Educating Children for Yom Kippur - Rabbi Yosef Avraham Pizam shlita

00:02 Speaker 1 You’re listening to “Lema’an Yishme’u,” a podcast from Machon Halacha Chabad.

00:09 Speaker 2 In today’s class we’ll discuss educating children about Yom Kippur: how to teach them and accustom them to mitzvos in practice, including keeping them from doing what is forbidden. What do we do with a child before bar mitzvah? How do we teach him and accustom him to matters connected with Yom Kippur and its preparations? First, we need to understand that a child is not obligated to fast. The practice is to fast on the last three fasts before bar mitzvah. So we tell the child, “Try to fast for the whole fast, and if you can’t manage the whole fast, then for a substantial number of hours.” Before age eleven, there is no need at all to accustom children to fasting, not even for part of the day. That is the halacha. That’s the truth. Some families do accustom children to fasting for a few hours at younger ages, but in any case, the halacha is to protect children’s health, and starting at an early age is really not recommended. As we said, from age eleven they can begin fasting for part of the day, and especially from age twelve. As for the three fasts before bar mitzvah, if the child is healthy and feels well, he can complete the fast or come close to completing it, all according to his health. Now, we’re talking about ages in the context of educating a child. When we speak specifically about Yom Kippur—and with Hashem’s help, we’ll also discuss education throughout the yearly cycle, where things may be a little different—we have a clear focus on ages five and up. Five or six is the age of education, and from six to nine it’s still the age of education, but with

03:06 Speaker 2 development according to the child’s physical and spiritual maturity. After that he is still a child, but according to his age, we can teach him and accustom him to things connected with Yom Kippur—not necessarily fasting. We’ve already addressed fasting. In a moment we’ll see what else we’re talking about. Now let’s talk about kapparos. Is kapparos for children too? Here’s the answer. The Alter Rebbe’s Shulchan Aruch says that children also have kapparos performed for them, even unborn children in the womb. When performing kapparos for very young children who cannot speak, we say, “This is your exchange, this is your substitute, this is your atonement. This rooster will go to its death, and you will go to a good, long life and to peace.” If the child can speak, we teach him to say, “This is my exchange, this is my substitute, this is my atonement.” But if the child cannot speak yet, we say it on his behalf: “This is your exchange, this is your substitute, this is your atonement.” The book Mishnas HaChinuch notes the custom that many perform kapparos for young children in the days before Erev Yom Kippur, and only when they’re approaching bar mitzvah do they do it on Erev Yom Kippur, in the early morning hours. But that isn’t entirely clear-cut either. Let’s look at what people actually do. It depends on the place. Where kapparos are available at more convenient, earlier hours, with less pressure, that’s perfectly fine. You can bring the young children earlier, during the Aseres Yemei Teshuvah. But there are places where kapparos according to our Chabad custom, done properly with chickens, are not available every evening—say, in smaller communities. There, they’re available on Erev Yom Kippur, in the early morning hours. So the young children come then too, and it is certainly moving and memorable. Experience is a fundamental part of education. Children need to come and experience it. And while we’re on the subject,

06:20 Speaker 2 coming specifically in the early morning—at five, six or seven o’clock—the whole experience of kapparos with chickens and everything that goes along with it, including going into shul afterward to daven and receive lekach [?], all these things make an impression on the soul. They have an impact. They are an experience, so it’s important that they happen. At the same time, we need to do something else important: teach and explain. Where does this whole custom of kapparos come from? Especially today, when there are campaigns in the streets and other opinions, and kapparos can be done with money—why specifically...? Well, as chassidim, we first need to know how to explain it to our children. We see pictures and videos of the Rebbe Melech HaMoshiach himself performing kapparos with a rooster. So for us, there’s no question about what we do in practice. We saw that this is what the Rebbe does, and that settles it. Everyone does it that way. Beyond that, there certainly is an explanation. This is a custom established by the Arizal. Its purpose is for the rooster to serve as an atonement for the person. The rooster is slaughtered according to halacha, a blessing is recited over the slaughtering, and it merits to be eaten at a Yom Tov meal, or by poor people. That is a merit and an elevation for it. When the rooster is slaughtered, so to speak, it wants to rise and be elevated: to be eaten for the sake of Heaven, for the sake of a mitzvah, and to benefit poor people. This elevates the rooster’s soul to a higher level, and it brings atonement and rectification. That is why a person needs to reflect. Just as when bringing offerings in the Beis Hamikdash, a person had to think that he himself should have been offered on the altar, and then do teshuvah, so too, when we see the rooster being slaughtered, we think: because of my sins, G-d forbid, this is what should have happened to me. In His mercy and pure kindness, Hakadosh Boruch Hu will accept that the rooster goes to its death, but with

