Rabbi Peretz Chen | How do we mediate difficult stories to children?

00:00 Hello. This morning I was driving with my son and his friend. They’re ten years old, and as I listened to their conversation, I suddenly realized that his friend knew everything that was going on. He could tell us exactly about the three thousand terrorists who entered on that Shabbos. He knew exactly where the soldiers were in Gaza, which directions they had entered the Strip from, and all about missiles and launchers. He was full of information from every front. But this is information I don’t want my son to know. I don’t expose him to it. I try to keep these things from reaching his ears, and here his friend was telling him everything. That’s exactly what’s happening now. In most places, the children have already gone back to school. They hear things from their friends, even though their parents have worked hard at home not to expose them to everything. But their friends tell them, because some of those friends know exactly what’s going on. Suddenly, at home, we hear questions from our children: “Were people really kidnapped and taken to Gaza? Even babies and children? Will they come back? How? How are they managing there at all? Mom, Dad, is it really true that there are families who… were killed? Whole families? That’s what they told us.” These are questions we don’t even know how to answer, how to approach, how to respond to. They’re piercing questions, and a young child’s mind and spirit may not be ready for this information. So what do we do at a time like this? How do we approach it? What do we tell them? Do we say it isn’t true? Hide the information? Tell them some of it? How do we tell them? What do we do in the situation we’re facing now? Over the past week, this question came up in our class’s WhatsApp group. Some parents asked what they should do and how they should approach this information.

02:04 Especially when it comes from friends, it’s already getting out of our control. We no longer control it. So what do we do? In today’s class we’ll talk about that, and we’ll see that every event in life, every situation, can be viewed from several angles. We need to look for the right angle. I want to begin with a story that really illustrates the point. It’s told that two chassidim from Odessa traveled to visit their Rebbe, the Rebbe Rashab, the fifth Chabad Rebbe. One of the highlights of a visit to the Rebbe was going in for yechidus—a private, one-on-one meeting between a chossid and the Rebbe. It’s the most powerful part of the relationship between a Rebbe and a chossid. When one of them went in for yechidus, the Rebbe Rashab asked him, “How are things in Odessa? How are the relationships between people? What’s the spiritual situation there?” He answered, “Rebbe, let me tell you. In Odessa, boruch Hashem, things are so good. Everyone gets along wonderfully. People sit in the beis midrash and learn Torah, they take davening seriously, and there’s an atmosphere of Torah, holiness, and spirituality.” He painted a rosy, beautiful picture of the wonderful things happening in Odessa. When the yechidus ended, the Rebbe Rashab said, “Thank you very much for the good news,” and, as a token of thanks, gave him ten ten-ruble coins. “Thank you very much for the good news you’ve brought me.” He went outside, met the other friend who had come with him from Odessa, and told him what had happened. His friend thought to himself: What? He didn’t tell the truth. He painted everything rosy, but that isn’t the truth. When I go in to the Rebbe, I’ll tell him exactly how things are. I’m sure the Rebbe will give me at least ten coins for telling him the truth. And when that friend

04:13 also went in for a private meeting with the Rebbe, the Rebbe asked him, “Nu, how are things in Odessa?” He answered, “In Odessa? Rebbe, don’t ask! People don’t get along, and the shul is empty. People don’t set aside times to learn Torah, and they don’t take davening seriously.” He painted a very dark picture of the situation in Odessa. He was sure that, in gratitude for finally hearing the truth, the Rebbe would give him at least ten coins. When the meeting ended, the Rebbe said, “Thank you very much for updating me,” and gave him a one-ruble coin. He went outside, unable to understand what had happened. His friend told stories and got ten coins, while he had told the truth and received only one. Then someone explained to him: “You don’t understand. There are two Odessas. In Odessa, there are Jews who live good, pure, spiritual lives. They set aside times to learn Torah, they daven, and they get along with one another. There are also people who don’t do those things. Each person describes the place where he lives. Your friend spends his time with the more committed group, so that’s what he sees and what he describes. That’s his Odessa. But when you described Odessa, you were really describing yourself. You described the people you spend time with, what you yourself see, because those are your friends. It’s the same Odessa, but one person sees it one way and another sees it differently. The key is to see things in a positive light.” There’s also a story about a chossid who came to meet with his Rebbe and began telling him about all his troubles. But this chossid actually had a good, healthy life, a loving, supportive family, a job, a livelihood. There were difficulties, yes—everyone has difficulties of one kind or another. He had a family

