Introduction to the Laws of Education - Rabbi Yosef Avraham Pizem shlita

00:02 Speaker 1 You’re listening to “Lema’an Yishme’u,” a podcast from Machon Halacha Chabad.

00:09 Speaker 2 In today’s class, we’ll discuss the obligation to educate children—the halachic obligation of chinuch. Whom are we commanded to educate? Who bears the obligation? And what does it include? We’ll begin to examine these questions in depth. What is the parents’ role? Is it perhaps just the school’s responsibility? What is the father’s role, and what is the mother’s? We’ll look at key points in education: what parents should and should not do. There are things you really need to do, certain ways you need to respond. But there are also things you must not do—responses, words or actions that will have exactly the opposite effect. So in this class, we’re dealing with the obligation of chinuch in practice. Today’s subject is education from a halachic perspective: What is the obligation of chinuch? Who bears it? And what should and shouldn’t we do when educating children? For the things we need to do, how should we do them? And for the things we’d be better off not doing, how do we actually avoid them? Some parents, in all innocence, tend to think—and people do say this out loud from time to time—“I sent my son to a good Talmud Torah, or my daughter to a good school. Everyone knows, and Hakadosh Boruch Hu knows, that we work hard to earn a living. We don’t have the time or the headspace. So surely, by sending our children to good Chassidic schools, devoted entirely to Torah, we’ve faithfully done our job of educating them.” But it’s much more complicated than that. That isn’t quite how it works. To understand this, we’ll quote from works on the subject, which themselves quote the Alter Rebbe in Shulchan Aruch Harav and the Rambam in Hilchos Talmud Torah, as well as the entry on chinuch in the Talmudic Encyclopedia. There are many details and fine points. Who is actually obligated to educate? On whom does the mitzvah of chinuch rest? So—

03:02 Speaker 2 First, let’s quote a little. Then we’ll expand on it and get into the details. “A person is obligated to educate the young members of his household and accustom them to studying Torah and observing the mitzvos. This obligation is rabbinic. It includes both educating them to fulfill positive commandments and keeping them away from prohibitions.” In other words, who is obligated to educate them? It doesn’t say the teacher, the rabbi, the mashpia or the female mashpia. It says that a person is obligated to educate the young members of his household. The obligation has a basis in the Torah, but is primarily rabbinic. That is, the basis for keeping them away from prohibitions, or for fulfilling “You shall teach them diligently to your children,” is in the Torah. But this obligation of chinuch as such is indeed rabbinic. “Educating his daughters: The obligation of chinuch applies both to his young sons and to his young daughters, who must be educated in the mitzvos that women are obligated to observe—that is, all the mitzvos incumbent on women. A person must always pay attention to his daughters, listen to them, speak to them and continually instruct them to walk in the ways of Hashem.” Who is obligated to educate? The obligation of chinuch rests on the father. The mother, however, is not obligated in the specific mitzvah of chinuch, whether regarding positive commandments or prohibitions. But when it comes to the broader—and fundamental—matter of guiding a child and educating him in yiras Shamayim, that obligation does rest on the mother too. Specifically, teaching him one mitzvah or another, or keeping him away from a prohibition, is not her obligation. But more generally, instilling a spirit of yiras Shamayim, a connection to Hakadosh Boruch Hu, a connection to the Rebbe and to the generations before us—giving a child that wonderful feeling that he is part of a great, eternal people—that’s something a mother does especially well. In that way, she also takes part in educating him in Torah study. She needs to help him study Torah too. Generally, there is—