09:19 Speaker 2 proper shechitah, a blessing, blessings over the food and proper preparation. Mitzvos will be performed with it, and this will elevate the rooster and bring atonement to people. So that’s how it is. Let’s sum up: the Rebbe does it this way, the sources for it are brought in the sefarim, and it has been explained well. We should explain it to children so it isn’t just something they don’t understand and perhaps don’t fully identify with, or so they don’t become frightened of the rooster. Otherwise, they may not understand the significance of it, and may even be put off because they’ve heard from someone that there are other customs, and so on—arguments that weaken a longstanding Jewish custom. So we need to know that this is the Chabad custom, this is what we do, and there are good, meaningful explanations for it. We should be attuned to its deeper meaning, and that certainly includes the children. We need to explain it to them too, so they understand and internalize it, each according to his age and understanding. From experience, I think even at three or four years old, every child grasps something. But from five or six and up, they can really understand the idea. By second, third or fourth grade, children can internalize it. With proper preparation, they’ll approach it with the appropriate seriousness. Children who have begun fasting on Yom Kippur are taught the mitzvah of eating on Erev Yom Kippur. Now, as we said, we generally don’t push children to begin fasting—to undertake a fast involving significant deprivation—until certain ages. But when they reach those ages, we tell the child: the fast doesn’t begin with the fast. It begins with the teaching that whoever eats on the ninth is considered as though he fasted on the ninth and the tenth. We need to explain to children that eating is important, not just so that fasting won’t be hard for us. We need to eat and drink, and eat generously. That’s what Hakadosh Boruch Hu said, that it’s

11:51 Speaker 2 A great atonement for us, because when we eat on Erev Yom Kippur—especially as the Rebbe explains in the Dvar Malchus of 5752 [unclear]—there is a great virtue in eating on Erev Yom Kippur. It actually prepares us for the eating that will take place in the Geulah, when, in the true and complete Geulah, we will be able to eat. We certainly won’t fast on Yom Kippur in the first year when Moshiach comes, all the more so in light of the celebration in the days of Shlomo. So we need to know that this is important, and accustom the children to the mitzvah of eating on Erev Yom Kippur. That, too, is a mitzvah. Now let’s see how to approach feeding a child who has not yet reached the age of chinuch. A child who has not yet reached the age of chinuch. We said that chinuch begins around five or six, and from six to nine is the age of chinuch, and so on, really up to bar mitzvah. The things forbidden on Yom Kippur solely because of the mitzvah of affliction were not prohibited for young children. Therefore, an adult may feed and give drink to a child who has not yet reached the age of chinuch. If a child has not yet reached that age and wants to eat, is the father doing something wrong by feeding him? The answer is no. He may feed him, and certainly need not stop him. He can—and let him eat. In general, according to the child’s level of understanding, we teach him that on a fast day all of the Jewish people take on a certain degree of affliction. At the very least, as the Frierdiker Rebbe told the children studying in his cheder during the Holocaust: he told them not to eat sweets at a time when our brothers were suffering so much. The same applies here. On a day when all of the Jewish people are fasting, we should—we can explain to a child that he should not necessarily have a candy. Unless he really is very little and has not reached the age of chinuch at all; then there is no need to argue with him. If a candy will quiet him, let him have one. But once he understands a little, once he has reached the age of chinuch, we should try

14:15 Speaker 2 to help him understand that we eat only what is necessary. And we should not make this too difficult, but no, no treats. In short, no treats. Let him have less of the foods he especially likes, but let him eat what he is able to eat. Washing a child who has not reached the age of chinuch: it is permitted to anoint him and wash him with cold water, but one may not wash his entire body with hot water, even if the water was heated before the day began. There is a separate issue with washing in hot water; it is not forbidden solely because of the mitzvah of affliction. After all, even during the rest of the year there are times when washing in hot water is forbidden. So simply washing him in hot water is forbidden even if he has not reached the age of chinuch. And since it is not customary to wash and anoint a child every day, refraining from washing and anointing him on Yom Kippur is not considered an affliction for him at all. So one should not wash or anoint him on Yom Kippur, and that is the custom. That is how the Alter Rebbe rules. But all this is when the child is not dirty. If, say, the child has gotten dirty and we need to clean him for health reasons, then we clean him. The parents also need not worry if their hands get wet beyond the finger joints. That is not a problem for them: they are not washing for pleasure or anything of the sort. They simply need to wash the child, and if that is what happens, so be it. This is when washing is needed for cleanliness and health. As for wearing shoes: an adult may not put shoes on a child, since going without them is not an affliction for the child. If the child wears shoes, that means he will not experience that affliction, and we want him to observe it. There are five afflictions, and one of them is not wearing shoes. So we are not too concerned if he goes without them. But if the child puts on shoes by himself, his father does not have to stop him when he has not yet reached

