Laws of Harchakos - Rabbi Menachem Mendel Harel shlita

00:02 Speaker 1 You’re listening to “Lema’an Yishme’u,” a podcast from Machon Halacha Chabad.

00:09 Speaker 2 With Hashem’s help, we’ll now discuss the laws of harchakos—the boundaries between husband and wife during the days when the wife is ritually impure. It’s important to emphasize that these laws apply in practice whether she became impure through a stain, which is a matter of rabbinic law, or through a biblical form of impurity, such as blood found during an examination or an actual menstrual period. However she became impure, even if some external factor caused it, from that moment on the husband and wife must follow the laws established by our Sages, of blessed memory: the laws of harchakos during her days of impurity. It’s worth noting, though this isn’t our subject right now, that when the expected time of her period arrives, they do not need to observe all the harchakos—only the laws of separation that apply to that time. With Hashem’s help, we’ll clarify this when we discuss that subject. The full laws of harchakos apply when the wife is definitely impure. Likewise, if the husband and wife have a question—for the simplest example, suppose she performed an examination at the required time and has a question about the appearance of what she found, and neither she nor her husband can determine whether it is impure or pure, and they have no one to ask just then. Perhaps it’s already late at night, or for some other reason they have no one to ask at that moment or during those hours. It’s important to know that as long as the question remains unresolved, it is as though she is impure, and during that time they must observe all the laws of harchakos. Of course, the best solution is to reach a rabbi as soon as possible. It’s also worth noting that rabbis are generally available even at night to answer people’s questions, especially on these matters. But until the question has been brought to a rabbi and he has ruled, and the couple does not know whether she is impure or pure, they must observe all

03:04 Speaker 2 the laws of harchakos. We need to understand that although these laws are called harchakos, meaning “distancing,” the distance is only physical, and only in those matters for which our Sages, of blessed memory, and the halachic authorities prescribed it. It certainly does not mean, G-d forbid, emotional distance between husband and wife. On the contrary, at this time they need to show each other their inner affection—the bond they share as people who love one another and are loved and cherished by one another. The husband in particular should understand that this is an emotionally difficult time for his wife. She is not at fault; she did nothing to cause it. It is a decree Hakadosh Boruch Hu made after Chava ate from the Tree of Knowledge. Nevertheless, she finds it difficult, even though, as we said, she is not to blame. Therefore, the husband should treat his wife with even greater sensitivity and respect at this time, because she is much more easily hurt. Our Sages, of blessed memory, taught us, “Be careful to honor your wives.” On the one hand, through honoring one’s wife one will become wealthy. On the other hand, we must know that a woman is quick to tears, and very troubling things are written about someone who, G-d forbid, causes his wife to cry. So we need to bring both things together. On the one hand, these are laws that must be observed in full, just as halacha requires. At the same time, in the spirit of the value and respect our Sages placed on a wife, a husband should treat her gently and maintain emotional closeness. Of course, they must be careful to avoid things that could, G-d forbid, draw them into crossing the boundary the Sages established and lead to wrongdoing. Both of these principles are true, and both need

05:48 Speaker 2 to be part of how a husband and wife conduct themselves. As we said, the laws of harchakos apply from the time the wife becomes impure until she immerses in a kosher mikveh. The minimum time from when she becomes impure is five days, known as the waiting days. On the fifth day, she generally performs a hefsek taharah examination and then counts seven clean days. After those days have passed, she immerses in the mikveh on the night following the seventh day, and then all forms of closeness with her husband are permitted. But if, for any reason, it takes her longer to become pure, or she has not become pure for some other reason, the husband and wife must observe all the laws of harchakos during that time, even if the bleeding stopped long ago. Incidentally, these laws apply to every woman, whether young or older—going through menopause or already past it—who suddenly sees blood for some reason, if that blood has the halachic status of blood that renders her impure. In that case, too, all the laws of harchakos apply. When bleeding occurs unexpectedly, however, she generally should not decide the ruling herself. As with all such matters, she should call a rabbi, describe the situation and explain the details, and pray to Hakadosh Boruch Hu to give the rabbi the right siyata diShmaya to determine the halacha in her case. Sometimes a woman assumes she is impure without asking a rabbi, or without telling him exactly everything that happened—particularly when she is older. She then feels very uncomfortable about it, whereas if she had described the whole case, the circumstances and all the details, it is quite possible that, with siyata diShmaya, the rabbi would have determined that she is not impure, but pure. But even if that did not happen, or if, after considering all the details of the case, the rabbi has to rule

