A lecture for women on education and shalom bayis

00:03 Speaker 1 That gives him a good feeling. You can’t stand at the door and wave, because everyone can see and it embarrasses you. But a word like that in the stairwell, before anyone else can hear—you’ve won your husband over for another two or three hours, if not more. He goes off feeling that your words are with him. That feeling of words that build someone up begins the moment a husband comes home. And as we said, one of the things you simply need to do is say hello and ask how he is. Don’t tell him how you are. Ask how he is. Let your husband ask you how your day went. Don’t worry, he’ll ask. And if he doesn’t, bring it up very gently and with interest. Don’t pounce on him. Don’t tell him twenty-five stories at once. Now, in many homes, lots of people come in—including your mother-in-law or your mother or another relative—and it’s hard for the two of you to talk alone. Or there are older girls and boys, and that too makes it hard just to sit together and talk. There’s a very nice, simple thing to do: make an appointment. Make an appointment with your husband. “Tonight at eleven, we’re meeting.” And then you meet, whether you’re tired or not. Because we know one thing about a happy marriage—I actually copied this from an English philosopher—he says that a happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short. We see that often a woman can’t reach what you might call an understanding with her husband simply because they don’t talk. A woman always expects her husband to be a prophet. What do I mean? A husband comes home and his wife says, “Tell me, you didn’t bring milk?” How was he supposed to know? Did you tell him? No, you didn’t. “But you passed by...” But did you tell him? What does “you passed by” mean? Is he a prophet?

02:32 Speaker 1 And there we are, expecting him to be a prophet. “But you passed by the kindergarten. Why didn’t you pick up our daughter?” Do you want something from your husband? Speak up. Don’t just expect it—speak up and ask. And when you ask, I can’t imagine you won’t get it. I believe most arguments begin when you want things that were never said at all, that the two of you never agreed on. Then, of course, an argument starts over nothing. We build the foundation of home life on the word love. There isn’t a person in the world who doesn’t want love. There’s no such thing. Everyone you meet will tell you they want love. We see what love does. At one hospital, they found that some children looked much better, were gaining weight and were happier than other children. They couldn’t understand what was happening. After all, it was a hospital for children with disabilities, may we be spared, and they didn’t leave the hospital. So what was going on? The same nurses, the same food. What was different? Then they discovered that, in the ward where the children were gaining weight and looking healthy and well, an elderly woman with time on her hands would come in. In addition to the nurses, she would pick up the children and play with them. She didn’t just change their diapers; she played with them. And the children became happier. She gave them her time. We see that giving time in home life is very, very important, and giving time to the part of life between you and your husband is very, very important. This is something I always raise with non-observant people. I always say that in our way of life, even if we didn’t want to talk, we were compelled to talk. We were given two weeks when we were forbidden to one another. Even if we didn’t want to talk, we had to. We had to create love with our eyes and our mouths. So anyone who wants love has to strive for it. We start with one premise: love is giving. It means giving. Hakadosh Boruch Hu

05:02 Speaker 1 created the world so that a man and a woman would need love for the world to endure, just as the body needs hunger in order to survive. A person gets hungry because, if he didn’t, his body couldn’t survive. He gets hungry so that he’ll eat. He gets thirsty so that he’ll drink, and when he eats and drinks, his body survives. He hungers for love, and through that the world endures. How does the world endure? By our expanding His world, may He be blessed. We see that love means giving. Giving and giving and giving and giving and giving, without end. When does love stop? The moment you begin making demands. You wait to receive instead of working on giving. The moment you ask, “What is he doing for me?” There was a couple we once helped with shalom bayis. The four of us sat around one table—my husband and I and the couple—and we had an eye-opening lesson in shalom bayis. She claimed he didn’t help her at all. And he said, “That’s not true.” So we said, let’s hear it. But I asked her specifically, “What does your husband do at all?” “He works.” As though we didn’t know that. We’re good friends. So I ask, “What time does he get up?” “He gets up at five.” “Why does he get up so early?” I ask her. She says, “Well, he needs to study a little before davening, doesn’t he?” I say, “Yes. Wonderful, good for him. He doesn’t take the easy way out.” She goes on. “Of course he has to get up at five; that’s his thing.” Then I ask her, “Did you get up with him? Did you make him a cup of coffee?” She says, “Of course not. I need to sleep so I can get up with the children.” I tell her, “Well, it’s nice of him not to ask that of you.” We go on. “Then he goes to davening at six because he has to finish davening and get to work. He goes to davening and comes back, and when he comes back, he brings bread and milk.” “You don’t say! He stands

