Rabbi Peretz Chen | Yud Shvat - Let's learn from the Rebbe how to behave with children

00:00 L’chaim, l’chaim, l’chaim, and may it be for a blessing. Today we are on the eve of the luminous day, the holy day, the special day of Yud Shvat. On this day in 1950, 5710, the previous Chabad Rebbe passed away, and a year later our Rebbe began to lead us. So l’chaim, l’chaim. May we draw from this day much light, much blessing, much success, and so very much good for our lives. L’chaim. Blessed are You, Hashem our G-d, King of the universe, by Whose word everything came to be. In today’s class, with Hashem’s help, we’ll talk about the moving, extraordinary bond between a Rebbe and a chossid. Most importantly, we’ll learn what it means for us, what it means for our homes, and how it can help us very, very much in raising our children. There are several kinds of connection between two people, several levels. One kind of connection exists in the world of action: I do things for you, and you do things for me. Each does things for the other, and that creates a good connection. Another kind belongs to the world of speech: I talk to you, I consult you, I share things with you. You do the same with me, and that creates a special kind of connection between us. But there is a third, deeper, more special kind: a connection in the world of thought, when we think about one another. Someone might ask, “So I thought about you, and you thought about me. Does thinking create a connection?” Apparently, it very much does. Thought creates a connection. When people think about one another, it creates deep and special bonds. The Frierdiker Rebbe related that one day, when he was young and living in Rostov, Russia, he saw his father, the Rebbe Rashab, looking through letters that chassidim had written to him some time earlier. The Frierdiker Rebbe couldn’t understand why his father, who was so busy

02:23 and didn’t have a spare minute, was finding time to look through letters sent years before. What for? He couldn’t see the benefit. So he asked his father, “Why are you looking at old letters? Letters that have just arrived, I understand—they’re current. There are questions and matters to attend to. But why letters from long ago?” His father, the Rebbe Rashab, answered him: “From time to time, I look through letters I received in past years. When I see a letter from a chossid, I remember that chossid and think about him. Sometimes I see a dark cloud heading his way. When I see that and remember the chossid, I daven for him. I work on his behalf so that the dark cloud heading toward him will disperse and won’t reach him.” A Rebbe thinks about chassidim. When the Frierdiker Rebbe told this story, he said, “From this we see the greatness of a Rebbe’s Ahavas Yisroel for his chassidim.” The chossid doesn’t even know that a dark cloud was heading his way. But before he knows anything about it, the Rebbe is already making sure that cloud disperses and doesn’t reach him, so that the chossid’s life can go on happily, calmly, and peacefully. The Frierdiker Rebbe also writes in a book called Likkutei Dibburim that on one occasion he was sitting with his students and chassidim at a farbrengen. He spoke about this point: thought is effective; thought helps. When I think positive thoughts about someone, it affects him and helps him. One of the chassidim sitting there didn’t understand and said, “What do you mean, thought is effective? How can a thought—I’m thinking here, and he’s over there—how can it help?” So

04:43 the Frierdiker Rebbe heard the question and said to that chossid, “Remember where you were last year.” The chossid thought for a second and said, “Ah.” He understood. What did he understand? A year earlier, that chossid had been in a Soviet prison, under harsh conditions and in great danger. Suddenly he had been released, and he couldn’t understand why. It had come as a surprise. In effect, the Frierdiker Rebbe was telling him, “Do you know why you were released? Because I thought about you. You were released because someone was thinking about you—and you’re the one asking how thought can help? Remember where you were last year.” Thought helps. People also tell, or mention, that our Rebbe had cards and letters people had sent him. He kept those letters, and from time to time he, too, would look through them. In this way the Rebbe thinks about a chossid, and the Rebbe’s thought helps him; it benefits him. People like us don’t always actually see how thinking about someone has helped them, but thought does help. Today, many experts in education say that if we think positively about our child, if we think well of them, that will convey something good from us to them. We may only have thought about them—we didn’t speak, we didn’t bring them a candy or anything else—but Hakadosh Boruch Hu created the world so that a good thought has power. Even researchers today have discovered, through many studies, how words can affect various objects: plants that grow better, or drops of water that, when frozen, form beautiful shapes when positive words are spoken. I didn’t touch the thing; I spoke about it. But these messages have power and strength. And the same is true

06:52 in the world of thought. When I think good, positive thoughts, it has an effect. It helps, it gives, it moves things forward. That is the tremendous power of thought. And in the bond between a Rebbe and chassidim, we see just how much the Rebbe’s thoughts help a chossid. That is one reason chassidim make a great effort to write to the Rebbe from time to time and tell him how things are going: what’s happening with me, how my family is, how things are going in my service of Hashem. They write letters and share what’s happening in their daily lives and the challenges they’re going through. When they write to the Rebbe, the writing itself brings about this thinking about one another, because that thought has tremendous meaning, power, and benefit. At home, in our relationship with our children, we also want them to feel that we’re with them, that we think about them. After all, children often complain, “Dad, Mom, you have time for everyone. You help this person and that person, and you have patience for them, but you don’t have time for us. You’re always busy and always in a hurry.” Sometimes there’s a lot of truth in that complaint, and it’s unpleasant to hear. So we need to make sure our children feel that we think about them. But perhaps this is different from the bond between a Rebbe and a chossid: when a Rebbe thinks about a chossid, that itself already does the work. For us, thinking good thoughts about our children is essential. It’s wonderful; it’s necessary. But if it remains only in the world of thought, they may not really feel it. We need to translate our positive thoughts about them into tangible actions they can feel. Then they’ll understand: “Dad thinks about me. I matter to him.”

