Instilling Yiras Shemayim In Your Children: With Rabbi Braun

00:00 Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Zalman Schneer. Welcome to the Everything Chinuch podcast, brought to you by the Menachem Education Foundation. Here, you'll find farbrengens, workshops, live interviews, and more, all to inspire you, the Chabad educator. We hope you enjoy today's episode.

00:24 Speaker 2 Shall we turn?

00:25 Speaker 1 Turn around. All right. Good evening. Good Yom Tov. Thank you all for joining a very special farbrengen shiur Zoom. I want to begin by thanking all the partner schools that have partnered with us to bring this shiur and farbrengen to you. This is part of an ongoing series of webinars that the Menachem Foundation, um, is partnering with mosdos around the country and around the world to bring parents, um, important and rich content. I also want to thank the format of this shiur is a little different than on a usual webinar. Um, when we reached out to Rabbi Brian a few months ago about talking about this idea about instilling Yiras Shamayim in our families, he mentioned that it would be nice if he can have a little bit of a crowd to speak live and have the rest on Zoom. And I want to thank Mrs. Feldman for graciously hosting us to have a small live shiur that we can have the feeling of a real farbrengen, um, brought to you to the comfort of your homes. Um, the shiur is sponsored by somebody who, um, asked for bracha for have nachas, seich nachas from the children, and may Hashem bench them and all of us with brachos ad ledai, especially in raising children with Yiras Shamayim. Our speaker tonight, uh, Brian, needs no introduction. The Morei De-Asra, Chever Bais Din of Crown Heights. Um, we were zecher this summer at the Kinus HaMachonchos. Rabbi Brian spoke about this topic to Machonchos, and it was

02:12 Speaker 1 so popular that we felt that we needed to do a rerun. So here we are. Without further ado, Rabbi Brian. The format will be a shiur farbrengen, and at the end, there'll be a few minutes of questions and answers. If you have any questions, you can mention that in the chat. We'll try to get to your question. Unfortunately, we don't have so much time for question answers. We'll try to get to a few, at least, uh, three or four. Thank you so very much. Without further ado, Rabbi Brian.

02:44 Speaker 2 It's my pleasure to be here tonight. And as was mentioned that tonight is also Yud Dalet Kislev. It's a Yom Tov. It's a day of celebration. Rabbi Schneer mentioned earlier the request that this should not be just a Zoom, but also live. And I think that ties in directly with the theme of instilling Yiras Shamayim. Instilling Yiras Shamayim cannot happen when if it's not live. It has to be passionate, and it has to be real. And if it's a Zoom, I'm using the term Zoom figuratively right now. I'm not actually talking about Zoom. If the whole Yiras Shamayim is just a Zoom, and it's not something that you really-- it's not experiential, then it's very hard to impart that message. In preparing for tonight's webinar, shiur, podcast, farbrengen, I've heard a lot of terms already. So the first thing today, we do AI. So I looked up on AI, what do they have to say about instilling Yiras Shamayim in our children? And it's obvious that there was not much there. Yiras Shamayim doesn't come from AI. So my next second bet was, let me Google it. I'm sure I could find something interesting. So what did I come up with? There's a webinar on instilling Yiras Shamayim with your children from Menachem Education Foundation tonight. And there were a lot of results like that. So I came here to find out what it's all about. If I may say, this is perhaps the most important webinar that you'll ever hear in your life. The

04:02 Speaker 2 theme, I'm not talking about the content. The theme. Im Yirtze Hashem, hopefully the content as well. There's nothing more important for us than instilling, imparting Yiras Shamayim to our children. There's a lot of values that we need to impart in our children. There's some-- chinuch is so all-inclusive, but the first and foremost is the Yiras Shamayim. And let me start with a-- we start a chassidishe farbrengen with a short story. The Rashag, the Rebbe's brother-in-law, found out in the year Taf Shin Yud Tes. He found out that there was a chassid by the name of Reb Zalman Gerari, that this particular chassid has a, a very strong business network happening in Brazil. He really tied connections with a lot of gvirim, with a lot of rich, wealthy, local Brazilian people. So the Rashag asked Reb Zalman Gerari, they're actually dis-- they're relatives. He asked the Rebbe's brother-in-law, who was running at the time the mosdos of Tomchei Temimim. It was on his shoulders to finance the Tomchei Temimim mosdos. "Next time you go to Brazil, can I come along with you on your business trip, and I could somehow schlep in bringing some money?" Naturally, Reb Zalman Gerari was not so excited about the idea about introducing a fundraiser, a donor to his business contacts. But the Rashag kept on asking him again and again and again. So eventually, he said, "Okay, no problem, but I'm making with you..." He made a very daring condition. "If you'll be able to accomplish, your brother-in-law is the

05:26 Speaker 2 Rebbe. When we come back to Brazil, I could go into yechidus, and I could ask for a bracha for whatever I want, no problem. I'll go to Brazil. I'll bring all the gvirim along." So the Rashag said, "Let me ask my brother-in-law. Let me ask the Rebbe." The Rebbe agreed. It was a very unusual, rare type of condition. They went to Brazil to use Reb Zalman Gerari's terms, "Mad gemacht meshugana gelt." We really made crazy amounts of money. The Rashag showed Rebbe pictures of the yeshiva. He showed, uh, pi- students learning, and he got a l- a lot of money. A few days after they came back to New York, the Rashag has already now money to keep the yeshiva going for another good few months. So typically, the Zalman Gerari asked the Rashag, "No, I kept my deal. Schmerel," this is how you called him. "I kept my part of the deal. Now it's your turn to arrange the yechidas." So he arranged a, a, yechidas, and as he walked into yechidas, the Rebbe told him with a smile on his face, the Rebbe said, "Vas vils du betten. Ad chatsi ha-malchus." Ask, "What do you want?" So Reb Zalman became very emotional, and he said he had a boat full of sreida. He himself was on the boat, and he took the sreida from one country to another country. And at some stage, when he wasn't on the boat at the time, the whole boat drowned with all its content, and he lost

06:46 Speaker 2 a f-- crazy amount of money. He asked the Rebbe, "Can we find this boat?" Reb Zalman finished speaking, the Rebbe became very serious, and the Rebbe said-- I'll read it from the text. "Im ho'ota gelegenheit zikh oysbeten vos me vil, davon hobn a sekhel vos du beten." You have an opportunity, you can ask for whatever you want. You need to have brains to know what to ask. And the Rebbe said, "Du darfst beten," you have to ask that your children, your descendants should be Chassidim Yiras Shamayim. They should grow up in the way that our Rebbeim taught us. You came to a yechidas with a deal that you can ask what you want, and you're asking about the business deal that went sour, or didn't go sour, you lost so much money. So Reb Zalman was a clever Jew, and he immediately ‹foreign language› and he said, "Oh, Rebbe, that's what I'm asking for." So the Rebbe said, "Dos vest du hobn." You will have that. The most important thing, if you have an opportunity, is let's have children of Yiras Shamayim. So I'm gonna disappoint you tonight on some level because there's no short tricks. There's no tricks or shortcuts for having our kids become Yiras Shamayim. I'm-- I think we all knew that before we came here. But there are some tricks, I have to say. They just-- they don't do all of it. Many, many years ago, I noticed-- personal anecdote. I noticed in the Darom Malchus, the Darom Malchus zine-- now