08:25 Speaker 2 that in this case she is impure, then all the laws of harchakos apply from that moment until she immerses in a kosher mikveh. The Torah says: “You shall not approach a woman in her menstrual impurity to uncover her nakedness.” When a woman is a niddah, whether her impurity is biblical or rabbinic, physical intimacy is forbidden. Marital relations are certainly forbidden, as are hugging, kissing and sleeping in the same bed. There are also other laws of harchakos that our Sages, of blessed memory, enacted so that people would not, G-d forbid, come to sin. For the Torah instructed our Sages, “Make a fence around the Torah”—that is, establish safeguards so that people do not come to commit serious transgressions. One might ask: a husband and wife have a natural bond, so when a man is in a room with his wife, what holds him back? How can they even live together in the same home during her days of impurity? A person could easily, G-d forbid, be drawn into sin. The Gemara relates that a heretic already asked our Sages, of blessed memory, this question. They told him that the Torah testifies of us, “Hedged in with roses”: even a fence of roses, a soft fence, keeps a man from approaching his wife when she tells him, “I saw something red like a rose.” Our Sages, of blessed memory, also relate the well-known story of the days of Tzidkiyahu, when the royal line of the House of David was nearly wiped out. The point is that his wife was brought into the pit where he was being held, under terrible conditions, and apparently, from the excitement, she saw blood. She told him, “I have become impure.” Think about the situation. He had not seen his wife for a long time. He certainly had not been with her, and certainly not under conditions in which they could be together. And now, at last, she was brought in. Even

11:29 Speaker 2 No one guarantees him that it will happen again, and she tells him, “I saw a drop of blood.” He immediately separates from her and does not touch her. Hakadosh Boruch Hu sees this, and it causes a great stir in Heaven. Hakadosh Boruch Hu says: “Because you guarded yourselves and did not come close to each other when she told you, ‘I have become impure,’ I have released your prisoners from the pit. In this merit I will redeem you.” Hakadosh Boruch Hu warns the Jewish people to guard themselves against impurity. Guarding against impurity and following the path of purity gives us the merit to be here in the Holy Land. It is the merit that brings the Jewish people to the Geulah. So although it can sometimes be very challenging and very difficult, the Torah testifies about us, about the Jewish people, that even a fence of roses—words of Torah as soft as a rose—they will not cross, and, G-d forbid, they will not stumble in the serious prohibitions of niddah. It is important to note that along with the difficulty, questions sometimes come up for a couple: Maybe we can be a little lenient? Just touch each other through our clothes? Just sit next to each other? We need to know that this is absolutely forbidden. The Gemara relates, in Tanna Devei Eliyahu: There was once a student who studied Scripture and Mishnah and served Torah scholars, yet died halfway through his life. His wife went around with his tefillin to shuls and study halls. She asked the rabbis; she asked the sages: The Torah says, “For it is your life and the length of your days,” and “so that your days may be lengthened.” My husband studied Scripture and Mishnah and served Torah scholars—how could he have died halfway through his life? It was a difficult question. It was a painful question, and no one could answer her. No one knew what to tell her. Eliyahu Hanavi relates: Until I myself came to that woman, and she told me the whole story and asked me those questions. Eliyahu Hanavi says: I said to her, “My daughter,

