Educating Children - Rabbi Yosef Avraham Pizam shlita

00:02 Speaker 1 You’re listening to the “Lemaan Yishme’u” podcast from Machon Halacha Chabad.

00:09 Speaker 2 Today, in this class, we’ll discuss education. First, let’s ask ourselves a question: Who is actually responsible for educating children? Sometimes that doesn’t seem so clear. Who really bears that responsibility? In the Rebbe’s sichos and letters, we see... First of all, the Rebbe states unequivocally that responsibility for education rests specifically with the parents, while the teachers are the parents’ shluchim. Since parents need to earn a living and have other things to do in life, they can’t be the only ones teaching their children, so they hire teachers. But whatever still needs to be added, whatever cannot be accomplished within the walls of the school, cheder, or Talmud Torah, comes back to the parents, who need to continue that work. On this very point, the Rebbe says that a woman is better equipped to attend to the details of education: to get into the little things, to provide warmth and a feeling of love and awe of Hashem, and to instill these in her sons and daughters. So when we ask who is responsible for education, the answer is the parents. On the other hand, we also see in the Rebbe’s sichos and letters that when parents, unfortunately, are not always aware of this, the Rebbe asks educators to make up for that gap, so to speak. The responsibility really belongs to the parents, but we need to look after Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s children. We need to treat every child as though he were Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s only child—and it’s not merely “as though”; he truly is Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s only child. So if we see a weakness in the parents’ approach to education—for example, children wasting their Shabbos time, which is sacred and precious—since nearly all Talmud Torahs are closed on Shabbos, the child is in the parents’ hands, and then

03:11 Speaker 2 either he takes part in Shabbos gatherings, Tehillim programs, or other programs of that sort, which is excellent. These exist mainly in communities of Anash. Or the child falls through the cracks, so to speak, and then it is the teachers’ job to find solutions and give students things to do on Shabbos. After Shabbos, the children could bring a parent’s signature confirming that they shared words of Torah at the Shabbos table, repeated one of the Rebbe’s sichos there, and set aside time for Torah study and davening with their father—or with a group that has been set up; such groups need to be set up. This is the responsibility of both the parents and the Talmud Torah. It must not, G-d forbid, become a situation where each side passes the responsibility to the other. On the contrary, each must take responsibility. How do we actually solve the problem and make sure the children have a framework that provides them with meaningful content and keeps them away from negative influences and wasted time? So if we asked who is responsible for education, the answer is that the responsibility rests with the parents, and it also rests with the educators and the rabbis. This is reflected in the Rebbe’s letters as well. The Rebbe cites the verse, “And you shall teach them diligently to your children,” and the Sages say, “‘Your children’—these are your students.” Hence the request that every teacher regard his student as his own child. And it isn’t merely “as though”; spiritually, the student is his child. The Rebbe also says that on “And you shall teach them diligently to your children,” there is another teaching of our Sages: “‘Your children’—these are one’s sons.” So a father, too, is of course commanded to review the words of Torah with his son until they are fluent on his lips. This is how we pass them on to the next generation, and through them to the generations that follow. So the primary responsibility rests with the parents. The educators are their shluchim. In any case, in the Rebbe’s approach, both parents and educators need to take initiative and responsibility, and do whatever is necessary to educate children in Torah and mitzvos, fear of Heaven, love of Hashem, and hiskashrus to the Rebbe, to the highest possible standard. As a principal

06:01 Speaker 2 for many years—and, boruch Hashem, I still serve as principal of the Chabad Tzemach Tzedek Talmud Torah in Haifa and the Krayot—we are called upon from time to time to deal with what people call dilemmas. But these aren’t just theoretical dilemmas. They are situations involving particular children, and we need to help them and their families find solutions. Let me explain. Every Chabad parent wants and hopes for their child to remain in Chabad institutions throughout their education: preschool, cheder and Talmud Torah, yeshivah ketanah and yeshivah gedolah, kvutza, shlichus, and kollel—all of it in Chabad. That is the natural desire, and that is how it should be. Ideally, that’s what should happen. But we cannot—and, G-d forbid, it would not be good to—force a son of ours into a setting that isn’t good for him, one that frustrates him because he isn’t entirely suited to it. Even in the previous generation, and the generation before that, not everyone went through the whole system in that way. It depended on their financial circumstances; it depended on the security situation—the First World War, the Second World War. In short, not everyone followed that path. Sometimes there was no choice, and sometimes there may have been what today would be called a problem with attention and concentration—say, a severe one. So if we tell someone that he must study in a setting that is exclusively academic and rigidly structured, it may well not always suit him. Then we need to consider settings that incorporate other things as well. What I’m trying to say is that the central, important goal is for a student to remain in Chabad institutions throughout his education. And I say that even if there are behavioral problems or difficulties with attention and concentration, we should still make every effort to resolve them within a Chabad setting,

