Rabbi Peretz Chen | Mom, Dad, this is what I need from you during vacation!

00:00 Vacation has already started. For some, it will start soon, and we’re going to spend many hours at home with the children. This can be a wonderful, very special time, a time that, with Hashem’s help, will recharge us for the coming year. But there are a few things we need to pay attention to so that, with Hashem’s help, only good comes out of it. Last week, a Google Docs questionnaire was sent to the class WhatsApp group. Thank you very much to the dozens who responded. One thing many people wrote was that they’d like us to talk about this vacation period. So in today’s class, we’ll talk about the words our children need to hear from us, especially now, and the words they need to hear less often. We’ll also see that right at the beginning of the Torah, Hakadosh Boruch Hu taught us which words we need to say—especially in general, and probably especially to our children. We’ll get a special tip for the Shabbos table today, too, and we’ll see that everything we discuss is, in fact, what will happen, with Hashem’s help, in the process of the Geulah. So last week I saw a video. I’m sure some of you saw it. If you didn’t, you’ll hear about it now. It showed a Channel 14 news reporter covering the demonstration on Kaplan Street in Tel Aviv. He’s standing there with his microphone, broadcasting, with the camera in front of him, and a group of people come up and surround him. They shout into his ear through a megaphone, put him down, call him this and that, and belittle him. One person stands between him and the camera, so you can hear him broadcasting but can’t see his face because someone is blocking the camera’s view. Someone else waves a flag there and covers the camera lens with the fabric. You can see on the reporter’s face how hard it is for him, how distressed he is. Later, someone also arrived there... There were

02:09 several people who saw it live and simply came to encourage him. One even brought him a bottle of cold water. But you can see on his face how hard it is for him. Imagine what a person needs after an experience like that. He needs help. It could leave him with anxiety or put him in all kinds of difficult, unpleasant, unusual emotional states. But I’m sure that while it was happening, and certainly afterward, he received dozens or hundreds of messages of support: “Well done. Well done for carrying on with what you were doing,” and other messages like that. And surely, when he got back to the studio, everyone patted him on the back and made him the hero of the day. He received a generous dose of comfort to make up for everything he went through and experienced while broadcasting that report. But imagine what happens in our homes, with our children, when we suddenly start correcting them and don’t stop: “How many times do I have to tell you? How many times can I say it? Don’t you understand Hebrew? I’m fed up with this behavior. I can’t take it anymore. If only school would start already. Come on, go back to school!” All kinds of harsh words like these, words that put them down. And the children hear them—another remark, another put-down, another correction, another scolding. But unlike that reporter, they have no one who will come afterward, immediately hug them, and give them the kind of generous comfort he surely received to make up for what they went through. Imagine what that does to them inside, how deeply it penetrates. We know that our brains have a conscious part and a subconscious part. What’s in the subconscious

04:12 is what becomes deeply imprinted on our personalities. And what enters the subconscious? Usually, only something out of the ordinary: a very moving event, a very shocking event, something somewhat extreme. For example, a child is attacked by a dog. A dog jumps on him when he’s little, and he gets terribly frightened. That enters his subconscious. Then, when he grows up, every time he sees a dog, that experience, that event, the feeling he had as a child comes back from somewhere in his mind, from his subconscious, into his conscious mind. He feels the same anxiety he felt as a child. People don’t understand what’s wrong: “It’s just a dog. You’re not so little anymore.” But it’s something imprinted on his subconscious. It can be treated. It takes hard work, but it’s there in the subconscious, and the things in our subconscious are in the very depths of our personalities. As we said, for something to enter the subconscious, it usually has to be an extreme event. But that’s at older ages. For children up to about age twelve, things move very quickly from the conscious mind to the subconscious. In other words, any word we say to them might enter their subconscious very quickly, and we never know which word it will be. We need only say things like, “What’s going to become of you? What’s going to become of you?” and the thought can take hold in their minds: “Really, what’s going to become of me? I’m worthless. I’m not worth anything.” That can stay with them for many years, to the point that they might even need some kind of emotional therapy to help them move past it. But let’s stop for a moment, and let’s not get too frightened. So