14:25 Speaker 2 how did he behave with you during the days of your impurity?” She answered, “He did not touch me even with his little finger.” From this we learn that even touching is forbidden during the days of her impurity—not her, and not the clothes she is wearing. I said to her, “How did he behave during your days of counting the seven clean days? How did you conduct yourselves?” She said, “During those days we would sleep in the same bed, fully clothed, each of us on one side of the bed. We did not touch each other, and it certainly never occurred to him to come close to me.” Eliyahu heard her words and said to her: “Blessed is the Omnipresent, Who killed him and showed no favoritism where the Torah is concerned. For the Torah says, ‘You shall not come close to a woman during the impurity of her niddah’—this includes every form of closeness.” Despite his commitment to Torah and his greatness, he allowed himself to violate the Torah’s command, and, as it were, this was the punishment that befell him. So it is very important for us, too, to know that despite the challenge and difficulty involved, observing these laws is what draws down and brings blessing to a husband and wife, so that the Shechinah dwells between them. When a husband and wife are worthy, the Shechinah dwells between them. That happens when they bring the fulfillment of Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s will into their lives, particularly into this special—and, one might even say, challenging—part of their lives and its laws. Our Sages, of blessed memory, gave two conditions under which a husband and wife may be in the same home during the days when the woman is impure. First, he is already her husband in the full sense. Second, she will be able to become pure for him. If either condition is missing, then even if they intend to observe the laws of separation, they may not live together in the same home. They may not be alone together. Let’s give examples of both cases. The first example is a bride whose marriage has not yet been consummated. A bride and groom got married, and the bride was a niddah, or immediately after the chuppah she began to menstruate—she saw blood—and they have not yet consummated the marriage. Until she immerses in a mikvah, they may not be alone in the same

17:23 Speaker 2 home. There must always be other people with them, as required by the laws of yichud. The other case is a woman who, G-d forbid, cannot become pure because of some medical reason or some other issue. Even though the marriage has already been consummated, since she will not be able to become pure, there is a problem with their being alone together. If a woman cannot become pure for an extended period, that is a situation that requires consulting a rabbi about the specific circumstances. Our hope is that, with Hashem’s help, such things will not happen, that all women will be healthy, and that Hakadosh Boruch Hu will arrange their lives in the best, healthiest, and most beneficial way. But if such a question does arise, we need to know which situations require consultation. Touching a woman during the days when she is impure is forbidden even with what is called “the little finger”—even with the pinky. This applies even to a garment she is wearing. The emphasis is on “wearing”: if she has taken it off—say she took off her coat, put it on the table, and asked her husband, “Please hang this on the hook if you can”—there is no prohibition. The husband may take the coat and hang it on the hook. Or, for another example, the woman asks him, “Do me a favor. I’m putting on a load of sheets; please take the sheets off our beds too.” Even though the woman is not pure at that time, and the sheet might even be a little stained with menstrual blood, there is no problem. The husband may fold the sheets and bring them to the washing machine. As an extension of the prohibition on touching, there is also the law that they may not pass a long object from one to the other, in either direction. Let’s take a simple example: lifting a table together. There is a table they need to move from the side of the living room to the center. As long as the woman is pure, there is no problem. But when she is impure, they may not lift the table together.

20:03 Speaker 2 It makes no difference how long or how heavy the object is. This action is forbidden during her days of niddah. Likewise, they may not hand an object to each other during those days. If she needs to pass him the house key, a phone, or anything else, she should put it on the table or somewhere else, and he can take it from there. But they do not hand it over directly. This is also why a couple cannot serve as kvatter at a bris during her days of impurity: the baby has to be passed from the women’s section to the men’s section, and if the woman is impure, then where would she—how would she pass the baby to her husband? Getting into complicated arrangements where she puts the baby on a table and someone picks the baby up would create an unnecessary public spectacle. Likewise, the Piskei Dinim of the Tzemach Tzedek says not to do it by having the man throw an object upward and the woman catch it as it falls. What is the reasoning someone might use to permit that? If he hands or throws it directly to her, she receives it directly from his force—or he receives it from hers. But if it is thrown upward, the initial force ends and then the object falls downward, perhaps that is considered only an indirect effect of his force? We should be careful to avoid these maneuvers too. Of course, blessing will come to each and every person who carefully observes these laws as they should. The same applies to a baby. Thank G-d, a baby boy or girl has been born, at a good and auspicious time. As is known, a woman becomes impure at childbirth. Usually it happens even before the moment of birth, from the time there is bleeding or a certain degree of dilation, and so on. The woman is impure, and all the laws of separation apply. Now a baby boy or girl has just been born, at a good and auspicious time. The parents are very moved and very happy. So first of all, we need to know that from the time of birth until the woman immerses—usually a matter of several weeks—she is impure, and all the laws of separation apply.