09:00 Speaker 2 to find solutions—and solutions do exist. If that works, if things improve and remain in proportion, then how good and pleasant that is. But if things get out of control, we need to understand that, following very thorough professional assessments and consultations with a Chabad counselor, Chabad educators, and a Chabad rabbi, it may be possible to conclude that, for lack of another option, the child should spend a few years elsewhere receiving support, help with his behavior, and a foundation for learning, and afterward return to Chabad. This is very complicated. It is strictly a last-resort solution, and it is very painful. But it may be that, on very rare occasions, there is no alternative to doing this for a few years, giving the child a foundation, and then returning to Chabad. We need to know that our aim must be for our child to study in Chabad. But it isn’t unthinkable that the whole team and all the experts, including Chabad experts, might say there is no alternative and that a few years of help at another Torah-observant institution are needed. Sometimes there is no choice. I’ll also explain the problem: if a child is unhappy, in the end he says, “I had a bad experience in Chabad,” and then he won’t like Chabad. He won’t like the setting where he felt he didn’t belong because he couldn’t fit in. It is better to give him the help he needs so that he can find his footing as a student who learns, and afterward find his place in Chabad. That’s just a brief look at this point. To sum up again: Chabad is preferable even if the child doesn’t learn that much, as long as he fits in socially and is happy there. He should stay in Chabad. But if his struggles with learning leave him frustrated and things get out of proportion, then we say: let’s do everything we can to help him succeed in learning in Chabad,

11:44 Speaker 2 to get whatever help you can scrape together from wherever you can. But at the same time, sometimes there is no choice: a child needs a different framework for a few years, and then he can return more settled, with somewhat more developed learning abilities and with some basic gaps filled in. Sometimes a child is exceptionally gifted, and his father says, “I want to send him somewhere they learn more pages of Gemara, or where the level of Gemara study is higher. Chabad isn’t going anywhere. He won’t go to a Chabad Talmud Torah, but he’ll go to a Chabad yeshiva ketanah. Or he won’t go to a Chabad yeshiva ketanah, but he’ll go to a Chabad yeshiva gedolah.” So what should we say? Here in Haifa, we received a Haifa education—the education given by the mashpia, the rabbi, the chossid, the tomim, that special mashpia, Rabbi Reuven Dunin, a"h. Reuven instilled in everyone this point: we do what the Rebbe wants. If a chossid has a genuine feeling of connection to the Rebbe—especially now, after all the miracles the Rebbe has performed and continues to perform, and after all the extraordinary answers in Igros Kodesh and so on, when we see how the Rebbe continues to guide the world and perform wonders—then if a person takes to heart what it means that the Rebbe is the leader of the generation, the Rebbe says explicitly that he wants children to study in Chabad institutions. The Rebbe says that with a Chabad institution, you can be confident it belongs to our Rebbeim, the leaders of our generations. They are the ones who run it. The Rebbe runs it; the Frierdiker Rebbe runs it. They run Chabad’s educational institutions. And so, when you look at the results, the children who study in Chabad Talmud Torahs and Chabad institutions, in accordance with the Rebbe’s wishes, will turn out more successful, more G-d-fearing, more chassidic, with more Ahavas Yisroel, and more like menschen than those who study in other institutions. Because the influence comes first and foremost to the Rebbe’s place, to the place where you give the Rebbe nachas ruach by sending your child there. That is what the Rebbe says. The Rebbe

