The Day of the Chuppah - Rabbi Uri Mordechai Lipish shlita

00:02 Speaker 1 You’re listening to the “Lema’an Yishme’u” podcast from Machon Halacha Chabad.

00:09 Speaker 2 Mazel tov. Mazel tov to the chosson and kallah. May Hashem grant you an everlasting home, with abundance both materially and spiritually. May Hashem grant you healthy sons and daughters who are chassidim, G-d-fearing, and devoted to learning, and may you raise them together to Torah, marriage, and good deeds, in health and abundance. The Rebbe places very, very great emphasis on preparing for the wedding and on the wedding day, which is a very, very, very holy day. So much so that, as we’ll emphasize later, it is like Yom Kippur, and in a certain respect, even in the first year, it has an advantage over Yom Kippur. The Rebbe explains that every Jewish man and woman’s wedding hastens the great wedding between Hakadosh Boruch Hu and the Jewish people—the marriage that will take place in the future. As our Sages said, “In this world there was betrothal; when Moshiach comes, there will be marriage”—the wedding between Hakadosh Boruch Hu and the Jewish people. What happened at the giving of the Torah, with all its great fanfare, is considered betrothal, while the marriage will take place in the future. And the Rebbe explains that the wedding of every Jewish man and woman has a connection to that great wedding of the entire Jewish people. So we’ll talk a little about the customs of the wedding day. There are many customs, but we’ll touch only briefly on the details preceding the wedding day. We’ll mainly discuss the day of the chuppah and the wedding. It goes without saying that it’s very, very important to come to the wedding after receiving instruction—to sit down with a qualified instructor. The chosson should sit with a qualified instructor, and the kallah with a qualified female instructor. These things are very important and have great significance. They need to make sure they know the halacha and the details. I’ll jump ahead a little. The usual custom is that the parents are the escorts who lead the chosson and kallah to the chuppah. It isn’t just a physical matter of bringing them to the chuppah; it has halachic significance. And the Rebbe points out that they have the responsibility to ensure that the chosson and kallah are brought together properly. And in order

02:57 Speaker 2 for that to happen properly, they must make sure someone teaches them, and teaches them correctly. It’s a mistake to think that people know these things. We know for certain that people don’t. The standard practice, as stated in halacha, is that for the week before the wedding, the chosson and kallah refrain from seeing each other, even during the day. The last time they see each other is before the hefsek taharah, after which the kallah counts seven clean days. At a farbrengen on 13 Kislev 5749, Rabbi Leibel Groner, the Rebbe’s secretary, related that the Rebbe once remarked that, for the same reason they do not see each other, it would also be advisable not to speak on the telephone. It is for the same reason that seeing each other is prohibited. And here it’s worth adding a note. Recently I heard of some people who followed the provision mentioned in Shulchan Aruch that, sometimes, in pressing circumstances, immersion is moved a little earlier. If a kallah immerses earlier, then the time when they stop speaking should also be earlier, because they should stop speaking, just as they stop seeing each other, before the hefsek taharah. This is a point worth mentioning; I’ve seen that many people don’t know it. The Rebbe’s father wrote to him that on the Shabbos before the wedding he should be called up to the Torah, and that after the aliyah they should bless him, say a Mi Shebeirach, and explicitly say in the Mi Shebeirach, “because his father and mother”-- Rabbi Levi Yitzchak wrote to the Rebbe that they should mention them by name, giving their names and their fathers’ names. In other words, they say the name of the chosson’s father and the name of the-- grandfather, and the name of the chosson’s mother and her father, that they bless him and give tzedakah on his behalf, and have asked that he be blessed, and so on, through “and let us say Amen.” As for the customs of the wedding day, the usual custom, of course, is to try to fast. There are several explanations for this fast. One reason given is that for any mitzvah that comes along only rarely, people try to fast. A second reason is that the kiddushin should not take place while one is intoxicated. And the Rebbe gives a third, interesting reason. The Gemara says, “There is no kesubah without

06:11 Speaker 2 contention”—“There is no kesubah in which they do not stir up a dispute.” So one reason for fasting on the wedding day is to reduce contention, to lessen the possibility of a quarrel. Since marriage is about revealing the power of the Infinite within created beings—the purpose of a wedding is that there should be continuity, that life should continue—the power of the Infinite is, in fact, revealed within created beings. The Satan opposes this, so he sets himself against it and seeks to stir up a dispute. That is why they fast. This matter of fasting also comes up with regard to the parents, among whom contention can sometimes arise before or after the kesubah. The Rebbe says: I’m not emphasizing-- I’m not specifically trying to emphasize that the parents of the chosson and kallah should fast on the wedding day. The Rebbe says in a sicha, “I say explicitly that this is not my concern. In the sicha, I merely explained the reason for the conduct of the Rebbe, the Frierdiker Rebbe, who was a comprehensive soul and was meticulous in all kinds of mitzvah observances.” That doesn’t mean one must imitate him specifically in this matter. If someone wants to imitate the Rebbe, they should begin with the other aspects of his service and his meticulous observance of all the mitzvos, not with fasts. And whoever wishes may give tzedakah instead of fasting. But the Rebbe emphasizes that the fast on this day is also meant to lessen contention. In addition, for the chosson and kallah this is a very holy day, as we’ll emphasize later—a very holy day, similar to Yom Kippur. So if one remembers, on the day before the chuppah, at Minchah—preferably during the Minchah prayer, before “Yihyu leratzon”—one should say, “Tomorrow I, uh, will be fasting.” If someone forgot to say it during the prayer, the afternoon is also considered the time of Minchah. And even if someone didn’t say it then, they should still make use of the opportunity and try to fast on the wedding day. There are days on which we do not fast. If

08:41 Speaker 2 it falls on Rosh Chodesh, one does not fast on Rosh Chodesh. Instead, one fasts the day before. That is what the Rebbe points out. For some reason, I saw someone write that if it falls on Rosh Chodesh, one should not fast. But in Likkutei Sichos, volume 24, page 464, the Rebbe explicitly states that they should fast the day before, and that this has the same force as fasting on the wedding day. Both instructions come from the same source. The one who told us to fast on the wedding day is the one who told us not to fast if the chuppah falls on Rosh Chodesh. Except for Rosh Chodesh Nissan. Someone getting married on the night of Rosh Chodesh Nissan is getting married on a day when one does fast. It is the day on which Nadav and Avihu died, and Shulchan Aruch says that righteous people fast on that date. Therefore, even though it falls on Rosh Chodesh, one does fast. There are days on which one does not fast, as stated in Shulchan Aruch, section 573. The days on which a chosson and kallah do not fast are Chanukah, Purim, Isru Chag, 15 Menachem Av, 15 Shvat, and Rosh Chodesh. All these dates are mentioned in the Gemara as days on which one does not fast. But someone who gets married on Lag BaOmer does fast. Likewise, someone who gets married after Rosh Chodesh Sivan or after Shavuos—not on Isru Chag, because fasting on Isru Chag of Shavuos is forbidden—or during the days between Yom Kippur and Sukkos: these are days on which one does fast, as stated in Orach Chaim, section 573. And even when a wedding falls on a day when one does not fast, Derech Chaim, section 223, says that one must still be careful not to indulge in excessive food and drink on the wedding day. Regarding Purim Katan, there is an unedited sicha: in 5710, there was a reception that the Rebbe attended, and during the reception the Rebbe related that the wedding of the Frierdiker Rebbe’s youngest daughter, as mentioned there, took place on Purim Katan. The chuppah

11:26 Speaker 2 It was very delayed because the Rebbe was waiting for someone, and the Frierdiker Rebbe also fasted that day. Even so, despite the late hour and despite the fact that it was Purim Katan, they fasted until after the chuppah and completed the fast. So fasting on the wedding day is very, very important. And... when I was with the Rebbe, there were many grooms who made a point of fasting on the day they received the siddur from the Rebbe. After all, they said Al Chet and the long confession, as we’ll mention later. The Rebbe writes in Sefer Haminhagim that the Frierdiker Rebbe instructed the bride to say chapters of Tehillim. He also specified which chapters, but the Rebbe says, “I don’t know which ones.” If possible, it is very important for the bride to say the entire Tehillim, which will naturally include the chapters the Frierdiker Rebbe specified. In general, while we’re talking about the wedding day, it is very worthwhile to try to do all the daily study portions as early as possible: Chumash, Tehillim, Tanya, Rambam. Do them as early as possible, because afterward it is usually almost impossible to get to them. There are grooms who do manage it, boruch Hashem, but one should try as much as possible to do the Chitas and Rambam portions early. This is very, very important. In addition, the Rebbe cites the Frierdiker Rebbe’s instruction that the bride say chapters of Tehillim. Which chapters? The Rebbe says, “I don’t know.” So if possible, the bride should say the entire Tehillim on her wedding day. The Rebbe writes—and I haven’t seen this in Chabad books, but the book Nitei Gavriel brings it in the name of the Frierdiker Rebbe—that on the wedding day, the groom should use every free moment he has to say Tehillim. As I mentioned earlier, the Frierdiker Rebbe also fasted on his daughters’ wedding days. It says in Eliyah Rabbah, section 573 of Orach Chaim, that even for a widower and a widow

