Laws of Honoring Parents - Rabbi Menachem Mendel Harel shlita

00:02 Speaker 1 You’re listening to “Lema’an Yishme’u,” a podcast of the Chabad Halachah Institute.

00:10 Speaker 2 Shalom u’vrachah. With Hashem’s help, we’ll talk about one of the fundamental mitzvos of the Jewish people: honoring one’s father and mother. Before we get into the details of the mitzvah, it’s important to give some background and a general explanation of what this special mitzvah means. People commonly call it honoring parents; the Torah says, “Honor your father and your mother.” Sometimes it seems that people think honoring parents is something for small children or young people, but once you grow up, there’s no longer much need for it—parents can manage on their own. All the more so after they have passed on to the World of Truth: some apparently think that there is certainly no longer a mitzvah to honor them. So it’s worth knowing that honoring parents is a fundamental and important mitzvah, one of the mitzvos between a person and Hashem, not one of the mitzvos between one person and another. When a person honors his parents, it is as though he honors Hashem, blessed be He. And when a person, G-d forbid, treats his parents’ honor lightly, it is as though he treats Hashem’s honor lightly, G-d forbid. Honoring parents applies not only during their lifetimes, but also after their passing. As our Sages, of blessed memory, said in Maseches Semachos: “Greater is one who honors his father and mother after their passing than one who honors them during their lifetimes. One who honors them during their lifetimes may do so out of fear or because of an inheritance, whereas one who honors them after their passing does so solely for the sake of Heaven.” In other words, honoring parents is not only a mitzvah while they are alive; it has an even deeper and greater significance after they pass on to the World of Truth. Why? Because when a person honors his parents while they are alive, perhaps he does so because he is afraid of them—afraid, G-d forbid, that they might harm him. It isn’t necessarily physical harm. It may be that if he were to announce that he was cutting off ties with his father or mother,

03:12 Speaker 2 he fears it would hurt him financially, and so on. Or perhaps he is thinking about the inheritance he wants to receive from them and does not want to be left out of the will. So there may be an element of self-interest when he honors them during their lifetimes, though it is certainly a great mitzvah even then, as we’ll discuss later. After their passing, however, it becomes clear that the honor he showed them, and the respectful way he treated them, were truly for the sake of Heaven. That is why our Sages said that honoring them after their passing is greater than honoring them during their lifetimes. Honoring parents belongs among the mitzvos between a person and Hashem. As is well known, the Ten Commandments are divided into two parts: five commandments between a person and Hashem, and five between one person and another. Where is “Honor your father and your mother”? It is among the commandments concerning a person’s relationship with Hashem. In other words, when someone fulfills the mitzvah of honoring parents, he fulfills a mitzvah between himself and his Creator, between himself and Hakadosh Boruch Hu. The Ramban makes a very interesting point about this. He writes: “Of the Ten Commandments, five concern the honor of the Creator and five concern the welfare of man. ‘Honor your father and your mother’ concerns the honor of G-d, for the Creator commanded us to honor the father who participates in the creation of the child.” Hakadosh Boruch Hu commands us to honor parents because He is their partner in bringing children into being, and parents are His partners in bringing children into being. So when a son honors his father, he honors his Creator. And, of course, when we speak about honoring a father, we are also speaking about honoring a mother. “Honor your father and your mother” is a mitzvah to honor both equally, as we’ll discuss later. Usually people speak more often of honoring one’s father, but there is no difference between honoring

06:09 Speaker 2 one’s father and honoring one’s mother; it applies to both. When a person honors his father and mother, he is honoring Hashem, blessed be He. But seemingly, what connection is there between honoring one’s father and mother and honoring Hashem? As the Ramban said, they are partners. It is one partnership, so honoring one’s father and mother also honors their partner, Hakadosh Boruch Hu. But there is another very special point here: when the mitzvah of “Honor your father and your mother” was spoken by G-d at the Giving of the Torah, it led the nations of the world to acknowledge the commandments “I am Hashem your G-d” and “You shall have no other gods before Me.” This is what the Midrash Pesikta Rabbasi says. When Hakadosh Boruch Hu said, “I am Hashem your G-d,” the nations of the world said, “What king wants anyone else to challenge him?” Obviously, Hakadosh Boruch Hu does not want anyone else. So they said that He was speaking only for His own honor. And the kings of the nations continued to say this about each commandment. But when Hakadosh Boruch Hu said, “Honor your father and your mother,” the kings of the nations rose from their thrones and praised Hakadosh Boruch Hu. They said, “Under our customs, anyone who appoints himself an officer in the king’s army becomes proud and denies his parents.” It is natural that when a person rises to greatness, he looks down on those who came before him. He looks down, Heaven forbid, on his parents. Yet Hakadosh Boruch Hu proclaims, “Honor your father and your mother.” They immediately rose from their thrones, praised Hakadosh Boruch Hu, and thanked Him. At that moment, they acknowledged that “I am Hashem your G-d” was indeed true, because He was not seeking His own honor. “You shall have no other gods”—that, too, was not something Hakadosh Boruch Hu said for His own honor, but for the honor of the Creator, blessed be He. So there is truth in “I am Hashem your G-d,” and there is truth in all the Ten Commandments. When did they say