22:40 Speaker 2 At the same time, we certainly want Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s special blessing for a newborn baby, boy or girl, so we need to act according to His will. That is why the baby cannot be passed directly from one person’s hands to the other’s. Instead, the wife should put the baby down on the bed, and the husband can pick the baby up from there. If the baby needs medicine and neither spouse can give it alone—say, one needs to hold the baby so the other can give the medicine—then the wife can hold the baby while the husband gives the medicine, or vice versa. In that situation it is permitted, but they must be very careful not to touch each other. When the baby grows a little, the baby may enjoy moving from father to mother. If the baby throws himself from the father to the mother, or from the mother to the father, there is no problem. But when the baby is smaller or asleep, and the father or mother wants to pass the baby to the other, if the wife is in her days of impurity, they may not pass the baby directly. As we said regarding a small baby, they should put the baby down in the crib or on the bed, and the other spouse can pick the baby up from there. Similarly, they may not sit together on a bench that moves. Take a large sofa with cushions where you can feel when someone sits down or moves: they may not sit together on that sofa during her days of impurity. Even when they sit together on a heavy bench that does not move—say, a sturdy, stable public bench where they cannot feel each other’s movements—they must be careful that their clothing does not touch. The same thing requires attention when traveling

25:11 Speaker 2 on a bus. The bus seats are sturdy, and people sit firmly in them, but they are very close together. So when we are talking about adults, it is quite possible that during the ride the bus will shift and they will be thrown against each other, or their clothing will touch. That is forbidden during her days of impurity. In such a situation, it is preferable from the outset to sit on opposite sides of the aisle, so they do not run into a question. One sits on one side of the bus aisle and the other on the other side, next to each other across the aisle, somewhere more comfortable—not at the front of the bus, but farther inside, where it attracts less attention. That way they avoid problems and questions that might arise during the ride. Our Sages of blessed memory and the halachic authorities wrote that situations in which their clothing or bodies touch during her days of impurity are forbidden. A wise person therefore thinks ahead and avoids them. “Sharing a drink brings people closer.” Nothing brings people closer to one another more than a meal. It is something significant and important: they sit down together, eat together, drink together, and rejoice together. Our Sages of blessed memory said that because a shared meal can lead a couple to transgress, they need to place some sort of visible reminder between them when they eat together. First, we need to understand what counts as a visible reminder. It has to be noticeable. Something tiny, like a ring, does not count. There are several conditions for something to qualify as a proper reminder that allows them to eat at the same table. The best option is to put something between them that they both know is there for this purpose, that they are not using during the meal, and that is clearly visible. Take the simplest example: they sit down to eat. There is

27:55 Speaker 2 bread they are eating, and there is a roll they are not eating. They can put the roll between them, and it will serve as a reminder. They can put a Chitas between them, and that will serve as a reminder, since they are not using it during the meal. In other words, these are things whose height makes them noticeable among the items on the table, and both spouses know that the item is their reminder. This reminder is required even if other people are at the table, and even if the wife has changed places and is sitting in another chair. They still need some sort of reminder between them, but only the two of them need to know what it is. No one else around them is supposed to know. It is enough for the husband or wife to place the—I mentioned the Chitas as an example—or the roll, or something else they are not using at that meal, between them. They know it is their reminder, and everything is fine; they can eat together in good health and peace. Another kind of reminder that a husband and wife can use during her days of impurity is to put a napkin or placemat under a plate. If they do not normally eat with placemats or put a napkin under a plate, but now one of them puts something under their plate that separates it from the table, that also counts as a reminder. There is just one important point to know: it must be visible. If it is tucked underneath the plate and no one can see it—not even the person whose plate it is—it does not count. So if it is a napkin, it should be opened out to its full size, with the husband’s or wife’s plate on top of it. Then it counts as a reminder. There is another halacha concerning eating: a husband may not eat or drink his wife’s leftovers. It is important to emphasize