16:33 Speaker 2 the age of chinuch. Really, if we see a young child who has not reached the age of chinuch putting on shoes himself, we do not have to stop him and say, “Hey, that’s not appropriate—don’t wear those.” If you can do it pleasantly and easily, give him a good, comfortable pair of shoes and he puts them on, fine, let him be well. If not, the halachah is explicit: if he has not reached the age of chinuch, let him wear whichever shoes he wants. In short, do not turn it into arguments and confrontations. A child who has reached the age of chinuch: eating and washing. Eating and washing for a child who has reached the age of chinuch. Once he has reached that age, one may not feed him or give him drink, anoint him—or wash him directly, right?—in the manner explained. And if he does any of these things himself—who? The child—there is no need to stop him, except for his father. His father is obligated to educate him and must stop him in order to train his son in the mitzvos. His mother, however, is not obligated in that regard. Nevertheless, she may not put food in front of him, because that is like feeding him directly. In other words, we should allow the child to take for himself what he needs to eat. And once he has reached the age of chinuch, we should encourage him to reduce even that small amount he needs, especially as he approaches age eleven and so on. It is worth saying a little more about this phrase, “must stop him in order to train his son in the mitzvos.” What does “stop him” mean? Clearly, as the Rebbe says, it means firmly but pleasantly. We do not want the child to come away from Yom Kippur with some kind of trauma. We should make it something positive for him: if he has the privilege of fasting a little, like a grown-up, that is wonderful. Stopping him should achieve the result that he does not eat right now, because it is not yet time for him to eat. But not by making the child cry, rebel, argue, or anything like that. That is not what is meant. “Stop him” means

19:12 Speaker 2 explaining the matter to him firmly and pleasantly. Train your son in the mitzvos: “You should know that you are at an age when you need to fast a little. You do not need to eat sweets; eat only what is necessary,” and so on. Okay. But here it does indeed say that when it comes to stopping him from doing something forbidden, the mother is not obligated in that regard. Just as we educate children about the prohibition on eating and drinking—both those who fast for part of the day and those who are already able to complete the entire fast—and as we have already said, so too we must educate them about the prohibition on washing and anointing, even according to Talmudic law, not merely because of custom. In other words, explain the halachos to the children: when washing, the water should reach only up to the finger joints. There are five afflictions on Yom Kippur. One of them is the prohibition on washing and anointing. Someone who likes to pamper himself might sometimes rub oil on his body, so that, too, is not allowed. Certainly not. Now, here is a summary. A child younger than nine full years old is not made to fast on Yom Kippur; he does not even need to fast for part of the day. From age nine, one can begin. But again, it depends on how he feels; do not endanger his health. Even if a child younger than nine wants to be strict with himself, we stop him so that he does not put himself in danger. We do not need a child fainting, and so on. Protect his health. And a wise person thinks ahead about how to give the child a sense that if he has cut back on pleasures and treats and treats Yom Kippur as a special, holy day, then Hashem is pleased with what he has done. Now an interesting question that applies to adults and children alike: what do we do about Kiddush? A person is eating—what a great Yom Tov, a great festival, Yom Kippur, a Shabbos of complete rest. What do we do about Kiddush? What do we do about bentching? For those young children who are permitted to eat, who fasted for part of the day and whose fast has ended because they have already

