Rabbi Peretz Chen | Why are children's challenges the best thing for us?

00:00 Let’s be honest. We love our children very much, and we’re deeply grateful to Hashem for them. But sometimes a thought slips in: Maybe it would be better if my son learned like David’s son. If my daughter were as organized as Sarah’s daughter, things would be much nicer. The truth is, these thoughts don’t just bring us down; they also reflect a certain lack of faith. In today’s class, we’ll delve into hashgachah pratis, Divine Providence, and understand just how much our children are the very best thing for us. We’ll also talk about one of the most fascinating and mysterious aspects of the Geulah—the resurrection of the dead—and see from it how each person has a G-d-given portion of the world, a unique part that is their life’s mission. So I heard a story about a chossid named Rabbi Michoel Taieb, a chossid from Kfar Chabad, a prominent mashpia and a fascinating person. He related that he was once invited to give a series of lectures in Argentina—lectures, classes, and farbrengens—and he traveled there. It’s a very long flight, many hours from Israel to Argentina. When he arrived, he gave classes and lectures, and he also bought a laptop for a lot of money: five thousand shekels. He needed it for a particular purpose. On the flight back to Israel, another very long trip, there was no direct flight. He flew from Argentina to Turkey, where he had to change planes for Israel. When you get off the plane in Turkey and head to the next one, you have to go through security again and everything else. He said the layover was very short, so he had to hurry from the plane arriving from Argentina to the one bound for Israel. He rushed through security and, baruch Hashem, made it onto the plane to Israel. Suddenly, he realized that the laptop that had cost five thousand shekels had probably been left

02:24 on the security conveyor belt in Turkey. That was it. The laptop was gone. Who could he turn to now? Who exactly could he speak to? He understood that his five-thousand-shekel laptop was lost. He said that when he landed in Israel, his wife came to meet him and greeted him: “Welcome home!” She was happy to see her husband after he had been away for a few days. But he looked like someone who had lost a five-thousand-shekel laptop. He told his wife, “Baruch Hashem, everything’s fine, but you won’t believe what happened.” And then, he said, “I started crying to her like a little child over the laptop.” His wife looked at him and said, “Tell me, aren’t you the one who gives people classes, talks to them about hashgachah pratis, and encourages everyone? You’ve just come back from Argentina, where I’m sure you told everyone that everything happens through hashgachah pratis. And look at you now. Look at your face. Look in the mirror.” He said, “The moment my wife said that, everything changed for me, and I started smiling. Yes, everything happens through hashgachah pratis—even when a five-thousand-shekel laptop disappears. Everything, everything is governed by hashgachah pratis.” The truth is, today it’s obvious to all of us that everything happens through hashgachah pratis. Ask anyone, even a child, and they’ll say, “Yes, everything comes from Above.” Any person—man or woman, any Jew with faith, and every Jew has faith—will say, “Everything, everything comes from Above. Everything happens through hashgachah pratis. Everything comes from Hashem.” But if we open the books and look into it, we’ll see that the Rambam doesn’t speak that way. The Rambam writes in Moreh Nevuchim that hashgachah pratis applies primarily to human beings. After all, the world contains human beings, animals, plants, and inanimate things: the inanimate, the growing, the living, and the speaking. “The speaking” means human beings. In Moreh Nevuchim, the Rambam writes: On

04:31 whom does hashgachah pratis primarily rest? On human beings. And among human beings themselves, on whom does it primarily rest? On those who are more connected to Hakadosh Boruch Hu. According to this view of the Rambam, then, there’s no hashgachah pratis over that cat leaping between the garbage bins. And those trees, those grasses growing high up on some mountain—there’s no reason, no logic, for there to be hashgachah pratis over them. What, does Hakadosh Boruch Hu concern Himself with such small things? That is what the Rambam writes in Moreh Nevuchim. It’s surprising for us to hear that today, and we’ll soon understand why. But then the holy Baal Shem Tov came and revealed to us that hashgachah pratis in this world extends to every detail. Every leaf blowing in the wind, every leaf tumbling along, is subject to wondrous hashgachah pratis: how many times it will turn over, which way it will fly, and exactly where it will land on the ground. Everything happens through hashgachah pratis. The Frierdiker Rebbe goes so far as to say that even grasses growing on the highest mountains or in the lowest valleys, where no human foot has ever stepped, are governed by it. The Frierdiker Rebbe writes that how many times a blade of grass sways to the right, how many times it sways to the left, and how long it exists at all—everything is governed by precise hashgachah pratis. And it’s not just about that particular blade of grass: its swaying right or left has an effect on what happens throughout the world. Every smallest detail has meaning and affects what happens everywhere. In technical language, this is called the butterfly effect. What happens here affects and has consequences across the entire world. The Frierdiker Rebbe compares it to a homemaker—a good homemaker, a woman who knows how to run her home well.

