Preparing for Marriage - Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchok Frank shlita

00:02 Speaker 1 You’re listening to “Lema’an Yishme’u,” a podcast from Machon Halacha Chabad.

00:09 Speaker 2 Greetings to our dear audience. Naturally, we’re going to discuss matters of halacha. Halacha is a very broad subject, but we’ll focus on marriage, since that’s what I work with for most of the day. Marriage is a sacred matter, something ordered, distinctive, and firmly established among the Jewish people. The Jewish people have sacrificed their lives to have a chuppah and kiddushin according to the law of Moshe and Israel. First of all, the first rule in marriage is that everything must be clear. There is no room for ambiguity. Nothing can be left in some vague middle ground. It has to be clear, precise, and orderly. For example, when I’m working with a couple and they come to sit with me and register for marriage ahead of their wedding, from that moment on, I lose my sense of humor. From that moment on, I lose my ordinary powers of understanding. From that moment on, I don’t even recognize pantomime. Everything has to be completely clear to me. When a couple comes to register for marriage and I ask the groom, “Do you want to get married?” and he says, “Why do you think I came here?”—I don’t know why you came here. I know why I came here, but I don’t know why you came. I need to hear it. When I ask the bride, “Do you want to get married?” I don’t understand pantomime. I don’t know what a gesture like that means. It has to be a clear yes or no. No games, no sense of humor. A wedding is not something... It has to be clear, with no room for ambiguity, because there are entire discussions in halacha about matters left ambiguous—ambiguity that can even invalidate a marriage. Sometimes you ask a bride or groom, “Do you want to get married?” and they say yes, but it can mean a resounding no. And sometimes someone says no, but it means a resounding yes. You can’t leave the manner of—

02:32 Speaker 2 the answer ambiguous. It has to be clear. For instance, today you ask a groom, “Do you want to get married?” “Yeah, sure.” That sounds like “Yeah, sure,” but it could mean a resounding no. Or you ask the bride, “Do you want to get married?” “No, right.” Look, you can’t leave room for ambiguity. It has to be a clear yes or no, without any doubt. There are entire discussions in halacha about what a person means when they say something. For example, halacha discusses a woman who comes to the market to buy apples from a vendor. The vendor says to her, “I’ll give you apples. Will you marry me in exchange for the apples?” And she says, “Give them to me, give them to me.” What did she mean? “Give them to me, of course, gladly—I want to marry you”? Or “Give me the apples and stop bothering me with other games. I just want apples. Give them to me and leave me alone”? These are matters that have to be discussed. In general, you can’t spring a marriage on a couple. They have to talk about marriage and prepare for it. You can’t leave the situation unclear. They have to prepare for it and discuss marriage beforehand. It has to be clear. So when a couple approaches marriage, they need to know that marriage is not child’s play. Marriage is a major undertaking. Although it is one of the Torah’s positive mitzvos, we were not commanded to marry at thirteen, at bar mitzvah age, or earlier. There have been such cases, or cases later on. And for girls, even earlier than bas mitzvah, at twelve. Each person has been given time to reach a settled emotional maturity, so they can truly be mature and ready for a wedding. A wedding is not child’s play. You don’t let children play at marriage. Marriage is for an adult; it takes maturity.

04:57 Speaker 2 What does it mean to be an adult? Who is considered mature? The first stage of maturity is being able to separate from your family of origin, to separate from your parents and become independent. Real independence is maturity. That’s the first stage. You absolutely cannot marry a young man who is still attached to his mother by the umbilical cord. You can’t get married like that. Nor can you marry a young woman who is still, in effect, married to her father and hasn’t divorced him. There has to be complete independence. A person has to be mature. Parents generally find it hard to let go of their children and allow them to grow. Some parents continue to stand over them, push them, or keep watch over them. But both the parents and the young man or woman need to learn to take a step back and begin a new, independent path—independence that reflects maturity. We have to let the couple take that step and move forward, and give them room to develop. That itself is independence and maturity. Incidentally, there’s a very interesting allusion to this in the Torah. The Torah says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” That is the verse in the Torah. But the Targum, put into everyday language, says that a person must leave the sleeping quarters of his father and mother—in other words, Mom and Dad’s bedroom. What is a young man of thirty who is about to get married—or even twenty—doing there? What is he doing in their bedroom? He should have left that bedroom long ago, at three months old. The point is that Onkelos explains that to reach marriage, “a man shall leave his father and his mother.” It means separating from one’s family of origin and becoming independent—not cutting ties, G-d forbid. We cannot abandon the bond between generations. On the contrary, we remain connected and need our parents’ blessings.

07:36 Speaker 2 You can’t get married without your parents’ blessing. You can, but it’s not the same. They are the people best placed to bless the couple with success. But the couple has to be independent. The groom and bride must be mature and independent, making their own decision to marry. A wedding doesn’t work when it happens because you have to follow other people’s rules. You’re the one standing before the chuppah; you’re the one standing under the chuppah. It requires complete independence. It can’t be tied to someone else. We don’t have a school that teaches us how to be a good husband or a parent. We generally get that information from our parents. Sometimes we learn good things from them, and sometimes we learn things it would be better not to do. We can learn from our parents both what to do and what not to do: either “I want to be like my parents,” or “That’s how I don’t want to be.” That, too, is a lesson, but it’s a very limited one. You were born, grew up, matured, and developed your own judgment. But you weren’t there for the first thirty years of your parents’ marriage. You weren’t there when they began their journey. Today everything is sweet. Today they’re happy together. Today they suit each other so well. Don’t think your life together will start out that way. We hope it will be that way for you in thirty years. You begin the journey together and go through things together. So don’t think that your parents’ marriage is a model you can arrive at right away. It’s a good model, but not for right now. You weren’t there for the entire journey. You would have needed to see everything they went through in the early years, the first moments, the first challenges, the first problems, and all the things people face in life before they reached that wonderful point of being happy together after thirty years of marriage. It’s a good model, but give it time. That’s [unclear]—you have to build it.

