הסגולה הטובה ביותר לשידוך (לגברים)

00:00 Speaker 1 This is Igris. We are looking at letters from exactly fifty years ago. And actually our last Shir, which was about, uh, Segulas for Shidduchim, is the Rebbe's recurring Segula for women who are looking to get married, who write to the Rebbe saying they're trying to find their match. We saw that the Rebbe again and again, every time a woman writes to the Rebbe-- pretty much every time, the woman writes to a Rebbe-- to the Rebbe asking for a match, uh, asking for a Bracha for a match, the Rebbe says that if she makes a aflata, if she makes a firm resolution, and really firm resolution, he emphasized in the letters real, that she is going to live her life according to Torah and Mitzvahs, Hashem sends her Shidduch because she is the Akeret Habayit. The entire conduct of the house goes according to the way that she does things. And so if she makes a firm aflata, a firm resolution that she's gonna run her house in a Torah way, Hashem sends her, her Shidduch. Now, in the Shir itself, after the Shir, uh, by word of mouth, and also believe it or not, in comments, you can leave comments on these podcasts. In comments on the podcast, I got the same question over and over again, which was, "Can we do a version of this for men?" These are all answers the Rebbe gave women. Can we do a version of does the Rebbe have a consistent Segula for men who are looking for

01:00 Speaker 1 a Shidduch? And the answer is yes. The Rebbe has a very consistent thing that he says to men looking for a Shidduch, and it's not the same thing at all. I, I will also note that for whatever reason, this was our, I think, second most popular Shir ever, the, uh, the-- as far as our podcast, uh, analytics went. So peop- people love this Shidduch stuff. So, uh, both because the numbers like it and because people keep on asking for it, we are not going to do a letter from exactly fifty years ago. We're going to do a series of letters that all look at the Rebbe's recurring advice for young men, as opposed to young women, that was last year, young men who are looking for a Shidduch. And we are going to find that the Rebbe says the same thing across years over and over again, a Segula for Shidduchim. Without further ado, this letter is Beis Tav Samech He. It's from the year Taf Shin Lamed Daled. The top thing was the indicator. And here the Rebbe says, "Shalom HaBracha." The Rebbe says, "V'main Ma'chtavam viv Adar Rishon." I'm responding to your letter from the sixth day of Adar Rishon. "B'kesiv shegi'a la'inas Hashidduchim." You've reached the time of Shidduchim. "Ve'adain lenimtza atsa amatim bashvilei mitztaim eza." You still haven't found your mate, and this is causing you great pain. So a boy writes to the Rebbe saying, "I'm in the Parsha, as they say, and I haven't found my match, and I'm

02:04 Speaker 1 greatly pained by this." The Rebbe writes to him, "Hini yadu ma'amar hazal." You should know that Chazal say, "Shekasah zavgam kriat yam suf." It's as difficult to match two people as it is to split the sea. "Haria dua sheb'kriat yam suf ba'al pi la'adei chezek habitachon ve'emuna bashem yisbarach." And splitting of the sea, when what merit did God split the sea for us? In the merit of our trust and our faith, our bitachon and our emunah in Hashem Yisbarach, in Hashem. "She'meila muvan shevederech kazet tzarchich li et gam kemin nazlivugam." So this makes it clear that this has to be the status-- this has to be the way that we do things also when it comes to Shidduchim. If a Shidduch, if a match is the same thing as splitting the sea, then the way that you get to splitting the sea is the way you get to a match. And that is the way we got to splitting of the sea is trust and faith in Hashem. So the way we get a match is through trust and faith in Hashem. "B'chal sheyiz chazak b'bitchona," the more you strengthen your trust in Hashem. "Muvan shev'yach nimzeh parei tzarch gam kem l'chapes bevin hamatim." As long as you're also looking, the Rebbe says make a clear you can't, you can't not go to the shadchan, not look for a match and expect that having more trust will just make the match happen. But as long as you're putting in the baseline effort necessary to find

