Why a Chosson Gives a Simple Ring to the Kallah

Welcome to our weekly program, The Inside Story of Chabad in America, through the Mindel archives.

There are many letters from the Rebbe that answer people's questions about issues with their children - some people have issues with children, some have issues with shidduchim, some have children who went off the derech, some have issues with schools. There are many, many letters from the Rebbe on these subjects.

Now, I chose here one letter in which the Rebbe mentions three points - how we should deal with children, what we should do. This is a letter to parents. There are many different problems and everybody's situation is different, but every letter more or less touches on these three points, so I thought I would choose this letter because it speaks about all three.

This person asked the Rebbe how to deal with his oldest daughter, and he needed guidance. By the way, I think people go to psychologists and get different kinds of advice, but I think if we read the Rebbe's letters about how to deal with children, this is more important than all the psychologists - I mean, there are all kinds of different approaches, but this is...

So the Rebbe answers: bringing up children requires several basic principles.

Number one: parents must always try to provide a shining example to their children of the kind of conduct that they would like to see in them. They should be a living example - this is number one. The Rebbe says, moreover, children usually think that as far as they are concerned, it will be quite sufficient for them to have standards which are only half as good as those of their parents. Parents must take this into account and see to it that their own standards are at least twice as high as the minimum they expect of their children. So we see from here how a parent should be.

Now, I heard from Rabbi [?], and I mentioned it once - he said it many, many times - he said: "Honor your parents" doesn't only mean that a child should honor the parents; it means honor the father that is within you, and the mother that is within you. If you're a father, behave like a father - when you wake up, you wake up like a father; when you eat, you eat like a father; when you go to shul, you behave in shul like a father; when you go shopping, you go shopping like a father or mother. Anything you do, twenty-four hours a day, if you do it like a father and a mother, then your children will see this, and that's part of the whole thing.

As somebody once said, a child didn't answer and the father screamed at him, so the child said [unclear] - that he didn't [unclear] the father, not [unclear]. I mean, it's a saying - in other words, if the child would see that the father doesn't speak [unclear], he also wouldn't speak [unclear]. Honor your father all the time.

And then the Rebbe once mentioned - he says, to be frank, sometimes a child hears that the parent doesn't tell the truth. How do you expect the child to grow up properly when the telephone rings and the mother says to the child, "Pick up the phone, and if they ask if I'm here, say I'm not home"? So how do you expect the child to be [honest]?

So it seems from all this that the main thing, in order to have nachas from children, is that the parents have to behave - they have to be a real living example. This is number one, this is what the Rebbe writes here.

Number two: the Rebbe writes that parents should know the influences to which children are constantly exposed - in school, from neighbors, negative influences. Jews were always the minority, so it's important always to implant in the Jewish child, from early youth, a feeling of pride in the heritage and tradition of their parents and ancestors - a strong feeling. Parents have to know, first of all, who their children's friends are. The Rebbe told this many times - and this is in other letters too - people asked him, "What shul should we go to?" and the Rebbe says it's not so important which teacher; it's important who the friends are. Parents always have to know, the Rebbe writes here, who the friends are - they should always be on top of it, and then they will have nachas from their children.

The Rebbe writes in another letter - not this one, one that I saw - you should have banim, meaning you should have good children, meaning life. So the question is: isn't life more important? Nevertheless, the Rebbe says banim comes first. He says when a person has good children and sees that they follow the derech of their parents, then life is a life, whatever G-d gives. And the Rebbe mentions there: if you have a million dollars, you eat the same bread as the poor person eats - the same bread - or the same bed; this one sleeps on a golden mattress. In other words, the thing is, people can have millions of dollars and be very wealthy, yet not be happy, because of issues with their children. That's why it says children come first - if the children behave the way they're supposed to, then everything is good. But everything depends on the parents. That's number two.

Number three: the Rebbe writes - one important and essential point: since G-d blessed you with children who require the attention, love, and upbringing of both parents - and there he underlines "both" - the children are surely entitled to receive what is due to them from their parents. There can be no shadow of a doubt that each of you should do everything possible not to strain the relationship but, on the contrary, strengthen your shalom bayis. It's important, shalom bayis. When children see in the home that there is harmony between husband and wife - shalom bayis - then the children will feel it, and they see that both parents care and there is peace in the house. That's very important - shalom bayis.

It is mentioned in one of the letters - why does the chosson give the kallah a plain ring under the chuppah, and not a diamond ring? It's mentioned that if a diamond ring falls on the floor and breaks, you can fix it, but a professional who fixes it can always tell the spot that was damaged - the place that was broken, you can always see. But when a plain ring falls on the floor and breaks, and you fix it, you can fix it in such a way that you can't even tell it was ever broken. So the Rebbe says there that later in life, when a person is married and has children, and in day-to-day life sometimes they get into certain arguments, certain difficulties - the husband thinks one way, the wife thinks another way - they should always think back on the day he gave her a plain ring, that even something broken can always be fixed in such a way that you wouldn't even see that it was ever broken. And if the children see that kind of behavior, this is a good thing for the children. It's important to have peace and harmony between husband and wife, as mentioned among the mitzvos whose fruit a Jew enjoys in this world while the capital remains for the World to Come, which we say every morning. And that's another answer to how to have nachas from children.

I mean, there are a lot of other things, but these are the three points.

And one more thing I want to say: the Rebbe mentioned that some people have a minhag to have the mezuzah on a slant, not straight. Why on a slant? To show that this home is a home of compromise - it's not that everything the husband says goes, or everything the wife says goes; this is a compromise. And when the home is a home where the husband and wife compromise, then the nachas will come from the children.

Next week we will continue our weekly program. Thank you.