09:01 Speaker 2 that? When they heard “Honor your father and your mother.” So fulfilling “Honor your father and your mother” is, in fact, the completion of “I am Hashem your G-d” and “You shall have no other gods before Me.” In Likkutei Sichos, the Rebbe cites the Chida, who explains the connection the nations of the world saw between “Honor your father and your mother” and their acknowledgment of “I am Hashem” and “You shall have no other gods.” He explains a very interesting point based on the Rambam’s words in Hilchos Avodah Zarah about the mistake made by Enosh and his generation. What was their mistake? Where did it come from? As the Rambam writes, they said: Since Hakadosh Boruch Hu created attendants—the sun, the moon, the stars and the constellations—and He honors them, giving them a place of honor, surely the King wants people to honor those whom He honors. So they went and built temples in which to worship them, and from this arose all the idol worship in the world. Then came the Giving of the Torah. The entire world heard what took place and heard “I am Hashem your G-d” and “You shall have no other gods before Me.” The Chida says: The nations of the world said, “We have a principle, taught by our Sages: Words cannot contradict deeds.” After all, Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s deed is that He honors His attendants, while “I am Hashem” and “You shall have no other gods before Me,” “You shall not make for yourself any idol or image,” and so on—those are words. If He Himself honors them, why does He not want us to honor them? His deed, honoring them, carries more weight, so they could continue to worship idols. That was their argument. And it continued until the commandment “Honor your father and your mother” was given. The moment Hakadosh

11:57 Speaker 2 Blessed be He, said, “Honor your father and your mother.” When they saw that Hakadosh Boruch Hu Himself requires honor for His partners, the father and mother, they rose from their seats and said: “Then our thought that He wants us to honor His servants is disproved.” For He Himself, who commands, “I am Hashem your G-d,” and “You shall have no other gods,” and “You shall not make for yourself an idol,” and so on—not in the likeness of the heavens, the sun and the moon, and so forth—He Himself honors His partners, the parents. He Himself commands us to honor the father and mother who are His partners. This shows that what He asks is true: that there be only “I am Hashem your G-d,” and “You shall have no other gods before Me.” So through honoring father and mother, they came to acknowledge “I am Hashem your G-d” and “You shall have no other gods.” It follows that someone who honors his father and mother and fulfills the mitzvah of honoring parents is fulfilling the commandments “I am Hashem your G-d” and “You shall have no other gods before Me.” This is the primary, fundamental reason that “Honor your father and your mother” is placed among the mitzvos between a person and Hashem: it lies at the foundation of faith in “I am Hashem your G-d” and “You shall have no other gods,” as we have explained in detail up to now. A person therefore needs to understand the greatness, the virtue and the preciousness of the mitzvah to honor one’s father and mother. He is not only fulfilling a mitzvah between one person and another—that is, between a person and his parents—but also a mitzvah between a person and Hashem. In this mitzvah of honoring parents, there is a profound connection with faith in G-d, blessed be He. Regarding the greatness of the mitzvah of honoring parents, the holy Zohar writes: A son who follows the straight path and corrects his conduct certainly honors his father by doing so. He brings him honor among people in this world and in the World to Come, before Hakadosh Boruch Hu. And Hakadosh Boruch Hu extends His mercy to him and seats him beside His Throne of Glory.

