 Speaker 3 Huh? No, I mean, this is probably something ingrained in you, so when you encounter a challenge or run into something, it probably already works that way for you. I want to make it practical.

26:47 Speaker 2 Practical? Um, really consulting a variety of people, hearing more opinions, and then forming a view based on what resonates with you, and—

26:59 Speaker 3 There’s choice and responsibility here.

27:00 Speaker 2 Yes. I mean, not just banging your head against the wall over certain things.

27:06 Speaker 3 No banging your head against the wall.

27:07 Speaker 2 No banging your head against the wall.

27:07 Speaker 3 You know, it’s amazing how, in the end, this really connects to your mother being a stand-up comedian, too.

27:11 Speaker 2 Right. It’s that mental flexibility—being receptive to the people around you.

27:17 Speaker 3 Reading the situation.

27:19 Speaker 2 Right, right, right.

27:19 Speaker 3 That’s amazing. So what would you wish for our listeners when it comes to bringing Hakadosh Boruch Hu into their lives?

27:28 Speaker 2 It’s...

27:28 Speaker 3 Because I meet people, and I see that it’s hard. It’s hard to let go of control. What will happen? What about this, what about that?

27:37 Speaker 2 Look—

27:38 Speaker 3 I know that I myself went through a very long journey with leaving things to Hashem and bringing Him into my life. I have a podcast with Batsheva Dargan about a “gym for peace of mind.” That’s it. It’s about practicing how to bring Hakadosh Boruch Hu into your life, rather than just learning about it.

27:55 Speaker 2 Look, I believe that the moment I tell Hakadosh Boruch Hu, “I’m in charge here,” He says, “Okay, I can move on to someone else.” I mean, I’m always telling Hakadosh Boruch Hu—

28:05 Speaker 3 Make room for Him, and He’ll know how to do it best.

28:09 Speaker 2 Absolutely, absolutely. When someone is in control, Hakadosh Boruch Hu says, “Okay, she’s managing.”

28:14 Speaker 3 Mm-hmm.

28:14 Speaker 2 “We’ll let her carry on managing.”

28:16 Speaker 3 So let’s make room.

28:17 Speaker 2 So let’s make room. Exactly.

28:20 Speaker 3 What a pleasure! Thank you.

28:22 Speaker 2 Chani Marzel, thank you.