13:56 Speaker 2 there is a reason to fast on the wedding day. We learn that the wedding day is like Yom Kippur from Eisav: it says that he took Machalas, meaning that his sins were forgiven, and this was in addition to his wives. He already had wives; he had already been married. Yet even on such a day, there is forgiveness of sins. The Rebbe’s father writes to him, “On your wedding day, immerse yourself precisely in ‘Mikveh Yisrael Hashem,’” and there he gives him a certain order of kavanos. He writes that the source is the mazal Notzer Chesed. It is known that when the Rebbe blesses a couple at their wedding—whether in a letter or when he sees a groom and bride—the Rebbe makes a point of saying “Mazel tov, mazel tov” twice. Why twice? The letters of the Rebbe’s father speak of two mazalos, two aspects connected with the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy that are revealed in the groom and bride. The groom is connected with the attribute of Notzer Chesed among the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy. The bride is connected with the attribute of Venakeh. When the two join together, Notzer Chesed and Venakeh, this causes the infinite power to be revealed in the world. It causes the power to have children to be revealed in them. So, as I understood it, the Rebbe’s father meant that when the groom immerses in the morning, he should have in mind the words “Venotzer”—Notzer Chesed. But a chossid named Rabbi Yaakov Yehoshua Laufer, a deeply connected Jew who knows many customs, told me that the Rebbe was accustomed to immersing many, many, many times. He told me that he thinks the intention is for the groom to immerse a number of times corresponding to the letters of Notzer Chesed: nun, tzadi, reish, ches, samech, daled. Well, anyone who can immerse that many times—certainly it is a good thing, and may he be blessed for it. On a related note, I’m

16:20 Speaker 2 stepping away from the wedding day for a moment. Among chassidim it is known that the Rebbe said that it is always worthwhile to immerse at least nine times, in the pattern “upright, fish, upright,” three times. “Upright” means with the arms and legs slightly apart, in a position somewhere between standing and sitting. That is also what seems to follow from the Alter Rebbe, that immersion should be done in a standing position. From the Tzemach Tzedek it seems that one should immerse like a fish, stretched out horizontally. And there was someone whom the Rebbe instructed to immerse “upright, fish, upright”—three immersions, repeated three times. So in general, it is very worthwhile to try to immerse at least nine times; this is very, very important. Back to our subject: someone told me—and this may be the meaning, though I’m not sure—that this is what the Rebbe’s father meant in his letter, when he wrote to him, “Immerse yourself precisely in ‘Mikveh Yisrael Hashem,’ and the source is the mazal Notzer Chesed, which is very relevant to the groom.” So perhaps the intention here is to immerse a great number of times. It is an established custom for the groom and bride to give extra tzedakah on their wedding day. In general, the Rebbe explains that giving tzedakah before davening creates a more favorable time: “As for me, may my prayer to You, Hashem, be at a favorable time.” It makes it a more favorable time for the prayer to be accepted and fulfilled. Giving tzedakah adds greatly to that favorable time. The Rebbe established it as a common custom: the Rebbe asked, and spoke at length about how the groom and bride should give extra tzedakah on that day. In one place the Rebbe wrote that they should give extra in the morning, and that it should be from their own money. The Rebbe added many times that their parents, brothers and sisters should do the same for the benefit of the groom and bride, at least before the chuppah, giving more than they do on other days. How much better if the grandparents and all the relatives who want to take a greater part in the joy of the groom and bride, and everyone who wishes them well, do so too. On one occasion the Rebbe added that their teachers,

19:00 Speaker 2 and the shadchanim, should also give extra tzedakah on the wedding day or before the chuppah for the benefit of the groom and bride. Whoever adds is given more, and whoever gives abundantly is given abundantly. Those are the kinds of expressions the Rebbe used about giving tzedakah on the wedding day. By giving tzedakah on the wedding day, they include the recipients of the tzedakah in their joy, as well as those who learn from the groom and bride’s conduct through their living example and themselves give more tzedakah to another Jew and another Jew. The Rebbe says that this brings additional success in the wedding preparations. It brings additional success to the wedding itself, throughout the seven days of celebration, and even brings additional success throughout their lives—happy lives, both materially and spiritually. That is what the Rebbe said at a farbrengen in 5735. Since we’ve spoken about tzedakah, it’s worth adding another point. One thing the Rebbe very much wanted was for there to be a tzedakah box on the head table at the wedding, the groom and bride’s table. Anyone who comes over to bless the groom and bride should immediately be given a coin to put into tzedakah. The Rebbe instructed that a tzedakah box be placed on the wedding tables, both on the groom’s table and on the bride’s table. That is what the Rebbe told a groom and bride in yechidus on Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan 5749. And here it is worth adding that on one occasion, on 19 Kislev 5729, the Rebbe spoke about this. The Rebbe said: When blessing... The Rebbe said, “If I could, I would introduce a custom among the Jewish people. If I remain alive, I would establish a custom among the Jewish people that whenever someone blesses a Jew—whether at sheva brachos or at a celebration where Jews come and bless one another—I would... If I could, I would make sure that the blessing was always accompanied by a donation to tzedakah for the benefit of the person being blessed.” And the Rebbe says that he has two reasons for this. One reason is that it says about

21:52 Speaker 2 Our forefather Yitzchak: “And it came to pass after these things that G-d tested Avraham.” After what? The Midrash says: after the words of Satan. Satan came before Hakadosh Boruch Hu and made an accusation. He said to Hakadosh Boruch Hu, “Look, You gave our forefather Avraham a son, and ‘Avraham made a great feast.’ He made a big meal, but from the entire feast he held before You, he did not offer a single bull or ram. He brought You nothing.” Hakadosh Boruch Hu said to Satan, “What do you want from Avraham? The whole feast he made was only in honor of Yitzchak. If I tell him to sacrifice Yitzchak, he will agree to that too.” “And it came to pass after these things”—after Satan’s accusation—“that G-d tested Avraham.” Then came a very difficult test. To prevent an accusation, and to prevent Hakadosh Boruch Hu from saying, G-d forbid, “What do you want? A Jew is ready to give even his child for Me,” giving tzedakah in advance is very, very helpful in warding off tests and difficulties from the outset. Satan will not even be able to accuse him of having given nothing to Hashem. He intended to give to Hakadosh Boruch Hu, and he intended to give tzedakah. It is mentioned in several places that this is also why it is customary to provide a meal for the poor before a wedding, on the night before the wedding or on the wedding night. In recent years, some have also decided to give it to a yeshivah. Perhaps it can be given in addition. It is very important to provide a meal for young men who study Torah and have no income of their own. That is a great merit, brings great success to matters concerning the wedding, and adds greatly to Hashem’s blessing. One reason the Rebbe gave is to keep Satan from making an accusation. A second reason the Rebbe gave is that, in reality, whenever one Jew blesses another, when one woman blesses her friend, and the blessing comes from the heart, it

23:52 Speaker 2 works. It has an effect; it changes the world. Sometimes, for some reason, it gets held up somewhere in the higher worlds. To bring the blessing down into this world, it is worthwhile to give tzedakah immediately. Giving tzedakah right away helps the blessing take effect quickly—not remain stuck in the higher worlds, but come down here into this physical world. That is another reason the Rebbe wants people to give tzedakah. So it is very worthwhile to take some money beforehand and change it into small coins, each worth at least a prutah. Today, even ten-agorot coins can serve that purpose. Take perhaps twenty shekels or a hundred shekels—whatever each person thinks appropriate for the number of guests coming to the wedding—and try to change it into ten-agorot coins. Give everyone who arrives ten or twenty agorot, and as soon as they offer their blessing, ask them to put it straight into the tzedakah box. This helps bring the blessing down into this world, in addition to warding off tests. I have also seen people leave the coins on the guests’ tables, together with a tzedakah box, with a note asking people to give in the merit of the bride and groom. I think that when the groom or bride gives the coin to someone and there is a tzedakah box in front of them, the person is more likely to give immediately. But certainly, either way is good. The point is to make change in advance so the guests have money to give to tzedakah. As I mentioned, the Rebbe also wants the bride and groom to add tzedakah from their own money. There is so much to do on the wedding day. The Rebbe’s father writes to him: “Immediately after midday, study chapter 25 of Tanya with tremendous concentration.” He writes that it should not be studied in depth, but with concentration, and so on. As I understand it, this is not the time to look for a sophisticated analysis or an interpretation, to see whether there are places where I might understand it differently.

26:08 Speaker 2 On the wedding day, the main point is: I am studying this because it will be my way of life in the world. I am about to enter into worldly affairs, and my way of life will be as described in the holy Tanya, chapter 25. The Rebbe’s father writes to him that immediately afterward he should daven Minchah, including Al Chet, with proper and tremendous concentration. In other words, he tells him to study chapter 25 of Tanya in preparation for davening. Of course, this is in addition to giving tzedakah before davening, as the Rebbe encouraged people to do; that also helps one’s prayers be accepted. It is very important to emphasize: this Minchah may be the most significant prayer of your life, the groom’s life or the bride’s life. The day is considered like Yom Kippur. This is a time to ask. The Rebbe’s father writes to him: “The more one weeps then, during Minchah on this fast day, which is considered like Yom Kippur, the more praiseworthy it is.” When I received from the Rebbe the—when the Rebbe handed me the siddur, the Rebbe told me to plead for all good things. In my opinion, anyone who wants the best for the couple—and certainly the groom and bride themselves—should sit down and think beforehand. Make yourselves a plan. What do you want to ask Hashem for? What do you want your home to look like? Now, now is the time to ask. Minchah before the wedding is the time to ask. This is very important right now. This is the time to ask for healthy children. This is the time to ask for an ample livelihood. This is the time to ask for chassidish children. Now is the time to ask. Sit down and think about what you want, how you want your home to look. Now is the time to ask. When the Rebbe gave me the siddur, the Rebbe said to me: “Af alle gute zachen”—to plead for all good things. I mentioned the words of the letter from the Rebbe’s father, who writes to him that the more one weeps