03:01 Speaker 1 a mate, then all you really need to do is strengthen your trust in Hashem. "Ve'ari tuktam gam ken ababa pail." This will cause the action to, the action to result. You will end up finding your mate. So step one, the Rebbe says, strengthen your faith in Hashem and a shameless plug for our other Shir, uh, for many of-- one of our many other Shiurim, Yeshar Bitachan, where we're learning now how to strengthen our trust in Hashem. But then the Rebbe says this, "Yadu ma'amar hazai." You should know what it says in the Zohar. "Hakadosh, baruch hu, stal ka ba'arai s'bara alma," that Hashem looked into the Torah and from the Torah made the world. "Chen olam kipshotei," that is literally the world. "Vehen ko pratei chayim sha-shel ha-adam, ani keledem katan." That is, that God looked into the Torah to make the world, and he also looked in the Torah to make all of the details in the life of a person. Everything in my life comes from Torah. "V'meila, al dl'hes bi'limud hein b'torah nigla hein b'torah s'chasidis, vashem yisbarach yatzlichu." So if you want to find a Shidduch, you should learn more Torah, Nigla the Torah, and Chasidus. This second piece of advice the Rebbe gives here, that a person who wants to find a Shidduch, a boy specifically who wants to find a Shidduch, that the Segula for that is learning more Torah, and specifically Nigla and Pnimiyus HaTorah and Chasidus of the Torah, is something we're going to see the Rebbe

04:03 Speaker 1 says again and again and again. That for young women, the Segula for finding a Shidduch seems to be recurring. The most, the most common recurring one for young women is that they should make a firm aflata that they're going to build their houses on the basis of Torah and Mitzvahs. And when it comes to young men, the most, the, the most, uh, the most recurring Segula that the Rebbe gives for them if they want to find their Shidduch is an increase in their Torah study. We have another letter over here. Let me prove it. I've claimed it. Let me prove it. This letter is Gimel Lamed. The letter is Tav Shin Tes Vav is the year that it was, the year that it was written. And, uh, the Rebbe writes here-- Excuse me, I was wrong. It's Gimel Lamed Alef. I was looking at the top of the page. Gimel Lamed Alef is the letter, and it's also from, of course, Tav Shin Tes Vav. And the Rebbe writes, "V'main ma'chtava," I'm responding to your letter. "Harei kima kasaseh askira al hatziyan shel kavan kiddush Hashem l'cha medach hamedmer," with all the honorifics after his name. Of course, as your request goes, I'm going to, uh, I'm going to mention everything you need by the tziyan of the . That you should have, uh, "Leziv hektev b'gashmiyus u'v'ruchniyus," you should find a good match in physicality and spirituality. "Gam yachad b'chalav," find both of them at the-- b- that they should-- uh, the match should

05:06 Speaker 1 be good in spiritual and physical together, and you should find one very soon. "Rav hima ma'amar hazal." Look at what Chazal say in Kiddushin. "Odei chayim im isha shemedava b'limud ha-Torah." That person should see life with his wife. That means that he should learn Torah. "V'gam mikri yetzim dipshutei." And also the Torah does not depart from its simple interpretation. "Ari ki sheyes b'limud ha-Torah," when a person increases in their Torah study, "Tikaref hesafa zu inyan azivu gam ken," this will also bring you a match. "Baav shekim ha-mitzvot b'chlah v'limud ha-Torah b'frat tzarchich li et b'kabbalah s'ol." Even though it's true, in general, you shouldn't learn Torah and Mitzvahs so that you can get a match. You should do it because you-- because God said so. "B'kabbalah s'ol m'nei zehu b'ritetz she'Malach Malchei Melachim lachem Hakadosh, Baruch Hu." Only doing Torah and Mitzvahs because God, who is the King of Kings, told you to. "B'chal zeh yedua she'ish l'cha achas achas b'mitzvot ha-Torah skulim yiuchades." Despite the fact that you should do mitzvahs only for the right reasons, it is well known that every single mitzvah in the Torah is attached to a specific Segula, that certain things are Segula for certain things. A person puts on tefillin, it protects them from their enemies. The Rebbe says, "Frat zeh ash eches limud ha-Torah na al apiya amur b'maseches Kiddushin sham." The Rebbe says, "If you want to know what the Segula, uh, what, what l- limud ha-Torah, in the mitzvah of learning Torah, what that is