14:49 Speaker 2 Of children like these, who honor their parents, it is said: “All who see them will recognize them, for they are the offspring Hashem has blessed.” Indeed, we too have merited to see how the Rebbe practiced honoring his father and mother, as his mother herself testified about the time they spent together. What honor the Rebbe showed his father! When his father would deliver a discourse in shul, or needed people to join him in various activities, the Rebbe treated everything his father asked for, required or needed with respect—even without being asked. Think of the nachas the Rebbe gave his parents. As the Rebbetzin related, once, when Rabbi Levi Yitzchak was speaking in shul about very profound subjects, someone asked him, “Who are you saying all of this to?” He replied, “There is a young man standing in the corner of the beis midrash who understands everything I say. I am speaking for him.” What joy it gives a father to know he has someone to speak to! That is what the Rebbe gave his parents: abundant nachas, through all the effort he devoted to them both during their lifetimes and after their passing. The Rebbe invested great effort in publishing his father’s teachings and explaining them. He devoted many hours and many sichos to explaining subjects his father had written about briefly, expanding on them so that everyone could understand. The Rebbe established institutions in his father’s name, the Tiferes Levi Yitzchak institutions, and spoke many times about having an obligation in this matter because of the mitzvah of honoring one’s father. Even with customs, there were practices the Rebbe changed and followed differently himself because that was how his father had practiced them, as is recorded regarding several matters, including sleeping in the sukkah and the manner of eating, and so on. And toward his mother, Rebbetzin Chana, the Rebbe also devoted his precious time to bringing her nachas. He set aside time every day to go and sit with her, talk with her,

17:39 Speaker 2 and drink a cup of tea with her. The remarkable story is well known of how, for many years, the Rebbe took care to keep from her the great sorrow of the passing of her son, Rabbi Yisroel Aryeh Leib, so that she would not be distressed. The Rebbe did a number of things for this purpose, so that his mother could continue to enjoy nachas and live with joy, without further sorrow being added to all she had already suffered through the hardships she endured behind the Iron Curtain. And when she passed away, the Rebbe established institutions in her name. The Rebbe explained the significance of her name and the lessons it holds for serving Hashem. All of this was because of the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother. And all of it teaches us how much importance and attention we must give this special mitzvah. We can also see the greatness of the mitzvah of honoring parents in the wording the Tur uses to define it. Look at what he says. The Tur writes: “It is a positive commandment for a person to honor his father and mother and to revere them.” There are two mitzvos: one is to honor your father and mother, and the second is reverence for father and mother. We will speak about this, with Hashem’s help, later on, because it has halachic implications. Honor is one matter, and reverence is another. And pay attention to the following words: “One must be very careful about honoring and revering them, for their honor is equated with the honor of Hashem, as it says, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and it says, ‘Honor Hashem with your wealth.’ Regarding reverence for them, it is written, ‘Each of you shall revere his mother and father,’ and regarding reverence for Hashem, it says, ‘You shall revere Hashem your G-d.’ And our Sages, of blessed memory, said: There are three partners in a person—Hakadosh Boruch Hu, his father and his mother. When a person honors his father and mother, Hakadosh Boruch Hu says, ‘I consider it as though I had dwelt among them and they had honored Me.’” In other words, Hakadosh Boruch Hu regards honoring father and mother as honoring Him Himself. And a person, too, must regard the honor

20:37 Speaker 2 and reverence due to his father and mother as honor and reverence for Hashem Himself. The Bach adds some awe-inspiring words on this matter. A person must take care not to be punished for transgressing the commandment to honor or revere his father and mother, for if he transgresses this mitzvah, it is as though he has treated the honor of Hashem lightly. When he is careful to honor them, he receives a great reward, and Hashem considers it as though he had honored Him—as though he had honored Hakadosh Boruch Hu. And when a person causes them pain, it is as though he had caused Him pain, G-d forbid. Therefore, one must be as careful about their honor and reverence as about the honor and reverence of Hakadosh Boruch Hu. The Rebbe gives a very interesting clarification of this point—why, before Hakadosh Boruch Hu, the honor of Hashem and the honor of father and mother are equal. He says this: Since the very creation of a child is possible only through the partnership of all three—his father, his mother and Hakadosh Boruch Hu—a manifest partnership with Hakadosh Boruch Hu, when a person honors his father and mother, he honors the fact that his father and mother are partners in his creation, and that is an honor to G-d. This partnership is a manifest partnership with Hakadosh Boruch Hu, so honoring and revering those partners is also honoring and revering their Partner, Hakadosh Boruch Hu. Our Sages, of blessed memory, call this mitzvah the weightiest of the weighty mitzvos. As our Sages say—and this appears in Yalkut Shimoni—Hakadosh Boruch Hu did not specify the reward for the mitzvos, but there are two mitzvos whose reward He did specify. This is the wording: Rabbi Shimon ben Yochai taught, “Hakadosh Boruch Hu revealed the reward for two mitzvos: the lightest of the light and the weightiest of the weighty. The weightiest of the weighty is ‘Honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long.’” In other words, our Sages revealed to us the great weight of the mitzvah of honoring parents. They did not reveal this regarding the other mitzvos. But there is one mitzvah whose severity they did reveal as greater than all