07:18 Speaker 1 in the grocery store in the morning, with all the children pushing and shoving? Good for him.” “Well,” she tells me, “I can’t do that; I’m dressing the children.” I tell her, “No, that’s perfectly fine. I didn’t say otherwise. Very good.” “So he brings the milk and bread and helps me finish getting the children ready.” “Good for him. Isn’t he in a hurry to get to work?” “No. Then he eats something and leaves for work. He works [unclear], as we discussed together. And then he comes home after a day’s work. It depends on the day: on several days of the week, he goes to classes to study Torah.” And I say to her, “So, without resting, without sleeping?” “Yes, without resting, without sleeping.” That seemed perfectly all right to her. It didn’t even occur to her that he deserved credit for coming home, washing up and going to study without resting or sleeping. Then the husband comes back from his studies, and now she has a list of instructions waiting on the table: A, B, C, D, E, F. So he does as much as he can. Sometimes—and in most cases—he gets through D, and he’s tired. He’s tired. It really is a mystery why this man is tired. I tell her, “After such an exhausting day, I can’t understand why he’s tired.” And then he goes to sleep. What?

08:35 Speaker 2 Why doesn’t she say anything? Why?

08:36 Speaker 1 Because she’s gone to sleep. She’s tired. She doesn’t have time to wait for him to come back from his class. Do you understand? I understand why they don’t have shalom bayis: because of her, not because of him. She doesn’t wait for him. She doesn’t get up with him, either. She doesn’t see him off or do anything for him. He even makes his own sandwiches, as we’ll hear in a moment. Then, on Friday, he goes shopping and carries home two rounds of groceries. He buys everything she needs for the week so she won’t have to go to the grocery store at all, and he brings her milk and bread every morning. On the second trip he carries the bottles for Shabbos and all sorts of other things—pickles here, this there, that there. None of it counts. He polishes all the children’s shoes—that’s nothing. He bathes the children—but he doesn’t help her at all. He vacuums and dusts. Her house really is clean. She doesn’t work, because, you see, she has three children, and, thank G-d, she receives [unclear]. So yes, from the afternoon until the evening she’s alone with the children. All right, but what of it? We can’t look only at ourselves. Have you learned to appreciate that he gets up so early? Have you learned to appreciate that he doesn’t ask you to get up and make him coffee in the morning? Have you learned to appreciate that he davens and works, and then studies, and then builds the home—and all the little ways he helps you? That’s really where the argument at home begins. I deliberately went through all these details for you: it begins the moment you start looking at what he does. Don’t look at what he does. Look at what you do, what you do for the home. And I’m sure that if you sit down with that person called your husband, who is your partner and has thoughts of his own, don’t think he doesn’t care. It’s just

10:18 Speaker 1 If it seems to you that there are certain hours when you’re falling apart and he’s home and you need help, talk to him about it. I believe he’ll help. There are different kinds of help: some husbands can do certain things and others can’t. Some husbands won’t wash a single dish their whole lives. What do they care? Piles of dishes in the sink don’t bother them, but they’ll help their wives with the children. Other husbands are willing to wash dishes, just not to help with the children. Fine. Be wise and make use of the help your husband can give, but not by making demands. Ask with understanding, with kind words, calmly, and above all, not in front of other people. When there are guests in the house, don’t give your husband orders. It’s embarrassing. I’m telling you plainly: it’s more embarrassing for the guests than for the husband, and sometimes it’s embarrassing for us to hear. Take him aside and say to him when you’re under pressure, “I have to get everything done. Do me a favor and give me a hand.” There’s something a friend of mine used to say to her husband: “Give me a hand, and I’ll give you one too.” It sounds funny. When would she give him a hand? So she would tell him, “Many times when you go to classes, I could ask you not to go. I could say, ‘But I don’t feel well. Why are you going to a class now? Stay home.’ Instead, I let you go. Take that as my giving you a hand when you’re under pressure.” In other words, we know that life is built on mutual understanding, and that’s where we start. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the book Igeres Hakodesh by the Ramban, and if you aren’t, I recommend it. You don’t recommend it? You have reservations. Oh, I certainly do recommend the book wholeheartedly. And—again, I say that in this book, as in any