10:08 Speaker 2 That. So a person has to separate from the family they grew up in, build complete independence, and start doing things and arranging things on their own. It’s very important: not just separating from your family, but becoming independent too. That means having a sound, stable self-image, not a low one, G-d forbid. Someone with low self-esteem has to address it before getting married. If you don’t value yourself, if you don’t love who you are, you won’t be able to marry in a healthy way. You won’t be able to love your spouse or your children. You need a sound, stable self-image, and you need to know and recognize your strengths. You can know your shortcomings too, but above all, you must be emotionally independent: build yourself up and become independent enough that you don’t need a stamp of approval from everyone around you or constantly try to please them. You have to be independent. And not only that: it is very, very, very important that when a couple enters marriage, they be capable of loving. Some people grew up without ever managing to love. They didn’t love a cat, they didn’t love a dog, they didn’t love an animal—let alone other people or children. Love is something you have to learn. Love means giving, giving without end, and you have to understand that. A loving person isn’t looking only for their own benefit; they seek the good of others and try to do things for them. Are you capable of love, or not yet? If not, then wait. Grow, develop, and then you’ll be able to establish a family of your own. The capacity to love is a mark of maturity. Once a person is mature, they can make room for someone else, make room for another person,

12:44 Speaker 2 and be devoted to them. That has to be a clear stage in one’s development. And the most important thing of all is decision-making: being able to make decisions. People—businesspeople, in particular—often learn how to do this. It isn’t easy to make a decision and be at peace with it. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not, but I made the decision. You have to be capable of deciding. I decided to get married, and I decided to build a home. That takes emotional maturity, which has to be there before marriage. Making decisions isn’t child’s play. People learn how to make them, but you don’t need to study it too much. You simply need to connect with your true self, with your innermost self. That is what we mean when we say, “He who makes peace in His heavens will make peace for us”—meaning peace within ourselves. I want to tell you a story as an example. What does it mean to connect with your true self? Chassidus discusses at length a concept called the first thought. Stay connected, and receive all the information that Hakadosh Boruch Hu wants to give you. Hakadosh Boruch Hu gives you the clearest, most orderly information. Let me tell you a story. One day, a couple was staying with us for Shabbos. Before Shabbos, we did the shopping and bought everything we needed. For some reason, that time my wife went shopping, not me. She went to the supermarket to buy what we needed for Shabbos. Among other things, she reached the drinks aisle. What should we serve on Shabbos? All those drinks are unhealthy, full of all sorts of chemicals. Better not. She decided water was healthiest—natural water, the healthiest thing. She was about to take some water when a second thought occurred to her: Wait, they’ll say we’re stingy Ashkenazim, serving only water. It’s Shabbos; we should do something a little nicer. So she thought she’d take some soda too. She was about to take the soda, but then thought: That doesn’t look right.

15:33 Speaker 2 It’s Shabbos; let’s make it nicer. So she went and bought all the sweet drinks. We sat down for the Shabbos meal on Friday night, and I noticed that the couple weren’t drinking. I asked them, “Which of the drinks on the table would you like me to pour for you?” They said, “Water would be best, or soda if there isn’t any.” So what does that tell us? Hakadosh Boruch Hu spoke to us. He gave us all the information, giving our minds what we need to make wise decisions. Don’t argue with yourself. The moment you argue with yourself, with that first thought, you’ve lost. I’ll give another example. I have a regular route that I take home from work every day. I leave the office and go home the same way each day; it never changes. One day I got into the car, and for some reason a thought came to me: Take a different route today. I argued with myself: Why? The usual route is quick. I know the way; everything is fine. Why should I change it? I insisted on taking my usual route. I got stuck there for twenty minutes in a traffic jam because of a suspicious object. By the time they determined that everything was fine and reopened the road, I had wasted twenty minutes. Hakadosh Boruch Hu speaks to you. Connect with your true self and make decisions according to what you sense inside. You won’t lose, even if a decision turns out to be wrong. You made a decision; you moved forward. You can always keep moving forward. Our whole problem is that we argue with our true selves. You’re a mature person, ready for a wedding. The doubts are there, but those doubts come only from the yetzer hara. Every doubt is Amalek: “safek,” doubt, has the same numerical value as “Amalek.” Every doubt comes from the negative side. Face the decisions. Decide according to your innermost self, your inner soul. That way you’ll always succeed in doing what is right, wonderful and good.

18:06 Speaker 2 The moment we start arguing with ourselves, we’ve lost. That’s why we ask: “He who makes peace in His heavens”—Hakadosh Boruch Hu, who makes peace between fire and water, between the angel Michael and the angel Gabriel—“will make peace for us.” For us: within ourselves. May we receive the right information and take the wonderful action that Hakadosh Boruch Hu helps us to take, through that first thought, which is connected directly to G-dliness, to the very essence of a Jew’s innermost point, “and for all the world.” If you are at peace with yourself, you can establish a family, live in peace with your wife, be at peace with your neighbors, with those around you, with everyone. But it has to begin with maturity, independence, the ability to love and the capacity to make decisions. Don’t let those around you make your decisions; don’t try to please everyone. Be yourself. You can’t get married if you haven’t reached maturity. The Torah didn’t command us to marry at thirteen. True, we become obligated in all the mitzvos at thirteen, but here you have to allow time to reach maturity. Once you’ve reached it, you can move forward. My dear brothers and friends, we are indeed discussing marriage. The first stage is very, very important in getting to a wedding at all. That first stage must involve maturity and clarity; there is no room for ambiguity. Things must be clear, understood and agreed upon, even if the decisions aren’t the very best, even if they aren’t entirely right. They are decisions we have made, clear decisions. Then we can go on and deal with what comes next. May Hashem help that every home we build be a G-dly home, a wonderful home, a home filled with light. We will return, as always, to the subject of Geulah, of the light that shines out from our homes. Greetings and blessings, dear community. We are discussing marriage, dealing with