21:46 Speaker 2 fasted for a few hours, or are not allowed to fast at all. Well, this is the halachah. The Alter Rebbe’s Shulchan Aruch says explicitly, and so do his rulings in the siddur: “Those who eat on Yom Kippur do not recite Kiddush and do not need to break bread over two loaves.” No Kiddush and no two loaves. But in Birkat Hamazon they say Yaaleh Veyavo, including the words “on this Yom Kippur, this day of forgiveness for sin, this holy day of assembly.” Yes, they say Yaaleh Veyavo in Birkat Hamazon. That they do. We know that when the Rebbe entered for davening on Erev Yom Kippur, especially for Minchah, his giving of tzedakah was even more extensive than usual. There were many charity boxes, and the Rebbe gave to every one of them, skipping none. He gave money to children, making them agents for a mitzvah by having them put it into a charity box. Each of us, too, should make a point every Erev Yom Kippur of getting our children accustomed to giving tzedakah. Give tzedakah on Erev Yom Kippur—put money in a charity box, give it to a poor person. Often a poor person comes and asks. If you give him a shekel, for example, give your child another half-shekel so that he can give too. Involve the children in the mitzvah of tzedakah, especially on Erev Yom Kippur. Another subject is asking forgiveness. It says in the Mishnah that for wrongs between one person and another, if you do not ask forgiveness and make peace with the other person, Yom Kippur does not atone. So what do we do? We have to ask one another for forgiveness. Adults sometimes respond to this with a kind of smile: “We’re all chassidim. Who are we to say someone has hurt us? Who am I that anyone could have offended me? Why would I need to ask forgiveness—or why would anyone need to ask me? Who am I? What am I?” That’s very nice,

24:04 Speaker 2 but it isn’t always entirely sincere or complete. So if someone has wronged another person, he should make peace with him, and that is what people do. Do it in a chassidic way, graciously, without making a big fuss—but ask forgiveness, embrace, with Ahavas Yisroel, a warm hug and kiss between chassidim. Yes, Ahavas Yisroel will bring the Redeemer. The same applies with a child. If you bothered a child, if something happened, if there’s a child who doesn’t want to speak to you, or whom you don’t want to speak to, you really must make peace before Yom Kippur. And just as we forgive one another, so will we be forgiven from Heaven. Another thing: before Yom Kippur there is the custom of receiving lashes. All right, a child before bar mitzvah certainly isn’t obligated to receive them. But as part of his education, a child over the age of nine, let’s say, who understands that there is a purpose to it—on the contrary, get him accustomed to receiving them like an adult. It is part of his education. He’ll also feel more grown-up and more involved. I wouldn’t start at age six unless the child very much wants to, but from age nine, certainly. Why not introduce him to it and explain its meaning? By the way, if we want to explain the reasons for customs to children, there’s Sefer Hatoda’ah. It presents and explains all the customs in a way anyone can understand. You can use it to involve them, whether or not they’ve learned this in class. But giving a child something to read is a personal matter. Some like to delve deeper; others less so. I think that if you tell a child in fifth grade or above, “Read this and understand why we do certain things before Yom Kippur,” he’ll take at least some interest, read a little, and get an idea. It’s worth using. As for the subject

26:13 Speaker 2 of understanding the prayers—understanding the prayers—this really applies at every age: to someone young in years, and to someone who is, so to speak, young in knowledge. If you don’t understand what you’re saying, it’s very hard for anyone. You tell a child, “Don’t move away from me; sit next to me all day,” while he doesn’t understand a word of what’s being said. So the Talmud Torahs and schools really need to teach, as much as possible, the main ideas of the piyutim. Just as we explain Kol Nidrei and Unesaneh Tokef and the other things said during the day, there are other piyutim that can be studied. You don’t have to learn them from beginning to end, but children should have some idea of how the ideas connect and what certain lines mean. There is also plenty to teach and tell them through melodies, in a way suited to their age. Most children make a bit of a joke out of chazzanus, but they respond very nicely to niggunim sung together to the words of the prayers. Everything in the right measure. As I always say, “You shall teach them diligently to your children”—that is the parents’ responsibility. If the Talmud Torah does it, good; it should. All the better if it does. If it doesn’t do enough, parents can speak to the administration and teachers and ask them to do more, as much as possible. But the parents themselves can do it too. What’s so hard about finding twenty minutes here and there to open an annotated machzor together and look at which page to turn to, what a particular refrain is about, and so on? You can ask the child questions. There are piyutim there. I’ll even give teachers and parents a teaching tip: take

28:32 Speaker 2 a line or two from a piyut, write it on the board or a piece of paper, and tell your child, “Here’s a riddle.” “How am I supposed to solve it?” “Very simply: take an annotated machzor and work it out. Write down the answer, and you’ll get something.” That could be from the teacher in class or from a father at home, and so on. Children need to understand what’s happening in the davening. If they do, they can participate much, much more. On the other hand, children need breaks. There’s no getting around it: a child is a child. It’s hard for me to see parents keeping a child under pressure, when you can see the child sitting there tense and very much not wanting to stay seated. I’m not sure that’s good. Everything has to be in proportion. Yes, some discipline is appropriate. Fine—not everything can be just as you please. But if a child comes to think of Yom Kippur as a hard day when he has to sit there, miserable, next to his father and can’t move, how will he come to love Yom Kippur? We have to be wise about it: let him go out from time to time, and if he doesn’t come back, go and call him back. Not angrily—with patience. Reward him for doing well; promise him a little present after Yom Kippur, or perhaps on Sukkos, and so on. Involve him through understanding, through niggunim, and through a personal project between father and child. Keep things in proportion: he is allowed to go out a little too. Certainly—just make a plan for it. And let the children get to know the annotated machzorim. That will give them a sense of belonging and interest. We have to understand a major principle of discipline today: it isn’t like it was in the previous generation. Today they tell you this: if you build