24:04 Speaker 2 the mitzvos. And which one is it? The mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother. We can understand why it is among the most weighty of mitzvos. As we’ve discussed, it combines the two sides found in mitzvos generally. Mitzvos are usually divided into those between a person and Hashem and those between one person and another. But honoring one’s father and mother is both. And within the category of mitzvos between a person and Hashem, it is the mitzvah that bears witness to the observance of “I am Hashem your G-d” and “You shall have no other deities before Me”—not only among the Jewish people, but also among the nations of the world. So a person needs to grasp how important this mitzvah is, how much value to place on it, and how much time to devote to honoring his parents and showing them the reverence that is required. One must treat them with both honor and reverence. We’ll conclude this introduction with something the Rebbe says that clarifies why honoring one’s father and mother is a mitzvah between a person and Hashem, particularly for the Jewish people. The nations of the world must also honor their parents. But for the Jewish people there is a special dimension: it is not only a matter between one person and another, and not only an expression of appreciation for the part one’s father and mother played in raising him. Of course he must honor them out of gratitude. But beyond that, as we said, there is a special dimension of a mitzvah between a person and Hashem, which applies specifically to the Jewish people. Why? The Rebbe says: The reason the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother appears among the first five of the Ten Commandments, which concern matters between a person and Hashem, is that the central innovation of this mitzvah applies to the Jewish people. Honoring one’s father is an expression of honor for Hakadosh Boruch Hu, Who takes part in bringing the child into being. There is an evident partnership here with Hakadosh Boruch Hu, and only among the Jewish people can we speak of this evident partnership, of His taking part in the child’s creation. Since

27:02 Speaker 2 only among the Jewish people is the Ein Sof, blessed be He, Who takes part in bringing the child into being, present within the father and mother themselves. So honoring them is honoring G-d, Who is an evident partner with the father and mother in bringing the child into being. This brings the point into sharper focus: when a person fulfills the mitzvah of honoring his father and mother, he fulfills not only a mitzvah between one person and another, but also this fundamental matter of honoring Hashem, of “I am Hashem your G-d” and “You shall have no other deities.” It is a mitzvah of honoring G-d. And particularly now, as we stand at the time of the true and complete Geulah and prepare to greet Moshiach Tzidkeinu, we need to know that honoring one’s father and mother has a special power to hasten the Geulah. The Radak writes this regarding what Hakadosh Boruch Hu said to Gideon: “Go and save Israel. Go with this strength of yours.” What strength? The strength of the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother. Because Gideon took special care to honor his father and mother, he had the strength to save the Jewish people, and he did save them. So certainly we, who so eagerly await and want to bring about the revelation of Moshiach Tzidkeinu and the true and complete Geulah, can hasten and bring the Geulah closer by increasing our observance of the mitzvah of honoring our father and mother. Greetings. We are now going to study the halachos of honoring one’s father and mother: “Honor your father and your mother.” This mitzvah is so fundamental to Jewish life, and it has many details, some better known and some less so. With Hashem’s help, we’ll now take the time to go through the halachos and learn their practical implications for honoring one’s father and mother. We’ll begin with a very interesting question brought here in Rabbi Akiva Eiger’s glosses on the Shulchan Aruch. He asks:

