Train Up a Child According to His Way - Rabbi Yosef Avraham Pizem shlita

00:02 Speaker 1 You are listening to the Lema’an Yishme’u podcast from Machon Halacha Chabad.

00:09 Speaker 2 In the classes we are beginning now, we will first discuss general principles of education as they emerge from the teachings of His Holiness the Rebbe, Melech HaMoshiach shlita. We will try to explore them in depth, while presenting them simply and practically. These classes are intended for everyone involved in education: teachers, fathers and mothers, and counselors. The Rebbe’s approach: principles of education. Let’s begin. The Torah’s mitzvah of education is to tell one’s child the story of the Exodus from Egypt: “And you shall tell your son.” Regarding this mitzvah, our Sages established a rule that appears in the Mishnah, Pesachim, chapter 10, mishnah 4: “A father teaches his son according to the son’s understanding.” In other words, we need to consider the child’s way of thinking and look for ways to reach him that suit his nature. And the Sages instructed us regarding education. King Shlomo, the wisest of all men, said: “Educate a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not depart from it.” Education, then, is a discipline that must be practiced “according to his way”—according to the abilities and tools of the child being educated. Of course, although the verse says “educate a child” in the masculine, it also refers to girls, as is the case with a number of verses in the Torah. This general principle of education, which the Rambam explains at length in discussing “educate a child according to his way,” is presented in Chassidus as an excellent approach to education. When a child is born, he cannot yet walk, much less run or jump. Over time, though, he begins to take steps and walk. Later he can run, and eventually even jump. This pattern in the physical world teaches us about the spiritual. A child’s education must proceed step by step—in learning, in observing mitzvos, and in avoiding undesirable things. In learning, as the Mishnah and halacha rule, one progresses from the alef-beis to Scripture, then to Mishnah, and so on. In observing mitzvos and developing good conduct, the child advances all the time, step by step.

03:42 Speaker 2 Only afterward is he ready to “run to perform a mitzvah.” When it comes to avoiding undesirable things, the approach should be “little by little I will drive them out.” That means gradually, one task at a time, one detail at a time. The understanding and nature of the child being educated: as the Rambam puts it, a child’s understanding is limited. We therefore need to speak his language and adapt our educational approach to him—both in the way we explain the Torah and its mitzvos, and in the ways we encourage him to observe mitzvos and study Torah, as we will discuss. How we explain things: with a genuine desire and appropriate thought, we can find the words to explain matters of faith to children in a way suited to their age and understanding. This is what people call speaking at eye level: giving them things they can take in, understand, internalize, feel, and identify with. With faith and feeling, but in terms they can grasp. Ways of encouraging them—ways to encourage proper conduct in the path of Torah and mitzvos, especially as illuminated by the teachings of Chassidus. In Hilchos Teshuvah, the Rambam explains at length that the reason for observing mitzvos and engaging in the wisdom of Torah should, in truth, be solely for their own sake, not for some other goal. Nevertheless, when it comes to educating children, he explains and rules that, based on “educate a child according to his way”—the way of the boy or girl—we should motivate a child to study with things he likes at his age, rather than expecting him to study for the sake of the reading itself. This, too, follows the child’s process of emotional development. In his early childhood, the child only receives, without contributing anything of his own. Later, he rises and develops, overcomes his nature, and reaches the point where he engages with G-dly ideas. From these points, the Rebbe says in his sichos and letters, we can learn several fundamental principles for educating children in Torah study and mitzvah observance. The goal of education is to draw the child toward Torah and mitzvos, not merely to get him to study and observe them.

07:04 Speaker 2 So we should do this not so much through commands, and certainly not by force, but by giving him sweets and the like, which make Torah and its mitzvos dear to him. From experience and in practice, with proper planning and organization of the things that delight children and capture their interest, we can get them involved and active to an extent that is hard to imagine. But we really do need to focus on true and holy matters, while also choosing things that speak to the children. I always say it wouldn’t hurt to consult the children, too, and ask them what they actually like and what they think would attract them and their friends. In light of this, it is clear that we must draw a child in with things he can appreciate in his present situation—not on the basis of what will appeal to him in the future, but where he is right now. As they say, “where he is.” Another example based on the Rambam’s words: in the early years, children are attracted to sweets and similar things. And we can add, from first grade onward, children may be drawn to special albums and stickers—collections of stickers about Shemitah, Tzivos Hashem, the mivtzoim, the Rebbe, and the like. At a more mature age, prizes, quizzes, competitions, and similar things attract and challenge them, creating a situation in which “the rivalry of scholars increases wisdom.” At an older age, it is appropriate for prizes and the like to be more spiritual, such as sefarim and similar items. At still older ages, we get to a ticket to visit the Rebbe, half a ticket to visit the Rebbe, and so on. In general, every generation and period has different things that appeal to children. The era of the Mishnah, for example, about which it was said that “the earlier generations were like angels,” when children were drawn to loftier things, is not the same as later periods about which it was said, “We are like donkeys.” Based on the above, the Rebbe adds:

09:56 Speaker 2 When, for whatever reason, we need to steer a child away from certain things, we also need to look for warnings that suit the child’s way. In other words, the child must be able to accept them, so that they actually bring about good results rather than breaking him. “Even when he grows old”: since the instruction to educate a child according to his way is an instruction from the Torah of truth, it is precisely by following it—by truly educating him according to his way, in a manner he can accept—that we will achieve “even when he grows old, he will not depart from it.” Clearly, there is not the slightest element of falsehood, G-d forbid, or compromise in this. On the contrary, it is precisely through an educational approach suited to the child’s nature that we can be confident he will advance step by step until he ultimately reaches the fullest expression and purpose of his avodah. Then he will reach a stage of leaping forward. That is, he will go from strength to strength in making good resolutions and putting them into practice, so that when he grows up, he will do everything in Torah, avodah, and acts of kindness with the greatest completeness and eagerness. As for kabbolas ol and love of Hashem: despite everything said so far, we should know that a child naturally has a readiness to listen out of kabbolas ol, and even in response to coercion—what is called fear of the strap, and the like. Today, though, we refrain from using fear of the strap. As our Rebbeim have taught, given the state of our generation, it no longer helps and only causes harm, so we use other tools. Still, a child looks for structure and looks for—looks for boundaries. And he seeks out holy things. He naturally wants them, and if we plan the right approach, the child will be receptive to it all. So despite—rather, because the child has a readiness for kabbolas ol, and even for what we call red lines that he will not—and will not cross because those are the requirements. As well as, as