30:19 Speaker 2 that this prohibition applies only to the husband. A wife may eat her husband’s leftovers. Therefore, if the wife left food on her plate that is still fit to eat, and the husband wants some, he must do one of the following for it to be permitted. One option is to transfer it from her plate to his. He should not eat her leftovers from the same plate she ate from; he should transfer them to his plate, and then he may eat them. Alternatively, if she has left the room, he may eat her leftovers. Some halachic authorities write that if she took a bite of the food, he should cut off the place where she bit it, so he does not eat from the exact spot she bit. If the husband does not know that his wife ate from that food, she does not need to tell him, “Oh, I ate some.” He can continue eating. If she used a plate, emptied it completely, and new food was put on it, the new food is not considered her leftovers, and he may eat it. As for drinks, he may not drink what she has left in her cup. If it is poured from her cup into another cup, it is permitted. If she has left the room, he may drink it then, too. If he does not know that she drank from it, she does not need to tell him. If she emptied the cup and it was filled with a new drink, he may drink from it as well, and there is no requirement to rinse the cup between uses. As stated, all this applies during the days when the wife is in a state of impurity. So they need to pay attention to all the matters we have discussed, and particularly to those halachos concerning eating and drinking. What do they do on an outing? They bought one bottle to drink from and need a drink. Of course, a wise person thinks ahead: in such a situation, they bring two bottles or buy a bottle and cups. But if that is impossible for some reason, then since the wife can

32:52 Speaker 2 drink after her husband, but the husband cannot drink what his wife has left over. In that situation, the husband should drink first, and then the wife can drink what remains. Once she has drunk, he cannot drink from it unless he pours it into another cup, or she leaves and he drinks when she is not present. Another option is for someone else to drink between them. Say her younger brother or his younger brother is there: they can let him drink between them, and then what the husband drinks is what that other person left over. There are several tasks that are particular to a wife’s relationship with her husband: pouring his cup, making his bed, and washing his face, hands, and feet. When a wife is tahor, she does these things for her husband. By the way, it is important to mention, as a matter of modesty, that these tasks are particular to a wife and her husband—not, G-d forbid, to another woman. When a wife becomes tamei and is not tahor, she may not do those things for her husband. She may not pour his cup. She may pour him water, even in his presence. But pouring a cup originally meant taking wine and mixing it with water, as was done in those days. That is what “mixing” or “pouring” meant. It is a special task that arouses affection: she knows his taste, how much wine and how much water he likes. That is what the Sages forbade a wife to do for her husband when she is tamei. This also has implications today. For example, during that time a wife cannot prepare coffee or tea for her husband in his presence. But if she does it when he is not present—prepares the coffee in the kitchen and brings it to the table, and the husband takes his cup of coffee—that is permitted. Contemporary halachic authorities differ over whether pouring cola or another drink falls under this prohibition. Some have written that one should be stringent,

35:42 Speaker 2 even though she is not mixing anything as we described earlier, because there is still an element of affection in pouring him the juice he likes, and so on. Other authorities have written that there is no problem with it. In any case, something that does require mixing the ingredients of a drink—like the more common example today of preparing coffee or tea to the husband’s or wife’s taste—may be done only when the other is not present. In other words, it can be prepared in the kitchen and brought to the table, but doing it right in his or her presence when she is tamei is forbidden. Likewise, she should not serve him food or drink directly. Instead, she should serve it with a change: for example, if she usually serves with her right hand, she should use her left hand at this time. Alternatively, she can put it down a little distance from him—not far, just far enough that he has to draw it toward himself, completing the act of taking it. Of course, she should not pass it from hand to hand. She should put it on the table, and he should take it himself. If she brings a central platter of chicken, meat, or stuffed foods to the table, she does not need to put it far from her husband so that he has to draw it toward himself. Since it is a serving platter, she can put it near him: he will in any case take food from it and place it on the plate in front of him. And if she mistakenly served something right next to him, there is no need to panic. Nothing has happened; the food is not forbidden, and he can eat it. There is no need to take it back and serve it again from farther away. Likewise, regarding Kiddush, a husband may not send his wife

