How to master our emotions? - Chapter 12 - Part Seven (and last)

00:01 Today we’re finishing, uh, chapter 12, the last section. We’re coming to the very end of chapter 12. The Alter Rebbe speaks about matters between one person and another. Chapter 12, after all, is the chapter about the beinoni. The Alter Rebbe explained exactly what the beinoni’s avodah is, what the beinoni can do and what he cannot do. In other words, what exactly defines a beinoni? How does he manage to take control of his thought, speech, and action—of his body and its limbs—on the one hand? And on the other hand, there are things the beinoni cannot control: the inner faculties that stir after davening in particular. Nevertheless, because the beinoni has the mind’s mastery over the heart, and also has the lingering impression left by his avodah in davening, that gives him the strength to overcome the thoughts that rise from the heart to the mind and not let them rule him. As soon as he notices that these thoughts are surfacing, he pushes them away with both hands. For the beinoni is someone who does not allow himself to be a rasha in practice, even for a single hour. Until now, he was speaking about matters between a person and Hashem—thought, speech, and action between a person and Hashem. Now the Alter Rebbe concludes the subject with matters between one person and another. What is relevant to the beinoni in his dealings with another person? The Alter Rebbe says: “And likewise in matters between one person and another, as soon as some resentment or hatred, G-d forbid, rises from his heart to his mind.” As we said earlier, the beinoni’s heart has not yet been refined, and so he has desires. Those desires rise from the heart to the mind. That is why we said that the first thought does not yet make him a rasha: that first thought is a reflection of the emotions in his heart, which have not yet been refined—particularly after davening. Therefore,

02:13 he may have a thought of desire, a craving, an alien thought, a passing thought about worldly matters—but he pushes it away. The same applies to negative feelings toward another person. As we said, the beinoni has not yet achieved inner refinement; his heart has not yet been refined. So he may also have negative traits, and consequently he may have a negative feeling in his heart, an improper feeling toward someone else. So the Alter Rebbe says: “As soon as some resentment or hatred, G-d forbid, rises from his heart to his mind.” Resentment and hatred are two kinds of hatred. Resentment is a subtler kind: he harbors resentment in his heart, but it is not outright hatred. Hatred is when it takes over your entire being. “Or some jealousy, anger, or grievance.” Jealousy is another negative trait. Or anger, or grievance. The difference between anger and grievance is that anger is in the heart, while grievance is in the mind. Anger means a person feels angry in his heart—he is angry, and that’s it. It has taken hold of his heart. A grievance can be just that someone did something unpleasant to him, and even though he is not yet angry in his heart, in his mind he holds it against him. That is, he thinks negatively: Why did this person do that to me? What does he have against me? In any case, these are various kinds of negative traits a person may have. The Alter Rebbe says: “He does not accept them at all in his mind or will.” This is where the beinoni’s strength comes in—the mind’s mastery over the heart. He does not allow those negative traits to affect his actual conduct. In other words, he does not allow himself to—

04:15 accept it willingly. Uh, “He does not accept them at all in his mind or will.” The moment he feels, the moment he notices that he now has a thought of resentment or hatred, jealousy, anger, or grievance, as soon as he notices it rising in his mind, he immediately turns his attention away from it. That is the first thing: he does not let it take effect by dwelling on those thoughts of resentment, hatred, and anger. Now the Alter Rebbe adds something deeper: “On the contrary, the mind rules and governs the spirit in his heart, making him do the exact opposite.” Not only does he refuse to accept the resentment and hatred; on the contrary, in practice he acts in the opposite way from how he feels. “Making him do the exact opposite”—treating his fellow with kindness, the opposite of how he feels inclined to act. In other words, this reaches actual conduct. We said he is a beinoni, so he cannot now feel the— But he can act differently. Conduct is action. He can act kindly, “treating his fellow with kindness and showing him even greater affection.” Yes, not just kindness: the Alter Rebbe says he shows him even greater affection. We see this in the Shulchan Aruch; there is a halachah about it. It is a verse in the Written Torah: “If you see the donkey of someone who hates you”—uh, if you see the donkey of someone who hates you lying under its load, and so on, you must not leave it there. There Rashi cites the Gemara. In Bava Metzia, the Gemara asks: Who is “someone who hates you”? It says there is such a thing as hatred sanctioned by the Torah. Yes, a person whom one is obligated to hate, as the Alter Rebbe will discuss in chapter 32. He will explain the criteria for hatred sanctioned by the Torah. But in any case, even when the Torah tells you that you are permitted, or obligated, to hate your fellow—when he is your fellow in Torah and mitzvos, yet does not follow them and does not change his ways, and so on—all