12:26 Speaker 1 book that deals mainly with these matters, there are things we don’t quite accept, but there are far more things we do accept, that we do practice and should listen to. Here I’m bringing a passage about “how a woman should speak to her husband”: “A woman should speak to her husband graciously and gently, with gravity, respect, modesty and humility. And when he sets out on a journey, she should let him know that she longs for and awaits the day of his return.” In other words, actually tell your husband, “I miss you.” I know a very wise, remarkable woman personally who walks twenty paces down the street with her husband, runs after him and says, “You’ll come back on time, right? You’ll be home on time, right? You know I’m waiting for you, okay?” It doesn’t matter who’s standing nearby. At first I was a little embarrassed to be there, but then I saw that she really meant it: “You’re sure you’ll come home.” The truth is, her husband was so involved in his service of Hashem that sometimes he didn’t even come home. She wanted to make absolutely sure. But seeing him off with that sense of longing adds so much and gives so much. Just as if your husband stopped you for a few minutes before you went out and asked, “When will you be back?” You might ask, “Why? Do you already need me to help you?” No, don’t ask that. Ask, “Will you miss me?” Just like that. You’ve built another beautiful connection in your life instead of tearing one down. Maybe he does miss you. Maybe that’s what he wants to say, but we’ve put words in his mouth that aren’t his. Do you understand? So she truly “longs for and awaits the day of his return,” and “when he is in town or at home, she should always show him a cheerful face and keep his meal for him.” There’s a Romanian saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It isn’t a Romanian saying; the whole world says it. And it really

14:42 Speaker 1 is true. A husband should have his food, the food he likes, and you shouldn’t start putting him on a diet. If you want him to go on a diet, let him ask for it himself. Help him become aware of it so that he asks you. I know a couple of baalei teshuvah who got married. I couldn’t make it to the wedding, so I came to one of the sheva brachos. When I met the bride, who was a friend of mine, I said, “So, how are things? How are you managing in the kitchen?” I saw her face go pale, and she seemed a little angry with me. I thought, perhaps she doesn’t understand what I mean. So I said warmly, “Do you need recipes? And if recipes aren’t enough, I’m willing to come and show you how to cook.” After I left, she said to the hostess, “How far that Rachel Bolton has fallen! What happened to her, talking to me about food?” I’m not boasting, chas v’shalom. Sadly, they got divorced. Rachel Bolton hadn’t fallen at all. I simply knew something every woman needs after getting married: practical advice on how to run a home. And I knew that, as a baalas teshuvah, she wouldn’t take advice from her mother because she thought her mother wasn’t religious enough. So sometimes it’s hard to get advice even about that. I had offered her very, very good advice, since we lived nearby: come, I’ll help you. What do you have to lose? So what actually happened after the wedding? She decided he would be spiritual; she turned him into an angel. She decided he didn’t need to eat more than one meal a day. And gefilte fish? Unthinkable—such unheard-of indulgence. She decided what they would eat at home, how much they would eat and how they would eat, with all sorts of self-denial, until it simply, it,

16:42 Speaker 1 it spread into all kinds of areas, until he simply couldn’t live with it. “She should make him the delicacies he loves and set aside her wishes in favor of his.” You should know that setting aside your wishes for someone else’s doesn’t mean you have to be a fool. It takes wisdom. After all, when you argue with a foolish person, he’ll never agree with you. But when you argue with a wise person, the moment will come when he says, “Why not?” and agrees. That means you’re a wise person. If you set aside your wishes, you aren’t a fool. Don’t worry about your standing; it won’t be diminished. We learn that the verse says of a woman, “Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine.” Why is a woman compared to a vine? Why not to an almond tree? “Your wife shall be like a blossoming almond tree.” An almond tree is beautiful and upright, with a pleasant fragrance and tasty fruit. The answer given is: “The vine is the one tree that spreads low; it begins by spreading low and ends as wine on the tables of kings.” So too, a woman begins by yielding and ends as her husband’s crown. We learn that although at first a woman may lower herself and yield, she reaches a point where she becomes her husband’s crown. When a woman gives her husband the respect he deserves, she doesn’t lose any of her own dignity. On the contrary, she builds it. His honor is her honor. “When he is angry, calm him; when he is troubled, cheer him.” In other words, you see that your husband is sad or angry. Don’t start getting upset yourself. Later you may say, “But you came home looking angry.” Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But when you notice it, put your work aside. Don’t do it so dramatically that he suddenly feels you’re going to be his psychologist. But respond somehow, call him over