37:57 Speaker 2 a cup of blessing—when she is tamei, of course. When she is tahor, as we said, he should indeed pass it to her, but not when she is tamei. So what should they do at Kiddush? The husband drinks from the Kiddush cup and puts it down, and the wife picks it up and drinks. In fact, it is very advisable to do this all the time, because, thank G-d, there are children and other people around, and not everyone needs to be able to tell the wife’s status from what happens with the Kiddush cup. It is a perfectly normal practice in any home: the husband finishes Kiddush, puts down the cup, and his wife, standing next to him, picks it up and drinks. That is entirely reasonable and understandable. They also may not eat from the same dish. So if there is a central serving dish with food that people take from, first of all, they cannot take from it at the same time. Even if it is a large dish, they cannot take from it together: the husband takes some, and then the wife takes some. Second, since it is one dish and they may not eat from the same plate, they should take the food, put it on their own plates, and then eat from those plates. At a dining table, that is easy to understand: salad goes from the serving bowl onto each person’s plate. But where might a question or problem arise? Say there is a large platter of sweets, cakes, and assorted snacks. The husband takes something, puts it on a napkin in front of him, and then eats it from there; the wife does the same. If they go on an outing together and have just one bag of some snack or other, they cannot take from it at the same time. Nor can they take from it one after the other without having somewhere to put their portions. For example, they could take an extra shopping bag from the store when they buy the snack, and divide it in half:

40:22 Speaker 2 half for the husband and half for the wife. They may not sleep together in the same bed. Even if there are two separate beds, if they touch with no space between them, they may not sleep that way; there must be a gap between the beds. The minimum gap is one amah, approximately fifty centimeters. That is the minimum distance required between the beds. Even if the beds are apart, if something connects them, that is also an issue. Let me give an example. Today there is a product called a “Jewish bed,” whose two parts can be joined or separated. When the wife is tahor, they can be joined. When she is tamei, it has a track that moves them apart. But if they remain connected by the track, even though they are apart, the whole thing is considered one bed. So one of the beds must be detached from the track. If the room is very, very small and there is little room to separate the beds, there must at least be enough space to put something between them—a small bedside table, a small chair, or at least a suitcase, something that fits between the beds. Above all, make sure they cannot touch each other while asleep. A husband may not lie on his wife’s bed even when she is not in the room, or even in the house. He may not even sit on her bed when she is not in the room or the house. A wife, on the other hand, is prohibited only from lying on her husband’s bed in his presence. She may sit on his bed in his presence—not together with him, of course, but if, say, he is standing or sitting on another chair and she sits on his bed, that is permitted. In other words, there is a subtle distinction here between husband and wife as to what is permitted and what is forbidden. One needs to pay attention to the details. As for making her husband’s bed in his presence when she is tamei, it depends: if she is just changing the sheets in the usual way, that is permitted even in his presence, because it

43:08 Speaker 2 As a routine task. That is not an expression of affection. But making the bed look beautiful, arranging the pillow and blanket nicely—that is something she cannot do in his presence on the days when she is not tahor. May they go on an outing together during those days? The Rema mentions that they should not go on outings in gardens and orchards. That means an outing where they sit together in a carriage and go to enjoy the scenery and the atmosphere—a journey together, what today we might call a trek. They cannot do that while she is not tahor, and the same applies to similar activities. For example, kayaking, boating together in a small boat where the husband and wife sit together, or a jeep tour in the same jeep, and the like, are forbidden during those days. But traveling to a place where they will enjoy themselves—for example, driving to a park—is different. The drive itself is not the outing; it is a way of getting to the park. At the park they can sit together, eat, take a walk, and so on. That is permitted. There is a fundamental difference between these two kinds of outings, between what is permitted and what is forbidden. So when a question comes up about a particular outing, it is very important to call a rabbi and ask him: “This is the situation. Can we do it or not? And if not, is there a way we could do it?” These guidelines are very general, and certain details can change both the nature of the question and the answer. Asking can prevent a great deal of distress and bring much joy to the couple and their wider family. A woman may have a special perfume. She may wear a little perfume to feel pleasant even during the days when she is not tahor. That is what our Sages, of blessed memory, teach us. It says: “The early Sages used to say that a woman should not apply eyeliner, put on rouge, or wear perfume during her niddah days, until Rabbi Akiva came and said: ‘Then you are making her unattractive to her husband.’ Rather, Rabbi Akiva said: ‘She may apply eyeliner, put on rouge, adorn herself, and wear perfume.’” But it should be in a way that maintains a pleasant atmosphere between