05:55 Speaker 2 a particular advantage and greater success in the education given by a mother. As the saying in Hayom Yom puts it: “The sacred strength of the people of the G-d of Avraham, and the foundation of the House of Israel in raising an upright generation through their education, through the kashrus of their food, and through the noble purity and holiness of Shabbos—Hashem, the great and awesome One, entrusted all this to the women of Israel, to safeguard and cultivate it. Of a woman who fulfills her duty and purpose in family life, in running her home and in education according to the Torah, the verse says: ‘The wisdom of women builds her house.’” That’s in Hayom Yom for 6 Adar II. Let’s pause the series of quotations here for a moment. I want to add a few things, first of all about who is obligated to educate. We need to address what seems to be a conflict: Who is responsible—the school and teachers, or the parents? The Rebbe explains that there’s no conflict; all of them have a responsibility. But we need to know that the primary, fundamental obligation rests on the father—on the parents. The teachers act as agents of the parents, agents of the father who is commanded, “You shall teach them diligently to your children.” They’re his agents, and he pays them for their work. This brings us to several points. First, obviously, if you want good work, you need to pay for it. You can’t just appeal to someone else’s conscience: “These are Hakadosh Boruch Hu’s children. Why aren’t you looking after them?” As chassidim, we know that when a person speaks, makes demands or offers criticism, he must first address himself. So let me ask myself whether I’ve done as much as I should, in the way I should. I can’t come along and play on someone else’s conscience: “Listen, Hakadosh Boruch Hu gave you this talent. That means you’re the one who has to do it. Divine providence gave you this role, so it’s your problem.” It doesn’t work that way. Those things are all true, but they’re what the teacher—

08:30 Speaker 2 needs to tell himself. As a parent, you hire him. You appoint him as your agent, and you need to pay him. You know how it is with anything: If you want work done properly in your home, you pay a decent wage. I’ve heard people with extensive experience in education say this quite a few times: Don’t think that giving discounts here and there is what makes parents respect and value education and invest in it. Not at all. If people understood that education is something of great value, that it matters, and that a person would give everything he has for a good education that builds up his children, they would invest differently. I remember something from my own childhood, too. My father told me why his father had decided to send us from the Krayot to the Toras Emes Talmud Torah in Haifa, part of the Independent Education system. We lived in Kiryat Shmuel, and at the time nobody sent young children there. If they sent children, it was in seventh or eighth grade; we were in first, second and third grade. Here’s what happened. One day, he was riding public transportation and saw a young boy, a first- or second-grader, traveling with a big schoolbag. An elderly man asked him, “Young man, what’s going on? Isn’t there a school near your home?” The boy said, “I go to the Reali School.” Reali—with pride and determination. My father thought: If someone who doesn’t observe mitzvos can send his son there under the conditions we had back then—not today’s conditions, when traveling by public transportation is much easier; I won’t go into the details now—and the boy can proudly say, “I’m going to study at Reali,” so focused on his goal and proud of what he’s doing, then where are we Chabad chassidim? Where are we observant Jews? So he said

10:29 Speaker 2 Okay, so I send my children to a Talmud Torah. It was the only Talmud Torah available, so that’s where we went, and the few Chabad children living in Haifa also studied there. There weren’t many Chabad families in Haifa then—we’re talking about the early 2000s. And that’s the point: you have an obligation to educate your children. You choose who will educate them. You appoint them as your agents, but they aren’t volunteers. You pay for it. And when you pay, you can also make demands—properly, respectfully, in a spirit of peace. Maybe we’ll talk a little about communicating properly with the institution that acts on your behalf. This applies to both boys and girls. There is something to be done, and it’s important to make requests. It’s important to say thank you. It’s important to convey deep appreciation to the staff and administration. But on the other hand, if you have comments to make—and if, let’s say, my friends and I are experts in education, then we’re something like colleagues. And if I’m an ordinary person and maybe I’m mistaken, fine, but people who understand the matter can discuss it. Surely something will come of it. So, the issue we’ve been discussing is: who is obligated to educate the children? We said the parents. What is the status of the schools, the Talmud Torahs, the schools for girls? They act on behalf of the parents. The teacher acts on behalf of the parent. Once we’ve established that, it’s clear that the parent, for their part, has to invest effort. What does that mean in practice? I’ll go into two aspects here. On one side is something many parents really like doing: criticizing the school. On the other side is: what are you doing for your child? As for the schools, it would be very good if every place followed what the Rebbe says. Our Rebbe has already solved all the problems. We just need to do what the Rebbe says. If