08:01 Speaker 2 I got, I don't know, already from some twenty years out. I noticed on the page of Darom-- I think it was in Darom Malchus that I noticed it. They printed a letter, and I think it's there every week, and for some reason, I never noticed it. A letter of the Fridyger Rebbe, where the Fridyger Rebbe writes there's a school of, um, ancient Chassidim, that if you want your kids should not, chas v'shalom, go letar busro. Letar busro means go, chas v'shalom, what we call today OTD, off the path. Say their kapital to them. And it hit me like a, like a, a, a bolt. We do everything that our kids should be on the, uh, on the straight and on the narrow. And here, I've, I've-- right in front of me. I have kan ein hare fifteen children b'li ayin hare. Okay. So it's gonna be another twenty-five minutes a day. It's worth every, every minute. Started saying for the ein klech too. My, my, my son told me, "At your age, you could start saying for ein klech. It's fine." So, so that's a sghula. Obviously, the sghula comes-- everybody looks for sghulas today because that's the easy thing, but it comes together with the whole contents, with the whole package. And the most important thing, obviously, is nothing but you want kids to have Yiras Shamayim, have Yiras Shamayim. If you have Yiras Shamayim, they will have Yiras Shamayim. It's as simple as that. Being a role model for Yiras Shamayim, it sounds

09:16 Speaker 2 like a cliché, a phrase that we heard so many times. It's the truth. It's nothing but the truth. Yiras Shamayim comes from the environment. If there will be Yiras Shamayim in the immediate environment, in the home, it naturally goes over to the kids. It might have its roadblocks, it might have its ups and downs, it might have its struggles, but eventually, it makes a roshem. The Rebbe told someone once in yechidas, "Dein shlichus is," told this to a number of people, "ke'mofés ho'ysi l'rabim." Your mission is be an example for everybody around you. The Gemara says, "Kol mi sheyesh bo yiras Shamayim d'varo nishmo'in." If a person has Yiras Shamayim, people listen to you. Often if we take into account and say, "Why are my kids not listening to me? Why are my students not listening to me? Why are my teachers," if you're a principal, "not listening to me? Why are people in the kehillah not listening to me," if you're a rav? Something's wrong with the person giving the message. "Mi sheyesh bo yiras Shamayim d'varo nishmo'in." If a person has Yiras Shamayim, the people listen to them. So if a person-- Never mind the fact that the dugma chaya aspect, that you're a role model. But if you have Yiras Shamayim, your messages carry weight. People listen to what you say. I was once by a, a, uh, public speaking lecturer. I called-- I ran a, a smicha program for bachurim, and I had someone speaking to them. Uh, they were giving

10:31 Speaker 2 a few tips and seminars for shlichus, whatever it is, and marriage and shalom bayis and all that kind of stuff. In those days, that was considered daring, and I was considered, um, I don't know what, for doing such terrible things, talking to bachurim about shalom bayis. But be that as it may, I had someone talking to them about public speaking. So this individual came, and he spoke to the bachurim, and he asked them, "Give me things that you think are techniques for public speaking." You know, the right way of teaching is not frontal, but everybody being part of it. So somebody says hand motions, facial, uh, contact, eye contact. Oh, tone of voice. Uh, they were giving all these ideas. Okay. They all finished with their ideas. And then this shliach says, "Okay, now think of a public speaker that you really look up to the most, that made the biggest impression upon you." Typical bachurim, they all of course said who's the public speaker that made the biggest impact upon them. The Rebbe. So he says, "Now tell me which of the techniques of public speaking that you mentioned did the Rebbe use? Did he make hand motions?" No. "Did he raise-- use his voice?" No. Pretty, pretty, um, certainly the years that these bachurim remember, monotone voice. Eye contact, sometimes the Rebbe just looked down the whole time. So he said, "So the Rebbe broke every single rule in the public speaking book. So why did he make such an impact?" "Va'ad gedet

11:55 Speaker 2 emes." 'Cause he spoke the truth, 'cause he meant what he said. When somebody means what he says, it makes the strongest impact. People see that right away. "Mi sheyesh bo yiras Shamayim d'varo nishmo'in." If parents are an example for what they talk about, kids pick up on that. Talk about tefillah. A dugma chaya of davening. I don't mean davening Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv. That's not what I'm talking about. That also, we can't be like the parent that tells the kids in shul, "Don't talk during davening," and the parent continues to talk to the, to the adult next to them. And the pi- kids pick up on that, that talking during davening is a thing that kids-- that parents are supposed to tell kids about. It's a concept that you're supposed to tell your kids about. Like, there's a sign on the wall that says, "Asur le dabber beshas atfila," and, and the entire shul, there's one that keeps that rule, the wall. It's a sign for the wall. It's a rule that's meant to be-- You know, in schools we have rules that are meant to be broken. Everybody knows that there's the, the invisible, um, curriculum, the hidden curriculum, the rules that are meant to be kept, and rules, there's shoes, there's uniform, there's sweaters. And everybody knows shoes in this school, oy vey, you come with the wrong shoes. That's some other rule that you break. No one's gonna say anything, 'cause l'chatchila it's meant to be broken, right? Every- There's a whole set

13:07 Speaker 2 of rules that you sign on, and for some reason they only pick on five of them, and the other one they pick less. So kids know that talking during davening is not a real thing, it's something that we just talk about. So I'm not talking about that part. I'm talking about davening, real davening. Something happened, let's daven. We lost something, let's say a Kapitel Tehillim. Or, or even, or even thanking Hashem. Let's talk about davening. Thanking Hashem for the good things that He does for us. We start off our day, the very first thing in the morning, we train our children. No, we don't train our children, we train ourselves, and naturally our children pick up. The first thing is Modeh ani lefanekha. For what? You won the lottery? No. Shehechezarta bi nishmati. But everybody wakes up in the morning. Yeah, we thank Hashem for bokeach ivrim, for matan hasarim, for zekeir tov, for being able to see that we have blessings all day long. Kids, first of all, to be in a family that's loaded with blessings instead of everything going wrong, it's not, "Ugh, the tea spilled, and then I couldn't get my shoelaces, and then I couldn't find my this, and, and my husband came home, and I told him that he has the babies, and I have to go to the..." Everything is negative, right? It's a very negative environment. It's a house full of blessings. Hakaras hatov to people, and hakaras hatov to Hashem. Yeah, of course, things go wrong