06:10 that loved and supported him, work, and a livelihood. Yet he spoke only about his difficulties and didn’t mention all the good in his life. So the Rebbe turned toward the wall, took a writing instrument, and drew a black circle on it. The Rebbe asked him, “Tell me, what do you see on the wall?” He answered, “What do I see? I see a black circle.” The Rebbe said, “That’s the problem. Look how much white there is all around it, and you chose to see the black circle.” What has happened now is not a small black circle. It’s a huge black circle, a vast darkness. It’s a tragedy, a disaster, a hardship—something truly extraordinary and extreme. But when we speak about the situation and describe it, especially to our children, our task is to tell them about the beauty and goodness emerging during this time, to show them the positive angle. And so many amazing things are happening now. For example, about two hours ago I spoke with someone from our neighborhood who hasn’t been in Ashkelon for several weeks; he’s in another city. He’s a Jew whom Hashem has blessed with considerable means. He told me things are a little difficult for him now because he doesn’t have much work, so his income isn’t what it usually is. But he also told me about the many acts of kindness he’s doing. A family called him: the wife had given birth, and she needed a place to recover that cost almost six thousand shekels. He gave them the money. Someone else called because they needed help, and he gave to them too. He keeps giving, even though, again, things aren’t easy for him. He feels, “People need help, so I’ll give.” That’s something we can tell our children and bring to the fore. Look how beautiful that is.

08:03 Now, this Jew—do you know him? Yes. Do you know how many acts of kindness he’s doing right now? That’s the point to emphasize. I saw an amazing video that some of you may have seen too, about a non-Jewish woman—a woman from Kibbutz Be’eri. They’re all staying at a hotel by the Dead Sea now. She speaks with such emotion about their shul on the kibbutz: how it’s now open and active, with many soldiers there. They spend time there, learn, daven, read, and study Mishnayos. They’ve begun writing a Sefer Torah, with the plan, G-d willing, to finish it by Simchas Torah next year. The soldiers stay there and rest and eat there. There’s food left for them in the refrigerator. She tells all this with such emotion. This woman went through a terrible ordeal. She has neighbors and friends who were murdered, may no one else know such a thing, and some are being held captive in Gaza. Yet this is what she chooses to emphasize, show, tell people about and talk about. It’s amazing. And this is what we need to tell our children and pass on to them. In our neighborhood in Ashkelon, at one of the schools, there’s a group of medical personnel, scientists, reservists and volunteers who came from abroad. Since they’re staying in a school, one of their needs is getting their clothes washed. So the women in our neighborhood take turns doing laundry. When someone needs laundry done, they let people know, and it gets passed to one of the women in the neighborhood. The women happily and enthusiastically wash and iron their clothes, and tuck some sweets and nice little things in with the clean clothes. It’s amazing, moving and beautiful, and it’s something we should tell people about. Yes, we’re going through a difficult time, a time of war. But do you know what’s happening in our neighborhood right now? These people are doing this, and those people are doing that. We should highlight the amazing things that are happening and tell those stories. That’s—

10:06 what we should emphasize. That’s what the conversation should revolve around. Then our children will come away from this period with much more positive strength, rather than negative things, G-d forbid. And with everything, it also matters how we tell it. Take sirens, for example. A siren is frightening. It’s stressful. Suddenly it goes off and everyone feels tense. But we can present it differently to children. Tell them: “You know when we’re driving and the sensor beeps if we get too close to another car? It does that to protect us. That beep is a good thing. It helps keep us safe by making sure we don’t get too close to the car ahead. So the siren, too, is there to remind us to go into a protected space. When we do that, everything will be all right.” We’ve taken the siren from something very, very frightening and made it something a little more familiar. It’s something good, something that protects us. In other words, with things they’re going to encounter anyway—we can’t prevent them from hearing a siren—let’s try to make those things feel more manageable. Let the conversation at home center on the positive things that are happening. But that also means keeping news broadcasts from playing aloud in the house as much as possible. Don’t leave the screen or the radio on all the time. That isn’t good at a time like this. Someone told me—yesterday I met a man who told me that he and his wife are staying in Jerusalem. He really, really wants to go back home to Ashkelon, but his wife isn’t willing to go back. She’s anxious; she’s afraid. All right, what can you do? That’s the situation. But he told me, “I don’t understand. There are hardly any sirens now, so what’s the problem with going back?” The problem, he explained, is that his wife sits in front of the screen all day, watching reports, updates, forecasts and commentary. She’s immersed in an atmosphere of war—