06:15 the details that the Alter Rebbe will explain in chapter 32. So regarding someone you hate, what does the Torah say? If you see his donkey, there is a mitzvah to help the person you hate first. That is, if there are two donkeys, one belonging to your friend and one to the person you hate, there is a mitzvah to help the person you hate even before your friend. The person you hate takes precedence. Why? In order to act against your own inclination. That is what the Alter Rebbe is saying here too: “showing him even greater affection.” With this very person toward whom I feel some jealousy, anger, or grievance, I specifically treat him with extra affection. Why does the Alter Rebbe say this? Seemingly, it should be enough that he does not give in to those feelings of jealousy and hatred. Seemingly, it should be enough that he does not get angry with him, does not let angry thoughts enter his mind, and pushes them away. Why must he also act in the opposite way? What is the point? Earlier, in the middle of the chapter, the Alter Rebbe spoke about the mind’s mastery over the heart in general. That was one aspect. We discussed two aspects. One is the mind’s mastery over the heart—control. I decide who is in charge, and I do what I decide I want to think, say, and do. But there is also the person’s ability, particularly in matters of holiness, to go to the opposite extreme—to do the opposite. A person has the ability to turn his heart from the side of kelipah to the side of holiness, through the principle that light has an advantage when it comes from darkness. So here too, the Alter Rebbe says that through the mind’s mastery over the heart, I do not allow thoughts of jealousy and hatred

08:06 and anger to rule me. But there is also the idea of doing the opposite, of turning it toward holiness. Holiness says that we must not only refrain from thinking badly of another person. On the contrary, there is a mitzvah to help the person you hate: the very person who bothers you, with whom you have a problem—that is the person you should treat with kindness and show even greater affection. The Alter Rebbe spells it out: “To bear with him to the utmost limit.” This person who bothers you may actually cause you suffering. “To bear with him to the utmost limit,” and he continues: “And not to become angry, G-d forbid.” Even though I suffer because of this person, and he really does bother me, nevertheless I do not get angry with him. “Nor to repay him according to his deeds, G-d forbid.” I do not get angry with him, and I also do not retaliate or pay him back. What is the Alter Rebbe adding? He already said not to get angry with him. What does he add with “nor to repay him according to his deeds, G-d forbid”? The Rebbe explains: Sometimes a person has the trait of anger, and anger is a bad trait. In Hilchos Dei’os, the Rambam rules that one must avoid anger to the utmost extreme. But the Rambam also writes that with all other traits, one can take the middle course—a balanced measure. The Rambam discusses the excess of each trait. So with each trait, one should not go to the opposite extreme. One needs a little of everything: not too generous, not too stingy, not too cheerful, not too sad. The Rambam’s approach is the golden mean, the middle path. That is his approach to how one should serve Hashem. But then there is a chossid who goes beyond the letter of the law, though not to the opposite extreme. There are, however, two traits that the Rambam

09:58 He writes that these character traits must be taken to the opposite extreme. Which two traits? Anger and pride. Regarding anger and pride, the Rambam rules in accordance with the view in the Gemara in Berachos that one must go to the furthest extreme. Here we are talking about anger. So the first thing is not to get angry. Even though I have every reason to be angry with him—he is someone who bothers me, and I suffer because of him—I still control my anger. But the Alter Rebbe says something more. Sometimes I might say, “Fine, I’m not angry, but I still need to do something. This person needs to be put in his place, without anger. He needs to be educated and guided; he needs some kind of consequence so he understands that he did something wrong. I’ll work on my anger and do it calmly, but I’ll repay him according to his actions. His behavior is completely unacceptable. He needs to be put in his place and guided, and I’ll do that by giving him what his actions deserve, without anger.” So the Alter Rebbe says two things: not only does he not get angry at him, he does not even repay him according to his actions, without anger. That is the will of the beinoni, the will of the beinoni: he goes to the opposite extreme. His approach is not merely that he does not let his negative traits control him—anger, pride, jealousy, anger, all the negative traits the Alter Rebbe mentions here. He goes further, to the opposite extreme, to the side of holiness. Not only is he not angry; he does not repay him according to his actions. Rather, says the Alter Rebbe, he does good to those who are guilty. Here we come to the principle the Alter Rebbe states and demands of chassidim—and he demands it of the beinoni—which is