12:47 Speaker 2 we follow the Rebbe’s instructions, everything will be all right—without taking shortcuts. Follow the Rebbe’s instructions. The Rebbe says: When you establish an institution, set up a Vaad Mosifim, a committee for improvements. If there’s a Vaad Mosifim, then alongside the administration, which is responsible for its work, there’s also a committee whose main concern is the spiritual side: to raise concerns and call for improvements, constantly raising the spiritual standard, the standard of learning, and the care given to those who are pushed to the margins—and who knows where that could lead. Programs have to be developed for them, too. Presumably the various members of the administration see all these things, but there also has to be a Vaad Mosifim that asks questions and gets answers. At the same time, every individual—once we’ve explained that the person hiring and sending the child here is the parent... I’ll tell you something. It was said to me many years ago as a principal, not as a parent, but Rabbi Leibel Schildkraut, one of the Rebbe’s shluchim to the Holy Land, told me this right at the beginning of my work in administration: “Yosef, you should know that our Sages say, ‘If a person wants to lose his money, let him hire workers and not supervise them.’” If you think you can give the teachers instructions, guidance and comments, and assume everything will happen automatically without checking how it’s going, that isn’t serious. That’s what it means not to supervise them. It means losing your money with your own hands. Now, that was said to me as a young principal at the start of my career, but we can understand that a parent, too, should take something from it, with the necessary distinctions. In other words, if you trust your children’s educators completely when it comes to how they deal with your particular children, then on the one hand, that’s important. It’s good that you have that confidence. And today’s educators

15:12 Speaker 2 are very chassidish, professional, dedicated and serious people who put in a great deal of effort. Yes, you certainly can trust them. But he is still your son, one of twenty, thirty or forty students. You want good results for him personally, not just for the class as a whole. So the more you show that you care and take an interest—it doesn’t mean being a nuisance, but from time to time, perhaps once a month, you can call the teacher, even as a regular practice. “How is my child doing? Is there anything I can do to help him? Is there anything I can contribute to the class?” That’s how you create a partnership. It’s very, very important. This comes from understanding that the teacher acts on your behalf and, as they say, it isn’t free. Parents pay—or at least they should pay—and the more, the better. When you invest in this matter of “take the fee for teaching children and be content,” Hakadosh Boruch Hu sees the parent’s effort and investment and grants help from Heaven so it succeeds. We know that in education we need help from Heaven. It isn’t automatic. You can’t just say, “Here, do this, then take serious issue with that; don’t hurt the student’s feelings, and everything will be fine.” Nothing is guaranteed. It takes many prayers from parents and from teachers. We need help from Heaven. So, first of all, one thing to do to merit help from Heaven is to pay the tuition in advance, even if that means giving it as tzedakah instead of to other charities. Because the children of the Jewish people come first: if there are no kids, there will be no goats. Everyone has to look after their own children. So, to briefly sum up what we’ve said so far: responsibility for education rests with the parents. The schools act on their behalf. Now let’s talk a little

