Rabbi Peretz Chen | Mom.. Dad.. How can we involve our children without pain?

00:00 Dear parents, hello and blessings. How are you? In this class, with Hashem’s help, we’ll talk about something I’m sure you do and know is important. But there’s one particular thing that keeps us from doing it more often. We’ll talk about involving our children—both in how the household runs and in spiritual matters. When someone takes part in a process, in doing something, they feel much more connected to it. They identify with it much more. So, with Hashem’s help, we’ll talk about why this matters. I’ll tell you stories from just the past few days, and we’ll talk about the thing that gets in our way and how we can easily overcome it. Of course, to help this class reach as many parents as possible, and to help the YouTube algorithm want to show it to more people, please do something simple: like, share, or comment. That’s what helps YouTube spread this class further and further. Thank you very much. So, yesterday we were on a trip. Yesterday was very, very hot, and so was the day before. We were on a two-day trip, Sunday and Monday of this week. This class is being filmed on Tuesday. It was the annual trip with the students, and because of the war, it had been postponed until the very end of the year. Sadly, we can’t travel or hike in parts of our Holy Land. So we went on a trip in the central region. As I said, the days were very, very hot. We arrived at a place that offers all kinds of outdoor activities with the students, like shepherding a flock. It was something very nice and educational, with lots of good messages. There was also crushing hyssop, shooting an arrow at a target, and other fascinating, well-run, respectful activities. We arrived there at lunchtime; it was also where we would spend the night. And it was hot. It was hot. It was a hot afternoon, and we told the students, “All right, we’ll rest a little, get organized, and head out for the activities.” So

02:20 some students immediately said they’d be happy to go. Some needed convincing, and others said, “No, we’re hot. We’re not going out for the activities.” Fine. If someone doesn’t want to, we’re not forcing anyone. It was a closed, supervised area anyway, and there were staff members who could watch those who stayed behind. So that was fine. Most of the students went out for the activities, and some didn’t. When we came back—the activities had taken maybe three hours, and it was hot—I noticed something interesting: all the students who hadn’t gone out couldn’t stop complaining. “Why did we come here? It’s no fun here. We’re hot. Why this? Why that?” But the ones who had gone out, who were just as hot and maybe even hotter because they’d been active, were cheerful and happy. They were having a good time and took the heat much better. They had done things, had experiences, taken pictures, and played a part in the activities. They themselves had been involved. Suddenly, I could see it right before my eyes: when a person takes part in an activity, in doing something—whatever it may be—they feel connected. They identify with it and speak well of it. They won’t turn against it. When do people complain and turn against something? When they’re not part of what’s being done. They have no inner connection to it, so complaints and dissatisfaction can come out. The most basic thing for parents at home, the head of an organization, or anyone running something is to involve people in the process. Don’t say you’ll do everything while they just sit there. People who don’t do anything don’t feel connected, so they complain and don’t enjoy themselves. Later that same evening—this was last Sunday—we, the students, were making dinner, grilling

04:21 meat. There were huge quantities of meat, even three grills, and plenty for everyone. There was a group of students there who were challenging students. To be allowed on the trip, they’d even signed agreements to various conditions. One of them had deposited a sum of money as a guarantee that he would behave properly. That student and another from the same challenging group took charge of one grill. Students came over and asked for food, and they gave it to them generously, with all their hearts. Those two students were incredibly bighearted. They gave from the heart, from the soul! They served people, cooked more, gave food to whoever needed it, and treated the teachers: “This platter is for the teachers, this one’s for the principal, this one’s for him, and this one’s for him.” Suddenly, you saw that these boys, whom people had thought might cause some sort of trouble, behaved beautifully. They got through the night properly, kept the rules, helped out, brought things, and motivated others. It was amazing. It was not at all what we’d expected. Why? The same point: these students took an active part in what was happening—a meaningful part. They had responsibility in their hands. They were given the grill and handled it properly. As a result, not only was the grilling they did one hundred percent, but so was everything that followed that evening and night. Anyone familiar with student trips knows that nighttime is usually the challenging part. Our night went smoothly, and the next day, right up to the very last moment, they behaved amazingly, because they had taken part. They were partners in all the activities, in everything that was done. That’s how it works. If we just impose things from above, it won’t work. And just yesterday, we were sitting and talking, teachers and

