אתם לא צודקים במאה אחוז

00:00 Speaker 1 This is Igress. We are looking at a letter from about fifty years ago. It is the letter that is labeled "Yud-tuf-tuf-kuf-sadiq-zion." It's from Cheshvan. Um, I didn't-- I cut off the date when I copied it over, so I forget what date of Cheshvan. So hey, maybe it is exactly fifty years ago, and as you will note, it is one of our Russian letters. It's letters entirely in Russian. I don't read Russian, you don't read Russian, and fortunately, almost nobody reads Russian. So they put it in a Targum Khatshi in Lashon HaKodesh at the bottom of the Igress. So in Igress, although, um, Yiddish letters are kept in Yiddish and Hebrew letters are kept in Hebrew, any letters sent in other languages are always translated, at least with a free translation into Hebrew for the reader. So we have here a Hebrew translation of the letter, and the letter goes like this. The Rebbe says, "I received your letter very late. Here is my answer." First of all, he's going to mention his name by the Tzion of the Frieda Kadeba. Excuse me. The Rebbe says he's gonna mention his name by the Frieda Kadeba, and also he gives him a bracha that God should give him, uh, besuras toevos, good news about everything that he writes. Here, as you can tell by my notes, is the part we're gonna be focusing on today. He says, "Apparently the-- there, there's been misbehavior among certain people." I looked around. We don't have context for this letter, at

01:15 Speaker 1 least not that's been published yet. Uh, we don't know exactly what the letter was about. It's not in any of the other books. But this person had written to the Rebbe about some sort of untoward behavior among the people that he worked with, people around him. Sounds like maybe around teenagers he was working with from a different, uh, from a different place. Sounds like that might be it, but unclear. Anyway, people are not acting appropriately. Says, "In cases like this, we look for a neutral party. We try to find a neutral party who can help resolve disputes." "A neutral person can hear the depths of the two sides." Because when it comes to what Chazal say, that a person is . This is going to be the key phrase of the entire year, so don't forget it. You've heard it before. It means a person is biased about themselves. But what it really means, actually, in a traditional legal sense, is that a person has the status of a by himself. That is, that a person is considered their own relative in Halakha, so they can't be trusted the same way you can't trust a brother to testify about his brother. You can't really trust a person to talk about himself. So of course, in the vernacular though, in the normal slang of, uh, of Torah discussion, means people are biased about themselves. They can't, uh, they have tunnel vision when it comes to themselves. We are so close to ourselves, so related to ourselves,

02:26 Speaker 1 so biased in our own favor, sometimes a person can be so close to themselves, so biased, that they have no doubt they are one hundred percent correct. Ever met somebody like that before? Better question, ever been somebody like that before? That's the better answer. Is that of course, in some ways, we're one hundred percent sure we're correct and we can't see room for anybody else. And the reason for that is because . Not surprised. A person could appear-- it could appear to him that he's one hundred percent correct and that he has no doubt about this. So maybe not a hundred percent because this comes with a second which is . So the Rebbe has two notes here. Note number one is that you need to talk to a third party when you think you're one hundred percent right, because if you think you're one hundred percent right in an argument, first of all, you're not-- usually not, and second of all, for the second reason the Rebbe brings here, um, bringing two people close together and solving these sorts of disputes, which of course requires recognizing you're not one hundred percent correct about everything, will bring Shalom K'dava L'vavos to everybody. Main point of our letter, people are in a dispute. One side's sure they're one hundred percent correct. That's natural. It doesn't mean that they have a personality flaw, really. That's what humans are. We as by nature you're gonna think you're one hundred percent correct in an argument. So the Rebbe's advice

03:45 Speaker 1 is seek an outside party. But first of all, even before seeking an outside neutral party, come to a basic realization, which is that if you find yourself convinced you're one hundred percent right about something, especially in an argument with another person, odds are this is a betrayal of your own internal biases. We're going to look at this today as an approach the Rebbe takes with a lot of letters. Uh, it's a, it's a recurring theme, and I'll tell you when it's a recurring theme. If you write to the Rebbe about somebody else doing something wrong, this is almost always the answer you get. You know, we try to find shitas in these letters, not just one-off letters. You will find that almost every time somebody writes to the Rebbe complaining about someone else, whether it's complaining about a complaining about their spouse, complaining about a friend, complaining about a situation in Yeshiva, the Rebbe's go-to reply that "I don't like how somebody's acting" is "I haven't heard the other side, and odds are you're not telling me the whole story, and odds are you're not even telling yourself the whole story, because odds are you see the story as being one hundred percent in your favor, and that's just not the way most situations are. They have some nuance." We're gonna look at a couple examples. The examples are examples that prove a rule. There were many letters that I left on the cutting floor today. Before we get to that though, I wanted to

