Rabbi Peretz Chen | How do we disconnect our children from unsuitable friends?

00:00 Hello and blessings. Last night, a father came up to me and said he had a question. What was his question? His daughter takes part in an extracurricular activity—a really worthwhile one that helps children develop. Of course, parents would rather their children attend activities than waste time in front of screens. But what bothers him is that some of the girls in this activity don’t come from religious homes, as his daughter does. The girls have a WhatsApp group, and they send videos and other content there that aren’t always so appropriate. He asked what to do. He told me, “If it were up to me, I’d go right now and take her out of that group in one stroke. She might be angry and disappointed, but I’d just do it. On the other hand, I know that’s not the way to handle it. If I do that, she’ll be frustrated, and I don’t know where that will lead.” So he came to ask for advice. This really is a very big question that many, many of us face. Our children have friends whom we don’t feel are right for them. No, I don’t want him to be friends with my son, or her to be friends with my daughter. It doesn’t feel right to me. Is there anything we can do about it at all? If so, what can we do? The truth is, it’s a difficult question, because the way the world works today is nothing like the way it used to work, and that directly affects these things too. In the past, there was a lot of anarchy in the world, and a lot of dictatorship. People knew there was a ruler; he gave orders and everyone went along with him. That was how it was. People knew not to challenge the ruler. This affected individual homes too: children at home knew, not so many

02:05 years ago, that when Dad or Mom said something, it was sacred. No discussion, no argument. You don’t like it? Deal with it. Have a glass of water. That was the reality. But the world has changed. Today, there’s a constant push toward democracy, toward everyone speaking up and expressing an opinion. That has a direct effect on homes too. Suddenly, the children have something to say. Dad says one thing, Mom says another, but they think differently, and they don’t fully listen to what their parents say. The truth is, this is something we find very, very frustrating, because it wasn’t so many years ago. Anyone who isn’t very old—even the younger ones among us—remembers what education used to be like, both in the classroom and at home. Today it has changed enormously. The Gemara already says that before Moshiach comes, chutzpah will increase and children will suddenly dare to speak up. In other words, the Torah foresaw these situations. But what do we do? Bottom line, what can we actually do to deal with situations like these? Is it even possible? What do we do with all this? There are two things I want to talk about that can help us do something even in situations like these. The first is always true, always good, and always essential. It’s what we might call the spiritual action here: we simply have to say Tehillim. Say Tehillim for our children. It’s essential. It’s a must. It has to happen. There’s the daily Tehillim, the Tehillim according to the day, and according to each person’s age. We’ve probably spoken about this several times already: each person has a personal chapter of Tehillim corresponding to their age. Someone who is twenty

04:22 says chapter 21; someone who is ten says chapter 11. As parents, we must say our children’s personal chapters. If I have four children, I add four chapters of Tehillim each day, according to their ages. If I have six children, I add six chapters. It takes time. So what? Is there anything more important than educating our children? And I would say that beyond their personal chapters corresponding to their ages—which are essential; parents cannot give that up, not for a single day—we should add a few more chapters of Tehillim, regardless of their ages. Simply open a Tehillim every day, when you get up in the morning or during the day, say a few chapters, and ask: Master of the Universe, help my children to be G-d-fearing. Help them grow up properly, and help us educate them as we should. Ask for it. Cry out for it. Say it: I am saying Tehillim for my children. Tehillim has tremendous power, power that pierces all the heavens. Tehillim reaches directly beneath the Throne of Glory. These words of Tehillim have extraordinary power. Anyone who reads them—I could tell stories about this, but we’ll leave that for another opportunity, with Hashem’s help. Tehillim is powerful. We must say Tehillim for the sake of our children’s education. So that is the spiritual action. It applies to this question of unsuitable friends—what do we do?—and it applies to educating children in general. But the other thing that can help in situations like these requires preparation in advance. That preparation is to build closeness with our children. When we have a close relationship with them, it will be much easier and more natural for them to feel comfortable and want to listen to our requests, to listen to the important things we ask

06:42 of them. Simply build a close relationship with them. There are all kinds of things we can do to build that closeness. For example, we know what each of our children likes, so we should make sure to give them those things from time to time. I come back from shopping and say to my son or daughter, “See this sour candy, this chocolate, this sweet? Here, I bought it for you. Take it.” These are little things that cost pennies, but the children will feel that they truly matter to us. They’ll feel that we notice what matters to them and act on it. That builds closeness. We also have to find time, despite the rush of life, to spend with our children and take them out. Again, this doesn’t take much. I’m not talking about planning some special outing. We go shopping anyway; we drive around doing errands. “Sweetheart, come with me.” And while we’re out, I’ll buy him a little treat he likes. Last night I drove to Ashdod to take care of a few things. I live in Ashkelon, so Ashdod is close by. I brought one of my younger children along and promised to buy him a sour candy. We went to a shop that sells nuts by weight, gummies, and things like that. I told him how much he could choose, and he made his choice. He was so happy. How much did it cost me? A few shekels, not much. To him, it was huge. He was delighted, he hugged me and said thank you. Then he got a can of Sprite, and he was on cloud nine. What does that cost us? What effort did that take on my part? It was a drive I was making anyway, because I had a few errands to do there.