06:08 Speaker 1 a Segula for, it's for Shidduchim." So if a boy wants to find a Shidduch, he should learn Torah. What the Rebbe is saying here is just a really interesting general point. The Rebbe says that every single mitzvah has, uh, every single mitzvah has two qualities to it. First of all- A person should do it simply because God told them to, but also they should know that every mitzvah is a segulah for something. Every mitzvah can also give you a specific outcome that you're looking for in this world. And it says the Rebbe-- this is, this is big deal. The Rebbe says that the Limud HaTorah, the mitzvah of learning Torah, it specifically activates the shidduch, the, the, the shidduch light. It makes men get shidduchim. So a person should learn Torah. He brings this from a Gemara Masechet Kidushin, which says, uh, that the pasuk, "When you see life, that will-- see life with your wife," that means you should learn more Torah. So he says based on this Gemara Masechet Kidushin that, uh, that learning Torah is specifically a segulah for men to find their shidduch. The Rebbe goes on. We have more letters like this. This letter is this one over here. This is letter tuf, tuf, kuf, hey, and we're just looking at the last paragraph of it. I'll zoom in a little so you can see better. Here the Rebbe writes, "Ma shemazkim bechtavah al davar achiv habechir mar..." You write about your brother, Mr. So-and-So. "Sheyechi yeshu kvar begil shloshiim

07:14 Speaker 1 shanah." He's thirty years old. "Velo yitzlich b'nisui ve'aratah." He's thirty years old, and he isn't married yet. "Hine yomer lei." You should tell him the following. "Sheyikahve lei shiur betorah bechol yom vyom." He should establish Torah study sessions every single day. "Ve'al achas kama vekama bi yom haShabbos kodesh." And certainly he should-- he should be studying Torah in a fixed way on Shabbos. "Yeyshtadell bemeheitz veyichpus shidduch hamatim lefanav." Of course, he also has to try very hard to find a shidduch, make a g'lee. "Vi yizkar ma mer'azal," and you should remember what Hazal say. "Asher isha, asher isha anahagas baalas imah shetsrich lehiot leyes bin chusa. Vechoos k'viyis itim l'Torah yaaze l'imtzah isha hamatima lefanav. Vi im yesnai be'efen anah, yiten Hashem Yeitbarach sheyahal-- sheyitbarach sheyahal zivug in yafa, zivug kayama veyitbarach be'darish yishar im yevarech." So once again, the Rebbe's advice is that if he sets aside times for Torah study, specifically k'viyis itim l'Torah, that is that he establishes firmly times for his Torah study, Hashem will give him-- Hashem will, uh, will help him to find the woman who is appropriate for him. So we have here a third letter where the Rebbe's main advice to somebody who's struggling to find a shidduch, this boy's thirty years old, and he hasn't found a shidduch yet. The Rebbe says that the, uh, that if he's-- if he establishes fixed times for Torah study during the week and on Shabbos, he will find his proper shidduch. I have another one for you. This letter

08:23 Speaker 1 is daled, shin, ayin, hey, and this one is from the year Tav Shin Tes Zayin. We're gonna go all the way down to the bottom of the letter just to see this point down here. The Rebbe writes, "Yehi ratzon." See over here where my mouse is? "Ve yehi ratzon," should be God's will. "Sheyivas hateiv bekarov hahanhagah levinyan bais isroel binyan adad." Hashem said-- the Rebbe says it should be Hashem's will that you will find a match for a permanent household, a Binyan Adad, a Jewish home among the Jewish people. "V'hakedem lezeh," and even before that, "Derach k'viyis belimud pnimiyus haTorah." If you set aside time for pnimiyus haTorah, for studying the secrets of the Torah, for studying Chassidus. "K'vis kamarabbenu zakkon ba'al haTanya yesh olchanach k'viyah bizman k'viyah benefesh," and that is a k'viyah and zman which is a k'viyah benefesh. That is, that it's not just that I have fixed times for Torah study, but I have fixed p-place in my soul for daily Torah study, specifically the study of Chassidus. "Asher ha, asher haMaseya leha." This-- the Rebbe writes, "HaMaseya leha." This helps with that. That is, the study of Pnimiyus haTorah specifically. Deciding that you're going to set fixed times for the study of Chassidus will help with the other thing, that is, finding a shidduch. "Vi own Eruvin nun gimel amod beis alatz binara shne pidushim asher shayeich lazel hazeh." He says to look in Eruvin and in Kidushin. The Kidushin one we already saw. The Eruvin one we're going to