28:53 Speaker 2 then, on this fast day, which is considered like Yom Kippur, the more praiseworthy it is. This day, the wedding day, is considered like Yom Kippur. The Rebbe’s father writes to him that on Yom Kippur, too, there was something similar to the fifteenth of Menachem Av, connected with marriage: the daughters of Israel would go out and dance in the vineyards. And Yom Kippur is even greater than the fifteenth of Menachem Av. The wedding day is like Yom Kippur. The more one weeps then, on this fast day, which is considered like Yom Kippur, the more praiseworthy it is. Minchah. The groom is already accustomed to davening with a gartel, a sash. And here it is worth adding: for some reason, I recently saw a debate, and there are those who davened from the Rebbe’s siddur. Should they say Al Chet at Minchah on their wedding day? When I got married, it was obvious that one davens with Al Chet. And even on a day when one does not fast, Pischei Teshuvah, Even HaEzer, section 61, subsection 9, says: “On Rosh Chodesh and other days when they do not fast, he should daven Minchah with the entire order of confession, as on the eve of Yom Kippur.” Even when one does not fast, it is a very holy day. It is a very, very important day, and therefore we do say the confession. It says in our sources: “The groom and bride must sanctify themselves greatly before entering the chuppah. They should do teshuvah on that day and examine their deeds from the day they were born until this day. They should confess and ask Hashem, blessed be He, for forgiveness, pardon, and atonement. They should acknowledge their wrongs and abandon them, feel complete remorse with a broken heart, and make a firm resolution from this day forward to serve Hashem truly and wholeheartedly and to be holy and pure.” That is preparation for the chuppah. “And they should pray that Hakadosh Boruch Hu cause His Shechinah to dwell between them.” That is what it says in the Shelah. It also says there: “It is customary to say the confession during Minchah, as on the eve of Yom Kippur.” For us, it is obvious that once he begins davening from the Rebbe’s siddur, he already wears a gartel. Certainly, for Minchah before the wedding, he already wears the gartel. The groom davens Minchah while he

31:39 Speaker 2 Wearing a gartel, and from then on for all the prayers. It is worth emphasizing: for someone who truly wants to daven, this is a very holy day. It is a time to ask, a time to plead. So even if you do end up davening with a minyan, far more important than finishing the davening with the minyan is standing there and asking. Think of everything you want, whether you are a man or a woman—now is the time to ask. Stand and pour out your hearts before Hashem. Ask for your lives and for everything you want. One note worth mentioning: where to wear the gartel. As mentioned in Ateres Rosh by the Mitteler Rebbe, and also in Sefer HaErchim Chabad under “Avnet,” the place to fasten the gartel is at the lower edge of the chest, not near the navel, as people wear a belt. The reasons for wearing the gartel, the avnet, at the lower edge of the chest are explained there according to Kabbalah and Chassidus. It is also worth mentioning that the Rambam, at the beginning of chapter 10 of Hilchos Klei HaMikdash VehaOvdim Bo, discusses where a kohen wears the avnet. The Rebbe would wear it at the lower edge of the chest, a little above elbow height. The kesubah. The Rebbe very much wanted the kesubah to be written while it was still daytime. That means that even if the chuppah is at night, you need to arrange with the rabbi when to come to him so that he can write the kesubah while it is still daytime. The Rebbe wanted the obligations of the kesubah to be in effect already on the first night, when the couple arrives home, with the date established according to halachah. And if there is sometimes a question about the date, it is the date written at sunset. The Rebbe wanted the obligations of the kesubah to be in effect already on the first night, when they come home. That is why the Rebbe very much wanted—and established the practice—that the kesubah be written while it is still daytime. So you need to arrange with the rabbi when you will come to him: the kinyan is made, the kesubah is written, and the witnesses

34:13 Speaker 2 sign it, all while it is still daytime. At the chuppah itself, the kesubah is only handed over. The reception: there is a reception for the chosson and a reception for the kallah. The books of Chassidus emphasize the verse, “For over every glory there is a canopy”: there is the honor of the chosson, which has its own significance; the honor of the kallah, which has its own significance; and the honor of them both, which is the chuppah. In the homes of the Chabad Rebbeim, in the Rebbe’s family, they were particular that the reception begin in the fifth hour. No reason is given, but it does say that they sought to have it in the fifth hour. I thought to myself that perhaps—as we will see later, the Rebbe says that all the customs of the chuppah are learned from Matan Torah—at Matan Torah there were five sounds. That was the marriage between Hakadosh Boruch Hu and the Jewish people. Perhaps that is why the Rebbe wanted it to be in the fifth hour, but the Rebbe does not give a reason. The Rebbe says they were particular to write “the fifth hour” on his invitation. His chuppah took place much later for an unrelated reason, but even when they did not expect the chuppah to take place at five, they were particular to write “the fifth hour.” The Rebbe relates that he asked where this wording had been copied from, and the Frierdiker Rebbe told him it had been copied from the invitation the Rebbe Maharash wrote for the wedding of the Rebbe Rashab. But the Rebbe does say that they were particular about the reception—the time when the chosson arrives and is welcomed—beginning in the fifth hour. At the Rebbe’s reception, there were lit candles on the table, along with one challah and a torte, but neither the Frierdiker Rebbe nor the Rebbe tasted any of it. Before the Frierdiker Rebbe began saying the maamar, he said: “It is well known that at the joyous occasion of a wedding, the souls of the ancestors come from the World of Truth, going back three generations. This is true for every Jew, and for some it goes back further and further. And as an invitation to the souls of the tzaddikim, our holy Rebbeim and ancestors,

36:50 Speaker 2 to come to the chuppah and bless the couple, Chassidus will now be said that includes a portion from each of the Rebbeim.” For this reason, the Rebbe established the practice that the chosson should recite the maamar “Lecha Dodi,” which includes a passage from each of the Rebbeim. If the chosson cannot do it, it is worthwhile for one of the parents of the couple to recite the maamar “Lecha Dodi” during the reception. The maamar the Rebbe specifies is from 5689, and by now very, very many people simply take it for granted that they also recite the Rebbe’s maamar. In it, you can clearly see that the Rebbe mentions all the Rebbeim; sometimes he even says that one Rebbe said something in the name of another, and you can see how he arranges it so as to mention the names of all the Rebbeim. The Rebbe spoke about saying the maamar from 5689. Today the custom of saying the Rebbe’s maamar has become widespread. I thought to myself—anyone who wants can hear this, but you certainly do not have to—that perhaps it would be worthwhile to say the maamar the Frierdiker Rebbe said for the Rebbe’s wedding beforehand, before everyone gathers at home, or on the way. Then, in public, say the maamar of the Rebbe, the Nasi of our generation, through which he invites all the Rebbeim. The Rebbe says, as my revered father-in-law the Rebbe said, that this is an invitation to the souls of the Rebbeim so that our Rebbeim, the Nesi’im, will take part in the wedding. After all, tzaddikim resemble their Creator, and of Hakadosh Boruch Hu it is written, “I have written and given My very self”—Anochi is an acronym for those words. Hakadosh Boruch Hu put Himself into the Torah. So too, tzaddikim put themselves and gave of themselves in their words of Torah. When we say words of Torah in their names, we invite them to the wedding. And one who repeats a teaching—the Rebbe says we need to think about this—one who repeats a teaching in the name of its author should see it as though the author is standing before him. It is very worthwhile. Whoever can should try to picture in his mind the author of the teaching, the author of the maamar, standing before him, or

39:13 Speaker 2 when the Rebbe’s maamar mentions the Rebbeim, to picture—at least to the extent that we know what they looked like from photographs—as though I am standing before him. An interesting thing about the Rebbe’s conduct: when the Rebbe mentioned one of the Rebbeim during a maamar or a sicha, the Rebbe would rise slightly. The way he rose made it look as though he was adjusting his clothing, but when he mentioned one of the Rebbeim, particularly for the first time at that farbrengen, he was always particular to rise slightly. For a chosson who wishes to do so, the Rebbe does say to try to conduct himself as though the author of the teaching is standing before him: to picture the Rebbe facing him and, with that in mind, to try to recite the maamar and genuinely intend to invite the Rebbe. We mentioned earlier that when the Frierdiker Rebbe invited the Rebbeim, he said he would say Chassidus so that our holy Rebbeim would come to the chuppah and bless the couple. That implies that one of the reasons the Rebbeim come to the chuppah is to bless the couple. That is what the Frierdiker Rebbe says: to bless the couple as well. So this is very, very important. From this it is clear that there is no place at all for shortening the maamar. I have seen chassanim arrive very anxious, with their families putting a lot of pressure on them for various reasons, sometimes really pressing them to hurry. Perhaps the niggunim can be shortened. I have seen some people do something that may be a good idea. On Rosh Hashanah, the Rebbe would customarily have niggunim sung from each of the Rebbeim, and it was understood from the Rebbe that this invokes merit for the entire Jewish people. I have seen chassanim do the same at the reception. It does not appear in the Rebbe’s letters, and apparently they did not do it in earlier years, but today many in Anash do. If time has to be cut, then do not shorten the maamar; shorten the niggunim. So there is no place to shorten the maamar or to sh--

41:26 Speaker 2 Or to repeat only part of the maamar. Especially since, in the maamar the Frierdiker Rebbe said, it isn’t marked which parts come from the Alter Rebbe, which from the Mitteler Rebbe, and which from the Tzemach Tzedek. So if they shorten it and say only part, they don’t always know what will be left out, but it’s clear that something will be left out. That’s why the Rebbe wants them to say the entire maamar. The Rebbe noted—and many times, when he hadn’t received a sufficiently detailed report, he asked whether they had said the entire maamar or not. Once it became the established custom among all Anash not to interrupt in the middle of the maamar, the Rebbe added that, to also observe the custom of those who interrupt its recitation, the groom should start the maamar Lecha Dodi again, and then they should interrupt him. But the Rebbe stressed this and urged it so strongly out of his great Ahavas Yisroel, because the Rebbe wants you to succeed, wants you to succeed, and wants the Rebbeim, the leaders of the Jewish people, the holy and righteous leaders of the generations, to come and bless you. It is very important to say the entire maamar. But the Rebbe did add that afterward they should begin the maamar a second time and then interrupt. There is such an interesting expression from the Rebbe in Igros Kodesh, volume 15, page 401. The Rebbe noted that if, for some reason, the groom repeated only part of the maamar at the reception, if such a thing happened, then at least within the month after the chuppah he should try to repeat the entire maamar. And he should publicize this and encourage everyone in a similar situation: if, for some reason, they said only part, they should complete it and try to say the entire maamar before the chuppah. The Rebbe instituted that people should try to write the tena’im on the day of the chuppah. The custom used to be different. Sometimes they did it weeks or even years before the chuppah. The Rebbe didn’t want that. Years in advance was almost unheard of, because we always tried not to let the interval