04:45 Speaker 1 show you, this is a letter from the Rebbe that just has a little bit of Torah in it. And again, because I cut off the top page, I told you this is a major disadvantage of using these volumes now and not the, uh, the Chabad library links, is that I don't always have the, uh, the volume in front of me. So I don't remember what volume this is from. Uh, let me see. Is it in a footnote? Maybe. It looks like it's from the year-- It is from volume Chav Zion. It's from the year Tushun Lamed Alef through Tushun Lamed Beis, and you'll find it in that book on page three ninety-six. But exactly where it is, I'm not sure. Anyway, the Rebbe writes here, it's just a Dvar Torah, but it, uh, just a Dvar Torah. It's from the Rebbe, but it's, uh, it, it explains kind of the basis for this. The Rebbe says So you know there's three kinds of Torah rules. There is Chukim, which are things that we don't understand at all. There are Mishpatim, the stuff that we do understand. There's Edot. Edot are things that we understand, but the reason is not because they're logical. The reason is because we're trying to remember something. They're memorials. So for example, we celebrate Pesach. Why? Not because it's logical and not because it's illogical, because it is a memory that the-- a, a memorialization of the fact that we left Egypt.

05:41 Speaker 2 Commemorative. Commemorative.

05:43 Speaker 1 Commemorative. Thank you. Commemorative. That's a good one. Although Edot really isn't about commemoration, and if you wanted to get Drushi, what you would say is that the world goes around commemorating things like July fourth, uh, when a Yid does something, it's never commemorative. It's an Edot. It's a testimony. "I hereby testify this happened." But that, of course, is not the direction I'm going right now. Here's what Mishpatim are. They're logical. Why do we care that they came at Sinai? So we're always stressing in the Torah, Chukim and Mishpatim both came from Sinai. Who cares that Mishpatim came from Sinai? Why give them at Sinai? Why does Hashem have to give us Mishpatim? Why doesn't Hashem give us Chukim and let us figure out our own Mishpatim? Because we s-- we know and we see explicitly. Even when you find something that everyone logically agrees with, I don't know what's that word doing there. Adney Emunah, I guess. But Hashem is-

06:35 Speaker 2 Adney, Adney, like the Adney in the Mishkan. No?

06:38 Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what, that's what it means. That makes more sense. Like the Adney of the Mishkan. So on the basis of-- On the basis of faith in Hashem Yisbarach Hu, Yisadah, and Hashem who is blessed and exalted, Boreh Olam Hanhega, the creator of the world, and the one who runs it, Hashgacha Protis, in a very specific way, watching over every detail. Asher Yisadesa Ba-Al Ha-- Be-Halacha Mesora, Lanu Min Sinai, that are based on Halacha and are given us in Sinai. Afilu SheYislofu Min Hakatzah LaKatzah Har'e Adam Kad Ve'Etz La'atzmi. Ve'Ad K'Day L'imer Al Tzadik Rasha V'Al Rasha Tzadik. Says here, "You think they're a Mishpatim, but the fact is they're not Mishpatim." There's no such thing as Mishpatim in s-in the-- in society at large. Because even if we all agree to the logic of a certain thing, and we all agree to the morality of a certain thing, and tell me you don't see this in the news this time this time around, even if in theory we all agree to the logic and the morality of a certain principle, you can still get in your own head and convince yourself that what's right is wrong and what's wrong is right. So it's important that, uh, Mishpatim came down from Hashem because of Adam Kad Ve'Etz La'atzmi. The fact is that it is a, it is a known trait. It's a trait we have to be on the lookout for, that we are always biased, and we are so biased that we will take