06:10 anyone listening now might be saying, “Oh no, how many times have I spoken to my children that way? What, we can’t correct them? We have to correct children. They make mistakes and need guidance. That’s our job—we’re their parents, right?” So first, we need to know that I once heard an educator say that Hakadosh Boruch Hu created a system in which parents can make a thousand mistakes and, nevertheless, with Hashem’s help, their children will turn out fine. That applies to what we’ve already done and to the mistakes we may yet make. We’re not angels; we’re only human. But the purpose of this class is to make us aware that we should try to use positive, constructive words as much as possible. Now, during vacation, when we’re spending so many hours with the children, there can also be a great deal of friction. We simply need to look for good things to say, to notice the small things they do and build them up: “You’re amazing. We so appreciate your help getting breakfast ready. And thank you for noticing that your little brother was crying and needed someone to take care of him. We really appreciate it and thank you very, very much.” We need to look for words like these. They’ll build the children up and help them grow. They’ll put so much good into their subconscious, into their inner selves, and foster a desire to do so much good, too. Just look at their faces. When we correct a child, what does he look like? Suddenly his face falls; his eyes lose their light. And when we give him a compliment, suddenly his expression lights up. That’s what we can see. We can’t see what’s happening inside, but surely their faces reflect what’s going on inside, what our words are doing to them. That’s why our job is to look for good things to say. Words have such, such

08:01 Weight, that kind of significance. There’s a story: In Chabad, Lag BaOmer parades are held every year in honor of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai—children’s parades in city centers and neighborhoods. There were Lag BaOmer parades by the Rebbe, too. One year, a rabbi named Rabbi Hecht, who was among the organizers and was the parade’s emcee, felt that the preparations were going terribly. Things weren’t working out or running the way he wanted, the way he had imagined. He arrived at the parade with a bad feeling, and even after it began, he was still disappointed. He felt it was a failure, that the whole thing simply wasn’t working. He was very worried, because the Rebbe himself would soon come out to speak to the children, and, as he saw it, the Rebbe would see that failure. Then the Rebbe arrived and began speaking to the children. The Rebbe looked at the displays the children had prepared for the parade, encouraged them, and simply lifted the whole parade. When the parade ended, Rabbi Hecht thanked the organizers, the marshals, and everyone who had taken part. Then he said to the Rebbe, “Rebbe, thank you so much for dragging me up from the state I was in.” The Rebbe told him, “I didn’t drag you. I lifted you up.” What does that mean? What do you have to drag? A car that’s stuck. He felt stuck, as though someone had to drag him up out of that state. The Rebbe told him, “You weren’t stuck anywhere. Don’t think of yourself as having been stuck. You didn’t need to be dragged; you just needed a little lift.” The Rebbe didn’t want him to feel, “I was stuck—I was stuck in some situation.” No. The Rebbe wanted him to feel good about himself, because when a person feels good about himself and who he is, it’s much easier for him to move forward

10:01 and get things done. The difference of one word—“I dragged you” or “I lifted you up”—changes a person’s image of himself. Words we say carry so much weight. I saw a study by a Japanese researcher in which they took water and spoke to it. They said harsh things to one bottle of water: “We hate you. We don’t love you. You’re disgusting.” Harsh words. They gave someone that water to drink, and after about fifteen minutes they did a blood test. They took a blood sample, examined it under a microscope, and saw on the computer that the structure of his red blood cells was so poor that, G-d forbid, illnesses such as heart and lung disease could develop. Later, they took another bottle and spoke kindly to it: “We love you. We accept you. Thank you. I’m sorry. You’re a good soul.” Beautiful words. They gave the same person that water to drink, on the same day, and after a while they did another blood test. Suddenly they saw that the structure of his red blood cells was so good that no illness could get in. Why? Because they had spoken kindly. Then that Japanese researcher said: Think about the fact that most of our bodies are filled with water, with fluids. So think how much weight our words carry, and how much they affect a person, the listener, our children. The holy Baal Shem Tov said that when you do a good deed for someone, it certainly does them good, but when you speak kindly to someone, it affects them much more powerfully. Speech has tremendous power. Our kind words have the power to build. So during this vacation period, let’s speak kindly as much as we possibly can, because