44:10 Speaker 2 be too long, but there were a few isolated cases like that. The Rebbe wanted—the Rebbe said this about people who wrote the tena’im so early, in a case where it later emerged that there was a problem and, for some reason, the shidduch had to be called off. It turned out that one of the parties had a health issue with halachic implications, because of which they had to postpone or cancel the wedding. The Rebbe then said, “In general, why do Anash write the tena’im so early?” So the Rebbe established the practice of writing the tena’im on the wedding day. But in our times, we often hear stories of weddings being postponed. From time to time, we hear about a wedding that was postponed—whether because someone on one side wasn’t feeling well or because there was a lockdown. In such a case, one needs to ask a rav whether the wedding may be postponed. There have been times when, because they couldn’t proceed, the wedding was suddenly postponed. So the Rebbe writes in Igros Kodesh, volume 7, page 38: If a wedding has been postponed, then, if the bride and the parents agree, in my opinion it would be advisable to write the tena’im on the day originally intended for the wedding. And if the... if the tena’im have already been written—which we generally don’t do today—then even so, the parents on both sides should try to gather and speak with one another, particularly about matters concerning the wedding, and this farbrengen should be held with joy. The Rebbe writes that it should be accompanied by a seudas mitzvah, such as a siyum of a tractate, a Melaveh Malkah, or something similar, which adds to the joy. These details are very, very important. In our wording, at the outset, we write that they will marry in a good and auspicious time, according to the law of Moshe and Yisroel; that neither will conceal or hide assets from the other; that they will have equal control over their property; and that they will live together with love

46:45 Speaker 2 and affection, as is the way of the world. The Rebbe says that, at first glance, one might have thought it appropriate to write immediately that they will marry in a good and auspicious time and live together, and only afterward to write that neither will conceal or hide assets from the other. Nevertheless, the Rebbe says, first we write that neither will conceal or hide assets from the other, and they become partners. In our wording, we write, “They will have equal control over their property.” That is important to know. The Rebbe explains why this is written even before “they will live together with love and affection, as is the way of the world,” by first making a general point: the Jewish people are children of Hashem. Just as a child is in the likeness and image of his father, so, as it were, the Jewish people are like Hakadosh Boruch Hu, resembling the One Above. And it is obvious that everything must be according to the Torah, or according to a Jewish custom, which is itself Torah. The Rebbe then explains why the wording is actually arranged this way. But it is very important to make clear from the outset—and to let the groom and bride know—that the intention is for them to live together with love and affection, as is the way of the world, and that it also says neither will conceal or hide assets from the other and that they will have equal control over their property. The established custom is that after the tena’im are read, the mothers break an earthenware plate. After the reading—they write the tena’im, make a kinyan, read them, and then the custom is for the mothers to break an earthenware plate. For conducting the chuppah, it is very, very important to choose a rav who knows halachah well. Sometimes people want to honor various individuals. That isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes people make mistakes, and it is very important to choose someone who really knows the halachah. Our established custom is to use a gold ring for kiddushin, a plain, round ring with nothing engraved on it, inside or out, round on both the inside and the outside. That is the custom, as

49:24 Speaker 2 stated in the Shulchan Aruch at the beginning of the laws of kiddushin. Interestingly, the Rebbe’s father wrote to him to ask the Frierdiker Rebbe why a gold ring is customary. Why not a silver ring? The Hebrew word for silver, kesef, is related to longing—as in “I have longed deeply”—which suits a wedding. So why wouldn’t we want a silver ring? The Rebbe says in a sicha that the question is even stronger: the Mishnah says that kiddushin is effected with money or something of monetary value. And according to Kabbalah—as we mentioned earlier, the Rebbe’s father wrote to him that it would be fitting to perform kiddushin with a silver ring, since marriage is also about love, and kesef, silver, is related to longing: “I have longed deeply.” But the Rebbe says: In practice, what I saw, and what the Frierdiker Rebbe instructed, was that it should be a gold ring, and that is the custom of all Anash. We can also note Teshuvos Maimoniyos, Laws of Marriage, section 19, which discusses this as well. They were careful that the ring be completely plain. The Rebbe emphasizes that nothing was engraved on the ring—nothing at all. Some people have their wedding date engraved on the ring. That certainly should not be there at the time of the wedding, but the Rebbe wants nothing on it. Even the standard engraving that the government requires to indicate the gold content—the number of karats marked on the item today—the Rebbe instructed that this too be scraped off, so it would not be there. And the Rebbe says: At first glance, there would be more reason to perform kiddushin with silver. Why do we use a ring? The Rebbe cites an interesting phrase: Tamar asked Yehudah for “your seal and your cord,” meaning the ring with which he affixed his seal. The Rebbe says that the Hebrew word for ring, taba’as, is also related to teva, nature—that is, the natural order. In the natural order, it is not always apparent that the world belongs to Hashem. Shabbos is the seal upon the world: it bears the stamp, the testimony and remembrance of the act of Creation, that Hakadosh Boruch Hu constantly gives life to and brings the world into being. In marriage, whose purpose is to draw down the power of the ayin

52:06 Speaker 2 Ultimately, there will be children, and we use a ring; the idea is that the Infinite should permeate the reality of nature as well. The Rebbe also gives a reason according to the revealed dimension of Torah: it is similar to the custom not to perform kiddushin with a ring that has a stone in it. All right, so the kiddushin take place at night. Sorry. The kiddushin are performed with a gold ring that is round on the inside and the outside. Some Kabbalah books say that on the outside it should have the shape of a final mem, a closed mem, while the inside should be round like a samech. Our custom is for the ring to be completely round, both inside and out. There are opinions that the kiddushin should not take place at night. The Rebbe’s kiddushin did take place at night. And the next sentence is very, very important. The groom should thoroughly rehearse the words he says under the chuppah: “Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to the law of Moshe and Yisroel.” When the rabbi comes and says it along with him, the rabbi has a bit of a problem saying “to me”—she is supposed to be consecrated to the groom, not to the rabbi. It is very important that the groom rehearse and know by heart, correctly and clearly, what he is about to say: “Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to the law of Moshe and Yisroel.” Our custom is—I’ve gotten a little ahead of myself with matters relating to the chuppah and kiddushin—our custom is that the groom holds the ring in his hand and begins saying to the bride, “Behold, you…” When he finishes “…and Yisroel,” he places the ring firmly on her finger; at that point it leaves his possession and becomes hers. But it is very, very, very important not to let go of the ring before he has finished saying the entire sentence. It is very important not to let go of the ring before he finishes the sentence. If he lets go before finishing it, he will give the rabbi a lot of headaches. I have been at weddings where the groom put the ring on the bride’s finger and only afterward said to her, “Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to the law of Moshe

54:53 Speaker 2 and Yisroel.” The rabbi noticed what had happened, took a pen out of his pocket, gave it to the groom, and said, “Perform the kiddushin again, and don’t give it to her until you’ve finished.” So he had him perform the kiddushin again, and the groom gave her a pen and said, “Behold, you are consecrated to me with this pen according to the law of Moshe and Yisroel.” So it is very, very important to finish speaking first and only then let go. We begin putting the ring on her finger midway through; we don’t wait until the end, and we specifically begin midway through. But we do not let go of the ring. We let go only after he has finished. All right, the custom is that before going to the chuppah, we try not to have any silver or gold objects, coins, or precious stones in our pockets. We generally take everything out. If the groom has in his pocket—sorry—if the groom has silver or gold objects or precious stones in his pocket, we take them all out beforehand. That applies to clothing too: something like a silver pin or a decorative brooch should be removed, and certainly he should not be holding anything like that in his hands. We are careful that, apart from the knots in his tzitzis, the groom should have no knots on him—not in his tie. If his tie is knotted, it should be undone. Not in his shoelaces, either. It is very important to untie them beforehand. The Rebbe told Reb Berel Junik that the choice of who officiates at the kiddushin belongs to the bride’s side. He had asked the Rebbe to officiate at his kiddushin, and the Rebbe told him that it belonged to the bride’s side. When a wedding is held in the bride’s locality, the Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah 245:22, says that it belongs to the local rabbi there. That is the custom in many places: the decision belongs to the bride’s side. And that is indeed what the Rebbe told Reb Berel Junik—that the choice of who officiates at the kiddushin belongs to the bride’s side. And as I mentioned, the officiating rabbi must

57:31 Speaker 2 be someone who knows the halachos well and reviews them from time to time, and the wedding, of course, must be conducted properly according to halachah. We’ve come to the officiating rabbi. We said earlier that one must make sure he is a rabbi, rather than simply looking for a distinguished person to honor with the role. The rule is that whenever someone hears a blessing and intends to fulfill his obligation through it, he should not answer “Boruch Hu uvaruch Shemo.” The person who actually needs to recite the blessing is the groom, to fulfill his own obligation and the bride’s. The principle is that hearing is equivalent to reciting. We do not interrupt in the middle of a blessing. And the Alter Rebbe writes that if someone says “Boruch Hu uvaruch Shemo” in the middle of the blessing, it is possible that even after the fact he has not fulfilled his obligation, because he interrupted between “Boruch Atah Hashem” and “Elokeinu” with something the Sages did not institute. Someone who acts this way is changing the formula the Sages established for blessings. The Alter Rebbe writes this about blessings in general. From this we learn that the groom and bride should not answer “Boruch Hu uvaruch Shemo.” The Alter Rebbe says that the public must be warned about this, because many stumble over it. Sometimes people hear a blessing and want to be especially pious, so they answer “Boruch Hu uvaruch Shemo.” But if they need to fulfill an obligation through any blessing, they do not say “Boruch Hu uvaruch Shemo”; they only answer “Amen” after the blessings. They intend, of course, to fulfill their obligation both with Borei Pri Hagafen and with the second blessing, the birkas eirusin, which ends with the words, “Boruch Atah Hashem, Who sanctifies His people Yisroel through chuppah and kiddushin.” After the blessings, the groom and bride are given wine to drink. And what I said, again, is not a halachah; if someone shows me that it says otherwise, I’ll be glad to see it. But for many years now, some families have tried to bring white wine

