Rabbi Peretz Chen | My child won't listen! What can be done?

00:01 Hello. Sometimes our child doesn’t want to daven, or is in a relationship that’s forbidden, or does things that really upset us. We think, “What? That’s what he’s doing? Has it gone that far? What’s going on?” This usually comes up especially with older teenagers, when the issues are very significant and involve serious things in life. The moment a conversation with them turns to those points, the conversation is over. There’s no one to talk to. So what can we do? I want to begin with a story my brother-in-law told me yesterday, which will introduce the point we’ll discuss in this class. My brother-in-law is a shliach in Hamburg, Germany. He told me about a Jewish young man who joined their community a few years ago. He was in a relationship with a woman—a non-Jewish woman from Iran, no less. His family was very, very upset about the relationship and cut off contact with him. He lived and worked in Germany, connected with the Jewish community, and began coming to classes and events. He even brought her to a gathering once, until she herself said she felt it wasn’t her place. And little by little, he began to come closer. My brother-in-law says they knew about his situation and his relationship with that non-Jewish woman, but they didn’t want to talk to him about it, because they understood how sensitive it was. They spoke with him about many other things, drew him close, embraced him, helped him, and encouraged his progress. Even when they were on the verge of bringing it up, they stopped themselves. If he didn’t raise it, they wouldn’t discuss it. This went on for a long time, while he was still in a relationship with her and she was still his girlfriend,

02:11 but they gave him Yiddishkeit. They talked with him about this and that and strengthened him in many other areas, without touching that sensitive point. Eventually, some time ago, he came to the conclusion that the relationship really wasn’t right. He understood that it couldn’t work: he was Jewish and she wasn’t. Baruch Hashem, he ended the relationship. In other words, sometimes there’s a point we don’t talk about, because whenever it comes up, things get complicated. Everyone becomes uncomfortable, voices rise, and nothing good comes of it. So we need to talk about many other things—not that—but the message still gets through. The message gets through: “We care about you. You matter to us.” After all, they know that what they’re doing isn’t right. It’s hard for them. What can you do? There are temptations, there are urges, there are all sorts of things that make it difficult and complicate the way we normally behave. But that message eventually gets through. Sometimes, saying nothing about that particular point is what conveys it. It isn’t always the words we say; it’s the message we send, the waves that pass from one person to another. The receiver in the person who needs to hear it opens up, and the message comes in. Because again, often it isn’t the words. It goes beyond words. It’s the message we convey through the way we conduct ourselves, and how that carries things forward. I’d even like to give an example from the weekly parsha, Parshas Balak. There’s a very interesting point about Balak—Bilaam, sorry, Bilaam, that prophet of the nations—and Amalek. If we take the two names, write “Bilaam” on top and “Amalek” underneath,

04:22 “Bilaam” has four letters on top, with “Amalek” beneath it. Now, interestingly, if we read the first two letters of the top word, “Bilaam,” what do we get? Beis and lamed. Then, if we read the first two letters of “Amalek” immediately below them, ayin and mem, we get “Bilaam” again. And if we take the last two letters of “Bilaam,” ayin and mem, and the last two letters of “Amalek” below, lamed and kuf, we get “Amalek.” So there’s a special connection between Bilaam and Amalek: their names can also be read by joining them together. The same is true of the words yirah and ahavah—fear and love. If we write the four letters of yirah on top and the four letters of ahavah beneath them, then read the first two letters of yirah, yud and reish, followed by the first two letters of ahavah, alef and hei, we get yirah. And if we read the last two letters of the top row, alef and hei, followed by the last two letters of ahavah, we get ahavah. In other words, there’s a special connection between fear and love as well. What does all this tell us? One remarkable explanation is that Bilaam and Amalek have something in common: both ultimately come from roots connected to the Jewish people. Amalek comes from Eisav, who was part of Avraham and Yitzchak’s family. Bilaam, too, had roots connected to the Jewish people. Bilaam is connected to Lavan, and Lavan was part of Avraham Avinu’s family. So each of them comes along and boasts: “Listen to me. I have something to say. I have strong roots, roots connected to the Jewish people.” They have opinions to offer. “I have roots among the Jewish people.” So we’re told: know that we don’t have to listen to everyone who boasts of a connection.