17:27 Speaker 2 about an approach—an approach that will help with education. Let’s understand for a moment that not everything that worked in the previous generation, or the generation before that, or the one before that, will work exactly the same way today. Some things will. The foundation of mesirus nefesh for Torah, an uncompromising bond with the Rebbe, uncompromising fear of Heaven—those certainly haven’t changed. But techniques and approaches: how do you communicate properly with a child in a way that moves him in a positive direction, rather than, G-d forbid, causing him harm? The generations have changed. I’ll give you an example. Sefer HaMazkir has just been published, a book based on the notes of the gaon and chossid Rabbi Yehuda Leib Groner, the faithful secretary of the Rebbe Melech HaMoshiach. Reb Leibel Groner recounts something from the early years of the Rebbe’s leadership. The Rebbe learned that a distinguished Jew who had come from Russia, a chossid of the older generations, as it were, had taken issue with something Reb Leibel Groner did—presumably all in accordance with the Rebbe’s instructions—concerning certain arrangements for receiving visitors, and had slapped Rabbi Groner. Rabbi Groner, a chassidish Jew who had grown up among chassidim from the outset, didn’t make an issue of it at all. He wasn’t particularly shaken by it. But the Rebbe found out. We won’t go into the details now, but the Rebbe made sure a message was conveyed. The Rebbe himself said it to that chossid, but [unclear]. In Russia, things like that happened and no one took too much offense. But Reb Leibel Groner was born in the United States. In the United States, that isn’t how things work. So when a chossid born in the United States suddenly gets slapped by an older chossid, that isn’t acceptable here. You need to ask his forgiveness. If he had been born in Russia, or among that whole crowd, fine.

20:02 Speaker 2 These are chassidim with mesirus nefesh, who aren’t fazed by anything. But he was born in America; that isn’t acceptable there. You need to ask him to forgive you. Here you see it from the Rebbe himself. We’re not talking now about a father slapping his child—which, in our time, may well be completely out of the question. Even some kind of “educational” slap to your own child, whatever happened, may very well be absolutely wrong. I would lean toward saying it is absolutely wrong. But the example here is of one adult and another, where it was entirely symbolic, not intended as violence but as an expression in a certain style. And even there, the Rebbe tells you: no. You don’t get a pass for something like that. You shouldn’t do it. It’s unacceptable. The Rebbe said this in the early years of his leadership, in the 5710s. And today, whether you’re a father or a mother, you can’t come at a child with force and pressure, making him feel that Shabbos means tension, Yom Kippur means even more tension, and the whole flow of Jewish life brings no peace—just “no, no, no, no.” No, that really doesn’t work. All you’ll do is make him hate it, and put him to a test that no one knows whether he can withstand. Make this life beautiful for him. How wonderful it is to daven—so make sure he enjoys it. Teach him melodies for davening. Take him to different places where the davening is beautiful. Give him prizes, surprises; make programs for him. You’re his father—I’m speaking to fathers. Find out what’s happening in his class. Does the child enjoy davening or not? Let’s see what’s going on there. Maybe they don’t give any reward

22:11 Speaker 2 for davening? Maybe it’s treated as a task to finish as quickly as possible, and no one enjoys the davening. Well, someone needs to say something about that. Speak to whoever needs to be approached so things get done. Again, of course, the teachers are people doing holy work. But who knows—sometimes things need strengthening. Sometimes your child personally needs encouragement. Sometimes a private conversation can help, with a positive comment or the incentive of a prize. Help a little; give some direction. But the main thing is communication, communication—not arguments, but communication. A father and mother who argue in front of their children ruin everything. Everything. Don’t argue in front of the children. In general, arguing isn’t good. You can exchange views, you can talk like human beings—not in anger, not in the middle of something. Set aside times to talk. I’m speaking about fathers and mothers. Just as, to distinguish, teachers have meetings and make decisions, here too you need to set times to sit down and talk. Each person will gradually influence the other with their views. But for children to see an argument—the father says yes, the mother says no; one says to give in, the other says not to—oy vey. It only creates anxiety in the children. They’re already afraid their parents are about to divorce. It creates instability. And the main thing is that any child with a somewhat sensitive heart, boy or girl, says, “That’s not happening in this house anymore.” These things only create pressure. So the child thinks, “Then I won’t do it,” and becomes one of those who are a little more lenient about it. “I’ll give that up.” That’s how children think. So we have to understand that we are on duty 24/7. We always need to set a personal example and let our children feel the sweetness of the mitzvos. It really isn’t an easy task. But if we study this in the Rebbe’s books, and study it in