59:44 Speaker 2 so that if it spills on the bride, it won’t leave a stain or cause embarrassment. White wine is less likely to stain a white dress or a light-colored wedding gown. I’m not sure one could call this a halachah, but many people do it. So after the blessing of Borei Pri Hagafen and the drinking of the wine, which is given to both the groom and the bride, the groom consecrates the bride with the ring. As we mentioned earlier, he says, “Behold, you are consecrated to me with this ring according to the law of Moshe and Yisroel.” It is much more important to choose qualified witnesses than people we want to honor because they are respected family members, or because of connections or financial considerations or something like that. Choose witnesses who, according to halachah, are people careful to conduct themselves in accordance with Hashem’s will. The reading of the kesubah. The kesubah is read in the middle of the wedding, during the chuppah, to separate the first Borei Pri Hagafen, recited with the birkas eirusin, from the Borei Pri Hagafen that we will shortly recite with the birkas nisuin. An interesting thing is that when the Rebbe officiated at kiddushin, on both occasions people heard him say “Savri maranan” before reciting Borei Pri Hagafen—in the Ashkenazi pronunciation, “Savri maranan.” He said it both before the Borei Pri Hagafen for the birkas nisuin and before the Borei Pri Hagafen for the blessings—sorry, both before the Borei Pri Hagafen for the birkas eirusin and before the blessings that begin with Borei Pri Hagafen and continue with the other six blessings of birkas nisuin. So first the kesubah is read. Marzel[?] does write to recite Shehecheyanu over the cup, and after that the seven blessings listed there are recited, and the groom and bride drink a second time. When is the kesubah handed over? There are several opinions about that. Anyone who looks in the Tur and Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha’ezer, section 66, will see

1:02:01 Speaker 2 There are several opinions about when the kesubah should be handed over. The Rebbe cites the Sheiltos, a work by one of the early authorities—or perhaps even one of the Geonim: “One who wishes to marry a woman must first perform kiddushin and recite the blessing of erusin.” We mentioned that our practice is to say the blessing of erusin before performing the mitzvah. It is like the blessing “Who has sanctified us with His commandments and commanded us to put on tefillin,” which we say before putting on tefillin. So we say the blessing of erusin beforehand as well. The Sheiltos continues: “And the wedding blessings in the presence of ten, and he hands her the kesubah.” The Rebbe cites this, but as a note, not as a halachic ruling. From the Rebbe’s letter, it is not clear to me whether this means immediately after the kiddushin, after the reading of the kesubah, or after all seven blessings have been recited. From what I have seen, most Chabad rabbis are accustomed to having someone read the kesubah after the kiddushin, and then the groom gives the kesubah to the bride. Our custom is to use the same cup over which the blessings of erusin were recited—the first two blessings, Borei Pri Hagafen and the blessing beginning “Who has sanctified us with His commandments,” through its conclusion, “Blessed are You, Hashem, Who sanctifies His people Israel through chuppah and kiddushin”—for the wedding blessings as well. We begin again with Borei Pri Hagafen and continue with another six blessings. Here, too, the same rule applies as before: throughout the blessings, the bride and groom intend to fulfill their obligation. Borei Pri Hagafen is for them too, so they do not say “Baruch Hu uvaruch Shemo.” They do answer amen to each blessing. After the bride and groom drink from the cup for the second time, someone else is given the cup to finish, and the groom breaks that same cup with his right foot.

1:04:43 Speaker 2 As we said, our custom is that the cup over which the blessings of erusin were recited is also the cup over which the wedding blessings, the Sheva Brachos, were recited. That is the cup the groom breaks. It is worth mentioning that the halachic authorities discuss which is preferable to break, an earthenware cup or a glass cup. Some passages in the early authorities imply earthenware; others imply glass. Perhaps—and I say perhaps—that is why the custom spread among us, at least from what I have seen, to break an earthenware plate at the vort and after the tena’im, and a glass cup at the wedding. The groom wears a kittel under the chuppah. This resembles Yom Kippur, and it is customary for the groom to wear a kittel. But he wears it under his outer garment so that it does not show. That is what appears in the Rebbe’s letters, volume 5, page 87: “A kittel is worn under the chuppah, but it is worn beneath the outer garment so that it will not be noticeable.” The kittel is so significant for us that on Yom Kippur in the year of his wedding, the groom does not wear a kittel, not even a different one, because he has already worn one on his Yom Kippur of that year—his wedding day. Of course, the fast on Yom Kippur is still a fast, but among us the kittel is worn only once a year, and in the year of the wedding, that is on the wedding day. Nitei Gavriel records an instruction from the Frierdiker Rebbe that he told grooms all their clothes should be new. A groom wears all new clothes. That is the accepted custom. The Rebbe’s father writes to him that he should wear a new kittel, over his clothing as well. The implication there is that it goes over the shirt but under the sirtuk. Among us, many Chabad chassidim are accustomed to wearing a shirt of the Rebbe’s, or even a sirtuk of the Rebbe’s, if they have one, or a shirt that contains a piece of the Rebbe’s clothing. We regard the Rebbe’s shirt as a kittel. Some

1:07:24 Speaker 2 did this even before covering the bride’s face. Others did it after covering the bride’s face, but it is very, very important. Most Chabad chassidim are accustomed to doing it after covering the bride’s face. The Rebbe’s father writes to him: “Have two sirtuks made for yourself. At the chuppah, wear a silk sirtuk. After the chuppah, if you wish, you may wear another garment that is not made of silk.” The Rebbe’s father writes to him to wear a silk sirtuk at the chuppah. But the letter implies that both for the chuppah and for the wedding celebration, a new garment is needed. In other words, even someone who changes clothes—wearing silk at the chuppah and then, knowing he will dance a lot and sweat at the wedding, not wanting to ruin the silk garment, which generally wears out more quickly than a wool sirtuk—even if he changes into another sirtuk made of wool for the wedding celebration, he should certainly try to make sure it is new. We already said that it is customary to wear a gartel from Minchah before the chuppah. The gartel is worn at the chuppah as well. Standing under the chuppah is a very great eis ratzon, a favorable time. It is a time to ask for things. There are several details here that are important to know in advance. The Rebbe’s father writes to him: “While you stand under the chuppah, think the entire time about fear of Heaven.” The Rebbe’s father writes: “That is what the Rebbe Rashab told me before my wedding.” The Rebbe Rashab said these words to Rabbi Levi Yitzchak, the Rebbe’s father: “While you stand under the chuppah, think the entire time about fear of Heaven, and that you should have children who fear Heaven, a blessed generation of upright people, from the woman your own age with whom Hashem has blessed you.” This is the time to ask. Do you remember? We learned chapter 25 of Tanya. Now is the time to accept upon myself the yoke of Heaven, so that my life will be as described in chapter 25 of Tanya. This is the time to ask for children who fear Heaven, a blessed generation of upright people.

1:09:55 Speaker 2 In 5738, an addition from the maamarim of the Mitteler Rebbe was printed in Likkutei Sichos for Parshas Yisro. It says: “The reason the groom is placed under the chuppah on his wedding day is that the chuppah is a level of makif, an encompassing spiritual influence, and everything he will accomplish in the service of Hashem throughout his life is drawn to him from that makif at this time. Therefore, he must bind his thoughts to Hashem then, and through this he will draw down from the makif at that time.” While he is standing under the chuppah, that is the time to draw it down. “And this is sufficient for one who understands.” I personally heard from Rabbi Shlomo Zarchi, may he live and be well, who told me in the name of his grandfather that the Rebbe Rashab had said to him—I will give you the Rebbe Rashab’s words and then translate them: “When one stands under the chuppah, kabbolas ol can draw down an influence for fifty years: children and grandchildren who are chassidim, Temimim, and G-d-fearing.” When someone stands under the chuppah and accepts upon himself kabbolas ol, to conduct himself as Hashem wishes, as he learned in chapter 25 of Tanya, he draws this down for fifty years—for himself, for his children, and for his children’s children, his grandchildren—that they should be chassidim, Temimim, and G-d-fearing. Kabbolas ol at the chuppah is very important. At a farbrengen on 11 Kislev 5739, Reb Leibel Groner farbrenged at a family member’s wedding. He related that a chossid from Munkatch once went in to the Rebbe for yechidus and asked the Rebbe how to prepare for his wedding. The Rebbe told him that during the chuppah, he should picture before his eyes the Rebbe of Munkatch as he had seen him at his very best. I heard something similar from Reb Dovid Druskin, of blessed memory. He had yechidus before his wedding, and in the course of their conversation the Rebbe told him: “Picture the Rebbe during the chuppah. During the chuppah, picture the Rebbe’s face in your mind.” He told me, “For me, that was not a problem, because the Rebbe himself officiated at the kiddushin.” Though the implication was that the Rebbe was probably referring to the Frierdiker Rebbe. During the chuppah is a time to picture

1:12:23 Speaker 2 Keep the Rebbe’s face before your eyes. Once, a woman asked for a blessing that her friend should become a bride, and the Rebbe told her: On the way to the chuppah, or at the beginning, when you are standing under the chuppah, think about your friend and ask that she, too, become a bride. Many people are accustomed to giving the chosson and kallah requests to pray for, but they should not be left holding things in their hands. If someone gives them a note, they can read it briefly, but the practice is to pass it on immediately and not keep anything in their hands. In our community, although our invitation says the chuppah will be at five o’clock, there was no insistence that it take place at five, or even during the day. Our established custom, as stated in the Rema, is to hold the chuppah under the open sky as a good sign that their descendants should be as numerous as the stars in the sky. Once, in 5711, the Rebbe heard that because it was cold, they wanted to hold a chuppah inside the hall. The Rebbe himself said: “My wedding was also in winter. The chuppah was held under the open sky, and, boruch Hashem, I am pleased with the match.” The custom is to make an effort to hold the chuppah under the open sky. If it is inside a building, but the area directly above the chuppah is open to the sky—if there is an opening in the roof above it—then even though the chuppah is in a room inside the hall, that is also considered acceptable, as though it were outside. The established custom throughout Chabad is that when the chosson is led to cover the kallah’s face, for the badeken, and at the beginning of the chuppah, when the chosson and kallah are led to the chuppah, the Alter Rebbe’s niggun, the Four Stanzas, is played. I want to add something here that is important to know. The Frierdiker Rebbe said—as recorded in Sefer Haniggunim, volume 1, published by Nichoach, page 44—there is an extensive discussion of the niggun there, but there is something there connected, I

