Answers From the Rebbe About Depression and Anxiety

Welcome to our weekly program, The Inside Story of Chabad in America through the Mindel Archives. We are now in the month of Iyar, and as we mentioned a few times, Iyar is the abbreviation of Ani Hashem Rofecha — "I am God your Healer."

There are hundreds and hundreds of letters — English letters, Russian letters, correspondence — that people wrote to the Rebbe over the years about issues of health: issues, physical problems, mental problems. People get very moody, and the one has the Rebbe for advice. So today I will share some answers concerning depression and anxiety.

There are different reasons that people have different issues. There's the issue of Shalom Bayis — that's an issue people have. There's the issue of overweight, issue with children, parnosa, the job, and more, and the Rebbe has answers for everyone, what they need. And the Rebbe always connects gashmius and ruchnius.

But I just want to say, before I read a letter, I want to say that the English letters are very clear — different than the Igros, the Hebrew letters. English letters, they're all the same — they all come from the Rebbe. The difference is he expresses himself much more clearly with the English letters than with the Igros. So I think it's very important, since it's clear, to just read some of the answers the way they are, instead of analyzing or giving my own opinion or explaining the letter. Why can't we read the letter the way it was written? I think that's the best thing, and then there won't be any problems to say, "Is this what he meant or not?" Sometimes people read a letter and they explain it the way they understand it, and it's not really what was meant to be. So we'll read it the way it is.

But before that, I want to say something very important: always think well, and it will be well. In other words, think well, strengthen your bitachon in Hashem.

So the Rebbe writes here: "The Healer of all flesh, who works wondrously, brings additional divine blessing when a person thinks good." When a person thinks well, that helps with whatever issue a person has.

So here is a letter from a person who writes to the Rebbe — he has problems with overeating. He's heavy, he eats and eats, and he becomes depressed because he's heavy and he can't stop, he can't lose weight. He writes that this interferes with his Shalom Bayis, with his family harmony.

So the Rebbe answers: first thing, when a Jew gets up in the morning, the first thing he says is "Modeh Ani lifanecha" — I give thanks before Him always. And the Rebbe says, realizing that one is in the presence of Hashem at all times, one must be very conscious of every movement, every word, since no human being can hide his or her thoughts, words, or deeds from Hashem. This is a very effective method of being able to control one's daily behavior in every good way. So this a person should always have in mind, and that's a big help when a person has different problems or anxiety.

And this is also an answer on the matter of depression. The Rebbe writes here: "Such a feeling is often the result of thinking oneself unimportant, and therefore it is of no consequence how one acts or behaves, thus becoming pathetic and discouraged." He thinks of himself as unimportant. But the Rebbe says: realizing that one is in the presence and company of the King of Kings, who has honored and privileged him with very important tasks, this emphasizes the importance of every — and he underlines "every" — individual.

Knowing that a person can and will get rid of any depression and act sensibly in accordance with the Torah and mitzvos — it's not only that the Rebbe writes here that this is a must for its own sake, but also the channel to receive God's blessings. This includes, particularly, to have complete bitachon in God, not as something abstract, but being permeated with true belief and conviction that Hashem's Divine Providence extends to each and every one individually — and he underlines "individually" — and it is in the nature of the Good to do good. Being aware of this leaves no room for depression and despair, God forbid.

So a person might say, "So then he doesn't have to see a doctor — is that enough?" No, the Rebbe says no, of course. He writes: "One should also do what is possible in a natural way to make it easier to snap out of a depressed state, and a doctor's friendly advice could be helpful, but basically it depends largely on yourself to strengthen your bitachon, your faith in God, and there is the assurance of yagata u'matzasa — also." So the ikar is — a doctor can help, but if it's only a doctor, it won't help.