06:26 staff members, and one of the teachers told us about a student, a boy in the city where he lives, who had gotten into a bit of trouble and couldn’t find a school. Perhaps he wanted to go to a yeshiva, but one yeshiva didn’t accept him, and things didn’t work out. His father was really at a loss about what to do with his son. There was a school the father wanted him to attend, but they wouldn’t agree to take him. The father fought for it and didn’t succeed. The boy went somewhere else. At that other place, the rosh yeshiva took the boy in and gave him responsibility. He gave him keys. “You’re responsible for this. You run this. You’re in charge here.” He would also get certain things for doing it—maybe a little money, maybe some perks; I don’t know what. And suddenly this boy, who had been turned away by institutions that didn’t want to accept him, began to flourish, to grow, to become stronger. That’s what this colleague, who knows both the father and the boy, told me. Now he shows up with a smile on his face. He travels to school with a smile on his face. Why? Because he’s part of it. Because he takes part. So naturally, a connection develops within him. Something that simply comes down from above—even if it’s nice to receive it without making an effort—naturally, we feel less connected to it. It goes so far that, with Hashem’s help, we can consider this: we all look forward to and long for the Third Beis Hamikdash to be built speedily in our days, amen. There’s a discussion about the Third Beis Hamikdash: will it descend ready-made from Heaven, or will we build it? How exactly will it work? The conclusion is that the Beis Hamikdash will descend from above, already built and complete, but there will also be parts that we make. We will build the doors, the gates. Seemingly, why are we needed if it comes down from above? What’s the problem

08:31 Even if the doors come down too? What’s the problem? Really, that isn’t a problem. But for us to feel that we belong to the Beis Hamikdash and have a connection to it, there will be parts that we make. When we make a part of it, we’ll feel involved in the whole undertaking. So it will descend already built and complete, but there will certainly be parts for us to do. We’ll gain a magnificent building, designed by the architect—Hakadosh Boruch Hu Himself—which will descend already built and complete. And we’ll also feel involved and connected, because we’ll have taken part in making it. That’s how it always works. That’s how it works today, how it will work in the future, how it works all the time. We have to give our children a part to play. Dear parents, dear fathers and mothers, often it’s easier for us to do things ourselves, because when the children do them, they make a mess. When they prepare something in the kitchen, they may not do it very well, and the mess they make isn’t pleasant. Suddenly we find the meat spoon in the dairy dish, or the other way around. What a mess and what a headache it can be when they do it! So it’s much easier to tell them, “Leave it, leave it. We’ll do it ourselves.” We go out for a family outing and have a barbecue. If I, the father, do it, I can get everything done quickly. But the children really want to take part. They enjoy it. If they do, though, they might drop a kebab on the ground, do this and that, get dirty and make a mess. So it’s much easier to say, “Sit down, and you’ll get your food ready-made, just as it should be. Leave it; stay away from this area.” It’s easier for us. The result may be better, but it isn’t the right thing to do. Because then they won’t feel involved; they won’t