1:14:46 Speaker 2 think, to the chuppah. When this niggun is played with inner feeling, it is an auspicious time for teshuvah and hiskashrus. That is when it is sung with purity of heart, after a person has done teshuvah properly. In the language of Chassidus, after he has performed “the removal of the ashes from the altar”—removing the ashes left after the burning. When you take stock of yourself and remove the waste, that is called the removal of the ashes. After the avodah of Tikkun Chatzos, after a genuine Shema—Shema before bed—and great effort in davening. When the niggun of the Four Stanzas is played, one can ask for personal deliverance, for children and life. So the custom is to play the Four Stanzas when they are led away from the chuppah. We are accustomed to opening right away with a word from the Rebbe. The Rebbe’s blessing is conveyed to the chosson and kallah. It is customary to read the Rebbe’s letter, and someone is honored with reading it. The kohanim present are invited to bless the chosson and kallah. In fact, as I mentioned, our standard wedding invitation contains something very interesting. It emphasizes why we invite everyone. It says: “With joy and gladness of heart, we invite our friends and acquaintances to kindly rejoice together with us on the day of our heartfelt joy and bless the couple, may they live, so that we may all be blessed with mazel tov and happy lives, materially and spiritually.” This implies that we try to have everyone bless the chosson and kallah with mazel tov and happy lives, materially and spiritually. So this is certainly also an opportunity to honor the chosson’s parents and the kallah’s parents with blessing the chosson and kallah. Some also honor those who have come from the higher worlds, as we mentioned. Again, what I am saying now is not a halachic ruling, but I think it is a good thing. Since at least three generations come, and we have also invited everyone, we can ask that the souls who have come bless the chosson and kallah with happy lives, materially and spiritually. It is preferable that the wedding and the chuppah

1:17:31 Speaker 2 be held near each other, so people do not have to travel a long distance from one place to the other. Our custom is generally to hold the wedding in the kallah’s location, and this is also in the Rebbe’s instructions. In Likkutei Sichos, volume 24, and Igros Kodesh, volume 15, page 330, the Rebbe notes that the custom is generally to hold it where the kallah’s family is—that is, wherever they want it. Interestingly, the Mitteler Rebbe writes in Maamarei Admur HaEmtza’i, Drushei Chasunah, volume 1, pages 147 and 165, an interesting expression: “Nowadays, only the father of the bride makes the feast, specifically in his own place and city, and the groom goes to the bride’s home to rejoice there during the seven days of celebration, as happened with Yaakov Avinu: ‘And Lavan gathered all the people of the place,’ and so on. Afterward, he brings her to his home, in his own place and city, or to his home in that same city. So it was also at the Giving of the Torah, which is called ‘the day of His wedding.’” Hakadosh Boruch Hu and the Jewish people are compared to a chosson and kallah. Hashem descended from His place to dwell on Mount Sinai. A note there also cites Toras Chaim on Parshas Shemos, page 300a: “In the time of the Beis Hamikdash, the custom was for the groom to make the wedding feast, and the main purpose of the feast was for the bride, so it was called by her name. But during exile, the bride makes the feast for the groom, and the feast is called by his name.” In practice, the Rebbe writes that the general custom is to hold it where the kallah’s family is, wherever they want it. The Rebbe wants the wedding to be great spiritually, not necessarily through great financial expenditure. The Rebbe did not want to prevent people from coming to a wedding. On the contrary, the Rebbe very much wants everyone to take part in their friend’s celebration. But one should not be overly tied to material things, sometimes making a large wedding and then having to look for a way to pay the expenses. The Rebbe wants the wedding to be great spiritually, and usually that is connected with reducing the material side and refining the world—olam, related to the word for concealment—reducing

1:19:38 Speaker 2 that in general. It is not worth spending a great deal of money. As our Sages said, “The Torah has concern for the money of the Jewish people.” In Igros Kodesh, volume 29, page 40, the Rebbe writes: “I do not understand at all why one should strain oneself with exceptional expenses specifically to have a large wedding, and so on, when what matters is that the wedding be great in quality.” In quality, as our Sages expounded on the verse “a great feast”: the Great One of the worlds was there. That means it should be evident in every detail of the wedding, in all the essential matters concerning the chosson and kallah, in their preparations for the wedding and their decisions for the future, that they intend to conduct themselves in a way the Great One of the worlds approves of, and that they will merit to have the Shechinah dwell between them. That does not always require great financial expenditure. True, one should endeavor to give tzedakah, and in that regard one should indeed try to give as much as possible. That is not an expense, because Hakadosh Boruch Hu promises, “You shall surely tithe”—tithe so that you will become wealthy. Hakadosh Boruch Hu says, “Test Me, please, in this.” But when people seek a wedding that will make everyone say “wow,” that is not worthwhile for several reasons. Someone actually said to me not long ago, when I was at a wedding celebration, “Ah, yes, the place is smaller. Pure Jewish joy.” The people who are there try to rejoice and to bring joy with all their might. They are not trying to put on some extraordinary show to make people’s eyes pop. It is very important that the joy be genuine and pure, and that people rejoice wholeheartedly with one another and look for ways to help each other. On the other hand, the Rebbe also addresses the opposite approach to holding a wedding: whether to increase the number of guests when that means going into heavy debt. There the Rebbe writes not to make it very, very large. The Rambam’s ruling in Hilchos De’os is well known: the middle path is the straight and proper path. One should take the middle course, neither spending lavishly nor being excessively stingy. And it is understood regarding

1:21:49 Speaker 2 As explained in Chassidus, it is specifically the middle line that is “the central bar,” reaching higher and higher. In another letter, the Rebbe writes in Igros Kodesh, volume 17, page 306: “There is no place at all for arranging a wedding under financial strain.” The two are opposites. A wedding should be joyous, and joy breaks through barriers, reaching the broadest expanses of the self. That is the complete opposite of financial strain. The Rebbe notes that the joy of a groom and bride about to marry according to the law of Moshe and Yisroel is exceptionally great—joy beyond all measure and limitation. The Rebbe points to the joy of a wedding even though, even though, even though you might say: There is a groom and a bride here; this seems to be the private joy of these people, the groom and bride and their families. But it also has a connection to the entire Jewish people. It is a joy for all the Jewish people. On another occasion, the Rebbe said he did not want to place limits on the joy, because every private celebration has a bearing on the Beis Hamikdash. When Yaakov Avinu married, Lavan, as the Torah says, “gathered all the people of the place.” There is a reason to celebrate, but there is no need to insist on great expense. The order, as the Frierdiker Rebbe writes, is that a large crowd comes to greet the groom, and then a large crowd goes with the groom to greet the bride. The groom covers the bride’s face with a veil, and they proceed to the chuppah. Before I continue discussing the chuppah, I want to emphasize something important for the bride to know beforehand. There is a concept called kiddushin: “Behold, you are consecrated to me.” What do those words mean? What does “Behold, you are consecrated to me” mean? It means that the groom says to the bride: From today onward, you belong to me and only to me, and to no one else. From that moment she belongs to the groom and, of course, is forbidden to everyone else; she will be permitted to the groom after the blessings and the chuppah are completed. But it is very important to recognize this. It is important to know it in advance.

1:24:11 Speaker 2 It is important to know this even before the badekenish. Why is it important to know it before the badekenish—before the bride’s face is covered? In Likkutei Torah on Shir Hashirim, page 47, column 4, at the end of section 1, the Tzemach Tzedek cites the Beis Shmuel, who says that some halachic authorities consider the covering of the bride’s face to be the chuppah already, and that the legal act of marriage begins there. That, too, is important to know: there is an opinion that already when the bride’s face is covered, this is... this is already taking place. Many among Anash customarily obtain a handkerchief, cloth, or something else that was with the Rebbe or the Rebbetzin, and use it to cover the bride’s face. Shushvinim—the people who escort the groom and bride to the chuppah. First, let’s explain what is customarily done. The custom is to have a married couple from each side, specifically a married husband and wife. We’ll come back to a few more details about that shortly. The custom is that the fathers of the groom and bride escort the groom, and the mothers of the groom and bride escort the bride. Here I want to return to several details of the customs concerning the shushvinim. Why do we need shushvinim? Why can’t the groom and bride come to the chuppah on their own? The Rebbe writes about this in an interesting way. The straightforward purpose of the shushvinim is that, until now, the groom and bride were strangers to one another. Because of embarrassment and so on, it is difficult for them to stand together in a state of closeness at their wedding. They therefore need the help of the shushvinim. These are loving friends of the groom and bride who support and encourage them and help them grow closer to one another. That is the reason for the Jewish custom of choosing a married couple as shushvinim. It is obvious that, to encourage the groom and bride to grow close and establish a good relationship with one another, it is fitting for a man who is already married, who has already gone through marriage, to guide the groom, and for a woman who is already married to