20:38 Speaker 2 We’re talking about the most central and important matter for the Jewish people: building a Jewish home and ensuring the continuity of the generations. Usually, before deciding on meetings between a young man and a young woman, people focus mainly on making inquiries about the young man: what he’s like with his friends, how he behaves, what his character traits are. These are all important things, but we need to remember one important point: one kind of relationship cannot be compared to another, because each calls on a different layer of the soul. They’re simply not the same. A person may be able to hold a thousand people spellbound during a lecture, yet be unable to be a good father to his children. He may be a wonderful son to his parents but a poor friend. His coworkers may be very pleased with him, but at home he may be completely dull. Why? Because each relationship is a layer of its own. The part of my soul that I invest in occasional clients—people I meet once in a while, give some message to, and then go home—that’s one layer. But dealing with more regular clients requires another layer. The people who daven at my shul, the neighbors—that’s another layer already. There’s a more inward layer in how I relate to friends, but that’s nothing like the relationship of a child with his parents. There’s a parent’s relationship with his children, and there’s a person’s relationship with his spouse. Each comes from a different place in the soul. So you can’t compare one to another. Someone may be wonderful with the people close to him, but that doesn’t guarantee he’ll know how to behave the same way with his children. He may need to do additional work on that. So it’s very important to get to know the person, more or less: his character traits, his outlook, his inner direction. Is he someone who wants to help those around him and devote himself to the community? Is he concerned not only with himself, but also

23:08 Speaker 2 with those around him? But even that guarantees nothing. With every couple that comes to register for marriage, I have to assess how ready they are for it, so that their marriage will truly be successful for many good years. I see many couples who come to me to register for marriage, and I don’t understand why they’re getting married. They have no sense of direction; they don’t even know where they’re headed. When a person doesn’t know where he’s going, there’s very little chance he’ll get anywhere. If he knows where he’s going but doesn’t know the way, that’s all right—he can learn the way and get there. But when someone doesn’t know at all why he’s getting married, why he’s starting a family, or what this endless sacrifice is about—and it is a sacrifice. Starting a family means sacrifice; it means giving up something of yourself. A woman has to give up hours of sleep to care for her children—small children, older children, sick children—and keep giving. That’s endless devotion to others. It’s an enormous investment. It’s certainly very worthwhile, but it takes a great deal of work. It’s boundless devotion, and every moment of it is worthwhile. A person needs to be oriented toward giving. By the way, we all know the story of the Alter Rebbe: when he was in prison following an accusation, he was asked twenty-two questions. They asked about the change in the wording of the prayers, about things written in the Tanya, why he wrote that the sefirah of Malchus is the lowest sefirah—surely that was an affront to the king. They asked all kinds of questions, received fitting answers, and accepted all the answers as correct and clear. But there was one question about chapter one of the Tanya: “Why did you write that all the good the nations of the world do is only to enhance their own standing, and not for the sake of others? Why did you write such a thing? Explain.” The Alter Rebbe smiled and did not answer, and they accepted his smile as an answer. What

25:32 Speaker 2 happened there? The Alter Rebbe conveyed this message to them: “I’ve already convinced you on twenty-one questions that I’m right. Why would you want to hear this answer too and be convinced that I’m right? Let’s leave it.” And they accepted that. What was going on? The Western world does not recognize the sanctity of the family. Each person lives for himself, each for his own sake. It’s hard for them to appreciate sacrifice for others. Sadly, look at what’s happening in Europe today. People aren’t raising children; people live for themselves, pursue their careers, and have left behind sacrifice, family, giving. By the way, a few years ago I spent just three days in Warsaw—in Vienna, sorry, in Austria. I went for a lecture and a very brief activity and came back. Of course, I had small children at home then, and when you return from abroad you need to bring them a gift. I found myself spending half a day trying to find some sort of gift for the children. I walked around Vienna for three hours looking for a toy store. There weren’t any—nobody needed them; there were no children. Eventually I found a store, and the owner told me, “I’m about to close. I’m clearing out my stock. Take whatever you want for half price, as long as you help me get rid of the merchandise.” Why? He said, “Because children aren’t being born in Vienna. The only children being born here are to Turks who immigrated to Vienna or to the Jews who live here. I can’t make a living from this anymore. Nobody is having children.” That takes sacrifice. The Western world doesn’t know what that is. They look after their own interests, not the good of the community. By contrast, people of the East—the Arabs—know how to value the sanctity of the family. They value family and are prepared to give their lives for it. It’s in their nature. We Jews don’t need to learn their methods from them. We

28:09 Speaker 2 are all devoted to the continuity of the generations. We invest in the family, in its sanctity and its unity. We do everything we can for it. Every marriage involves sacrifice, endless giving. You can’t just move on as though it were nothing. You have to invest in it more and more, and that investment requires giving up your own comfort. The Alter Rebbe’s message to them was: Why would you want to see us prove to you that you’re completely off course? You don’t even know what you’re talking about. You’re not occupied with investing in future generations, only with your own interests and your own good. They accepted that as an answer. Clearly, the strength of the Jewish people is that we invest in family, in sanctity, in unity, and in the continuity of the generations—an investment of endless giving. So when making inquiries about young men and women before they meet, you have to pay attention to how deeply committed they are to serving the community. How much are they focused on giving, rather than on looking after themselves? “Where will I be comfortable?” It doesn’t say, “It is not good to be a person alone,” but “It is not good for the man to be alone.” If you want to be a person, don’t be alone. It takes an investment in giving, openness, and effort. If a person seeks only his own good, that marriage will be difficult: today he’s comfortable here, tomorrow he’ll be comfortable there, and then he’ll go looking somewhere else. But if he invests endlessly in the marriage, he is creating and building a strong foundation. That is a worthwhile investment. It’s important to emphasize that this investment in giving, building, and creating is a blessing and brings you all the happiness in the world. Children and watching them grow bring tremendous joy, but they require your investment. When you’re looking for your own personal comfort, today things are good here, tomorrow they’re better somewhere else, and the next day you’ve had enough here and you leave.