07:36 Speaker 1 things that logically, objectively would never have said we are right or we are wrong and spin them in the other direction. That's just a Halakhic basis, a Torah basis. Let's look at some of the letters I promised you. Uh, and I think I put them in the order I want. Okay, so this first one is, the letter is Gimel Tav Kuf Mem Aleph. It's from the year Tav Shin Tes Vav, from Tes Vet Sivan. And the Rebbe writes here, Shalom Uvracha. He's writing about an argument that's going on at a Beis Din Chabad. It's at one of the Tamach Tedeks, I think. Um, but in any event, it doesn't really say the details on the bottom about who was having this argument. An argument with a Beis Din Chabad. So he says, "I'm responding to the letter that you wrote to me at the end of, uh, Erev, uh, Erev Shavuos." It says in Hilchas Chanukah that the entire Torah-- from Ramam, that the entire Torah was given in order to make peace in the world. The whole point of the Torah is Shalom. The Rebbe goes on to say, "It sounds like you don't have Shalom over there." I'm gonna cut a paragraph so we can keep on moving. Sounds you don't-- Sounds like you don't have so much Shalom at that Beis Din. The Rebbe writes, In addition to everything I just said, every person is biased about themselves. A person is always Negeah Bedavar, another word for bias. There's a rule that

08:52 Speaker 1 right? If you give a bribe to a judge, he's gonna be biased in your favor. You are your-- You are a judge who is always biased in your favor. The love that you have for yourself is a bribe, says the Rebbe. It's like giving yourself a bribe, the love that everybody has for themselves. So they just cannot be-- They're not impartial judges of any situation involving themselves. You'll find this in Gemara. You'll find the greatest Amora'im. They are worried about this. So fir-- he says here, "Don't say, 'Look, I'm a big Rav. I'm very, very special. So not-- It's beneath my Kovod to say that I'm not objective.'" Says the Rebbe, "The Gemara says that it's not objective. The Amora'im say they're not objective. It's no loss of Kovod for you to admit that you're not an objective player." That you can also apply this to yourself. A person should accept the fact that even if they're a very big rabbi and even if they're a very, very honorable person, a judge themselves, they should accept the fact that when it comes to themselves, the, the situation might not be the way that it appears to them. So then the Rebbe says, Even if you're gonna tell me you're one hundred percent correct, which as you saw from my other letter, is almost never the case. He says, "Even if you're gonna tell me you've really reviewed the situation objectively, which you can't, and that you've concluded you're one hundred percent right, Okay. He says

10:14 Speaker 1 that when it comes to, uh, running a Beis Din, you're going to need to get other people involved to help, you're going to need advice. On one hand, there can only be one person in charge of an institution, but on the other hand, he's going to need to ask for advice from other people. Uh, we saw this-- I don't know if we saw this particular letter, but we saw this Inyan throughout the Rebbe's work when it comes to Beis Dins, that although there should be only one person in charge of a Beis Din, that person must listen to counsel from other people. So when it comes to this Beis Din that he appeared to be in an argument with, you've gotta understand that even though they are humans, you do have to listen to them because there has to be authority somewhere. We can't have a situation where no Beis Din has any said. Especially when it comes to a holy Beis Din because the Yetzer Hara is constantly trying, looking out for us situations to flip things over. The Rebbe has basically two pieces of advice here. What we have is we have an individual who is in an argument with a Beis Din, and the individual is in an argument with the Beis Din. First of all, says the Rebbe, "You're complaining about, about the Beis Din. Let me tell you, first of all, you're complaining about the Shul, complaining about the school, complaining about whatever you're complaining about. First of all, you're

11:17 Speaker 1 probably wrong. You're probably not one hundred percent right because no matter how special you are, you're biased in your own favor." Says the Rebbe, "Second of all, though, look, your input is valued and people are supposed to listen to your input, but at the end of the day, a Shul, a school, a Jewish institution needs to put its foot down and say that a rule is going to be a rule even though they are-- even though they are mortals, even though they are limited, and even though they might be making mistakes, and the entire system will break if we don't have somebody in charge. And you might think you're right, and you might think you're one hundred percent right, and even if you think you're one hundred percent right, you're gonna have to give in to what the Beis Din wants because at the end of the day, the Beis Din needs to stand, and the Yetzer Hara tries very hard to break Beis Dins and make individuals think that they're right and the Beis Din's wrong, and that's something you gotta be on the lookout for." So we have kind of two pieces of advice here. First of all, be more objec-- You can't be any more objective. Um, you're not gonna be objective. It's about yourself, so just be aware that you're not going to have the objective truth when you are personally offended. And second of all, when it's you versus the Beis Din, guess who wins? The Beis Din should win