30:34 Speaker 2 If you make the lesson interesting and engaging—interesting, but also engaging—the students will stay with it and behave well. The same is true of a father and son. If davening interests him and you involve him in it, ask him what something means, or find some other way to engage him. Help him understand what he is davening. He may go out, and he may come back in. And if he doesn’t come back, you don’t shout at him; you go and bring him back. That’s a rule one of the best teachers of classroom discipline taught me. Early on, he told me, “Look, you want quiet, right? If you shout at a student and punish him, he’ll be quiet. But I have another suggestion: just give him a firm, questioning look, and he’ll be quiet. What was it you wanted? To shout? To punish? No. You wanted him to be quiet. You looked at him, and he became quiet.” The same applies here. If he doesn’t come back, what do you want to accomplish? To insult him, hurt him, upset him, or, G-d forbid, hit him on Yom Kippur, which you must not do? No. Just go over and signal for him to come. If he doesn’t, take his hand and bring him back. Do it all firmly, but gently. Before Yom Kippur begins, fathers bless their children. The Temimim gather in the small zal and wait for the Rebbe’s blessing. In the years of light [?], we saw the Rebbe bless the Temimim. In these years, that connection is certainly spiritual. But that is with the Rebbe. Every father blesses his child. What is the wording of the blessing? The customary wording is Birchas Kohanim: “Hashem spoke to Moshe, saying: Speak to Aharon and his sons, saying: This is how you shall bless the Children of Israel. Say to them: May Hashem bless you and guard you. May Hashem shine His face upon you and be gracious to you. May Hashem turn His face toward you and grant

32:43 Speaker 2 you peace. They shall place My name upon the Children of Israel, and I will bless them.” Of course, you can add other things. There is a Jewish custom to say to a son, “May G-d make you like Ephraim and Menashe,” and to a daughter, “May G-d make you like Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel and Leah.” You can add blessings from the heart, according to what you know your son, daughter or wife needs. Bless your wife, your son, your sons and your daughters. It is very important. It is a very holy and uplifting moment in family life. A heartfelt blessing has the power to bring a good and sweet year and the true and complete Geulah, both personal and collective. Let’s move on to the last topic, Kiddush Levanah. We know the Rebbe’s sicha from Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan 5752 [?] about how Kiddush Levanah should be done. It may well be that the Geulah has been delayed until now because we need to do more. The Rebbe says that we need to add to our request for the Geulah during Kiddush Levanah, and to wear fine clothes for Kiddush Levanah. Kiddush Levanah is very important, so we should put real effort into it and make the children part of it. A child should know that Kiddush Levanah includes a request for the Geulah. If he was taught this in Talmud Torah, wonderful; if not, his father should teach him. It’s a sicha the Rebbe delivered with such special inspiration and vitality. At the end, the Rebbe mentioned saying “Hashem is G-d, Hashem is G-d” seven times, to the Yom Kippur melody of Ne’ilah. We need to know what the words “And they shall seek Hashem their G-d and David their king” mean here. They are the request for the Geulah in Kiddush Levanah, and that should be the inner meaning of every Kiddush Levanah. When you study the commentaries about its meaning, you find that it is a way of greeting the Shechinah, that the Jewish people are compared to the moon, that Moshiach is compared to the moon, that King David is compared to

35:01 Speaker 2 the moon, and many more allusions and ideas. So Kiddush Levanah is precisely the time and place to ask for the Geulah. May that request be completely successful. That is why we dance and rejoice. The Rema says that the dancing expresses our faith: we have asked for the Geulah, we receive it, and we dance as at the celebration of a bride and groom. Hakadosh Boruch Hu is the groom, and the Jewish people are the bride. That concludes our discussion of Yom Kippur, and it is certainly worthwhile to include the children. It is known from the Baal Shem Tov and our Rebbeim that on the night after Yom Kippur, one should hold a seudas mitzvah, even when it is not Motzaei Shabbos, and make it a plentiful meal in a physical sense. This brings abundance, blessing and success throughout the year to all the Jews who take part in that seudas mitzvah.