06:44 She knows exactly which cupboard holds the rice, where the soup croutons are, where the potatoes are, and where the fine salt and the coarser salt are. She knows where everything is, and she also knows why this belongs here and that belongs there. There’s a reason: this is here because of that, and that cupboard is arranged that way for a particular reason. Everything is thought through. She sees the whole picture. In her mind, each thing is here because it’s connected to something else over there. Everything is organized for her in a very orderly way. That’s how it is with a good homemaker, says the Rebbe—the Frierdiker Rebbe. The same is true with Hakadosh Boruch Hu: everything is completely ordered. Each thing affects another; everything happens through wondrous hashgachah pratis. That’s what the Rebbe says; that’s what the Baal Shem Tov says. Today we all speak this way. Everyone speaks of every detail being governed by hashgachah pratis. Why is that how we speak today? It isn’t what the Rambam says in Moreh Nevuchim. It’s because the Baal Shem Tov’s teaching about hashgachah pratis has become so widespread and so deeply rooted in the world that no one knows any other way of thinking about it. No one knows anything else. But wait—does that mean there’s a disagreement between the Baal Shem Tov and the Rambam? How does that work? Do they disagree about what hashgachah pratis is? This subject is fascinating and profound, but in brief, the Rebbe of Lubavitch offers a wonderful explanation. The Rebbe explains that there is no disagreement between the Rambam and the Baal Shem Tov. None. Why not? Because there are two kinds of hashgachah pratis: revealed hashgachah pratis and hidden hashgachah pratis. What does that mean? Sometimes we can plainly see that something has happened here

08:40 Unusual, out of the ordinary. It’s not... It’s amazing what happened here. What Divine Providence! We’re deeply struck by it. That’s what we call open Divine Providence. I was supposed to travel somewhere and meet someone. He wasn’t supposed to be there at all, but he arrived just then, because of this and that, and everything worked out in a way I never imagined or expected. That’s open Divine Providence. We see things happen before our eyes that weren’t supposed to happen, or that it’s simply amazing they happened at all. That’s open Divine Providence. Hidden Divine Providence is the ordinary way the world runs. The sun rises, the birds chirp, the clouds move across the sky, and the waves are in the sea. Everything happens as usual—the world we know. All of it is by Divine Providence; every detail is precise. But it’s hidden Divine Providence. We don’t see anything unusual here. So the Rebbe explains: What is the Baal Shem Tov talking about? That everything, absolutely everything, is by Divine Providence. The Rambam agrees with that too. The difference is that when everything is by Divine Providence, it is hidden Divine Providence. We simply see the world operating as though everything were ordinary, but it is all by Divine Providence. When the Rambam speaks of people in whose lives Divine Providence is visible—human beings, and especially those who are more connected to Hakadosh Boruch Hu—he is talking about open Divine Providence. Seeing truly amazing things before our eyes, things we never imagined, things out of the ordinary. Open Divine Providence is found among people who are, first, human beings, and second, increasingly connected to Hashem. The more connected they are to Hashem, the more they see amazing things, a kind of miracles before their eyes. So there is no disagreement between the Rambam and the view of