30:14 Speaker 2 Why don’t we recite a blessing over honoring our father and mother? We recite a blessing when putting on tefillin, and we even recite blessings over rabbinic mitzvos, such as washing our hands. Yet we don’t recite a blessing over honoring our father and mother. Why doesn’t a person recite a blessing before going to honor his father and mother? Seemingly, he should say, “Blessed are You, Hashem, Who commanded us to honor our father and mother.” There is no such blessing. Why not? The responsa Binyamin Ze’ev offers a very interesting answer. It says that no blessing was instituted for a mitzvah incumbent on both the Jewish people and the nations of the world. Since both are obligated to honor their father and mother, no blessing was instituted for it. Another answer was given by the Rashba: since a father can waive the honor due to him, a blessing cannot be instituted for something whose requirements can vary and which can be waived. It is not fixed; perhaps he will waive his honor. We find a third answer, based specifically on the weight of the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother. This mitzvah is so weighty that a person may never fully fulfill it. So one cannot recite a blessing over something that has no fixed measure. As our Sages, of blessed memory, relate, Rabbi Tarfon once fell very seriously ill. His mother came to the Sages and said, “Pray for my son, who honors me greatly—even more than he needs to.” They asked her: What special honor does he show you? She told them about the extraordinary ways Rabbi Tarfon honored his mother. As is well known, he treated her with exceptional honor. After hearing what she said, the Sages told her, “He has not reached even half of the honor due to a father and mother.” In other words, honoring one’s father and mother

33:07 Speaker 2 has no fixed measure and no end, so one cannot recite a blessing over it. But precisely because it has no end or fixed measure, and because it is so weighty, we can understand how important this mitzvah is and how important it is to be meticulous in fulfilling it as well as possible: to honor one’s father and mother and to revere them, as we will learn, with Hashem’s help, in the halachos ahead. The halachos of honoring one’s father and mother are found in the Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah, sections 240 and 241. The Shulchan Aruch begins: “One must be very careful about honoring one’s father and mother and revering them.” There are two mitzvos here: one of honor and a second of reverence. Honoring them is a positive mitzvah, an obligation to act. Revering them is like a negative commandment—an obligation not to cause them distress, and so on, as we will see in detail, with Hashem’s help. Honor for one’s father and mother must, first of all, be expressed in action: treating them with honor and not, G-d forbid, in a way that demeans them. It must be expressed in speech: speaking in their presence and to them respectfully and with reverence, in a conciliatory and gently requesting manner, and not, G-d forbid, harshly, insultingly, or hurtfully. It must be expressed in thought. As Sefer Chassidim writes, a person should regard his parents as among the great and distinguished people of the land, even if others do not consider them important at all. This is the essence of the mitzvah of honor. For if he does not do so, it is written: “With his mouth and his lips he honored Me, but his heart was far from Me.” A person therefore needs to honor his father and mother in his thoughts as well, thinking of them and picturing them as distinguished people, among the distinguished of the land. They are his father and mother, and honoring them in thought, speech, and action is the complete fulfillment of the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother. Regarding this mitzvah, the Shulchan Aruch writes in paragraph 17: “Both a man and a woman”

36:22 Speaker 2 Men and women are equal in their obligation to honor and revere their father and mother. There is no difference between a man and a woman. Both are obligated to honor their father and mother. A married woman, however, has another obligation: to honor her husband. When her obligation to her husband requires her attention, she is at that time exempt from honoring her father and mother. She cannot attend to their needs because she has obligations to her husband. Therefore, she is exempt from honoring her parents while she is married; if she is divorced or widowed, she is obligated. At the same time, the Shach writes that if her husband permits her and gives her the opportunity to do what she needs to honor her father and mother, then at that time her obligation to him gives way, and she must attend to honoring them. This generally applies especially to things that take time: if she devotes that time to her husband, she cannot devote it to honoring her parents. Let’s take an example. One of the things the halachic authorities require as a basic part of honoring parents is talking with one’s father and mother, particularly as parents get older. They need people to spend time with them, listen to them, and talk with them. If that comes at the expense of her husband, then at that time she has an obligation to him. She needs to be available to him, meet his needs, and look after his well-being. So, from a halachic standpoint, because she has that obligation to her husband, she cannot speak with her parents on the phone right now if it conflicts with that obligation. But if her husband says to her, “I want you to use this time, this hour every day, to honor your parents—to call them, talk with them, or stop by to see them. I give up my claim to that time for their sake,” then