12:50 Speaker 2 A child also has a pull toward matters of holiness. There is the well-known story of how the Rebbe Rashab cried as a child: “Why doesn’t Hashem reveal Himself to me?” And there is a lesson we learn from this. The Rebbe says that in our generation, especially since the Rebbe Rashab opened the channel for this when he cried as a child, “Why doesn’t Hashem reveal Himself to me?”, through a proper education we can break through the natural limitations of Jewish children and accustom them to desire spirituality. We can even bring them to such a remarkable longing that they will want, to the point of tears, for Hakadosh Boruch Hu to reveal Himself to them—as will happen in the true and complete Geulah. The revelation of Hakadosh Boruch Hu. In short, to want Geulah, to truly want Hashem’s revelation in the world. Is it possible? It certainly is. Building a connection. As we study these principles of education found in the Rebbe’s holy sichos and letters, they have been collected in the wonderful book Igeres Hachinuch: Practical Guidance for Parents and Educators, published by Mamash and edited by Rabbi Shimon Weitzenseller[?]. They have done excellent work here, with detailed source references. I’m basing what I say on what is written here and trying to add a few stories from life, or from the experience I’ve been privileged to gain over forty years of work in education devoted to holiness. Building a connection. How does a parent or educator build a connection with a child or student? Clearly, without a connection, what we say can sound distant and may not really reach the student’s ears or heart. But if there is a connection, it will be entirely different—in its impact and in how deeply it is absorbed. The student will identify with it, internalize it, and, above all, place trust in us. So, from the Rebbe’s words: By understanding the child’s ways, character, and inner workings, we can learn the right way to build a connection with him, and, as a result, how to influence him. First, because the most essential thing for having an influence

15:51 Speaker 2 is closeness, a special relationship, and a bond between the child and the educator. Second, to build trust with a child, one must stay completely away from falsehood. A lie is the worst thing. It undermines the child’s trust in his educator. And not only a lie in speech, but even a lie in writing. As part of building a student’s trust in a teacher or parent, we must pay attention to the example the educator or parent sets. My friends, personal example—there is no getting around it. There are no shortcuts. That is the price we pay. If we want to educate children or students, we have to elevate ourselves. Really, that will only help us in our life’s mission. When a child notices that his parents or educator do not do what they demand of him, it undermines his trust in them. When he sees that they do practice what they demand of him, he accepts it much more readily. From this we can draw another conclusion, something plainly evident with children and even with teenage boys and girls: When you introduce a young person to new ideas and later try to refute them, or parts of them, in front of him, he will certainly absorb the new idea because he trusts his educator. But it is very doubtful that he will accept the partial refutation or qualification the educator then tries to make. The Rebbe is speaking here about how, sometimes, people like to hear what they want to hear. But when it comes to the difficult part, they say, “That—no. We’ll accept the easy part. We won’t deal with the difficult part right now.” Then our gain is outweighed by our loss. We have to take this into account: what we say, how we say it, and how much we say, and move forward step by step—“Little by little I will drive them out.” It should also be noted that, from experience, trust and closeness—so we said that trust comes from personal example. Trust means doing these things, practicing the holy ways

18:39 Speaker 2 of Torah and mitzvos and chassidic conduct with warmth and feeling. Personal example. And trying to make it an experience for yourself and an experience for the student. An experience for your son, an experience for your daughter. But sometimes you need to connect even more with their world, according to their age. There are games they enjoy. Try to take part in them yourself—as an actual participant, an active participant, a referee. Show them that you belong in the things that matter to them, and they will let you into their world and their way of thinking. Heart-to-heart conversations between an educator and a student help build and deepen their connection and trust. Here are some basic principles for the kinds of conversations that help build and deepen that connection and trust. First—and this is the most important thing—private, heart-to-heart conversations, conversations on the child’s level, human conversations between educator and student. These private conversations can be extremely beneficial, especially when they are informal. And when the conversation is with someone close to the student, someone to whom he can open his whole heart and whom he can trust, the benefit is immeasurable. We need to make good use of that situation to guide the student, or our son or daughter, to grow in the right way. Step by step—“Little by little I will drive them out.” And here is another wonderful thing the Rebbe believes in so strongly: farbrengens and gatherings. Friendly farbrengens are an opportunity to discuss subjects that occupy and interest the students. Such conversations benefit them greatly: they lift their spirits, strengthen them on their path, help them improve their character, and so on. From my own experience, I’ll say that often—not every time, but often—in the higher grades of cheder and in classes at a yeshiva for younger students, I first ask students I’m close to, “What do you think? What should we talk about today? What would be good for the class to hear?” There have been times

21:54 Speaker 2 when I even came into a farbrengen and asked, “What would you like us to talk about today?” Then I had a few ideas, we dealt with them, and it was excellent. When you connect with what truly interests them, they are more willing to walk the same path with you. The Rebbe adds: To draw students in, care should be taken that these gatherings have content that speaks to the heart. Or let’s mention something else. You know, let’s speak to each other frankly. If you go by what is genuinely needed, considering that the Rebbe’s teachings are “longer than the earth and broader than the sea,” and you want to share the Rebbe’s teachings with the audience, you open with Dvar Malchus. Try speaking, farbrenging, and explaining one fundamental sicha of the Rebbe, and then another fundamental sicha, and then another. After all, we have dozens of detailed, wonderful sichos covering every area of Torah, every parsha, every occasion. All Rebbe, through and through. Try it. You’ll see that it resonates with some people and lifts them up. And if you go through five sichos at farbrengens, six sichos at farbrengens, seven sichos at farbrengens, they’ll be impressed, they’ll enjoy it, they’ll internalize it—but they won’t be the majority. Most people follow their hearts. They want something that first of all captures the heart. So it seems that the right approach is what the Rebbe told a chossid, one of the chassidim named Reb Abba. The Rebbe told him to go farbreng in a certain place. He asked the Rebbe, “But how do you farbreng?” The Rebbe told him, “How do you farbreng? You begin with a story, a chassidic story.” He said, “A chassidic story, a story about a chossid. A chassidic story. And afterward you share a Torah thought.” That is the wonderful formula. Start with something that captures the heart: “A story about a chossid”—a story about a chossid. Then you can say, “This isn’t about some exalted holy person; it’s about people like us, whom we can learn from and at least imitate”

