Sisters' Chat #1 - Getting ready for the Yom Tov together

00:02 Speaker 1 How do we turn our lives into lives of shlichus full of meaning? I’m Chani Moskowitz, born in Kharkiv, Ukraine, and now continuing my shlichus in Karmei Gat, Israel. In this podcast, we’ll meet different women who will share their shlichus in a variety of fields and, through their stories, help each of us find and refine our own shlichus in the world. Because living the lives we were created to live is as good as it gets. Shlichus as a way of life. We’re starting right now.

00:34 Speaker 2 Hey, hey.

00:35 Speaker 3 Hello.

00:37 Speaker 2 Guess who’s here.

00:39 Speaker 3 The question is whether you’ve posted the promos yet or not.

00:42 Speaker 2 It depends. Some people don’t follow them; some do.

00:45 Speaker 3 Hi.

00:45 Speaker 2 So we’ve sat down for a sisterly chat. My older sister, Nava.

00:48 Speaker 3 My older sister. Let’s see who knows that song.

00:53 Speaker 2 If you know it, raise your hand. And… sisters, but mothers, actually.

00:59 Speaker 3 Yes.

00:59 Speaker 2 I mean, that’s what brought us to this conversation. And who else would I bring on Erev Pesach?

01:05 Speaker 3 I’ll pop over.

01:06 Speaker 2 No, but it’s unbelievable that we’ve left a living room out there…

01:11 Speaker 3 Let’s just say, picture a living room on Erev Pesach, a kitchen on Erev Pesach, plus a sort of move happening here. And I won’t give you any more details. I think you can imagine the mess.

01:22 Speaker 2 Oy, oy, oy.

01:22 Speaker 3 We closed the door.

01:24 Speaker 2 We’re in a bubble.

01:25 Speaker 3 We’re sitting here having a conversation in a clean, quiet room with air-conditioning.

01:29 Speaker 2 Right, so let’s share some thoughts. Thoughts as mothers, on the one hand. On the other hand, maybe there are young women listening to us too. Not maybe. There are young women listening to us too.

01:40 Speaker 3 Teenage girls, yes.

01:41 Speaker 2 Teenage girls, grandmothers.

01:43 Speaker 3 Right. Mothers too.

01:45 Speaker 2 Mothers and grandmothers. Maybe lots of grandmothers. Grandma listens to the podcast now and then too.

01:50 Speaker 3 Ooh.

01:50 Speaker 2 Grandma, if you’re listening, we’ve dedicated the opening minute to you. And… what is it we actually want to get across? I mean…

02:03 Speaker 3 Maybe I want to talk specifically about the place we just came from: the living room. Everyone has her own level of mess, because I think some women are more organized than I am, but mine is completely upside down.

02:16 Speaker 2 And more organized than I am.

02:19 Speaker 3 I want to—

02:20 Speaker 2 No, there are women who by now already… We’re talking on Tuesday morning, right? I think there are women who already have the meatballs for the Seder, or are in the middle of grinding the charoses.

02:30 Speaker 3 Right, and there are some who can’t understand how we’re still dealing with the living room—or the kitchen, for that matter. Honestly, what I feel like saying is that, first of all, it’s fun to chat on Erev Pesach. It gives me a moment to focus and gather my thoughts, because my mind races while I’m cleaning and everything. We humans are champions at letting our thoughts race. So…

02:50 Speaker 2 Introduce yourself for a moment. What do you do, anyway?

02:53 Speaker 3 Right now?

02:54 Speaker 2 Yes.

02:54 Speaker 3 Okay. So I’m Nava. First of all, I’m Chani’s older sister. I’m a personal coach. I’m a Chassidic coach, meaning that the coaching tools we use in the personal coaching I do come from Chassidus. Not exclusively from Chassidus, but mainly. I mean, things from the Rambam slip in too. It’s all from Judaism. Most of the coaching tools come from Chassidus, from Tanya, and also from the Rebbe’s sichos. I won’t go into all of it now, but that’s the general idea. It’s a conversation. For anyone who doesn’t know what personal coaching is: it’s a conversation—like sports coaching, but for the soul. That’s what we do there. Much of it is about moving from little personal exiles to redemption. It happens through a one-on-one conversation. That’s what I do day to day. I also hold women’s gatherings with talks and workshops, things like that. It’s all based on Jewish and Chassidic sources. Right now I’m on maternity leave, so I came to record podcasts.

04:02 Speaker 2 Great, so let’s take all the women of Israel—

04:06 Speaker 3 Yes.

04:06 Speaker 2 —for a group coaching session.

04:09 Speaker 3 Yes. And the goal of coaching—which, to me, is exactly one of the great things that could happen through a podcast too—is to take very, very spiritual ideas and ultimately bring them into practice. In personal coaching, it’s nice and sweet if someone leaves with instructions, but ultimately I need there to be some change in her life. And that’s what I’d like to happen for you just before Pesach. We may be in the last few days, but change is possible.

04:32 Speaker 2 We still have time.

04:33 Speaker 3 Yes, it’s possible to make even a tiny shift in perspective that will change all your days from now until the Seder. As far as I’m concerned, that means I’ve done my job.

04:42 Speaker 2 So let’s understand what the problem is. I mean, I say, hey, Pesach is coming.

04:47 Speaker 3 Yes.

04:48 Speaker 2 Ostensibly, it should be all bells and whistles, flowers and butterflies—spring, after all. The festival of spring, thank you. That’s how it should be, but we’re all caught up in… I hope… No, I’m generalizing. Most of us. Presumably there are a few who have already… Let’s not generalize, in case someone’s listening and saying, “Excuse me, I…” Okay, not you. But let’s use me as an example. Okay, mine’s a slightly unusual case because our shipping container arrived, with that whole story. So now our place looks like we’re moving. But yes, I still haven’t bought wine, grape juice, fruit or vegetables. By the way, I don’t know how people buy fruit and vegetables a week ahead. Don’t they spoil? Is there a trick to it?