1:26:56 Speaker 2 guide the bride. So I mentioned earlier that the shushvinim have a role, and part of that role is to help the groom and bride stand beside one another in the right way. I said that the custom is for the parents—the fathers—to escort the groom and bride, and the mothers to escort the gr—sorry, the fathers escort the groom and the mothers escort the bride. The Zohar, Bereishis, page 49a, implies that the groom’s parents escort him to the chuppah and the bride’s parents escort her. But as I mentioned, the Rema writes in Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De’ah, section 391, paragraph 3: “The custom in our country is that two men bring the groom under the chuppah.” The Rebbe also notes in Likkutei Sichos, volume 22, in the sicha on Parshas Tazria, footnote 37, that two men bring him in. Some people want to argue otherwise based on the Rebbe’s wedding, where things were different. The Rebbe’s parents were not at his wedding. The Frierdiker Rebbe escorted the Rebbe to the wedding together with a relative, an uncle named Rabbi Orenstein. When it was time to bring the bride, the Frierdiker Rebbe returned to where she was and went to the chuppah together with the bride’s mother. The groom’s parents were not there. So, since they were not there, the Frierdiker Rebbe went back and brought his daughter as well. It turned out that he was a shushvin for both the groom and the bride. But in ordinary circumstances, as the Rebbe notes in Likkutei Sichos, volume 22, the standard custom is for two men—the fathers—to escort the groom to the chuppah, and for the mothers to escort the bride. In some places, the custom is that a pregnant woman does not serve as a shushvin. The Rebbe writes: “I have not been able to establish the Chabad custom in this matter.” Therefore, if the mother is pregnant, it is advisable to have another married couple, besides the parents, also escort the groom

1:29:32 Speaker 2 or the bride, and Heaven knows which of them are considered the actual shushvinim. Generally, it would be very painful for a mother not to escort her daughter to the chuppah. If the father is married to another woman, or the mother is married to another man, then it is advisable to have a married couple besides the shushvinim escort the groom or bride, whichever one it is. In addition, it is advisable for the father and his wife, or the mother and her husband—whoever is there; if both are there, then they too should circle with the bride. The custom is for the shushvinim, both men and women, to circle the groom together with the bride. Among us, the bride customarily circles the groom seven times. The shushvinim carry lit candles in their hands—the candles are deliberately lit—and circle the groom seven times. Regarding the candles, the Rebbe notes in the source I mentioned earlier, Likkutei Sichos, volume 22, the sicha on Parshas Tazria, footnote 46: Where do we learn all the customs of a groom and bride? From the Giving of the Torah. There, Hakadosh Boruch Hu presented Himself, as it were, as a groom before the entire Jewish people. There were thunder, lightning, flames, and so on. That is also where the custom of carrying fire at the chuppah comes from. Obviously, care must be taken that, G-d forbid, nothing catches fire or causes harm. And, as we mentioned, the custom among Anash is to circle seven times. Why specifically seven? I have not seen it written anywhere. Later I will mention something I once heard, but I want to stress that what I will mention is not halachah. First, the Shaar Hakollel explains why the bride circles the groom under the chuppah. It cites the Mitteler Rebbe’s Toras Chaim, which connects this to what Yosef saw in his dream, that the brothers [unclear]

1:32:19 Speaker 2 Your sheaves, and after that, “and bowed down to my sheaf.” He saw the sheaves moving around his sheaf, as it were. Yosef had to influence the tribes, and they would have to receive from him, with the recipient submitting to the one who gives. So first the tribes’ sheaves had to move around his, and afterward came “and bowed down to my sheaf.” For the recipient to submit to the one who gives, she first has to circle him, like the bride under the chuppah. She circles the groom first, and afterward she is united with him, receives from him, and becomes bound to him. And he notes there: Look also at the Ramban’s commentary on the Torah, on the verse “your sheaves gathered around.” As for the seven circuits, I haven’t seen a reason given for why there are seven, but the established custom among all Anash is to make seven circuits. I emphasize that what follows is not halachah, but I think it can add something. On a simple level, one could say they correspond to the seven middos. But I once saw something a groom had written: during the chuppah, one should try to think of the names of all the Rebbes, thinking of one Rebbe’s name together with his mother’s name during each circuit. On the first circuit, think of the Alter Rebbe’s name, Rabbi Schneur Zalman ben Rivkah. On the second, the Mitteler Rebbe’s name, Rabbi Dov Ber ben Shterna. On the third, the Tzemach Tzedek’s name, Rabbi Menachem Mendel ben Devorah Leah. On the fourth, the Rebbe Maharash’s name, Rabbi Shmuel ben Chaya Mushka. On the fifth, the Rebbe Rashab’s name, Rabbi Sholom Dov Ber ben Rebbetzin Rivkah. On the sixth, the Frierdiker Rebbe’s name, Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak ben Shterna Sarah. And on the seventh, the Rebbe’s name, ben Chana. Would I call this halachah? Certainly not. Would I say it’s a custom I’ve also found written down?

1:34:42 Speaker 2 No, but I once found it in a letter by a groom, and I liked it. For anyone who wants to do it, I think it’s a good thing. I want to emphasize explicitly that I have not seen it written anywhere in halachah. Rabbi Hodakov was in yechidus with the Frierdiker Rebbe, and the Frierdiker Rebbe told him that after the chuppah he should lightly step on the bride’s foot. Our custom is for the bride to stand to the groom’s right, so her left side is on his right. The Frierdiker Rebbe told Rabbi Hodakov to step lightly on the bride’s foot. That is what it says in the book Chuppas Chassanim, and it is cited by later authorities. In any case, if it is a chuppas niddah, it is certainly forbidden to do this. The groom may not touch the bride. I heard from a Jew named Rabbi Yehuda Kaplan. He told me that when he was in yechidus before his wedding, the Rebbe spoke with him in English and told him not to do it. The Rebbe told him: First of all, it isn’t modest. Second, what need is there for segulos? After all, it’s a segulah so that his voice will be heard in the home—that his wife will listen to her husband. And he said: If you conduct yourself properly, your voice will be heard in the home. You specifically want a segulah? I’ll give you one: The groom should enter the yichud room first. And if you forgot, then before she enters the house, the groom should go in first. It would seem that today, with the large hoops worn under bridal gowns, that isn’t so practical. I haven’t heard a general instruction on this. I’ve related an instruction given to Rabbi Hodakov by the Frierdiker Rebbe, and I’ve related an instruction the Rebbe gave to a chossid named Rabbi Yehuda Kaplan. It would seem that today, in most places, people follow the Rebbe’s instruction to Rabbi Yehuda Kaplan. Among Polish chassidim there was a saying that when the groom stands under the chuppah, it is an auspicious time Above for the wishes of his heart to be fulfilled. So we’ve already spoken

1:37:03 Speaker 2 earlier about all kinds of requests. This is the time to ask, and the Rebbe notes that this is based on what our Sages say: A groom is forgiven for all his sins on the day of his chuppah. A groom is compared to a king, to the point that he is likened to the one formed by Hashem’s hands in the Garden of Eden of old, before the sin of the Tree of Knowledge, when the world was in its fullness. So the chuppah truly is a special time for all the wishes of his heart to be fulfilled for the good. Ah, there’s a detail I skipped; I should have mentioned it earlier. The usual practice at the kiddushin is to put the ring on the finger called the index finger. Why that finger? The Rebbe brings an interesting point from Chuppas Chassanim, which explains it this way: Psalm 19 speaks about the groom—“like a groom emerging from his chuppah”—and it also speaks of things “more desirable than gold and much fine gold.” If you look, you’ll find something interesting. There are six phrases there, each with five words, corresponding to the six orders of the Mishnah and the Five Books of the Torah. In each one, Hashem’s Name falls on the word counted on the index finger. For example: “The Torah of Hashem is perfect, restoring the soul.” “The fear of Hashem is pure, enduring forever.” “The judgments of Hashem are true, altogether righteous.” There are six phrases corresponding to the six orders of the Mishnah, and five words in each phrase corresponding to the Five Books of the Torah. We mentioned that everything is learned from the Giving of the Torah. After those phrases, it continues, “more desirable than gold.” The word “than gold” falls on the index finger. That is why the custom is to perform kiddushin by placing the ring on the finger called the index finger. Another detail is important to emphasize: If the bride is left-handed, she should speak with the rabbi officiating at the kiddushin beforehand. Will she extend the index finger of her left hand or of her right hand to receive the ring? Some rabbis will say one thing, and some will say the other. It’s worth arranging this and knowing in advance which finger

1:39:46 Speaker 2 she will extend. Our established custom is that the bride and groom do not walk hand in hand after the chuppah. After the chuppah, before they enter the yichud room, our custom is to put a silver spoon on the floor at the entrance. The groom steps over the silver spoon—of course, he does not step on it—and then the bride enters and steps over it. At the Rebbe’s wedding? The parents of the bride and groom also entered the yichud room. The Frierdiker Rebbe poured a cup of tea for the groom and one for the bride, and told the others to leave the room. Then the Frierdiker Rebbe also left. That is the custom even in the case of a chuppas niddah, when there are sometimes circumstances in which the door may not be locked. After they are served their tea, the others are told to leave the room. Someone who taught me a great deal was a Jew who knew very many customs. He told me whom he had heard this from, and I approached that person, but he didn’t want to tell me. There was a Jew who had been in yechidus with the Frierdiker Rebbe, and the Frierdiker Rebbe told him that when the bride is brought into the yichud room, it is like a child brought into cheder: suddenly he finds himself alone and becomes completely bewildered. The Frierdiker Rebbe told him: Give her a blessing with all your heart. I think that whatever you want to wish for yourselves, this is the time to say “Mazel tov.” Stand there joyfully and give a blessing. This is my own idea; you don’t have to listen to me. You can simply begin with the text of the Priestly Blessing as it appears in the siddur, all the blessings with Hashem’s Name: “Hashem spoke to Moshe, saying: Speak to Aharon and his sons, saying: This is how you shall bless the Children of Israel: May Hashem bless you and guard you. May Hashem shine His face toward you and be gracious to you. May Hashem turn His face toward you and grant you peace. They shall place My Name upon the Children of Israel, and I will bless them.” Stand and give a blessing with joy, with happiness—everything you want to wish for yourselves in your home. Now you are entering the yichud room.