11:49 to do good to those who are guilty. The person really is guilty. He is behaving badly; he deserves a consequence. Nevertheless, not only do I refrain from doing him harm, I do good to those who are guilty. I do a favor for someone who is guilty. It is the complete, complete, complete opposite of human nature. The Alter Rebbe continues: Where do we get this from? As it says in the Zohar, we learn it from Yosef and his brothers. The Zohar discusses this and says that this is what we learn from Yosef and his brothers. Where do we see someone who not only did not get angry at them and did not repay them according to their actions, but actually did good to those who were guilty? Who is the model, the example of this? It is the story of Yosef and his brothers. We all know the story: they sold Yosef and did very painful things to him. All the suffering and anguish of Yosef being away from his father for twenty-two years, and everything else he went through. Nevertheless, as the Torah relates in Parshas Vayigash and Parshas Vayechi, Yosef Hatzaddik not only did not take revenge on his brothers; he invited them to come to him in Egypt and gave them a place in the land of Goshen, the best of the land. He did every good thing for them, the very opposite of how they had treated him. So Yosef is the example, the model, of doing good to those who are guilty. The Alter Rebbe says that this is how people should conduct themselves with one another: do good to those who are guilty. Now, anyone could ask a simple question: Wait, in the story of Yosef, we see that Yosef did do things to them—at first, he caused them distress. At first, Yosef did cause them distress. He spoke harshly to them,

13:44 he told them they were spies. He put them through all sorts of things that caused them distress. So what do you mean, Yosef and his brothers? This is explained in Chassidus; the Tzemach Tzedek explains it. The Rebbe also cites it in a maamar on Kedoshim, the maamar for Pesach Sheini in Sefer Hamaamarim Melukat. There is a maamar there in which the Rebbe explains the whole matter of Yosef and his brothers at length. The Rebbe quotes the Tzemach Tzedek’s wording and explains at length that this, too, was part of the good Yosef did for them. The whole episode in which Yosef caused his brothers distress at first was not because, G-d forbid, he wanted revenge. It was because Yosef wanted to awaken thoughts of teshuvah in them. He wanted to bring that about, and he did. When Yosef told them, “You are spies,” what did that accomplish? They immediately said—what did they say? “We are guilty.” And Reuven said to them, “Yes, why did you sell the child?” They still did not know it was Yosef. In other words, this, too, was part of the good Yosef did: he wanted to awaken thoughts of teshuvah in his brothers so they would correct their ways. And afterward, when he took the silver goblet and put it in Binyamin’s sack, that was truly measure for measure. Their sin was that they had caused one of their brothers, Yosef, distress. Now they all stood together for Binyamin and said, “We will become slaves; we will not let Binyamin remain here. We are all going to Egypt; we are going back.” So they did the opposite of what they had previously done to Yosef. In this way, they made amends. Yes, teshuvah corresponding to the sin meant going from one extreme to the other. They went to the opposite extreme. All of this, then, was part of Yosef doing good to those who were guilty:

15:32 Yosef helped them correct what they had done. As it says later in the Chumash, after he revealed himself to them, he gave them room to live and all the abundance he provided for them. So we learn this from Yosef. Good. That is what the Alter Rebbe says. And here a simple question arises: Why does the Alter Rebbe bring this up? What is gained here by adding that we learn it from Yosef and his brothers? Granted, it is a fine example, but what does it have to do with Tanya? It belongs in Chumash or Midrash. Why is it relevant in Tanya to know that Yosef and his brothers are the example of this? What does it add to the explanation in Tanya? Not only does it seem not to add anything; at first glance, it raises a difficulty. Yosef was a tzaddik. He is called Yosef Hatzaddik, whereas the Alter Rebbe is speaking to the beinoni. So why take Yosef Hatzaddik as the model for how a beinoni should behave? I’m not a tzaddik. I’m an ordinary person trying to be a beinoni. And the Alter Rebbe demands of every Jew that he conduct himself by doing good to those who are guilty. Then he says: like Yosef. There is a chassidic saying—Reb Mani Sanmov [?] would say this, as I heard it: “Learn from Yosef and his brothers.” It does not say, “Be like Yosef with his brothers.” You do not have to be on Yosef’s level. You have to learn from Yosef—that is, learn from his conduct in practice. For Yosef, it came from truly feeling the inner meaning of the matter. We do not feel that inner meaning, but we can still learn how to behave. The Rebbe gives a delightful explanation. The Rebbe says that the reason the Alter Rebbe says to “learn from Yosef and his brothers” is not merely to bring an example, but also to give an explanation. There is an explanation here. Because, at first glance, why should I treat someone who does me harm