24:15 Speaker 2 Jewish literature generally—for example, Sefer Hatoda’ah, the Rebbe’s Shaarei Hamoadim, maamarim of Chassidus, Shaarei Chinuch, Igeres Hachinuch, all the Rebbe’s books that discuss education and the right approach—it would be good for a husband and wife to study them together, too. Gradually, people will develop ideas for how to present and convey these things to their children without anger. The Shabbos table needs to be something you invest in. Absolutely. If you haven’t put effort into it, if it isn’t an experience with substance as well, it won’t be catching. Every religious experience we arrange in our home should be an experience of Yiddishkeit, a chassidic experience, something that catches on and makes the child say, when he grows up, “I want to do what my parents did.” That takes investment. There’s no room for cutting corners. I’ll read a passage from a sicha of the Rebbe from 5743. The teaching of our Sages is well known: “There are three partners in the creation of a person: his father, his mother, and Hakadosh Boruch Hu.” The division of the partnership is that the child’s spiritual matters—his education—are the responsibility of his father and mother. Hakadosh Boruch Hu has entrusted them with something exceedingly precious, “an actual part of G-d above,” in the hope that the parents will fulfill their role and ensure that the child’s soul shines openly within him, so that “You shall be to Me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation” is evident in him. The child’s material needs, on the other hand—feeding him, providing for him, caring for his health, and so on—are the responsibility of Hakadosh Boruch Hu. In other words, the parents need to do their part, and then the Divine assistance in all the surrounding matters, all the needs involved in education, will come. The Rebbe speaks at length about the particularly great power a mother has in education. The Rebbe says that, by nature—and I’d like to add a sentence about this too—

26:33 Speaker 2 the father is the one who asks, “What did you learn?” and tests the child on the school communication sheet. It’s very important to have such a sheet. It’s very important to test the child on it. And even if there isn’t one that week, it’s very important for the parent to find out what they learned anyway, to study with the child on Shabbos and ask him questions. That shows the child he matters, and that what he’s learning matters. At the same time, the Rebbe explains that the mother’s role has more to do with feeling, warmth, and attention to the details and fine details. That suits a mother’s nature, and that is her part in education. In the Rebbe’s words, from Toras Menachem, volume 31: “The husband’s role is to give general direction, the central point: that the conduct of the home, the education of the children, and the conduct of every member of the household must accord with Shulchan Aruch. But the details and fine details depend on the woman of the home. She is the one who instills this idea and puts it into practice in every detail of the home’s conduct.” That was how it was with Avraham and Sarah, and so it is with every aspect of the home: tznius, kashrus, the pictures, the children’s games—everything needs to be in a spirit of holiness. As we approach the end of this section, here are fundamental matters the Rebbe emphasizes as foundations of education. First, the idea that “an Eye sees and an Ear hears, and all your deeds are recorded in a book.” This must be instilled in every Jewish child and, to distinguish, even in a non-Jewish child. It is the parents’ role to teach the child each morning, gently and pleasantly, about the “Eye that sees”—so that the child understands there is an Eye that sees. Hakadosh Boruch Hu is all-powerful and imperceptible, beyond the concept of place and beyond the concept of a body. “An Eye sees and an Ear hears, and all your deeds are recorded in a book.” The world isn’t a jungle. Everything that happens in the world, everything you do—everything is foreseen,