12:09 Speaker 1 almost always. An individual-- I don't believe I ever saw a letter where an individual complained about a Beis Din and the Rebbe said, "Okay, the Beis Din's wrong, the individual wins." This doesn't happen. Uh, but the Rebbe's reason it doesn't happen is twofold. First of all, because the Yetzer Hara is always trying to break a Beis Din, and second of all, because the individual is sure he's right. You're, you're, you're not, you're not right. If you're sure you're right, then you're involved, and if you're involved, there's a bias involved. This is, uh, very reflective of the letters of the Rebbe-

12:32 Speaker 2 Doesn't that cut both ways, though? I get the, I get the logic, "If you're always right, you're never right" kind of thing. But doesn't that cut both ways? Do both parties are really believe they're right, therefore they're not right?

12:42 Speaker 1 Yeah. That's, that's exactly what-- That's a good question. It's exactly what the Rebbe is saying in this paragraph over here. In the second paragraph, he's saying, "Even if it turns out you're right and they're wrong, we've gotta pick a side, and the side I'm gonna pick is the mosad. They have a bunch of people advising them, and you're just one of the advisors in this group. And the group together, even though they might be making a mistake, we've gotta choose the strength of the mosad over you being right. So even if you're right, even in that you're right, I'm gonna choose the mosad," says the Rebbe here. "I'm still gonna choose the mosad." But, uh, but, uh, certainly it's, uh, it's given that you're not one hundred percent right. You might be ninety-eight percent right, but you're not gonna be one hundred percent right. And even if you're right, I'm choosing the mosad. That's what he's saying in that second paragraph. Um-

13:16 Speaker 2 Does that, does that go away if, like, you have a multitude of individuals that, that share your view or is it-

13:22 Speaker 1 Yes, it-- Yes, it does. Yes, it does. That's why we have a whole-- If you look back, it's one of our earlier shiur and we have a whole shiur, we have a whole shiur on, uh, on what to do when the mosad-- when the, when multiple players in the mosad disagree with each other. And there the Rebbe wants, uh, wants something like a majority rule. He does say you have to listen to advisors. There were a lot of, uh, shluchim specifically wrote to the Rebbe saying, "I'm the balabos over my shluchas. I'm not listening to anybody." And the Rebbe thrashed them. He said, "No, no, no, you have to have a board. You have to have people you consult with. You might be wrong." So no, uh, if there's, if there's multiple voices calling for something, that's different. But when it's one guy against the whole mosad, I don't know the Rebbe ever takes the side of the individual. If he does, it would be an exception to a general rule, which is that, first of all, you're probably not one hundred percent right, and second of all, um, the mosad needs to stand and needs to be strong, and your complaints are not going to stand up against them. Uh, I'm sure there are exceptions. I'm sure there are exceptions, but this is, uh, very reflective of a general shitah of the Rebbe when it comes to dealing with individuals who are angry at mosdos in general. We have another letter over here. This

14:16 Speaker 1 is from, uh, the year Taf Shin Yod Zayin. The letter is Yud Daled Tav Tav Nun Aleph. And here we're talking about a marriage. Somebody writes to the Rebbe saying it looks like their marriage is falling apart. You write about . One thing's led to another, that the match isn't working anymore. I'm not sure if it was already married. Maybe it's not a divorce. Maybe means that they were, like, engaged and they might have to break the engagement. I don't know the context of the letter. Again, looked it up and didn't find much. Point is that the relationship is falling apart. I think the is probably a divorce. So because of their argument, uh, they've decided that they're going to go to Beth Din, to the higher courts, probably in Israel, and go and do, and et cetera. We-- Usually, the Rebbe doesn't wanna write unpleasant things, so that probably means they were planning on a divorce. The families are arguing with each other now. She finds herself against him and against his entire family. It's all a big mess. She writes to the Rebbe, "No one agrees with me. I'm right, they're wrong." Guess where the Rebbe's going with this? The Rebbe goes, "I've only heard your side. I haven't heard the other side, so I can't tell you who's right." Excuse me. He says, "Even if you are perfect, a perfect tzadekes who's writing to me." It was a woman, right? Yeah. It was a woman who's writing. "Even if you are a