14:07 Speaker 2 says Chabad institutions are of the highest standard. Why? Because once an institution is run by the Rebbe, that itself makes it the highest standard. What is a chassidic date—just an ordinary date? Can you read about it in a history book and consider yourself up to speed? Woe to us. Every Chabad date in a Chabad institution is a whole world. What will you say—that you’ll make up for it at home? You’ll make up for it at home, in the way things are at home. That is no substitute for an atmosphere in which all the educators, the entire Talmud Torah, and every wall proclaim that this is an important date, that this is the value everyone is focused on today. Wherever the Rebbe is in charge, that is where every Chabad student belongs. Thank you, and may you have abundant chassidic nachas from all your children and descendants. Another subject. Another subject that comes up, and comes up often: a school administration asks itself the following question. There is a child who is not behaving properly. And not only is he not behaving properly, he also influences others. The fact is, he’s a popular kid, and his behavior affects others. Sometimes it’s someone on the fringes of the class. That isn’t simple either, because one person’s negative influence does have an effect. But sometimes that child is a dominant figure in class and during recess. He’s good at soccer, and the others start to admire him. So if we have a child whose behavior is spoiling other students, harming other children, and drawing other children after him, then when it is one individual versus the many—as the Rebbe Melech HaMoshiach rules—the welfare of the many takes precedence over the welfare of the individual. As painful as that is to hear. The welfare of the individual takes precedence over the welfare of—the welfare of the many takes precedence over the welfare of the individual. And there are examples of this that I’ll tell you about. First of all, look, we need to understand what we’re dealing with today. Today it isn’t just coarse language that a particular child might bring from home. Today it’s a child walking around with a smart device containing the most serious things in the world, and then showing them to relatively young children, simply turning their world upside down, destroying them, defiling them. So what then? If there is someone like that corrupting an entire class, can we just let it pass? The answer is no. There is a lot that can be done. But if, after we have worked with him—and perhaps we’ll soon discuss what can be done; there are things that can be done—you tried to save him and it didn’t work, because it didn’t work, because he wants to continue and is rebelling against his parents over this, and you see that you’ve tried once, twice, three times—then enough. There is nothing else to do. He needs to leave the system; there will be no choice. Find him another educational framework that suits him, certainly. That is the responsibility of the Talmud Torah, the responsibility of the school. But the welfare of the many takes precedence over the welfare of the individual. This is well known in all Chabad yeshivos, and it is very much the Rebbe’s approach. The general director of Chabad educational institutions, [unclear], one of the Rebbe’s shluchim to the Holy Land, Rabbi Levi Shilkroit, told me that when he studied at 770, the mashpia, Rabbi Shlomo Zakai, told the bochurim that the Rebbe had said to him in yechidus: “Listen, the welfare of the many takes precedence over the welfare of the individual.” The Rebbe told him, “I’m telling you again, so listen carefully”—the Rebbe even said it in an especially loud voice. If someone is corrupting other bochurim, there is no choice. The welfare of the many takes precedence over the welfare of the individual. That is a message from the Rebbe. We must try to save the individual. There are also entire letters from the Rebbe about that. Yes, do everything you can to save him. But if you have not succeeded, then that individual needs

16:58 Speaker 2 A certain child can bring coarseness from home. Today, a child can walk around with a smartphone containing the most harmful things in the world, and then show them to children who are relatively young—turning their world upside down, damaging them, contaminating them. So what do you do? If one child is corrupting an entire class, can you just let it pass? The answer is no. There is a great deal that can be done. But if, after we have dealt with it—and perhaps we’ll discuss shortly what can be done—you tried to save him and it didn’t work, because he wants to carry on and is rebelling against his parents over this; and you try once, twice, three times—then that’s it. There’s no choice: he has to leave the system. Of course, you must find him another educational setting that suits him. That is the responsibility of the Talmud Torah, the responsibility of the school. But the welfare of the many takes precedence over the welfare of the individual. This is well known throughout the Chabad yeshivos, and it is very much the Rebbe’s approach. Rabbi Levi Shilkrut, the director-general of the Chabad educational institutions in [unclear], one of the Rebbe’s shluchim to the Holy Land, told me that when he studied at 770, the bochurim’s mashpia, Rabbi Shlomo Zakhai, told them that the Rebbe had said to him in yechidus: “Listen, the welfare of the many takes precedence over the welfare of the individual.” The Rebbe told him, “I’m telling you again, so listen carefully”—the Rebbe even said it especially loudly. If someone is corrupting other bochurim, there is no choice. The welfare of the many takes precedence over the welfare of the individual. That is a message from the Rebbe. You do need to save the individual. There are also entire letters from the Rebbe about this: yes, do everything you can to save them. But if you haven’t succeeded, then that individual has to