14:19 Speaker 2 throughout the day, but how do we react to that? When I'm talking about dugma chaya of davening, I don't only mean davening in the technical sense, but a connection to Hashem. Hashem's presence is part of the house. We constantly feel Hashem's awareness. The reason that we got this in the mail was because Hashem was-- gave us such a bracha, and He gave us this envelope, which even though it was only a ten dollar check. And not like, "I thought He was gonna give me a hundred and eighty. Like, what's going on over here?" A, an attitude of blessing. Op-- An optimistic attitude. There's a letter of the Friediger Rebbe. The Friediger Rebbe talks about Shalom Bayis, and he says the eidel relationship. There's no such word in English for eidel. So refined relationship of husband and wife. Besides it being a mitzvah of the Ribono Shel Olam, it's the best chinuch for the children. A chinuch for middos toivos. The Friediger Rebbe continues, he's writing to a woman, and he says, "Even if you find some fault in your husband's behavior, the correct way is talk nicely, positive attitude. Beshulum oifen ton, use harsh expression. That's your best way of success, both with your husband and with your kids." Kids pick up from their environment. The way we speak is the way they will speak. The way we act is the way they will act. A strong impact on kids is emes. They have a mind associated with justice. There's something in the brain that

15:39 Speaker 2 some people is not that developed, but in kids' mind, it's the most developed, right and wrong, and they don't understand anything in the middle, by the way. I'm talking about little kids for sure. There's black and white, and there's nothing in the middle. And when they see injustice, it bothers them. They're not being chutzpadik. They hate injustice. Their whole body recoils against it, and they hate falsehood. Tell-- To tell a kid to go do a dreidel and a shpiel and do this, and do, "Here, here, I'll tell you how you can do it." Or never mind, tell the kid, "Do those kind of things yourself." What impact does that have on a child? If you're talking about living an example, an example of Yiddishkeit, a Yiddishe Neshama, it comes across in emes and honesty. The pasuk says, "Emor el hakohanim veamarta aleihem." Hashem told Moshe to tell the Kohanim that they're not allowed to defile themselves to bodies. Tumas Kohanim. Kohanim have to be careful with the laws of purity. They can't go to levaya. They have to be far away, et cetera, et cetera. On the words, "Emor veamarta," Rashi says, "Emor," say, "Veamarta," and say. That's a double expression. So Rashi says that come to teach you that part of the mitzvah of tumas Kohanim is lahazir gedolim al katanim, that the adults have to warn the children. Young Kohanim also have a problem of tumah. That's why there's a whole issue about-- I don't know if anybody knows the halachas associated with

16:57 Speaker 2 this, but if a, the wife of a Kohen is giving birth, she's giving birth in a hospital, there might be, um, bodies there. What they do, they leave as soon as possible. The husband doesn't come visit. They go to an ondrush or whatever. I'm not talking about the halachic aspect. But there's a rule that even children tumas Kohanim. How do we know this from? Because it says, "Emor veamarta," a double expression. What's the connection with the double? Where do you see that double expression that is for adults and for children? All it says is, "Say to the Kohanim and say to them." Just says twice, "Say to them." There's one saying that we talk about something, and it's for us. There's another time when we talk about something, and it means the kids. When Moshe Rabbeinu's imparting the message to the Kohanim, first you say it to them, and they think, "Oh yeah, it's a Kohanim rule." But then you say it again as a deeper type of saying that this is an atmosphere, this is an environment, it's how you live. It's not only for adults, it's for children, it's for everyone. It's a, it's a different form of saying. It's not just emor, it's amarta. It's something that you breathe, that you live. And when we talk about modeling, we're not only modeling behaviors, we're modeling in vos iz der di geshmack, in vos liknen. What do you enjoy? What do you appreciate? Tonight's Yud Aleph Kislev. Do our children know tonight Yud

18:04 Speaker 2 Aleph Kislev? Well, if the Tatte comes home and, "Yud Aleph Kislev!" It's not, it's not a game. It's real. He's so excited. It's the Rebbe-- the Rebbe's wedding. Let's put a white tablecloth on the table. Whatever it is, white tablecloth, with maska depending on the age of the children, adult children with maska, without maska, sweets, candies, ice cream, no sweets, whatever, vegetables, whatever. That's details. Set up the table Shabbos day, sit and eat in the other room 'cause Yud Aleph Kislev, and it's not something that you're doing because I went to a podcast and I was told you're supposed to model a behavior. It's something because you really breathe Yud Aleph Kislev. You came and they see. Wh- wh- wh- why, why is Tatty different today? What happened with Tatty today? Did he-- something happened at work? Ma-ma-- you don't know. You don't see it's Yud Aleph Kislev. It's obvious. You can see it's his whole environment. Parents go on a farbrengen shul, don't... Men, and they come home, and what do the kids see? Farbrengen means that you're tired. Farbrengen means that you're jittery. Farbrengen means that you have no patience for the children anymore. Farbrengen means you fall asleep right away. Farbrengen means you come home late. There's a lot of associations with farbrengens, and a lot of them could be negative. Or farbrengen means he's on such a high. He's talking about the Parshah with such enthusiasm. He's sharing what happened at a farbrengen. I wish I could also go to a

19:24 Speaker 2 farbrengen. He's sharing a new story of the Rebbe, a new word, a new, a new der her, a new feeling. The Rebbe spoke so much about Hakhel. What's Hakhel about? Events of Yiras Shamayim. Having an event which we're gonna reenact Mayim from Har Sinai. By Har Sinai, we were told that the purpose of Har Sinai is, the Pasuk says, the Torah was given at Har Sinai with thunder and lightning, with 3D, um, shtick, and the purpose was . In order that we should have Yiras Shamayim. Yiras Shamayim is not just the message, it's how it's given over. It's with a shtu'lim. W-w-we're going to Mount Torah right now. It is not a football game. It's not just, um, a... It's an, it's not an outing. It's not even a wedding of a, of a relative. We're going to a Hakhel event. It's Har Sinai. The Rebbe wanted we should do Hakhel events, reenact Har Sinai. There's so many ways we can reenact Har Sinai in our home to provide Yiras Shamayim in a way of Gilu berad. Gi- Yiras Shamayim means fear, but rad means trembling. Gilu, happiness. Give them experiences of Yiras Shamayim, a farbrengen, joining a . Let's dance. Come, let's dance. It's Yud Aleph Kislev. I've been in a home that every night of Chodesh Adar they put on music, and the kids dance five minutes before bedtime. I'm not sure if it's the smartest idea before bedtime to dance. We'll leave that to the s-sleep specialists 'cause now they're full on