05:29 Speaker 3 I think it’s mainly the potatoes they buy then, no? I have no idea. I haven’t bought anything yet either.

05:33 Speaker 2 Eggs. Basically, everything we eat on Pesach. We have meat and disposable dishes. And I have lists lying around: one list on paper, another in Docs. That one’s a list from Ukraine, and when I open it, it says, “Bring aluminum foil from Israel,” and I’m like, wait a second.

05:53 Speaker 3 Bring it from Israel.

05:53 Speaker 2 Or bring it from Kyiv. So goodbye to that list, even though I was sure I had lists I could use forever. And I have another list in Keep that I share with Mendel.

06:03 Speaker 3 Okay.

06:03 Speaker 2 And you—by the way, you used a few terms that some women probably don’t know, because for me, for example, it’s paper and pen.

06:08 Speaker 3 Apps, basically.

06:09 Speaker 2 Right, so for me it’s paper and pen, and even that’s at the level of—

06:11 Speaker 3 But that’s the thing, because you can write things down in apps.

06:14 Speaker 2 So how do we bring it all together? I think the question is how to reconcile reality with what we’d like it to be, all the lists with all our wishes, and still keep our feet on the ground. I think—okay, I’ll be completely honest—neither of us has the added challenge of shopping before Pesach and making sure every child has a new kippah and bow tie and…

06:35 Speaker 3 Yes, but for some people that’s important.

06:37 Speaker 2 But it takes so much energy.

06:39 Speaker 3 Yes, true. First of all, it takes time to go around shopping.

06:41 Speaker 2 Listen, even if I needed things, this is the time when people want to get something new. Personally, if it isn’t essential, I’ll wait, because prices are sky-high right now and all that.

06:47 Speaker 3 Right.

06:48 Speaker 2 But often you do need new things, and it’s a lot of work. Even when you shop online.

06:54 Speaker 3 Right.

06:54 Speaker 2 It’s work, and every delivery takes ten phone calls before it arrives… Anyway.

06:59 Speaker 3 I think we can sum it up like this: it doesn’t matter what your Pesach looks like. Whether you’re a guest or at home, whether you’re traveling abroad, whether you’re a shlucha with three hundred people to host, or you have one child, or you’re a young couple, or you’re a teenager at your mother’s house—it doesn’t matter. Everyone now has a string of tasks to get through between now and the Seder, and you have to work backward. I mean, if bedikas chametz is Sunday evening, right? Assuming I haven’t lost track of the dates. If it’s Sunday evening, what am I supposed to do on Sunday? And what am I supposed to do Saturday night? You keep working backward and backward, at least if you do some basic planning.

07:36 Speaker 2 Minimal planning.

07:37 Speaker 3 Now, you were talking about lists. You’re already at an advanced level with your lists. That doesn’t necessarily mean you do everything on them, but you write things down, and that puts some order in your head too. Now think about someone who doesn’t write things down and has all these things going around and around in her head.

07:47 Speaker 2 Yes, but I think most women do write lists. I hope so.

07:49 Speaker 3 You can hope.

07:51 Speaker 2 Anyone who doesn’t…

07:52 Speaker 3 If we’re raising these questions, then there’s something else I’m looking at: the sheer number of tasks we have. Simple, practical tasks, from buying a potato to ironing her dress, and then suddenly Barchi’s shoes have torn. So now, right before the holiday, you have to order shoes. All sorts of things like that. And this is such a spiritual holiday: we went from bondage to Geulah. The people involved, the miracles that happened to us—miracles are something spiritual. They may show themselves in nature, but they’re something—

08:21 Speaker 2 We all experienced that this week.

08:23 Speaker 3 Right.

08:24 Speaker 2 Really.

08:25 Speaker 3 Let’s not get into the conspiracy theories.

08:26 Speaker 2 Put it on your head.

08:28 Speaker 3 But sometimes that gap really bothers me. The list of tasks. Listen, I want to be spiritual. I don’t want all these tasks. Hashem, what is this? I don’t get it. You gave me such a spiritual holiday, but a to-do list that stretches from here to Thailand—and Thailand has a lot of Chabad Houses. But seriously, this list of tasks. I want to be spiritual. I want to be the kind of Jewish woman who’s completely occupied with the spiritual essence of the holiday, with those things, and who manages to pass that on to her children the way I imagine I’m passing it on to myself—which hasn’t happened yet. Yes, but freedom, and there’s so much content today that’s so accessible. Any podcast, any... You don’t have to... I mean, you could open a book and sit down to learn, but you don’t even have to do that. You have recordings and reels and little quotes. Even just a sentence about what freedom is. And I want to be that spiritual person. On the other hand, I have a pile of tasks, may Hashem help me. Most of them will probably get done by Pesach, because somehow things do get done in the end.

09:29 Speaker 2 Yes, but the question is—

09:30 Speaker 3 How they’ll get done.

09:31 Speaker 2 How? Yes, because that matters.

09:33 Speaker 3 Right. And I want to do them without constantly wanting to escape from them. Because if I have tasks and either I don’t want to do them because I just don’t have the energy, or I’m thinking, “What is going on? Why are these tasks the holiday, instead of the spirituality of the holiday being the main thing?”—then I lose twice. I’m not present for the tasks, but honestly, I’m not actually spending all my time engaged with the spirituality of the holiday either. I’m losing out both ways.

10:03 Speaker 2 You know, when you talk about getting through things, the image that comes to mind is people marking X’s over the days on a calendar. That’s hard for me to see. I used to do it as a child because I was waiting for the school year to end, until I realized, “Chani, no.”

10:20 Speaker 3 Why?