19:26 Speaker 2 to find a framework suited to his situation at that point, at that age and at that spiritual level. That was about an individual who, as they say, has a negative influence on the many in fundamental matters of yiras Shamayim. Now, issues of adolescence and the Rebbe’s guidance on the subject. In adolescence, these issues can arise in a Talmud Torah, in yeshivos ketanos, and in yeshivos gedolos—each place in its own way. How do we deal with them? What are the Rebbe’s instructions? There are detailed instructions. There are detailed instructions. First of all, the Rebbe says this is not a subject for public lectures. Not for public lectures. It calls for one-on-one conversations, or with at most two or three students known to be struggling with the same issues, and working with them. Bring in a Chabad psychologist to speak with them; bring in a mashpia who is able to guide them in these areas. A Chabad counselor, a Chabad psychologist. Yes, there is work to be done here. Often, when teenagers get caught up in—or descend into—behaviors connected with their development, let’s put it that way, the development of their yetzer hara during adolescence, to a great extent you could say it isn’t their fault. They simply saw something, read something, felt something, and they’re curious. They’re curious. They know bits and pieces and want to know everything. They want to experience everything. Who will guide them? They don’t like to talk about it. At best, they talk only among themselves. And so we end up with students involved in serious matters, and no one is helping them. Therefore, when we become aware of such problems among particular students, we don’t give a speech to the whole class, the whole Talmud Torah, or the whole yeshiva. Instead, we take those students who are struggling with these issues of adolescence and have the necessary conversations with him or with them, in the most professional and the most chassidic way, from a perspective of yiras Shamayim. And if more involved individual treatment is needed, then

22:18 Speaker 2 They send everyone... I assume that today every yeshiva and every Talmud Torah already has religious or Charedi counselors and psychologists who know how to work with our community and can provide the appropriate guidance. Because, as I said, many times it stems more from curiosity, from a lack of knowledge—a very strong curiosity that can be put into perspective. And these really are the Rebbe’s instructions: to address it in a very small group or one-on-one. Yes, those are the Rebbe’s instructions. I’ll tell you something else. I also heard this from the shliach Rabbi Levi Shilkroit. He told us that Rabbi Yoel Kahn, the renowned chozer and longtime mashpia—may he live for many good years—once spoke with him about subjects discussed explicitly in Tanya, subjects very much connected with adolescence, though not only adolescence, and especially relevant to boys. They concern things that boys may do. The Rebbe spoke to him very clearly. He told him, “You mashpi’im—it is the responsibility of the mashpi’im to speak about this with the students.” In other words, there are things that children aged twelve, thirteen and up do without initially knowing at all that they are forbidden. They don’t even realize what they’re doing, and they get caught up in it. They get caught up in it. The Rebbe says it is the mashpi’im’s job to speak with them, to explain what is forbidden, what is even more serious, and how to get out of it. At the very least, they should reduce these behaviors as much as possible. That is the work of the mashpi’im. These words of the Rebbe are not very well known, not very well known. Many of the mashpi’im in yeshivas and Talmud Torah schools, and many chassidic educators and counselors, don’t know this at all. The Rebbe says this is the mashpi’im’s job. They need to speak with the children. Today, now that chassidic counseling has developed, it is better for the person who says this to