39:17 Speaker 2 at that time she is obligated to honor her father and mother: to talk with them and help them with what they need, to the extent that she can then. Since her husband has released her from her obligation to him during that time, she is obligated to honor her parents. During the rest of the time, which her husband has not set aside for honoring her parents, when she needs to attend to him and to the home, she has an obligation to someone else, and so she is not obligated to honor her parents at that time. But the halachic authorities clarify that the fact that she is not obligated to honor them then does not, G-d forbid, exempt her from revering them. On the contrary, that obligation remains in force at that time too, and she must be careful to show them reverence. For example, if she is at her parents’ home with her husband, she cannot say, “Well, I’m exempt from honoring and revering them, so I’ll sit in my father’s or mother’s chair”—the chair or place reserved for them. Certainly not. Her exemption applies only to the positive acts of honoring them, because she must devote her efforts to her husband’s needs. But she has no permission, G-d forbid, to treat her father or mother disrespectfully at that time. So both men and women are obligated to honor their father and mother. It is just that, as we said, a married woman has an obligation to her husband. But if her husband is not there, or he gives her time to devote to honoring her parents, she is certainly obligated at that time to honor them, just like a man. Honoring one’s father and mother has special significance not only during their lifetimes. Honoring them after they have passed away is also very significant. Yes, absolutely. Honoring parents applies both in their lifetime and after their passing. As our Sages said, honoring a parent after their passing is greater than honoring them during their lifetime. In other words, a person

41:49 Speaker 2 must treat his father and mother with honor even after they have passed away. First, there is the halachic ruling brought here in section 9. The Shulchan Aruch writes: “One is obligated to honor him even after his death. How? When citing a teaching in his name, one says, ‘Thus said my father, my teacher; may I be an atonement for his resting place,’ if it is within twelve months. After twelve months, one says, ‘Of blessed memory.’” This applies to his father and, of course, to his mother as well. Mentioning one’s father or mother after their passing—repeating a Torah teaching in one’s father’s name, or an example of good conduct in his name—brings great pleasure to the soul. Being mentioned in this world in connection with strengthening Torah study or encouraging good conduct draws light and blessing upon them in the higher world where they are. It is written—I think the Chida writes this—that Hashem placed the words “Each of you shall revere his mother and father” next to “and keep My Shabbosos” to teach us that the soul takes particular pleasure in being mentioned on Shabbos. When someone repeats a Torah teaching on Shabbos in the name of his father or mother, it elevates them and brings them great pleasure in Gan Eden. The holy Zohar says something very interesting: When a person sits on Shabbos and shares a new Torah insight he has developed, Hakadosh Boruch Hu rejoices greatly. He summons the entire heavenly court, seats the father of the son who is sharing that insight beside Him, and says, “Rejoice, My children; rejoice for this man, whose son is sitting and developing new Torah insights.” In other words, think how much good a person brings his father in the World to Come by following the path of Torah in this world—especially when he shares Torah teachings in his father’s name and for his merit, and develops new Torah insights in his name and for his merit. This brings great pleasure to Hakadosh Boruch Hu and to the souls of his father and mother in the World to Come. At the same time, a person also

44:26 Speaker 2 needs to act for the benefit of his father and mother. There is also the well-known matter of saying Kaddish, through which he elevates the souls of his father and mother. One should give tzedakah and arrange for tzedakah for the benefit of the souls of those who have passed away, thereby elevating their souls higher and higher. Another way is to name a child after them. If no one has yet been named after his father, it is a great mitzvah to give his son his father’s name. He does not need to change the name. The prohibition against mentioning his father’s name as a matter of honoring him does not apply here, because that prohibition applies during his father’s lifetime: either in his presence, or when mentioning him to others without adding a title of respect. But when he names his son after his father, the very act of giving his son that name adds to his father’s honor. If, G-d forbid, his father passed away young, he can add another name alongside his father’s name, but his father’s name should be the main name. For example, suppose his father was named—what shall I say?—Yehuda, and Yehuda passed away young. Then he could name his son Chaim Yehuda, to add life, but his father’s name should be the primary one. The Shulchan Aruch also writes about paying a father’s debts. If a father left debts, it is a mitzvah for his sons to pay them. This is explained in Shulchan Aruch, Choshen Mishpat, section 107. It is a subject in its own right, but we need to know that sons have an obligation to pay their father’s debts. This is not only a material obligation; it is also a moral and spiritual obligation toward his soul. For the teachings of Kabbalah say that a soul is not granted rest while it has debts from this world. There is a very interesting story about a man who owed money to a certain nobleman. And I think the Baal Shem Tov approached that nobleman