20:53 Speaker 2 energy. But I'm-- again, I'm talking about the concept. Dance. It's enjoyable. One of the things sometimes we miss the message that the Rebbe gave us. The Rebbe spoke about making children's room into a room of Tzvas Hashem, and having a room of Torah tefillin tzakah. It w-- it's not just an instruction that you keep on the book. There is a room in our home which is a Beis Hamikdash. Can you imagine? Kids have their own Beis Hamikdash. They don't only have a Chumash with their name in it and a tzedakah pushka, and sometimes we neglect the tzedakah pushka is in, is not there. It, it's, it's, it's ve-- ex-ex-it's experiential. Yiddishkeit is experiential. We have Har Sinai events, and we have Beis Hamikdash locations in the home, and the child has his Beis Hamikdash location. Talk about it that way. Use the right language. "Go to your room. I told you to go to your room. How many times do I have to tell you to go to your room?" Or, "Yankele, let's go into the Beis Hamikdash. This is your personal Beis Hamikdash." It's not just a sicha, it's real. Everybody knows about impact of a Shabbos table. A Shabbos table, a beautiful table with parents that are there, the parents that are not distracted, with delicious food, with niggun, with stories. What kind of environment that makes in a home? A home which is so full of kedusha, of ohr. I-in an environment that we're so saturated with choshech, to have that beam

22:13 Speaker 2 of light of a Shabbos table does so much. There's-- one of the things that the Rebbe spoke about, it's not very well known. I just mentioned in a Shir. We're going through in the power our Shir Shabbos, so we're up to Sudah Shabbos, so I actually mentioned in passing, but it fits in very nicely over here. I would love you to hear this farbrengen of the Rebbe. Talk about experiential. There's a farbrengen the Rebbe spoke about a number of times. It's officially the list of ins-- of takanas of the Rebbe in the beginning of Hayom Yom, that the Rebbe instituted that Friday night the family should sit together. It's, it's one of the Rebbe's rules. Listen to the farbrengen if you have a moment. If your Yiddish is not that great, get someone who's good at Yiddish. Listen to the part of the Rebbe speaks Motzei Yut Zvat. It's a Motzei Shabbos. The Rebbe spoke in a way that you can actually hear a recording of it, TSHMC, where the Rebbe says that even in families that are keeping Torah and mitzvahs properly, there's something missing in the family unit. Der gei da and der gei darn. Each one is going a different direction. They're not really... They're all maybe davening and learning, but not doing it as a family, as a unit. And then the Rebbe says, certainly it, it could even be on a, on a worse level. It's not as if the father's learning and he's a businessman, and the kid is

23:25 Speaker 2 learning in yeshiva and if they're not connected. It's more than that of which mitzvah they're doing better. There's a generation that says, "We ha-- are a different generation. We have different behaviors. We have different solutions, different approaches." Often there's this distance. There's the ki yishalcha binkha machar. Ki yishalcha binkha, your son i-in the Haggadah we have, your son will ask you machar. The Rebbe explained there's a generation called the machar generation. Yesh machar shel achriz man. There's a tomorrow. Uh, we're not doing . Yeah, you were before Gemul Tamuz, all that kind of stuff. We're, we're different. We're already part of the American dream. And the Rebbe mentioned in that same sicha that we saw the-- this past generation, so many people were lost, both in terms of gashmius and in terms of ruchnius, because they were so lost, they were confused, they didn't know what they were looking for because they allowed them to go on their own. This concept of independence creeped in, and the father and mother were busy doing good things, and the kid had to tapte avant. Tapte avant. I don't know how you say that in English. Touching around in the darkness, trying to feel where they are. The churban that happened in family life because they were lacking as a family unit. The way to resolve this problem is to get together as a family. Pick a time Friday night. The mother, the Rebbe says, is the most, is the most important in this thing because it's not

24:44 Speaker 2 gonna help if anybody else is part of this, 'cause the mother's gonna bring in the varumkeit and the hartsikkeit, warmth. With, with-- the way a mother knows how to do things, make them as a family. How many stories do we have? Now, I'm talking in very general terms. There are kids that are younger, and there are kids that are older. There are kids that are already in, that are in, and the kids that are partially already one foot out. There's so many different types. We're talking in general ideas. How many stories do we know about the kid that came back home because of the cholent? Nothing else, just the cholent. That mommy's cholent. The kneidlach in the soup, 'cause nobody else makes the soup with the kind of kneidlach that my mommy makes. They went so far, but that, that cholent or kneidl or whatever other special things. Really, enhancing the Shabbos table is important, yes. Ice cream. Today's day and age, it means ice cream, vanilla and chocolate and strawberry and all of that for Shabbos. Tatty will-- and mommy will do anything for Shabbos. Fancy, fancy dishes 'cause it's Shabbos, not because they're gosh mizter people. It's so obvious they're doing it because it's Shabbos. It creates such a sense of, such a sense of stability, such, such a, such a atmosphere of kedusha. Everybody knows the story of the person that was gonna marry a shiksa, and he learned as a little kid, he learned from his teacher how he's supposed to

26:01 Speaker 2 tie the right shoe first and then first put on the right shoe, and then do the left shoe, then tie the left shoe first. So he did it out of habit. That's what he learned in school. And then when he was about to go to the church and marry the shiksa, right? And he was about, and his shoe was untied, and he started doing it, and he remembered, "Why am I doing this weird thing?" Am aid, sometimes we don't know how those small things make a difference. Every small thing, setting up negel vasser by the bed. The kids see it's, it's a habit. It's habitual. We-- There's a system. We set up negel vasser by the bed. We do this every night. We set up negel vasser by the bed. Those kids that don't, don't. What can we do? But we're trying. This is the m-- this is what we model. This is what we do. And they see how purity is a very important thing. There's a story of Rabbi Mendy Schneerson that he was, as a little kid, he was taking a walk with his father, and his father was showing him, showing him different sights. They passed by a jail, and he asked his father, "What's this?" He says, "This is a house where they store-- where they keep people that they don't want them roaming around the streets 'cause they're not safe people. So they lock them up in here." He says, "Why do you have to have a whole building?