25:19 Speaker 2 be someone already trained in the subject—in short, a counselor who knows how to handle it. They can do so during a private farbrengen or a small farbrengen, or in special one-on-one conversations. That way we will prepare the students and prevent an atmosphere that pushes the Geulah further away. I remember that once, when we were studying at the yeshiva in Lod, there was a farbrengen on a yahrtzeit, a special occasion. The mashpia, Rabbi Yosef Yeshaya Abrams, who is an outstanding scholar of Chassidus and one of Rabbi Yoel Kahn’s earliest and most distinguished students, did exactly what Rabbi Yoel had heard from the Rebbe. He began speaking about these matters. Not at length, but he said, “Please, you are delaying the Geulah. Stay strong. Moshiach is coming soon. Stay strong, so that you don’t push the Geulah further away.” That concludes the subject of problems associated with adolescence. They do need treatment, but only from genuinely G-d-fearing people and true professionals. You sent your child to a boarding school? [unclear]. You sent your child to a boarding school. He misses home terribly. He desperately wants to come home. Every day or two or three, he has a headache. What did they used to say in the army reserves, in my day? He got headaches, backaches. When we understand that these are psychosomatic pains, we see that he misses home. Something is drawing him strongly back home. What is it? It could be that yeshiva is very hard for him, so he wants to go home to his mother and father. But it could be—and often is—that there are problems with shalom bayis at home. The child feels that if he is home, things will be less bad. The child feels he can do something to help. The child feels he has to come and check whether everything is still all right, because he once heard his parents arguing that maybe they would go to the rabbinical court. And that is no laughing matter. It happens. But from my experience, I want to say more than that: it starts much earlier. Children want to receive a consistent message

27:56 Speaker 2 from their parents, as much as possible. Let me give you an example. What do you think of a teaching staff and school administration that don’t give their students a consistent message? One teacher says one thing, another says something else. Each one behaves differently and responds differently to the same things. You can see that there is no consistent message, no consistent message. What does that do to the students? It creates chaos and confusion. They don’t know exactly what is expected of them, and they start identifying the weak spots: who is more lenient about this, and who is more lenient about that? They see how, as the slang goes, to work the system. So why would it be any different with a father and mother? I actually maintain that, to a large extent, a home can be run using the same patterns as an institution. First of all, bli ayin hara, most Chabad or Charedi homes have many children. It really is like an institution. We know there are classes with five... five students are enough to make a class. There are classes with more. There are classes where twenty or twenty-one students make up a class. Families are large. So if children see their parents arguing left and right over all sorts of trivial things, without presenting a consistent message, they realize they can run their parents around a little. They can do that. They can, so to speak, pull the wool over their parents’ eyes now and then, mount a campaign, as they say. That is not good. I am absolutely convinced of this. Today I am speaking from experience—forty years of experience in education. There must be a consistent message. There have to be working meetings, just as a school administration or Talmud Torah administration holds a meeting—at least a weekly meeting, or at least one every two weeks, or a monthly meeting. They discuss the students, how to approach things, and policy. Running a home cannot be any different. A home needs to be managed. The father and mother need to

30:20 Speaker 2 talk to each other, to communicate with each other. And they need to communicate openly and effectively, just as they would in a working meeting. The children should not hear the arguments. It can actually be very nice for the children to know that their parents are having a meeting, that they are sitting down to discuss things. Sometimes it is a meeting about finances; sometimes it is about how the home is run. That is perfectly fine—but not arguments. Don’t argue in front of the children. If you want children who are emotionally healthy, who won’t develop anxieties that one parent might leave the home, G-d forbid, or simply feel unsettled by the tension at home, and so on, don’t argue in front of them. Don’t do it even over things that seem trivial to you. To young children, they aren’t trivial. If their father raises his voice, there is already tension in the home. If their mother raises her voice because she thinks differently, it shakes these tender souls. We must not shake these tender souls. Keep every argument out of the children’s sight, just as in a school we would keep any disagreement among teachers and administrators out of the students’ sight, for obvious reasons. That is the right thing to do. In short, shalom bayis affects education, for better or worse. Good shalom bayis has a positive effect on education. Poor shalom bayis causes harm, with effects that last many years. Those effects can remain even after a boy or girl grows up, marries and establishes a home. They may carry trauma that they will need to address. So everyone should make a great effort to have genuine shalom bayis, and the main way to achieve it is simply to talk. Once or twice a week, go out for an hour or two to talk. Talk, and each time work on one more thing. See what you have managed to improve and what you haven’t yet. That is how, with Hashem’s help, you will build a faithful home. A child’s rebellion does not necessarily happen at one particular age. Many parents ask about a child who rebels in kindergarten.