10:21 Speaker 2 It happened to me... You know when it was? Oh my goodness, I’m remembering now. I was in sixth grade, sitting next to a friend in class. I remember who it was, and I told her I was waiting for the day to end. She asked me why. I said, “Because I want to go home.” No, I didn’t like learning. I did start to like learning—in fact, today I really love it—but that started more around ninth or tenth grade. In elementary school, there was no connection between me as a student and the learning. So I said, “I’m waiting for the lesson to end so recess will come.” She said, “And then?” I said, “Then the eighth-period class will come.” She said, “And then?” I said, “Then the day will end.” She said, “And then?” And then I realized where she was taking me. Then the week will end, and then the month will end. So what am I actually waiting for?

11:06 Speaker 3 A smart girl.

11:07 Speaker 2 Yes. I’ll tell you later who she was. She said to me, “Enjoy right now. Even if you don’t connect with the lesson, enjoy it. Let’s find something fun to do along the way, or just draw, do things you enjoy—but try to enjoy the present. Because waiting for time to run out isn’t fun.” And that really stayed with me. When I see people marking X’s on a calendar, it hurts my heart. Another day gone, another day gone—as though we made it through, we got through it, we survived.

11:39 Speaker 3 So the wish is to reach Seder night without the feeling of “we survived,” but rather, “we’ve arrived”?

11:44 Speaker 2 Um, I think I’d simply like to reach Seder night—and the same goes for Friday, for example—and feel, “It’s Friday before Seder night, and I have to do A, B, C, all the way through Z,” but genuinely do it as enjoyably as possible. With the strongest sense that I’m choosing to do it, with a feeling of celebration, of springtime.

12:13 Speaker 3 To experience the present moment as something festive.

12:16 Speaker 2 Um, yes.

12:18 Speaker 3 Meaning—

12:18 Speaker 2 If we’re getting ready for a holiday, it should be pretty festive, I think, shouldn’t it? I mean...

12:22 Speaker 3 Yes.

12:23 Speaker 2 It shouldn’t feel like just another day. It’s like preparing for Shabbos, which we get to practice every week.

12:28 Speaker 3 Right.

12:29 Speaker 2 You can do it one way and you can do it another way, but—

12:32 Speaker 3 I’m sure every woman has experienced both kinds of Shabbos preparations. And if you look back at yourself—let’s put this in parentheses for a moment, Shabbos preparations—you can see exactly what made some Fridays look one way and other Fridays look another way. It could be the time you got up, how you got organized on Thursday, whether you started the day with Modeh Ani and then put on music, or started it with an alarm that didn’t go off and rushed to the children without a moment to breathe. How did you wake up? All of that... I’m saying to every woman: if you look back, you can see exactly what made some Fridays look like this and others look like that.

13:14 Speaker 2 Yes.

13:14 Speaker 3 Now, Erev Pesach comes, let’s say, once a year. So we do have some practice—especially since COVID, when younger couples suddenly started doing the...

13:21 Speaker 2 Right, but it’s much less frequent than Shabbos.

13:22 Speaker 3 True.

13:23 Speaker 2 There’s something to that. It’s like a muscle.

13:24 Speaker 3 So we need help.

13:25 Speaker 2 You make Shabbos—

13:27 Speaker 3 Exactly.

13:27 Speaker 2 You make Shabbos, and you’ve already had practice.

13:29 Speaker 3 Right.

13:30 Speaker 2 It’s every week. And then suddenly there’s this once-a-year event, and you’re like, “Let’s remember how to do this.”

13:33 Speaker 3 And even when you’ve had practice, you don’t always manage to make it the best experience for yourself.

13:35 Speaker 2 Yes.

13:36 Speaker 3 A lot of the time you know what worked for you and what feels good, and it still doesn’t always happen. But okay, that’s for another podcast. Now, Erev Pesach: you’re saying, “I want to experience it, to live in the moment and be present.” Being present, by the way, brings a lot of calm. I talk about that a lot, because most of my difficulty—or rather, most of what takes me out of that calm—is when I’m in one place, my body is in one place, but my mind either wants to be somewhere else or is actually—well, not physically, but spiritually—somewhere else.

14:04 Speaker 2 Right.

14:05 Speaker 3 Being present brings a lot of calm. You’re saying, “Right now I want to be there for the cleaning, or the sorting, the shopping—whatever it is—the making of lists. I just want to be there, not thinking about when I’ll finish so we can finally get to Seder night.” Do you know how many stories I’ve seen where people say, “Come on already, when will it be Seder night? When will it be Seder night?” You’re saying, “I have another five or six days here. How do I live them?”

14:28 Speaker 2 Yes. That’s a piece of your life.

14:29 Speaker 3 And to be present in a way that brings me to, “Hey, let’s do the cleaning and enjoy it.” First of all, there are lots of answers to that. Do you have any ideas?

14:39 Speaker 2 No, first of all, I really am thinking about this idea. You also spoke earlier about spiritual preparation.

14:43 Speaker 3 Yes.

14:44 Speaker 2 I said this then in connection with Shavuos: sometimes a woman can arrive at the reading of the Ten Commandments, or Seder night, or the Megillah reading on Purim—whatever it may be—and it just passes her by.

14:56 Speaker 3 Right.

14:56 Speaker 2 You’re just not there. You’re not there. So what makes the difference? How do you actually create a change? Um, there’s this comparison about joy. You arrive at a wedding. If you’re there because a friend from work is marrying off her granddaughter—

15:15 Speaker 3 You have to give a thousand, as they say.

15:16 Speaker 2 Yes. She invited you to be polite; you came to be polite. You arrive, take care of things on your phone, exchange a few words with people you wanted to see.

15:24 Speaker 3 But you weren’t part of the joy.

15:25 Speaker 2 Yes. There’s no connection. Why weren’t you happy? Because there’s no connection.

15:29 Speaker 3 Okay.