15:28 Speaker 1 perfect tzadekes and you never get anything wrong, and you are telling me the whole and complete truth," applies to tzadikim too. It applies to anybody. Even a complete person, uh, it will apply to them that they are going to tell the story according to their biases. The Rebbe says, "But you're on the right track. I'm not gonna be able to give you the answer who's right and who's wrong because you're you're only giving me your report. But I do hear that you're going to a Beth Din, because you're going to Beth Din, you're gonna go to Rabbonim, Bali Horav, Nisayon, well-tested and well-taught individuals who are good at teaching and explaining, and they are going to hear the two sides, they're above the argument, and they will be able to tell you objectively who was right and who was wrong." I wish we had more time to read the rest of this letter 'cause it just goes on to say many interesting things. The Rebbe says, uh, the multiple reasons why he thinks maybe they can make peace. So it is a longer letter. I'll send you a copy of it, maybe you can read it in your, in your spare time. It's a really cool letter. But for our purposes, we now have two examples. We have an example of an individual complaining about a mosad, the Rebbe's answer, . We have a spouse complaining about a divorce proceeding, go to Beth Din, they'll figure it out, but I can't tell who's right from

16:32 Speaker 1 this argument. Remember, this isn't just about the argument you're in. This is also important. We're learning the Rebbe's approach, which can also be our approach to hearing an argument. When we hear that two people are arguing, we usually hear one side, and our instinct is to back that side. How could they have done that, right? And the Rebbe's saying here, "I'm not backing anybody because I know that the person reporting to me is never going to be reliable, even if they're trying to be reliable. They simply can't be reliable." This is a really interesting letter over here. This is from the year, uh, Taf Shin Tes Zayin. It's from Chof Bes Zayin. The letter is Daled Tav Ayin Zayin Daled, and then Tav Ayin Zayin. And the Rebbe talks here to a boy, if I got it in the right-- Yep, it's the right one. To a boy in yeshiva, yeshiva, who says that he's having a lot of trouble finding a chavrusa and his chavrusas are not doing such good things. He has chaverim there that aren't acting so appropriately. I have to summarize the first part just in the interest of time, but again, I'll send you copies of all these letters, and you can read through all of them entirely. What's really interesting is near the bottom. The Rebbe says down here that first of all, friends aren't so important at your age. I don't know how old the boy was, but he says, "Friends, chavrusa, is not so important to you."

17:30 Speaker 1 "In your situation, practically ." The ikar-- Excuse me. The Rebbe says, "First of all, your age, the most important thing is not your friends and not your chavrusa. The most important thing is how seriously you personally are studying. Don't look at the rest of the room, look at yourself." "You will not need to look for a friend if you increase your hasmadah and shkedah." Anybody know why he won't have to look for friends if he's, if he's the best guy in yeshiva? 'Cause then people are gonna chase you. They'll wanna be your friend. They'll wanna be in a chavrusa with you. It's true, you're not gonna become a masmid tomorrow, so this might take a little bit of time. You might have a couple months or a year where you are raising your reputation, and in the meantime, you're not gonna have a lot of friends. At that point in time, learn with have a chavrusa. As long as it's with good faith that this is a sta-stage in your life that's going to pass quickly. So the Rebbe's first advice to someone who says he has no friends, no one wants to learn with him is become more appealing. Become more appealing. Become the kind of person who people want to be friends with. If you're chasing, if you're chasing something all the time and you're not a good klie for it, you're doing things backwards, says the Rebbe. I don't have any friends. Good. Become somebody who people wanna be friends with. This