09:09 Mom thinks about me. Mom wants to be close to me, wants to feel more and more connected to me. So how do we do that? There are simple things we can do that send this message: They’re thinking about me. For example, we’re shopping at the supermarket, buying things for the house, and one of our children likes a particular snack, a certain chocolate, a treat that makes them happy. And they haven’t earned it. They haven’t done anything special to deserve a treat. It’s not Shabbos, when there are treats at home. There’s no reason they’re entitled to one. But I’ll buy it anyway. I’ll come home and say, “You like this, right? Here, I bought it for you. Enjoy it. I hope it tastes good and makes you happy.” They’ll really enjoy the snack. But what will they enjoy even more? What will strengthen them inside? “Dad thought of me. Mom thought of me. They thought of me.” They didn’t have to. The child knows they didn’t wash the dishes or tidy their room. They didn’t do anything to earn it. But their parents love them. They gave them something. They’re thinking about them. How much strength that gives a child! We come home in the evening after a day’s work, go over to our son or daughter, and give them a hug. “I love you. I love you.” A warm, loving hug from Dad or Mom. They haven’t done anything. They haven’t tidied half the house. What does that hug say? It tells them: “We love you. We want to be close to you. We’re thinking about you. You’re the most important thing in our lives.” Every so often, it’s a very good idea to take one of

11:04 the children and go out together. “Come on, just you and me. Come on, sweetheart, get in the car. We’re going to have pizza, falafel, ice cream. Just you and me. Let’s sit together.” We sit with the child for a while, talk, and give them an hour, an hour and a half, two hours of attention. Those two hours are worth so, so much in the good, positive feeling they give that child. “We love you. We want to be close to you. You matter to us.” So the message of today’s class is that we need to give our children the feeling that we’re thinking about them. Thought has power. As we saw at the beginning, in the bond between a Rebbe and a chossid, it has tremendous power. The Rebbe’s thought about a chossid benefits him, helps him, saves him from that dark cloud, and helps him move forward. We, too, want to clear dark clouds away from our children, to remove unpleasant and harmful things that may come into their lives. When they feel and sense that we’re with them and love them, they know: “We have a safe place, a place where we’re wanted and embraced.” That will give them tremendous strength. Its benefits are beyond description. That’s the lesson for our homes that we can take from this holy, special day, Yud Shvat. As I wrote in the group, I want to dedicate today’s class in the merit of several people whose names I received in the class group. I want to mention their names and say that, with Hashem’s help, this class should bring them success, health, and healing: Ari Yehuda ben Tzipora Esther—may he have a complete and speedy recovery, with Hashem’s help. Aliza bas Katrin—may she have a complete recovery, with Hashem’s help. David ben Saida Mazal—for success. Ben Shila ben Katy Shifra—for blessing

13:20 and success. Rabbi Yosef ben Saida Mazal—for a complete recovery. Yonatan ben Anat—for a complete recovery. Nir ben Orna, a soldier now serving in Gaza—may he come out of there safe and well, physically and emotionally, with Hashem’s help. Ben ben Katy—for blessing. I also want to add Harel ben Anat, a soldier in Gaza whose father is a friend very close to my heart. And I want to mention my brother, Yossi Yosef ben Devorah Ada, who is also in Gaza now. With Hashem’s help, may he return safe and well, physically and emotionally. May all the soldiers come back safe and sound, and may the dark cloud hanging over that place not touch or harm them. Before it reaches them, G-d forbid, may it scatter in every direction, be blown to the winds, and not harm a single soldier. May they return safe and well, healthy in body and mind. With Hashem’s help, may every one of the soldiers come back to us safe and sound. May the wounded recover, with Hashem’s help. May the hostages return. Those hostages have been there for over a hundred days now, inside a great dark cloud. May that cloud finally disperse, and may they come home to their families and to the Jewish people, healthy in body and mind. May we merit this, with Hashem’s help. We’re on the eve of Yud Shvat. How often the Rebbe spoke about how we’re already on the threshold of the Geulah, how Moshiach needs to come already. May it be Hashem’s will that very, very soon we merit the coming of Moshiach, the true and complete Geulah, and the resurrection of the dead. May we see again all the holy people who were so suddenly taken from us recently. May we merit all this very soon. And most of all, may we have much, much nachas from our children. If you feel this class gave you a point to take away, something of value—I think it gives us a lot—and you feel the same way, please share it. Share it with a friend. If you have important things

15:39 to add, and I’m sure you do, each of you with your own valuable experience, write in the comments below what you think. And most importantly, may there be blessing and much success. L’chaim! L’chaim!