10:38 feel connected. When one of the daughters in the family makes a salad or a cake for Shabbos, she’ll feel involved in Shabbos and connected to it. When I’m putting something together at home—something I bought for the house at IKEA or another store—and my son holds the screwdriver and turns it a little, he’ll feel part of it. And when children feel part of something, it has a much greater impact. The difficulty, as I said at the beginning, is that sometimes we give up on this. Why put up with the mess it will make, the time it will take, and the energy we’ll spend because they’re taking part? So the first piece of advice is to know in advance that this is the plan. The plan is that it may come out a little less well now, but we’ll gain their connection with us. Every Shabbos afternoon, before Mincha and before the halachah class I teach at our Chabad House in Agamim, a neighborhood in Ashkelon, I go to the neighborhood park and hold Shabbos gatherings there with the children. Children come, stand together, recite the Twelve Pesukim aloud, and get a treat. The whole thing takes me about half an hour or thirty-five minutes, and I’m always hurrying because afterward I have a Gemara study session with a chavrusa, then a halachah class, and then Mincha. I want to get to my chavrusa on time. Sometimes I go alone, and sometimes I take my children so they can get out, see what I’m doing, and take part in it. That’s very important. When I go with them, of course, the first thing that happens is that we walk more slowly. And along the way, one of them might get thirsty, or one thing or another might bother them. They’re children, after all. Now, I know from experience that if I leave for the park with the children thirty-five minutes before I need to meet my chavrusa, what will happen all the way there? I’ll feel pressured because I’m running late, and I’ll hurry them along. Instead of feeling part of it, they’ll have an unpleasant walk. So I learned that when I take them, I have to leave at least fifteen or twenty minutes earlier. Then I’m more relaxed as we walk, because I’m not in a hurry. I know I have enough time, so we can walk at an easy pace. If someone gets thirsty on the way, we stop and they drink from the bottle we brought. If someone’s shoe comes off or their laces come undone, I have the patience to stop at a bench and tie their sandals, or whatever is needed. You see? It means planning ahead. And if I want to let them take part in the cooking, I know there will be more mess, and I prepare for that. Of course, if we guide them, it will go better, but there will still be more mess. We know that in advance. There will be more mess, but they’ll be involved. So, for example, I’ll ask my daughter not to make the eggplant salad, or whatever salad she’s making, or the cake she’s baking, on Friday afternoon. At that point there really isn’t the time or patience for things that take a while. Instead, we’ll plan for her to make it on Thursday afternoon or Thursday evening. Then, even if it takes more time and makes more mess, we know we have enough time to deal with it, because Shabbos isn’t two hours away; it’s twenty hours away. That makes things much more relaxed for us. In other words, we have to involve them, but the key is to prepare

12:43 If I’m on my way to learn with my chavrusa and I take the children to the park, what will happen along the way? I’ll be stressed because I’m running late, and I’ll hurry them along. Instead of feeling part of it, they’ll have an unpleasant walk. So I learned that when I go with them, I have to leave at least fifteen or twenty minutes earlier. Then I’m more relaxed because I’m not in a hurry; I know I have enough time, and we can walk at an easy pace. If someone gets thirsty along the way, we stop and they drink from the bottle we brought. And if someone’s shoe comes off, or their laces come undone, I have the patience to stop at a bench and tie their sandals, or whatever it may be. Right? In other words, plan ahead. And if I want to involve them in the kitchen, I know there will be more mess, so I’ll prepare for that. Of course, if we guide them, it will be better, but there will still be more mess. We know that in advance: there will be more mess, but they’ll be part of it. So, for example, I’ll ask my daughter not to make the eggplant salad, or whatever salad she’s making, or the cake she’s baking, on Friday afternoon. At that point, there really isn’t the patience or the time for things that take a long time. Instead, we’ll plan to do it on Thursday afternoon or Thursday evening. That way, even if it takes more time and makes more mess, we know we have enough time to deal with it, because Shabbos isn’t two hours away—it’s twenty hours away. That makes things much more relaxed for us. In other words, we have to include them, but the key is to prepare ourselves

14:20 for it properly. We need to prepare ourselves in a way that lets us be more patient and more accepting of what happens. Then it will work much better. And when they take part, they’ll be with us. The same is true, of course, of spiritual things. As I mentioned, we can take the children along to the Shabbos gatherings, or involve them in any other spiritual activity we do. We should plan in advance what part they’ll have, and recognize in advance what that might involve: extra time and energy beyond what the activity would otherwise require. If we prepare for that, they’ll be part of the whole experience. Dear parents, may we succeed in this task, as in all the other important tasks we have with the sweet children whom Hakadosh Boruch Hu entrusted specifically to us, because we are the best parents on earth for them. Let’s always remember that. May there be blessing and success, and may we have much, much nachas. And may we merit, with Hashem’s help, to pray together—to pray that only good come to the Jewish people, that the hostages return, and that all the IDF soldiers be safe and sound. May not a hair on the head of any of the men or women serving be harmed, G-d forbid. May the wounded recover, and may we merit a victory for the Jewish people. The complete victory, of course, will be the complete Geulah, very soon, with Hashem’s help. Thank you very much. Only good news. All the best, goodbye.