09:31 Speaker 1 have to take a look. So the Rebbe says in Kidushin it says, "Orei chaimim isha" is about learning Torah. Let's see what it says in Eruvin. The Gemara in Eruvin is very interesting. I brought it up on your screen. Gemara Masechet Eruvin says this. It's Eruvin fifty-three B. "Amar lei Rabban on l'Rebbe Abou." They're going through how people used to say things in hints, how they used to use wordplay. So Rabban said to Rebbe Abou, "Hatzfineinu heichon Rebbe Eli tzafun." They would ask him, "Can you tell us where Rebbe Eli is hiding?" Rebbe Eli hadn't shown up to the Beis Midrash. It was late in the day. Uh, he missed Shacharit. So they asked him, uh, I'm sure he didn't miss Shacharit, but you know what I mean. He was late to the Beis Midrash, so they asked Rebbe Abou, "Can you reveal to us where, where Rebbe Eli is hiding?" "Amar lahen." He said back to them, "Al atz binara aharonis." Uh, I think it's-- I think those two words should be flipped. "Al atz binara aharonis." Anyway, the pasuk is that, uh, "Al atz binara aharonis," and then he would say, "Aharay-- aharonis eironis b'nitaru." That means that the aharonis, um, was active and kept him awake. So this can mean one of two things. "Amar la, isha." This could mean that he married a woman from Aron, from the tribe of Aron. He married a, a bas Kohen or a bas Levi, and she is very active, and she kept him awake.

10:37 Speaker 1 And because she kept him awake, he's now not able to -- he's now, uh, he's, he's now sleeping in because he was up late with his wife. "Vamri la, masechta." And some say that this meant a masechta, that he was learning something in Kodshim, which is the Aharonis. That is the section about Aron. "Eironis." It was very, very difficult and very intriguing, so he had to look into it with incredible depth. It kept him busy. "B'natau," and then he stayed up all night. So now he's stayed up all night learning Kodshim, learning the Inyanim of Aron, of Aron HaKohen, and therefore he stayed up all night. "Amar la, masechta. Amar la, isha." But the point is that Eruvin says that you can, you can, uh, you can flip around the same words to say he found the perfect mate and to say he got really into the masechta that he was learning. So the Rebbe says this is a proof that somebody who learns in incredible depth will find the wife that they need because the wordplay here allows us to read a line about finding the perfect wife and finding the perfect masechta as being the same thing. So once again, we have advice from the Rebbe that if somebody, if a boy wants to find a shidduch, needs to set aside more times for Torah study. And the Rebbe says specifically here, "Pnimiyus haTorah." I have one more letter to show you on this point, and this is daled, reish, vav. This is

11:39 Speaker 1 from the year Tav Shin Tes Zayin. Have to make sure I found the right spot. Here we go. "Maana mechtavim yud daled adar." I'm responding to your letter from the fourteenth of Adar, which took a while to get here, he says. Um, and I'm going to, of course, mention you by the Uh, specifically your son, dot, dot, dot, schlita. That he should have-- he should find a good match in physicality and spirituality together. Excuse me. Of course, please get involved in Torah because then Hashem will help you. I do wanna point out that almost every letter we've read about this, the Rebbe has said, "I'm gonna give you a segula, but don't forget to actually try to find a shadchut. Because if you don't try, it doesn't work." You have to have-- you have to make a clear, you have to try. And then in addition to trying, let me tell you the segula. The Rebbe's advice, if this boy wants to get married, he should set aside time every single day for learning Chassidus, for learning Pnimis HaTorah, which is the neshamah of the Torah. Increases the life force, the chayis, in all things having to do with people. Also with Torah mitzvahs. Generally speaking, learning Chassidus removes the . It removes the, uh, the limitations, the hidden-- it, it, it, it, uh, it reveals that which is hidden in this world, the goodness hidden in the world and in our lives. As the Alter Rebbe explains in Igrot HaKodesh and in the twenty-sixth

13:03 Speaker 1 epistle, as they say, . "Ah, the father's in trouble." He said, uh, "The truth is, it's a father's job to find a shadchut for his son. So if the boy's having trouble finding a shadchut, the boy needs to learn more Torah, and so does the father, whose job it is to find a shadchut for his son. So they both should set aside extra time for Torah study, and that is the segula for the boy finding a shadchut." So now we have kind of a segula on a segula, is that if a-- if we have a-- if we have any fathers here who are worried about their sons finding a shadchut, the way to help your son find a shadchut is to increase in your Torah study, and the boy himself also should increase in his study of Torah. And of course, once again, the Rebbe says that this krias, that he's firmly setting aside time for Torah study, is not just every da- every day the same time, that at nine thirty he's studying Torah. It's also krias benefesh, that it should be established in his soul, and the Rebbe gives him a bracha. So we've now seen across one, two, three, four, five different letters, the Rebbe giving the same advice over and over again, that if we want a boy to find a shadchut, the advice, the most consistent advice-- And I'm gonna show you in a second. The Rebbe does occasionally give other pieces of advice. This one is by far the