10:39 the Baal Shem Tov. When we reflect on this, then, we understand that everything is by Divine Providence. That means my children at home: this child has these challenges, struggles with this, can’t manage that, and isn’t succeeding at something else. In some areas he’s strong; in others, less so. And my daughter has her own set of challenges. Each one has the package Hakadosh Boruch Hu gave them. But wait—where did all these challenges come from? Did they just appear for no reason? Everything is by Divine Providence; they came from Hashem. Why did Hashem choose that these children, with these particular life challenges, should be my children, her children? Why? Why? Everything is by Divine Providence. Apparently, this is my life’s mission. Hakadosh Boruch Hu guides each person toward their life’s tasks. There’s a verse that says, “A person’s steps are established by Hashem.” The holy Baal Shem Tov explains that a person’s steps—where I go, whether I find myself there, whether I live there, whether I arrive there—are all from Hashem. “A person’s steps are established”: it’s all by Divine Providence. I’m meant to be there, because that is my G-d-given place in the world. That is my life’s mission. So when I face one challenge or another with my child, it isn’t a shame that things are this way, as though life would be happier without it. This is life. And it isn’t just that this is life. If I came into the world to serve Hashem by carrying out the tasks He asks of me, then this is the particular task He wants from me. Everyone has their life’s tasks. When we look at it this way, we understand that, just as life is full of challenges involving livelihood and studies—so many, many challenges

12:37 and more challenges—and those challenges lead us toward wholeness, toward a good place, my children and the way they are are my life’s mission. This is how I reach my own personal wholeness. The realization that everything is by Divine Providence is so powerful that, in a few days, we’ll mark the Festival of Liberation on 12 and 13 Tammuz, when the previous Rebbe, the Frierdiker Rebbe, was freed from a very, very dangerous imprisonment in Russia. The Frierdiker Rebbe spread Judaism in Soviet Russia against all odds, despite all the obstacles placed in his way. Eventually, they took him to prison. At first, he was sentenced to the opposite of life—that’s how the Rebbe would put it. Instead of saying death, G-d forbid, the Rebbe would say “the opposite of life.” Then they commuted his sentence to exile and sent him to the city of Kostroma. He was there for ten days, and then he was freed on 12 Tammuz—on 13 Tammuz he was released from there. But his imprisonment was very, very harsh. The conditions were subhuman, and a holy Jew like the Frierdiker Rebbe was treated in a truly disgraceful way. The Frierdiker Rebbe himself recounts in detail everything he went through there. It was a very difficult imprisonment, utterly unbefitting and undignified for a person of his stature. The Frierdiker Rebbe said that the imprisonment took place in 5687, 1927. It was toward the end of the year, but on Rosh Hashanah of that same year he had delivered a maamar of Chassidus. In the middle of the maamar, without any connection to its subject, he began speaking about Divine Providence. He said that afterward, he didn’t understand why, from Above, he had been led to speak about Divine Providence in a maamar on another subject. He said, “Then, when I was imprisoned later that year,

14:53 I understood why I had spoken about it.” Speaking about it on Rosh Hashanah, at the beginning of the year—the “head” of the year, which influences the whole body, the entire year—gave me the strength to survive despite the harsh imprisonment and subhuman conditions. The Rebbe, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, spoke at length about this story and explained that the Frierdiker Rebbe himself wasn’t really concerned about his own imprisonment. He saw things from his own perspective; he was a holy, G-dly person. What concerned him more was what would happen to the chassidim and to Chassidus. How would things progress after the imprisonment? He wasn’t afraid for himself, but he wondered what would happen to the future of Chassidus. And as he thought about it, he remembered that he had spoken about Divine Providence earlier that year. So he told himself that everything would be all right; everything was by Divine Providence. The Frierdiker Rebbe faced terrible challenges—and we have a child at home who’s driving us crazy. His situation was extremely difficult: they took away his tefillin, injured him, and spoke to him in a degrading, utterly inappropriate way. Yet through it all, he reflected on Divine Providence, and that calmed him. So we, too, amid our difficulties and challenges with the children at home, need to understand—we must understand—that this is by Divine Providence. If the neighbor David’s son is smarter, it’s because David’s mission in the world calls for a son like that. And surely he has other challenges too. And if Sarah’s daughter is so amazingly, exceptionally organized, it’s because her mission in the world calls for that kind of daughter. She, too, surely has her own challenges. And the children I have at home, the children we have at home—these are our challenges. This is our shlichus, these are life’s challenges, this is the mission. It is by Divine Providence.