27:01 Speaker 2 Just take away their negel vasser in the morning. Take away their negel vasser, and they can't get out of bed." The tzniut of the kid, he-- It's impossible to go out of bed if there's no negel vasser. Th-the-- It's like you can't do things otherwise. Part of the problem, of course, is that the Rebbe once spoke about this too, that chinuch requires two opposites. We wanna train our children. Everything should become habitual. There's no such thing of eating without a bracha 'cause he's so used to it, and we wanna make sure that nothing is habitual and everything is real and sincere. It's not just rote. So part of educating that way is for us being like that. We, we can't eat without a bracha. We can't get up from the table without benching, and yet every benching is a meaningful benching. So if we are like that, of course, we impact. Uh, we spoke a lot about dugma chaya. Of course, everything-- nothing happens without Siyata D'Shmaya. Ninety-nine percent of imparting a Yiddish or Chassidishe chinuch to our children is Siyata D'Shmaya. One percent is our efforts. There's a lot to say for our one percent, but the ninety-nine percent is important. Davening. Davening for our kids. What do m-mothers do by licht benching? Even again, that's something to model also. Kids seeing their mothers crying. I saw my mother crying by licht benching, and I know exactly why she was crying, because of me. Or maybe my brother so-so and sisters. I know sh-

28:26 Speaker 2 why she was crying. She was crying to have Yiddish-- emes Yidish and Yiddish. And if some mothers say Tehillahs, some people don't have the meaning of saying Tehillahs. Who cares? You have the, you have a particular set phrase that you say. You say it in your own words. That's semantics. That's a question of meaning. Halacha, I'm not here in the role of a Rav. We're talking about... It's a real thing. Licht benching is a time to dav-- It's not-- But it's not only licht benching. Whenever you have a free moment, what else should you daven for? Go to the oil. Write a settel. What do you write in your settel? Like back to the story of Zalman Gruni. The most important thing is to daven for the most important thing is our menaches, emes Yidish, Chassidishe menaches. The Rebbe once spoke about the fact that in our generation, there are so many children that drifted off. Why is it? And we, we talk about this a lot. Do you know the Rebbe actually spoke about this? And he said there's two primary reasons why in our generation we see so many kids that have drifted off the path. And the Rebbe spoke, it boils down to two things, to kashrus and to taharat hamishpacha. The Rebbe said he thought for a very long time about this. And because of kashrus, not being enough careful with kashrus, that develops the kids' lack of sensitivity in one way. The Rebbe spoke the difference between the two things.

29:36 Speaker 2 And the lack of being careful on taharat hamishpacha has a different type of impact. So these practical things the Rebbe spoke about strengthening kashrus and taharat hamishpacha, and as much as we keep it, we could always keep it more, affects our kids. A very pra-- simple practical thing the Rebbe often talks about also many letters. Don't-- If you see there's a problem with a child, don't talk to the child directly about it. Yarbe levrim. Try via the friends. Try via the environment. Simple educational techniques. But going back to what we said before, the warmth and kedusha of the home. A child obviously goes to a place that will give him excitement, but he returns to the place that gives him warmth. I want you to remember that sentence, that phrase. Children go to the place that gives them excitement, but they always will return to the place that gives them warmth. The home is the place that-- the only place that can really provide them with really authentic warmth, 'cause any warmth they get out there is excitement. It's not warmth. Children that return from missionary cults. Anybody working in Yad L'Achim will tell you this. There was just a story two days ago. They guided the parents not to be on top of the case of their kids. Just be positive. Just be warm. Continue that relationship. And eventually, the child, the daughter, a girl in this case, came back from the cult and they said, "Eh, waste of time. They're coming home," 'cause

30:56 Speaker 2 there's a place to keep them. And they say that this is what their experience shows them, that the more they shower them with warmth and love and home, they come back to the home. There's a big difference between reminding and nagging. Teenagers know the difference. We sometimes don't. Sometimes we feel like we're reminding and we're really nagging. And really, sometimes they want us to-- This is how they're getting our attention. So they keep it and acting out because they know they're gonna keep on getting-- we're gonna keep on providing them at-attention. Questions like this, does the child know about this? If they know about it, why are you telling them again? They know about it already. Leave them. The younger children, maybe they don't know about it yet. But older ch-- they know about your skirt. Chanie, your skirt. Uh, it, it, it, it, it-- You, you become associated with nuisance. You become associated with nagging. They know the skirt rule. You said rule. Make sure you say it once and say it very clear, and don't leave ifs and buts about it. But-- And now what? What, what do you want now? I know the rule, and I'm planning to-- I'm breaking the rule. That's what I'm trying to do. So, so what are you gonna do now? You just wanna get into a conflict? So so-sometimes they don't know. A child-- Somebody walks in, their zipper is open. We-- If we're mensch, if we care about them, we tell them, "By the way,

32:14 Speaker 2 your zipper is open." "You didn't realize." That, that, that, uh, coming from a mensch-like place. One of my sisters-in-laws tells me a story. She was walking with both of her grandmothers in the street. And there was someone opposite them which wo-had jeans with a slit or something. And one of the-- one of my grandmothers, her grandmothers said, "Oi!" Turned to the other one. Says, "Have a look. She has a rip there." She-- What does she know about styles? She genuinely thought. Sometimes the child doesn't know, literally doesn't know, and he'll be grateful that we told them. But sometimes they very, very well know. Now let me give you an example. They might not know the importance of growing a beard. As much as we think they picked it up in the-- through the environment, it's lost between the cracks. So one time it's a good idea, not when they're struggling with the issue, before that, to tell them there's a true And why a beard is so important and the effect that it has. There's things that they're supposed to be told. They're supposed to be told the truth. There's a let-a letter of the Friediger Rebbe where he writes that kids will one day turn to their parents and tell them, "Why didn't you tell me the truth? Why didn't you rebuke me? Why didn't you tell me the truth?" And the truth is Torah. The question is, did we tell them or did we not tell them? If we know that we told

33:41 Speaker 2 them, leave it at that. Having a camera in the kid's bedroom to know exactly what the kid is doing, what isn't-- First of all, it's invasion of privacy, number one. Number two, if only that child finds out about it. Number three, you can't really follow children all the time. So and I'm not su-suggesting that anybody here does that. But there is a camera that we could tell them that we have. Raising children with awareness. You know the teacher that covered the camera when he walked out with-- there was a test, and there's cameras in the room, and the teachers walk out because there's a camera. And the teacher said, "No, I'm covering the camera 'cause I don't have to look at the camera to see if he's cheating on the test." The Abrahamsters all over. What, what kind of mess-- What amazing message does that give to children? Confidence that the teacher has in them and an awareness of the presence of Hashem. If we are criticizing and we do need to tell them off for something, they should realize it's coming with And they realize that for every one criticism, like everybody knows, it's supposed to be ten compliments. It's just so hard to find those compliments, isn't it? That's a question of attitude. They say that the-- from the company, one of the fridg-- um, Frigidaire company, they once decided they wanna go to a new market, and they decided to go all the way down to some primitive tribe in Africa, and