30:45 Speaker 2 Look for somewhere else. You see this among young people. Sometimes they find a place, a pub, sit there and enjoy it, and after a few days: “That’s it, we’ve had enough. Let’s find somewhere else.” No, no. We’re not looking for somewhere else. We’re going straight ahead. We’ve chosen our path and made a decision. We’re going to invest, to act, to do whatever we can to keep going and build this ongoing, boundless work. I want to stress that when a couple meets to get to know each other, there are important halachic questions that need attention. First of all, what do they talk about? Not every kind of conversation is appropriate. The conversation must be thoughtful and structured, in keeping with halachah—not forbidden or inappropriate talk. You have to consider your words carefully. Where should you meet? You can’t meet just anywhere. You need to choose a place thoughtfully, one with the right atmosphere and peace of mind to assess things properly. And of course there are rules of conduct during meetings. There can be no physical contact—not before the wedding. Beyond that, there are rules of conduct: What may you do, and what may you not do? These are halachic matters that must be observed carefully. All of this has been tested over generations, through many years of practice and life experience. You can rely on our long Jewish tradition. It is wonderful and precise, and it has built many homes. There’s a practice of proposing marriage by getting down on one knee. That raises serious halachic problems; it doesn’t fit with modesty or with halachic guidelines. Everything must be clear, precise, and properly arranged according to halachah. It’s well worth thinking about. But I’ll take this opportunity to offer a piece of advice. Many people use technological tools

33:26 Speaker 2 to put together a profile of themselves and their lives—who they are and what they’re looking for in a spouse. You need to think about this and examine it very carefully, not casually. What do you write, and how do you write it? This isn’t a place for games or jokes. Of course a sense of humor is very important in marriage, and I’ll talk about that later, but at this stage you need to be matter-of-fact and precise. Everything must be written properly. This isn’t the place for stories, poetry, or fantasies. The person’s practical details need to be as accurate as possible. Some people attach a photo. That may be a good thing or it may not; from a halachic perspective, it may be somewhat less modest. But in any case, if you do attach a photo, think very carefully about which one you send. Think about what message it conveys. If you take a photo in your scruffy everyday clothes because you want to look friendly or, as people say, “sachi”—I don’t know—that’s not appropriate. This is about marriage. Marriage needs to be treated seriously and sensibly. A man has himself photographed with friends; a woman with her friends. The point of that isn’t clear. Be focused, clear, and organized. Choose a photo, and think carefully about what you write. If you decide to give the names of people who can recommend you, check with them first: can they give you a good recommendation, or could one misplaced word spoil things for you? Consider what they’ll say. Consider whether they’re suited to convey the message you want to convey, and whether it will really come through. Ask their permission before giving their names at all, and so on. So it’s very important to lay the groundwork for getting to know each other properly. The meetings must be clear,

36:11 Speaker 2 orderly, organized, calm, and pure, so that we can convey the right, clear message. Getting to know each other should be free of outside considerations and focused only on what matters. Our judgment should be clear and orderly; what we show on the outside should reflect who we are inside, and who we are inside should reflect our innermost selves. Perhaps I’m not like that outwardly every day, but that’s what I aspire to; that’s the direction I’m working toward. The message needs to be clear and orderly. Think about what you’re sending, what your profile says. Consider exactly what’s written in it. It must be matter-of-fact, clear, and true. Once you’ve met, observe the rules of halachah. There are things you can’t give. Of course, if a man spends several hours with a prospective bride and doesn’t offer her water to drink, that doesn’t show concern for her; it shows concern for himself. He isn’t thinking about her. He should offer. On the other hand, giving anything raises a halachic question. Actually, halachah did not treat giving in itself as a concern. By the way, there’s a very nice little story. In Jerusalem there’s a synagogue—like the Itzkovitz synagogue in Bnei Brak, where minyanim come and go all the time. There’s a synagogue like that in Jerusalem, in Zichron Moshe, where many people daven every day and a new minyan starts every few minutes. They tell of a poor young widow who would stand at the entrance collecting money to support herself and her orphaned children, approaching the people coming in to daven. There was a clever Jerusalem fellow who decided to take care of every halachic detail, of course. Whenever he gave her tzedakah, he would emphasize, “This is for tzedakah, G-d forbid not for marriage.” That was how he made sure he was giving her tzedakah and not proposing marriage, so she wouldn’t think it was

38:46 Speaker 2 for marriage. After he’d said it once or twice, people told him, “Listen, the fact that you keep stressing that it isn’t for marriage is a problem. There’s a concept that ‘from doing something not for its own sake, one comes to do it for its own sake.’ Nobody was thinking about marriage, but if you suddenly keep stressing, ‘not for marriage, not for marriage,’ it starts to become a problem. Just give her tzedakah and leave it at that.” We do give, though we try, for example, not to give mishloach manos from a man to a woman, in accordance with halachah, but rather from woman to woman and man to man. There are details about this in the laws of tzedakah. So when, during these meetings, someone offers a drink or a meal, a halachic question begins to arise. We have to take a balanced approach and offer a drink in a way that carries no suggestion of marriage. Gifts, though, still cannot be given, because they could suggest marriage, and we haven’t yet decided that we want to marry each other. We shouldn’t create halachic problems for the future. But everything needs to be clear and orderly. On the one hand, there are basic rules of conduct—what people call being a gentleman. A person should be courteous, offer a drink, and not be self-absorbed. On the other hand, we need to know that there are halachic issues too, and it’s best to handle this properly. Offering water is permitted, but before going further, you need to think twice. I wish all of the Jewish people blessing and success in building faithful Jewish homes, with boundless dedication and investment. We still need to discuss what comes next. Once you’ve decided to establish your home on the firm foundations illuminated by the teachings of Chassidus, and you want to build an everlasting home, you need to understand what building means. That will be the subject of the next class, with Hashem’s help. Many blessings and much success. Dear community, greetings and blessings. We’re discussing marriage from a conceptual, halachic, and Chassidic perspective. You’ve decided,

41:23 Speaker 2 A wonderful couple, building your faithful Jewish home on the firm foundations of Chassidus. May your shidduch be at a good and auspicious time. Now we need to talk about building the home. Just as there are laws concerning the Beis Hamikdash, there are also principles for building a home—our own personal home. Of course, there is a very strong parallel between the Beis Hamikdash and our private homes. The Beis Hamikdash is connected to them: if, G-d forbid, a person gets divorced, the altar sheds a tear. By contrast, when a couple builds their home and there is peace in it, the altar brings atonement for the Jewish people and brings us an abundance of blessing. There is a connection between the Beis Hamikdash and marriage, between the altar and building a home. I’d like to speak a little about what goes into a home, what it looks like, and how we build it. In general, nowhere does the Torah say where the Beis Hamikdash is located. We know it was in Jerusalem, on Mount Moriah, but the Torah does not explicitly state its location. On the contrary, it says, “They shall make Me a sanctuary, and I will dwell within them”—within each and every Jew. In other words, the Beis Hamikdash is each person’s private home. I’ll discuss the parallel between the Beis Hamikdash and our own homes. You ascend to the Beis Hamikdash: “You shall arise and ascend to the place.” There has to be an ascent. A person must remember this firm rule: you go up to the Beis Hamikdash. You ascend spiritually, too. You can’t behave at home the way you behave in the marketplace. In the marketplace, people say, “The boss has gone crazy,” and there’s cursing and all sorts of talk. That doesn’t enter the home. You’ve risen to a higher level. You can’t enter the home without that ascent. There were steps leading up to the Beis Hamikdash, higher and higher, and at each ascent there was a bow. Why bow? Because there needs to be bittul: to lie face down on the ground, to be “may my soul be like dust to all,” to set yourself aside. Because