19:20 Speaker 1 Take him into a side room and say, “From the way you came in today, I can see you’re very upset. What happened? Did something happen?” At first he may tell you, “Nothing happened. Leave me alone.” And that’s very natural. Sometimes, when you’re upset, you also ask to be left alone. Find something—and every woman knows how to find something—to make him feel cared for, even if it’s a food he likes. Maybe, I don’t know, a milkshake on a hot summer day, or a cup of coffee in winter. I don’t know. Do you understand me? Every woman knows what her husband would really like. A wife knows him. We say that the best doctor for children is their mother. I believe the best psychologist for a husband is his wife. Find a way to calm him down in a practical way, and then try again to start a conversation, to work through the problem and see what happened. Why is he sad? Why is he upset? What is he angry about? Who made him angry? One thing you need to know is that you have to be careful, because when your husband is angry with someone, you might be tempted to gossip or speak lashon hara. You might say, “Yes, I know him—he’s such an idiot.” Don’t call that person an idiot just to make your husband look wise. Instead say, “After all, a person doesn’t even lift a finger unless it is decreed from Above, and who knows? It’s good that it happened this way. It could have been otherwise. Hashem will help. A descent is for the sake of an ascent.” We have so many concepts in Judaism. A wife should encourage her husband. We’re not so helpless. And “in a time of trouble, she comforts him”; even if she has some worry in her heart, she conceals it so as not to sadden him. The Ben Ish Chai writes a great deal about this in the laws concerning women: women should not show their sadness to their husbands. They can share it with them; they can talk to them. He is certainly

21:09 Speaker 1 their partner in life. There’s no need to keep everything secret, but the question is how you do it, and in what manner. “She always makes herself attractive for him with modesty and grace, and her clothes should always be clean. She should honor his father and family, even if they are difficult.” Of course, some of the women sitting here are baalos teshuvah, and I know that it can often be very hard to honor a father-in-law who observes nothing and practices nothing, and perhaps even mocks you. The problem isn’t that he isn’t observant; perhaps he mocks us. He comes to our home and starts up: “What are you doing this time, giving the child peyos? What’s happened to you? Have you gone crazy?” All sorts of things. Then it becomes terribly hard for us to honor him. To what extent are we commanded to honor him? You should know that the way you honor your husband, your father-in-law and your mother-in-law is how your husband comes to value you. “She should be happy with his gift and show him—she should be happy with his gift and show him—that she considers it a generous gift, even if it is small. She should always be modest and remain within her home, and not go out to the marketplace except for a pressing need.” You have it easy. Yes, you don’t have a marketplace. We have Rabbi Akiva Street. That’s one big marketplace.

22:21 Speaker 3 We do too. We have something else too.

22:26 Speaker 1 No, I mean that she shouldn’t walk up and down the street just to stroll around. Of course a person needs to go to the market to shop—“except for a pressing need and the essential needs of her household. She should not talk excessively with her neighbors or enter their homes except for a pressing need. She should be good to her neighbors, lending them things and lending them money. And she should not tell anyone in the world about matters between her and her husband.” We said that the art of speaking is very important in married life: how to speak to your husband, what to say to him—but only to your husband. Never tell the neighbor. And I say this knowing that there are surely mothers and daughters here. Don’t be angry with me, but don’t tell your mother too much either, or your sisters. Keep what happens between you private. If you need to bring in a third person, let it be someone who knows neither of you. Because sometimes, in the middle of a fight, people are even ready to give and accept a get. Afterward, when they make peace, the people who heard everything about the fight don’t forget. The people who were in the fight do forget. So don’t involve a third person who knows you. Leave them out of it. I have a good friend who told me so much about her husband when she wanted to get divorced that I couldn’t imagine there could be such a husband. They’re still married. I was shocked, and I—I lost all respect for him. It was as though I didn’t know the man. He seemed like a despicable person. Even though, in any dispute, it’s never only one side that’s right. There are always two sides. But she told me things beyond belief, things she had hidden so well for years. Today they’re living together happily, and I can hardly look at him. Never mind, I don’t need to look at him—he’s my friend’s husband. But inwardly, my regard for him will never return to what it was.

24:33 Speaker 1 If I had once held him in high esteem, that makes it all the harder for me. I try to work on it, I work on myself, and I say, “But still, he does this and he does that,” yet it’s hard for me. I don’t see the positive things. What do I know? The bad stories. The Meiri did not say for nothing, “Her husband is known in the gates.” The Meiri asks about this verse: What does “Her husband is known in the gates” mean? After all, this is a song praising the woman: “A woman of valor, who can find?” Why bring the husband into it again? For once we’re talking about the woman—just the woman. So he says: How is the husband known out on the street? That comes from you too. What do the neighbors know about him? What do other people know? It comes from you. So one thing you should always try to do is not to have an argument or a fight loudly, in the stairwell, or anywhere people can hear. If the living room is next to, I don’t know, the guest room or the stairwell, go into the inner rooms. If the inner rooms share a wall with the neighbors, don’t fight at all. That’s what I say. But in principle, try to handle it in a way that things won’t be heard outside, because people form impressions. In fact, with that couple I worked with, she knew how to stoke the fire in complete silence, while he couldn’t control his temper. So people would always say, “What an abusive husband she has.” She knew how to make her cutting remarks quietly, and he would erupt. So what did people on the street know? That she had an abusive husband and she was an angel. We can even learn something from the wrong thing she did. Let’s learn the good lesson: quiet always leaves a better impression. There are, uh, several suggestions in Be’alufeinu Mesubalim for how not to get angry during a fight or disagreement. One of them is