35:00 Speaker 2 they sent two, two salespeople to go bring the Frigidaire, that type of fridge to, to, to Africa. They came back. One wrote back a message and wrote, "Um, these primitive people never saw an electric appliance in their life. Waste of time. Can't work over here." And a second wrote back and he said, "We need a-- Please immediately send an urgent message. There are ma-- There's not even one fridge over here. There's such a potential over here for sales." So it's a question of attitude and perspective. So do we see-- You could see compliments and you could see criticisms. How are you looking at it? And the way we look at it is the way l-they look at things. Are we having-- providing this optim-optimistic way of looking? The younger the children are, the more they need boundaries, and the more boundaries are safe for them and very helpful for them. So we need to provide boundaries. They love having a boss. Why do-- does mommy always say, "Daddy's coming. Come clean up your room and come, we're gonna tell daddy." And daddy says, "Mommy's coming. You go to bed." And they love doing the clean-- They have such a nakas doing that. They love having a daddy and mommy excitement. They love having that, that, that framework. The older the child gets, that's not gonna work anymore. So the question we're asking our children is not-- we're not, we're not asking our children, we're not presenting with a challenge, "Do you wanna enjoy life or

36:21 Speaker 2 not enjoy life?" We're presenting them with, is the enjoyment gonna be out of gashmiyus or out of ruchniyus? They are appreciating through our behavior that the real pleasure in gashmak is ruchniyus. What did the, the Hill Parasha say? If all the Bali Teva, if all the people that enjoy life would only appreciate the gashmak of Elokus, they would drop every other Teva, 'cause the gashmak of Elokus is so much more. That's the message we want our kids to see. It is so much more gashmak. Yeah, they'll realize there are challenges. A blat Gemara, they say about this, uh, fa-- parent that had a child that didn't open up to Gemara. Gemara is very difficult. Didn't work. Took him to this Rosh Yeshiva, to that Rosh Yeshiva, and to this Rav, and to this Mashpia. And she brought him to some quote unquote, "Some godel," whatever the right word is, and he said, "Leave him with me." Father waited outside. Said, "How long is the audience supposed to be?" Ten-minute audience. It's forty-five minutes. The rabbi, still with the child, comes inside. They're in the middle of learning a blood Gemara. What-- Very simple what happened. He didn't lecture to him about why Gemara is so important in your life. He sat and said, "Lama nafshana Gemara." Now, when the great rabbi is learning with you Gemara, it's not like in school, you could just duck and hide. You know, it's very uncomfortable, so you start learning Gemara. He started learning Gemara. It was actually enjoyable.

37:45 Speaker 2 After half an hour, he's continuing. You just have to taste it. I wanna share with you-- I'm almost done. I wanna share with you a, a that I heard once from Rabbi Glokowski from Rechovot. And it's extreme-- for me, it's extremely inspirational. There was a parent that came into the Fridy Rebbe about their child that went off the path. And the Fridy Rebbe said, "Did the mother go to the mikveh before the child was born?" So the individual said, "Yes." So the Fridy Rebbe said, "The child will come back." And then he continued and he said, "There's a Mishnah." In Maseches Mikvaos, the Mishnah says, it's up-- If you pay attention in davening, at the end of davening, somebody who's, who has yahrtzeit, who's an oval, they say Mishnahs, and this is the Mishnah they finish off. Always say it out loud. That was for all those listening. That was the mic slipping off, and that hap-happens sometimes in chinuch too. We have a mic on a mic, and we think we're talking and talking to the kids, and for some reason the mic slips off and we're continuing talking. They're not even listening. So a very important chinuch message is make sure that there's someone there on the mic. Anyway, back to the word that I was saying. The Fridy Rebbe said, it says in the Mishnah, "." Let me tell the simple meaning and how the Fridy Rebbe explained this. If you take a bed, you need to put a bed

39:31 Speaker 2 into the mikveh. In those days, there was-- the laws of purity and impurity were kept even for dishes, utensils, beds. So you need to fit in the bed into the mikveh. In those days, mikvehs were in caves and in, in other places of water. You're putting it into mikveh, trying to get it in. Now the legs of the mikveh are gonna go all the way down under the water into the cement and lime and then on the earth. So it's actually not in the water 'cause it's really on the ground. Says the Mishnah, "." You dip the mikveh-- the bed into the mikveh. "." Even though the legs are totally immersed, "b'tit," the thick cement underneath the mikveh. "Tahora," the bed becomes pure. "Mibnei shamaim mikadam" because the water touched the bed first. You put the bed in. First it went into the water, and then it touched the cement, so it's kosher. Said the Fridy Rebbe, said the pshat is like this: "You dipped the bed." The bed is the mother. Bed is a reference to mother. Assuming it refers to intimacy, whatever it is, that's the mother. The mother went to the mikveh. Although the legs, the legs are the children, are so immersed in the deep cement, they're caught up in that cement, "tahora," it's all pure. "MiShamayim mikadam" 'cause way before the child was born, before that there was water. It all started with the water. If there was-- If, if anybody becomes-- falls in despair and starts

41:00 Speaker 2 thinking, "Oi, what hope is there?" "The Fridy Rebbe said they will come back." Yeah, they... There's a letter of the Fridy Rebbe where he says that for somehow Chassidish kids, they, they have issues that no other kids have. "They have worms in their head." They're one of the Dafkas. The Fridy Rebbe says that there are six Dafkas, and one of the Dafkas is the Hebesher Dafka makes sure that we have challenges, and he, Dafka, makes sure the Chassidish kids have challenges also. All in that letter. There's a major, major campaign now about the twelve Sukkot going on, twelvesukkot.org I think it is, or dot com. One of the things in the twelve Sukkot is the Rebbe gave us a language how to educate our children. The Rebbe gave us twelve-- You know the, about the twelve steps? We have our own twelve steps. The difference is this one actually really works. We have a twelve steps program that we're-- Twelve messages, impart those messages to yourself and to your children. The "Hin Hashem Nitzavah" that we quoted earlier, that Hashem is watching you, is one of them. The "Hin Hashem Nitzavah" the Rebbe says is not to instill fear. It's to instill happiness. You're always with Hashem. The Rebbe explained the "Hin Hashem Nitzavah" means even more. Hashem is holding himself up upon you. You're holding up Hashem. The "Hin Hashem Nitzavah." Hashem is standing upon you. You're holding him up. We have such a power. We could contribute so much to the

42:21 Speaker 2 Hebesher. The f-- the famous saying that, that, uh, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But when there's strong winds, the apple could fall very, very far. Our job as parents is to minimize the amount of winds that they have and make that tree a very, very strong tree. And if we wanna provide a, an authentic chinuch to our kids, we need to give them much more than we want them to have. We often make the mistake that this is the level. That everybody has what they call Chassidish and what they call chilled or frei or modern. And this is called, there's a word in Yiddish for it, fakenyukt. Familiar with that word? Fakenyukt? Over the top. So everybody has their benchmark. This is called normal. This is called too modern, and this is called fakenyukt. Now, for one family, this is normal. For the other family, no, that's already fakenyukt. So we pick our level of comfort that we're personally very comfortable with. You know, we struggle with this and with that, so that's already-- whatever we struggle has already becomes farhanyakt, right? And we have it all worked out. And now we think naturally what I think is normal, my kids are gonna follow. And strangely, the kids are not following my, the, the, the course I charted out. If you want them to have so much Yiddishkeit, you need to give them more than after everything is deducted from all the influences around, from all the secular stuff around, from the