46:01 Speaker 2 husband and wife—not what we would call heavy perfume and makeup today, but makeup that is attractive and pleasant, as befits a woman who wants to look nice, without doing so in a way that could arouse her husband’s desire. When a woman has a perfume that is specifically hers—and generally a woman does have one—her husband may not smell it, even when it is in the perfume bottle. In other words, he may not spray it in order to smell it. Another part of these laws concerns how a husband looks at his wife during the days when she is not tahor. He does not have to walk around the house wearing sunglasses, and he does not have to close his eyes when his wife speaks to him. He may look at her. He may speak with her, as we will also discuss when we come to the subject of conversation. But he must be careful not to gaze in an arousing way at parts of her body that are ordinarily covered. In places that could arouse a man’s desire, he needs to be careful not to look too closely. On the contrary, he should speak with his wife and have conversations with her. He can look at her face and see her as a whole. But looking intently at certain parts of her body is not something one does during the days when she is not tahor. “A woman’s voice is ervah.” When a woman sings, her voice is considered ervah, so during the days when she is not tahor, she may not sing in her husband’s presence. Suppose they are sitting at a Shabbos meal and singing niggunim together. When she is tahor, by all means she should sing, he should hear her, and they should sing and rejoice together. But when she is not tahor, she may not sing where her husband will hear her singing. That applies even if other men or women are in the house—say, baruch Hashem, a large family, with sons and daughters, and everyone is singing together. Even then, when she is not tahor, she may not sing, despite her voice blending with everyone else’s. Regarding conversation between a husband and wife during her niddah days, it says in the

49:08 Speaker 2 Shulchan Aruch: “He should not joke or act frivolously with her, nor speak with her about matters that lead to intimacy.” This does not mean that talking with one’s wife is forbidden. On the contrary, he should talk with her about the home, about life, about decisions they are weighing and challenges they face. Conversation is important. “He should not joke or act frivolously”—that is, the Mishnah says that laughter and frivolity lead a person toward forbidden intimacy. Joking that could lead to that, or to a transgression, is the kind of talk to avoid. But talking together, even telling a nice joke, is fine. There is no problem with laughing a little. The concern is with things that could stir up those feelings, after which the path to other things is short. May a husband and wife play games together during her niddah days? It is very advisable to avoid it. It is difficult to say that it is outright forbidden, but even harder to say that it is permitted from the outset. So it is best to avoid those kinds of games, especially when just the two of them are playing, because they could lead to precisely what our Sages, of blessed memory, established a safeguard against. So games like that—I don’t know, all sorts of games, depending on their nature—should be avoided while she is not tahor. You may express appreciation to your wife, but you must be very careful with a style of speech that could arouse feelings. That is especially true of direct talk about intimate matters. While she is not tahor, those particular conversations are certainly off limits. Preparing pleasant water for her husband in his presence so that he can wash his face, hands, or feet—perhaps that is less common today, but it still happens sometimes—is an expression of affection and is forbidden while she is not tahor. Preparing negel vasser for each other is permitted during those days. If the husband is very ill—so weak that he cannot function—and no one but his wife can care for him, while she is currently not tahor, she may attend to him. But she must be very, very careful not to touch him and must definitely refrain from washing him. When the wife is ill, the situation is much more complicated, and if, G-d forbid, that happens, they must consult a rabbi about whether and how to proceed. May Hakadosh Boruch Hu spare the Jewish people all illness: “I am Hashem, your Healer,” and “None of the diseases I placed upon Egypt will I place upon you.” May the Jewish people know only healing and health. But if, G-d forbid, such a question arises, one must understand that these matters are very, very delicate and involve the finer points and depths of halachah. A rabbi must be consulted about what to do and how to do it.

52:11 Speaker 2 If the only person who can care for him is his wife, and she is currently a niddah, she may attend to him—she may care for him—but she must be very, very careful not to touch him, and she must not bathe him. When the woman is ill, the situation is much more complicated. If, G-d forbid, such a situation arises, they need to consult a rabbi about whether and how to proceed. May Hakadosh Boruch Hu spare the Jewish people all illness: “I am Hashem, your healer,” and “None of the diseases I placed upon Egypt will I place upon you.” May the Jewish people know only healing and health. But if, G-d forbid, such a question does arise, one must understand that these matters are very, very delicate and depend on the finer details of halachah. A rabbi must be consulted about what to do and how to do it.