15:30 Speaker 2 But when I arrive and I’m the bride’s sister, or her aunt, or a good friend—or maybe I happen to be the bride myself—then I feel connected, and I’m genuinely happy. I’ve come to a wedding I have a connection to. It’s the same with a holiday. When I prepare for a holiday—on Purim just now, for example, I actually had the chance to prepare, to hear a lot about the Megillah—then you sit at the Megillah reading and think, “Oh, that’s what this is about,” and it all comes together for you, and you’re moved by it. It’s possible.

15:58 Speaker 3 Right.

15:58 Speaker 2 It really is possible to connect deeply with the story.

16:00 Speaker 3 Yes.

16:00 Speaker 2 That’s the mitzvah, really—to live through the... every word of the Megillah.

16:03 Speaker 3 Yes.

16:03 Speaker 2 But you don’t always manage to, especially if you’re there with babies and... But it’s mainly about the connection you’re talking about. I’d add a word that I think is really missing here: belonging. I want to feel that I belong to the holiday. I want to feel that I belong to the people, that I belong to the miracles, that I belong to the moment. The word “belonging”—

16:21 Speaker 3 You’re saying belonging feels good.

16:22 Speaker 2 It feels very good, right. I have a podc—uh, a podc—I don’t have a podcast yet. Wait. Maybe with all this equipment here, I’ll have one.

16:28 Speaker 3 Let’s do it.

16:28 Speaker 2 Ah, but feeling connected is very, very pleasant. Why? Because it brings peace of mind. Feeling connected also usually helps me be present in the moment. So that’s what we want.

16:35 Speaker 3 Right.

16:36 Speaker 2 I want—listen, I can’t stand cleaning, okay? I know there are women who love it, who even find it relaxing. Honestly, I’m jealous. Really. I don’t like it. I don’t like cleaning. I love it when things are clean; I don’t like cleaning. I want to clean without suffering. Okay? I’m not expecting to jump for joy because I have to use the—degreaser here, but I want to clean without suffering. And you’re saying there is a way: to use my mind to find a connection that will make me feel connected to the task. Could that bring me joy—

17:13 Speaker 3 Maybe meaning, too.

17:14 Speaker 2 Peace of mind, meaning. Yes, bringing meaning to it, that’s also—

17:17 Speaker 3 To the practical work.

17:17 Speaker 2 That comes through the mind.

17:19 Speaker 3 Yes.

17:21 Speaker 2 Basically, if you think about what we brought up at the beginning, about the difficulties, one of them is the huge gap between our practical to-do list and our spiritual connection to the holiday. And you’re saying: let’s connect the two. Let’s take all that spirituality of the holiday and bring it into the practical tasks, because those tasks have to get done. Look, we’re mothers, we have homes, and as it happens, we’re both hosting the Seder.

17:50 Speaker 3 We don’t have cleaning help. Just kidding.

17:52 Speaker 2 Neither of us has cleaning help, but that’s not the point, because even with help, you have tons of work. It doesn’t really free you from—

17:59 Speaker 3 I’m just saying, this is my first time making Pesach without cleaning help.

18:02 Speaker 2 Hey, welcome to Eretz Yisroel.

18:04 Speaker 3 Eretz Yisroel is acquired through suffering.

18:06 Speaker 2 Something like that. No, suffering? I don’t know.

18:08 Speaker 3 Just kidding.

18:09 Speaker 2 That point—hold on, I lost my train of thought.

18:14 Speaker 3 Bringing the spiritual into it.

18:16 Speaker 2 Right. But now that we’re saying this, the girls are probably thinking, “Where is it? Where’s the sisterly chat? The light conversation?” But this is light.

18:23 Speaker 3 These are our sisterly chats, by the way. Just kidding.

18:25 Speaker 2 They won’t want to be our sisters. Not that you have a choice in the matter, but you can join the club. But it really is simpler than it sounds. Chassidus has given us a gift, I think. Besides the depth of its teachings, it has given us a gift of a certain simplicity. You could take this beyond Chabad Chassidus—Breslov Chassidus, going out into nature and connecting. Sometimes there’s something about making things simpler and lighter. I’m here right now. Hakadosh Boruch Hu put me here: a thirty-two-year-old woman living in this place, with these children, with this husband, with these Pesach preparations ahead of me. There’s a certain simplicity to asking: What is my shlichus right now? It’s like—really, it’s opening my eyes. I’m supposed to get this whole house ready for a Seder. There’s something very, supposedly, very spiritual about that. What is my shlichus right now? Am I supposed to feel the journey from exile to Geulah right now? What is my shlichus in relation to the whole Jewish people? Let’s open our eyes and look at the house. That’s my first shlichus, because that’s probably where I opened my eyes. I hope you slept at home. Okay, this really helps make the preparations feel lighter. Not in terms of the work itself, but in terms of my connection to it. Why? Because it frees me from the loops in my head about where I’m supposed to be and what spiritual preparations I’m supposed to make for the holiday. These are the spiritual preparations you’re supposed to make for the holiday. You’re supposed to clean out the chametz. Now someone here will say, “Just you? He, too—he needs to help at home.” I don’t mind. I’m talking to mothers, so I’m speaking in the feminine. If that bothers anyone, she can sort it out in her own ears. I’m the homemaker—

20:16 Speaker 2 In her own ears. I’m the homemaker—

20:20 Speaker 3 [unclear]

20:22 Speaker 2 I’m the homemaker, and I’m the heart of the home, and I’m supposed to bring this home, from wherever each of us is starting, to a home without chametz, a home that’s clean for Pesach. That’s my shlichus. Now, you want to connect the spiritual to the practical? Go ahead—take that. I can give you lots more spiritual ideas, but let me focus for a moment. What is my shlichus right now? Women can sit and debate: What am I? Who am I? It’s the eve of a holiday; I’m a Jewish woman. Now let’s add the war and the hostages, and so much, so much confusion in our heads.