32:59 Speaker 2 That’s not good. How does the saying go? When children are small, the troubles are small; when children grow, the troubles grow. A child who rebels at any age—in kindergarten, in the lower grades of Talmud Torah, in the middle grades, in seventh or eighth grade, in yeshiva ketanah, in the thick of adolescence, from fourteen to eighteen, and even afterward, even afterward—what do you do with him? First of all, there are things to do and things not to do. What do you do with him? Ahavas Yisroel. Ahavas Yisroel will bring the Redeemer. Your son is this way or that way—it doesn’t matter. He is your son. You love him because he is your son, because he is part of you. You brought him into the world; he is yours. What should you do? First of all, love him. Love him genuinely. Love him because he is your son, and love him because he is a child of Hakadosh Boruch Hu. Love him no less than you love any other Jew. Through Divine Providence, a very difficult challenge has been placed at your doorstep, but it is not an impossible one. So when this child comes home, you must always hug him and love him and pamper him, give him treats or rewards—gifts appropriate to his age. Make sure that at family gatherings he is treated with respect and love; that the Shabbos table is rich in both quantity and quality, with a good atmosphere and special niggunim; and that he feels that genuine warmth, love, acceptance, and a sense of family are found right there, in his own home. Once he has that, the other things will gradually fall into place. But this is the most important thing of all: a completely open channel of love, acceptance, and patience for the child. I can tell you about many cases I witnessed. In a home where a mother welcomed her child, her teenager, whenever he came in during the night, made sure he had something to drink and eat, listened to him, and pretended she had no idea

35:34 Speaker 2 where he had been. Everything was fine; she didn’t pry. Those children—those teenagers—grew up and built wonderful homes. You would hardly believe what they and their parents went through during adolescence, but it was all built on love and devotion, on mesirus nefesh. Those mothers said chapters of Tehillim every day—first, the chapter corresponding to the child’s age. They said more chapters of Tehillim, or a book of Tehillim, or the entire book of Tehillim, or all of Shir Hashirim, all for that child, that teenager. They saw success. They saw success. They saw success. So when we speak about a rebellious child, first of all, we accept him however he is. And regarding the Rebbe’s guidance on this, the Rebbe recommends that if you want to convey a message to him, it should not come from his father or mother, because the child sees his parents as a threat to his independence. Arrange for someone else to speak with him—perhaps a sibling who is not in conflict with him, perhaps friends his own age. Find a way; put in the work. Sometimes you have to be more resourceful, but don’t confront him head-on. Use only pleasant and peaceful ways. I want to move on to another topic, one that has more to do with educational institutions and how we as parents relate to them. In most boys’ schools, after Talmud Torah, after seventh and eighth grade, there is yeshiva ketanah—first, second, and third year—then yeshiva gedolah—first, second, and third year—then kvutzah, followed by a year of shlichus or an additional year in kollel, shlichus in a yeshiva, and so on. What about the girls? Based on my experience and what I have seen, I want to make a recommendation. About a year ago I wrote a public appeal on this subject, and not everyone understood it correctly. I noted there that in yeshivos, when there are younger mashpi’im who better understand what the boys are going through at their age, the boys are more open to listening and more receptive than they may be to an older mashpia, whom they might dismiss as being from the previous generation. So younger mashpi’im help in yeshivos. I maintain that female mashpi’os—not necessarily young ones, though young mashpi’os too—should be brought into girls’ high schools. The appropriate positions should be found so that the girls’ high schools have mashpi’os. Some places already do this. There, the conduct—the connection to a chassidishe way of life, to Chabad, to the Rebbe, and to genuine yiras Shamayim—is much stronger when there are mashpi’os. Something else that helps even more: there is a problem with connecting across generations, and this is where shlichus comes in. Just as all the yeshivos have shluchim, and when they bring in good shluchim and work with them properly—when the administrations work with them properly and the shluchim are truly capable—it transforms the whole yeshiva and strengthens all the boys. They don’t, as the saying goes, get into trouble because they simply have no time. They don’t waste time, because they are entirely immersed in learning in an engaging way and in activities within the yeshiva, with enthusiasm, enjoyment, and pleasure. That is the strength of younger mashpi’im, and especially of young shluchim who are yeshiva students. I therefore strongly recommend doing what some institutions already do: bringing in mashpi’os and bringing in young women as shluchos. Find a way for a student to come to a school for six months or a year together with a group of outstanding, chassidishe, friendly young women on shlichus, who have Ahavas Yisroel. They could save many girls and bring many girls who did not come from Chabad homes closer, helping them truly become part of Chabad. The administrations are doing holy work. But the students still feel that the administration is something elevated, something above them, something official, representing an older generation. The young girls feel it is no longer for them. Therefore