24:27 Speaker 2 Them. So there’s a connection on a heartfelt level, and the story itself captures the heart. Afterward, say something a little more substantial, as they say—something that naturally relates to that story, just as the story naturally relates to that Torah thought, that sicha. And then repeat the pattern. So, a good niggun. Again, this approach: start with a story, then another point from a sicha, another idea from a sicha, and so on. That’s the winning combination. As a rule, don’t go on at length. Many people leading farbrengens do love to elaborate and go into detail. For them it’s a wonderful spiritual pleasure, and for some of their listeners too. But most people aren’t at that level or don’t have that capacity. If we want to engage with everyone, connect with everyone, farbreng with everyone, and share the experience with everyone, we need to know how to intersperse the Rebbe’s sichos with chassidic stories and shorter passages. That way we move from one passage to the next, from one idea to the next, with niggunim that draw in the heart and refresh the soul. It’s worth using such gatherings to address important subjects: Let’s talk about strengthening our fixed times for Torah study, even during the summer. Let’s talk about being more careful to daven with a minyan—why is that important? And similarly, strengthening the sense of responsibility to serve as an example to others. A sense of responsibility. I can recall, and remind others, that my father and teacher, Rabbi Yigal, son of Rabbi Shimon Yehuda, who merited to bring very many people back from wrongdoing and draw them close, helping them rise step by step—one of the most fundamental things he worked so hard throughout his life to instill in his listeners, of every age, was a sense of responsibility. Responsibility, responsibility, responsibility. To make that sense of responsibility contagious among his listeners. Take responsibility for someone else. Take responsibility for seeing that the Rebbe’s work gets done. Don’t think small; take responsibility. And once someone catches that bug, it will take him far, toward a personal sense of responsibility. To take

26:59 Speaker 2 every matter of the Rebbe’s personally. Gatherings of this kind have value in the very act of meeting and in the unity they create, and especially because they strengthen the bond between educator and student. That bond is a safeguard against undesirable influences, against throwing off the yoke, and so on. We should mention that too. Once, a group of great chassidim were together, and the Frierdiker Rebbe asked them to hold a farbrengen. They held one and reported to the Rebbe that it had been very pleasant. There were chassidic niggunim and perhaps a few chassidic stories, but generally speaking, not much was said—certainly no Torah thoughts. It was simply a warm, pleasant get-together, nothing more. The Frierdiker Rebbe’s response was that this was very important. Even though it happened as it did: one person felt uncomfortable speaking; another thought that if he spoke, people would consider him arrogant; and a third thought he had no one to speak to. It doesn’t matter, the Rebbe said. The Frierdiker Rebbe said that the very fact that chassidim sat together in unity binds them into one holy group and strengthens the Ahavas Yisroel between them. That in itself accomplishes something even the angel Michael cannot accomplish—something such a farbrengen, and saying l’chaim at such a farbrengen, can accomplish. Gatherings of this kind have another effect when they take the form of a farbrengen, connected with the teaching, “Sharing a drink is powerful because it brings people closer.” This is the idea that “the right hand should always draw close,” especially with boys and girls. Sharing a drink brings people closer. Yes, some light refreshments. It also means saying l’chaim. So it depends. Nowadays the law places some restrictions on certain ages. At what age may one actually say l’chaim over mashke? The Rebbe already addressed this back in the years of the yeshivah in Lod, a whole generation ago. From the early 5710s—5710, 5711, 5712. The Rebbe writes to give them soda; that’s the Rebbe’s wording. What should you give children? They can’t

29:18 Speaker 2 drink mashke. So let them drink soda. Let them drink grape juice. The Rebbe writes “soda.” It doesn’t matter so much what the drink is. The main thing is that there’s a drink, they make the Shehakol blessing over it, bless one another wholeheartedly, say l’chaim, wish one another every good thing—and it brings about salvation. I’ll tell you: I was speaking with a friend who teaches at a high-school yeshivah, and I innocently told him that in Chabad we have a kind of magic formula. When we want to, we farbreng—whether it’s young men farbrenging or householders, it doesn’t matter. The farbrengen is heartfelt, lively, and full of Ahavas Yisroel. More than once, and it happens in every yeshivah, a young man comes to a farbrengen with his mind nowhere near these things. Spirituality doesn’t interest him. But at the farbrengen they draw him close, say l’chaim with him, sing niggunim with him, and he speaks from the heart while others speak to him from the heart. More than once, it happens that a young man comes into a farbrengen like that and, at some point in the early morning, he is completely transformed. He makes good resolutions and starts a new chapter. I remember that teacher asking me for the exact recipe for something like this—how does it work? I tried to describe it a little. He said to me, “Well, that’s a tish.” Then I understood that an outsider wouldn’t understand. To see it, he would have had to come to Tomchei Temimim, see a real farbrengen like that, and be part of it. Then perhaps he would understand how it works. There’s no technical specification or set content for it. That’s the all-embracing nature of a chassidic farbrengen. All the above applies when we’re talking about students in an institution, whether it’s Tomchei Temimim, Beis Rivkah, Beis Chana, or Beis Chaya. For this to work, arrangements should be made so that the students come to such gatherings, to such farbrengens, of their own free will.