28:56 Speaker 2 Everything is seen, and everything matters to Hakadosh Boruch Hu. That already gives a person a measure of awe. It is the basis of chapter 41 of Tanya: “And behold, Hashem stands over him, and His glory fills the entire earth, and He looks at him and examines his innermost thoughts and heart to see whether he serves Him as he should.” Therefore, we must serve Him with awe and reverence, as one standing before the king. This is something we need to instill in all our children. We need to talk about it from time to time, and simply set a personal example. You can’t tell a child, “Listen, this is how it is, and all your deeds are recorded in a book,” when the child can see straightaway that his father behaves in exactly the opposite way. There’s no getting around it: the moment of truth has arrived. Once the children are born, the games are over. You want your son to be the very best he can be—you wish him all the best in the world. There’s that chassidic blessing people give children: “May your parents have nachas from you, and may you have nachas from your parents.” That chassidic blessing. Yes. So we also have to set a personal example. If we don’t, we haven’t accomplished much. May we merit it. Who knows. So we need to be truthful, tell our children these things and demonstrate them, but also set a personal example. Another point is to instill faith in the Creator from earliest childhood. We don’t wait even a moment. There is the matter of stories of tzaddikim. There are so many stories of tzaddikim, so many stories about our Rebbe. Tell them at every age, choosing stories suited to the child’s age, but tell them at every age, all the time. Instill faith. Hashem sees us; there is an eye that sees and an ear that hears, and all your deeds are recorded in a book—a book that cannot be falsified, and an eye and ear that cannot be fooled. There is faith in the Creator. Every one of us needs to instill that in our children through stories. Stories

31:13 Speaker 2 about things that happened with their grandfather and grandmother, miracles the family was privileged to see from the Rebbe, remarkable answers they received through Igros Kodesh—well-founded things, clear things. That is how we need to educate children. Here is a short story about this. The Rebbe relates in Likkutei Sichos, volume 19, that the Frierdiker Rebbe said that when his children were small, he hired a teacher for them. This teacher believed that children should not be told about astonishing, wondrous aspects of Yiddishkeit—miracles that cannot be understood intellectually. Those were only for adults. When the Rebbe Rashab learned of this, he dismissed him. On the contrary, we must begin with faith and kabbolas ol, not with intellectual understanding. Even things that can be understood intellectually must be taught from a foundation of kabbolas ol. The same applies to education. We need to tell children about miracles that are beyond reason; that plants faith in them. Tell children about the shluchim’s successes that are beyond reason. And those arguments—“Wait, it’s too early. Wait, only teach what makes sense, what’s logical”—are the arguments of the old, foolish king. Let’s end this section with something that really... Ah, not long ago, I had an experience like this. We had a problem with a child in the Talmud Torah. He was saying things that suggested he had troubling intentions for his future observance of mitzvos. I asked the Rebbe for a blessing, and in the Igros Kodesh it said that we needed to work on strengthening faith through stories of tzaddikim and accounts of miracles. So instead of arguing with him, I simply worked with him in that direction. Miracles from the Rebbe, factual accounts, things the Rebbe himself writes and explains. After two conversations, I saw this child connecting more and more and growing stronger. The Rebbe’s approach was very clear and, of course, very right. No arguments; we don’t get into any arguments. We increase the light, give him an anchor, and then, with Hashem’s help, that becomes the foundation. One final thought. It is well known that if, G-d forbid, one of the children has drifted a little, we need to know that if he enjoys coming to the Shabbos table at home, he will come back. If he feels comfortable there, with an atmosphere of warmth, heartfelt kindness and genuine chassidic love at home, he will come back. Then he will do his part. That is what we need to convey. It’s a joy to be a chossid! We love being chassidim, we love all chassidim, and we love all Jews. Warmth and love founded on truth and on hiskashrus to the Rebbe, Melech HaMoshiach—that is what brings success in education at every age, in every situation, only through pleasantness and peace.

33:42 Speaker 2 If he enjoys coming to the Shabbos table at home, he’ll come back. If he finds warmth, kindness, and genuine chassidic love at home, he’ll come back. So what can I do? I can do my part. That’s the message we need to convey: It’s a joy to be a chossid! We love being chassidim, we love all chassidim, and we love all Jews. Warmth and love grounded in truth and in hiskashrus to the Rebbe, Melech HaMoshiach—that is what brings success in education at every age and in every situation, only through pleasant and peaceful ways.