16:51 Personally, these are the tasks of our lives. So let’s take a breath and put things in perspective. Let’s be happy with them. Thank You so much, Hashem! You’ve given me tasks, and I’m going to throw myself into them and get to work. Yes, they’re from You, everything is from You, and everything is all right. I heard a very powerful story that may help these ideas settle with us and put us at ease. Reb Yoel Kahn told it. Reb Yoel Kahn was the Rebbe’s personal chozer. That means he was the person who could listen to the Rebbe speak for four or five hours on Shabbos and, after Shabbos, repeat almost word for word what the Rebbe had said. He had an incredible memory and was a remarkably fascinating person. I had the privilege of studying with Reb Yoel for a year, or a little less. Reb Yoel related that one year he was giving a class on Tanya at a yeshiva in New York, and students from that yeshiva would come to his class. There was one student whose face, Reb Yoel noticed, wasn’t as cheerful as usual, week after week. So Rabbi Yoel went over to him and asked, “What happened? Why are you so downcast?” The student told him that something had been bothering him for a long time. What was bothering him? He would sit in yeshiva and study with his chavrusa, his study partner, and, he said, “My chavrusa is so smart. He gets so much done in a short time, and I get through much less than he does. I don’t even understand it as well as he does. The gap between us is so big, and it breaks me. Why? Why did Hashem make him the way he is and me the way I am?” He said, “So I went to the rosh yeshiva where I study. I asked him,

18:56 “‘Why did Hashem make it this way? Why is he like that and I’m like this? It’s not fair.’ The rosh yeshiva answered, ‘Listen, not everyone can become a rosh yeshiva one day. Apparently your friend is meant to become a rosh yeshiva, and you probably aren’t. Each person has his own purpose.’” The student said, “That answer didn’t satisfy me. What does that mean? Why not the other way around? Why shouldn’t I become a rosh yeshiva and he not become one? Why specifically him?” He continued, “I went to the mashgiach at the yeshiva”—the mashgiach is more of a spiritual guide—“and told him what was bothering me. The mashgiach answered, ‘Listen, apparently you were already a rosh yeshiva in a previous incarnation. You can’t be a rosh yeshiva every time. You were one in your previous incarnation.’ When I heard that, the answer didn’t just fail to satisfy me; it even made me laugh a little. I thought, Since when does the mashgiach know about reincarnation? What was I before? How does he know? But then I concluded that there was no answer, that everyone was just giving me the runaround. It was frustrating.” Reb Yoel said to the student, “It sounds like I don’t have an answer to your question either. But if you’d like, write it to the Rebbe. I’ll submit your note to the Rebbe, and if you’re fortunate, the Rebbe will answer you.” So the student did. He wrote down his question, and Reb Yoel took it to the Rebbe’s secretariat, which passed it on to the Rebbe. After some time, the Rebbe replied. In his answer to the student, the Rebbe wrote that the Gemara says at the end of tractate Kiddushin, “I was created to serve my Maker.” There is another version: “I was created only to serve my Maker.” In other words, when a person considers, Why am I here

20:44 in this world?—if we conclude that we’re here for personal gain, for honor, money, and all sorts of other things, then of course we’ll always be crushed when someone else has more money or more honor than we do. That’s what happens if I think only about myself. But if we reflect on the Gemara’s words, “I was created only to serve my Maker,” and understand that the whole reason I’m alive in this world is to do what He wants of me, then I can be at ease when I do what He wants of me. If He wants me to accomplish a little, I’ll be happy, because that’s what He wants of me. My purpose, after all, is to serve Him, Hakadosh Boruch Hu. And if He wants me to accomplish a lot, I’ll accomplish a lot. So it could very well be that one student is able to complete, say, one page a week, while another is able to complete five. But the student who could complete five finishes only four, while I complete my one page. This week I’ve been far more successful than he has, because I fulfilled the goal Hashem set for me—one page a week—while he could have done five and did four. He didn’t fulfill his goal. In other words, if I think about myself and my own achievements, there are plenty of reasons to feel broken and get into a bad mood. But if I think about what Hashem wants, I can say, Oh, this is what He wants. This is what He wants of me. I work for Him, so I’ll do it with great joy. Of course, a person has to make an effort and use his abilities to the fullest. But those sideways glances—“His children have more, and my children…”—that’s not the way to look at it. It isn’t right, because