1:42:12 Speaker 2 Bless. There was a groom who, when he received a siddur from the Rebbe on 23 Kislev 5741, asked: “Is there a Chabad custom to give gifts in the yichud room?” The Rebbe said, “That depends on different customs; everyone can do as they wish.” It’s important to know that. Sometimes people may expect something, and one certainly must not hurt anyone’s feelings over it. Of course, in the yichud room too, they must treat each other with respect. The book Chupas Chassanim says it is advisable for the groom to ask the bride to pour him a drink—of course, only if she is ritually pure. In the maamar Basi Legani 5715, the Rebbe emphasizes that marriage is an exceptionally lofty matter, and therefore a wedding calls for dancing. It is very important to be joyful, and for the bride and groom to make an effort—if there is a disagreement between the parents, perhaps I should have stressed this earlier, before the chuppah—if there is any disagreement between the parents, the bride and groom should make an effort not to get involved. The Rebbe relates that Rav Shmuel bar Rav Yitzchak had a particular practice: at weddings, he would dance a great deal, with dancing and holy folly. In the Basi Legani maamarim, the Rebbe relates that when Rabbi Zeira saw Rav Shmuel bar Rav Yitzchak dancing at weddings, he said, “That old man is embarrassing us.” This elder, a Torah scholar, was behaving frivolously and, he thought, showing disrespect for Torah scholars; he was embarrassing them. When Rav Shmuel bar Rav Yitzchak passed away, a pillar of fire stood between him and everyone else. Rabbi Zeira then said that it had helped the old man, Rav Shmuel bar Rav Yitzchak—whether it was the myrtle branch he danced with, or his approach, or his folly—that folly had helped him. He danced at weddings with holy folly, because a wedding draws down the power of the Infinite

1:44:30 Speaker 2 as we mentioned several times earlier. It draws down into this world something that is beyond seder hishtalshelus, the ordered chain of spiritual worlds, and this is accomplished through service beyond reason and understanding. So it is very, very important to make an effort to bring joy to the bride and groom: those on the groom’s side to the groom, and those on the bride’s side to the bride. It is important to bring them great joy. I know of a wedding that the Rebbe once heard about. The Rebbe suddenly noticed that there had been no music, and immediately sent someone to find out why. He learned that they had no money, and said to hire a klezmer musician right away. The Rebbe paid the expenses and said not to tell anyone it was he who had done so. People thought the musician had come on his own and decided to volunteer at the wedding. The Rebbe did not want to make people feel... But clearly, there should be music; the Rebbe wanted a klezmer musician there. As we mentioned earlier, this need not involve great expense or a large orchestra. It should be something modest. It is more important to give the bride and groom some additional money. Someone who was going to a wedding wrote to the Rebbe, and the Rebbe wrote back: “Bring joy to the bride and groom with Chabad niggunim and the like.” It is worth adding a few details here about Chabad niggunim. In Sefer Hasichos, Summer 5700, Shabbos Parshas Pinchas, section 6, it says that when the Alter Rebbe returned from Mezritch, he said that the Maggid had revealed three things to him: who he was—that the Alter Rebbe was a soul of Atzilus; why his soul had descended into this world—to reveal Chabad Chassidus; and that the revelation of Chabad would come through melody in two ways, ascent and drawing down. On Shavuos 5702, the Frierdiker Rebbe said: “When one hears a niggun, one can tell whether it is filled with a particular content or is a trivial niggun, an empty niggun. A niggun one davens with

1:46:47 Speaker 2 is a niggun filled with content.” In Likkutei Dibburim, Pesach 5703, section 74, the Frierdiker Rebbe explains that there is a niggun with a specific intention—meaning a Rebbe’s niggun, one the Rebbe composed or chose. In general, niggunim have three levels: a niggun with a specific intention; a niggun that expresses something, as among the early chassidim—a niggun of teshuvah, of contemplation, of love between friends, and so on; and a foolish niggun that says nothing and is directed toward nothing. He notes there that when a person sings a niggun and pictures in his mind how he heard it from the Rebbe, dwelling on the entire atmosphere as it was then, when he heard the niggun in the Rebbe’s presence, this brings about an even greater connection than connecting to the Rebbe’s nefesh, ruach and neshamah. There was a Jew in Kfar Chabad named Reb Avraham Lider. I once heard from him that there were times when the Rebbe asked for melodies from Eretz Yisroel, the ones religious Jews there commonly sang. Once, when he was with the Rebbe, he began singing a niggun of some chassidim in Eretz Yisroel. He had barely begun when the Rebbe immediately gestured as if to ask, “What is this?” He stopped. The Rebbe had already gestured, asking where this song had come from, and remarked, “I believe they sing this niggun among the forces of the opposite side.” The Rebbe then made a motion with his hand, as if to say, “Well, that is after it has been refined.” In practice, they did not sing that song. Years later, Reb Avraham heard a Hebrew song on the radio, one of the songs popular in Eretz Yisroel, and it had the same melody. The Rebbe writes in Igros Kodesh, volume 3, page 242: “Bring joy to the bride and groom with Chabad niggunim and the like.” Boruch Hashem, today this has spread and become common in many places. Boruch Hashem, people sing Chabad niggunim, and Chabad niggunim have spread to other places too. People feel that this is an inner joy, a great joy. The Rebbe gave an instruction to place a tzedakah box on

1:49:03 Speaker 2 the groom’s table, at the wedding—both on the groom’s table and on the bride’s table. The Rebbe pointed out that at a wedding, the bride and groom are not given tasks to do; others serve them. It is a mitzvah for others to do everything for them and bring them joy, since they are the ones celebrating. The Rebbe related that at his own wedding, he saw the Frierdiker Rebbe take a bottle of mashke, go around and offer everyone l’chaim. The Rebbe said that he wanted to do the same. The Rebbe said: “I felt I couldn’t remain seated. My father-in-law was standing and serving mashke, and I wanted to help him, perhaps by taking a cup or something like that, but he told me to remain seated. But a Jew is stubborn,” the Rebbe said. “When I saw the Rebbe, my father-in-law, going around serving mashke”—or perhaps it was wine; I don’t remember exactly—“and he presumably also had a cup in his hand, I got up, wanting to help. My father-in-law gave me a look that said it was time ‘to sing and to say.’ It was a look that made me understand I had to remain seated. I stayed seated, truly on pins and needles, until my father-in-law returned to his place and the wedding proceedings continued.” There is a point in speaking at a wedding about being inspired to strengthen one’s Torah and mitzvos. As I mentioned earlier, it is customary to say “Mazel tov, mazel tov”—twice. The first corresponds to “Notzer chesed,” one of the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy, and the second to “Venakeh,” another of the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy. The groom is more closely associated with “Notzer chesed,” and the bride with “Venakeh.” Saying it twice brings the two together and brings about an everlasting home. It is customary to bless the couple that they build an everlasting home. We do not do a mitzvah tantz at all. I mentioned earlier that, in preparing for a wedding, the Rebbe

1:51:37 Speaker 2 ...wants to be at the wedding at all. When you bless a Jew, to bring the blessing down into this world, give a coin to tzedakah right away—a small coin to tzedakah. In addition to what we mentioned earlier, to help bring the blessing down into the world, it is good to give a coin to tzedakah immediately. Likkutei Torah says that gifts are given to the chosson and kallah, and the common custom is for the kallah to buy a Shas and a tallis. Among chassidim, they also buy books of Chassidus. The main thing is that they study from these books. The Rebbe wants the chosson, too, to give the kallah books on matters of halachah. Tzedakah that is given is, of course, in the spirit of “One who is gracious to the poor lends to Hashem.” If there is another couple at the wedding celebration, you can quietly recite Sheva Brachos for them off to the side before the end, with a minyan participating in the blessings, or seven Jews reciting them. That way, you do not mix one celebration with another; you do it separately, and certainly not one immediately after the other—there needs to be a break in between. We say “samach tesamach” with a patach throughout. We do not say “samei’ach tesamach.” It is very important that during the dancing, the chosson rejoice and try to free himself of all worries and thoughts. Great joy—joy brings additional blessing. Be happy, both of you. Even if other concerns sometimes suddenly come up, try to be happy. This is a joy that opens the way for your entire life. As for those who hurry off, the Rebbe writes that there is some justification for them: they leave without hearing the Sheva Brachos or saying “shehasimchah bim’ono.” One must be very careful that, G-d forbid, the wedding not be mixed. If there is no mechitzah, one cannot say “shehasimchah bim’ono” at the wedding. We recite the blessing without a “v” in the middle: “Let us bless our G-d, in Whose abode there is joy,” and then repeat, “Blessed is our G-d, in Whose abode there is joy, for we have eaten of His food and through His goodness we live.” We do not add “and” before “for we have eaten of His food.” During bentching, we first recite the six blessings and only afterward the

1:54:18 Speaker 2 blessing over the cup. Throughout all seven days of celebration, we try to ensure that neither the chosson nor the kallah goes anywhere alone—not even the two of them together—but with someone else accompanying them. The Rebbe’s view is well known: that the kallah—the woman—should specifically wear a sheitel, in accordance with each community’s custom and the way things are done there. At the very least, she certainly needs to wear a sheitel from the morning after the wedding. When leaving the house, she should try to wear a sheitel. In a case where a woman did not want to wear a sheitel, even though she promised the Rebbe that she would cover her hair and that it would be fine, the Rebbe did not want to officiate at the wedding. When you get home, remember to check that you know where the kesubah is. It does not have to be in your home. It may be with the kallah’s mother, but you need to know where it is. Mazel tov! May you build an everlasting home, with great abundance, materially and spiritually. May you begin a happy, joyful life, and may Hashem bless you with all your hearts’ desires for the good. May you have healthy sons and daughters who are chassidim, G-d-fearing and learned. Together, with Hashem’s help, may you lead them to Torah, to the wedding canopy and to good deeds. L’chaim! Much success!

1:55:47 Speaker 3 You’re listening to L’maan Yishme’u, a podcast of the Chabad Halacha Institute.