43:56 Speaker 2 the moment I’m caught up in a sense of “me,” looking out for myself, that doesn’t fit with marriage or with the Beis Hamikdash. You ascend to the Beis Hamikdash. Incidentally, today, thank G-d, because we are so close to the Geulah, there’s a highway to Jerusalem—Highway 1. You go straight up, directly to Jerusalem, to the Beis Hamikdash. But many years ago, the road to Jerusalem went through old Motza, where there is a road called the Seven Sisters. Why the Seven Sisters? Because it has seven bends. You climb, and the road twists again and again—one turn, then another, then another. Why did Hashem make it that way? Thank G-d, we are approaching the Geulah. The Jewish people’s middos have already been refined. We are approaching the refinement of the intellect, and we can already reach the Geulah. But in the past, someone who wanted to ascend to Jerusalem had to refine his middos, the seven middos. You can’t enter marriage without refining your middos—without reducing anger, reducing pride, and reducing negative traits. That refinement is essential. So when the Jewish people went up to Jerusalem, to the Beis Hamikdash, they passed through the Seven Sisters, those seven bends, in order to arrive at the Beis Hamikdash in the right way. You ascend to the Beis Hamikdash, and that ascent is also a rise in spiritual level. A person knows not to behave as he does in the marketplace. When you enter the Beis Hamikdash, your behavior is different; it moves to a much higher spiritual level. And as I ascend to the Beis Hamikdash, I want to remember that it is a beautiful, wonderful place, with several remarkable features. First, its windows were the opposite of ordinary windows. In houses built to let light in from outside, the windows were wide on the outside and narrowed toward the inside, so the outside light could enter. The opening on the inside could be narrow, leaving more space, while the outside was wide to let the light in. In the Beis Hamikdash it was the other way around. The windows were wide on the inside, so the light would shine outward. We turn our own homes into beacons of light. From our homes, we cast light outward. From a home built in holiness and purity, on the firm foundations of Torah, Chassidus, and doing good, we let light shine out to the public. The Beis Hamikdash was kept reasonably clean. They didn’t go to extremes cleaning it; a quick wash, and that was it. Why? Because a home should be clean, but not polished to a shine. A home that gleams—Hashem protect us—probably isn’t lived in, or the family isn’t there. A home where people live is a dynamic home. The Beis Hamikdash was clean, but it wasn’t polished and perfectly tidy and organized. It had to be reasonable. In the Beis Hamikdash, where the offerings were brought, there was a firm rule: an offering from a wealthy person and an offering from a poor person received the same treatment. We don’t speak in terms of rich and poor, of class differences, as though, when building a home, I must be in the top income bracket and not the bottom one. There is no such thing. We build our home in its own place, where every side is treated equally—the wealthy person’s offering and the poor person’s offering alike. We make no distinction. One of the problems at a certain time in the Beis Hamikdash was that they made a distinction, so to speak, between an offering from a wealthy person, which brought many gifts to the kohanim, and the other offering. The Beis Hamikdash became desolate at that time. Many people stopped coming because of it. In a holy home, wealthier things are not valued more than poorer things. Everyone is equal before Hakadosh Boruch Hu. Among the offerings, the sin offering and the burnt offering were slaughtered in the same place: “In the place where the burnt offering is slaughtered, the sin offering shall be slaughtered.” A burnt offering is a great gift

46:28 Speaker 2 to Heaven. You give the whole offering; it goes up entirely to Hashem. A sin offering is an offering for a sin, an offering brought by someone who has sinned. Part of it goes to the owner, part to the kohen, part to the kohen, and part to the Beis Hamikdash. The sin offering was slaughtered in the same place as the burnt offering, showing that they are treated the same before Hakadosh Boruch Hu. We aren’t always looking for someone to blame. An asham offering belongs only in the Beis Hamikdash. A sin offering belongs only in the Beis Hamikdash. Here, we aren’t constantly looking for who made the mess or who is at fault. We want the person to take responsibility, but what we seek is to make the whole situation right. In the Beis Hamikdash there is a place called the Holy of Holies. No one enters it except the Kohen Gadol, once a year, on the holiest day of the year. In our own homes, the Holy of Holies is the couple’s bedroom. No one else enters it—not even the children. I understand that a small child may stay there for the first few months, so his mother doesn’t have to go and get him when he cries at night, but that has to end quite quickly. No one enters the Holy of Holies except the Kohen Gadol—except the couple. It is a sacred place for the couple alone. More than that, if the Kohen Gadol entered the Holy of Holies without pure thoughts, he would not come out alive. We, too, enter our Holy of Holies, the bedroom, with pure thoughts. Those thoughts must be solely for building the family home, for the other person. Otherwise, you don’t come out of it alive. Nothing good comes of it—only bad. This has to be properly arranged. Only the Kohen Gadol enters the Holy of Holies. Our home, like the Beis