43:50 Speaker 2 street, from the environment, they'll be left with something. You can't give them what you want them to have 'cause they might be left with much less than that. But more than that is, and what happens if the kid comes home and he's now, he is the farhanyakt one. So we have a tendency to start knocking it. "That's ridiculous. That's extreme. That's, that's shpitz." There's all these names for that, right? What are we doing to our child? He's already-- First of all, if he's already excited about something, let him be excited, even if it's wrong, but it's on the right path. The Rebbe's-- The Rebbe, there was-- When the Sefer returned, the Sefer that was stolen from the Rebbe's library. When the Sefer returned on Beis Kislev, the Rebbe was very upset when he saw people, bochurim, standing outside. The Rebbe said they're wasting time, they're not learning. And whoever came flew in for the Yom Tov. They heard the Sefer's gonna come back. Everybody took a flight right away back home. They were so scared of the Rebbe's reaction. It was a very sharp reaction. There was a bochur that flew in, and his mother was close with the Rebbetzin, the Rebbe's wife. And she said, "My son, I feel so bad for my son. My son didn't know, and he came in. I know the Rebbe's very upset." She said, "You should be so proud of your son. He could be excited about other things. So he's excited about coming in for the Rebbe's

45:14 Speaker 2 Sefer. The Rebbe was upset, why bochurim wasting time when they're not learning. You're lucky your son is excited about that. I know the Rebbe is not happy with it." This is what the Rebbetzin said. So if the kid gets involved, becoming a bit too ultra-chassidish, the Rebbe wrote a letter to, in not, not Lubavitcher, a Litvishe rosh yeshiva who was complaining about bochurim davening a bit too long. And the Rebbe said, "I understand the problem that you're talking about. They're chitzonim. They're not real. It's not authentic. They're going through the motions. They're acting as if they're very ultra-holy. Don't tell them that." You're taking away something by the child, which is for him associated with spirituality, even though you believe it's not really authentic spirituality, and you might now go and undermine everything that the kid stands for. What you should do is work on making it more authentic. Talk to the children. They're davening long. How are they davening long? How could they daven long better? Give them ideas. Similarly, the Rebbe wrote to someone about, also not Lubavitcher rosh yeshiva, about having a beard. A parent. This is a parent story, and he was upset that his kid is growing a beard. The Rebbe said, "If you're taking that away from the child, for him, that's his Yiddishkeit." So the message you're giving is Yiddishkeit is not so important. You have a different brand of Yiddishkeit. I mean, for you to be growing a beard is a meshugas. So we have a child

46:34 Speaker 2 that's farbrengen. Of course, it's, it's ridiculous, farbrengen all night. But if the child, when it comes to a chassan of a family member, of course, we want him to be at the all-night event. But when it comes to farbrengen, so again, what's the message that he's getting over there? Let's impart a message that Yiddishkeit and Chassidishe is important. If it's going a bit the wrong path, better to go the wrong path upward than, than the wrong path downward. The Rebbe should grant us all atziyias Hashem. We are chassidim of the Rebbe. We have a berakhah that whatever we do will be matzliach. The Alter Rebbe gave a berakh and he said that when it comes to chassidim, whatever they do, "Yach chassidim elalyona." Chassidim will always be on the top, will be successful. One of the twelve sulam is, "Yo-gaito u'matzasa taman." It's a message we could also impart in our kids very often. I tried yo-gaito, v'lo matzasa al taman. But we could equally impart a message to ourselves, too. Yo-gaito v'lo matzasa al taman. Chinukh comes with yagea, with effort, but we know we will succeed. The Rebbe should help me should matzliach to raise a generation of children that will go and greet Mashiach. To quote, to paraphrase a quote that the Rebbe said once in a yechidus, "The children will go across to greet Mashiach, and Mashiach will say, 'These are the children,' "Ru giduli shegidalti." These are the children I will raise." Emes, Yiddishe, Chassidishe nechemas for all participants. I'm

47:56 Speaker 2 sure there's some questions.

47:57 Speaker 3 Okay. Yeah. Um, over here.

48:02 Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, yeah.

48:03 Speaker 3 Yeah, it's good. Could you just borrow your mic for a moment?

48:05 Speaker 2 Sure. It's okay. It's coming out. Yeah.

48:07 Speaker 3 No, it's okay. You hear me? Fine.

48:08 Speaker 2 He is. He is.

48:08 Speaker 3 So I'm gonna ask two questions.

48:10 Speaker 2 Sure.

48:10 Speaker 3 Um, well, the first question is really a, a combination of many questions that came in. I'm just gonna ask it all in one, and hopefully, um, I'll get the message across. So you, you spoke earlier about the importance of Friday night and having family time and creating a family unit and the... What, what-- how would you answer the following question about davening barechis and having a Shabbos meal? What takes precedence? What's important? Is it important to have both Friday night, Shabbos day? Um, there were, there were a few questions on that topic.

48:44 Speaker 2 Okay. Really, you see, a lot of these questions depends who's asking the question. Is the wife asking the question about the husband not davening barechis? Or is the husband asking the question? So the Rebbe actually specifically chose Friday night, not Shabbos day. Interesting. Shabbos day was always a day that's associated with davening barechis. The Rebbe chose Friday night, and here, yes, something, something is gonna give. The davening will give. But not always is it this or that. There could be a davening barechis and being at home and being both. Davening Fri- uh, being with the family Friday night by the Rebbe is a priority, so that cannot not happen. So maybe it'll happen a bit later 'cause the father's davening a bit longer. That's a possibility. For that matter, even for farbrengen Shabbos day, the Rebbe writes about bo- about davening barechis. The person writes that he has a family and he has children. So the Rebbe writes on the one hand, "If davening barechis was important in Russia, it's even more important over here in America, and it's important for the family and for the children." And yet at the same time, the Rebbe writes, "After you daven, you're sitting by a farbrengen. The purpose of the farbrengen is to bring it to the home." We mentioned that earlier. The Rebbe wrote a very sharp message to-- a letter to Kfar Chabad, that he heard a rumor that Kfar Chabad, there are people that farbrengen all day in shul and never come home. The

49:55 Speaker 2 Rebbe says that defeats the purpose. The purpose is to take the farbrengen and bring it home. The father's davening barechis. What-- Where's that davening barechis impacting? How is it getting to the home? The Rebbe told the Rebbetzin Neemanov that he should say Kirsh Al Hamita and he should make a Cheshbon HaNefesh. And who should he think about during his Cheshbon HaNefesh? About his students. Davening berechis for the child, for the family, so it has to come to the family. Now you need to know how to balance things. I know, I know of a particular shliach who never has a real proper, um, um, davening 'cause he's busy on shlichus. He invites guests, he invites dignitaries, politicians, you name it. Rosh Hashanah, this is Kodesh Lashem. Rosh Hashanah, no. Rosh Hashanah's is a serious day. There's no guests, there's no nothing. So your kids need to know when yeah and when nish, and parents need to know when yeah, nish, when yeah, when not.