31:35 Speaker 2 Even if that means that initially only a small number participate, if care is taken to prepare and invest in making it successful both spiritually and materially, the number of participants will later grow. More than that, it will draw people closer, strengthen and warm their hearts, and lead to a deep identification with the path of Torah and mitzvos as illuminated by the light of Chassidus. Parents want advice; teachers want advice. Whom should we consult? The Rebbe says in his letters, “With many advisers.” If that applies in general, how much more so is it a directive in education. What should we look for in an educational adviser? Someone who knows something about education, of course, and who is an educator himself—not someone who has come straight from academia and wants to offer ideas. It should be a person who is himself a teacher, who has taught or even continues to teach, someone who knows what happens on the ground. In other words, choose people who know, understand, live with, and have experienced the details of the problem and its solution. Preference should be given to someone who also knows the student, and all the more so to someone familiar with the student’s development and character. In light of this, the first choice is the teachers and educators who see the child every day, both while he is learning and while he is with his friends. And if among them there is an outstanding educator, or an educational adviser whose role is to give advice, so much the better. Individual attention. It is known that when a very prominent educator visited the Rebbe, the Rebbe saw that he had written rules for education. The Rebbe told him that everything he had written was very good, but he had forgotten one rule: the first rule of education is that there are no rules in education. What does “no rules” mean? When we speak about individual attention, one meaning of “Educate a child according to his way” is that education must be individualized and suited to this particular student’s own way. In light of this, it is clear that it’s difficult to establish hard-and-fast rules for every type of student, for several reasons. By way of introduction, yes, of course, it’s im—

34:31 Speaker 2 You can make some kind of chart and put each person into a box. One person fits into several boxes, and another belongs completely outside the box. They are all Jews, and they all need to work. First, it is said of people in general that no two minds are alike. All the more so, their character traits are not alike—especially children, each of whom is a whole world. The Rebbe says this in his sichos and in many of his letters. What is more, every educator differs from his colleagues according to the environment in which he himself grew up and was educated. People’s character traits are also influenced by where they live, so there are differences from country to country. An educator from one country and an educator from another will therefore differ in their approach. Third, even when the students seem to be of the same type—say, they all grew up in Kfar Chabad, they all grew up in the Holy Land—you still cannot draw conclusions about one from another. Another reason not to apply the same treatment across the board is that the same problem may have developed in a different way, and at a different stage, in each student. So this applies to students, mentors, and those being educated alike: each has a mentality shaped by different factors. In light of this, when we discuss an educational issue, we have to consider each case on its own merits and not lay down hard-and-fast rules. We have to respond to what is going on within that particular adolescent. What is more, even when several students apparently share the same educational problem, there is no guarantee that one approach toward all of them will help them all. Each needs to be treated individually. Once we reach the level of personal conversations and individual attention, each person is a world of his own. And the general rules

37:14 Speaker 2 on this subject. Despite everything we have said, there are some things that do not differ at all from one student to another. They apply equally to everyone and have proven effective with everyone. Whatever the situation, an approach taken with gentleness succeeds in the overwhelming majority of cases, far more than the opposite method, which puts the student under pressure and pushes him away. In general, the Rebbe says that with any negative problem, the method is “little by little I will drive them out.” Let’s start making progress. Let’s start working our way out of the problem in stages, step by step—not all at once. Third, alongside this shared principle, we must work tirelessly, and again, with gentleness. In other words, you are focused on a goal: we are going to help the student change. We are focused; we have a method, an approach, goals, even dates. But we proceed gradually and gently, step by step. These are the rules for individual attention, when we need to focus on the personality and behavior of a particular student, do thorough work to uplift that student, and guide him toward the good and proper path. We’ll continue now with educational approaches—approaches that are right and effective for the well-being of the student, whether a boy or a girl. Drawing them close and giving rebuke: which of the two? The combination of them. Let’s see what the Rebbe says, and we’ll try to add, with Hashem’s help, what our own experience has taught us. The Rambam, a healer of body and soul, famously says that just as the body can be healthy or ill, so can the soul. The discipline of education is the art of healing the soul, the study of the soul and of spirituality. In physical medicine, it is accepted that there are two ways to heal: with bitter medicines and with sweet medicines. So too in healing the soul, which is education, there are two approaches: the path of mussar and the path of Chassidus. The mussar approach

40:40 Speaker 2 emphasizes negative behaviors and character traits. The path of Chassidus, by contrast, teaches us to emphasize the soul’s loftiness and preciousness. In the language of Chassidus, we should attend to the enduring strength within the soul, as well as to what encourages and uplifts it—what uplifts the person. One difference between the two approaches is that the mussar approach corrects the situation from now on. The Chassidus approach uproots the problem at its source, so that no trace of the inappropriate state remains, and the soul simply returns to its spiritual strength. In the language of Chassidus, the enduring strength within the soul is revealed, and its influence is felt in everyday conduct. Revealing the soul’s preciousness. The emphasis on the soul’s loftiness and preciousness in the Chassidic approach to education finds expression in several ways. First of all, in how the educator looks at and thinks about the student. But that perspective alone is not enough. It must continue to find expression in every way the parent or educator influences the student: in the manner of speaking and conversing with the child, the boy or the girl; in what is said; and in practical action. But first and foremost, this approach must be expressed in the educator’s own preparation. So let’s understand why it is so important for an educator or parent to have a good eye: to see the good in a child, strengthen it, notice it, bring it out, appreciate it, praise it, encourage it, and compliment the child for the good we have found. The Rebbe says, first, that simply looking at a child favorably and kindly helps bring out the child’s strengths, and the negative things consequently diminish. Let me add something. A child certainly seeks attention, and so does an adolescent boy or girl. When they suddenly notice that they are receiving a great deal of attention, gently, warmly, and lovingly, for the good things in them, then at the very least, that drive for attention will lead them to do more good things, so that they will receive for them the attention

44:06 Speaker 2 that matters so much to them. What we have in mind, and what we emphasize, must be that every Jew has a soul called the G-dly soul, and it is “an actual part of G-d above.” The word the Alter Rebbe adds to the verse is “actual.” The verse says, “a part of G-d above”; the Alter Rebbe adds the word “actual.” That means every Jew has infinite abilities, if only they choose to use them properly in a life worthy of the name. Third, this way of looking at someone means seeing each person as a precious treasure, a vast store of infinite abilities. We only need to kindle that spark, and the person will awaken on his own to act with the infinite abilities he has as a Jew with an infinite G-dly soul. The Rebbe says that this way of looking at people applies even to those in whom no virtues are apparent, beyond the fact that they are creations of Hakadosh Boruch Hu. This approach is explained in Chassidus—in Tanya, chapter 32, and in Derech Mitzvosecha, in the section on the mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel. It is stated explicitly there. This perspective and its results are also included in the saying of our Rebbeim: “Think good, and it will be good.” In one of the Rebbe’s letters in Igros Kodesh, he answers parents who wrote that they were worried about what would become of their child spiritually. They felt he was declining, and who knew where it might lead. The Rebbe writes to them: Think good thoughts about your child. Think of him positively. The very act of thinking of him as good, and of how he can become even better, will help him become better. After all, what does one Jew’s thought about another mean? A positive thought. May Hakadosh Boruch Hu help it come to pass. That is how we should look at students: we expect good things from them. With Hashem’s help, they will not disappoint us. I was thinking that what the Rebbe says here, that this applies even to those in whom no virtues are apparent,