08:40 And along the way, that’s a gain—an enormous gain. We need to remember something important: our relationship with our children cannot revolve only around household needs and chores, or their studies. “Did you study? Didn’t you study? What were your test scores? What does your report card look like at the end of the year?” No, it has to include other things. When they tell us about something that happened with their friends—my daughter tells me what happened with her friends—between us, perhaps it doesn’t interest me all that much. I’m not their age or caught up in the things they’re caught up in. But in her world, it’s everything. When I listen to her, ask a question, and offer a thought, my daughter feels that I’m interested in her world, that she matters to me. Then, when I see that she’s in touch with friends and I’m not comfortable with it—a WhatsApp group, like the one that girl spoke to me about yesterday, a WhatsApp group that isn’t right for us—I can come to that daughter or son and say, “Listen.” It’s never right to start by saying, “That friend of yours…” Because if we name the friend, and it’s their friend, they may immediately become defensive. Instead, say, “You know, that WhatsApp group you’re in… I’m happy for you to have friends and everything, but what do you think? It seems to me that our values put us in a somewhat different place. What do you think?” That way, we can lay out for them that this makes us uncomfortable; it gives us a stomachache. And why should they care about our stomachache? They care more when they feel how much they matter to us. After all, children don’t want to hurt us. Children, too—even children

10:41 when they do things that seem to be against us, aren’t against us. They’re simply looking out for themselves. It’s just that what they want for themselves clashes with what we want. But when they see how much they matter to us, how much we see them, they will see us more, too. And when they sense that a particular act, activity, or friendship doesn’t sit well with us, that can make them much more likely to pay attention, listen, and reach a conclusion. Of course, we don’t know when it will work or how well it will work. There’s no exact recipe here, like making matbucha. But that’s the approach. It’s an approach that can work very, very well. If we come in and put an end to it in one fell swoop, they’ll be frustrated and find a way around it later. Our children have plenty of ways to get what they want. So there are two things we must do. The first is the spiritual step: to recite Tehillim, to recite Tehillim for our children’s fear of Heaven. Alongside that, we need to do the things we’ve just discussed. Together, these two steps can help, with Hashem’s help. And if we look a little deeper, we see in Judaism that what can really help bring about proper behavior is a foundation of connection and closeness. For example, there’s a Gemara in tractate Tamid about the daily offering brought each morning in the Beis Hamikdash. The Gemara says that before they offered the animal, they gave it water to drink. Why did they do that? Because after slaughtering it, they would skin the animal, and it’s easier to remove the skin if the animal has been given water beforehand.

13:01 That was how it worked. So chassidim would say at a farbrengen: Sometimes I want to remove someone else’s “skin”—an outer layer, meaning a certain behavior that isn’t appropriate. Someone has taken on a particular behavior, and that’s the skin around him; I want to remove it, just as they removed the animal’s skin. So what did they do first? They gave the animal water. Chassidim would say: That’s why chassidim sit together at a farbrengen and give one another “water.” They drink l’chaim, grow closer, sing together, and wish one another well. Then, when I lovingly tell someone about something they would do well to change or improve, they’ll be much more receptive. Because before I tried to remove that inappropriate behavior—the “skin”—I gave them water. We sat together, drank l’chaim together, and grew closer. It’s the same at home. Once we grow closer to our children and show them how important and precious they are to us, it will help them listen much more to what we say. The Torah also tells us that before the Jewish people entered the Land of Israel with Yehoshua bin Nun, who led them in, Moshe Rabbeinu spoke to them at the beginning of Parshas Devarim and offered criticism about various things they had done. But he offered that criticism only after he had conquered the lands of Sichon and Og, two very powerful kings. Rashi explains why he did that before criticizing them: If he had criticized them straightaway, they would have said, “He just wants to criticize us.” But after everyone saw how devoted he was to them, how he fought

15:04 such powerful, formidable kings for their sake, they would say, “Ah, he loves us. He’s willing to devote himself to us and go above and beyond for us.” Then, even when they heard criticism, it would sound entirely different. Criticism or requests that come after closeness, after devotion to someone else, after showing them love, are received much better. The same applies to our subject. We’ll recite Tehillim and grow closer to our children, and then our requests will also be received much better. Dear parents, may you have blessing and success. I’d like to dedicate today’s class to the soldier Rafael, son of Limor Malka, the son of a good friend of mine whom I work with. He was wounded in Gaza. May he have a complete recovery, with Hashem’s help; may all the wounded have a complete recovery; may the hostages return, with Hashem’s help; and may we soon merit the complete Geulah and the resurrection of the dead. I would be very glad if you shared this class with others. Share it with a friend, give it a like, write a comment, and pass it on. All these things you do will prompt YouTube to show the class to more and more people. Thank you very much! Good news. All the best.