20:57 Speaker 3 Overload.

20:58 Speaker 2 Sweetheart, Hakadosh Boruch Hu gave you two eyes, baruch Hashem—for those of us who can see, most of us. Open them. The story of what you need to do is written right here, fairly plainly. This box isn’t supposed to be here, right?

21:15 Speaker 3 Sorry, that’s a point... Boxes.

21:19 Speaker 2 These dishes and those dishes need to be brought out for the holiday, or kashered for the holiday—whatever each person does. Great. That’s what you’re supposed to do. That’s your connection. You want to be a spiritual woman? Look at what your shlichus is right now. You want peace of mind? That, too, comes from asking what my shlichus is right now. Why? Because my shlichus right now brings me back to what we were saying about being present and feeling connected. I feel present because I’m here, in this place. Because if I ask myself what I need to do now, then I’m here.

21:48 Speaker 3 And I’m supposed to be here.

21:49 Speaker 2 I have to be here to have peace of mind. You know what? I don’t have to be here. But if someone wants peace of mind, she needs that. I want to connect the—we’ve really talked about two main things here. One is being present in the moment so we can get through these next five or six days until Pesach pleasantly. And we talked about having so many physical tasks, as opposed to the spirituality of the holiday. I think reflecting on “What is my shlichus right now?” brings those two together for me. If you want—now, I say “go downstairs” because we came up to the second floor to record—but if you want to go downstairs and do your tasks with some peace of mind, you need to be present, here in this place. If I’m constantly calculating—now, that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t plan ahead, because people will say, “If I only look at what’s happening now, what about ‘Who is wise? One who foresees what is to come,’” and all that. Okay? I’m not ignoring that. Foreseeing what is to come can also be part of being present in the moment, because maybe right now I need to plan. But if I spend all day turning over in my mind, or making endless lists of what I need for the Seder and when it will finally arrive, I’m really suffering. My body is here, in a place I don’t want to be, while my whole soul wants to be somewhere else. It wants to learn Torah or to be at the Seder, experiencing its spiritual side. Not that you won’t be tired at the Seder. Don’t worry, at the Seder you’ll want the Seder to end, okay? Because if I live in that pattern, it doesn’t matter what’s happening to me. I’m living in a certain pattern of life

23:08 Speaker 2 And if I learn to be present—let me, maybe, give you an extra tip. You want to be present at the Seder? Practice being present now. It’s Tuesday now; what’s today’s date? Um... the 8th. What—

23:25 Speaker 3 The 8th, the 8th, the 8th.

23:26 Speaker 2 You’re at 8 Nissan now. I hope there won’t be any jokes—it really is the 8th. You need to get A, B, and C done. Why? So you can reach the Seder. It’s not that you aren’t planning ahead, but you are here, present now. Um, “present” is exactly the word. Do you want to talk a little? I mean, first of all, did you understand what I—

23:50 Speaker 3 Yes.

23:51 Speaker 2 What I’m talking about?

23:51 Speaker 3 I feel like taking this in another direction, but I don’t want to—I want to give you room, because I’m sure you’ve covered the...

23:56 Speaker 2 The what?

23:57 Speaker 3 What you wanted to say.

23:58 Speaker 2 I—we talked about two things, and I feel that this question of “What is my shlichus?”—come on, my shlichus is spirituality at its peak. Okay? It’s spirituality at its peak, and not only in the context of Pesach. Anyone listening to this now—let’s say it applies to the eve of any holiday, and it applies to a Jewish mother anywhere.

24:14 Speaker 3 Yes.

24:15 Speaker 2 We’re constantly planning for the future, and most of the time, because we’re so busy planning for the future, we’re not present here and now. I think that when you take that—okay, I have two things to say. First, I don’t know who here studies a bit of Chassidus, who hasn’t studied Chassidus, who’s familiar with it and who isn’t, but what you just said is exactly, if you can put it that way, the answer to the hardest question there is: Why was the world created, and what are we doing here? To bring the higher and lower realms together. Right. To transform the material into the spiritual. And Hakadosh Boruch Hu wanted us here. He created this very material world, and He hides within it because He wants us to truly transform the physical into the spiritual and harness the physical for the spiritual. So this connection you’re talking about is simply our purpose in this world. Which is incredible when you think about it. There’s also something very humble about it. There’s a lot of humility in saying, “This is what He asked of me.” How long can I keep racking my brain over what my purpose is? He opened my eyes. He also told me, through the writings of Judaism and Chassidus, what we’re meant to do in this world. There’s Torah and mitzvos, and there’s also each person’s inner work, working on our character traits and all that. But there’s also: open your eyes. Presumably, someone born in Zimbabwe is meant to—maybe they’ll move away, but they were meant to be born there. That’s part of their purpose, and someone born in Israel, that’s part of hers. So in Israel, you face more of a particular difficulty. Say a woman in Israel is supposed to have—maybe she needs different strengths when it comes to cleaning for Pesach, because getting household help here is harder. I don’t know exactly what her mission is,