46:53 Speaker 2 Also to look at them as a part of G-d above. I can truly say today, after forty years in education, that so many students turned out so much better than we thought they would. One boy didn’t speak. We thought he would never speak. Once he opened his mouth, we were saying that if only we could rein in his power of speech a little—bring back just a bit of how he had been before—that would be good, because once he started talking, he didn’t stop. I mean that in a positive sense. There was another boy we thought had very, very limited abilities. In the end, he grew up and founded organizations and programs for education, spreading Yiddishkeit and spreading the wellsprings. He is successful and finds favor and kindness in the eyes of everyone who sees him. And sometimes these things even happen quickly. Sometimes you say, “Well, when he’s forty, he’ll settle down and come to his senses.” But no—by twenty-three he has already come to his senses, and he’s doing wonderfully. Everything is great. Sometimes it happens much earlier. In other words, don’t label a child. That is the greatest disaster. Don’t label him. Know that he has a G-dly soul, and at some point his G-dly soul will always break through and surge forward. We need to be the ones who provide an environment in which, when the time comes, this child feels comfortable revealing what is inside him. We need to believe in him, believe in him, and convey that to him. We shouldn’t be embarrassed to tell him that we have a great Rebbe, and the Rebbe says this is how it is—so this is how it will be. Preparing the educator himself. Our Sages, of blessed memory, taught and ruled, and assured us: words that come from the heart are the ones that enter the heart and have their effect. That means that besides the need for the words themselves to be heartfelt, warm, and full of feeling, it matters that they come from the speaker’s heart. Then one soul awakens another soul. Quite simply, within the heart itself there are several levels: outer levels, inner levels,

49:15 Speaker 2 and the innermost essence. In any case, the words must be deeply felt by the speaker. One soul will awaken another soul. The more the speaker’s soul is invested in these words of inspiration, the more they will awaken the other person’s soul. That is the language of souls. It goes deeper than intellect, emotion, and logic. The language of souls. The manner of speaking is a fundamental principle. Our Sages said: “The words of the wise, spoken gently, are heard.” Then, and only then, are they heard. If this applies in general, how much more so to words spoken to children and teenagers. Let’s distinguish between two things. Sometimes, in a classroom, you say something forcefully. It may help; it may not exactly help. It depends on the situation and the matter at hand. But the aim there is to maintain classroom discipline at that moment, to keep the lesson under control. That can be done in different ways. Here we’re talking about a personal conversation, a conversation one-on-one, or with two or three others present. Here you truly want to bring about a real change in his behavior. We’re not talking about how to train him not to disrupt the lesson for fifteen or twenty minutes. That’s not what we’re discussing. We want to bring about a change in behavior, work on his character traits: where the student chooses to invest himself, what he cares about, what he lives for, what goals he strives toward in his studies and his conduct. That’s the point. And a shift like that cannot come through force. Absolutely not. “The words of the wise, spoken gently, are heard.” He needs to be convinced. He needs to know that people believe in him, to know that he is capable, and to know that he will receive compliments and encouragement of various kinds when he really begins to move himself forward. “The words of the wise, spoken gently, are heard.” The content of the message: place the emphasis on words of encouragement, lifting the student’s spirits, and words that draw him close. We see clearly that the very act of showing trust in students gives them more energy to persevere and apply themselves, and strengthens the inner bond. Our Rebbeim taught us that there is a way of speaking that elevates a person. That is,

52:05 Speaker 2 through the style and content of what the educator says to the student, the student senses his own uniqueness and dignity, and comes to understand that lowly things are beneath him. That isn’t how the staff sees him. The staff sees him as someone of quality, someone with a G-dly soul, a person who can go far—and for whom it truly is not fitting to behave otherwise. The Rebbe writes about this in several places in Igros Kodesh, and the Rebbe also relates a story there, a story mentioned in the Rebbe’s sichos as well. There is a well-known chassidic story about one of the great chassidim of the Alter Rebbe who lived in the capital, Petersburg. He was asked, “How do you withstand the challenges there among all the non-Jews?” He was a very wealthy man and needed to be part of society there, at least in certain respects. How did he hold firm and remain a great chossid of the Alter Rebbe? It was said of him that what held him back from committing any transgression was his pride. He would say to himself, “I, one of the great chassidim of such a great Rebbe—would I give in to the foolishness of the yetzer hara and risk losing my standing among the Jewish people, and especially among the community of chassidim?” That kept him going. The same is true of a student whom we identify, in a positive way, as a treasure of yiras Shamayim and chassidic character. We tell him: “You have a G-dly soul. You have a chassidic background. You will go far. These things are simply beneath you. No, they don’t suit you. That’s not who you are.” This will lift him up and draw him forward, so that he feels that getting caught up in foolish things doesn’t suit him. Ways of taking action. We should choose our methods of action. First and foremost, we must remember, and never depart from, the ruling of our holy Torah, the Torah of life: “Her ways—all her ways, all her ways—are ways of pleasantness,” and beyond that, “all her paths are peace.” Aside from