50:50 Speaker 4 Thank you. Um, another question that came in. Another question that came in is, we think about Yirat Shamayim, and how would you differentiate between Yirat Shamayim and a mitzvah? If it's something that you need to do, then it's a mitzvah. So what is Yirat Shamayim, and how would you describe it, if possible?

51:15 Speaker 2 Okay. So first of all, Yirat Shamayim is about the d- the, the, the reason why I'm doing the mitzvah. So of course it's a mitzvah and you gotta do, but I don't-- but unfortunately, despite the fact that we're supposed to do the mitzvah, a lot of people know they're supposed to do the mitzvah, and they don't particularly care. So Yirat Shamayim is the push for the mitzvah. But even when doing the mitzvah, there could be a mitzvah done with Yirat Shamayim, a mitzvah done without Yirat Shamayim. A mitzvah could be done because Ma Chayvu Asi V'Asani. This is the mitzvah that I gotta do, so I did my mitzvah, and I'm going. Or there's a sense of connection, a sense of association. I once sat with someone, not a Hasid, and he told me all the Hasidism, it's all nonsense. We have a Shulchan Aruch, we have a Code of Jewish Law, we know what we're supposed to be doing, and there's a list of actions. The Torah never speaks about feelings, it's all about actions. So I said, "I'm not sure which Torah you're us-- I said, "Do you say the Shema every day?" He said, "Of course, I say the Shema." What about the passing of How is that for feelings? So it's not just the, the very first thing is Shema. It's not just enough that we're actually doing the actions, it has to be b'chol levavcha, with all your heart. If the person's heart is somewhere else, then really in a

52:28 Speaker 2 sense, they're not really doing the mitzvah. Their faculties are doing the mitzvah. So it's-- and saf klal saf, they might stop doing the mitzvah altogether. So Yirat Shamayim is pa- part of the package.

52:38 Speaker 4 Okay. This is our last question. And I was sure this was gonna come up, so I'm glad somebody asked it. When we talk about, you spoke about the, um, the last few things you spoke about was about if a child is very frum, let him be frum, and he'll be okay. So how do you-

52:55 Speaker 2 Um, yeah.

52:55 Speaker 4 Okay. How do you-- so how do you-

52:57 Speaker 2 Not exactly.

52:58 Speaker 4 Okay. How do you help a child who is, um, you're saying he's, uh, frum, but maybe he's OCD, maybe he's taking it to an extreme, and you're afraid that if he goes too far, he's gonna drop everything. So what is the balance between what is normal behavior and abnormal behavior, or you just let it go and hope for the best?

53:14 Speaker 2 Okay. So I wanna correct a bit that, that, the comment that if a child's frum, just let him do whatever he wants, because obviously it depends what, where, when. I'm talking about a, a general attitude. But you mentioned in the question OCD, and that's very, very important to, to talk about that. OCD is a medical condition. And as a medical condition, it needs to be dealt with medically. It's a problem, and it has to be dealt with, and, and, and, and requires a professional. OCD has nothing to do with Yiddishkeit. It actually ruins Yiddishkeit. It's actually not only it's not Yirat Shamayim, it's the opposite of Yirat Shamayim. Yirat Shamayim is associated with simcha. And the minute you see it's a stress, this is not the Aibishter. The Aibishter is not a stressful Aibishter. It's, it's, it's a different thing. It's not religion. It's not Torah and mitzvahs. I think that's very, very important to point out. And there's ways to tell if it's OCD or not. I'm, I'm not a professional. But I mean, I, I could tell them from the shailos the way I'm getting. So you get the shailah, you right away see this is an OCD question. It's not, it's not a genuine question. It can be the same exact question, but sometimes it masks, it masks as Yirat Shamayim when it's really come from OCD. Preparation for mikveh is not supposed to be taking three hours, Rabbeinu Shelayim. And it's a nightmare. I had someone in my office this week

54:23 Speaker 2 and says, "I cry every time I go to the mikveh. I start shivering when I go to the mikveh." That-- mikveh is supposed to be the most exciting night. Yirat Shamayim is an exciting thing. I mean, we use the term Yirah, but Yirah is associated with Bitul, not with Yeshes. And OCD is often associated with Yeshes 'cause I have to be perfect. Perfection, anxiety. So if it's a medical condition, it needs to be dealt with. How do we know if it's a medical condition? First of all, it's good to talk to a professional. But if it's crippling the person's life, if they're always stressed, and they're not having satisfaction, Torah and mitzvahs, the seudat of Torah and mitzvahs is simcha. So that's in terms of the specific comment about OCD. That, that really needs to be dealt with properly in order for the kid to grow in his Yirat Shamayim. 'Cause he could do so much more than he's doing right now. Not more, I'm not talking about more beka'amas, more be'echad, and being fully there. Right now, he's not even there because whatever he's doing is never, it's, it's never good enough. But in terms of, of, yeah, of course, there needs to be a balance, and I'm not saying that every time a child chooses to do something which is totally beyond, beyond the pale, and he's starting to tell Tatty and Mommy what we're doing is not good enough, oso, and Mommy, you're not tzniusdig enough, all that kind of stuff. So

55:31 Speaker 2 such a kid has to be put into his place. But in terms of ourselves, we should deep down be happy, like the rebbe told this person, that this is our struggle. Because the other challenge, again, not, not if it's a medical condition, the other challenge, the challenge of a child that's, chas v'shalom, off the path, and if it's off the path, it could lead to anything. It's not just he's one touch down, 'cause it starts as a slippery slope. But in term-- yeah, of course, there's, there's, there's, there's rules, there's guidelines, there's boundaries, there's things that are acceptable, things are not acceptable. And the kid is, if it's another derech of Avodat Hashem, sometimes we need to cut our losses and say, "Baruch Hashem, Yirat Hashem, v'Torah, and mitzvahs, you just chose a different path." But if it's, if it's beyond the pale, and it's extreme, and it's not healthy, of course.

56:14 Speaker 4 Okay. All right. Just relax, everybody. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Wishing you much hatzlacha in your vital shlichus.