25:56 Speaker 2 but there’s a certain humility in accepting the facts, and that helps me do what you were talking about: take more actions here that connect us to the spiritual. Yes, exactly. And really, when—as you said, that acceptance isn’t just resigning yourself to it. “Resigning yourself” is a slightly negative phrase, as though you’re just putting up with the situation. It’s understanding that this is how it was meant to be from the outset, that it’s my hashgachah pratis that I’m here. This is my situation, with all its components—where I am, when I am, my abilities, and often my health. Right. Some women, for example, are due to give birth any moment. Some are in the middle of fertility treatments. There are so many complicated situations, and that’s without even bringing the security situation into it—just a minor detail. And understanding that this is hashgachah pratis, and aligning my will with it, I say, “Okay, this is what Hakadosh Boruch Hu wants.” When I connect to His will and it becomes my will, then my reality and what I want come together, and I don’t have that tension, like a rubber band. If what I want is over there and my reality is somewhere else, there’s a tension between them that drives me crazy. That’s the stress. Yes. What does it mean for what I want and my reality to be far apart? I’m in one place, but I constantly want to be somewhere else. Yes, exactly. So the actions also—they narrow the distance between what I want and my reality, and then I’m in the same place. Yes. I say, “Hakadosh Boruch Hu wanted me here. He wanted me here with all the circumstances around me, the whole setting, and so this is His will.” Do I go along with it? Do I say, “All right, this is what I want too,” or do I resist it? And when I go along with it, everything is more peaceful and calmer. And there’s one more thing I wanted to add about what you said earlier,

27:39 Speaker 2 about “This is your mission right now.” That word “your” is so important. Yes. Because, whether we like it or not, we live in a time when—I tend to believe that anyone listening to this podcast can also see, right now, what’s happening in other people’s homes, not just her own. Because of social media. Because of social media. Oh, there’s a topic for another conversation. Social media. No, I mean it gets more intense before a Yom Tov. Yes. It gets more intense because suddenly you’re saying, “Wow, someone says I have to buy a new tablecloth. Maybe I really do have to buy a new tablecloth?” So what’s your mission? My mission is to understand that I know what I need. How do I know? You know. Focus, focus, presence. First of all, cutting down on screen time is especially helpful in its own right. Screen time. Think about it: when you’re on a screen, once again you’re physically in one place, while your thoughts and desires—your whole inner self—are somewhere else. That’s exactly it. And it’s real suffering for the soul. It really is. I’m—now, I’m active on social media myself, but even so, you can set time limits. Okay, that really is a subject for another podcast, but it’s the same point: when my body is in one place and my inner self is somewhere else, I’m simply suffering to some degree. Yes. And if you want good Pesach preparations, be present in them. How do you do that? We’ve given a few... By the way, there’s something else we can connect to this. I like—yes, some people are afraid of the word “crutches.” Crutches to help you move when you’re first starting to do things you’re not used to. If there are things that help me walk at first, why not use external aids

29:18 Speaker 2 ? If music, for example, helps me focus for a moment and makes that moment pleasant, and I feel present in it because I’m singing along, why not? Then use music. No, why do you call it “crutches” as if—do you think there’s something negative about it? It’s something external that helps me walk. But sometimes, at first, you need something external to help you learn to walk. No, I think that’s fine. I think it’s wonderful. I hesitated because it alarms some people. “Why do I need crutches? I’ll learn to walk.” To bring it out in yourself. Sometimes you need help. Without aids, you mean. Exactly. So, external aids. I understand. When I don’t know how to walk, they’re wonderful, amazing! And they’re among the gifts Hakadosh Boruch Hu has given us here. So if I’m not managing... Our senses. Right. They affect us directly. So I actually think the opposite. Part of our job is to create an atmosphere, a supportive atmosphere. Right. So there’s that word “support” again. If I hear the neighbor screaming—an atmosphere, that word “support” again, it—oh, it makes me feel so gentle. Are you saying the neighbors are the real social network? No, but really, if you hear—I don’t know. Everyone here lives somewhere different, and... Right. But maybe the neighbors are playing beautiful music, and you can go along with that. But create an atmosphere. Right, so those crutches—we’ve explained all this just in relation to ourselves, without bringing the children into it. Exactly, and I also wanted to bring in the children as one example of another crutch. Some people’s children really are helpful, and some won’t be able to get their children to help right now, before Pesach. So they might send—the support you

30:42 Speaker 2 Right now, your crutch is that they won’t be at home; they’ll be at the park. It’s perfectly fine if having your children help doesn’t work for you right now. So what if other mothers are posting amazing videos of their children helping, okay? For your progress toward the holiday, for your ability to be present, for having a calm mother at home, it helps that they’re not there. So that’s your crutch. Okay? This moves a little away from the point we were making about being present, but it’s another thing that can help every mother get through these rounds of preparation: understanding what works for you, what your crutches are. It’s so different from someone else’s situation, even if you’re the same age. Sometimes, looking from the outside, you think that everyone in the same age group, with roughly the same number of children and a more or less similar financial situation, should have similar problems. But that’s light-years from the truth. When I coach someone, I meet the person inside. Two twin sisters who grew up in the same home, married similar people, have similar financial circumstances and the same number of children—their inner work can be fundamentally different. Because each of us was given her own package as a gift. So the—the looking... You know what? Let me connect this to what we said earlier. Looking outward only blurs what we wanted: to look not just inward, but at what you said—my own particular Divine providence, the tools I was given. And those tools include where I grew up, who I am, how old I am today, my health and all of that. But they also include the tools I was given inside. Someone may have more patience, so for her,

32:18 Speaker 2 it might be worthwhile to sort things before Pesach. But for someone who has less patience and needs to get things done quickly, it might be better to have more kitchen cabinets that are clean, at least, even if they aren’t organized. I don’t know. The same goes for the holiday menu. So again, yes. We see people’s stories online. It’s not just about buying a tablecloth. There are standards in our heads that we don’t even realize are there, and we didn’t create them ourselves. Right. They can come from family, too. Say I grew up—not me personally, but for example—in a family where the holiday table has fish, three kinds of fish, followed by soup, then chicken and meat and a few other things, I don’t know, stuffed Pesach dishes and dessert. Now, if you’re hearing all this and thinking, “Who can even eat all that after all the matzos and wine and everything?” then think about what’s right for you. Right. You really can set such a beautiful, pleasant, simple holiday table that’s much easier to put together. Much simpler, much more... And some women don’t want that simplicity. It’s part of how the holiday feels to them, and it works well for them. Yes. But if you’re doing it because that’s what you’re supposed to do, because that’s what you think a holiday table has to be, while personally you feel there’s no need—and then you’re going to put it all back in the fridge afterward—so, like... Again, it’s about where you focus. Because through Divine providence, too, you may feel more drawn to being in the kitchen, or more drawn to being outside with the children. Okay? Hashem placed them—placed you—as the mother of these children: a mother who puts more into the kitchen, who puts more into