54:37 Speaker 2 being a clear ruling, we have seen with our own eyes that acting in ways of pleasantness brings greater success than the opposite approach, and that the success comes more quickly. And if we were to describe the Rebbe’s approach, this is his approach to bringing about change and to drawing Jews closer as well. Not just in education—in everything. Act with pleasantness and genuine Ahavas Yisroel, with consistency. Stay focused on the goal; don’t give up. But ways of pleasantness bring greater success—specifically ways of pleasantness and ways of peace. Rebuke and words of moral instruction. The animal soul. The Torah says: “For the inclination of man’s heart is evil from his youth.” In other words, alongside the precious soul within every child and teenager—the G-dly soul—there are things inside him that hold him back and prevent the soul’s loftiness from being revealed. This stems mainly from the fact that the child’s intellectual soul is not yet sufficiently developed, and it is drawn along by his animal soul. This shows itself especially in a sense of self-centeredness, which is the source of all kinds of outbursts and disruptions, as well as actual sins and transgressions, and generally immature character traits. That is besides outside influences of all sorts—the street, unsuitable friends, and so on—that can draw a child after them. Therefore, even according to the approach of Chassidus, which emphasizes the soul’s loftiness and preciousness, we find—as the Rebbe writes in a number of letters and in Likkutei Sichos, vol. 36, p. 267—that from time to time words of inspiration, moral instruction, and rebuke are spoken, sometimes even in terms that are not pleasant to hear. This is to remove the obstacles that interfere with the revelation of the soul’s loftiness and preciousness. On the one hand, you have a G-dly soul. It is within you, and no one can take it away from you. But on the other hand, you need to understand what is fighting against your G-dly soul: the animal soul, which deceives a person and causes him to stumble. You need to know to guard against it. As they say, know your enemy. A fundamental condition

57:27 Speaker 2 Rebuke. The obligation to give rebuke and the way to do it are explained at length in the Shulchan Aruch, in Orach Chaim and Choshen Mishpat. So it is clear that rebuke must be given only according to Torah. Here too, we are commanded: “Do not add to it and do not take away from it.” If a person relies on his feelings and wishes, he can easily make a mistake, even to the point of doing the opposite of what he should do. Second, rebuke must come from a state in which the mind rules the heart—something a person is capable of by his very nature, as the Tanya says. So when we come to address wrongdoing, we must not let our emotions run wild. When that is difficult, we need, for the time being, to hold back our feelings and restrain ourselves even from rebuke that would be warranted according to Torah. We see plainly that words spoken in a state of agitation, when a person has lost control of himself, do not have their intended effect. Instead of prompting a healthy jolt, they cause alarm. It is rare for that to bring about an awakening. Who knows—perhaps in some particular case, a person needs to see just how terrible something is. But the Rebbe says: That is not the right path. It is not the right path. The right path is to speak thoughtfully, gently and in a way that touches the heart. “A gentle answer turns away anger.” Give the person room to do teshuvah. Again, these are the Rebbe’s words in Igros Melech, volume 1, page 247 onward, and in Igros Kodesh as well. The rules of rebuke. Rebuking a student, when it is needed and in the appropriate measure, is also called “pushing away” in the language of our Sages. Pushing away what? Not the student, G-d forbid. It means pushing away the bad within him. When we set out to rebuke a student and deal with pushing away the bad, we must emphasize the proper way and method for doing so—in the tone, content and manner of the rebuke, as follows. What

1:00:07 Speaker 2 is clear is that if you want the rebuke to have an effect, you do not give it in front of others. If you humiliate that student, you hurt him, you cause damage, and it will take time to repair. So why go backward when you can go forward? Go forward: rebuke him, but privately, with only those who can and need to hear it present. The force of rebuke. Our Sages taught: “The left hand should always push away, while the right hand draws near.” The reason, as Rashi explains, is so as not to drive them out of the world. This teaching of our Sages was brought as a practical halachic ruling. It means that pushing away the bad and giving moral guidance and rebuke must be done with a certain gentleness. A weaker hand, a weaker hand. You are pushing away? Then not with your right hand. You push away with the weaker hand, the left. There is a push, but it is in proportion. When you draw someone close, though, you do it with your right hand, with full warmth. Both the educator and the student should feel that the pushing away is not the main thing; it is done with the left hand. The main thing is drawing close, which is done with the right. All this is again based on Igros Melech, volume 2, pages 143–144, and other letters in Igros Kodesh. The manner and rules of rebuke. One should not begin a rebuke with an uproar or deliver it publicly, with humiliation. At first, in the language of halachah, it must be “between him and the other person,” calmly and in gentle language, discreetly and in private. In other words, even words of rebuke and vigorous protest should—and can—be expressed in a way that does not conflict with the ways of pleasantness. The words should have the necessary firmness, but that firmness must be expressed pleasantly. And it should be noted that in every such case, one must find a way to avoid diminishing the student’s sense of self, G-d forbid. If you hurt him and diminish him, you have lost him. On the other hand, forceful expressions of opposition provoke the opposite response, especially in adolescence. The same is true of scolding accompanied by unreasonable behavior. That is not what will cause

1:02:52 Speaker 2 a person to grow stronger. He will only feel that this is not his place, and perhaps he really should go somewhere else, where he will be worse off. Then you have not helped him. These points, too, are based on Igros Melech, volume 1, page 247 onward, and several letters in Igros Kodesh. Now let’s talk about parents and children. An intrinsic love. Everything parents want and seek, the Rebbe says in his letters and sichos, is their children’s true good—not only what is good for them now, but what is good for them in the long term. This desire comes from parents’ love for their children. It is an intrinsic love that does not stem from an outside reason, but from the fact that children are part of their parents’ very being. This love comes from the father—as we say in our prayers, “As a father has compassion for his children.” As explained in Chassidus, the father and son are one in essence. It comes especially from the mother, who is endowed with particular sensitivity and a maternal bond with her child. So we begin with the certainty that parents love their child deeply, with a love stronger than themselves. From here, let’s move to education and making sound decisions. Just as parents have the obligation to raise their children physically, the Torah places on them the obligation to educate them and nurture their spiritual growth. At the same time, the Torah gives parents a special capacity to educate their children. Parents’ education has a decisive influence on their children, even alongside the education they receive in school. Yet in certain situations that call for judgment and the like, it is specifically parents who may find it difficult to make a clear decision about their children. That difficulty relates to their relationship with their children, how they view the problem, and how they address it. In other words, it is very complicated when you are, as they say, so personally involved. Your child is your life; your child matters to you more than you matter to yourself. Can your judgment be free