26:28 Speaker 1 simply to go into another room or leave the house. “You mean I should be the one outside?” you’re saying? No, Hashem will help. Hashem will help. Ah—bursting out laughing. It’s well known that the gates of prayer and the gates of tears are never closed. You know, one reason a husband is commanded to honor his wife is that she is easily hurt, and because she is easily hurt, her tears come readily. She can cry quickly. And because the gates of tears are never closed, he must be careful not to hurt his wife and make her cry. So I always tell myself, as a kind of wonder cure: you should know that someone who cries for no reason will end up crying for a real reason. So at least try not to cry for no reason. But if you need to cry, then cry somewhere else. Cry to Hakadosh Boruch Hu. There is nothing that cannot be accomplished through prayer. We... I’m continuing—I’m s-s-skipping a passage and continuing in the same section. “She should be careful to pray morning, afternoon and evening, and at the end of her prayers she should direct her heart in supplication before Hakadosh Boruch Hu for her sons and daughters, that they be G-d-fearing and engaged in Torah and mitzvos. For a woman’s merit in the World to Come is that her children serve Hashem and do His will. And when she has gone to her eternal home, if her children are engaged in Torah and mitzvos, it will be considered as though she is alive and performing all the mitzvos, and she will have a worthy standing in the World to Come. She should pray every day for her husband to succeed in his work and give tzedakah from the work of her hands. And when giving tzedakah, she should pray to Hashem with clean hands that her children be G-d-fearing and successful in Torah and mitzvos, because a person’s prayer is heard at the time they perform a mitzvah, and likewise when lighting the candles.” I once visited a Chabad family in Jerusalem, and they lit the candles. At the time I was still completely secular. But there I was, watching her stand there and begin to cry. I thought, who knows what happened to her? I left the room, and suddenly I saw

29:19 Speaker 1 Her daughter came in—she’s married too, with about four boys—and she started crying as well. I thought, What tragedy are they hiding from me? Who knows who’s sick, who knows what happened? And I was already thinking, I wish I hadn’t come. What nonsense am I doing? I invited myself over—what chutzpah. Too bad Shabbos has already begun; I’d go straight back home. Why should I be somewhere so sad? I didn’t know what to do. I was outside waiting, and they kept crying and crying and crying. Only the younger sister was there. Well, “younger”—she was sixteen. I called her over and said, “Tell me, what’s going on? What happened in your house? Was there a tragedy? Is someone sick or something?” She said, “No. Why? What happened? What did you see?” She hadn’t even noticed. So I said, “But look at your mother and sister—they’re crying.” “Oh,” she said, “that’s every Friday evening.” I asked her, “What are they crying about?” She said, “The children.” I didn’t understand at all. I said, “But you said no one was sick.” She said, “You think people only cry when someone’s sick? They cry when they want Hashem to help the children grow up as they should.” Her mother did realize that I was asking questions and felt embarrassed, and she finished very quickly. It was over very quickly. I’d been wandering around for about ten minutes, not knowing what to do. She finished, as I said, very quickly, but she told me that she doesn’t stop until she feels she’s about to burst from crying. She was told that this is an auspicious time for prayer, so she makes use of that time. And really, that’s one of the things we can do: simply pray in practice. And... excuse me. They’re asking what to do if you have ten children. She really does have a lot of children. Maybe that’s why

31:00 Speaker 1 it takes so long. In any case, we know that with the very same mouth that can, G-d forbid, say so much foolishness, destroy people and destroy a world, and G-d forbid even disrupt shalom bayis, we can ask for shalom bayis. There’s no shame in it. On the contrary: “Let your mouth ask for shalom bayis day and night.” And if a person wants to know what shalom bayis is, it isn’t just some everyday expression. Yes, we say “shalom bayis” so easily—it slips out of one sleeve and into the other. But there’s only one condition for shalom bayis that we know of.