33:53 Speaker 2 organizing things, who puts more into keeping their closets just so. Believe me, Hashem gave them exactly the mother they need. So again, it’s about looking at who this mother running the home is. At your abilities—not only the practical circumstances of your particular Divine providence that we mentioned earlier, but your actual abilities, too. I can host a certain number of people, while another woman not only can’t do that, she doesn’t want guests. She’s specifically looking for that small, family setting, and that’s what she’ll invest in, and it’s wonderful. So it’s a kind of turning inward, and also being present in this moment. Because, for example, a woman who is about to give birth now wasn’t about to give birth nine months ago. So it’s not only “Who am I?” but “Who am I right now?” Taking everything into account... Exactly. But it’s much simpler than it sounds, because you know yourself best. Only you can answer what your role is right now, given all the practical circumstances and all the abilities, qualities and other things you’ve been given. And I believe that this perspective will bring you so, so much peace, because you’ll be so busy getting this home ready that you won’t have time to look outward. Right. And so much light, too. Because this is your shlichus; this is your spiritual preparation for the holiday. Listen, when you finish this podcast, put on another class or something. Connect with it. It’s enjoyable; it brings light. Right. But you’re doing your job. You’re doing what’s yours to do. Want to summarize the points? I want them to come away with, um— Let’s do it. With a list, a shopping list. We’ve given them another list. First of all, Chani, we said this was a conversation between sisters. Just so you know, we also have lighter conversations in life. But sometimes our conversations definitely go to these places, and it’s really enjoyable. And then we say, “Why didn’t we record that as a podcast?” Right. Now I want— You know what? I feel like making one more suggestion. If this makes you want to have conversations like these and you don’t have anyone to have them with, then go find someone. Mm-hmm. Because sometimes the circle of people in your life is just one that somehow happened. Now, it was Divine providence that it happened that way, but if you feel something is missing, you don’t feel that for no reason. You probably want more. So go and look. I’m sure there’s someone in your area you can have a conversation with like the one we just had. I met a woman not long ago who told me, “You know, I’m someone who really likes to think deeply, and I don’t have anyone to do it with. I mean, I don’t have anyone to discuss things with.” Sometimes we really do live life on the surface, but we can also dive in and enjoy all the... Yes. Now, don’t worry, we have very different kinds of conversations too, but these conversations are enjoyable as well. It just suddenly struck me that this was like a conversation between sisters. Yes, a conversation between sisters can take many forms. And we said we’d give them a summary. A summary. Let’s do it. We need a moment to sum it up ourselves, because the conversation went in all sorts of directions. It just kept going and going. Um, first of all, I think anyone who really listened for a moment could connect with the feeling of being physically in one place while my thoughts, my wishes and my soul are somewhere else. There’s a little bit of suffering in that, or a lot of suffering. Okay? Either way, there’s no peace there. That place of bringing

35:38 Speaker 2 In life, just so you know. But sometimes our conversations really do go to those places, and it’s so much fun. Then we say, “Why didn’t we record that for the podcast?” Right. Now I want to— you know what? I have another suggestion. If this makes you want to have conversations like these and you don’t have anyone to have them with, then go find someone. Mm-hmm. Because sometimes you find yourself in a social circle that you didn’t really choose; it just somehow came about. Now, it was Divine Providence that it came about, but if you feel something is missing, you’re not feeling that for no reason. You probably want more. So go look. I’m sure there’s someone in your area you can have a conversation with like the one we just had. I met someone not long ago who told me, “You know, I’m someone who really loves thinking deeply, and I don’t have anyone to do it with. I mean, I don’t have anyone to discuss things with.” Sometimes we really do live life on the surface, but we can also dive in and enjoy all the... Yes. Now, don’t worry, we have very different kinds of conversations too, but these conversations are fun as well. It just suddenly struck me that this was like a sisterly chat. Yes, a sisterly chat can take many forms. And we said, “Let’s give them a recap.” A recap. Let’s do it. We need a moment to sum it up for ourselves, because the conversation wandered. It took its own course, it really did. Um, first of all, I think anyone who was really listening could relate to that feeling of being physically in one place while my thoughts, my desires, and my soul are somewhere else. There’s a little bit of suffering in that, or a lot of suffering. Either way, there’s no peace there. That place of bringing

37:20 Speaker 2 To feel calm and be present in the moment, to understand that right now, all I need to do is what I need to do. Being present is simpler than it sounds. Okay, even when I’m cleaning, my thoughts can race, but I can also focus on what I’m doing. You want a tip? I can literally look at the baking pan I’m cleaning and concentrate on it. Wow, it’s black; wow, it’s blue. Deliberately focusing like that is a way of grounding yourself. Exactly. Paying attention. Really. It takes practice, and it doesn’t make the things themselves easy. It does simplify things, but it doesn’t make them easy. Okay? It just makes them grounded and brings you into the moment. I don’t want you to suffer. But what if I don’t feel like thinking about the pan? I don’t need to. I’m just saying, let’s choose what to think about. Say I feel like thinking about Chol Hamoed now, about what I’m going to do. Enjoy that. Enjoy letting your thoughts wander. First of all, there is such a thing as planning for the future, and that’s fine, but most of the time we don’t enjoy it. Think about yourself. Most thoughts about the future are worrying or stressful. How many times have you sat down to plan and found yourself smiling? You can count them on your fingers, and even then, you were probably doing it intentionally. Or say I want to think about positive things that happened because I had an unpleasant moment. Let’s think about them, the way we teach our children. In other words, don’t just let your thoughts race. Sit down and enjoy planning Chol Hamoed. Be present in the moment and enjoy it. Right, and then we talked about how you

