An Exchange of Letters About Taharas Hamishpacha

Welcome to our weekly Motzei Shabbos program. I had mentioned a few months ago that for fifty years Rabbi Mindel worked with the Rebbe on the letters, on different books, doing notations — fifty years. So the Rebbe sometimes mentions a story that is not known, or whatever. So what I'm going to tell you today is: some of it is letters, and some are things that people wrote to the Rebbe, but the Rebbe spoke to Rabbi Mindel about it and answered — but it's not a letter — and I'll show you soon.

Now, this question — I think, according to what the Rebbe answered — this was written by women, Orthodox women. Some, and even some others, asked the Rebbe this question that I'm going to share with you, and I'm sure that the Rebbe answered each and every one. Many women throughout the years — and I have the letters, in English, some of them are in Russian — wrote that when they become a niddah, or even before they become a niddah, their husbands get into a very bad mood, and their behavior changes. So they're asking the Rebbe: how can they overcome such undesirable traits — anger — and not only at that time, but in general, many times the husbands get angry, some of them have tempers and they can't just take it, what should I do? These are — I can just tell you what the questions were, and not one, and not two, but many people wrote to the Rebbe about it.

Another thing: some women wrote — what is the idea, Orthodox women even — what's the idea of going to the mikvah? They write, niddah is also a question, but not handing over — not handing a baby [to the husband] — I mean, this destroys their whole Shalom Bayis for a couple of weeks, especially during that time. And they told the Rebbe that they don't understand, and they don't think it's — whatever they wrote, I'm not going to say how they wrote it, I'm a little shocked.

So first let me give the answer the Rebbe gave — not in a letter, but the Rebbe wrote it in his own handwriting and gave it to Rabbi Mindel. Sometimes Rabbi Mindel discussed this with people if he had the Rebbe's permission to do so, and sometimes [the Rebbe] said it's private. So I'm just going to give you at least one answer that the Rebbe gave to a few people asking this.

The Rebbe writes, as a general rule — he underlined it — it is not understood at all: when it comes to a small limb in the body, or a tooth, they ask a doctor if something is wrong with it. For a tooth, they go to a dentist; they don't go to a lawyer. If something is wrong with the body, they go to a regular doctor — why? Because those who have studied for many years know about it. So for your teeth you go to a dentist; when it comes to Taharas Hamishpacha, those who have learned about it say that it is essential for harmony in the home, for the health of her body, the health of the body of the husband, and the health of the body of her children. Yet she says, "No, it's not so" — even though she knows the reason — and she knows that with time, women are embarrassed to admit the pain that they brought upon themselves. Their mind becomes so confused to such an extent that they don't recognize what has been done to them, and for this reason the person doesn't realize how harmful she is being to herself, Heaven forbid, how she is harming her husband, Heaven forbid, and her children, Heaven forbid.

Now, according to this answer, I can see that — I mean, if this were from people who are not observant, they might have such a question, but these are people that should not be asking such a question — it's very shocking. So I would suggest — I'm not a rabbi, I'm not a speaker, I just want to say, after reading this, I would suggest that couples who get married should have lessons, even after marriage, every single month — classes on the importance [of Taharas Hamishpacha] — very, very important, and this does not mean only mikvah, even handing over, anything. I think this is what should be. It's my own opinion.

Now the Rebbe writes — this is a letter: "In order that the intimate mutual life should be wholesome to the utmost, it is necessary to observe strictly the laws and regulations of 'no contact,' 'no handing over.' For although these laws require separation for a certain period of time, this distance has the effect of bringing them closer together in the period that follows." The Rebbe says: "While closeness during the time that requires separateness results in separateness when there should be closeness, thus in the majority of cases true harmony and peace in married life are directly related to the observance of the laws and regulations of the period." So I think, listening to the Rebbe, how important it is that a woman take this seriously, because I know that there are psychologists that people go to, and if they would just follow what the Rebbe says, that's all they would need.

Then the Rebbe writes to another couple: "You might question how to achieve an easier adjustment in the family life of husband and wife. It should be remembered, first of all, that it happens very often that such an adjustment is required, inasmuch as here are involved two people coming from two different families. It should also be remembered that there is no human perfection, and that one person must make allowances for the other, just as much as one expects the other to make similar allowances." I mean, two people get married — she comes from one world, he comes from another world — and the Rebbe says they have to live together until one hundred and twenty. This is the hardest thing in the world, but if you do it, there's no problem.

I once heard — this is a very interesting [story], I don't remember from whom — why does one give, as a wedding ring, a platinum ring, not a diamond ring, even though [the diamond] is worth $20,000? Because if a diamond ring falls on the floor and it breaks, you can fix it, but a real professional can tell where it was broken — the spot — even though you can fix it. When a platinum ring falls on the floor and breaks, you fix it, and even a professional can't tell. [The idea is] that at the wedding we are at the highest level of love, but within the years, who knows, we might get into certain arguments. So we should always think, on the night of the wedding, that the ring I gave you should come back exactly as it was — we should be like it never happened. This is one thing I want to say, very important.

Now, about anger — this is also a very important answer. I mean, about the anger that the Rebbe writes about — this is important for all men and women: constantly have in mind, remember to learn Tanya. The Rebbe answered a few people that husband and wife should, from time to time, a few times a year, learn and always be aware of the first paragraph of the first chapter of Tanya, because it is very important that one is always, every minute, in the presence of G-d — so how can a person display any kind of temper? The Rebbe says that this will help — always hold onto and learn this chapter of Tanya. It writes: one should contemplate deeply on the greatness of the Blessed One and His majesty, and behold, G-d stands over him, and the world is filled with His glory, and He looks upon his deeds — and then it explains further. So the Rebbe feels that this is the answer. I can only tell you what the Rebbe answered about anger.

One more, and I'm done. A woman asks whether she should become pregnant again — such a question. So the Rebbe answers: "I will tell you my opinion, and this is probably the opinion that applies to all Jewish women — that pregnancy and children are a blessing from G-d, and therefore it is certain that He who gives children also gives the necessary strength and capacity to go through the act of birth, and G-d may be fully trusted." Then, in his own handwriting, the Rebbe adds: "Please check whether there has been any negligence in your Taharas Hamishpacha." This is very important — that means this observance helps for everything, but again, the Rebbe means everything, not only mikvah.

Then one more thing — another person asked: is it the right time to become pregnant? So the Rebbe says, this applies to everybody: children are a special blessing from G-d, and indeed one of the essential blessings. It is also self-evident that this is not a matter in which a human being can choose the right time and set up his own calendar, and you must trust in G-d, the Creator and Master of the world. And although a person must do his part in the natural order of things, this matter in particular should be left to G-d, and one should not attempt to interfere in G-d's affairs. In other words, a Jew is expected to live a normal life in accordance with the will of G-d as specified [in Torah law], and leave the matter of pregnancy to G-d, who will find the right and proper time for it. This is what the Rebbe holds — leave these things to G-d. When it comes to children, you have to — this has a lot to do with emunah.

There's another letter here which I have no time [to read in full], but it's also from a woman — this was a woman, not that she has a problem, but her husband tells her to shave her head and she doesn't like it. Does the Rebbe feel that a woman should shave her head? This is a letter which maybe I'll use another time — something very important. There's one word, one thing I want to say — I'm not going to say the whole thing, but one thing the Rebbe holds: if you want to shave, no problem, but one thing — hair — when a person shaves the hair, at least leave a little bit, because shaving all the hair takes away the womanhood from a person, and one has to be careful about that. The Rebbe didn't say no outright yet, but this letter goes into it — but we have no time.

Next week we'll continue our weekly program. Thank you.