06:41 Who should we listen to? What kind of person should we listen to? That brings us to the connected words yirah and ahavah, with yirah above ahavah. Someone who has yiras Shamayim, fear of Hashem, and whose conduct shows it—someone who behaves properly, with yiras Shamayim—that is a person we can and should listen to, because the message he conveys is entirely different. Bilaam and Amalek may have said lovely, appealing things, but the message they conveyed was the negative message of Bilaam and Amalek, and we should not listen to them. But when a genuine person comes along, someone with yiras Shamayim who lives according to halachah, who has bittul before Hakadosh Boruch Hu, and who clearly takes both the light and the weighty mitzvos seriously—when someone like that speaks, we should listen. The message carried within his words, behind them and beyond them, is a good message, a right message, one that can only help people move forward. In other words, it isn’t only what is said. It also matters who says it and how they say it, and that carries through. It matters very much whom we take things from. That’s why—by the way, this isn’t our subject right now, but I’m mentioning it because it’s closely connected—why is it important to listen to music from Jewish sources? Even a non-Jewish singer, or a singer who doesn’t live according to Judaism, may sing beautiful, positive words. But it isn’t just what he says. It’s what’s behind the words, the message. How does that person live? That affects his words. It comes through and enters us; it penetrates us. So too with those points we find hard to bring up with our children because they don’t want to listen. We won’t talk about them,

08:40 We’ll talk about other things, but the messages get through. We need to do it with faith in them, a genuine desire to help them, and real concern for them, even while we talk about other things. Slowly, like with that German man—that, sorry, not German, that Jewish man from Germany who had a relationship with a non-Jewish woman from Iran—in the end, the messages got through, and that brought about a change. I want to finish with a story about a Jewish man who was president of Bar-Ilan University. His name was Rabbi Shlomo Eckstein, a Jew who did many things. He related that when he was young, he was in charge of Bnei Akiva in Mexico, and one day they traveled to New York. A group of youth leaders went into yechidus with the Lubavitcher Rebbe. There, he says, they asked the Rebbe: Sometimes they have teenagers whom they work hard to help, but those teenagers drift away and perhaps later even assimilate. So what is the point of investing so much when it doesn’t always work out? The Rebbe gave them an amazing answer. The Rebbe answered: It says, “Those who sow in tears will reap with joy.” When you invest, when you sow, eventually you reap. The harvest doesn’t always come right away. Sometimes it takes a long time. It’s a process, but eventually there is a harvest. Then the Rebbe gave them an example. He said: You might be giving a class or a talk to your teenagers, and suddenly a boy you’ve never seen before comes in. He listens and hears about Avraham Avinu and our holy forefathers. You really want to speak with him, but you don’t want to interrupt the class. You tell yourself, “I’ll catch him for a conversation after the class and find out who he is.” But before the class, that talk, ends, the boy has already left. So you never get to speak with him, and you don’t even know

10:41 who he is. You might feel, “What a shame, a missed opportunity.” But, the Rebbe says, perhaps some time will pass, and he’ll grow up and become involved with a non-Jewish woman whom he wants to marry. Her parents will say they’re willing to have a Catholic wedding in a church, with a priest, G-d forbid, and all of that. He’ll agree. Then, on his way to the wedding, he’ll suddenly see that church with its Christian symbol, and he’ll remember. He’ll remember that he once heard that he belongs to something else entirely—that his forefathers are Avraham Avinu, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. He’ll remember all of it. He won’t even remember who told him. He’ll say to himself, “No, no, I can’t cut myself off.” He’ll understand: This would mean cutting myself off. I can’t cut myself off from that. And he’ll go to the young woman and her family and say, “I’m terribly sorry. I’m something else. I’m a Jew.” And why did all this happen? Because you spoke, because you said something, because it gets through. It gets through. The messages sink in. In other words, we need to sow. We need to sow the things we can talk about. They’re not ready to hear something? Then we won’t talk about that. They’re not ready to hear it, but we’ll sow what we can. We’ll talk and persuade, and of course we’ll set an example and make it part of the atmosphere around them. Then, in the end, with Hashem’s help and a great deal of assistance from Heaven, we’ll see that even the things they didn’t want to hear about somehow sink in and take hold. Dear friends, much success to you. May you have much nachas from your children, and may there be only good. You see, this class is being filmed in the car because it’s vacation now. The children are home. It’s a little challenging to film at home in peace and quiet right now, so I’m doing it in the car. That’s how it goes—you find solutions for whatever comes up, thank G-d. If only these were our worries, our problems. If only. May we hear good news, and I’d be glad

12:42 if you shared this class, of course. Give it a like and leave a comment. That’s what helps the class reach more people, and I think it would be good for it to reach more and more people. It can only help more and more parents. Blessings and success to you. May we hear good news. May all the hostages return. With Hashem’s help, may all the soldiers come home healthy and safe, may the sick recover, and may there be only good and blessing for the Jewish people. May we merit the Geulah and the coming of Moshiach. Dear friends, thank you very much. Good news, all the best, goodbye.