49:08 Speaker 2 To Heaven. You give the entire offering; all of it goes up wholly to Hashem. A chatas is a sin offering, an offering brought by someone who has sinned. Part of it goes to the owners, part goes to the kohen, part goes to the kohen, and part goes to the Beis Hamikdash. The olah is slaughtered in the same place as the chatas, to show that before Hakadosh Boruch Hu, it all becomes the same. We are not always looking for someone to blame. An asham offering exists only in the Beis Hamikdash. A chatas offering exists only in the Beis Hamikdash. But here, we are not always looking for who made the mess, who is at fault. We want that person to take responsibility, but what we are looking for is the wholeness of the entire matter. In the Beis Hamikdash, there is a place called the Holy of Holies. No one enters it except the Kohen Gadol, once a year. On the holiest day of the year, the Kohen Gadol enters it. In our own home, the Holy of Holies is the couple’s bedroom. No one else enters it, not even children. I understand that a small child may stay there for the first few months, so his mother does not have to go and get him at night when he cries, but that has to end very quickly. No one enters the Holy of Holies except the Kohen Gadol—except the couple. It is the sacred place where only the couple are present. And more than that: if the Kohen Gadol entered the Holy of Holies without pure thoughts, he would not come out alive. We, too, enter our Holy of Holies, the bedroom, with pure thoughts. Those pure thoughts must be solely for building the family home, for the other person. Otherwise, you do not come out of it alive. Nothing good comes of it—only bad. It has to be properly arranged and ordered. Only the Kohen Gadol enters the Holy of Holies. Our home is like the Beis

51:29 Speaker 2 In the Beis Hamikdash, there were people appointed to specific duties. The roles were clearly assigned and organized, and each person had his own task. One Levi guarded a gate, while another played an instrument. If a Levi assigned to guard a gate switched from being a gatekeeper to being a musician, then according to halachah, the work he performed was invalid. Everyone has a role in the kingdom we build within our own home, too. Each spouse has a role and must fulfill it. It is not healthy, desirable, or right for a man to act like a woman or a woman to act like a man. That is not how we build this kingdom. Each has a role. This is precisely what shalom bayis is about. The Rebbe says that shalom has several meanings. It can mean a state of no war: we have stopped fighting. It is also related to shleimus, wholeness, and to hashlamah, complementing one another. A state of no fighting is nice, but it is not true peace. True peace in the home—shalom bayis—must rest on a clear division of roles. Each person knows their strengths and their role, what they contribute to the kingdom, and how they are meant to contribute. And each must understand that one completes the other. Each has their own role, their own ideas, their own purpose, and their own dedication. That is peace in the home. Shalom bayis comes about when the right boundaries are in place. Everyone has a role. Among the Jewish people, there are distinctions between weekdays and Shabbos. The weekdays affect Shabbos: one who prepared on the eve of Shabbos will eat on Shabbos. But Shabbos blesses all the days that follow it. Among the Jewish people,

54:00 Speaker 2 there is also a division: Kohanim, Levi’im, and Yisraelim. Each has a role, and each contributes their part with dedication to the shared purpose. Together, that is peace—shalom bayis for many long and good years. I wish each and every one of you peace in your home for many long and good years. My brothers and friends, dear congregation, in discussing marriage we are dealing with something sacred, wonderful, and fundamental in the Torah. We are trying to fill the home with meaning, to make it a home with peace in it. Shalom is related to shleimus, wholeness. It is also related to hashlamah, complementing one another, because each person is different from the other. A home should be a wonderful, good place, a place to live, a place where a person has room to breathe. It should be a place where they can bring their whole self and be who they are, with their entire essence and being. A home does not have to be a museum. A museum is a very beautiful place, but you cannot live in a museum. A hotel is also a wonderful, lovely place, but it is not a place to make your home—perhaps just somewhere to stay for one night. A home needs its own life and energy. It needs to be a place where a person can reveal their entire essence. “He desired to have a dwelling in the lower realms.” Hakadosh Boruch Hu wants His entire essence and being to be revealed here in this world, in this dwelling. A dwelling is a place to live, a wonderful place for those who live in it. In the home, that means shalom bayis. We need to recognize that there are different roles. Even as a couple stands under the chuppah, they need to know that there are different partners in this kingdom. A man and a woman are not built the same way, physically or neurologically. Each is built differently, and each brings their own strengths, their own role, and their own purpose to the kingdom. It takes both spouses to build a home and a family. Husband and wife are both partners, but different partners,

56:36 Speaker 2 completely different. Generally, we try to make a very clear division: matters of Heaven are the husband’s domain and responsibility, while earthly matters, everything connected with the physical side of life, are under the direction of the akeres habayis, the woman who is the mainstay of the home. Of course, there is cooperation. That cooperation is essential and very real, and it must be clearly organized and firmly established between them. In truth, the age at which we marry presents a challenge. The older a man or woman gets, the more accustomed they become to living alone, making decisions alone, and living on their own terms. That makes it harder to establish and build a home. When people married younger, it was much easier to make that work. But this is the reality we live in, and it is not an insurmountable problem. We simply need to start addressing it. When a couple enters their home, they know that they are both partners, partners with full rights. Each has their share in the partnership. But just as two kings cannot rule one kingdom together, in a home, too, neither person can be the sole ruler, expecting everyone to accept their opinion and obey them. It does not work that way. Each has their own areas of responsibility, interest, authority, and decision-making. Of course, everything is done together, in cooperation. People often ask me what is better: to marry a woman who is similar to me, or one who is different from me, so that we complement each other? It is a good question, and the answer is very simple: it really depends on you. Each has advantages, and each has disadvantages. If a man marries a woman who is like him, who is on exactly the same wavelength, who thinks about much the same things, talks about the same things, and reasons in much the same way, that is lovely,

59:03 Speaker 2 that is wonderful. They are on the same wavelength, and it works well. The problem is that after a month, that partnership can feel as though they have been together for five years, and after five years, as though they have been together for fifty. The greatest enemy of marriage is falling into a routine. Marriage constantly needs renewal. You cannot leave it on exactly the same track all the time. There must be renewal; there must be change and room for things to change. You cannot be rigid and predictable all the time. The same is true of the opposite situation. Suppose someone spontaneous marries a woman who is, as they say, very structured and organized. That might be nice, but it could also be devastating. He might wake up one morning and say, “I’m feeling spontaneous. I’m going to Dubai right now,” while she needs to get up, go to work, come home on schedule, and stick to her daily routine. That spontaneity could overwhelm her, and the reverse is true as well. Yes, there are strengths and drawbacks on both sides. If it suits the couple, then of course it works for them. But if it does not, they need to work on it: make changes, solve problems, invest effort, bring things together, and learn to fit together. This is a full partnership. Each person must be given their standing, their role and strengths, their areas of interest, and their sphere of responsibility. But it must be a partnership together. And remember: just as you are not perfect, the woman beside you is not perfect either. You entered marriage at a young age. You are not perfect yet; you still have things to learn, things to correct, and things to do. Your lives are still ahead of you. She is not perfect either. Do not get upset because she is not perfect, because