1:05:51 Speaker 2 of the influence of your own inner pull toward one conclusion or another? That is a problem. From here, let’s move on to the following points. All of these are the Rebbe’s teachings. Precisely because of their love for and closeness to their children, parents cannot always assess them accurately. It is hard for them to look at them objectively, without any bias. Sometimes parents underestimate their children and are too hard on them; sometimes the opposite happens, in their children’s favor. As in the saying of our Sages: A person does not declare himself righteous, but neither does he declare himself wicked. It should also be noted that parents sometimes show greater love for children who do not particularly excel in any special qualities. At times, parents may fail to see a problem as it really is, precisely because they love their children. Another problem lies in the way parents respond to difficulties. Often they react emotionally and lose control of themselves, which causes their children not to accept what they say. All of this is especially true of parents’ ability to influence their children during adolescence. At that age, a young person naturally seeks independence and wants to feel grown up. When parents make requests of him or give him instructions and guidance, he feels that they still see him as little. That feeling leads him to rebel and even do the opposite. Therefore, whenever an educational difficulty or problem arises, parents should consult suitable educators, who are presumably less personally involved. Keep influencing. At the same time, we must remember: We must never give up on educating our children, sons and daughters, at any age. For the Rebbe says that with the right efforts—warmly and pleasantly, persistently and with dedication—parents can deeply influence their children for many good years to come, and Hakadosh Boruch Hu gives them the capacity to do so. But it must be done in the right measure and with great love, as the Rebbe says. True, in adolescence it may well be that it is already necessary for—

1:08:56 Speaker 2 The boy or girl should hear it from other people, not necessarily from their parents, but from others they accept more readily. When parents correct a child who is at a rebellious age, the child won’t listen. But when they hear it from boys or girls their own age, the message is more likely to be accepted and sink in. As for the content of the rebuke: it should be clear that these are practical words. In other words, saying them should change the situation. You say these things because you want an actual change from the child, one that can really happen. Since the main thing is to bring matters into practice, sometimes protesting a particular action does not mean only speaking words of rebuke and the like, but giving practical direction toward positive things. The main thing is to get the child out of the predicament. So if you can do that by getting him involved in good activities and connecting him with good boys, and deal with the other issues afterward, that is important too. Get him active in doing good. The golden mean. In light of what we’ve said, it is possible to fulfill our Sages’ instruction, “Be stern with your students,” together with “the right hand draws close.” There is room for both approaches, whether at the same time or one after the other. Both are teachings of the same Sages. This approach is the middle path between the various methods of education, the golden mean taught by the great teacher, the Rambam, in Hilchos De’os. So we need to know how to give praise and encouragement, while also making clear how harmful the negative side is and directing the child toward the good. More on rebuke and giving corrective guidance: In Igros Kodesh, volume 19, page 268, the Rebbe addresses the permissive approach. How do we deal with children and families who may have been influenced by it? In recent times, a school of thought developed among mental-health professionals and psychologists regarding children, advising parents specifically

1:11:43 Speaker 2 to go along with whatever the child wants, to the very limit. This approach has undergone changes and developments. In any case, there is a kind of excessive permissiveness here. Of course, there are situations where, for particular reasons, we need the advice of doctors and must take their opinion into account. We’re talking about extreme cases here, of course, right? First, we should also explain to the doctors that our Chabad approach is the golden mean, the middle path, and then follow their instructions, but without going to extremes. We need to pull things toward the middle path. Not everything is permitted, and not everything necessarily has to be forbidden at the outset. It may happen in stages, but the aim is the middle path. Rejecting the bad. In light of what we’ve said—that an integral part of education is not only doing good, but also turning away from bad, including rebuke and rejecting what is wrong—it is worth pointing out some things that particularly cloud the loftiness and preciousness of a child’s soul. These especially must be rejected through moral guidance, rebuke, and more, as follows. For example, casting off the yoke of authority. We should praise how important it is to accept the yoke of Heaven, how important kabbolas ol to the Rebbe’s authority is, and how important it is to accept the authority of the institution’s administration in accordance with the Rebbe’s instructions. We should speak about how important this is, how it makes a young man outstanding and helps him go on the straight path. Kabbolas ol is a supreme value in education. This concept is accepted not only in the works of mussar and Chassidus but, to distinguish, even among the nations of the world in their assessments. A young person who lacks the basic foundation of obedience to authority will go on behaving like an untamed wild donkey all his life, drawn after the honeyed lips of a strange woman, whose end is bitter as wormwood. Casting off the yoke of authority is a dangerous trait whose consequences are disastrous—disastrous. The Rebbe discusses these matters in detail here in several letters in Igros Kodesh. Yes.

1:14:12 Speaker 2 I remember having so many personal conversations with students who had this problem accepting authority. And I never got them to accept authority by breaking a child, forcing him, or showing him that the system was stronger. No, that never worked. I was certainly never in favor of that approach. What did work was explaining it to the child. I would say, “Listen, right now you’re still young. When you’re young, your mistakes are small. When you’re older, your mistakes will be bigger. Right now, your whole challenge is getting along with a few friends, a few teachers, and your parents. But when you grow up and can’t get along with your yeshiva administration, what will happen? You won’t stay in yeshiva. And if you then go into the army and can’t get along with your commanders, you won’t stay in the army either. Where do you want to end up? Eventually, you’ll end up in prison. When you finally settle down and start working somewhere, at some factory, will you insist on your own rules? Your boss won’t be allowed to tell you what to do? Tell me, who would be willing to employ you like that? Do you think everyone can just do whatever they want in life? You have to get along with the people around you, and the first thing is accepting authority.” When you explain it to him like that and give him real-life examples, he accepts it. He accepts it. It clicks for him. You can’t just speak to him about it superficially. Another example, another case, another story showing how harmful one approach is and how good the other is—little by little, he grasps it. That is the only way. It may take longer, but it works. That is the approach that works, and we need to educate children toward kabbolas ol. Yiras Shamayim is the most fundamental principle in every aspect of education throughout childhood. It is hard to foresee the consequences of even a slight movement or change