Now, when you write about interference with your Shalom Bayis, with your wife — so here the Rebbe says: "As for the question of husband and wife Shalom Bayis, it would seem that a major factor is the depressed mood and lack of bitachon, which distorts many things. Also discuss it with a rav." So you should discuss your Shalom Bayis with a rav. And the Rebbe then writes: "It would also be helpful if you would get involved in a suitable way in helping others, especially — by brightening up the lives of others, you would greatly brighten up your own life." So by helping others, it will also help. This is the answer of the Rebbe — there are many, many letters like that that give answers when people have problems with depression.

Now, since we're talking about Shalom Bayis, the Rebbe has another answer about Shalom Bayis, and this helps — I'm going to read you one paragraph. "It is my duty to mention to you that a situation such as you described sometimes happens because of failure of a married couple to keep the proper distance when Jewish law requires it, for being close at a time when this is forbidden by the Torah has an opposite effect, causing estrangement from when they should really be close. If this should be the case, you must both decide henceforth to observe most strictly the laws of niddah. And even if these laws have been observed in the past, it often happens that in the course of time some detail is overlooked or forgotten. Therefore it is necessary to review them from time to time in order to make sure that no detail is neglected."

So when it comes to Shalom Bayis, and when it comes to the time when they have to separate, they should separate — that separation will help later on for Shalom Bayis. That's another thing the Rebbe gives as advice for Shalom Bayis.

So here's another paragraph: "I trust you know that in the Jewish family the wife and mother are called akeres habayis — the foundation of the house. I take this opportunity, therefore, to express the confident hope that, as the akeres habayis, you are doing all that is up to you to see to it that the conduct of the home should be in full accord with the Jewish way of life, the way of Torah and mitzvos. This includes also hospitality, and the old Jewish custom to have guests for Shabbos as often as possible, and the like" — and he underlines that, that that helps Shalom Bayis. "This is the way to ensure that it should be a happy and harmonious home filled with God's blessings, and as the wisest of all men said, the wise woman builds her home."

And then the Rebbe says here: "It is surely unnecessary to emphasize to you how much importance our Sages attached to the matter of Shalom Bayis. Suffice it to mention that one of the first things we say in our morning prayer, even before the Shema, in the Mishnah, where peace between husband and wife is mentioned. They have also taught us that when differences arise between husband and wife, the husband is expected to show more patience and understanding, even if he may be completely in the right — he should honor his wife" — and then the Rebbe gives up Rashi's source. So we see here how this will help Shalom Bayis.

Now, here — I want to say, I don't have the notes in front of me, but I remember that Rabbi Mindel once told me that the Rebbe told him about a problem somebody had. So the Rebbe said to him — and this is from the notes of Rabbi Mindel, I don't have it in front of me, so I'm just going to say what I remember.

Why does a husband give the kallah a plain ring under the chuppah, not a diamond ring? You give only a plain ring that costs a hundred dollars, not twenty thousand dollars. Why? So the Rebbe explains this — this comes from the Rebbe, and he said — that later on in life, you know, certain issues — husband and wife sometimes, on certain issues, they don't agree, whether about children or whatever. Under the chuppah is the happiest time of their life, husband and wife, when they get married under the chuppah. Later on, certain issues happen. So they should always think of the day of the chasunah, that when something — let's say they're sitting at Shabbos — they should always remember how happy they both were under the chuppah.

Therefore: when a diamond ring falls on the floor and it breaks — a ring that costs ten, twenty, thirty thousand dollars — I mean, you can fix it, a professional can fix it, but a professional can tell where the damage was even after he fixes it. Not everybody could, but he can — there is damage there. If a plain ring falls on the floor and it breaks, you fix it, you can fix it, and no one can ever tell it was ever broken.

Therefore, the husband gives the kallah a plain ring, so that even when, later on, certain things happen, certain issues we have, we should always know we can always go back and think of the day of the wedding, like it never happened — we all feel happy, we should be happy as of that day. And that's why he gives her a plain ring, not a diamond ring. This is what I heard that the Rebbe said to Dr. Mindel — this is a note from Dr. Mindel that I saw about the husband.

So since we're speaking about Shalom Bayis, this helps for Shalom Bayis. Next week we'll continue our weekly program. Thank you.