38:25 Speaker 2 They understand more of the way the bochurim think, as bochurim. There is more openness there to listening to a bochur, and the bochur is more receptive than he would be to an older mashpia, whom he might dismiss as being from the previous generation. That is why young mashpi’im help in yeshivos. I maintain that girls’ high schools need mashpios in general—not necessarily young ones, though young mashpios too. We need to find the appropriate positions for them so that the girls have mashpios in their high schools. Some places already do this. There, the girls’ conduct—their connection to Chassidishkeit, to Chabad, to the Rebbe, and their genuine yiras Shamayim—is much stronger when they have mashpios. And something else that helps even more: there is a problem with connecting across generations, and that is where shlichus comes in. Just as every yeshiva has shluchim, and when they bring in good shluchim and work with them properly—when the administrations work with them properly and the shluchim are truly capable—it transforms the whole yeshiva and strengthens all the bochurim. They don’t, as the saying goes, commit transgressions because they simply have no time. They don’t waste time, because all their time is devoted to learning in an engaging way and to activities within the yeshiva, with enjoyment and pleasure. That is the strength of young mashpi’im, and especially of young shluchim who are bochurim. So I strongly recommend doing what some institutions are already doing: bringing in mashpios and bringing in shluchos. Find a way for a student to come to an institution for six months or a year as part of a group of outstanding, chassidishe, friendly young shluchos with Ahavas Yisroel. They could save many girls, and they could bring many girls who did not come from Chabad homes closer and help them truly become Chabad. The administrations are doing holy work. But the students feel that, after all, it is something lofty, something above them, something official, something that represents an earlier generation. They feel it is no longer for young people, and therefore

41:07 Speaker 2 bringing shluchos into the mix would certainly be effective. Here is what happens with many people: we have a problem, and we are angry with a teacher. We think the teacher isn’t doing the job properly. We’re unhappy with the way the principal handled the matter. A certain hostility has already developed, and that is no good, because it is no good for the child. So I say: let’s be sensible. The child will probably be studying here for another few years. Let’s do the right thing: establish proper, respectful communication among the school, the parents, and the child, with a properly arranged meeting. I don’t believe in conversations in the middle of the street, angry phone calls, or WhatsApp messages. None of that accomplishes anything. Do you want to do something serious? Set up a meeting. Make sure that everyone who needs to be there, everyone relevant to that meeting, attends. Raise the issues, hear the responses, find some common ground, and join forces for the child’s benefit. I assume that if you come respectfully, then even if the school made a mistake, at some point it will recognize that. Even if it doesn’t fully recognize it, it will say, “All right, let’s make a fresh start.” The parents will work together with the school; they will see what the parents can do and what the school can do. Then they call the child in and agree with him on what he will do. And they set another meeting for a month or two later. They schedule it in advance, meet again, and see the improvement. Proper communication, in pleasant ways. Parents who think they will achieve something through anger generally find that it doesn’t work. Everyone becomes defensive. That won’t help the child. The same is true from the other direction. If a school—let’s say, though I don’t believe this happens—makes all kinds of decisions about a student without speaking to the parents or sitting down with them, that isn’t wise either. The best thing is to sit

43:30 Speaker 2 together and understand that everyone is part of one whole. There is a triangle: the school, the parents, and the child. That is how we must work, and only that way can it succeed. When it comes to communication, as the Rebbe said in the last sicha we have heard from the Rebbe to date, on Parshas Tetzaveh, when you want to accomplish something worthwhile, the most effective way is through pleasant and peaceful means. The same applies here, whether you are dealing with the institution, the teacher, or anyone else in a position of responsibility: pleasant and peaceful ways. So I say to parents: Is there a problem? Set up a meeting. Make sure, on your part, that whoever needs to attend is there—the relevant people, whether it’s the class teacher or the school counselor, whoever you and the administration think should be involved. And don’t come to fight, G-d forbid. Come to make a fresh start, pleasantly, with a plan—an educational plan. How do we help the child, the teenage boy, or the teenage girl?