12:02 and in the atmosphere the television keeps presenting to her, there’s war all the time, and there are problems and difficulties. So she’s afraid to go home, while he dreams of going home. He doesn’t go because he understands how hard it is for her, and of course he’s considerate of his wife. But all that anxiety comes from what she’s taking in. The media needs to provide stories, information and drama, and it does that extremely well. But we don’t want that to be what’s heard at home all the time. Quite the opposite: we should talk about the situation, but talk about it positively. When the subject of the hostages comes up, say, “Yes, it’s true, Jews were taken hostage. But the army is working very, very hard and taking it very seriously, and with Hashem’s help, they’ll do everything they can to free them and bring them home.” Then, when your son or daughter hears about the hostages from a friend, they’ll know: “Oh, right, we already talked about that at home. They told us about it. But they’ll come back; people are working hard on it, and, thank G-d, everything will be all right.” People are working hard on their behalf. That’s how we make this story a little easier for them to process, and the same goes for each of the difficult things that have happened. Our task when talking with our children is to reassure them and help them process these things as much as possible. Then, even when they hear something difficult, they’ll think, “Oh, we talked about that at home—but we talked about it with hope, with the sense that things will be all right.” That’s what will immediately come to mind, because that’s how it was discussed at home. And again, alongside that, we should highlight all the amazing good that is happening right now. Of course, hiding information and telling them, “No, nothing happened”—we all understand that isn’t the way to do it. It would also undermine their trust in us and damage their sense of security. So yes, we do talk about things. If the subject—

13:56 comes up, if they ask—and, by the way, it’s also very important to give them the opportunity to ask. “What did you hear? What did you hear? Come, tell me. Let’s sit down and talk about it.” But when we hear what they have to say, we should help them process it. We should highlight the good that exists. That will give them strength. Of course, along with all of this, it’s very, very important at this time to tell them: “Everything will be all right. You’re safe. We’re with you all the time, all the time. You’re not alone in any of this.” That’s how we give them a sense of security. So, to sum up: the point is to look for the positive angle, not the negative one. Don’t look for the black spot on the wall; look at all the white around it. Even now, with all this great darkness, there is also so much light. So many amazing, beautiful things are happening. How many Jews are putting on tefillin? How many Jews are wearing tzitzis now? How many Jews are opening their hearts to Yiddishkeit specifically at this time? Those are the things we need to tell our children about. Those are the things we need to emphasize. Then, instead of coming away from these days, from this period, with difficult, frightening information that shakes their sense of security, our children will come away with many, many amazing, moving and strengthening stories. That, then, is our main task as parents at this time. May Hashem help us merit good days, peaceful days, with Hashem’s help. If you feel that this class has given you something, please share it. Send the class to a friend. Share it with your friends so they, too, can learn these points, which are so simple but so very important. If you have something to say, something to add, a response, or an important point to shed light on, I’d also be very glad if you wrote what you think in the comments below the video. That can—

16:14 only add to the discussion and benefit us all. So may we merit, with Hashem’s help, good days, peaceful days, tranquil days—days when we won’t need to search for good to highlight, because there will be only good. And with Hashem’s help, soon—we are convinced, we are certain—that Moshiach will come soon. It seems his coming is closer than ever. Then there will truly be perfect goodness. We’ll sit together with the hostages, and together with those who have passed away when, with Hashem’s help, there is Techiyas Hameisim, the Resurrection of the Dead. We’ll sit together with them, joyful and happy. May we merit all this very soon, with Hashem’s help. Amen, may it be His will. Thank you very much.