17:31 well? Why do good to those who are guilty? I understand that I must not—I am not allowed to get angry or hold a grudge, because anger is a bad trait. I understand that. But to say that I must still treat him with exceptional affection, go to the furthest extreme, bear it and do him a favor—why? Why? Why? Do good to those who are guilty? Why should I do good to someone who does me harm? The explanation lies in what we see with Yosef. When the brothers realized he was Yosef and began to feel ashamed, and everything that happened there, and they began to cry, as the verses relate, Yosef told them: “You intended evil against me, but G-d intended it for good.” In other words, Yosef explained to them that there are really two intentions here. You did something bad, and you may also have intended harm, so you need to do teshuvah; that is your responsibility. But how should I look at it? G-d intended it for good. There is a Divine purpose here. Hashem brought about this entire sequence—Yosef being sent there and sold into Egypt—so that it could later serve to keep many people alive. So from the perspective of the Divine intention, there was a good purpose here, as the Alter Rebbe explains later in Igeres Hakodesh. Why are you not allowed to get angry? Why is anyone who gets angry considered as though he were worshiping idols? There is the well-known letter in chapter 25 of Igeres Hakodesh. Why is anyone who gets angry considered as though he were worshiping idols? What does the Alter Rebbe explain? Because if you get angry, it means you do not understand that there is a mission here from Hashem. In other words, there are two sides here: the person who causes harm and the person who is harmed. The person who causes harm must do teshuvah. Why? Because he had free choice. If he chose to strike someone, or cause damage, or take money, or

19:24 If someone causes harm, he has done something wrong. The person who caused the harm needs to do teshuvah. Yes, that’s from his perspective. But from the perspective of the person harmed, it was decreed from Heaven. What, wasn’t it a person who did it? The person harmed was meant to suffer that harm. As King David said, “Hashem told him to curse.” It came from Heaven. True, that person did it. He was the agent, but he had a choice. He didn’t have to be the agent. He could have said, “I don’t want to be the agent,” and chosen to do good. So if you look at it from the perspective of the person who caused the harm, he needs to do teshuvah for his wrongful choice to cause it. That’s his perspective. But what should the person harmed see here? That it came from Heaven. And if it came from Heaven, he should accept it with love and not get angry. If he gets angry, it’s because he doesn’t believe that Hakadosh Boruch Hu runs the world. That’s why anyone who gets angry is considered as though he worships idols. The Alter Rebbe says this in Igeres Hakodesh. The Alter Rebbe says something along the same lines here as well. According to this, when the Alter Rebbe concludes the chapter by saying, as it says in the Zohar, that we should learn from Yosef and his brothers, it isn’t just an example. It explains why we should repay those who have wronged us with kindness. We learn this from Yosef and his brothers. Yosef explained his reasoning to his brothers: Since G-d intended it for good, not only am I not going to take revenge or punish you; on the contrary, I’m going to do good for you, because I see the Divine intent in it. The Divine intent is for good. And that’s how every Jew should think whenever anything happens to him, whether it comes from Heaven or through other people: it’s all a matter of atonement for

21:08 sins. It’s all for the good. This too is for the good. Everything the Merciful One does is for the good. Not only things that come directly from Heaven, but also things that come through other people. And therefore, we should repay those who have wronged us with kindness. So this part of Tanya, these lines, are very, very important for every one of us. Our relationships with other people are something each of us always needs to improve—to work on Ahavas Yisroel and good character traits. I remember when I was a child in cheder, we learned Tanya in the preparatory class, before bar mitzvah. Our teacher began learning Tanya with us, and I remember that when we learned chapter 12, he made a kind of campaign out of it. Today we’d call it a campaign. He had all the students in the class learn these lines by heart, and we made a point of reviewing them every single day, to internalize them. To engrave them in ourselves. To make them part of the way we think. To learn these lines again and again and again, so we could work on our character traits. When a boy gets into the habit of reviewing the Alter Rebbe’s words here every day, and thinking about them again and again, it gives him the strength to overcome those feelings. The Alter Rebbe doesn’t demand that we be tzaddikim, but he does demand that we control our emotions. Even when I have every reason to be angry or to bear a grudge—to feel hatred, anger, resentment, and so on—I need to overcome it. First, not to let those feelings enter my thoughts in practice; and second, on the contrary, as he says here, to repay those who have wronged us with kindness. That’s what we learn from Yosef and his brothers.