12:02 this is a time that can bring friction, misunderstandings, and frustrations. So let’s try—we will certainly have to make corrections, because there’s no choice—but let’s try to put as much effort as possible into kind words. By the way, this connects directly to something else. We’re now entering the Nine Days, a somewhat difficult period, with many laws of mourning: we don’t eat meat or drink wine, and so on. Interestingly, the Rebbe said that during this period we should do as many joyful things as halachah permits: make siyumim on tractates, which is permitted by halachah, and study the laws of Beis Habechirah, the laws of the Beis Hamikdash. That brings joy and hope for the Geulah. We should bring as much permitted joy as possible into this period of Bein Hametzarim. The Rebbe said that on Shabbos we should be even more joyful than on Shabbosos throughout the rest of the year. Because even when halachah requires a certain degree of mourning, we need to make sure to bring in as much positivity and joy as possible. And that’s what we need to do at home. Hakadosh Boruch Hu shows us this right at the beginning of the Torah. In Parshas Noach, when the Torah speaks about the animals coming into the ark, seven of each of the kosher animals came, while two of each of the non-kosher animals came, male and female. When the Torah speaks about the non-kosher animals, instead of saying that the non-kosher animal came into the ark, it says “the animal that is not kosher.” Instead of saying “the non-kosher animal,” the Torah says “the animal that is not kosher.” Now, you might say, so what? No, it’s not “so what.” Every letter in the Torah is precise; every letter is carefully chosen. Think about it: Parshas Bereishis, one parsha in the Torah, covers a period of fifteen hundred years. So many things happened in those fifteen hundred years, but the Torah chose precisely which events to include and which not to include, because every word in the Torah is precise.

13:59 And here, to avoid the words “the non-kosher animal,” the Torah adds another eight letters to say “the animal that is not kosher.” If you count the letters in the Hebrew phrases “the non-kosher animal” and “the animal that is not kosher,” the latter has eight more letters. The Torah adds those letters to teach us, right at the beginning of the Torah, to speak positively: don’t say “non-kosher”; say “not kosher.” That’s how we should act at home. We saw this very strongly with the Rebbe. When many people want to refer to the last date for submitting documents, they call it the “deadline.” The Rebbe didn’t use the word “deadline”; he said “the final date.” Why? Because “deadline” contains the word “dead.” The Rebbe never said the word “death”; he said “the opposite of life.” The Rebbe didn’t say “bad”; he said “the opposite of good.” The Rebbe didn’t say “hospital.” He asked people to say “healing center” instead, because when you say “hospital,” the person there feels like a poor, sick person. When you say “healing center,” it’s a place where people get better. Changing a word can mean a great deal to a person. And indeed, today we see that many, many hospitals have changed their names to medical centers. I live here in Ashkelon. When I moved here, we had Barzilai Hospital, and today it’s called Barzilai University Medical Center. A medical center, not a hospital. One word changes the whole meaning. We need to make sure to use those beautiful words at home. Words have such a tremendous impact. There’s a story about the Rebbe: Once, at the Pesach Seder meal, soup was served. There’s a very well-known Ashkenazi food called kneidlach. You take matzah meal and water, mix them with a few other ingredients, and make really delicious dumplings for the soup. It’s one of the foods