1:01:24 Speaker 2 You aren’t perfect either. Each person needs to understand that this partnership is with someone different from you, someone who isn’t perfect, just as you aren’t perfect. Everyone has strengths and shortcomings. So you build together. It’s a process of building that takes effort, solutions, work, investment, and thought: solving problems, building together, sitting down and finding the right path. A sense of humor really is very healthy. It eases tension. In marriage, you have to use humor a lot; it reduces tension. Being able to laugh at myself lets me see myself from an outside perspective. I’m laughing at myself, which means I’m stepping outside myself. I can reflect; I can see other sides of myself too. I can deal with a problem when I’m not stuck inside it. So humor is very healthy, and it’s wonderful if you can use it. But not excessively. You can’t turn married life into endless jokes. That doesn’t work. It’s too serious for that. It requires work, investment, and seriousness. Endless joking doesn’t work. Everything has to be measured, balanced, and precise. We keep filling the relationship, the shalom bayis, with substance. We see that each person is different from the other; this is a partnership between different people. A man is built differently, and a woman is built differently. A man doesn’t give much thought to things outside his areas of interest. A woman does devote more thought, effort, and attention to detail to other things. Sometimes I joke that a woman can remember what she wore to her neighbor’s cousin’s wedding three years ago, while I can’t remember what I ate last night, because men

1:03:57 Speaker 2 don’t attach much importance to that. Even though a man is called a zachar, there isn’t much zecher—memory—there. Far from it. He remembers only what he wants to remember, and he forgets very quickly. The way spouses speak is also completely different. A great many problems caused by poor communication between spouses could be avoided if each understood how a woman or a man approaches speech. A man’s speech is much more casual. He won’t put too much thought into what he says. On the contrary, when he has to weigh his words, he tires very quickly and loses interest. He needs to be able to just talk freely. One man might tell another, “Go to hell,” in a friendly way. He certainly doesn’t mean, G-d forbid, that the other person should fall from the eighth floor and break into pieces, though that’s what “go to hell” means. Women speaking to other women have their own codes, an entirely different way of speaking. One woman won’t say things to another that will later be taken to have a much deeper meaning. So we need to learn that this partnership isn’t with someone like you, but with someone completely different from you. The partnership isn’t perfect, but it is built, and it can be filled with tremendous light and strength, with great holiness. The Beis Hamikdash was built so that the Shechinah would dwell there. If the Shechinah doesn’t dwell in the home, it is very hard to succeed in building this kingdom. As is well known, the Hebrew words for “man” and “woman” have the same letters, except that “man” has a yud and “woman” has a hei. Yud and hei form Hashem’s Name. If you don’t bring Hakadosh Boruch Hu into the home with holiness and purity, what remains is fire and fire. That’s not a cliché; it’s the absolute truth. The home has to be built together. By the way, I strongly recommend that a couple build their home on their own during the first year. Usually, when a building is under construction, there’s a sign saying: “Danger—construction site.” Why?

1:06:27 Speaker 2 “Danger—construction site.” Should I put on a hard hat too, like the workers, and go in to work? No, no, no. Everyone knows their role in the construction. You might mean well and say that the room is in the wrong place and needs to be moved to the right. You might come with the best intentions and offer good advice: “Why did you put the living room here? This should be the kitchen, and the kitchen should be the living room.” Good advice is always good, but not while your kingdom is being built. Even the best intentions can bring the whole building down. So during the first year, focus on building your own home. Avoid hosting too many guests; everything needs the right measure and balance. Of course, as you build, welcoming guests is a very healthy, right, wonderful thing, entirely suited to a kingdom under construction. On the contrary, it gives tremendous strength and stability. It brings abundant blessing. But everything must be in the right measure and with full agreement and partnership. It can’t be a matter of one person deciding how the kingdom will be, and that’s the end of the story. The moment only one person makes the decisions, with no room for discussion, things aren’t right and won’t work. There has to be a shared, well-organized foundation that you build together. We’re talking about what we put into the home, and we mentioned that we need to bring Hakadosh Boruch Hu into it. Without Hakadosh Boruch Hu, life in the kingdom will be fire and fire. We need to bring Hakadosh Boruch Hu in. How do we do that? By establishing halachic rules. We don’t move an inch beyond the boundaries of halachah. Everything we do at home follows halachah. Halachah is the word of Hashem. Hakadosh Boruch Hu has nothing in His world but the four cubits of halachah. Once we bring halachah and its rules into the home, the building stands on firm foundations. Of course, if we also bring in the teachings of Chassidus,

1:08:52 Speaker 2 that brings in a light of tremendous intensity. And once that light enters, it affects everything inside, brings blessing, and puts things in order. There are ways to solve problems. There are ways to learn how to behave. There are ways to change. Any couple entering marriage can succeed tremendously if the match is appropriate according to halachah. If it isn’t appropriate according to halachah, there is nothing for them to do together; there will be no blessing in that match. But once it is appropriate according to halachah, with proper guidance they can succeed tremendously and build their kingdom in a clear, successful, good, and wonderful way. All that remains is for me to wish you, truly from the bottom of my heart, blessing, success, abundance, peace, love, brotherhood, peace, and friendship, as we say in the wedding blessings. I wish you success in building your kingdom. With Hashem’s help, we’ll continue discussing marriage and other related subjects. Blessings and success, and a complete Geulah. My dear brothers and friends, we’re discussing marriage—preparing for a wedding and the wedding day. The time between the decision to marry and the wedding is very difficult. Generally, the yetzer hara doesn’t let the building of such a wonderful home go smoothly. During this period there’s a lot of tension, a lot of problems, and a lot going on. It’s best for this period to be as short as possible and for the couple to have some distance from each other. Not a break, not a severing of contact, but some distance. That is, it is customary for the young man to go study in yeshivah near the Rebbe until the wedding, leaving all the wedding preparations to the bride, because that is her side of things, her domain, what she needs to decide. Of course, it must all be coordinated, agreed upon, and discussed. Step aside, dear groom. Let the bride manage that day and go over the practical plans. Immerse yourself in Torah study, in healthy preparation for a healthy marriage.