1:16:09 Speaker 2 in matters of Yiras Shamayim—even when there is only a doubt, or a remote possibility—for the course of a person’s entire life. Therefore, we do not compromise at all on matters involving Yiras Shamayim and the like. All the more so with matters connected to a chillul Hashem; there are letters from the Rebbe about that as well. Take, for example, today’s plague of smartphones. We need to know how to explain to a student what is bad about them and what is good about them. What are the institution’s rules? Why is it not good, and why is it forbidden to bring one to school? What are the accepted rules, and what is the proper use of media? And how much time does it steal? It’s a machine for stealing time. It takes up so much of your time that you don’t do many of the things you want to do and accomplish. You simply don’t get to them. That is one aspect. Of course, there also need to be conversations, education, and a personal example from the parents: how a person sets limits for himself, makes sure it is filtered and used only at certain times, and does not, G-d forbid, become a slave to it. So that is a matter of Yiras Shamayim. Another subject, for example, is the kippah. There are many children... This doesn’t come from Chabad. Children raised in a Chabad home never did this. But from year to year, we see it in institutions that also have children who do not come from Chabad homes: while playing, they take off their kippah so it won’t fall off or get in their way. The same thing happens when they run. Every so often, they take off their kippah for a few dozen steps and then put it back on. This happens in non-Chabad circles. It doesn’t happen in Chabad circles, but our children learn it from them. I came up with various sayings. In more serious cases, I would tell a student, “Sweetheart, your head fell off your kippah,” and he would be startled and put his kippah back on with a smile. Later, I came up with gentler sayings too

1:18:16 Speaker 2 For example, “Your Majesty, your crown has fallen off.” They respond much better to that. “Jewish prince, your head needs a yarmulke.” These things are more effective, but don’t give up. Don’t give up. And here, too, those comments made while walking down the hall or during a game aren’t enough. When a child does that, the right thing is simply to call him aside, speak with him, and send him back to the game. No child wants to miss a minute or two of a game, and he’ll cooperate. Beyond that, there needs to be deeper work: a personal conversation, some work with the story of the printers of Slavuta, how they suffered brutal beatings that endangered their lives. They were willing to risk their lives rather than take a single step without a yarmulke. We need to reach the children’s hearts on these matters. All these are signs of yiras Shamayim. A child who is careful to wear a yarmulke will certainly have stronger yiras Shamayim. Street influences. One of the primary, fundamental responsibilities of an educator today is to fortify a child against the undesirable and unfamiliar winds blowing through the world. This is what distinguishes the task of education in our generation from that of earlier generations. Protecting a child from these outside influences also involves moral instruction and the like. That, too, is written in Igros Kodesh. You have to tell a child what is good and what is bad, what is life and what is death: “Choose life.” Speak plainly. There are things we don’t do. There are clothes we don’t wear; there are things we do, and clothes we wear specifically in a certain way. Voicing an objection. When parents notice undesirable behavior in a young person, they have a duty to object, if only so that their silence won’t be taken as agreement with that behavior. And the Rebbe adds—this is a letter from the Rebbe, by the way, in Igros Kodesh, volume 17, page 48, and also

1:20:27 Speaker 2 on page 6. The Rebbe also writes in his own handwriting: “In particular, he must do what he can to prevent his behavior from influencing the other children, may they live.” On the one hand, you uplift him and praise him, think well of him, and do all those wonderful things. Of course you daven for him. Mention him in Refa’einu and in Shema Koleinu; surely you say Tehillim for him. Certainly say his chapter of Tehillim and give tzedakah in his merit. But at the same time, you tell him, “My dear, if you did such and such, we as your parents are telling you that it is forbidden according to the Torah. It isn’t right. Hakadosh Boruch Hu is not pleased when you behave this way.” All of this needs to be said in the clearest possible terms, while also saying, “We love you, and we truly love you.” But how shall I put it? Things need to be clear. On these matters, it’s yes or no, black or white. What do we do about it? How do we address it, how do we act, how do we draw him close, how do we save him? The approaches are complex, but the standards must be clear, and the objection must be voiced so that the young person doesn’t think: “They don’t pressure me in Talmud Torah, they don’t pressure me in yeshiva, and my parents are fine with it.” No. Your parents love you, and you will always be loved by them, but that doesn’t mean this behavior is acceptable. On the contrary, you are hurting them, you are hurting Hakadosh Boruch Hu, and this is not how we hasten the Geulah. Discipline and boundaries. Discipline and setting boundaries are fundamental to successful education. The verse in Mishlei, “One who spares the rod hates his son, but one who loves him disciplines him early,” also applies to dealing with problems of this kind—that is, matters of discipline. Sometimes one should consider not reacting, so that the behavior will stop. Let me give an example. A parent who is himself a veteran educator told me about something he knew concerning one of his children: the child

1:22:28 Speaker 2 was smoking cigarettes at an age that was far, far too young. He decided never to let his son know that he knew he was smoking. He took steps indirectly to influence him, and over time his son stopped smoking. To this very day, his son has no idea that his father knew he had been smoking since he was fourteen. But his father acted, and within a year the boy stopped smoking. The father didn’t want his son to say, “Dad knows I already smoke, so I can go a little further downhill and he’ll be able to tolerate it. He’s gotten used to one thing; let’s get him used to another step down.” He didn’t want the child to feel diminished in his eyes because his father knew, and he acted wisely. But you have to stick to a plan: how are you ultimately going to save him from that situation? Rules in educational institutions. Educational institutions have additional rules and regulations concerning punishments, even imposing fines in certain places and the like. That includes a lack of diligence in learning, negligence, and disregard for the schedule. The Rebbe writes, following the earlier Rebbes and the practices that existed in Chabad educational institutions, including Tomchei Temimim, even in Lubavitch itself, that one must take local customs into account. What is the mentality of those families, of that community, at that time—a hundred years ago, a hundred and twenty years ago, fifty years ago? What about today? One must also consider the impression it makes and what benefit it will bring, and decide based on those factors. If the institution’s administration has several opinions, they should decide by majority vote, because life changes and reactions change. It may well be that today the responses need to be different, more varied and more nuanced. But there must be a framework and boundaries. Some things are forbidden, and other things must be practiced firmly. That has to be in place. Have you ever seen a picture without

1:24:41 Speaker 2 a frame? We need a frame, but within it we must place the wonderful picture we create together: enlisting the student in action, encouraging him to set a personal example and to engage other students, and the farbrengen. An interaction of genuine Ahavas Yisroel and genuine caring—that is what brings about the hoped-for, true inner change.