46:54 Speaker 2 And he asked him if he could show him the promissory notes he had. When the man showed them to him, he saw the note for the person who had passed away and asked, “Who is this person who owes you money?” He answered, “That person has already passed away.” He said, “Are you willing to forgive his debt and give me that note?” The man replied, “Take it. I have no use for it.” “Are you giving it to me wholeheartedly?” “Yes.” He gave it to him wholeheartedly. He took the promissory note and tore it to pieces, and at that very moment one of the horses in the stable fell and died. The Baal Shem Tov said that the soul had pleaded with him: because he owed that man money, he was not being left in peace, to the point that he had descended into an animal to repay the debt he owed. He asked the Baal Shem Tov to redeem him. The moment the lender gave him the promissory note, forgave the debt wholeheartedly, and the note was torn up, the soul of that horse departed, because there was no longer any need to repay the debt, which had been canceled at that moment. That is why children have a moral obligation to pay the debts their parents owed. Of course, it is also a great mitzvah to carry out the wishes of the deceased concerning their wills. Sadly, there are many disputes over wills, and we need to know that the greatest anguish for a soul is when the children fight over inheritances, fight over wills, and try to overturn the deceased person’s instructions. Beyond the mitzvah of carrying out the wishes of the deceased, this causes the soul great pain. So even if the father did not arrange his will exactly according to all the laws of inheritance, it is a great mitzvah to carry out his wishes exactly as he stated them, and certainly not to fight over it, but to live in peace and get along with one another. Because when the children

49:06 Speaker 2 live in peace, that is what gives the souls the greatest satisfaction. Does a father have the authority to tell his son not to fulfill certain mitzvos, or not to be in contact with certain people because the father has a dispute with them? Or to tell his son not to do certain things in public life? The rule is as the Torah says: “A man shall fear his mother and father, and you shall keep My Shabbosos.” You and your father are both obligated to honor Me. In other words, a father has no authority to tell his son not to fulfill a mitzvah or not to keep Shabbos. On the contrary, the son is commanded to observe the Torah just as his father is, so the father cannot tell him to violate the Torah. But a father can say to him, “There are certain things I ask you not to do.” For example, a father can ask his son not to act as a guarantor for loans. He can ask this of his son, and the son must comply. A father can ask his son, for example, not to serve on certain committees that could cause distress, and the like. When it comes to things like these, which do not involve violating a mitzvah, a father can certainly ask his son, and the son must listen to him. But a father cannot tell him, “Listen, so-and-so hates me, and I want you to hate him too,” because in effect he is telling him to violate the positive mitzvah of “Love your fellow as yourself” and the prohibition “Do not hate your brother in your heart.” He is telling him to violate the Torah’s mitzvos, and a father has no authority to tell his son to do that. In this matter, the son does not have to listen to his father. One very interesting matter in which a son is not obligated to listen to his father concerns where he studies Torah. As the Shulchan Aruch writes, Torah study is greater than honoring one’s father and mother. So if the son knows that in a certain place he will be able to study Torah with greater peace of mind, more fully, and more successfully, he may go and study Torah there even if his father is unhappy with that place. Nor must a son interrupt his Torah study to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring his father and mother. So if a son has a fixed time for Torah study and his father asks him for something at exactly that time, he may put off his father’s request until after his regular study session and then do what he asks. But on the other hand, a son should not get clever and say, “Well, uh, Dad wants something. Okay, Dad, I have a class now”—inventing a class or a study session so that he will not have to honor his father and mother. That is not what this ruling is about. It applies to a fixed time for Torah study, or to someone who studies Torah regularly and whose study will be disrupted if he does not continue now. But if the study is not scheduled, then he can and should first fulfill the mitzvah of honoring his father and mother, and afterward study what he wanted to study.

51:22 Speaker 2 More extensively and with greater success—even if his father is unhappy with that place, the son may go and study Torah there. A son is also not required to interrupt his Torah study to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring his father and mother. So if the son has a fixed time for Torah study and his father asks him for something at precisely that time, he may put off his father’s request until after his study session and then do what he wants. On the other hand, the son shouldn’t get clever about it and say, “Oh, Dad wants something? Well, Dad, I have a class now”—making up a class or a study session to avoid honoring his father and mother. That isn’t what this ruling is about. It applies to a fixed Torah study session, or to someone who studies Torah regularly and would have to interrupt his study to fulfill the request. But if it isn’t a fixed study session, he can and should first fulfill the mitzvah of honoring his father and mother, and then study what he wanted to study.