15:57 for Pesach, but chassidim don’t eat them on Pesach, because chassidim don’t eat matzah that has come into contact with water. This practice goes back to the time of the Maggid of Mezritch, a disciple of the holy Baal Shem Tov, and chassidim are very, very careful about it. Once, at a Pesach meal with the Rebbe, someone said that the soup had been cooked with kneidlach. One of the guests said it as a joke, but the Rebbe didn’t eat the soup. Everyone else ate it; the Rebbe didn’t. Why not? After all, it was two hundred percent certain that no kneidlach had been cooked in it, because chassidim don’t eat them, and in the Rebbe’s home they were certainly extremely careful to prepare the meal according to every rule and every hiddur. But the very fact that a Jew had said those words created a reality. Words create reality. We need to make sure we say the right words. Yes, we’ll still need to correct things at home, but let’s emphasize the positive. The verse in Tehillim says, “Turn away from evil and do good.” Its plain meaning is that first we must distance ourselves from evil, and then do good. The holy Baal Shem Tov explained: “Turn away from evil”—stop occupying yourself with evil, stop speaking about it, and focus on “do good.” Focus as much as possible on speaking positively and acting positively. I want to give you an amazing little tip for the Shabbos table, one that doesn’t take much effort. I once heard it from a parent who came to see me at a parent-teacher meeting. He told me that at the Shabbos table, every week, he pours himself a cup of wine—or grape juice—in his kiddush cup. He goes from child to child and says, “Yossi, l’chaim! Mom and I are really proud of you. This week we heard from your teacher how well you did, how you helped put away the toys, how you helped your friends, how you gave in to your friends. We’re really proud of you. Thank you, Hakadosh Boruch Hu, for giving us a child like you. L’chaim!” And then they move on

17:52 to the next daughter. “Sarah, we want to say l’chaim to you too. This week we saw that you wanted something at home, and your sister wanted it too, and you gave it to her. We’re just so proud of you for doing that. Thank you, Hashem, that you’re our daughter. L’chaim!” Just watch how their eyes suddenly sparkle and shine. All week they’ll be waiting for the Shabbos meal—not for the fish, but for those words. It’s a small tip. I personally try to do it. No, it doesn’t happen every Shabbos—I’ll be honest—but it does happen often, and it’s amazing. And watch the children: when one of them gets a compliment, the others are already waiting for their turn. It builds them up. It goes deep into their subconscious and gives them strength for the future. What power words have! There’s a story that once, on Yom Tov, the Rebbe needed to cross a street. He saw two girls standing on opposite sides of it. According to halachah, there is a practice that a man does not walk between two women or girls, and the Rebbe was careful about this. The Rebbe wanted to cross. He could have said to one of them, or signaled to her, “Move aside,” and she would have moved. Instead, what did the Rebbe do? The Rebbe, who taught us to use kind words and to be sensitive to others, called out to one of them in Yiddish, “Gut Yom Tov—happy Yom Tov!” Then he told her, “Go wish your friend Gut Yom Tov from me.” She smiled broadly when the Rebbe wished her a happy Yom Tov, and she ran joyfully to tell her friend, “The Rebbe wishes you a happy Yom Tov too!” Then the Rebbe crossed. He achieved exactly the same result, but with different words. Instead of feeling uncomfortable because the Rebbe had needed to correct her, she felt overjoyed. I’m sure it made

19:44 her day—and her parents’ day too, when they heard how warmly the Rebbe had spoken to her: “Gut Yom Tov. Go tell your friend too.” So today we learned that during this period, when we’ll spend hours at home with our children, we need to make an effort to say kind words and look for opportunities to say them. We also saw how powerfully words affect their minds, and why that matters so much. We saw how a single word, as in the vort, can change the entire meaning. We saw that at the beginning of the Torah, Hakadosh Boruch Hu taught us to speak positively: not to say “unclean,” but “the animal that is not clean.” We also received an amazing tip for the Shabbos table. And the truth is, this is what will happen as the Geulah unfolds. About the Geulah it says, “I will remove the spirit of impurity from the earth.” Today there is much impurity in the world, much negativity, many unkind words. When the Geulah comes, with Hashem’s help, the negativity, the unkind words and the things that are not good will gradually leave the earth, move aside and disappear. There will be purity; there will be only good in the world. As preparation for that time, we too should try to speak only good, pure words. Wishing you every success and a pleasant vacation. May we merit, with Hashem’s help, the coming of Moshiach very soon, and may we have much nachas and joy from our children. Thank you very much. Good news and all the best.