14:04 Speaker 1 most consistent. You find it by far in the most letters. If we're just doing by volume, the Rebbe's most typical advice for a boy trying to find a shadchut, without a doubt, is an increase in krias itim latera, more set-- uh, setting aside time to study Torah, specifically Pnimis HaTorah. Um, in some of these later letters, it should be krias bismana, krias benefesh. Uh, this is the Rebbe's go-to advice. Now, I do wanna show you, I put together a document over here from some books on the topic where, uh, just a couple excerpts from letters where the Rebbe gives other pieces of advice. So I'm gonna show you a few other ones, but without a doubt, I really do want you to, uh, ta-- make that the take-home message. The Rebbe's main advice for girls is to, uh, is to make a halacha, that they're going to build their house on Torah mitzvahs. The main advice for boys is that they, is that they start learning more Torah. However, we have a few others here. There's one that'll find us in, uh, in Igros, uh, Chelek Yod. This would be in the tenth volume on page reish nun tes, the Rebbe wrote at least once or twice. And spreading, spreading Chassidus is a way to, uh-- Spreading Chassidus to people who don't know Chassidus yet is a way, is a segula for a shadchut the Rebbe writes here. By teaching Torah to-- teaching Chassidus to people who don't know it, and also following in its

15:09 Speaker 1 paths. The hidden parts of the Torah, Chassidus, it creates a marriage between the Jewish people and God, and therefore it should also help you find your shadchut. And the Rebbe writes this in beautiful words. It's on the screen if you'd like to read it. That's not entirely different from what we've been saying up until now, which is the Torah is the segula. But here the Rebbe is saying specifically teaching, not just krias itim, but teaching Chassidus to people who don't know Chassidus already is a segula for people who are interested in a shadchut. We have another one here in being involved in a mosad from the Rebbe. This is in, uh, Igros Chelek Yod Dalet, page eighty-five. Excuse me, that's-- is that a-- I think that's a girl. Yeah, I promised I was only gonna do boy ones. We're skipping this one. I'm getting rid of it. I'm getting rid of it. I promised only boys this time. You should explain to the boy. Right, this one. Um, this is one we actually saw in a previous year, which is that when an older sibling has mechila, when an older sibling says to his younger sibling, "You can get married before me, it's fine, I mechil," that this is a segula for the older sibling to get married. So we have that, it's in a Ksav Veyad, but it's actually in a lot of letters, that an older sibling being mevater is a great-- is another segula for a boy getting married. And then last

16:18 Speaker 1 one I have here is bitachon. I will remind you, the first letter we read also said strengthening bitachon is a way to bring a shadchut. There's a letter that is exclusively about that. If you want that letter, that is in Igros Kodesh, volume nineteen, page tuf chuf zayin, uh, where the Rebbe again writes that if you want to be, uh, if you want to be involved in something like a shadchut, which is shai is l'krias Yam Suf, you're going to need to be involved in bitachon, which is a way to bring krias Yam Suf. So once again, here the Rebbe says that it's very important to strengthen your trust in Hashem, and this is another way to make sure that you will find your shadchut. But despite the fact that we have bitachon here and there, we have, uh, we have mechila here and there, vitor, we have a chafetz hayimanos here and there, we really do have a very recurring theme. We're, we're, we're always looking for a shita in this year. The recurring shita of the Rebbe in all of these letters when it comes to finding a shadchut for a boy is that the boy and anybody who's interested in the boy finding a shadchut, specifically the father who has that same chiyuv, should be strengthening in Torah study, specifically krias itim latera. Okay, thank you very much.

17:12 Speaker 2 Comment?

17:13 Speaker 1 Yeah.

17:14 Speaker 2 Um, just on, on the last two things about the chafetz and I picked up the girl one of Chinuch. Both of those are things that the person was already doing. The Rebbe's telling them that your chassid of doing these things should help you. But it doesn't seem like the Rebbe, from the trend, the Rebbe's actually saying, "Hey, go do a chafetz hayimanos as a segula." He's saying, "You're asking for a bracha. You're, you're involved in a chafetz hayimanos. This should be a chassid for you as well." But not that-- It seems that the proactive ones seem to be emunah and, and Torah.

17:40 Speaker 1 You're totally right, and that, that actually, that, that strengthens our thesis, that these other ones are kind of throwaways. Yeah. And that the main one is, uh, is bitachon and Torah, and really Torah over bitachon. Really looks like it's a strong Torah, strong Torah bias. Yeah.

17:54 Speaker 2 Chaya.