18:42 Speaker 1 is, uh, probably broad advice. I'm not a-- I'm not-- I don't have X, maybe become somebody who-- You know, dress for the job you want, right? Okay. Everything I'm saying though, says the Rebbe, is based on an assumption, that is that you are writing things to me that are one hundred percent correct. But a person is they're biased They're biased. The truth is, it could be that the, the situation is not as you believe it, not as you described. When it comes to, uh, all sorts of terrible things, a person is . Uh, a person can know their sins is what this passage means. A person can know their own sins, and because of their own love, they will hide those sins. They won't see their own problems. Therefore, you need to think again, you need to focus again on thought about the things that have to do with you. Maybe you're doing things that you're not, uh, that you're not mentioning in the letter that you're not even aware of. Maybe if you change yourself a little, at the very least, this might in at least a small way change the problems you're talking about if you look internally a little bit. And he tells him to keep et cetera. Okay, so now we have three examples. We have-- we have a first example from a Mesa. We have an example from a divorce. We have an example from a buffer fighting with his friends. We have one more. We're running a little bit

19:56 Speaker 1 short on time, but I wanna show you this last one if we have a second. Never mind. I don't actually have to show you this last one because it happens to be the same letter unless I just put them out of order. Two seconds. I told you I'd get confused. There we go. Aha, this one. Got it. Our order is still correct. This is from-- this is letter and it is from and the Rebbe writes... This is just a great letter. Here the Rebbe writes, somebody wrote to the Rebbe and said some very nasty things about somebody else. I don't know what they were, obviously. I wish I knew. Said really nasty things and the Rebbe is very unhappy. This should be going to a Rav for you to settle your disputes. Um, what's that other one? would be where you . What's that one? Yeah. Maybe maybe You are not supposed to write this first of all, h-how, how dare you? This should be going to a something, but you are not supposed to write to me that this guy is, is whatever you called him. I don't know what he called him. I can't imagine what you would call somebody else in the letter from the Rebbe. But here the Rebbe says, "Now we're standing on everybody even a perfect Tzadik needs right now in this time. You're writing to me in Elul. It's a time when everybody needs divine mercy, even a Tzadik. And, uh, certainly, uh, God blesses those who-- God,

21:15 Speaker 1 God blesses those who bless others. I can't imagine that in days like this you'd be speaking in the, in the opposite way about a Jew, because if you want a berakhah right now, the way to talk is in a way of blessing other Jews, and you're speaking negatively. When it comes to that applies to everybody, and, uh, he goes on to tell him that, uh, the things that you're worried about, you're worried this guy might take your parnassa. If you really wanna worry about you losing your parnassa, maybe the best way to do it would be to, uh, to lose your parnassa would be to be aggressive in . It's a, it's, it's a strong letter that, uh, again, I'm gonna send you 'cause we don't have time to look at all of it. I just wanna point out our point, which is a fight between two people. The Rebbe once again points out that in addition to the fact that I don't wanna hear you saying nasty things about another person, you're probably not totally right, and this is something that should be laid down in front of a Beth Din, the situation is not for you to just complain about him behind his back. The very last thing I wanna show you is kind of a sweet note to end on, which is that we've talked about how in that I see myself as good, and I'm not usually one hundred percent right. The Rebbe does occasionally flip this in a beautiful way.

22:12 Speaker 1 When people write to the Rebbe saying that they're not so good, the Rebbe frequently will write back, "you're probably a lot better than you think." That the fact you all-- you're not an unbiased judge, you're not a non-biased judge, so you have no right to say you're, you're, you're one hundred percent great. You have no right to say you're one hundred percent rotten. We have this letter from letter is hey-shin-pei. The Rebbe says, You wrote to me at the end of You wrote to me that you're not satisfied with your . You're not satisfied with the effect you're having on your students, you just don't think you're doing very well. Don't forget you're biased. You're not believed to say you're totally right, and you're not believed to say that's the that's the et cetera that I put. So you're not believed to say that you are not doing-- that you are not doing well. So in addition to the fact that we are biased about ourselves in our favor, we also biased about ourselves. Sometimes we're too hard on ourselves. A person needs to understand that they are not an objective-- they're not an, an objective source for how they're doing or for the opposite, for good or for the opposite. And that, of course, this goes back to something we've reinforced many, many times in these shiurim, which is that this really is why you need outside help, uh, in the form of a mashpia, in some cases in disputes, in the form

23:22 Speaker 1 of a Rav in the case of some disputes, with a with a regular Beth Din, at the end of the day, we all need help from the outside because we simply are not non-biased about ourselves, and that if we're sure we're one hundred percent right, we are, uh, we are making some serious mistakes. Thank you all very much. Questions and comments.