22:31 what I have is mine. This is what Hashem wants of me. It’s just like a king arriving where there’s a precious diamond on the floor and, elsewhere on the floor, a clementine peel. If the king comes to me and tells me to pick up the diamond or to pick up the clementine peel, is it a greater honor to pick up the diamond than the peel? There’s no difference. The very fact that the king addressed me—that’s the honor, that’s the joy, that’s what gives me a good feeling. What difference does it make whether I’m picking up a precious diamond or a clementine peel? The king’s attention to me is what lifts me up. In the same way, the very fact that Hakadosh Boruch Hu pays attention to us and asks things of us—that’s the point. That’s our life’s task. What difference does it make whether it’s five or one? What difference does it make whether it’s this challenge or another? This is what He wants, and we work for Him, doing what He wants. When we look at things this way, we understand that what I have at home and the challenges I have with my children are the tasks of my life. This is by Divine Providence; this is my life’s mission, and I should be very, very, very, very happy with this mission. And I should know that this is how I fulfill the purpose for which I was created in this world. So why should I care how someone else’s son is doing? How is that even relevant? I focus on what’s mine, because that’s my life’s mission. I need to embrace what’s mine and thank Hashem for the challenges. This is my life’s mission, and by doing this, I carry it out. That’s how we need to see things. We’ll conclude, as promised at the beginning, by reinforcing this point through one of the fascinating things connected with the resurrection of the dead. With Hashem’s help, the dead will rise. Yes, we all look forward to it and long for it to happen.

24:34 And one of the big questions about the resurrection of the dead is this: Most souls—almost all souls today—have been reincarnated. That means one soul has been in many, many people. The same soul has had different bodies over the course of its reincarnations. So the question is, when Moshiach comes and there is a resurrection of the dead, which body will that soul rise with? Its first body? Its last? One in the middle? Which body? It would seem, then, that some bodies won’t rise at all, because it’s one soul in many bodies, and only one of those bodies can rise. Someone once wrote the Rebbe a letter asking many questions about the resurrection of the dead, including this one, and the Rebbe answered in a very, very long letter. It discusses many aspects of what will happen at the resurrection. It’s a fascinating letter, well worth reading. On this point, the Rebbe says: Why does a soul go through so many reincarnations? Because it needs a certain refinement. Each person, in their turn, refines a particular part of the soul. When it passes into another body, some things have already been refined and others haven’t, so that body refines another part. And when it passes into yet another body, that body refines another part. When Moshiach comes, everyone will rise—all the bodies will rise. But with what? With the part of the soul that each body refined. So will they have only parts of souls? No, that isn’t a problem, because a soul is spiritual, and with spiritual things, even one part contains the whole. For example, if we take a huge bonfire and light a small candle from it, does the candle lack something because it’s small and the bonfire is big?

26:32 No. The small candle has every property of fire, from beginning to end, just on a smaller scale. It has everything. In the same way, a part of a soul has everything a soul needs. So each person has the part of the soul that they refine, and their body will rise with that part at the resurrection of the dead. That is why all the bodies will rise. In other words, each of us has a part to refine—our own G-d-given portion here in this world—and that is what we need to work on. When we do, we reach wholeness. And so it is in our homes, with our children: the tasks we face with them and the challenges surrounding them are our part of the soul, our G-d-given portion, our life’s mission. We need to embrace this mission with both arms, be happy about it, and say to Hashem, “Thank You so much. This is what You ask of me? Thank You. I’m happy that You need something from me at all, that You ask something of me, that You’ve included me in this whole story. Thank You. And with Hashem’s help, I’ll work at it and do it.” That way, we’ll see things with joy, calmly and thoughtfully. We won’t panic or get caught up in unnecessary worries, imagined scenarios, and who knows what else. May we succeed with our own G-d-given portion, our life’s mission, with these children and these sweet challenges we have in our homes. May we succeed in this mission and, with Hashem’s help, see our children grow up healthy, with financial security, happy and content, growing up well and growing up with yiras Shamayim—which is the most important thing. May they grow up in the best possible way, with Hashem’s help, and may we lead them to Torah, to the chuppah, and to good deeds, and walk together with them to greet Moshiach

28:32 Tzidkeinu. And together with them, with Hashem’s help, we will see the resurrection of the dead. May all this happen very soon, with the coming of Moshiach Tzidkeinu and the true and complete Geulah, very soon indeed. Thank you very much.