1:11:41 Speaker 2 Sit and learn. Step back and spend some time apart. Talk with each other so you don’t lose touch. Speak by phone, but not too much—just a little. Set a schedule, perhaps once a week, in consultation with your mashpia. Don’t overdo it, because this is a tense time, a time when trouble can arise. Why? Because the Satan will not let such a wonderful building be built quietly without sticking his nose in. So step aside; each of you should take your own corner. Make your preparations, both spiritual and practical, each of you doing your part. That is how this kingdom will be built properly and healthily. Now we are approaching the wedding. Once all the preparations have been completed in an orderly way, we come to the chuppah itself. There are so many halachic matters involved in the chuppah, so that everything will be clear, as we said at the outset. In marriage there is no room for ambiguity; everything must be clear and orderly. On the day of the chuppah, we recite the appropriate blessings for the couple and wish them the deepest, most wonderful blessings—only so that they will be happy for many good years to come. The blessings and the entire chuppah ceremony also have halachic substance. A single woman must become a married woman. What exactly is the point of no return that makes her married? There are so many halachic discussions about this. One says this, another says that, and a third says something else. To satisfy all the opinions, we do all of these things at the chuppah. Some say that giving the money—the ring—is the act of kiddushin, the point of no return. But it is not so simple. Suppose I went into a furniture store, ordered furniture and paid for it, but had not yet received it. A fire broke out in the store, and the entire bedroom set I ordered was destroyed. Whom does the insurance pay—me or the business owner? Is it already mine or not? I paid for it. Halachically, it is not simple. Giving

1:14:25 Speaker 2 the ring does not yet settle everything. Is it entering the chuppah, entering the home, the blessings, or the meal? Which is it? So, to remove all doubt, we carry out the entire sequence of the chuppah in a way that satisfies all the halachic opinions, through to entering the yichud room. Before the chuppah, on the wedding day, as is our custom, a kesubah must be written. The kesubah is the point at which the groom finally begins to take on obligations and signs for them. These are clear obligations. The kesubah is a document recording the groom’s commitments to the bride. In it we write the date, which must be exact; the place where the chuppah is held, which must also be exact; and the names of the groom and bride, with their proper designations and all the relevant details. For the document to be halachically valid, these must be accurate, as must the main text of the kesubah, which sets out the husband’s obligations to his wife. The husband undertakes ten obligations, three from the Torah and seven instituted by the Sages. He takes on all of them. I will try to go through some of the halachic questions involved. First of all, from my experience, it is highly advisable for the rabbi officiating at the chuppah to write the kesubah calmly. By “calmly,” I mean not at the wedding hall. In the evening at the hall, or during the day when the groom arrives, the photographers usually arrive too, and the parents sit down together for the writing of the kesubah. The rabbi has to concentrate on writing, but meanwhile people want to keep things lively, so someone makes a joke, someone else makes a comment, then there is another joke. He is not at ease, yet the kesubah has to be written precisely and clearly. Incidentally, I’ll tell you a story. Decades ago, I had to officiate at a chuppah on Purim. I went after the Purim meal, when we had drunk mashke to the point of ad delo yada. I was on my way to officiate, and only then did I sit down to write the kesubah. That day I wrote seven kesubos. That was another story. You have to be calm; you have to be organized. It is best for the rabbi to write

1:17:23 Speaker 2 the kesubah calmly, so as not to create halachic problems that could be very serious. How should you write the date? How should you write the day of the month? How should you write the months? How should you write the place? The place is very important. Just as an example, there are four places in Israel with almost the same sound. There is a kibbutz near Akko called Afek, a kibbutz in the Golan Heights called Afik, a neighborhood in Tel Aviv called Afeka, and a city in the south called Ofakim. They all sound almost alike, and you have to be precise, or the kesubah may be invalid. The kesubah must be clear. The names of the groom and bride also require careful thought. Someone may be called Dani, but his name is Daniel; or Eli, which might be Eliyahu or Eliezer. All sorts of people are called Eli for short—Eliezer, Eliyahu, Elyashiv. Which name is his? You must write it correctly. The father’s name, whether he is a Kohen, Levi or Yisroel, the family name—these need to be specified. In many such cases there are halachic questions, and the details must be exact for both the bride and the groom. Just as a curiosity, I know a man who has four kesubos. Unfortunately, the first was written more or less properly, with a minor issue that did not invalidate it. He went to another rabbi, who told him, “No, that does invalidate it,” and prepared a new kesubah for him. He then went to a third rabbi, who said it contained mistakes and that a third kesubah had to be written. Finally he came to me, and I had to write him a fourth. So he goes around with four kesubos. There are people like that. But please, Rabbi, give it thought. Conduct the chuppah properly. Write the kesubah calmly and unhurriedly. Then when you come to the chuppah, you will have very little left to write, and

1:19:54 Speaker 2 you can share in the experience, make the jokes and join the celebration, without creating any halachic problem, because everything has been prepared and organized. Then there is choosing witnesses. That too is a whole subject. Witnesses must meet specific halachic requirements. Some are disqualified because they are relatives—not because being relatives makes them unreliable. On the contrary, they might be the best witnesses precisely because they are family. But that is not how it works: the Torah rules that even Moshe and Aharon could not testify for one another, because they were brothers. Moshe Rabbeinu and Aharon HaKohen could not testify for one another. Other witnesses may be disqualified for different halachic reasons. So you need suitable witnesses who meet the halachic requirements. This is part of a process that is not simple, and it calls for orderly preparation. There are many more details concerning the wording of the kesubah and the halachic questions it raises. The bride’s status matters: an unmarried woman receives more; a widow, less. All the details of the kesubah matter. I repeat: the kesubah is a document recording the groom’s obligations to his wife. It must be explained and understood, so that when he signs, he knows what he is signing and what he is undertaking. He is building and establishing his home on strong, holy and pure foundations. The kesubah is not something to be dealt with casually, and the same is true of everything else. Throughout this day of holiness and purity, we put great effort into preparing spiritually for the chuppah. But we must also make sure that everything is proper, valid and correct according to halachah, for the sake of the couple’s healthy life together for many good years to come. I wish you that your home will hasten and speed the building of the third Beis Hamikdash by Melech HaMoshiach, immediately, right now. Blessings and success.