The Rebbe’s Letter About Women’s Self Fulfillment

Welcome to our weekly program, The Inside Story of Chabad in America, through the Mindel Archives.

In honor of the Yud Shvat [unclear], I want to share with you a part of a letter that the Rebbe wrote to someone, and this is [unclear] and also about keeping the family together, also [unclear]. But I want to read this inside because of the kavod — the Rebbetzin [?] — I want to read the Rebbe's letter the way that he wrote it, and when I finish this I want to tell you something that happened — I think it's a little shocking — years ago, and it's probably happening today.

Now, these letters that the Rebbe wrote about this very often — but among religious people also, the families are not together: the father goes one way, the mother goes another way. It doesn't mean — we're talking about people even where he goes to one shul, she goes to another shul, and the children — the boy goes to another shul, the girl goes to another shul. The mishpachos have to be together. The Rebbe writes, and I'll read you just a few lines over here before I get to the letter.

"We often see fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, in four separate worlds. Some families have unfortunately fallen to social and economic pressure to the point of almost total disintegration — at any rate, from the Jewish viewpoint — where fathers are completely engrossed in the quest for material success, and the mothers look for interest and personal fulfillment at the expense of the family, where children are placed in the care of hired help, and their education and character training is left devoid of religious content."

As mentioned, he says the spirit of family unity is often lacking, also amongst Jews who learn Torah — but it's lacking. So the Rebbe gives a suggestion that Friday night, Shabbos, they should all be together and they should eat together, and this will keep the family together. That's one thing. But this is the most important thing that I want to read to you — a letter of the Rebbe, and I'm going to read it the way that he wrote it.

This is, l'kovod [unclear], the Rebbe writes:

"You write about your present frame of mind and lack of fulfillment in having to devote all your time to domestic responsibilities, taking care of the children. It is a matter of common sense, as well as considerable emphasis in our Torah, that a woman finds her fulfillment precisely as the akeres habayis, and that is the area where she can truly accomplish great and wonderful things if she only desires it.

It is written that G-d created man straight, but he seeks many calculations. Thus, in the present abnormal times, it has become a prevalent, though nonetheless erroneous, view that the wife must seek employment, and by all means outside the home. To be sure, if there was some employment that could be done at home to supplement the parnassa, that would be all right, as is also mentioned in the well-known chapter of Eishes Chayil.

However, some women insist upon outside employment, so that the matter has become quite customary and second nature, to such an extent that it has resulted in a complete reversal of values, making the essential secondary and the secondary essential, as if a woman can be regarded a real person only if she goes against her nature and against the natural order in the world.

The above would be true even if the woman has only one or two children to take care of and no other duties in regard to spreading Yiddishkeit in the proper and fitting manner for a Jewish woman, in accordance with the verse, 'Kol kevudah bas melech pnima' — all the dignity of the king's daughter is inward — for surely the highest function and greatest happiness of a woman is to be a wife and mother and take care of the home and the children.

How much more so when there are, thank G-d, more than the minimum number of children, especially when they are at the age when they are entirely dependent upon the attention and loving care of the mother, and when one lives in a place where to keep a Jewish home is in itself a challenge, not as it used to be in the olden days and different circumstances, and when one has, in addition, the greatest responsibility and privilege to strengthen and educate with the light and warmth of Yiddishkeit.

All this certainly requires the mobilization of all of a woman's capacities, consideration, and peace of mind, and there is no greater satisfaction than being able to accomplish all the above. It would seem rather doubtful whether, after all the above, there would be an excess of energy and interest to divert to outside employment and the like."

And the letter goes on writing, so we see the gist of that.

Now, what I want to say is — and now it's the background — a woman, Esther [?], she doesn't want to become pregnant, because, as it's been said, she's a shlucha, and if she's pregnant — let's hope she's pregnant every year — she won't be able to take care of her children, of the people, of the shluchim [community]. So she is asking the Rebbe.

The Rebbe's answer was very, very, very sharp — if he would answer like that, it would be [almost] screaming: "Who are you to play with G-d? Maybe that child that was supposed to be born is going to be a Gadol Hador, and he will be able to be mekarev [?] much more people than you are doing." She was very upset, and you understand what I mean over here.

This is from — the Rebbe mentioned Elkanah, who was the husband of Chana. He was very rich — the episode [account] writes that he could afford a babysitter, but he didn't, and Chana didn't let it be either. Chana also didn't want to go to be oleh regel at the Beis Hamikdash. Can we imagine what it means not to go to the Beis Hamikdash? Why? Because "I have children, and the children that I have — this is more important than going out and doing things and going to the Beis Hamikdash." This is important.

We see by Rochel [Rachel] — she didn't want to be married [unclear] as we read a few weeks ago, because [unclear] — she's going to pray, and that's what she wanted — she gave up. So we see that.

And this is important enough for women to know: that as much as we have to go out into the world, when you have a home, the idea is "kol kevudah bas melech pnima," and whatever you have to accomplish, you can do it in the house — not running around.

We see from the Rebbetzins — and I think not only the Rebbetzins, but as [it] brings down, all the Rebbeim — they didn't go; the men went, but they didn't. So we see this is the function of a woman: to raise the family, to stay home, and the husbands [?] step in to help with parnassa.

So, besides that, I wanted to mention this letter, and let's hope that there should be a [brachah/yeshuah — unclear] for everybody, and we should learn from her ways, Hashem [should help]. Next week we will continue our Thursday night program. Thank you.