38:59 Speaker 2 say, “I don’t want to focus on the pan.” Don’t focus on the pan; put on a podcast. Your thoughts will wander a little, but they’ll wander somewhere pleasant. They won’t wander into the stress of “When is Seder night already?” Right. You can either focus your thoughts on the moment or guide them toward good things ahead. You have control over that. Okay? In any case, most of the time when my thoughts wander, they go to unpleasant places. So my choice is either to be present in the moment or to help guide my thoughts—yes, toward the future, but somewhere a little more pleasant. We’ve had enough of suffering. How much can you plan under stress? How much can you plan while worrying about what will happen? And then add the whole security situation and wondering what will happen. Thinking about what might happen really helped us, didn’t it? All it did was make us feel distressed at that moment. How many of us actually opened a Tehillim and said some? Some did. But not nearly as often as those thoughts came up. So that’s what being present means. I can choose to focus my thoughts on the moment, on what I’m physically doing, or choose something that will take my thoughts somewhere positive. A podcast about Erev Yom Tov—or if I don’t feel like hearing about Erev Yom Tov, that’s perfectly fine too. Just some talk. Pick a talk about geography. There are plenty of podcasts on every subject. Or the music we spoke about. Adjust my surroundings to suit me. We talked about whether it works for me to have the children at home or not. That also helps me create my... Right, create my moment. I want you to get through these next few days without suffering. I’m not talking about shouting with joy right now. Okay? That’s the next stage. Wait. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. But it really is possible to get through this without as much suffering as there is now.

40:38 Speaker 2 And one way to get through it without suffering is to be present in the moment, instead of, “Come on, when is Seder night?” And then on Seder night, “Come on, when will it be over? I can’t face Chol Hamoed because there’s nothing to eat—or there’s too much to eat. And when will Pesach be over?”—without getting into different communities and subgroups—“When will Pesach be over? And oh, it’s so hot in here! When will this summer end?” And just like that, it’s over. Learning to be present is a shift within yourself. So practice it now, in the days before Pesach. Be present while trying on shoes, changing the sheets, and doing everything else on your list. Right. So that’s one thing we’ve talked about. And I want to bring up another point you made, which is a little more spiritual, but again, it’s very practical in the end. It’s understanding humility through contemplating hashgachah pratis, Divine Providence. That also gives me a certain peace, because it lets me be present in my own place. This is my home. This is the place where Hakadosh Boruch Hu put me. Social media has brought many good things, but it has also given us so many glimpses into worlds that aren’t ours. And that can fill my head with utterly unnecessary thoughts about things that aren’t meant for me. Why do you want to be someone else? Think about it: there’s only one of you. Why compare yourself to her? Hakadosh Boruch Hu wouldn’t really want you to compare yourselves. Now people will say to me, “But what about healthy envy? What about this?” Honestly, how often has that happened for you? Sure, it’s possible. I’ve learned a few things from people on social media, and the weaknesses... I think it really comes down, above all, to a lot of self-awareness. Pay attention. Start noticing what happens when you sit and watch things. What does it do

42:26 Speaker 2 to you? How does it make you feel? Does it make you... The test is the result. Right. Yes. Does it make you get up from the couch and start doing something good? Great. Then the content you’re watching is great. Most of the time, it doesn’t. Most of the time, it doesn’t. It leaves you feeling distressed. It gives you a sense of deprivation, of lacking something. “I’m missing something.” Right. “I don’t have that.” So why put yourself through that? And that’s exactly what you said about hashgachah pratis. Everything I have isn’t just a reason to be grateful for what I’ve been given. It’s understanding that what I have is exactly what... not only what I need for myself, but what I need for my whole shlichus in this world. So that brings us back again. By the way, this is another kind of presence. It also brings my thoughts into the present a little: that grounding, that calm I have. I have exactly what Hakadosh Boruch Hu wanted me to have—not just for me, but for my whole shlichus in the world. All my abilities, my family situation, my financial situation, my health—everything, everything is for my shlichus. So, sweetheart, come home. Yes, exactly. That’s the feeling I want. Quieting the mind. Quieting... You can play this on a speaker, but... Wow. It really is about coming home and coming back to yourself—but not so you can dwell on yourself. Come on, go back to the kids. Why are you listening to us? No, maybe you have headphones on. While you’re doing other things, while you’re doing other things. Either it’s playing out loud at home or you’re listening with headphones. I mean, I want you to come home. Look around. What’s happening here? What do I need to do right now? A presence that brings you into the here and now. That’s it. Speaking of Pesach: clean out the background noise. Right, but cleaning out background noise is really

44:04 Speaker 2 hard. I need to bring in other, pleasant music instead. Yes. I can’t just get rid of it. I can’t simply clean it out. All right, girls, good luck. And... you know, we got so caught up in the podcast that I forgot everything I need to do. So there you go—that’s being present in the moment. Actually, yes. I almost forgot I need to pick up a child from kindergarten. There you have it. So... bye. Wait, one second. No, it’s okay, it’s okay. We’re going; we have other things to do. Good luck to everyone, and have a truly kosher and joyous Pesach. Yes, and if you think this could help a friend, just send it to her. Send it to her, send it to groups, send it to friends. What did I say? Our shlichus is to record it. The shlichus of whoever listens is to share it onward. Absolutely. So, good luck, and enjoy it. Just enjoy it. Enjoy the moment, enjoy the cleaning, even enjoy Shabbos Hagadol. Enjoy bedikas chametz and Seder night, and may we reach the Geulah already, with Hashem’s help. Amen, amen, amen.